Ritam Studio Podcast With Jonni Pollard and Carla Dimattina

Compassionate Boundaries: How to Give Without Getting Depleted

• Jonni Pollard • Season 5 • Episode 2

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We explore how to be of service without being taken advantage of through understanding our inherent value and setting compassionate boundaries. When we resolve our need for external validation and recognize our worth, service flows naturally from a place of abundance rather than depletion.

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Speaker 1:

I really like the line and I'm finding it very useful at the moment to be responding to the way things unfold in front of me. And in your golden sequence you talk about surrender and acceptance. I'm just wondering if there's a like being of service. Um, how can I be of service in this in this moment? I just wonder if there's a passivity to that or like is that it seems as though there's an opportunity for other people to take great advantage of that at times. How does one kind of notice or protect oneself, oneself or live that generous, gracious life without that happening?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so well, just to create some context, neil is referring to a book I wrote called the Golden Sequence, which is an instruction for how we can best overcome the involuntary impulse of defensiveness and confront whatever it is that is obstructing us from freely accessing our deepest nature, which is love, the propensity to want to create greater connection, shared growth, experience and nurture belonging. That's our most primal need as spiritual beings. And he was referring to an aspect of the book where, at the end, we sort of summarize it, and I'll spoil the whole book for you right now. The simplest way to bring everything that I've written in the book into one statement is how can I be of service in this moment when we are spontaneously bringing our attention in the moment and being vigilant to the need that the fullness of my being can respond to spontaneously and quite effortlessly? When I have resolved my neediness, my desperation for validation, when I have resolved my existence, when I understand the innate value of myself without having to affirm it in any way intellectually, it just is what occurs as a flooding of intelligence that is seeking to be channeled where there is need. And so our natural predisposition in the state is one of how can I be of service, but without any kind of desperation. With that in mind, when our cup runneth over, so to speak, when our heart is full of love and compassion and a sense of great capability, you can't be taken advantage of. It's like you know, it's an endless supply. And if you do feel some kind of awkward strain where there isn't a dynamic of reciprocity, you're not being met, then instinctively what would occur is an implementation of some boundary, but not in any punitive way, as an act of love, as a way of communicating. Oh, this is the best way to get the best out of me right now. You know, if you overreach, you're ignoring something that is of great value to you that you may not be recognizing.

Speaker 2:

So if somebody wants to try and take advantage of somebody that is, you know, really wishing to be a powerful, elevating force in their life, in their life, the individual that is of service can discern in that moment if there is some kind of imbalance in the dynamic and to just gently correct it with some kind of boundary and communicate. And it's it's. It's purely just to provide insight for how they can get the best out of you. It's instructional, with compassion. It's not like I need to defend myself from you, you little, you know, bandit it's it of. Oh okay, you haven't yet had an experience of interacting with somebody with this kind of sensibility. I don't need to be. You don't need to play that game with me. You don't need to try and take advantage of this. I'm already here, you know, and take advantage of this. I'm already here, you know, and yeah, it's always a very, very powerful exchange.

Speaker 2:

You know, for somebody that's behaving in a way that they're probably not even aware of they're running a program that's generally in the subconscious just this desperate need to kind of take what they can or use you for something, for their own personal validation or something like that. When we're able to gently hold up a mirror in a non-confrontational way and go, you know you don't need to do that and I still like you. You know it's like they're exposed, there's vulnerability, but Bet, you're like, soft and compassionate, so there's no need to freak out. Some will Can't control that, but generally, you know, if you can hold the space, you can go through a process where they go oh shit, yeah, you're right, I don't need to do that, because often we just need to see it, because most of us behave in ways that are in accordance with our conditioning, and often we don't know it until someone points it out. Generally it's not that gracious if we're violating somebody. We often just get told off or something, or it ends up in an argument and tears and you have to learn it the hard way.

Speaker 2:

And what I'm describing in the book and what I'm describing now is what we grow into when we deliberately cultivate that sensitivity of awareness to our own situation. First, because you can only spontaneously be that with others when you are, you're that way with yourself. So we have to reconcile, as I said, our existence. We have to reconcile the way in which we are with ourselves and how I have to learn to be gentle and and compassionate and patient with ourself. And, and once we start doing that, we just notice it spontaneously being expressed in that same way with everyone. You just look at the world through the lens that you see yourself, and that's just a universal truth, irrespective of whether you're awake or not, we see the world through our own mind and the way that we we see the world through our own mind and the way that we relate to ourselves is through our own mind. So as is the mind. So is our reality.

Speaker 2:

And then boundaries is a really wonderful conversation that I love to talk about. It's a big leap for everybody in their development to start compassionately implementing boundaries. Boundaries is a language of love. We can't expect people to know how we want to be interacted with. It's a just a false assumption that we make of pretty much everybody that when we meet we kind of gel, that you kind of you're, you see the world like I see it and you know. But at some point it's very healthy in a non um conflicting moment, we don't wait till shit it's the fan before we start communicating about our boundaries. It's a lot harder conversation to have, but when it's relaxed and whatever you're like. So you know, I really appreciate dot, dot, dot, dot dot.

Speaker 2:

You know, and I really like it when you know, and what I really value is and what you're doing is you're expressing your boundaries, but in a non-confrontational way where you're not calling it a boundary, whereas if it's in a confrontation it's like you overstepped the line and this is the consequence of that, you know, if you're offended, whereas if we've expressed our values and somebody sort of violates that in some way, then you can go. Hey, remember when we had that conversation I expressed this. So you know, when you say something like that or you do something like that, it kind of sort of oversteps that and it doesn't feel great. Can we talk about that more? Because I'd really like to understand what's motivating you, or just to create some understanding. And there you're exercising a boundary and in the first instance, generally exercising a boundary is just going. That's my value system.

Speaker 2:

You're just like there is something here that you need to be aware of in the way in which it's not just a free-for-all. You know you have to bring consciousness, awareness in the way in which you conduct yourself with me that you know we're either in agreement or we're not. It's like our contract. We respect each other. We get curious about what each other value, what everybody values, and then we do our best to kind of honor that if we so choose to enter into a relationship.

Speaker 2:

Entering into a relationship with somebody after they've expressed their values is saying I take responsibility in ensuring that I'm respectful and caring about what you value. And if you can't be, then expect to be like sort of pushed back into your territory. Or you know to hurt somebody and upset them territory, or you know to hurt somebody, it upset them and you know this is just basic stuff that for some reason just all falls between the cracks and our, our development, our learning, we don't. We're not trained in in this kind of emotional intelligence, social intelligence. So it's really good. You I suspect all of you are across all of this in varying ways, but it's always good to talk about it and be reminded. It just helps us reflect on how we're going in all of that and go hmm, is there any room for refinement? And there always is, no matter how much you're you know, even if you write a book about it.