In the Central Bohemian region of the Czech Republic lies a city of about 32,000 named Kolin. Though the city has grown, the town center is still remarkably preserved. Gothic and baroque buildings, cobblestone streets – like much of Europe, this place breathes history. Depending on where you go, it feels more like a step back in time than anything America has to offer.
I’m Scott Beyer and this is the Love Better podcast where we explore the truths and lies about love and more importantly how to turn love into a skill – something we can get better at and hone along the way. And today, we need to travel to Kolin to remember that love requires remembrance.
Along one of those well-worn brick and stone streets, if you look closely you will find 4 concrete cubes embedded into the road. Each cube is 10cm on each side and is carefully buried flush into the roadway. 4 concrete cubes topped with brass plaques. One plaque for each member of the Feder family – victims of the Holocaust.
These cubes are called ‘Stolperstein’ – the German word for ‘stumbling stones’, and they are scattered all over Europe. The Stolperstein project began in 1992 and to date there are over 75,000 ‘stumbling blocks’ commemorating individuals who fell victim to Nazi terror, forced euthanasia, eugenics, deportation to concentration camps and extermination camps. Unlike most Holocaust memorials that are found across Europe, Stolpersteins are decentralized. They are sprinkled throughout neighborhoods, village squares, and alleyways. Unlike large, centralized monuments that are easily found or easily ignored, stumbling stones are a reminder that cannot be avoided… you literally stumbling upon them. They are placed near the last known residence of the victims, so they give local voice to a tragedy that touched every community.
As a Christian, the word ‘stumbling stone’ brings up some dark connotations. Jesus used the phrase ‘stumbling block’ in a very negative sense to address the world we live in with its constant snares and entrapments. Matthew records Jesus telling His disciples
"Woe to the world because of [its] stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes! (Matthew 18:7)
In Jesus’ teachings, stumbling blocks are unseen tripwires just waiting to cause us to stumble… but they are also inevitable aspects of human life. They can’t be entirely avoided, they must be navigated.
And that is what I think of when I those Stolpersteins scattered all over the neighborhoods of Europe – if we don’t remember what happened, we may stumble and do it again. The darkness of history can only be avoided if we remember where we stumbled and learn to plot a new course.
Our lives are full of stumbling stones. Moments where, if we see them, we can improve, but if we miss it, we will find love stumbling. Like catching our toe on the curb when crossing the street – the curb is a good thing, but only if you remember to look for it and lift your foot up to higher ground.
After all, Jesus Himself is referred to as “a stone of stumbling” in 1 Peter 2:9, and the apostle Paul referred to Jesus’ crucifixion as “the stumbling block of the cross” in Galatians 5:11. Not all stumbling blocks are bad things – they are just bad because we don't like what they do to our lives. Jesus and the crucifixion are both blessings, but normally those blessings start with some hard truths being asked of ourselves, like “Why did Jesus have to die?” and “What sins have I committed that put Him on that cross?”. Stumbling stones force us to stop and deal with them. Stumbling grabs our attention with skinned knees, flailing arms, and public embarrassment over our apparent clumsiness… but sometimes that is exactly what we need.
Remembrance is hard.
Sometimes love stumbles. And nobody knew that better than Peter.
There is a scene at the end of John’s account of Jesus’ life that is a reminder of what love stumbling looks like, and why remembrance can be painful, but healing at the same time.
In John 21, Jesus has arisen from the dead and begun appearing to His disciples. Peter has seen the risen Savior, and nobody is more overjoyed than Him. In the early morning hours, the men had been out fishing and Jesus appears to Him for the third time since His resurrection. He stands on the beach and calls to His disciples out on the boat, and Peter in typical Peter fashion didn’t wait for the boat to come ashore, he dove in and swam to reach Jesus first. Peter loves Jesus and this early morning reunion is sweet, but as the visit continues and they sit around the campfire finishing breakfast, Jesus confronts Peter with a question, and He does it three times.
So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, [son] of John, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend My lambs." 16 He said to him again a second time, "Simon, [son] of John, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Shepherd My sheep." 17 He said to him the third time, "Simon, [son] of John, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, "Tend My sheep. (John 21:15-17)
Peter knew why Jesus asked that question three times, because Peter had stumbled three times during Jesus’ trial. Peter had denied Jesus when he should have stood by Him. He had renounced Jesus when love called him to loyalty. Peter had stumbled, and until they had that conversation – his denial was going to be left hanging in the air.
Peter had to remember where he had stumbled so he could be a better man and love Jesus better.
This is the difficulty of biblical love. It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes love looks like dragging out the darkness and dealing with it. Maybe it means marital counseling – addressing years of pain and neglect in your marriage so that you can move forward without the baggage because you remembered it together, dealt with it, and can now safely step to higher ground.
Maybe it looks like restitution. Taking fearless moral inventory of your failings and those you’ve hurt and moving forward with what restitution you can make. That was Zacchaeus’ approach when he told Jesus:
"Behold, Lord, half of my possessions I will give to the poor, and if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I will give back four times as much." (Luke 19:8)
Or maybe it looks like confession. We often forget that the same verse that tells us the prayers of a righteous person have great power, starts with saying “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)
Remembrance might even look like confrontation – confronting the trauma, the pain, or the injustice we see in others. Love rejoices in the truth, and it does not rejoice in wrongdoing. Sometimes love puts a stumbling stone of remembrance in front of another because we love them and the relationship cannot heal until we’ve dealt with some things.
But remember this – stumbling stones are inevitable, but only the devil wants them to be permanent. One of my favorite verses. One I try and etch upon my heart and sear into my mind is Proverbs 24:16.
For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, But the wicked stumble in time of calamity. (Proverbs 24:16)
You can fall down, but you better get back up. The devil wants you to stumble and stay down. God may wish to discipline, purify, clarify, and mature you, but He always, always wants you to get back up off the mat. Don’t stay down. Get up.
And how do I know that? God defines love as “Love never fails.”
When love stumbles, we need to learn to use the difficulty and begin again. Your marriage is struggling. When did it start? How are you both hurting? Then get back up and start treating your spouse like you did when you were dating. Start over. Remember your first love.
You have failed to be the person you wanted to be. You’ve slipped into pettiness, gossip, laziness, or bitterness in your relationships. When did it start? Remember what you did wrong, and begin again where you were before you stumbled, but this time, with the increased knowledge of learning from your mistakes – use the difficulty to move to higher ground.
Trying to love your enemies? Maybe it is time to confront them like a friend. Have that conversation face-to-face. Address the problems, ask the hard questions, and try to understand their point of view because “Love believes all things” and you are hoping your enemy is just a friend in disguise. Bring the point of pain to remembrance and then healing will at least have an opportunity. There is no hope without the Stolperstein of confronting the problem.
And that confrontation doesn’t just work with enemies, it works with your children, too. As they grow up – loving them means being the stumbling stone that forces them to remember so they can learn. If we just give our kids a pass every time they do something wrong, then they won’t improve. Child-rearing doesn’t always require punishment, but it requires confrontation and remembrance. Don’t let your kids get away with things that you would despise if you saw it in someone else’s children. Love them enough to get low, get quiet, and get real with them about their behavior when they stumble.
And before you address all the stumblings in your relationships with man, start with your relationship with God. Few places drive that point home more than the 41st Psalm. Psalm 41 is a beautiful piece of poetry. 13 verses long. Short, pointed, and almost completely dedicated to addressing the external problems in David’s life. Troubling times, sickness, enemies at every turn, people gossiping and saying lies about him – David faced a world of problems and the storm was all around him, but in the midst of all the cries for help with external problems, David says…
“As for me, I said, “O LORD, be gracious to me; heal my soul, for I have sinned against you.” (Ps 41:4)
Before we worry about all the outside forces and human relationships, we must first address our stumbles with God. When David says, “I have sinned against you.” He is going to the root of love. I need to be right with God and that means I need to confess my sins to Him. I need to tell Him where my love for Him has stumbled.
In Matthew 6:6 Jesus tells His followers to go into their inner room to pray, close the door, and your Father who sees you in secret will reward you.
There are a lot of good reasons to be more generic in our confession of sins when praying publicly. Specificity is a difficult thing to properly due when praying in a group setting, but private prayers are entirely different. As you look through the Bible, a pattern emerges. Public prayers tend to be shorter and more all-encompassing in their language. Private prayers tend to be longer and more specific in both their requests and their confessions.
What if tomorrow you kept a list of sins and temptations as they happened? Bad behavior, unhealthy appetites, malignant thoughts – do the best you can to document them, then go into your inner room and pray to the God who raises up those who stumble. Turn to the Divine one that understands what is right, and desires to show mercy. Bring them to Him. Be specific. Clearly articulate the Stolpersteins in your life.
Do that, and you will be able to say with confidence the words of Psalm 116:8-9:
“For You have rescued my soul from death, My eyes from tears, My feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the LORD In the land of the living.”
Remember where you have tripped and stumbled. Confront the hard. Use the difficulties. Love stumbles sometimes, but it gets back up.
Love better. Love again after stumbling.
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And until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”
