37- 3 Things We Wish We Would've Known Starting Out In The Swinger Lifestyle

Starting out in the swinger lifestyle can feel confusing or overwhelming if you've never explored it before, but it doesn't have to be that way. What should you do? What should you look out for? Who can help answer the multitude of questions you have and who can help you navigate the insecurities that may arise? In today's episode, we discuss 3 very simple guidelines that we wish someone would've laid out for us early on in the swinger lifestyle so we would've had a better compass for navigating the lifestyle when we were just starting out. If you're new to the swinger lifestyle and are seeking guidance forward in your journey, this episode is specifically for you!

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Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the New Swingers podcast. I'm John. And

Speaker 2 (00:03):
I'm June.

Speaker 1 (00:05):
And today we're going to be talking about three things we wish we would've known when starting the swinger lifestyle. Yeah. Now, these aren't things we didn't like consciously not know them. It would've been easier if somebody would've come up to us and said, Hey, here are three things that can help get you started on the right path. And if you go back to episode one, we did talk about some of those things. And at this point we were, what, nine months or so?

Speaker 2 (00:35):
Nine and a half, 10 months. So

Speaker 1 (00:37):
Like that nine, nine or 10 months into the lifestyle. And so we're kind of looking back right now and we just thought if somebody was coming up to us, another couple who's been in the lifestyle longer, what do we wish maybe they would've told us or what would we tell? And something that made me think of this was we recently met a new couple who was brand new to lifestyle, and here in our sort of local area of the new place where we just moved. And what was interesting is, oh, number one, they were awesome. Yeah, they're totally awesome. They had tons of fun getting to know 'em, tons of fun after drinks. And something that really amazed me about them was how open they already were for each other. I know you and I had quite a few back and forth battles of little things to work through.

(01:32):
And it's not saying they don't have that, but I was surprised because this was their very first swinger experience ever of any kind. We were their first, yeah, yeah. Brand new. And they were both just very laid back, very, Hey, whatever each of us wants, we're okay with that. And very open about what they like. It was a real breath of fresh air. It was just really cool to meet a couple who I think they've only been to together a few years, but they're that advanced in their relationship as far as being okay with how the other person is. And they didn't seem to have a whole lot to work through. They seem more amazed by this than anything and having that experience together. And so maybe we'll talk more about that experience at another time, but today, before we get into these three things we wish we would've known when starting out in this wing your lifestyle, we have the card game again called What's Your Thing?

(02:40):
Because our other new friends, we still haven't seen them since last time, they forgot their card game at a house party. So if you're listening to this, who you are, we still have your game and we will bring it with us next time we see you or we will mail it to you, whichever you prefer, send us a text. But yeah, so we like to kick off most of these with these episodes with either emails or a little game, get some questions, icebreakers, and it's kind of fun, but then we get into the content. So I am going to let June read the first card.

Speaker 2 (03:12):
Okay. Do you enjoy separate room play? In what situation might you try it?

Speaker 1 (03:23):
All right. So separate room play is just what it sounds like If you're new to this, a lot of people in the lifestyle, they play in the same room together around the same bed. We to other people actually prefer to go in separate rooms with the people they're swinging with. We've never actually done that. So I can't say is Do you enjoy separate room play? Yeah, I don't know personally because we haven't done it. I think if at some point we did that, I think if I did enjoy it, I think I would feel less distracted. Like, Hey, how's June? Is everything good? It would just be one more mental trail of distraction that I wouldn't have in my mind, which is fine. Obviously I'm here for you. It would be probably one less thing to think about, but then again, I could still be thinking about, I wonder how she's doing. So maybe not. And then in what situation might you try it? I don't know, actually. I mean, I'm not personally against it, but it's also not something that I, I feel like I really, really want or need. I think it would be something to try just because we haven't, but there's nothing really in me that's like, yeah, we need to try separate room play. Like, eh, I don't know. How about you? Do you enjoy separate room play or in what situation might you try it? June?

Speaker 2 (04:52):
Personally, I have no interest in ever trying it. Not for me. My mindset is we joined the lifestyle to enjoy things that we want to try with other people, but we're doing it together. So for me, it's kind of like why would I do that? When for me, the whole point of trying the lifestyle is trying it together and learning and exploring who we are together with. Obviously we're playing with other people, but we're doing it together side by side. So I don't know. For me, I don't think, I don't know, I guess I never can say never, but I like 99% of me feels like I probably would never want to try something separate from you because that's not for me. It's like I enjoy trying all the stuff with you right there with me.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
And I agree with that. We got in this together to play together and we're having a good time.

Speaker 2 (05:50):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (05:51):
So would you like to ask the next question?

Speaker 2 (05:55):
Okay. What kind of music do you enjoy most? How about during play a sexual encounter in the lifestyle? So what kind of music do you enjoy most? And then how about during play, if you're playing with a couple or something, sexual encounter in the lifestyle?

Speaker 1 (06:14):
Okay. Well, I like all music. It sort of depends on my mood. I'm a pretty big classic rock fan during play, have we ever had, I don't even know if we've ever had music playing while we have sex. Only us have we ever been in a situation that you can think of where there's music playing, well mean at the club. I mean, I guess that would count, but that was in the other part of the club, even though you could hear it through the walls.

Speaker 2 (06:44):
Yeah,

Speaker 1 (06:47):
I guess for me, well, that's the kind of music I enjoy, classic rock and really anything depending on my mood. But how about during play? I think maybe during play something with a beat to it. I mean, a lot of people think salt and sensual and jazzed, and I think that could be really good too. I also think something with an upbeat, an upbeat kind of, I don't want to say a sexual sound, but if you've seen the 50 Shades movies, those soundtracks, they have some pretty, pretty good bass thumping, upbeat, but it's got this, I don't know what you call it, it's kind of ended days kind of sound to it. It's like this thumping, it's this. It's faster, it's a little harder. I don't know how to describe it.

Speaker 2 (07:37):
Oi golden.

Speaker 1 (07:39):
Yeah. Yeah. I mean there's kind of stuff, yeah, there's a number of songs on that soundtrack to that movie or that trilogy or however many there are that they just have a sound that fits that really sexual environment. And they have a beat too. So maybe, how about you? What kind of music do you enjoy? And how about during play in June?

Speaker 2 (07:56):
I know you'd think, oh, she's from Texas, so she likes country. Well, actually I don't really like that much country unless it's the nineties stuff that I grew up with. So I don't know. I guess I do a lot of, I like it all and I'm kind of drawing in the way. It just depends on what kind of mood I'm in. Sometimes I like listening to really slow music. Sometimes I really fast beat music or it just depends, but I really kind of like it all for the most part. So yeah, John kind of depends on what kind of mood I'm in during play. I think there's only been a few times that John and I have actually had music playing, and it's usually just really soothing, relaxing music. But I guess sometimes in the club they had music going, but I don't know, I guess just agree with John just maybe has a little bit of a beat, but not so much that it's distracting in any way. No, ed, so yeah, fuck that. No, no, no. You're

Speaker 1 (09:17):
A rap girl, not an EDM girl.

Speaker 2 (09:19):
God, I know. We

Speaker 1 (09:20):
Found that out.

Speaker 2 (09:21):
Yeah, I love, I love and miss going to the clubs and playing all that nineties rap so I can shake my ass.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
All right. Here's the next question. What is the most physical, or what is the most attractive physical feature for a new play partner to you? What's the thing you noticed

Speaker 2 (09:47):
For female or male? Yes.

Speaker 1 (09:50):
Yes. Go ahead and say it both. So when you see it, see a lady, what's the the most attractive feature or parter for you notice that arouses you or gets your attention?

Speaker 2 (10:08):
I mean, I'm attracted to petite women, kind of like me. So I think for me, if it's a woman, is she kind of petite and built kind of like I am, or she's got a nice ass and she's got nice boobs. And I guess my preference, I like long hair. So I guess, I don't know, I guess just kind of looks similar to what I look similar to that. I think for a woman, she takes care of herself. I don't know, I guess for a

Speaker 1 (10:53):
Girl. And how about a guy?

Speaker 2 (10:58):
Well,

Speaker 1 (11:00):
He looks like me.

Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yeah. I like the rugged, manly doesn't mind getting his hands dirty, that rugged, manly, bad boy kind of guy has tattoo ta tattoos. Wow. Tattoos maybe was prior military or something. It's John. So just kind of that bad boy rugged, kind of

Speaker 1 (11:30):
Dangerous, what could be protective for you, that kind of thing.

Speaker 2 (11:33):
If they have dimples, that's always a plus.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
I didn't know that after all these years.

Speaker 2 (11:43):
Yeah, I mean, I guess that's kind of, yeah. Okay. What about you? What is the most attractive physical feature for a new play partner?

Speaker 1 (11:54):
Probably two things. Her face and her belly. I've always been super attracted to women with flat tummies. They kind of take care of themselves. It's not a total requirement. I like a lot of things about a lot of different sized women and shapes. But yeah, the funny thing is that June and I, we discovered this whole joke about how we realized we basically are attracted ideally to the same kind of women. And so they basically look like you and or similar. And it's like, okay, yeah, we could do that. So yeah, I'd say face and probably stomach, mid region, area, boob size really doesn't matter to me. There's no wrong ones. There's no bad ones. They're all great. And sometimes you have a smaller lady with say, smaller breasts, but they're proportionate to her body where they look great. So that's not really a thing. I 'em all.

Speaker 2 (13:01):
Well, same here. I don't care what size boobs they have either.

Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yeah,

Speaker 2 (13:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (13:07):
Well, and I learned too, some women are very sensitive on their nipples. You can't hardly flick 'em or touch 'em kind of like yours. But then other women love to have 'em just pinched and squeezed and twisted and they get a ton of pleasure out of that. I'd only known you for a decade and a half plus. And then I was surprised and turned on by the fact that, oh, there's this other way that women to be touched like that. And that was kind of hot. Oh yeah. We had some play partners a couple weeks ago at a house party, and that was exactly what she was like, and I saw her doing it to herself and I thought, well, why just lay here and have her do it? How about I can help her out? So I started doing it for her and it appeared that she just kind of laid back and, oh, thank God someone's taking over and she can just enjoy. And yeah, that was really interesting to me and really high. I liked that.

Speaker 2 (14:07):
Well, I feel like I've always been more essential, but I feel like since my got my nipples pierced for your birthday back in October, I feel like they're even more sensitive. So it's like, yeah, it doesn't take a lot. And then I'm like, whoa. Okay, good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
Yeah. I'll let you read this next one. Or would you like to read the next one? Yes. Don't want to sound too much like a male chauvinist pig over here because sometimes in the reviews people accuse me of being such, and

Speaker 2 (14:41):
That is not the case at all. I have

Speaker 1 (14:42):
You under my mind control. Oh my gosh. And by the way, speaking reviews, if you haven't given us a rating review, go give us one. We'd appreciate it. If you think this is a five star podcast and you've enjoyed it and gotten any value, go leave us five stars and leave a comment just saying why you like it. Yeah. It helps us reach other people just like yourselves and us and keeps us going. Yeah. So thank you for that. Go. Leave us review rating right now. Takes about five seconds and you can listen to us. Why you do it?

Speaker 2 (15:10):
Yes. Oh, okay. Who is the gas and who is the brake in the lifestyle and why?

Speaker 1 (15:19):
No-brainer. I'm the gas, you're the brake. I, I'm just here to have fun. I don't think too much about anything. You're the break because you probably think more about things intuitively and labels and what they mean or what does this mean, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but to an extreme extent, it could be slamming the gas and the brake in your car at the same time while in drive and you're just going to burn shit up. So we, we've had to kind of get through that, but that's my take. How about what's your take? Who's the gas and who's the brake and why? Oh

Speaker 2 (15:59):
Yeah, absolutely. Right. That's totally John. He's just full throttle and I'm like, oh, let's slow down a little bit. Yeah, slow your ass down.

Speaker 1 (16:12):
Going to give me a ticket.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yeah. Yeah. So I feel like that's, think some of the tension that we've had, I think too, just because you are so much, oh, let's just go. And I'm like, whoa, wait a minute, because I don't know if I'm ready to try that yet. Or my mind starts wandering and yeah, I get in my head sometimes, which is when we fight

Speaker 1 (16:40):
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Speaker 2 (17:31):
That old be I. And it's so annoying because it's always about, it always stems from just who I am now, who I really am and fully still trying to fully accept who I really truly am now and who we are as a couple now as swingers. This is who we truly are. And just trying to stay out of my head of like, oh my God. Well, what does that mean if he says something that he liked that another person, a woman did? What does that mean about me trying to make sure that I'm, it is just the shit of just growing up in a religious household that you're not supposed to do anything with anybody else that's not your spouse. Or

Speaker 1 (18:22):
If I compliment somebody, then it's like, oh, you said this this way.

(18:29):
And it's not even necessarily an outrageous way of saying something. It's just like, oh my gosh, that was great, or that was one of the best things I've ever experienced. It can be taken wrong. And I'm not even trying, I'm just being nice. I'm a very complimentary guy. If I like something, you're good at something. Like I'm going to encourage you and tell you and praise you for being good at something. And so I know sometimes that has come off sideways, but one of the things is that it didn't mean anything against you. It didn't take away from you, but it, it's almost like so much of this lifestyle is undoing what we were taught. We are supposed to believe about situations or things said in certain situations. It's like maybe the religious upbringing, the conditioning, psychological conditioning. It's like it trained us for every situation.

(19:29):
It's like that click where it's that this is said or that's done, then here's what it means. And it was drilled in so deep that you don't even realize you're jumping to a conclusion. Whereas I was just being nice suddenly, oh, well, I'm not as good. It's like nobody said, you're not as good. I was just giving a compliment to somebody very innocently because I like to build people up. I like to encourage people, and I don't blow smoke. If I encourage you or say you're good at something, it's because I actually believe it. Yeah, you actually are. I'm not going to give that to you if you're not. I don't hand out freebies just to be nice. So if I compliment you, it's because I really believe what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (20:12):
And I mean, I'll admit it. We had a fight last week, and that's exactly what it was about, was that we had played with the new friends and that had happened, and that was said like, oh my gosh, they were so good at that best, one of the best experiences that we've had. And just for some reason it was just like, oh my gosh. And I got in my head and I'm like, oh my God. Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean about me? Nothing. And that I've always been the one that's given you all those best experiences. So to hear it that somebody else gave you something, then it just made me feel, I think, insecure. Well, what does that mean about us and what does that mean about me?

Speaker 1 (20:56):
Nothing.

Speaker 2 (20:57):
I know. I'm just saying those thoughts go through your head. Well, that was a first that he's ever said something like that now. So that was the shock of it too.

Speaker 1 (21:06):
Now here's a difference. I said, wow, that was one of the best things I think I've ever experienced. That was really good. I said it was one of the best things. Now, the best thing. Now, if I was an asshole acting the way that June actually felt like that meant, which it didn't, I could have said something like, wow, that was the best thing, or one of the best things. Hey, June, why don't you do that? Why aren't you any good at that? And start comparing you like an asshole. That totally didn't happen. No,

Speaker 2 (21:41):
Not at all. But

Speaker 1 (21:42):
That's kind of what you heard. Yes. But it's not what I said or meant. Yes. And so that's why communication is so important in a lifestyle. You can always ask in a situation like that too, if, what do you mean by that? Or can you tell me what you mean by that? If your partner says something that you want to take offense to or you feel like you should or disturbs you just say, okay, hold on before you lose your shit,

Speaker 2 (22:07):
Which is what I'm trying to work at. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (22:08):
It's like, but it's like, well, okay. Can you tell me what you mean by that? What do you mean by that? Can you clarify what you mean by that? And stay mature adult and just have a conversation. Get curious. If you ever get insecure, stop real quick and just get curious. Can you tell me more about that? Can you clarify what you mean by that? Yeah, because then it's usually 99 out of a hundred times. It's like, oh, that's what you meant. I thought you were saying this, but thank God I thought to ask and cl have you clarify. And then suddenly you can avoid a lot of things that

Speaker 2 (22:46):
Well, and that's what working on right now is trying to, instead of just reacting in a reacting, angry and mad at first, instead taking a step back and taking a few deep breaths if you need, and trying to ask why is that, or what made you say something like that? What did they do that I guess just like he said, just try to be curious about it. But instead of immediately like I've done, I've just gotten upset and yell and get mad and angry about it instead just trying to, okay, well, it probably has nothing to do with me and let me just talk to him in a calm way instead of just attacking him right away.

Speaker 1 (23:41):
In most conversations, in any scenario, once people start shouting, nothing productive happens. None. Zero. Once it's emotional, people are raising their voices and shouting, productivity goes out the window because what happens is you now have one ego pit against another. People want to be right. People are trying to talk and yell over each other, and it's just a big fucking shit show. Nothing good really comes from it. But when you just talk calmly about it, can you clarify what you mean by that? What do you mean? So, because overall in that situation that I was referring to when I said that the other day, we had a great time with, we did those people. Yeah, it was awesome. Oh yeah. I mean, they were fucking great.

Speaker 2 (24:26):
Oh yeah. It was total blast. It

Speaker 1 (24:28):
Was a total blast. And so I had

Speaker 2 (24:30):
Orgasm with her. It was awesome. With double dildo, again, my friend, the double dildo, my friend,

Speaker 1 (24:37):
Hello Darkness, my old friend, oh, and we won't say too much, but it turned out that the new couple, the lady part, the lady, half of the new couple, she was a massage therapist. And that's when every guy's mind goes, oh, the massage you've always dreamed of. And yeah, she's good at what she does,

Speaker 2 (25:04):
So

Speaker 1 (25:05):
We don't say anything to reveal identities or that could hinted anything, but we're just saying, said individual was good with her hands and more and has lots of experience. So you know who you are. If you're listening, you know who you are. And we like you a lot. We think you're awesome. Yep. Both of you. Yes. So

Speaker 2 (25:25):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (25:27):
Now here's Ask one more, maybe one question, and then we will get to the topic. The three things we wish we would've known when starting the Swinger lifestyle. Yes, June, I have a question for you. Okay.

Speaker 2 (25:41):
Have

Speaker 1 (25:41):
You ever been flogged or spanked in a sexual way? If so, describe.

Speaker 2 (25:48):
Yes, I have.

Speaker 1 (25:50):
And

Speaker 2 (25:52):
Well, I know we've told this story before, but we were pretty new in the lifestyle at this point. This was back last summer, and we were at the club and we had met Barbie and Ken at that. Not GI Joe. No, I'm sorry, not GI Joe.

Speaker 1 (26:10):
Yeah. Yes. GI Jo, I

Speaker 2 (26:11):
Meant yes. GI Joe, not Ken. This dude's

Speaker 1 (26:14):
Way cooler than Ken. He's GI

Speaker 2 (26:15):
Joe

Speaker 1 (26:17):
Barbie and GI Joe Barbie

Speaker 2 (26:18):
And GI Joe

Speaker 1 (26:18):
Barbie dumped Ken for GI Joe. I'm just saying. There you go. Not in real life, but metaphorically speaking, way better couple.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
Okay. Anyway, so she had a paddle and it said slut on the paddle, which now we have and own ourselves

Speaker 1 (26:35):
Because when you smack someone's ass really hard with it, it imprints the word slut onto their ass.

Speaker 2 (26:40):
Yes, it

Speaker 1 (26:40):
Does. Which is awesome.

Speaker 2 (26:43):
I remember, I don't really remember exactly how it happened. We were on the dance floor, I think, and I bent over on the stripper pole and she spanked my ass. And I remember going back over and telling John like, oh my God, that was so hot. Wow.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
What went through your head when she did that and you felt the impact, and this is the first time a lady has ever spanked you and you felt the impact of that and she's doing it to you. What? What's going through your mind that's like arousing? I'm curious. What are the thoughts? What are the feelings? Oh,

Speaker 2 (27:19):
I don't know. I think it was like, wow, this hot woman thinks I'm hot enough to smack. I mean, she obviously liked my ass because she smacked it. So it was kind of a, wow, this really beautiful woman

Speaker 1 (27:33):
And kissed it at the spot. Kissed the spot after she smacked it every

Speaker 2 (27:36):
Time. Yes, she did. So I think it was like, holy shit, that was really hot because she's so hot and she obviously, I guess thinks I'm hot. So it kind of made me feel, I don't know, felt good, wanted, I guess.

Speaker 1 (27:54):
Cool.

Speaker 2 (27:56):
And then I remember John's like, well, then go ask her again to do it again. And I was like, all shy, I'll try to be all, will you smack my ass again? And I have learned that she is more dominant to girls, and so I'm not dominant at all, but I like to be dominated by John and maybe try a little bit with a girl we

Speaker 1 (28:24):
Some with, some with ladies, not other guys, but other ladies in me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (28:27):
Yeah. And so she's like, well kiss my paddle. So I kiss her paddle and then she's like, okay, bend over. And then she did it again. And I was like, okay. Yeah, I really, that was confirmed that I am bisexual.

Speaker 1 (28:43):
Bend over, grabbing a stripper pole, getting your ass smacked by a hot Barbie and a swinger club. It was like a hundred people standing around. Men and women both. They weren't cheering on. Yep. I'm standing next to you. This's my bitch, this's mine. I didn't call you a bitch. I'm just like, yeah, I'm pointing. I'm like, yeah. I'm like, this is fucking awesome.

(29:07):
Yep. All right. Yeah, let's go ahead and get to the actual content here. We don't want to be too long with this. We know people have schedules and things, but all right, today we're talking about three things we wish we would've known when starting out in the swing, your lifestyle. These are just three guidelines. So let's say you're new, you really have no guidelines to go by, and you're like, how do we navigate this? How do we start? There's a lot of things. It's kind of like a rollercoaster. You just sort of get on, take the ride, you walk the path, you find out things on your own. But if this could make it a little easier for you, if these are some big rocks in the stream to help you cross from one side to the other, then we're happy to share that with you. So the first thing is what?

Speaker 2 (29:53):
The first thing is setting clear boundaries.

Speaker 1 (29:56):
Now, here's the thing about boundaries. We had boundaries that we knew we don't want to do this, we don't want to do that. But what we discovered after a few times in the lifestyle going to events or the club in our case, we realized, oh, there are boundaries we didn't realize existed, and we didn't know to address them. There were boundaries. There were known boundaries, but there were unknown boundaries because we had just never, we'd never walked down this path before. And so if somebody did something, but I mean, nothing insane or crazy ever happened, but if somebody did something that, oh, we really didn't like that, our first question was sort sort of, well, did we tell them that was a boundary? And the answer was almost always no. Yeah, because we didn't think of the boundary. So think about with you and your partner, what the boundaries are, each of your individual boundaries, what you want to happen or what you're willing to have happen, and what you're willing or not willing to have happen.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
And being clear on those is so important because I, I'm still working on mine of trying to be clear enough if somebody's going down on me, whether it's a girl or a guy, I don't want your fingers up there. I don't get anything out of that. So for me now, it's just being like, okay, if somebody's going to go down on me, they need to know. I don't want their finger. I don't want your fingers up there. So now I say that, I'm like, Hey, I would love for you to go down on me, but I don't want any finger penetration. Just work on the clip and only the clip.

Speaker 1 (31:37):
Yeah. Yeah. Because a lot of women get off really good and hard by getting eaten out and having their G-spot stimulated with fingers inside. And so with you in particular, that's just sort of not your thing. No. And so it could be very easy for someone to just generally mistake that and think everyone likes that, especially if their lady likes that. It's just people bring to the table their own experiences and preferences. Absolutely. And that's why it's important to discuss things because they bring to the table what they're used to doing, and maybe what you're used to doing is different than them. And so that's why it's just important to discuss. We've never discussed boundaries with people and had anyone have a problem, no. Ever. I mean, maybe there are people out there who have problems, but we've never encountered anyone who wasn't just like, oh, okay, that's cool.

(32:33):
That's fine. People have been super laid back and nice in the lifestyle and respectful for the most part. Yeah. So set those clear boundaries, and maybe it's a boundary of you or maybe, Hey, I'm not ready to see you do this to your partner. Maybe it's not ready to see them do something, or you're not ready to do something that maybe they want you to do, or because maybe they get turned on by the thought of you doing something with somebody, but you're just not there. Make that a boundary, and you can also discuss those boundaries. Why is that a boundary for you, or what does that make you feel? What does that bring to mind? These are good questions, by the way. What's the story in your head? Yes,

Speaker 2 (33:16):
That's a good one.

Speaker 1 (33:17):
Yeah. What's the story going through your head when you think of me doing this with somebody where it disturbs you or that you don't want me to? And if you ask a question like that, a clarifying question, stop talking and listen to the answer. You know, can ask questions and clarify. Don't argue though. Just treat. Because what you're really trying to do is diagnose what is the actual problem here? It usually comes down to fear of some sort, fear of leaving, fear of you'll like them better than me, and then I'll be out. It almost always comes down to fear of somebody's better than me and you'll like them more, and then it's going to destroy what we have, which that does happen with, I think with people who are already in maybe an unhealthy spot in the relationship. But that's been one of the root fears of the issues we've had. Yes. And it's never been further from the truth. In reality, after we do something, we're always like, yeah, we're like Doug and Steve tavi on a Night at the Roxbury know the guys from Saturday Night Live. Yeah. They had sex the first time. And they come out in the hallway and they're boxers and they're brothers, and it says like 30 seconds later, they both run out the hallway and they're like, oh my God, did you just, oh my God. Because I just, and then they're like, oh, well, it was all right. It's typical.

Speaker 2 (34:29):
I'm going to go back in.

Speaker 1 (34:30):
I'm going to go back in now. But most of the time we try something new, even if there's a fear, and we usually walk away going, oh my God, that was awesome, or, wow, so wasn't an issue at all. It was so not an issue. But it's important to discuss those boundaries that you have for yourselves, and if you have 'em for each other, but make sure you're being fair too. Don't make it that one partner is so giving and fair, but then you're not, that you don't reciprocate that level of fairness back. And you just got to based on who you two are individually and together, you have to find out what that is and how that works for you.

Speaker 2 (35:15):
Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1 (35:18):
I know I just said it, that's why I said it, woman, because it's good. That's good shit. Plan number two, June

Speaker 2 (35:28):
Number two says, discuss individual interests.

Speaker 1 (35:32):
All right. Talk about what you like, to an extent, you probably already know what your partner likes, but there might be things your partner thinks about or fantasizes about that they're not telling you.

Speaker 2 (35:49):
Yeah,

Speaker 1 (35:50):
And I wouldn't say it's because in general, it's not that they don't want to tell you because obviously if it's a fantasy, most anybody with a fantasy wants to try it to some degree, or they, at least in fantasy, enjoy thinking about it. What we've learned is that a lot of times when people don't tell their partner their fantasies, it's, and I'm going to say this and then I'll explain it. It's because their partner has trained them about what to think and how they're going to react. So your partner has trained you about how they're going to respond to certain things you do or say you can people in any situation it, it's the old cliche thing, oh, that guy's a war veteran. Oh, if you talk about war, he'll go off. It's not typically, but it's that. It's like, oh, if you say something about a threesome would be hot, maybe the lady in the relationship might go, what am I not enough? Or something like that. Or we train people how to respond to us. We train people how to address us because we train, what am I trying to say? We train them on how we are going to respond to certain things, whether we realize we're doing it or not. So when you discuss your individual interests, your kinks, your fantasies, fetishes, a barrier might be how will they respond?

(37:29):
Are they going to take it personal or will they think I'm weird? Will they be against me? Will they be shocked? And will I be embarrassed? I'll say this, be the person in your partner's life, which you should be. If you're with somebody, you should be the safe haven. You should be the safe place where yeah, they can tell you anything. They can be a hundred percent transparent themselves.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
Yeah, I mean, there's a few newer ones that I want to try, and I was nervous to mention it, but I was like, well, I want to be able to be honest and tell him what they are so that we can try him together. And if he doesn't know, then how can that happen?

Speaker 1 (38:13):
Yeah. And tell me this, what were you nervous about in telling me? What were the fears before you told me what your newer developing fantasies are?

Speaker 2 (38:26):
Probably the same thing. Is he going to think that because I want to have a gang bang with guys, and I also want a gang bang with girls too, because that would be hot, but, or I just want to have fun with John and one other guy. I'd like to try that. And I guess it's kind of the same thing that went through my head kind of like, well, gosh, I don't want him to think that he's not enough, that I have to have more dick. I don't know. I think it was like, I don't want him to get hurt, or I don't want him to think that he's not enough.

Speaker 1 (39:10):
So for a time you weren't telling me things just because you were concerned about how I would perceive it and to be truthful, and we are on here. I didn't even know I say that to be honest. It's like, what are we not being honest? What have we been doing here the whole time? Yeah. That's never bothered me. I've never taken her fantasies and internalized them against myself. I've never seen it as, oh, you're not enough. Because, and maybe it's because as a guy or the kind of person I am, to me, variety is the spice of life. I love trying mean. If there's 31 flavors of ice cream, I want to try every fucking one of them. If there's a blonde to brunette a redhead, and they're 18 to 25, and then they're 45 to 55, and I mean black, white, Hispanic, Asian, I want to fucking try them all.

(40:07):
So I understand developing in a variety of fantasies. So her fear of that for the time that she didn't tell me however long that was, I don't even know. It was totally invalid. It was valid in the sense that she's a good person who was concerned. It was invalid in the sense that I would give a shit because yeah, I don't, and I think most of these things are hot anyway, because I want to try so many things myself. I understand people developing and wanting to try other things. So mean once you get to that point in your relationship where it's like, yeah, I want to try this and here's why. And maybe even tell your partner that has nothing to do with you, by the way. It's not, has nothing to do with you not being enough or anything like that. I mean, address those fears. And you probably know some of the fears your partner has if you've been with them at least a little while, you know, probably know some of the insecurities. And the thing is, if you address an insecurity or a fear out front, it helps diffuse it as you have the conversation and it's way more productive of a conversation.

Speaker 2 (41:11):
That's true.

Speaker 1 (41:11):
And in this case, in the lifestyle, the results can be positively mind blowing and enjoyable for both of you.

Speaker 2 (41:18):
Well, yeah, because I mean, gosh, every time we've played with anybody and we come back home and it's like basically since we joined the lifestyle even more, we've always had a great sex life. We've always had a great relationship, but when you join the lifestyle, it forces you to have conversations and that you would've never had. And when you do things with other people, it's crazy. You would think this, that's not impossible. How the fuck does that happen? Or whatever. But seriously, every time we've played with another couple, it's all it's done is brought us closer together and it's made us, we can't keep our hands off of each other. It's even more than it was before. It's just all it's done is made it even better than what we had before.

Speaker 1 (42:10):
Yeah. Sex goes from great to fucking super great. Yeah, astronomical great. We didn't even know that level existed. Yeah. I mean, the other night when we were playing with that new couple for the first time, and it was their first time, gosh, we came home and we had amazing, gosh, we must have had sex, what, two or three times between that night and the next morning? Yeah. I mean, it was like a big five hour sexual

Speaker 2 (42:39):
Fuck, fuck fest. It was like,

Speaker 1 (42:40):
Yeah, well, no. Leading up to it, we went on a date with him. We went back, played for a few hours. It was, the whole thing was a big buildup, a big, big, a big foreplay session. And then we got home and banged it out three times in the next 12, eight to 12 hours. And it was amazing the whole time. And we even got a text message from them the next day, and they're like, oh my God, we've had sex, what was it, four or five times in the past? I don't remember the numbers. I'm not making these up, but holy fuck we, we've had so much sex. She's drained me like, oh my God. And it's like, I remember before leaving where we were with them after we played, I said, I look forward to getting the message about the next 48 hours of your sex life. And I think they were kind of confused, like, huh? And I'm like, don't worry, you'll get it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (43:36):
And now they do.

Speaker 1 (43:38):
Yeah. Now they're like, oh my God. And we're like, we know, right? Isn't this

Speaker 2 (43:43):
Us? That's been us the past nine months now.

Speaker 1 (43:46):
Yeah. It hasn't gone away. It hasn't died down. It hasn't gone away. Uhuh we're more touchy feely in and out of the bedroom.

Speaker 2 (43:55):
It's 24 7. It's not, yeah. It's not even after we play with a couple that it lasts a couple days and then it goes back down like no, it has stayed.

Speaker 1 (44:07):
Yeah. It maintains for us. It does. Yeah.

(44:11):
So these three things we wish we would've known when starting in the swinger lifestyle. The first one was set clear boundaries. The second one was discuss individual interest, fantasies, fetishes kinks, things like that. Number three, we say tiptoe forward together. So agree on trying certain things that you're both comfortable with and tiptoe, dip your toe into it, try it, and then talk afterwards. How did you each feel about that? Yeah. Did you enjoy it? You there are things that you might think you will never enjoy. I would never like that. I would never be into that until you try it and get into it. Not every time, but many times people will discover, oh my God, I can't believe how much I was turned on by that. I was totally against it. Totally against the idea in my head, it was this bad thing. Then I saw it, then I tried it, then we did it, and oh my God, I'm hooked. This is so good. This that was so hot. And they don't know why. Yeah. So that's why it's important. Be open-minded to try something that is maybe just beyond your comfort zone, not way out, but just beyond, it's called growth. And do it at your own pace. And then discuss each of those little tiptoe steps together that you took.

Speaker 2 (45:32):
Well, yeah, for me, for example, for me, I think I would like to try just one other guy first before we do the whole gang bang thing. That would be for me, a tiptoe of in the direction that I want to eventually get to, because the gang bang still kind of frightens me a little bit. All

Speaker 1 (45:51):
That dick. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (45:53):
Oh my gosh. All for you. All that pressure. All for you. So yeah. So for me, that would be an example, just to give you guys an example. That would be for me, like, okay, maybe we try one other guy together first before we do the whole full on gang bang.

Speaker 1 (46:11):
Yeah. Try one more before you try nine more or whatever your number is.

Speaker 2 (46:16):
Oh, no, no, not that. No, God, no. Not that many. Okay.

Speaker 1 (46:19):
23, whatever.

Speaker 2 (46:20):
No, three or four. Okay. Three or four plus you.

Speaker 1 (46:25):
Okay. Okay. So five total. Yeah.

(46:32):
So we hope this has been helpful. Again, the three things we talked about today, these are just guidelines that would've been helpful for us. And I think in some sort of way, we got talked to a lot of people when we first started getting around it, but it was never just laid out for us. So set clear boundaries, talk about those, discuss their individual interests in kinks and fetishes and things that turn you on. And three tip tiptoe, and you'll forward together in this open-minded Try things just beyond your comfort zone together and at your own pace. And if at any point you get upset or there's drama or there's argument talk, get curious and talk respectful and maturely to each other, what you're thinking and how you're maybe offended or feeling insecure, that might not be reality. Yeah. It might just be the way the lens you're seeing reality through, but it might not actually be that

Speaker 2 (47:28):
Way. And 90% of the time, in our case, it's not been the case at all. It's just a lens of the religious bullshit I grew up with.

Speaker 1 (47:37):
Yeah. I mean, whether it's religious or society, whichever kind of society you grew up in. Yeah. Everybody was taught a certain way to be live. And apparently if you do anything else, you're wrong. But they're all saying something different. And they're all absolutely certain they're the ones who are right. Yeah. Somebody's going to be fucking disappointed at the end of the life. But it is just like we all have this psychological conditioning, open your mind, realize life isn't as scary as you think it is. And if you just try new things, even baby stepping into it, it can be some of the best experiences and can lead to some of the best experience of experiences of your life. And you can discover more about who you actually are and what you actually like. And I think that's one reason so many swinger couples end up growing so strong in their relationship as a result of the lifestyles because they discovered themselves in each other on a level deeper than they ever knew, and they did it together. And I think that's just a natural byproduct of having maybe an experience like that.

Speaker 2 (48:45):
Well, yeah, because I, I don't think our communication was bad before the lifestyle, but it's gotten so much better since the lifestyle, our communication with each other and has been great. Yeah. We fight here and there, but those are getting fewer and fewer thankfully at this point. But it's like, I don't know, it's brought us closer together and our communication is even better.

Speaker 1 (49:14):
I think it's because it's great to have a person in your life where you can just be 100% who you actually really are unencumbered, unhindered around that person. There's nothing that I am that I can't say to you. And there's nothing that you can't mention or say to me. And I fully accept you as you are.

Speaker 2 (49:39):
And same here.

Speaker 1 (49:40):
It's pretty great to be have a person in your life who just accepts you for who you are and how you are, just because.

Speaker 2 (49:47):
Yeah. Yeah. It's so good to have that. And should we tell them the exciting news of what we're building? Ooh.

Speaker 1 (49:55):
We are building our legacy. Well,

Speaker 2 (49:57):
In a sense,

Speaker 1 (50:00):
Take it away June. We're

Speaker 2 (50:01):
Building a sex room. Oh

Speaker 1 (50:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (50:03):
We're so excited. And we're doing it the way we want to do it. And they're going to have all kinds of fun toys, furniture, and Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 (50:14):
Yeah, we saw that Netflix special, how to build a sex room. And we're like, why the fuck don't we do that? We have a big basement with some rooms there not being used. Exactly. It wouldn't take a lot of work. So you will be hearing more about that. Oh yeah. In future episodes, we will probably do an entire episode on it once it's Oh, my Gods

Speaker 2 (50:33):
Done. Oh God. Oh my God. Ugh. I can't wait.

Speaker 1 (50:35):
Oh, I know. It's going to be so fun. It's going to be for me, but it's also going to be for when our lifestyle friends come over if they want to try. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (50:45):
Oh, and we got a hot tub. It's working. We got it working. And it's functional now. And it's

Speaker 1 (50:51):
Right outside the sex room.

Speaker 2 (50:52):
Yes, it is. And we fucked hard the other day in that hot tub. It was awesome. And steamy

Speaker 1 (51:00):
Hot and steamy.

Speaker 2 (51:01):
And I think I posted a picture the other day on my only fans. So if you haven't been to my only fans, check it out. I posted a picture of me in the hot tub. Ooh, I just topless. Oh

Speaker 1 (51:10):
Yeah, I just topless in the hot tub.

Speaker 2 (51:12):
Yes. Topless in the hot tub.

Speaker 1 (51:13):
There's a few of them on your only fans. There is. And probably more by the time people hear this. Yeah. So go to the link in the show notes. It's the first one. See June June's only fans is, I think it's the first link in the show notes. Or just go to the website, new swingers podcast.com. You'll see the link there at the top of the page. But yeah, go check it out. So we

Speaker 2 (51:33):
Have a free one where you just pay if you are wanting to see a certain picture that I have or you just, the cheaper way, honestly is just joining in. It's only 9 99 a month. Yeah. And you get free full on access to everything. I post

Speaker 1 (51:47):
Pictures, videos, encounters, everything. Yeah. The free one. We have stuff on there, but there's other stuff you have to pay for. So what we realized is some people were paying four or five, $7 a picture or two, and it's like, look, if you just pay 9 97 a month, you can cancel anytime. And you have full access to everything she's ever put on there.

Speaker 2 (52:10):
And if you, there's some hot stuff just saying. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (52:13):
Yeah. And if you don't want to say subscribe, you literally just click cancel subscription, and at the end of 30 days it will just not renew. Yeah. So it doesn't take from you. There's no swindling. There's no craziness. No. So yeah, go check that out. So many people have asked, what does June look like? Well, we don't show her face. No. But you can see the rest of her and Yeah. Damn. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (52:40):
32 triple D's just saying.

Speaker 1 (52:42):
And pierced

Speaker 2 (52:42):
Nipples. And they're pierce nipples.

Speaker 1 (52:44):
And you never know what nipple rings she's going to have in her nipples, in these pictures either or who she might have there licking or playing with them, whether it's me or another hot lady or who knows. But it's a fun little thing we discovered. June's an exhibitionist.

Speaker 2 (53:00):
Yes, I am.

Speaker 1 (53:02):
She likes being watched sexually. And so we're like, well, I think there's a platform for that.

Speaker 2 (53:09):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (53:10):
Why not set one up? And when everybody's asking what does she look like? Or Hey, you two sound hot or She sounds hot. Well, you can go see how hot and steamy she looks, especially in those hot tub

Speaker 2 (53:21):
Pictures. And John is hot and steamy too. Just

Speaker 1 (53:24):
Saying. Oh, well thank you. I try. Anyway, we hope this has been helpful for you. Again, leave us a rating review if this has been helpful. Takes three seconds. Click those stars. We appreciate it and it helps us continue to help you.