39- How To "Say No" And "Accept A No" In The Swinger Lifestyle

What is the best way to handle rejection? Nobody likes it, but you're going to have to give it and accept it sometimes in the swinger lifestyle. Almost nothing feels worse than rejection, but sometimes it also feels uncomfortable to think we may hurt someone's feelings by telling them 'no' when they ask us to 'play.' 

In today's episode of the New Swingers Podcast, we give you some very simple, easy-to-use phrases and strategies (and mindset shifts) you can use over and over again if you have to tell someone no and don't want to hurt their feelings. Also, we show you several ways you can accept being told 'no' by someone you ask to play and understand why it's ok, it may have nothing to do with you, and the proper mindset that will have you walking away feeling good about yourself instead of insulted or rejected.

As swingers, whether at a house party, a hotel takeover, a swingers resort, a swingers cruise, or just experimenting with friends privately behind closed doors, you will find yourself having to say no to things you don't want and you will occasionally be told no by others. It's just part of the swinger lifestyle. But after listening to this episode, you'll know how to walk away from either scenario feeling good about yourself and giving the other person the best opportunity to do the same so you can both have even more fun in the lifestyle.

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Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the New Swingers podcast. I'm John.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
And I'm June.

Speaker 1 (00:03):
And today we're talking about how to say no and how to accept a no. Yeah. How to say no. How do you say no to somebody if they want to play, but you don't want to? That can be kind of awkward for some people. Where are some things you can say or some context you can have? We're going to give you those answers right now in this episode. But also, how do you accept a no? If you ask somebody to play or something like that and they say no, how do you handle that? Or how can you reduce the sting of that possible rejection because nobody wants to feel rejected, but also not everybody wants to play with you. And we're going to go into a little bit of the psychology behind that in the context. And it's not always what you think. Yeah, you don't always have to take it personal. We're going to talk about why and it'll make it a lot easier because a lot of people, I know guys in particular are like, oh, I think one of the most scary things in the world is asking a woman out or to play because there's that, you open up that possibility of being rejected by someone you're really attracted to, and that is scary as hell for a man.

Speaker 2 (01:11):
Well, I think it's scary for anybody, honestly. But I know that's a big thing that John says a lot with men that that's a big thing. But I think just being rejected. I mean, women don't like it either. We don't. I mean, who wants to? Sure. Who wants to be rejected?

Speaker 1 (01:28):
Oh, yeah. Nobody wants to, I, I can only speak from a man's perspective, but I know guys who will do a lot of wild and crazy shit, but talking to a woman they're attracted to, it's like sometimes it's being held underwater and how long can you hold your breath? It's like people change, they kind of freak out, or it's one of those things that sorta can sometimes tap the insecurity of maybe a p of you that you don't like to think about. So yeah, we're going to talk about today. Just say how to accept a no, but also how to give a no and what you should expect from people who are respectable in the lifestyle. And if people don't act in these certain ways, maybe if they act worse, number one, you may dodge a good bullet there. Yeah. And two, this just gives you some ideas about a lot, I guess etiquette and the lifestyle. Say, if you have nothing to go on, what's typical? What's normal? I mean, everything really revolves around consent and just don't take anything personal.

Speaker 2 (02:35):
But

Speaker 1 (02:36):
Before we get to that, I'm going to draw a few cards from this deck of what's your thing from the We Got Thing podcast that we still haven't gotten the deck of cards back to our friends yet because our lifestyle friends, because we haven't seen them yet.

Speaker 2 (02:48):
We've been busy. They've been busy. Life happens. But today it was really fun because this morning we went out to the beach this morning and I was not wearing any underwear, so an acute black sundress. And John took some hot pictures of me and it. They're on my only fans, so check it out.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh yeah. So here's the first question We'll kick off. We'll play a couple minutes with these questions on this card game, and then we'll jump right in to the accepting how to accept no and how to say No. So June, would you ever bring play partners to your home for playtime? Why or why not?

Speaker 2 (03:39):
Yes, I would. As long as it's someone or a couple that we've gotten to know and we feel comfortable with, letting them know where we live, because that's a huge thing because we have kids. So it's definitely, I would say yes, because we are building a sex room for us, but also to enjoy the friends. But I would say yes, but it needs to be people we've gotten to really know and trust and get a good vibe for, I think. What about you?

Speaker 1 (04:14):
Yeah, I, I totally love the idea of having friends over. It's just like you said, if you have kids getting the kids out, sending their them somewhere so they're not around, we can just have fun. Yeah, definitely. Like you said, getting to know people. It's because if someone's going to know where you live, it's kind of like you really kind of want to make sure you know that because you meet some people and they seem fine, then they turn out to be total freaking weirdos or psychos and it's like, oh, they know where we live. And so you never know. But if you have friends that you make, and like you said, again, I'm saying everything you're saying, and we were building the sax room just for that reason for us. But also it's like, Hey, that'll be fun to have friends over. Yeah, I agree. And basically I think said everything you said as I was shuffling through the other cards, finding a few, if it sounded redundant, it was, how do you feel about play at a club or house party with your partner? What about others? So I'm going to rephrase this one because it's kind of vague. How do you feel? I don't know. How do you feel about it? Let me ask you this, June, do you prefer playing at a club or a house party

(05:36):
Or do you 'em both and they're just different and maybe tell why.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
I mean 'em both. I like going and playing at the club. I love the atmosphere. I love getting on the dance floor and dancing with John, especially if I've had some alcohol in me and some nineties raps playing, and I really like to shake my ass. So that's fun. And I like being watched. So I like that. The club that we used to be a part of a lot, they had the room where it's a huge bed and tons of people can fit on it, and they had windows surrounding that room, and I like being watched. So I love that part of it. But I also really, if it's a house party, it's a little bit more intimate, which sometimes makes me, I think, more nervous than the club because there's a lot going on at the club. But I do enjoy, I don't know, I like 'em both, but I enjoy if it's a house party or just at a hotel with a couple of friend, if we're full swapping with a couple, a friends of ours or something, I like that too. But I think, I feel like I get more nervous when it's more intimate like that though.

Speaker 1 (07:04):
And I'm with you. I like both. They're just different. I like the club because it's bigger and get lost in the crowd. Lots of people there, lots of

Speaker 2 (07:16):
Selections,

Speaker 1 (07:17):
Lots of selection, not just drinks. Yeah. Well, and you discover a lot about yourself in that setting too. You talked about the orgy room with the big bed. We discovered an exhibitionist there after you got watched as we were playing. You're like, oh my God, that's so hot. I had no idea. I loved being watched. And so you loved that. And meeting new people, made new friends, great for doing that. And there's a lot of people there. Yeah. I personally, if I could choose one or the other, I would choose house parties, though that would be my number one. I just, the smaller nature of it, it's more personal. Get to know people.

Speaker 2 (07:59):
Probably less distractions.

Speaker 1 (08:01):
Fewer distractions too. Because as a guy in the lifestyle, if you're new to lifestyle, you might never had issues getting a hard on and keeping it. But when you're distracted or if you're not used to being naked in front of other people or just distracted by music or other people talking or all the other million things that can go on at a club, that can actually affect your erection. And it's not that your dick doesn't work. It's not that you have ed, erectile dysfunction, nothing like that. It's you're just fucking distracted. And then the only time in my life it's ever happened was in big crowds and I wasn't even, I was just distracted music, people talking, people moving, going in and out of the room, all kinds of stuff. And we have friends too who have played for their first time, and I, I've heard guys go, dude, what the fuck? This has never happened. I'm like, dude, I believe you and I know, and here's exactly what it is, so don't worry.

(09:04):
And I'll toss him a him a pill or something from that. We get from Shameless Care. By the way, if you go to the link in the show notes, he can actually get some of those pills to he keep you harder longer, and even get, I think you get 30 bucks off your order if you use the promo code new at checkout. So go check that out. But yeah, I like the house parties better just because it's smaller, more intimate. I can actually talk. If we see people we're attracted to, we can actually have time to actually talk to 'em, get to know, and then later in the night we end up playing with 'em. So next question, June, where do you like to be touched?

Speaker 2 (09:52):
Yes, same. Yeah, everywhere, honestly. Yeah. Yes,

Speaker 1 (10:06):
Same here.

(10:09):
I would say for me, obviously my dick, I would say for me it's like, well, and our recent new friends, I discovered this too because the lady in the relationship, she's a massage therapist, and so it's like, you know, found that out and you're like, oh my God. Yes, I bet. Shit. I bet. It's amazing. And definitely was, and I think I talked about this in a different episode, but she did this massage thing on my thighs all the way up to my stomach, my ad region, and everything in between. I think we had coconut oil, so it was a real massage, but it was a super erotic, very, very sexual massage. And I had never experienced that, so I was like, oh, that's really different. So I know there are different erogenous zones that people have. Your ears, your neck, your crotch, your inner thighs, different places that on the human body that we know are called erogenous zones, which are different places that if you touch them or caress them like they will, they're known for heightening arousal very quickly. If I kiss you on the neck where that giant hickey is from last night. Yes. That right there, for example.

Speaker 2 (11:33):
Yes. I have a huge ass hickey. He left me last night. It was kind of creepy too, because I literally in my mind was like, holy shit, he's sucking so hard. Is he going to pop a vein? Then my mind went to Twilight, because I love the Twilight movies. I don't care how old they are, I still love 'em. Anytime I'm sick, that's what I do. If had to lay around, I'm watching Twilight every time, the whole series within a couple days,

Speaker 1 (11:59):
And no, I do not draw blood.

Speaker 2 (12:00):
No, but in my mind, my mind went there like, holy shit, he's my vampire.

Speaker 1 (12:07):
But I also know you feeling that intense, I'll say pain, but sensation of that really hard kind of hickey. Yeah. And leaving a mark. You like having marks left on you from sexual encounters. So

Speaker 2 (12:23):
I call it branding. I like when he brands me with

Speaker 1 (12:28):
A paddle or whatever, or a hickey

Speaker 2 (12:32):
Or smacking me on the ass to your hand or a hickeys or, yeah, yeah. Yep. I like all that

Speaker 1 (12:39):
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Speaker 2 (14:07):
Definitely not that for me. Yeah, I don't want that. Don't either. Don't desire that. But if it comes between one night stands or friends that you kind of play with sometimes regular, is that kind of what you mean? Regular you

Speaker 1 (14:20):
Have casual friends of benefits that live nearby and you guys kind of play maybe a couple times a month or just whenever you're hanging out. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. You just have casual friends with benefits.

Speaker 2 (14:31):
What do I prefer?

Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, one Night stands or casual friends with benefits,

Speaker 2 (14:39):
Because I've done both. We kind of have both,

Speaker 1 (14:44):
And they're both fun. They're both exciting,

Speaker 2 (14:46):
I guess I would say the first one

Speaker 1 (14:51):
Night stands. Yeah. Okay. Tell us about that.

Speaker 2 (14:54):
I think for me it's like, because, I mean, it's nice having friends that you play with, but I don't, for me, it's like I'm wanting, I want friends, and so I don't want to have friends that they expect us to play every time, if you know what I mean. I don't know. Time to hang out every time you hang out. Oh, they're expecting we're going to fuck or play. Yeah. And I like the idea of just having some friends that every once in a while if we play okay, but I don't know, for me, I the one night stands because there's nothing attached. It's it, I don't know that also that part of, oh, we don't know who they are or any really too much about 'em. And then that's kind of hot too, of not really knowing, oh, I don't think I'll ever see them again. And that's exciting and hot in its own way. So I don't know. I think one night stands for me is probably my favorite because I don't like John and I fuck all the time. So for me, I don't need a part, a set of play partners that we regularly, fuck. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:04):
Well, plus the, there's again, the whole part where one night stand, if you raised, I think a lot of us were, you're not supposed to do it, which makes you want to do that said thing even more. If you want something to become more popular, just outlaw it and then it's going to spread wildfire and everyone's going to do it. That's how we are as humans for some reason.

Speaker 2 (16:25):
Well, what about you? What would you say is your preference?

Speaker 1 (16:32):
I went to the one night stands for the Reasons You said. I also like to casual friends of benefits because you have friendships with people who are like you and think you and you can be yourself around. And I think just being friends with benefits, that doesn't mean you have to play every time, but there's always the possibility if people are in the mood and it seems fun, and maybe we didn't plan on it, we don't play every time, but maybe sometimes they're hanging out and having a couple drinks and people are like, Hey, we know this couple we're, we know these people. They're friends, we're comfortable with them. We didn't plan on going this way, but it just sort of organically did. And so then we play, because some of the I, the best sex for me, I think a lot of times is if you want to kill a mood sexually for me, fucking plan sex.

(17:24):
That sounds like the most boring shit ever. We're going to plan times to have sex. I don't even want to be there. I want it to be like, we meet up. We didn't plan on it, but things got hot kind of quick and we just fucking rolled with it organically and everyone had their minds blown. That's for me. So now that's what the appeal of One Night Stand is too. But also Friends of Benefits, I think it could be like that, but even more just because the people, and I think if people as friends, I think we don't know this yet through experience, but I've heard sometimes it can make the play experience even better because you're just more comfortable with the people, and so you kind of know 'em a little bit and that can make things better. Yeah, I think. But who

Speaker 2 (18:11):
Knows? Well, I think for me also, when it's the friends with benefits, I guess I sometimes would worry that what if it turns into something that they start, I don't know. That starts being more, I don't know what I'm trying to say either if it's expected every time or if it starts taken away from what you and your spouse have and you're wanting to do it with more them more than you are, I think it needs to be a good balance because I don't want it, I would never want it to come to the fact that, oh, we only want to fuck now if we're fucking with other, you know what I mean? With other people, I guess. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Yeah, I guess

Speaker 1 (19:13):
I hear what you're trying to say, but I think there's bigger issues there if that became a thing. Yeah,

Speaker 2 (19:18):
Well that's what I'm saying. I would always just try to be careful.

Speaker 1 (19:21):
Well, don't let it be a thing if you see us developing, talk about it and don't let it become a thing.

Speaker 2 (19:26):
Yeah. I think that's when just having a great communication with each other is important

Speaker 1 (19:30):
And tell people like, Hey, we're not looking to play every time we want friendships because some people getting lifestyle and they're only looking to play every time, and that's okay. But make it clear if you're like, yeah, we want to do that a lot too, but sometimes we just want to make friends. And the older I'm getting, the more I find that's important to me.

Speaker 2 (19:50):
Oh yeah,

Speaker 1 (19:50):
When I was 21, 22, I just want to fuck all the time. And I still do. I'm still very much that way, but if we don't and we just get to know people and maybe next time it ends up happening, I'm cool with that too. Y yeah, because I value making friends. Me too. And I would never want what you just described to happen to us, and it wouldn't because we'd talk about it, but I wouldn't want another couple to have so much fun with us that they lose their fire between each other. I'd be like, I would totally advise them. No, you guys need to talk about that and figure it out. Yeah. We don't want you destroyed. We want you built up. And even better

Speaker 2 (20:34):
Because for us, every time when we play with other people, then we come home and shit. It's so much. It's hot. Anyway. Okay. We have great fucking sex. Yeah, we do. But we both notice that after we've played with other people, all it's done is made us more in love with each other. Can't keep our hands off of each other even more than we already are.

Speaker 1 (21:00):
It's having five hours of intense foreplay and then you go home and you fuck. And it's like both of you are ready to fucking explode. Yeah. Yeah. There's something about it. Last card, and we're going to get to the topic. We're running kind of long here. What lifestyle podcast do you enjoy most? I would say personally the New Swingers podcast. Though I could be biased though. We got a thing, you know guys provided this card game, so thank you for that.

Speaker 2 (21:30):
Well, I would say yes, ours for sure, but also I think it's the podcast, the owners of owners, the clubs

Speaker 1 (21:42):
Club. Oh yeah. In Dallas Open Love 1 0 1.

Speaker 2 (21:45):
Yeah, open Love 1 0 1. I really like

Speaker 1 (21:47):
John and Jackie

Speaker 2 (21:49):
And I really like their stuff. They've got a lot of great content that has been helpful. So yeah, I would definitely say us first, but then Open 1 0 1 would be my other one.

Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah. When I say us first, I'm kind of laughing cause I know I don't actually learn a lot on this podcast because we're the one doing the talking. But yeah, O Open Loaf 1 0 1 was great. Oh, it is great. And in the very beginning they have a lot of short YouTube videos on certain topics and just kind of helps you tiptoe in. I really liked that.

Speaker 2 (22:24):
Well, I think for me saying for real quick what I was going to say for me saying that this is my favorite podcast, I think it's just because I love and well, you do too. We love helping people. And so I feel like doing this, the reason why it's my favorite is because I love being able to help other people who aren't far as far along in the journey as we are.

Speaker 1 (22:47):
Yeah. And what else is interesting and beneficial for us is that as we experience things and then we talk about them from this outside third party context in a podcast setting, I think it actually helps us understand ourselves and our journey better because we're not just you and I talking about it together like we do, but we're talking about it in front of other people. That kind of adds a different dynamic to it, I think, of discussion. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I think it helps, maybe in an indirect way, helps us understand ourselves better, maybe in a way that we wouldn't if we weren't publicly talking about this.

Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yeah, yeah. I see what you're saying. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (23:34):
So now to the content of the episode that you've been waiting for. So basically how to say no in the lifestyle and how to accept no. If somebody tells you no, if they ask you to play and you want to say no, or if you ask somebody to play and they say no, we're going to talk about a little bit of contact mindset with this, because like we said in the beginning, nobody wants to be rejected, but you also don't want to play with everybody. Maybe someone you're not attracted to, but you don't want to come off rude. But you also don't want to just do something so somebody else is not uncomfortable. Yeah. You don't ever want to validate your own personal integrity just to make someone else feel good or not disappoint them because then you'll resent yourself and you have to have that personal integrity to yourself and that's very important. So we're going to start with accepting no if somebody rejects you, and then we're going to go into how to say no. A few tips on that. So accepting of, here's just the basic preface is if somebody tells you no, if ask 'em to play and they say no, it may or may not be you. Now it might be you or it might not be you. Yeah. I mean, are you clean, well groomed? Do you brush your teeth? Do you have a fresh haircut? Do you make yourself as attractive as possible? Are you healthy?

(25:04):
Maybe you just don't have the body type the person's attracted to regardless of what that is.

Speaker 2 (25:10):
Or even eth, ethnic eth. Why can I talk

Speaker 1 (25:13):
Today? Ethnicity?

Speaker 2 (25:14):
Yeah. Maybe they only African American guys or women, or maybe they only Hispanics or maybe they only

Speaker 1 (25:25):
Asian.

Speaker 2 (25:25):
Asian. There's so many, or white

Speaker 1 (25:28):
Or

Speaker 2 (25:29):
What. So yeah, I said that that was funny. But yeah, you just don't know what, they might have a preference.

Speaker 1 (25:39):
Yeah, I mean, we like that. We have friends who I think are totally hot, but it's, they have their certain preferences and it's like, oh, well, one or both of us might not fit that, but they're still great friends of ours, and so we have awesome friendships. But when it comes to their sexual attraction, they kind of know what they like. And if someone doesn't fit in that box, it's nothing against them. But also, well, and there's so many people in the lifestyle, you can just go to the next people. There's no shortage next in the lifestyle. It seems like there's many people for everybody. You just got to find your groove, find your group. But think about this too, and accepting though we're talking about do you make yourself as attractive as possible? Are you personal and friendly? Are you non pressuring? Do you come off as someone who you're talking to 'em, but they can just get the vibe that you're only talking to so you can play with 'em?

(26:38):
Or do they feel like you're genuinely interested in who they are as a person, whether or not you do anything? Because I'll tell you right now, the biggest attraction is when you're not trying. I always act like I don't give a fuck if we play or not. When we meet people, and I'm not, when I say act, I'm not actually acting like I'm for real. I don't give a fuck if we play or not. When we're meeting people I don't like, I'm not because that'll come off as desperate if you push it that way. And Desperate's never attractive. So yeah, I genuinely don't care if we play with somebody or not. But the less pressuring or expecting I'm acting, I think the more success we have.

Speaker 2 (27:21):
Yeah. Well, we've kind of always been that way when whether we've went to the club or whether we've met a couple on a date and then went from there to do things or whatever, or house parties or whatever. All the things we've done now, but it's, it's always had that intention of there's no intention that we're going to play. We will see how it goes with us. It's kind of like, okay, we will have all of our things, our fuck bag,

Speaker 1 (27:54):
The bang

Speaker 2 (27:54):
Bag, the bang bag with us in case things go that way. But

Speaker 1 (27:59):
By the way, the Bang bag is full of condoms and lube and

Speaker 2 (28:02):
Toys, my double dildo

Speaker 1 (28:03):
That you love using with

Speaker 2 (28:04):
Ladies. Different things like toys and whatever, lubes and stuff. But we have that with us, but we don't ever go meet people and with the intention that, oh, it's going to go that way. If it goes that way, great. If it doesn't, great, we doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 (28:24):
And this is what the way I put it, go, go out with people, go out with intent, but not expectation. The intent of to meet them. And we might play, but not with the expectation. We are going to definitely play with these people because there are so many things. There are a million reasons someone might say no. And quite possibly none of those reasons could be you or have anything to do with you or having to do with a lack of attraction to you. Maybe it's where they're at in their lifestyle journey. Maybe they're just trying to get to more, more like-minded friends. Their goal is to just get around people who think they do and live. They do

Speaker 2 (29:10):
Well. Yeah, because for me, I remember we first started this, well, gosh, 11 months ago now, I had no interest in doing anything with a guy. I had no zero interest. I really just wanted to explore my new found by sexuality. I had no desire. Mean, now I do, but I had no, so for me, if we were meeting people and they were couples, I was always, I'm only want to play with the girl. I'm not interested in playing with the guy.

Speaker 1 (29:46):
And there's no guy that would've been the exception back then either. No. It doesn't matter how good of a dude you are, it's literally, it wasn't a guy thing. It was literally, you're literally only interested in playing with ladies. So it wouldn't have anything to do with a guy if you rejected him or just said no. Some people, I think just maybe the thrill of the possibility of dating and possibly swapping with other couples kind of getting close, but, or maybe they're, that's part of their journey still, but they're just not ready. Or maybe they went to have drinks with you. Maybe they saw someone in public, they knew and maybe it reminded 'em of something and it turned 'em off. Or maybe they got freaked out like, oh, because we're on a date with another couple who are in the lifestyle, and we just saw vanilla people we knew. Not that they would know why you're out and who you're with, but that could freak somebody out. Some people feel like they just need to get to know you more as a person before playing. Everyone's different sexually. Some people really need a connection with a person. Other people, it's like, yeah, let's just have fun. Other people, they really need to get to know somebody a little deeper first, and that's perfectly normal. Okay.

Speaker 2 (31:03):
Well, I think for me, for an example, we want, or I really desire to have a threesome with you and another guy, but what I've come to find out is I want to meet a guy, and maybe at least the first time we meet up, especially if it's somebody that we've never met, I want to meet him for drinks to just get him know him, to see if there's even a good vibe there with the guy. And then maybe the second time we meet up, and maybe it goes that way if we get a good feeling. So it just really just, everyone has their preference. Everyone has their things that they do to make them self comfortable.

Speaker 1 (31:50):
But again, even if somebody says, no, it might be you, or it could be a million things that are not you or could not

Speaker 2 (31:56):
Be you.

Speaker 1 (31:57):
Yeah. And so, I mean, we recently grabbed drinks with a couple new friends of ours that we had met at a house party, but I didn't realize I had a lot to drink the night before, more than I usually would. And then we met with them the following evening for dinner and possibly maybe more. And I had only a couple of drinks while we were with them, but they were really strong. So for the first time in my life, it was everything in me wanted to play, but my brain and my body were not connecting in that way.

(32:42):
And I think I just had way too much alcohol the night prior. And then that night, I only had a couple, but they were really strong. So we ended up not playing. We just met. Now we're trying to reschedule right now to meet up because we do want to meet up and hang out with them again and more. But it was legitimately, I was sure, was certain to make it very clear, not you guys, I'm not blowing you off. I'm not bullshitting you. We definitely want to, but tonight something, I'm not feeling it in my brain. But the thing is, it had absolutely nothing to do with the two of them. They're a great looking couple. They seem to be awesome people. And I mean, just totally our type of people. And it had absolutely nothing to do with the two of them. No. And so I was really clear, and hopefully, you know, hope they believe what you're saying because that was the truth. It had nothing to do with them. And I didn't want them to think it did, because it truly didn't. It genuinely was me.

Speaker 2 (33:51):
Well, and it was not only you either, because I was feeling the same way that night of me, just for some reason I just wasn't really, I really wanted to just get to know them. I really wasn't feeling, and it wasn't them, it was literally me. Just like, I'm not really in the mood tonight to, it wasn't them. It could have been anybody.

Speaker 1 (34:13):
Well, and we didn't even go home and have sex that

Speaker 2 (34:15):
Night. No, no, we didn't. Well, we

Speaker 1 (34:17):
Had a great dinner and drinks with 'em, had a great time getting to know him as friends, and it's like, yeah, we're going to probably see 'em again and we're going to have fun. But again, that was the case. That was the case where it literally wasn't them. And again, I tried to go above and beyond to, no, I'm seriously not bullshitting you. Yeah. It's literally not you. Yeah. Because especially from my perspective, that particular lady, she's totally my type, and so beautiful brunette teacher, kind of. It's that whole my thing. So another thing we put here is accepting. No, sometimes people go and to dinner beforehand, and maybe they ate something that messed with their stomach, and two and a half, three hours later, they're like, holy crap, what did I eat? Yeah, I'm not feeling this. Or maybe

Speaker 2 (35:14):
The anxiety took over and their stomach's upset because they're so nervous. And the anxiety, especially if they're new to the lifestyle. I know there was times that my stomach would be a knots the whole time. I hope nobody comes up to me, or I hope we don't do anything because my stomach said nuts.

Speaker 1 (35:32):
For whatever reason, they're just not ready right now. And no, right now doesn't mean it's a no later. It just means like, no, not right now. And it could be, again, for many reasons. Maybe it's their first time or they're very new to the lifestyle. Maybe one of the people is into you, but the other one isn't. Or maybe, let's say the lady doesn't like bald guys or guys with facial hair, or maybe she's only into, like you said, only into white guys or black guys, Hispanic guys, or maybe he's only into white women, or plus size women or petite women, or you know, have to make, if you're a couple, which is the main focus of this podcast is for couples who are new to the lifestyle, you have to make a four-way attraction, connection, the guy. Both guys have to be okay with each other. Both ladies have to be, but also both guys and both ladies, one guy and the other lady, the other lady, and the other guy, they all have to have this connection where it's good enough. And that can be complicated sometimes.

Speaker 2 (36:34):
Or we'll see a hot lady, and then the guy is totally

Speaker 1 (36:42):
So frustrating.

Speaker 2 (36:43):
Super. Not my type at all.

Speaker 1 (36:46):
Well, you'll see what she's really saying is you'll see a beautiful woman who takes care of herself and the guy you can tell, he just doesn't even fucking try.

Speaker 2 (36:54):
He doesn't care

Speaker 1 (36:56):
Or trying, and June's not going to take one for the team. Nope. So it's guys, please take care of yourselves as well as your lady does, because hey, we like to hang out with other couples. And if it's uneven in that way, it's like, man, we all could had a real good time. But the guy, he won't go to the gym, he won't run, you know, don't have to be a bodybuilder, but be somewhat healthy. You're quit eating shit all the time and don't drink beer every night. I mean, just somewhat take care of yourself. That just kind of ruins it for everybody. Like we said, stay clean, groom yourself, get a fucking haircut, brush your teeth, have mince on hand, wear deodorant, groom. Just little things like that. Try.

Speaker 2 (37:47):
Just

Speaker 1 (37:48):
Try. Some people are in life. Okay, we talked about that. Some people play every time, some people not. And again, maybe if you get told no, maybe they're into younger or older people, or maybe more introverted people or outgoing people. I know for me, I'm a deeper thinker philosophically in life. I'm a very deep thinker. And there's a lot of beautiful women. Some are deeper thinkers and some are not deeper thinkers. But when I meet a woman, I can have a conversation with all night who I'm attracted to, and she's a deeper thinker. Fuck, that is so awesome. Rather than a woman who just really doesn't think of a whole lot or just very surface level, or we just don't connect in that way, that's fine too. But man, when I connect with somebody who's a deeper thinker, and I can talk about the shit I like to talk about, and these are usually very educated women. It tends to be we played with women who are, gosh, in multiple states, teachers, superintendents of school districts, I mean women with multiple advanced people. These are women who they've studied a lot in their lives. And to me that's very attractive. And I can tell when I'm talking to one.

(39:09):
And so let's see, some people are more comical, some are more serious than laid back. And some people like one or the other more. It just depends. The whole solution here is this. If you get told no, don't take it personal. Just move on in the next couple, meet other

Speaker 2 (39:31):
People. Don't make it weird. Don't eyeball me the whole rest of fucking night because my girl wants to play. Well, your girl wants to play with my guy, but I was not ready to play with a guy yet, and he gives me the eyeball, go to hell look the whole rest of the evening. And I said it as nice as possible. So yeah,

Speaker 1 (39:49):
If you find the earlier first three, four episodes, there's one, I forgot what he called. It's like how not to be a single guy. So how not to be a total douche bag or something like

Speaker 2 (39:57):
That. It was something like that.

Speaker 1 (39:59):
If you go back to the first five or six episodes, you'll definitely see it and you go, oh, that's the episode. And we talk about that guy. Yeah.

(40:05):
Well, and the thing is, it's just because your lady wants to play with me doesn't mean my lady's going to want to play with you. And there is no obligation to that. Nope, there. Yeah, in that case, we hadn't even talked about it. But the thing is, everybody has their preferences and attractions for whatever reason, even we don't know why we're attracted to certain features. Sometimes it doesn't mean that they aren't good people or that you can't be really good friends with them or never play with 'em. Maybe you're just not what they like to play with or not this time. Or maybe it doesn't fit for you. And again, don't ever take one for the team is our advice.

Speaker 2 (40:42):
Fuck no.

Speaker 1 (40:43):
If you don't know what taking one for the team is. That's like if I was to say, Hey, June, I really want to play with the hot lady. I know you do too, but that means you're also going to need to play with a guy. Nope. Who you might not be attracted to. I'm not going to ask you to do that. That's pretty shitty. And I mean, to me it's pretty shitty. I would never do that.

Speaker 2 (41:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (41:02):
So, all right, moving on to the final round in the episode, saying no. So let's talk about saying no. If somebody wants to play with you and just you don't want to be mean, but you want to say no. The whole preface of this right now, the whole big idea is this. You always have a right to say no and have that wish respected.

Speaker 2 (41:32):
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (41:35):
Now, this can also depend on your setting where you are or the situation based on the approach that you take. So what do we do in the club? Sometimes in a club, someone's like, Hey, you guys want to go to a room or play, and we don't really want to, what's something sometimes we would say,

Speaker 2 (41:54):
We'll say, oh, hey, I need to run to the restroom, or We're actually going to go on the dance floor and dance for a little bit right now. Or, Hey, we're going to actually going to go grab some drinks. Those are kind of few things that we would say if we were like, no, not really. I'm not feeling the vibe with that person.

Speaker 1 (42:15):
So there's a lot you can say if you're in a club setting, if you're on a date with another couple, you're in a restaurant or a bar or something and you're on a date to get to know him, to see if you feel comfortable, you might just say, well, if they ask you to go and play, just be like, well, we actually have a policy where we like to get to know people first on a personal level. And we don't generally play on the first date. We like to go back and talk about it, see how we feel, and then decide if we'd like to meet up again for more. Now you can say that as a way of saying no. Now you might meet other people after having said that you really connected with and you did play. So it's like, well, you weren't lying.

(43:02):
But at the same time, maybe, you know, just weren't sure yet about these particular people or whatever the case. And we generally, to preface this with people when we remember to before we go out with them as a meet and greet initially, just so it's not in case they have an expectation, it's like if we can buffer it with, hey, we may or may not be interested in doing that. So just be open to that just so it's on the table because maybe somebody's new and they don't know any better and they're like, Hey, we're going out with these John and June people, and it'll probably definitely do something. And that does happen frequently, but also, well, maybe not because everyone has to feel it. And that's most important. So I know this is something that you've said before, this one here.

Speaker 2 (43:54):
Oh yeah, yeah. I've said something to the effect of, thank you so much. Oh my gosh. But I'm so flattered, but I'm not right now. And I'm smiling the whole time. I'm being as polite as I can just because they've paid you a huge compliment. They've paid. Yeah, they've paid me a huge compliment saying that they want to play with me, so I want to let 'em down as easy as possible,

Speaker 1 (44:17):
But Well, because they just took a huge risk of rejection for merely asking you. And that's a really scary thing, like we said, for most people. So yeah, if you just say, thank you so much, I'm so flattered, but not right now. And if you're not obligated to give any more of a reason than that, so just get used to having your personal integrity and being comfortable with saying no because you don't want to. And knowing that's good enough. I know a lot,

Speaker 2 (44:50):
I've had to work on that.

Speaker 1 (44:51):
Well, you were raised to be a people pleaser and that other people being pleased is more important than you. And that's bullshit. And it is

Speaker 2 (45:00):
Bullshit, but it's still something I'm, that I'm still working on myself personally, still working on. No, I'm not going to do it just because am I going to do it? I want to do it because I truly want to do it, not because I'm trying to please somebody or make somebody else happy

Speaker 1 (45:17):
At your own expense. And then you feel like shit afterwards. Why did I just validate my own personal integrity to make sure this stranger, this person, I don't even know isn't disappointed?

Speaker 2 (45:27):
Well, yeah, I gotten eaten out a couple times by girls, which is really hot, but yes it is. I don't like fingers up there, but I didn't say anything, so they didn't know till after the fact. And I was like, why didn't I just tell them? I don't want fingers up there. I just want you to focus on my cl. But that's one example of that is I just didn't speak up and say anything and I should have.

Speaker 1 (45:49):
Well, and we do have some friends who that was the case when you initially played with them, the ladies, and then later they found out and they were like mortified. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And it's like, no, get you, you didn't say anything,

Speaker 2 (46:04):
So it's my fault I didn't say anything.

Speaker 1 (46:06):
And the thing is, people bring to the table what they like, and a lot of women love fingers up there while they're getting you out. So it was kind of no people. And if you don't say anything Yeah. About what you like, you can't expect people to read your mind. Exactly. I know men tell this to women all the time, ladies, we can't read your mind. It's like, no, we can't. So when it comes to this saying no or whatever, or accepting, no, nobody can read your mind, be clear, be polite, and just, yeah, you have the right to say no to anybody. And the hope these ideas were helpful, and not only that, but when you have to accept a no, just remember what we said here. It could be a million reasons that are not you.

Speaker 2 (46:52):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:55):
Whoa. What are you doing? Oh, there we go. June is so essential. You're the best wife in the world.

Speaker 2 (47:06):
You're welcome.

Speaker 1 (47:09):
I love my life.