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Find Hope Here with Teresa Whiting - Christian Women (Bible Study, Faith, Sexuality, Freedom from Shame)
Find Hope Here is a podcast about holding the messy, complicated, painful parts of life alongside the beautiful, joy-filled hope that Jesus promises. Join Teresa Whiting each week as she digs deep into God’s Word and shares truths that impact our everyday lives. Listen in as you're walking, running errands, or folding laundry. No matter where you are or where you’ve been, you will always find hope here! To learn more visit: https://teresawhiting.com/listen
Find Hope Here with Teresa Whiting - Christian Women (Bible Study, Faith, Sexuality, Freedom from Shame)
Her Freedom Journey with Dr Juli Slattery - Part 2 (SEXUAL WHOLENESS SERIES)
Breaking free from pornography addiction is not an overnight process but a journey—one that requires understanding, support, and a deep commitment to healing. This is Part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Juli Slattery (if you haven't heard Part 1, you can find it here). Today we explore the complex nature of sexual brokenness and the path toward wholeness that's available to everyone, regardless of their past or present struggles.
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You know I've come to the conclusion we all have sexual brokenness. You know, like even the good Christian girl that didn't technically break the rules, we all have brokenness around our bodies, around shame, around just having a healthy understanding of what God designed sexuality for. I know in this ministry I've discovered a lot of my brokenness that I wouldn't have called brokenness in the past. But we all need to go through this for ourselves, as well as being prepared to help our kids.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to my interview with Dr Julie Slattery. Today we are continuing the conversation that we started last week, and if you haven't heard that yet, you will want to go back and listen, because we talked about the problem of pornography, where it gets its roots from and how it entrenches itself into our lives. Today we talk about really practical ways to live in freedom and not shame, and we even talk to parents about how to help their kids navigate this tricky subject. Hi, friend, you're listening to Find Hope here. I'm your host, teresa Whiting. Author, speaker, ministry leader, friend and fellow struggler.
Speaker 2:This is a podcast about the messy, complicated, painful parts of life, but also the beautiful, joy-filled hope that Jesus promises. Each week we dig deep into God's Word together and talk about how His truth impacts our everyday lives. I'm not going to ask you to sit with me and have coffee, because I seem to have my best conversations while I'm just doing life, so I'd love to hang out with you as you walk or fold laundry or drive to work. You're invited to join me in pursuing the hope God promises, no matter where you are or where you've been. I pray you always find hope here.
Speaker 2:Let's jump in to today's episode here. Let's jump in to today's episode. One of the things you talk about is fleeing temptation in advance. So, like, let's start talking about some practical things that people can do, because I know there's listeners that are struggling with porn and they want to break free, and there are really practical things. I mean, there's a whole host. It's getting to the root, it's dealing with some of that brokenness that's underlying. But there's also some really like how do you flee temptation when it's there, or how do you even do that in advance?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean this kind of goes a little bit to where Jesus said you know, if your eye is causing you to sin, poke it out. And most people would agree. He's not really saying poke your eye out, but sometimes it's like we, because we're like, oh, he's using hyperbole, we don't take it seriously. What he's saying is if there's anything that is causing you to be tempted to leading you to sin, ruthlessly eliminate it. And Joy shares a story in the book that has always greatly impacted me.
Speaker 1:She was struggling with pornography, became a Christian kind of, kept her struggle a secret because she didn't think anyone would understand. She heard another woman speak about it at, I think, a college event and she was like okay, I'm not alone. She went up to that woman essentially said I have a struggle, will you help me? And that woman began to disciple her. And so Joy realized in the midst of that discipleship journey that she still was really struggling with pornography and she was frustrated that it wasn't going away. And so she decided she lived in a house with a number of other women, she was in college and she decided that she couldn't handle privacy couldn't handle privacy.
Speaker 1:And so she took the doorknob off of her bedroom and essentially said I don't, I don't trust myself to have time behind closed doors where there's no accountability. I can't, I'm not at the place where I'm going to do that, that well. And so her roommates were like why are you doing this?
Speaker 1:And then she was able to share which was great, just encouraged them and led to vulnerability on their part.
Speaker 1:But I just think that's such a beautiful example of looking at our lives and saying, like there's freedoms in Christ that I have, that I'm not going to steward well, because of the struggle I have. And there's things in my own life where I struggle with sin patterns and I'm like, okay, that might be fine for you to go to that, but I'm not going to go to that. I feel like the Lord is saying I can't go to that because I don't want to put myself in that position to be overwhelmed by temptation, in that position to be overwhelmed by temptation. And so you know, I know I've known women who have, like, turned in their their phones and said I just need a dumb phone that doesn't have access to the internet. You know, I need something like covenant eyes with full accountability, where my my ally can see everything I'm looking at. Those are bold, courageous and sometimes very necessary steps to say I am not in the place where I can handle freedom in this area.
Speaker 1:And so, because I love the Lord and because I'm so determined not to be enslaved by this, I'm willing to take a step that might feel embarrassing, might feel limiting for me, but, like Jesus said, what do you gain if you have the whole world but you lose your soul? What do I really gain if I have this really great phone but it's a gateway that keeps pulling me into sin and shame?
Speaker 2:Hmm, that's so good, that's so good. What about? You know you're talking about steps and this is a journey. You know the book is called Her Freedom Journey because, as you mentioned at the beginning, it's very rare for someone to come into. You know, they come into this moment and they never struggle again. So, what do you mean by it's a journey? What does that really kind of look like?
Speaker 1:Yeah, like Teresa, even as I mentioned, like your brain has been impacted by exposure to pornography, and the great thing is that our brains are plastic. In other words, you can create new neural pathways. You can let old neural pathways kind of get grown over, kind of like a path that you walk on every day. If you stop walking on that path, the grass is going to eventually grow in, and so it's giving yourself the grace to know that. It's going to be a journey. It's going to be a struggle and for most people it's a stumbling journey. It's like, okay, I've had victory for a while and then something stressful happened in my life and I fell back into it. But the first thing I did when I fell back into it was I reached out to a friend, I confessed, I asked for help. So it's a journey, as we've talked about of not just the behavior.
Speaker 1:But when did I start using pornography? What was going on in my life? Like for Joy, one of the things that really propelled her into pornography was she was date, raped and didn't have anybody to talk to about it, and so, in dealing with that trauma and some of the things that were awakened to her, she turned to pornography. So part of her journey of getting free from pornography was I need to get healing for the traumatic sexual experience I had and what lies did the enemy plant in my heart when that happened? So that's a journey of sometimes working with a counselor. It's a journey of understanding and learning what is God's design for sexuality and what are the messages that I've sort of swallowed whole and absorbed from our culture that caused me to think about my sexuality in an unhealthy way.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think it's so easy for us to just, even subconsciously, adopt the messages of the world.
Speaker 2:I mean, you're listening to music, you're watching TV and movies and all the things, and you just slowly start to believe the world's view of things and you don't even realize like, oh, this is not God's view, this is not a biblical perspective of sexuality or of whatever area of life. One of the things you mentioned was creating those new neural pathways, and I think they call that neuroplasticity, right when you're able to create new pathways in your brain. And I remember the first time I came across that concept, which was relatively recently I'm not a psychologist, but I love to read these kind of books and study brain health and all this stuff and I remember the first time I came across that concept of neuroplasticity and I was like, oh, this is Romans 12.1, like be transformed by renewing of your mind. This is what God said thousands of years ago. And now science is saying, yeah, you can do it. I love when that happens. I love when science comes up with something and you're like, oh, yeah, and God already told us that.
Speaker 1:But now it's like you can see it.
Speaker 2:You can see it under a microscope, like it happens, and it's so cool, it's fun are struggling with porn. What is it that a parent can do? Because that is a heartbreaking thing, because you're watching your child and you know this is going to cause devastation in their life. How does a parent step in? When does a parent step in? At what age is it like, yeah, it's appropriate for you to step in? I mean lots of questions.
Speaker 2:So, talk a little bit about that from from the perspective of what can a parent do to help a daughter?
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, I think we are in a day and age where we have to start talking to both our sons and daughters about sexuality, like at ages that feel way too young for us and may feel way too young for them, but the reality of it is they're already getting messages about how to think about their bodies, how to think about their sexuality at, you know, preschool levels. Now sometimes, and certainly once they go to school, if they have any form of devices is normalizing conversations about sexuality and sex in your bodies, in your home? So the framework that we used and that we were taught growing up was you really don't talk much about sex.
Speaker 1:It's sort of like this private topic and then once your kids hit like 11 or 12 years old, you take them away for this like huge conversation about their period and sex, and and then it's like now they're, now they're supposed to be wise to everything, and you kind of say to them like hey, and if you have any other questions over the next 10 years, please feel free to come to me.
Speaker 1:Guilty as charged, julie. That's what we all did. I mean, that's the model that we learned, and we're now understanding that, first of all, that model probably was never the healthiest model, but in today's day and age it certainly isn't going to be sufficient. And so, you know, some of what we've developed at Authentic Intimacy is more of a model that we call sexual discipleship instead of sex education. So what I just described to you is more of an educational model.
Speaker 1:Discipleship is, you know, like we're going to talk about this all the time, like it's just, yes, there's going to be some planned teaching times.
Speaker 1:There are going to be those weekends you go away with your daughter and tackle some things, but that is certainly not going to be her first exposure to us talking about sex.
Speaker 1:And in that, I would say, around the ages of eight to nine, every kid you got to talk to your sons and your daughters about what pornography is, the fact that they're they're going to see it, and and when they see it, you know like it's going to be like I want you to tell me like this is a safe place, there's nothing that you're going to be in trouble for.
Speaker 1:You know, like I always want to be a safe place for you to ask questions and to let me know and, and so setting that expectation being very vigilant about devices. It's hard, I know. As a parent of three sons, I felt like I was in this, this boat that had all these holes and I kept trying to plug up all the holes and then there'd be a new one. Like, kids are so much smarter about technology than we are, so you know, being educated about some of that, like once you get your kids devices, having it very clear that this is, you know, a privilege. It's just like when you give them car keys, you give them training on how to use them. There's oversight, you know, I think having devices when you have young teens that are mirrored by the parent, like I can see every message you know, like.
Speaker 1:Well this I mean don't give your kids privacy in these areas. Yes, give them privacy in terms of their bodies, teach them modesty, but adults can't handle that.
Speaker 1:And kids can't handle social media. I mean, we're finding more and more that even their brain development, that they're not ready for the challenges that come with a lot of the things that have been normalized in our day and age. And if and when your, your daughter, starts to struggle with some of these things, you know, look at it as a discipleship opportunity, not as a pass fail test. And I think a lot of parents, including me, when my kids struggled with different things, the first thing I went to is how did I fail them? And you know, like even I teach this, you know I should have done better. And then we put that on them that it's a pass fail test.
Speaker 1:It's really not it's. You know, every day we have to be reminded of our dependency on Christ and the beauty of his grace for us, and seeking Him, and so approach it with that kind of framework.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh, man, you just said so many beautiful things and I was, you know, voraciously taking notes over here. I was like, oh my goodness, I love what you said about the model. You know the model that we did. You know the good that we, that we did. You know the the good Christian parent. You take your kid away on the weekend and you do the thing, and, and I would say that it's better than what my parents did, which was you don't even say the word, you, you spell S, e, x, like you don't even say the word ever.
Speaker 2:And so everything I learned was through experimentation and investigation, and peers and movies didn't ever have a conversation. So we were like we're going to do this right, we're going to talk to our kids once. But this idea of I love that you called it discipleship, like let's make this a normal conversation and not something that's scary and we have to have a big production every time we talk about it. But normalizing the conversation is so good. And then you know devices and media. I mean that's a whole, nother episode.
Speaker 2:I feel like we could talk about a lot what this world has done to our children and what they've tried to normalize. And there's one other thing that I think is really important, and that's that if you have sexual brokenness in your own life, to get help. Because I think for me you know I have stuff in my past that if my kids have struggled, I'm almost in like a freeze response of like I don't even know what to do with this, I don't know how to help you because I haven't healed those places in my own life. And so I think for the parent who is still struggling and it's not like you have to get to this oh, I've arrived, you know I'm perfect now, but you have to get to a place of healing where you can then help somebody like your child I think that's a really important thing to point out.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad you said that that is really key, because you can't pass something on that you don't have. And if we haven't been discipled in our sexuality, we can give our kids a book, but we can't walk with them and I'm finding this to be true not just with parents, but also with Christian leaders Like, a lot of them feel paralyzed in having these conversations in the church because they're like, well, I don't know where to go with my questions and I've got shame and I've got struggles. So that's really a passion of mine is, you know, how do we get everybody on a journey of discipleship? And you said, if you have brokenness, you know.
Speaker 1:I've come to the conclusion. We all have sexual brokenness, you know, like even the good Christian girl that didn't technically break the rules. We all have brokenness around our bodies, around shame, around just having a healthy understanding of what God designed sexuality for. I know in this ministry I've discovered a lot of my brokenness that I wouldn't have called brokenness in the past. But we all need to go through this for ourselves as well as being prepared to help our kids.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and that is really what your ministry is all about. I'd love it if you could just talk to the listeners about what do you offer at Authentic Intimacy, like what are the tools that you give to equip people, because there's so many things that your ministry does. So let's talk about, like, what do you guys do, and then how people can connect and I will have links to all the things in the show notes, but just talk about it a little bit.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah. Well, we do have a discipleship model. So we have a podcast every week called Job with Julie. That we've been doing for 11 years.
Speaker 1:So I feel like I've had almost every conversation you can have, wow, yeah, so we've got that archive available to blogs Q&A videos where you can just go to our website and put in a topic and it brings up content on that topic. And then another piece that I love that we have in our ministry is called online book studies, because there are women listening right now who are like you're right, I've got questions about sex and marriage or I've got trauma from my past, right, and I have nowhere to talk about this stuff.
Speaker 1:I can go see a counselor, but I feel very alone in my struggle, and so our online book studies are virtual groups. There's groups for women, there's groups for men and there's groups for couples that go through books like God, sex and your Marriage, her Freedom Journey we have a number of books like that, and it's with a trained leader, the groups are capped at 12 people, so it really is a small group format for you to meet with people who are there for help and healing who you're not going to run to the grocery store with them, because they live from all over the world.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. For them to learn how to disciple in sexuality. So we have, like e-courses and I do, office hours for those folks once a month where they can just hop on and ask ministry questions or things that they're wrestling through, and groups for leaders to grow together.
Speaker 2:So there's a lot. This is a very comprehensive ministry. If you are not familiar with Authentic Intimacy or with the Java with Julie podcast, like you have to go. You have to get on the show notes and click the links and connect, because this ministry is so. It's just you're doing such beautiful, important work that's not going on in a lot of other spaces. So I really appreciate that, julie, and I appreciate you taking the time to talk with us and I would love if you would just in closing. I know, I know that there are listeners that are struggling with porn, with addiction, with you know, feeling like I don't know, I don't know if I can ever break free from this, and so would you just, in closing, address that listener.
Speaker 1:Yeah for sure.
Speaker 1:You know, one thing that I've come to learn over these years of ministry in this space is that the real issue is a spiritual issue.
Speaker 1:So Satan will use porn, he'll use shame, he'll use betrayal. You know like he uses all these things not just to get you trapped in a sin, but to keep you separated from God, and so the heart of what we do, and why we do what we do, is because Paul says that we want to tear down strongholds that keep people from the knowledge of God, and so I'm going to encourage you to step out and get help, whether it's through authentic intimacy or someone else, not just because you need to be free from porn, but because the enemy is using this to keep you from intimacy with God, and, at the end of the day, that's what this is all about. It's about feeling like you have to have compartments of your life that God can't enter, and so we just want to tear down everything that keeps you from knowing the love of Christ, because that's what life is about, that's what eternity is about is being in His presence and knowing that there's nothing that can separate us from His love.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes. Thank you so much for being here, julie.
Speaker 1:Well, thanks so much for your kind words. I praise God for the work that he's doing and for people like you who can partner with us in what he's called us to do.
Speaker 2:Well, that wraps up an episode with one of my dream guests. I know that this episode gave you so much hope. It gave you tools, it gave you confidence to walk forward in wholeness, in your sexuality, or even hopefully. What I pray is that it gave you the opportunity to know that you are not alone in your struggle, that this is a common thing, and so if you are a woman who struggles with this, please, please, reach out. Reach out to Authentic Intimacy. Listen to Java with Julie. Contact me. If you haven't ordered a copy of Graced yet, do that today. That would be one perfect next step on this journey. In closing, I want to leave you with this prayer from Romans 15 13. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope.