124. How to Choose Peace During the Holidays

Today we're talking about something so many of us need during the holidays: permission to let go of perfection and choose peace instead. I walk you through the hidden pressures that turn this season into an emotional marathon, the “should” thinking that steals our joy, and why judgment makes stress so much heavier. Then I share three simple steps to help you create a peaceful, meaningful holiday—asking what matters most, building in real rest, and practicing gentle, guilt-free boundaries. If you’re craving more presence, more connection, and a calmer season for yourself and your family, this episode will help you reset your expectations and protect what truly matters.

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Transcript

As moms, we carry so much of the load to make the holidays feel special. Sometimes that means we chase perfect at the cost of our own peace. In today's episode, I'll show you how to shift out of the shoulds and into a season that feels more calm, grounded, and meaningful. This is Leadership Parenting: How to Choose Peace During the Holidays.

Did you know that resilience is the key to confidence and joy? As moms, it's what we want for our kids, but it's also what we need for ourselves. My name is Leigh Germann. I'm a therapist and I'm a mom. Join me as we explore the skills you need to know to be confident and joyful. Then get ready to teach these skills to your kids. This is Leadership Parenting, where you learn how to lead your family by showing them the way.

So I was on Instagram and I saw, as I was scrolling through it, one of those beautiful, beautiful holiday photos. You know the kind where everything looked perfect. The tree was perfect. Um, they had cookies that looked like they belong in a magazine. Every single person was smiling and happy. The decorations were just like perfection.

And my first thought was, oh, that's what I want my holidays to look like. And then my second thought was, wait, do I really?

Because here's what that picture—I know it doesn't show. It doesn't show the three hours it took to get that photo just right. The meltdown that happened right after with all the kids that were smiling and looked perfect, the exhaustion behind those smiles, or the fact that maybe they hadn't enjoyed a single minute of their actual holiday because they'd been so busy getting the house ready and decorating, trying to make it look perfect.

Now, I don't mean to ruin anybody's efforts to have a gorgeous looking home and a gorgeous experience for the holidays. There's nothing wrong with us wanting to have things be beautiful and memorable. But as I looked at all of that, I had an immediate check against where I was, what the reality was with what my decorations looked like and what my family looks like when they're all here and they're darling and delightful.

But nobody sits quietly and sips hot chocolate in perfect clothing. And I've tried that before and it just doesn't work.

So as I noticed how beautiful that was and I felt a little longing for it, I was almost immediately interrupted by my reality meter. And it said to me, hold up, is this realistic?

So today I thought I need to talk about this because I think we all need permission to embrace choosing peace over perfection. Because what if this year, instead of chasing the perfect holiday, instead we opted to create a more peaceful one? And what if that turned out to actually be even better?

So here's what I see happening with so many of us. We have this picture in our minds. Sometimes we see it on Instagram, or we're at somebody else's house, or it was in a movie we saw once. We see in our mind's eye what the holiday should look like. And then the shoulds show up.

I should be able to handle all of this.
I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed.
I should be able to get my home to look like this.
I should be able to do it like other people do it.

And then it goes a little bit deeper. I shouldn't feel dissatisfied. I should feel more grateful.

I mean, the shoulds get us coming and the shoulds get us going. Can you hear all of the pressure?

Every time we tell ourselves we should or we shouldn't feel something, we actually cut off our ability to change things. When you say, “I shouldn't be so stressed,” you're not able to calm yourself because you're judging yourself. So now you're stressed and ashamed of being stressed.

Your stress isn't wrong. Of course you're feeling these things. You're trying to create magic for everyone you love while holding a hundred moving pieces in your hands at once.

But I think we fall into the trap. We think if we just try harder, we do more, we fix more, we make it more perfect, then everyone will be happy. And when I say everyone, I kind of wonder sometimes if what we're really talking about is just us.

Then we'll feel the holiday magic. Then it will all be worth it.

Except, yeah, that never works.

You can't control how other people feel—not your kids, not your spouse, not your extended family. That's exhausting. And we often can't control what we're going to feel, especially when it's based upon perfect.

So what if we stop chasing perfect and started choosing peaceful?

Now, I don't know if I ever use the word perfect because I am already alerted to that, that I'm not supposed to be perfect. And I teach people not to be perfect. But you guys, it's sneaky, right?

So you might have that phrase in your head, “It has to be perfect.” Then I'm talking directly to you. But you also might not have that phrase in your head. It might be a backdoor that your perfection comes in. It might be a set of expectations that you carry that you're so committed to, that has an idea in your mind that you're so strongly wanting to have come to life.

And here's where I think we do hot—because aren't we supposed to have expectations? Aren't we supposed to have beautiful dreams and ideas? Yes, for sure. That's actually the joy of life.

So the sneaky part of it is when what we're experiencing in our life is not matching those expectations. I'm not even worried about us having those expectations. It's letting them be flexible when we're in a situation where reality is telling us our four-year-old is not going to sit quietly on the couch perfectly dressed. It's just not gonna happen.

One of my favorite Christmas cards that we have is a photo that we took of us all just being crazy. I actually had that picture blown up and put on my wall because it showed not the perfect coiffed and posed family photos that I love to send out. It showed each unique personality being a little bit wacky and wild.

Out of all the Christmas cards that I've sent out over the years, that's the one that I put up on my wall. I think it's kind of my tribute to reality. And I love it.

I love those crazy wacky kids. I love the messiness, and they're grown now. So the irritation of the messiness is gone. But my heart squeezes every time I look at that picture because that was the reality of our family. And that's the reality of our lives.

For me, that's a little bit of a way that I can get to peace faster than I used to be able to get to peace.

So pay attention to where your stress level comes, and you'll probably find that you're holding an expectation and it's not getting met. And your stress level is rising when that happens.

And oftentimes we'll push harder to meet the expectation, thinking that's going to relieve our stress. Sometimes it does. Sometimes our expectation is actually what we need to have happen. But most of the time, I think our reality can be honored and our peace can be protected when we adapt our expectation to be a little bit closer to where our reality is.

So I want to start looking at those shoulds. Before we go into the actual practical steps, here's a little tool that will make everything else easier.

I think the next time that you catch yourself in a should—“I should send Christmas cards,” or “they should look a certain way,” or “I shouldn't be irritated,” or “I should even be enjoying this more”—I want you to pause and replace it with, “Isn't that interesting?”

Isn't that interesting I feel guilty saying no.
Isn't that interesting—why?
I'm trying to control how my kids react. Isn't that interesting? What am I afraid of?
I think people will judge my undecorated house. Isn't that interesting? Where did that come from?

No, we don't say those things that way. Instead, we say: I should say yes. I feel guilty saying no. My kids should be a certain way. I'm trying to control how they react. I should decorate my house. Will people judge my undecorated house?

So we are looking beneath the shoulds. And I'm asking you to just say, “Isn't that interesting?”

Shift from judgment to curiosity. Curiosity is the key that opens the door to understanding, and judgment just like slams it shut.

So sometimes when we're caught in that high expectation and all those shoulds, we're thinking that perfection is going to prove that we're a good mom, or that we're doing things the way that we're supposed to be doing things, and that we're not going to let people down.

But I want you to remember that these are just thoughts. And thoughts can be observed and they can be questioned. And that's why I want you to start with, “Isn't this interesting?”

Okay, let's talk about three simple steps to help you get to peace over perfection—or over those shoulds.

Step number one: I want you to go into this holiday season asking yourself, why am I celebrating this holiday?

Now, I don't know about you, but I go into a holiday season saying, “What do I need to do? What do I have to get done?” And what I'm asking you to do is kind of go to the why question.

Why am I celebrating?

Your why might be that you want to feel connected. It might be that you want to create space for something kind of magical or kind of full of wonder. It might be that you want to honor the spiritual meaning of the season or keep a tradition alive that you feel is very bonding to your family.

I invite you to write it down and put it where you'll see it. And then ask yourself, does what I'm going to do or what is on my to-do list serve my why?

Does addressing a hundred Christmas cards serve my why?

Well, I just got my Christmas cards in the mail. I'm early this year, which I'm normally not. I got my Christmas cards in the mail and I already put them in the envelopes and I'm getting ready to address them. And I asked myself, does doing these Christmas cards serve my why?

And for me, the answer is yes. Since we've moved a lot, this is one of the things that's important to me—to be able to stay connected to the people that I want to stay connected to. So I felt peaceful about spending my time doing that.

Okay, here's the next one. Let me dial that down a little bit.

As I was looking at my Christmas cards, I was thinking I would really like to hand address them. But it would be a lot easier if I just printed them out on those address labels and then put the address label on the card.

Does staying up until midnight two or three nights in a row—because that's probably what it would be for us—hand addressing my Christmas cards serve my why?

The answer to that question is no.

In a perfect world, and when I get that perfect Christmas card in the mail that is beautifully addressed, I think, “Oh, I should do that to my Christmas cards.” I love how this looks, and there's my expectation.

But for me, sending the Christmas cards out fills my why. Hand addressing them does not.

Now for you, it might be totally different. There isn't a right answer except your right answer. I want you to ask those questions and give yourself room to really see how it feels inside—see what fits for you.

Just because you do it every year doesn't mean you need to do it again this year. Make sure it matches your why.

When you're clear, saying no to what doesn't serve becomes so much easier. And then you don't feel like you're being a Grinch. You're actually protecting your peace.

So try doing this also with your family. Ask them, how do we want to feel this holiday season? Start there and let everything else follow.

This is what we might call a values-based decision-making strategy. And it leads to peace instead of overwhelm.

Okay, step number two: build in balance time.

And I think this is non-negotiable. You can't run full speed for six or eight weeks and expect to feel peaceful. It's too much. And we put holidays on top of all the other stuff we're doing, right?

So look at your calendar and find places that you can protect your recovery time, your downtime, the things that are most important to you. One evening a week with nothing scheduled. A recovery day after travel. A morning to sleep in. An afternoon for hot chocolate and a movie—whatever feels like real rest to you.

When you're rested, you have a deeper ability to adjust to things that are going on around you. Your mood is going to be more stable. You're going to feel more flexible in how you respond to people. And your capacity for joy is going to just be bigger.

And when you're depleted, everything feels harder and louder and heavier.

So if you do this exercise, it is not selfishness—it’s actually wisdom. You can't create peace from depletion. Depletion puts you in fight or flight mode. So we want to make sure you don't get depleted.

Step number three: practice the peaceful no.

I have that in quotes.

Some of you might have tensed up already. “I can't say no to…” and then you have a list, right? And I'm going to tell you—yes, you can.

Every yes to something that drains you or doesn't fulfill your why means it's a no to something that nourishes you or does fulfill your why. These are hard decisions to make, but they're so vital to feeling peaceful.

So you could try saying, “Thank you for thinking of us, but we already have plans.” Or, “Oh, I'm not able to do that this year, but I hope it's wonderful.”

Do you hear that? There's a little bit of connection, a little bit of warmth, and then a firm boundary. Those are nice ways to say no.

No apologizing. You're not doing anything wrong. You're honoring what matters to you.

And some people might be disappointed. And you can care about their feelings without being responsible for their feelings.

Here's what I want you to know. This is just one holiday season. This is not your only chance to make memories or show love or to get it right. It's just one year.

You can keep some traditions, let some go that aren't serving you, try something new. If something doesn't work—great. You can adjust it next year.

Last year, my precious Christmas cards did not happen. I didn't get them ordered in time. We had everyone here coming for Christmas. I was the first one to get the stomach flu, by the way. All of the rest of us got it over the Christmas season. So it was an omen that I didn't know was coming.

But during the period of time where we would have addressed and sent out Christmas cards, I was sick. Then my husband got sick. And then we were getting things ready at the last minute to house our big, fun, wild family.

We looked at each other and said, “No Christmas cards this year.”

I had a little pang of sadness, but I needed to choose peace. And I'm so glad that I did. Because being with family—even amidst passing around the stomach flu—being with family was far more important to me. And being peaceful helped me enjoy it more.

And now this year, I have the bandwidth and the time to send the cards.

Flexibility is our friend.

If your tree isn't exactly perfect, or your cookies burn and you throw the whole mess in the garbage, or your kids fight during your Christmas photos, or you forget the cinnamon rolls—you haven't failed.

The goal is not perfection. The goal is that you're present and that you're allowed to have peace.

You get to choose the things that you're working for this holiday season. That is your why.

And honestly, some of the most magical moments happen when things go sideways. We have some pretty funny stories about all our time together when we were sick.

Your family does not need perfection. And thank heavens, because it's not achievable. They need you. They need a mom who feels peaceful.

So this year, give yourself permission to let go of those expectations. Modify them so that they are achievable. Aim for peace. Say no without guilt. Rest a little without apology. And give yourself permission to enjoy what is around you.

And know that I'm cheering you on and doing the exact same thing at my house.

I'll talk to you next time. Take care.

You can always find me on Instagram at @leighgermann or on my website at leighgermann.com.

The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualified mental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, illness, or disease. It's also not intended to be legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances.

Thanks again and take care.