126. What to Do the Night Before Anything Important

In this episode, I share a gentle message for the night before anything important—a wedding, a holiday, a celebration, or any meaningful day we’ve worked so hard to create. I walk you through how our nervous system reacts before big moments, why things feel so intense, and how anchoring yourself in the deeper meaning shifts everything. I share the story of my daughter’s wedding crisis, the science of cognitive appraisal and positive emotion, and simple practices to help you enjoy tomorrow with presence, calm, and connection.

If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:

 https://leighgermann.com

Transcript

Today's episode is for every mom getting ready for a big day, the moment that you've been working toward and pouring your heart into. Whether it's Christmas, a birthday, a wedding, or any big day ahead, this is your permission to stop, breathe, and trust that you've already done enough. This is Leadership Parenting, a message for the night before anything important.

Did you know that resilience is the key to confidence and joy? As moms, it's what we want for our kids, but it's also what we need for ourselves. My name is Leigh Germann. I'm a therapist and I'm a mom. Join me as we explore the skills you need to know to be confident and joyful. Then get ready to teach these skills to your kids. This is Leadership Parenting, where you learn how to lead your family by showing them the way.

The night before, or even a couple of days before anything really big. Well, this episode drops the day before Christmas. So you might even be up late right now, putting final touches on things, wrapping gifts, prepping food, going over your mental list one more time, making everything come together for the people you love.

But this isn't just about Christmas. Whether you celebrate that holiday or not, I bet you there is something in your life that you have worked very hard to create some magic around. Today's episode is really for the night before any big moment. A wedding, a graduation, a trip you've been planning, a celebration you've been preparing for, or even something maybe a little smaller, but still very meaningful, like having friends over or creating a special day for your kids that you wanted to be memorable.

Here's what I know about you as moms. We carry so much of the invisible work that makes moments meaningful. The planning, the coordinating, the thinking ahead, remembering all the details. And then we get there, right—the night before.

And this is when our mind tends to go into overdrive. Have you noticed that? Did I forget something? What if it doesn't turn out the way I pictured? What if I didn't do enough? Should I still be doing something even right now?

If this is you this week, you are not alone. That's just your brain doing what human brains do when we care deeply about something.

And here's what I've learned. On days like this, your nervous system is in protection mode. It gets activated by pressure, uncertainty, high expectations, feeling responsible for everyone. Before important moments, your system naturally becomes more alert, and small details can feel much bigger than they actually are. And sometimes your brain knows that something could go wrong.

Let me tell you what happened at my daughter's wedding a couple of years ago.

We had everything planned and ready. The venue, the timeline, all of it. We had done the work. We were very prepared. And then a couple of days before the wedding, during our final walkthrough, the planner literally—while we were there—got a call from the city and their business license was being delayed. They weren't allowed to host events that weekend. If they went forward with our wedding, they could literally lose their business.

And I remember her face as she came and told us. She had excused herself to go answer this phone call, and she came back just in tears, apologetic, overwhelmed about her brand new business, and devastated for us.

And I want to be clear, this was not anyone's fault. She had to tell us that we couldn't have our wedding at her venue that weekend. And she was absolutely doing her best. It was just one of those unpredictable, completely out-of-or-control situations—and out of her control as well.

And all of that went through my head as she was talking, right? Like I felt outraged and I felt like I needed to kind of figure out whose fault this was. And it really is true that it wasn't anyone's fault.

And I could kind of feel myself going into shock, that tunnel vision feeling where people are talking around you, but your brain can't quite process what they're saying.

And I looked over and my daughter's face—she was stunned.

And my nervous system immediately went to, oh my gosh, I have to fix this. This is my job. I have to solve this right now.

And it really was my job. And I was in charge of all the planning. And I felt like all the things that we tend to worry about as we prepare for things, and we get to the day before, the weekend before, and we're like, I've got all these worries—well, that's kind of what was happening.

And the reason why I share this is because a lot of times we have anxieties about really hard things happening, worst-case scenarios, and they never happen, right? And we go through all this suffering and all this pain, anticipating a really bad thing happening, and then everything goes fine, and we get through it and we look back and we kind of laugh. We're like, oh my gosh, I wasted a lot of energy and time worrying about that.

Hopefully that's the situation.

Well, what makes all that worrying ahead of time, all that anxiety, is imagining that if the worst thing happened, we wouldn't be able to handle it.

This is why I'm sharing this with you—because the worst thing happened, and we had to handle it.

And I was in charge of that, at least in that moment. I had a lot of people helping. But in that little moment right there, I was in charge.

And I knew something very important: if I didn't calm my body down first, my mind wasn't going to be able to help me—or help anybody—figure this out.

So I took a really deep breath. And honestly, it was a very shaky breath to kind of bring myself back to reality and to start hearing things again and thinking.

And then the only thing I could think of was that I needed to kind of do this little pow-wow with my daughter.

So we excused ourselves and I pulled her aside. And she was surprisingly calm. Like she somehow really trusted that we were going to be able to figure things out.

And when you talk about co-regulation and how our nervous systems can rely upon each other, that was such a gift. Because she just kind of looked at me with this calm face—still a little stunned, but pretty calm.

And she kind of was already nodding. And I was like, okay, okay, we're gonna figure this out.

And together you could feel our nervous systems trying to regulate each other.

And I don't know where this came from, except maybe from divine intervention. But I had this thought, and it immediately calmed my body. And so I said it to her.

I said, you know what the most important part of this wedding is?

And she looked at me with anticipation.

And I said, honey, it's your relationship. You found the man that you want to marry, that you want to build a life with, and he's incredible. And you guys are so happy. That's what really matters most, isn't it?

And you could see her start to nod.

And I grabbed her hand and we kind of held on tight for a minute, and I could tell we were both calming down.

Now, we had a lot of work to do. I'm not gonna pretend that I didn't have more scary moments after that, where my stomach dropped and my mind raced ahead.

But what steadied us every single time we got a little stressed was coming back to that anchor—not the event itself, not the performance of all the plans we had prepared for. It was the meaning underneath it all.

That's what got us through that moment, and that's what got us through the whole weekend.

And then something absolutely amazing happened. I call it the wedding miracle.

Family, friends, neighbors, even people we barely knew—they all showed up to help. Her in-laws that lived in the area where we had the wedding were incredible. They showed up with an army of helpers in the new venue that we found, which actually was the one she originally wanted but couldn't get.

The owner of that venue, hearing our story, made it available, moved an event up, and absolutely made it available for us.

Within like 48 hours, everything came together. And we had this incredible group of people that came and helped us.

And the wedding was spectacular.

Not because everything went perfectly—because obviously it hadn't. We had to stretch and adapt and be flexible.

But at the base of everything was this anchor in what mattered most.

So why am I telling you this story right now?

It's because I think it's so helpful to understand that it's not positive thinking that gets us through crises or difficulties. It's not pretending everything is fine. It's directing or redirecting our focus to what's most meaningful, true, and important to us.

And there's research on this. It's called cognitive appraisal. Basically, it's not the things that are happening themselves that determine how we feel—it's the meaning that we assign to it.

When we assign deeper purpose and meaning to things, everything shifts. Emotional states change. The situation feels different because we're seeing it through the lens of what matters most.

And then what happens is we start to access calmer, more positive emotions. Our capacity to think clearly expands. Our ability to solve problems and connect with people increases.

That's why solutions appeared. That's why people rallied. That's why the day became beautiful.

It was going to be beautiful whether she was outside in a field, because the meaning was the star of the show.

So before any big day that you have, I want to help you do the same thing—by choice, not by crisis.

Not by pretending nothing will go wrong. Not by fearing and ruminating and superstitiously monitoring every detail.

Instead, I want us to have anchors to what matters most—anchors that reassure us that no matter what happens, we are going to be okay.

So here are some practical things you can do when you're looking forward to a big event.

First, set a simple reset intention. If something doesn't seem like it's going the way you want, or you can't shake the anxiety, say quietly to yourself: I'm here. I want to experience this.

That's it.

Second, choose one thing to savor. What is one small moment you want to remember? A hug. A smile. A feeling. Just one.

Third, expect imperfection. It's not a flaw in the day. It's part of real life.

Fourth, move slowly on purpose. Take deep breaths. Let your internal pace be calmer.

Fifth, stay connected to your body. Drop your shoulders. Relax your jaw. Take a longer exhale than inhale.

And six, look for meaning—not performance.

So here's what I want you to hear before you go to sleep tonight.

There's nothing left to prove. There's nothing left to perfect. You've done the work. You've shown that you cared.

Now your only job is to show up.

So breathe. Let the list fall away. Let the pressure soften.

Nothing about tomorrow will be better because you worried your way into it.

Tomorrow is not meant to be perfect. It's meant to be lived.

So tonight, release the rest. You are enough.

And tomorrow, you get to receive the moments you made possible.

I'm grateful for you and all you do for your families, and I wish you much love and rest and peace this week.

Take care.

You can always find me on Instagram at @leighgermann or on my website at leighgermann.com.

The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualified mental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, illness, or disease. It's also not intended to be legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances.

Thanks again and take care.