136. How to Use Family Rituals to Build Resilience

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Transcript

What if one of the most powerful things protecting your child's wellness isn't a therapy technique or a parenting strategy, but something as simple as Saturday morning pancakes? Today we're talking about family rituals, what the research actually says, why they matter at every age and stage, and how even the smallest, silliest moments can become the roots that hold your children steady for the rest of their lives.

This is Leadership Parenting: How to Use Family Rituals to Build Resilience.

Did you know that resilience is the key to confidence and joy? As moms, it's what we want for our kids, but it's also what we need for ourselves. My name is Leigh Germann. I'm a therapist and I'm a mom. Join me as we explore the skills you need to know to be confident and joyful. Then get ready to teach these skills to your kids. This is Leadership Parenting, where you learn how to lead your family by showing them the way.

Hello, friends, and welcome back. I'm so excited to be with you today because today I want to talk about something that might be one of the most protective things we can do for our kids. The beautiful part is, you're probably already doing many of these things without even realizing it.

I want to start with some research. There's a study from Syracuse University that followed families over several years, and what they found was remarkable. They discovered that children who grew up in families with strong rituals had higher levels of personal adjustment, stronger family relationships, and better overall well-being.

Here's what really got me. When researchers looked at what protected kids during times of stress — divorce, illness, major transitions — the strongest predictor of resilience in those situations was also whether the family had established rituals.

Now, these aren't perfect families, not families without any problems. These are just families with rituals. Isn't that a cool study? The lead researcher, Barbara Fees, spent decades studying this, and she describes family rituals as the glue that holds families together during times of stress and transition. She found that rituals don't just make kids feel good in the moment. They actually shape how secure they feel, how they manage their stress, and even how they will form relationships later in their lives.

So, what are we talking about when we say rituals? And maybe more importantly, how do we create them without adding another thing to our already full plates?

Well, let me tell you about a conversation I had recently that I think illustrates this. I was working with a mom whose middle schooler — tough years, right? — has been really struggling with some anxiety. This mom was doing everything she could. She was trying to talk with this young man. She was validating his feelings. She was staying calm.

But her son kept shutting down. He wouldn't talk to her. He was really anxious, retreated to his room, put on his headphones, basically disappeared. And she was starting to panic a little bit.

We were working together on how to stay connected to him in this interesting time period he had moved into, and she felt like she was losing him. And then one Saturday morning, she noticed something.

She told me, “I was making pancakes, which is what I do every Saturday. And he came down and he just started helping me. We didn't talk about his anxiety or school or anything heavy. We just made pancakes together like we usually do. And then while we were eating, he started opening up a little bit. Not about big stuff, not at first, just about random things. And then it was almost like he couldn't help himself. He told me what was really going on.”

And she said, “I think it was because we weren't trying to have a serious conversation. We were just doing our Saturday morning thing. That's what allowed him the feeling that he could come and talk.”

Well, you guys, that's the power of rituals. They create these containers where connection can happen naturally, without force, without pressure.

So let's talk about what family rituals are and how we can implement them. Family rituals, I'm defining them as those regular, intentional moments where families can connect. They're the activities or traditions — or even just tiny moments — that you engage in together that create a sense of belonging and what we call shared identity.

It's a known sense within the family: this is what happens. This is what we do.

And here's what I want you to really notice. They don't have to be big. They don't have to be anybody else's idea of perfect. They just have to be something that works for you.

Rituals can be daily things like how you greet each other in the morning or how you say goodnight. They can be weekly, like pizza Fridays or Sunday morning walks. They could be seasonal or tied to special occasions.

But what makes them powerful is that they're predictable to your children, they're meaningful, and they create connection.

Now you might be thinking, “Leigh, I'm barely keeping up with what's going on now. How am I supposed to add something else to what I'm doing?”

And here's what I want you to know. You're probably already doing this. You just might not even recognize it's a ritual. Or you might see it as a ritual, but think it's not important.

So I want you to take a second and look into your life. Do you have a certain way that you say goodbye or hello to your kids when you drop them off or pick them up at school? That's a ritual. Do you always check in with your kids at bedtime? Or have a special breakfast on the first day of school? Or a certain way that you celebrate birthdays? Those are rituals.

The question isn't whether you need to create rituals from scratch. The question is, can you and will you recognize what you're already doing and maybe just be a little more intentional about it?

You know, there is a difference between routines and rituals. Routines are tasks we do to keep life running — brushing teeth, making beds, doing homework, eating dinner. They're structural things. Predictable, yes, like rituals, but very structural. Kids do need this. Routines help everyone know what's expected. They help us move smoothly through life.

But rituals add a layer of meaning and connection to the routines. They go beyond just getting the task done. They bring warmth, joy, a sense of something special.

So the routine is eating dinner. The ritual might be how you gather for dinner. Maybe you all share one good thing about your day. Maybe you light a candle. Maybe you have assigned seats and everyone knows that's their spot. The routine gets you fed. The ritual shows the connection.

You might have a routine of getting kids ready for bed. Maybe your ritual is that after they're in bed, you sit on the edge of their bed and ask them the same question every night: What made you smile today? Or maybe you trace their face with your finger. Or maybe you have a special phrase you say, like, “I love you, I'm glad you're mine,” or a song you sing.

The task is the same — getting them to bed — but the ritual makes it meaningful. It signals to your child that this is a moment that matters, that they matter.

Research shows us kids who grow up with these kinds of rituals feel the security, they feel the connection, they grow the resilience. One study I came across looked at families going through hard times — poverty, illness, trauma. And families who maintained these rituals through those hard times had kids who did significantly better.

The rituals were like anchors or roots. When everything feels chaotic and uncertain, the rituals say we're still us. We're still together. This is still our family.

If your kids are young trees, rituals are the root system. They're what holds them steady when the storms come. And we know storms will come — friendship struggles, school stress, transitions, losses. We just can't protect our kids from all of those things. Probably the hardest thing in parenting we have to deal with, right?

But we can give them deep roots that keep them grounded.

I think we tend to be more natural at rituals when our kids are small. It makes sense. Little kids need the predictability. They're fun, they're playful, they respond visibly. They remind us constantly. Your four-year-old will absolutely let you know if you forget the goodnight song, right? They're ritual enforcers.

But something happens as our kids get older. They get more independent. They're busier. They might roll their eyes. They've got their phones and their friends and their own world. And we start to wonder if they even want us to do the things we used to do. So without really deciding to, I think we naturally let rituals go.

Here's the thing I want you to hear. Older kids and teenagers need rituals just as much as little ones. They just might need them to look a little different.

Because what's happening developmentally in adolescence is actually one of the most disorienting seasons of a person's life. Their identity is shifting. Their peer relationships feel more urgent. Their world is expanding in ways that can be exciting and terrifying. And underneath all of that independence and attitude, they still need to know they belong somewhere. They still need the family as an anchor.

So ritual doesn't disappear. We want it to grow up with them.

And I want to give you a framework for thinking about this that has really helped me, both personally and in my work with families. If you think of ritual as a vehicle, not the destination — it's the vehicle. The ritual itself — the pancakes, the Saturday drives, the pizza night, the bedtime phrase — that's just a container. What you're really doing is using that container to carry something.

You're carrying connection. You're carrying your values. You're carrying the message: I see you. You matter. You belong here. We have a thing together.

When your kids are little, the vehicle might be a bedtime routine with the same storybook every night. Simple vehicle. Child is small. But as they grow, the vehicle needs to evolve.

A teenager probably won't sit still for the same bedtime ritual you did when they were five. Makes sense. But they might sit in the car with you late at night after everyone else is in bed, eating ice cream and talking about nothing in particular.

Same vehicle. Different form. Same cargo — belonging, connection, love.

The mistake I think we make is thinking that when the old form stops working, the ritual is over. But it doesn't have to be. We just need it to shift.

The mom with the Saturday pancakes — her son is in middle school. In a few years, maybe he won't come down for pancakes the same way. But if she pays attention, there will be something else. A car ride. An ice cream run. A late-night show they watch together. A standing joke between them. She just has to stay curious and open enough to notice what the new vehicle is going to look like.

Let me give you a few examples of what rituals can look like at different ages and stages, because I think this can help us get the wheels rolling in our minds.

With toddlers and young children, rituals are often sensory and repetitive. That's exactly what small kids need. Same lullaby every night. The same greeting when you pick them up. A special handshake that's just yours and theirs. At this stage, the ritual is really about safety and predictability — saying you can count on me to be here, and I will do the same thing with you over and over again.

School-age kids’ rituals start to carry more meaning. This is a great age to introduce things like celebrating effort, family traditions around milestones, or weekly connection points. The ritual begins to communicate your family's values — what you care about, what you celebrate, what you mark as important, and maybe even how you show up for each other. The vehicle starts to carry a little more weight.

And with tweens and teenagers, this is where I think a lot of us start to let things slip because our kids don't show as much enthusiasm, maybe. But this is where rituals can become even more powerful. Teenagers aren't going to come to you and say, “I need connection.” They're actually going to seem like they don't need you at all — until the moment they desperately do. And a ritual gives them a low-pressure way to be close to you without having to ask for it.

With teens, the key is to follow their lead and let go of what you're attached to. Maybe the bedtime ritual becomes a standing Sunday afternoon drive. Maybe it's that you always watch the same show together on Friday night. Maybe it's how you handle their birthday. The ritual doesn't have to be soft or sentimental. It just has to be consistent and something you can do together.

With adult children — don't stop. Seriously. The rituals shift again, but they don't end. This is where the vehicle becomes something that spans generations. If you've tended to those rituals faithfully, you start to see your kids carry a version of them forward in their families.

You know, I'm a Mimi now, and I've started my own rituals with my grandchildren. Some of them are the kinds of things you might expect. But one of my favorites is actually whipped cream.

I know it's kind of silly, but I always try to have a couple of cans of whipped cream in my refrigerator. When my grandchildren come over, I make special waffles. And of course, there's whipped cream. Sometimes they just come and find me in the kitchen and I'll squirt a little whipped cream in their mouths, no matter what time it is — even if it's right before dinner. And we both laugh.

It's a secret and not-so-secret. It's about us being together. It's not about the whipped cream. The point is they can count on something sweet and a little bit silly coming from me. They know at Mimi's house there's a certain kind of softness, I hope — a certain kind of indulgence that maybe I can afford to give them because I'm not their parent. I'm their Mimi.

And here's what I want you to hear in that story. We work so hard to teach our kids the right things — the skills, the values, the tools for life. And that matters very much. But we also need the soft things. The fun things. The things that feel like being loved and not just guided. The things that make kids feel deep down that they're someone's favorite person in the world.

So whipped cream is my vehicle for that. And I want to ask you: what is yours?

Here are some examples of rituals that families I work with have shared with me.

One family has donut dates. My husband actually does this. He takes the kids on donut dates. Everyone knows Poppy loves donuts. Once a month, this dad takes each kid individually to get a donut before school — just the two of them. The kids are teenagers now and they still ask for their donut date.

Another family has a tradition where when someone in the family does something really hard that they've been working toward, they ring a bell that hangs by the front door. Learn to ride a bike? Ring the bell. Pass a test you studied hard for? Ring the bell. Everyone comes running to celebrate.

One mom told me that every time her kids get in the car, they play the same song and dance in their seats. Silly. Takes two minutes. But her kids expect it and it makes them smile.

Another family has roses and thorns at dinner. Everyone shares the best part of their day — the rose — and the hardest part — the thorn. They've been doing it for years. And now, even when life gets busy and they can't all sit down together, they'll text their roses and thorns to the family group chat.

Do you see what I mean? None of these are complicated. But they're consistent. They're meaningful. And they create connection.

I had one mom tell me, “I don't think what we did was special enough to count as a ritual. We just always had breakfast together on Saturdays.” But when her daughter went to college, she told her that Saturday morning breakfast was one of the things she missed most about being home. She said it made her feel like no matter what was going on, Saturday mornings were always safe and steady. She could rely on it.

You guys, that's what rituals do. They create pockets of safety and connection that kids can count on. And your grown children carry those pockets with them. They remember them when they're stressed. They recreate them in their own families. They might even call you from their college dorm on a Saturday morning thinking about pancakes.

You're building something that outlasts their childhood.

Healthy rituals feel good. They bring lightness or warmth or closeness. There's something your family looks forward to. So as you think about this, I want you to ask yourself: what are we already doing that counts as a ritual? And then celebrate it. Give yourself encouragement and reassurance that you're on the right track, that you're wrapping your children in your love through those rituals.

Then ask yourself: is there one small thing I could add that would keep this connection going?

Here are a few guidelines for creating rituals that work.

Number one: keep it simple and consistent. The power isn't in doing something elaborate. It's in doing something regularly. Don't pick something you can only do when life is calm. Make sure you can do it even when it gets messy.

Number two: make it meaningful to your family. Think about what your family likes, what you care about, what brings you joy, what feels like you.

Number three: let it evolve. This is the big one. As kids grow, let rituals shift. The vehicle changes. The cargo stays the same. You're always carrying connection, belonging, love. You're just finding a new way to carry it.

Number four: don't let perfection get in the way. Some weeks you'll nail your Saturday morning pancakes. Some weeks you'll forget. Someone will be grumpy. Someone will be sick. That's life. The power is in coming back to it often enough that your family knows it's yours.

And here's the last thing I want to say. You don't need a lot of these. You just need a few. Think about it like bookmarks in your family's life. You don't need a bookmark on every page. You just need a few that mark important moments — places where you pause and connect.

Research shows that even one or two strong rituals can make a significant difference in a child's sense of security and belonging. And rituals don't expire. They show up in how your grown children talk about their childhood and what they remember.

So here's what I want you to do this week. Notice what you're already doing. Look for those moments where there's a pattern and your kids seem to light up or settle in. If you want to add something new, start small. Try it for a few weeks. See how it feels. If it doesn't work, try something else.

There's no right way to do this. There's just your way to do this.

I hope this helps you see what you're already doing and gives you ideas for what you might want to add. Whatever you try, I know it will be perfect for you and your family.

You're doing better than you think. And your kids are so lucky to have you.

Thanks for being with me today, and I'll talk to you next week. Take care.

The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualified mental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, illness, or disease. It is also not intended to be legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances.