149. How to Make Screens Work For Your Family This Summer

Screen time doesn't have to be a source of guilt, negotiation, or constant battle — and the research is finally catching up to what many moms already sense. In this episode, we walk through a values-based approach to family screen use this summer, including why screen-free days aren't automatically good days, what screens as a reward are actually teaching your kids, and how to run a family screen meeting that gets everyone on the same page. Whether you're dealing with a younger child or a teen, this episode gives you a practical framework for making screens work for your family — not against it.

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Transcript

If you've spent any part of the summer already negotiating screen time or feeling guiltyabout how much you've relied on it, this episode's going to change the way you thinkabout all of it. This is Leadership Parenting: How to Make Screens Work for Your Familythis Summer. Did you know that resilience is the key to confidence and joy? As moms,it's what we want for our kids, but it's also what we need for ourselves. My name is LeeGerman. I'm a therapist and I'm a mom. Join me as we explore the skills you need toknow to be confident and joyful. Then get ready to teach these skills to your kids. This isLeadership Parenting, where you learn how to lead your family by showing them theway. Hello, friends. Welcome back to Leadership Parenting. I'm so glad to be with youtoday. I want to talk about something that we're extending into our summertime. And Ithink it's probably already showing up in your summer because I know it's showing up inthe summers of the moms that I'm working with. And that is how do we deal withscreens? So, do you ever have one of those mornings where it's not even 10 o'clock andyou've already had the conversation, maybe even a couple of times, someone wants thetablet or the TV or the phone, and we're either holding the line or you've already given inand sitting with that feeling of guilt or frustration, wondering if you just took an easyway out, or maybe you said something like, you can watch just for a little while, or afteryou do what I'm asking, you can watch and walk away feeling that we just didsomething we weren't supposed to do. Like maybe we're kind of a bad mom and wemight be ruining our kids' brains. Or maybe we're completely the other way. We decidedno screens today. And what you got was a child who was bored, relentless, followingyou around the house, asking what they're supposed to do now. You know, at somepoint I think we ask, is this actually any better? Because it doesn't feel better. I hear thisall the time. And I want to say something right at the start. We are all in this together.Screens are a part of our families' lives, whether we're embracing them or trying to holdthem back. And the reason why this feels so hard isn't because we're doing it wrong. It'sbecause the whole conversation around screens, I think it's now set up in a way thatmakes us feel like we're losing no matter what we do. And it's a little bit exhausting. So Iwant to offer you another way to think about it, not a set of rules, a way of thinkingabout this, hopefully, that makes more sense.

Build Summer Shape With Your Kids

2:34

So before we even get to screens, I just want to talk a little bit more about summerbecause I think screens become a problem when summer doesn't have a shape. And inlast week's episode, we talked about having general bones for your day. That's where westart to fill in purposefully what we want our days to look like. And the best thing thatyou can do for your family this summer literally isn't focused on your devices and whatnot to do with them or how to hold them back. It really has to do with a conversationbefore summer starts or right now, since it's already started. Sit down with each of yourchildren individually if you can, just you and them. And I want you to ask them, what aretheir dreams about for this summer? What do they hope for? What do they want to do?What do they want to learn? What are they looking forward to? And this is the part Ithink a lot of us just end up flying into summer, flying right past this. That's our chancethis summer to look at that data. I did this with my own kids every summer, or mostevery summer, and I can't tell you how much information came out of thoseconversations. I learned which chores each child genuinely disliked the most. So I madea rotating schedule so no one got stuck with the same chore all summer. I asked whatthey felt they needed to stay fresh on before going back to school because some of mykids would go back in the fall and kind of lost some ground in math or reading, andsome were just completely fine. So I wanted to know what the experience was like foreach of them, what they experienced when they went back to school. I never sawsummer as an extension of the school year. I kind of reveled in the break fromhomework and tests like we all did, but I wanted them to keep learning. So I asked whatthey wanted to learn. One summer we learned to sew. One summer we did a cake clubwith another family. We did a few field trips to places they genuinely wanted to go. Nota lot, but a few things that felt special and intentional. Our goal is not only just to get theinformation ourselves, it's also to teach our kids how they can start to evaluate things,how we want them to start thinking of things. That conversation before the summer bereally begins, it changes things because when kids have an input into what theirsummer looks like, I think they're more invested in it. They're not just enduring thestructure that you've created. So this is a little bit of an extension of that thought thatwe had last week of putting bones together of what you want your days to look like.Let's have our kids help us make that. And screens, well, screens are just a part of thatconversation. Hopefully, kind of a small part, but really important. Here's the thing I wantyou to understand before we talk about screens at

Screen Free Does Not Mean Better

5:15

all. A screen-free day is not automatically a great day. It could feel like a huge win tohave a screen-free day, but it doesn't make the day good. What makes a day good for akid is what fills it movement, connection, something creative, maybe a little boredomthat eventually becomes creativity time for them, real conversation. When a day hasthose things already front-loaded in it, then screens can kind of find their place muchmore naturally. When a day doesn't have those things loaded in, screens have thepotential of filling too much of the day. And that's where we start to see problems. Andshe described her screen time strategy as constant damage control. When things gotloud, she handed over a device. When she needed to take a call, on went the TV, andthen she'd feel terrible. And then she'd try to be strict for a few days, and then the wholething would start over again. What struck me wasn't how much screen time her kidswere getting. It was how exhausted she was from managing it without any real plan. Shewasn't making decisions, she was reacting to whatever was happening in the moment.And I don't blame her one little bit. I have been there so many times, and I think we allhave. And a lot of us are there right now. Here's something that I think is very, veryreassuring.

Minutes Matter Less Than Displacement

6:41

Even the American Academy of Pediatrics, the people that your child's pediatricianlooks to for guidance, they've shifted the way they talk about this. They've moved awayfrom the idea that it's all about the number of minutes. What they're saying now is thatwhat matters more is what your child is doing in their life and then on the screen,whether there's some engagement from you around what's happening on the screen,whether it's crowding out the other things in their life that actually matter, like theirsleep or their getting exercise and movement, connecting with real people, beingoutside. This is a shift from our leadership in our educational community. And I think it'sreally meaningful. And I don't know that we as parents have completely caught up withit. Dr. Michael Rich is a pediatrician at Harvard. He runs the digital wellness lab at BostonChildren's Hospital. He's been saying for years that screens are not inherently toxic. NowI know that's kind of a scary statement. And let's just clarify, I'm not trying to convinceyou to add more screens to your schedule. What I want you to think of screens as isneutral. And this is what he's saying. It's what we do with screens that matters. The realquestion isn't how long your child is on a screen, it's whether that screen time ispushing out something that matters more. So if it is, that's your problem. If it's genuinelypart of a day that already has a hundred good things in it, then it's not the problem wethink it is. And I think we are so responsible and so worried and love our kids so muchand we want to make the best decisions for them that we have had this real strugglewith the concept of screens where we can see that maybe they're not so bad at certaintimes if certain conditions are met, but then we feel so guilty because our kids aren'tsupposed to be on them. And then I think we use screens as a reward because they'reso motivating for children. We say you can have your tablet after you clean your room.You've earned your TV time. I think we're accidentally sending our kids a message thatwe really don't mean to send. We're telling them that screens are the best reward, thateverything else, like playing outside, reading, building something, being boredsometimes, spending time with the family, that's what you have to do to get the goodthing, which is the screen. Think about that. We're making screens the most wantedthing in the house. And then we're confused why our kids seem so consumed by themand they're fighting so much for them. Same thing happens when we use screens to fixboredom in the moment. When a kid comes to you bored and you hand over a device,that's happened to me so many times. You've just taught them that boredom is aproblem that needs an outside fix and it's easy. And what boredom actually is, when youlet it sit for a little while, it's a doorway to creativity. Every mom who has held the line onboredom long enough has seen it. The child who was driving her crazy 20 minutes agois now building something out of cardboard boxes in the garage. It might be messy andit might not make a lot of sense, but they're being creative. They've figured out a way tohandle their boredom, even if it's only for 15 minutes. That doesn't happen if we handover the iPad the moment they say they're bored. Boredom tolerance, frustrationtolerance, the ability to sit with discomfort and come out the other side having figuredsomething out. These are the most important things childhood can help us build. Andscreens, when they're used reactively, skip right past all of that.

Boredom Tolerance And The Screen Diet

10:10

As I've studied this concept, especially as I look to teach it and to lead families throughit, what the researchers are looking at is the content of screen time. What is the purposeof it? What is it actually doing or not doing for us? So here's how they're teaching it now.There's educational screen time, something that's actually teaching your childsomething, a learning app, a documentary, something genuinely instructing them. Thiskind of screen usage correlates with pretty positive outcomes. Think of it as the wholegrains of the screen diet. Then there's creative and interactive screen time, where you'rebuilding something, making a video, a game that requires actual thinking and decisionmaking. The child is producing something, not just consuming it. The brain is workinghere. And this is actually more active than passive. And then there's entertainment, amovie, a show they love, gaming for fun, legitimate downtime. And I want to say prettyclearly, that's not a problem. In fact, this is exactly what the afternoon movie was at myhouse. The key was that we chose it. It was planned. They picked it. You know what it is.It has a beginning and an end. And here's where your values come in. You should decidewhat entertainment looks like in your home. You can make decisions about themessages in the content, the feel of what they're watching, what it's quietly normalizingfor them. In all of these things, researchers advise us against showing our childrenviolence, sexual content, and watching the language that they listen to. Not becausewe're trying to sanitize their world, but because content holds influence. And what kidswatch shapes what feels normal to them. And that's true at every age. So you are notonly allowed to have standards about this, you need to have standards about this. It'spart of your job. And then there's what researchers call passive or mindlessconsumption, scrolling with no destination, YouTube autoplay, Instagram, TikTok,endless open-ended surfing with no intention. This is the category that eats hours andleaves kids feeling vaguely worse, not better. This is content that we can't control. Wedon't know what they're wandering into or what they're experiencing. It's unchosen.And this is the one that needs the most intentional container around it. As a matter offact, it's perfectly reasonable to say we do not have that kind of screen time in ourhome. A helpful question to ask yourself, did my child choose this or did an algorithmchoose it for them? Did I choose this and schedule it and approve of it? Knowing whichkind of screen time is happening in your house on any given day is far more useful thancounting the minutes. When my kids were growing up, screens certainly were not whatthey are now, but they were still something I thought about deeply. And I developed away of doing my summer that I want to walk you through because I think the principlesstill hold. I called it front loading the day. The idea, just what we've been talking about.Build the day around what matters first, and everything else then fits in. Many of thedays the kids would settle in late afternoon and watch a movie, and we would talk aboutwhat we wanted to watch and why. And they had to take turns. And sometimes theolder kids ended up watching younger kid movies. We had conversations about whatwe were seeing. And honestly, it was restorative, downtime that everyone needed,including me, and just part of our day. It wasn't the reward at the end of the day, justpart of it. I look back on that now, and I don't think there was anything I would change.Nothing wrong with that. It worked for our family. Now let's talk about what the researchsays about the actual dangers, because I want to be clear that what makes screensgenuinely harmful is what they replace. Is this like the third time we've said this? Whenscreens crowd out social connection and play and learning and sleep, that's when theresearch shows real problems show up. So the risks are what screens are replacing thatthe kids aren't doing, and it's the content, content that exposes kids to unhealthyimages or ideas or comparison, things they're not ready for. And that is really important.So the concept I'm trying to illustrate here, have a plan. Know what your kids want andneed, know what you want and need, and make sure you're offering a full menu of allthe good stuff that you want to front load. Maybe not everything all in the same day, buta good amount of the things over the course of your week. And then let screens fit inwhere they actually make sense. Researchers have also found that when we scheduleour screen time, when the whole family knows when it is, it stops being something thatwe fight over, that we beg about, that we negotiate around. It brings down the powerstruggle. So every family is going to look different. And maybe yours does best with noscreens all week and maybe nothing on the weekend. Or maybe it's 20 minutes a dayinstead of an hour. Maybe some days are educational content only, and other days areentertainment. Maybe you watch together and talk about it. You get to decide. I wantedto bring you research to try to normalize or calm down the fear around screens. But youknow your child more than anyone else does, better than any researcher in the world.There's no single right answer that fits everyone. There's your right answer for yourfamily. And we're going to be focused on deciding what we do, not reacting. Whichbrings me to one more thing I want

Smartphones Change The Whole Equation

15:56

to talk about. Those little tiny screens that are on our smartphones. Because I thinkthere's a meaningful difference between screen time like a movie or a game orsomething that you've chosen as a family, and then a child on a smartphone with round-the-clock access to the internet and social media. I've long been worried about this.Jonathan Haidt is a researcher and author. His book's called The Anxious Generation. Iknow a lot of you have read it, and if you haven't, it's well worth your time. His workmakes a compelling case that the shift from a play-based childhood to a phone-basedone has done harm to a generation of our kids. And his recommendation, based on hisresearch, is no smartphones before 14. And here's the why behind that, because whymatters really more than the rule. Between the ages of 10 and 14, a child's brain is inwhat researchers describe as its most identity-sensitive, pure comparison-sensitivewindow of development. The emotional centers of the brain are running very, very hot.The prefrontal cortex, the part that governs judgment and impulse control and theability to put the phone down, it's still years away from maturity. And social media isliterally engineered to exploit exactly those vulnerabilities. So our preteens' brains arenot equipped to navigate all of this. His recommendation: no social media before 16,because the most vulnerable phases of identity formation should not be happeningunder the pressure of online comparison and social performance and what those otherresearchers call kind of open-ended wandering through the online world. Now, if you'relistening to this and your child already has a smartphone and they're younger than thisrecommended age, it's going to be harder, but it's not too late. You can have thisconversation. You can create phone-free parts of your child's day where the phone staysin the kitchen for part of the day or in your purse and at night in your room. No phonesat meals, a window of time in the morning before there's any screens because you'vegot all those other great things scheduled. Perhaps you don't have to take it awayentirely to get some ground back. Start with one boundary. Have the conversation withyour child about why. It's so important they understand how this works for them in theirbrain. So they're aware, so they could be part of the solution. And your child may pushback, and that's okay. You're still the parent, and this is still your leadership. So we'vecovered a lot of things. Why screens aren't inherently evil. What makes screens positive,what makes them negative, or a bad influence on your kids, how those little screens onour phones actually probably are the most threatening of all, and that there's somethingwe can do even now to protect our kids.

The Family Meeting That Ends Battles

18:51

I just love the idea of this family meeting. So you could have the summer dreamsconversations, the screen plan, the phone conversation if you need it. It always worksbest when it happens before the battles, not in the middle of them. Before you bring thekids in, you want to be clear on a few things first. What do you want this summer? Whatdo you want it to contain? You're the leader. It's your vision. What are you comfortablewith when it comes to screens? What kinds? How much? When? Where? What's off thetable? Because maybe it doesn't fit your values or you don't think your kids are ready forit yet. And then sit down together and plan your summer schedule. Before you talkabout screens, talk about everything else, things that they might want to do, all the stuffwe really want our kids to do when they're not on the screens. Have that conversation.And then a very small part of it will be about the screens. What's your favorite part ofscreen time? What do you get out of it? And then listen. Because their answer will tellyou something very important. And then share your side. Here's what I want oursummer to have in it. I want us to do all those other fun things we just talked about. AndI want us to eat dinner without everyone on their phone. And I want you to have screentime because it's part of life. But it needs to be in its place so it doesn't take over thewhole day. And then decide on the plan. We're going to tell them screen time is notsomething you earned, and it's not something I take away as a punishment. It's just partof our day. If they don't agree with you, you might have to lay it out and say, this is howit's going to be. But hopefully they will have had some input to make it yours together.So when kids help shape that plan, I think they'll follow it differently. They're living bysomething that they had a hand in making. And then there's one more thing, and itapplies to us because our kids will notice it if we don't. We need to be more intentionalabout our own device use and our own screen time. And you can say that to your child.I'm going to have times where I'm not connected to my device or my screen. So that'sthe vision of the family plan. Of course, you make it look however you need to make itlook. And if you have very small children, then this is easy. You have ultimate control. Dothe research, my friends. Find out what is healthy for your kids and get ahead of it. Beprepared to hold the line. Don't expose them to things too soon. I'll be back with moreguidance, more research, more suggestions, ways for you to figure this out. So if yourfamily is young, I know it may not seem this way, but the battles are easier. I want tocome back to that mom I told you about at the beginning, the one doing constantdamage control. What she needed wasn't stricter rules. She needed a framework thatshe believed in, that she felt comfortable with, that she could hold to, so that she didn'thave guilt, she didn't have reactivity, it was thought through before. And once we builtthat together, things felt so much better. Her kids still asked for stuff, but she stoppedreacting and started leading because she had a plan to lead from. And that's what Iwant for you this summer. Let's give screens their place in the middle of all the otherwonderful things that we're doing with our kids so that summer actually feels amazingto your family. In the show notes, I put together a family screen meeting guide, walksyou through the parent prep questions, gives you the full conversation framework touse with your kids. You can find it at leegerman.com under the podcast tab, episode149. And if you do a meeting this week, send me an email. I would love to hear from you.I hope this was helpful. As always, I hope it just gets your mind turning around whatmight work for you, that you feel empowered, that you can lead your children thissummer in the direction that most fits your family's needs and their values. I will see youall next week. Take care. The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general informationpurposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualifiedmental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnoseor treat any condition, illness, or disease. It's also not intended to be legal, medical, ortherapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for yourindividual circumstances. Thanks again and take care of