THE ONES WHO DARED
THE ONES WHO DARED PODCAST Elevating stories of courage. You can listen to some of the most interesting stories of courage, powerful life lessons, and aha moments. Featuring interviews with leaders, pioneers and people who have done hard things. I hope these stories help pave the path for you to live out your courageous life.
THE ONES WHO DARED
Breaking the Patterns that Break You: Tori Hope Peterson’s Journey of Finding Freedom, Healing, and Purpose
Ever wondered how deeply ingrained patterns of pain can transform into a life of purpose? In this heartfelt episode Tori Hope Peterson—author, advocate, and a beacon of hope for vulnerable children. Tori takes us through her inspiring journey from navigating the foster care system to breaking generational cycles of trauma.
Drawing from her latest book, Breaking the Patterns that Break You, Tori shares powerful insights into recognizing and reshaping the narratives that hold us back. Through her personal experiences, she unveils the transformative power of self-love, forgiveness, faith, and community.
We delve into:
- Tori's childhood in the foster care system and how it shaped her perspective.
- Why healing is an intentional journey, not a product of "time heals."
- The complexities of insecure attachments and codependency—and how to break free.
- How changing our narratives can empower us and the next generation.
- The importance of creating safe spaces and serving others as part of healing.
Tori’s story is a testament to the courage it takes to rewrite a life story marked by pain. Her reflections offer wisdom, hope, and actionable steps for anyone seeking freedom from false scripts and generational patterns.
Join us for an inspiring conversation that will challenge you to embrace love—both for yourself and others—and rewrite the patterns that no longer serve you.
Links to Tori:
torihopepetersen.com
-Links-
https://www.svetkapopov.com/
https://www.instagram.com/svetka_popov/
Hey friends, welcome to the Ones who Dared podcast, where stories of courage are elevated. I'm your host, vekka, and every other week you'll hear interviews from inspiring people. My hope is that you will leave encouraged. I'm so glad you're here. Welcome to the Ones who Dared podcast. I'm your host, becca, and I am so excited to share this guest with you guys.
Speaker 1:Tori Hope Peterson, who is an incredible woman. I first heard of her when I read her very first book called Fostered, and in this book she shared about her experience of growing up in the foster care system and what it was like for her to be a biracial child while experiencing so much angst and trauma through the broken system of foster care, and also how she came to faith. And Tori is such an inspirational human being who took her brokenness, took her experiences of trauma and everything that she's been through, and she's using it to be an advocate to bring hope to people who need it. She's a fierce advocate for foster care, for adoption and for vulnerable kids, because at one point she was one, and I also love that.
Speaker 1:Tori is just an ordinary girl who's a wife, a mom who enjoys community hospitality. An ordinary girl who's a wife, a mom who enjoys community hospitality, cooking for her kids. She's an author and a speaker, and on this episode we're really going to dig into her latest book, called Breaking the Patterns that Break you, and you guys are in for a treat because there's so much wisdom that she shares here. She's wise beyond her years and I'm so excited for you guys to dig in and listen to this episode. Tori Hope Peterson welcome to the Once we Dare podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I read your book Fostered quite a while ago when it when the book came out, and I found that book to be so eye opening and give so much insight into someone who may not have been in the foster care system, who hasn't fostered before. I had friends who fostered kids and they kind of gave me some information about what it's like, but your story really gave an inside look of what it's like and how really broken the system is, and so I was really really encouraged by your story and I'm so glad that now I'm able to have you on with your new book, breaking the Patterns that Break you, healing from the Pain of your Past and Finding Real Hope that Lasts.
Speaker 2:Thank you. That means so much. It's so encouraging to hear how that first book impacted people. You know, when I wrote that first book, my intention was that it would be for youth maybe young adults like in the foster care system, that it would. I just wanted to write a book for, like younger Tori, the book that I needed when I was in foster care. And then, yeah, it just ended up being so much more than that. It ended up being a resource to people who have a heart for vulnerable children or vulnerable children, and I'm just so grateful for what God did with that. It is more than what I intended or could have even imagined. So, thank you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so just to give a little bit of background, tori grew up in unpredictable, dysfunctional and abusive environment and you moved through 12 different foster homes before you turned 18. And you went through a long healing journey in between that before becoming a sought-after speaker and an author of now your second book. And so you aim in your life to inspire other people to overcome adversity and be able to be the light and the hope. And also you have a podcast called I Love you Already, which is such a beautiful name, and I love that.
Speaker 1:And I think, before we dive into your book, I would really like for you to give us an insight into your story, more of your stories, so someone can understand why someone like what would really inspire you to write a book called Breaking the Patterns that Break you? Because it's not that. You're a psychologist and in the kind of the intro you're like, you know what gives me the right to write this book. I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a therapist, I'm not this, I'm not that, but it really comes from your own painful past and experience and really having to do the hard, intentional work of working through that. So, and really having to do the hard, intentional work of working through that, so I'd love if you could just give the listener an insight into that background.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, as you mentioned, I grew up in the foster care system and before that I lived with my biological mom. She was a single mom and she really struggled with her mental health and she you know my mom, I really want to emphasize you know, my mom's not a villain, my mom's not a bad person. She did her absolute best with what she had. She passed down to me what she knew and, you know, when I look at the story of our generational patterns, of our lineage, what happened was, you know, some like a lot of pain was passed down to her. You know, some, some like a lot of pain was passed down to her and then she passed down a lot of pain to me, but it was less pain than what was passed down to her.
Speaker 2:And you know, I think we all, just we do the best that we can, but these patterns in our lives, they are going to affect generations if they do not stop the bus. And so, um, what I was seeing in my own life, um, was that I was stopping these generational patterns, but the thought patterns were there, were thought patterns in my mind that were just like I hate myself, I'm not worthy, I'm not loved, I'm worthless, like just these terrible things that I would say to myself and about myself would just spiral in my head over and over again. And obviously, every single thought pattern that we have affects our behavioral patterns, it affects our relational patterns and it reflects the patterns that we hand down to our family. And so we have to address those thought patterns and we have to recognize the way that they make us behave and how they affect the people around us, how they can hurt the relationships around us, how they can hurt us, because if we do not figure it out, if we do not address it, then we're going to pass it down.
Speaker 2:And the thing about patterns is that oftentimes they're really subtle, they're quiet. We don't recognize them, they're what we've always known and so we just think we're like living in them. And so the idea of this book is to bring forth those subtle, quiet patterns that we often don't see or we don't recognize, and help people see them in themselves. And even if the thought pattern is like the one that I talk about, it's specific to me. You can often see like, oh, I have a variation of that and recognize it and change it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so you talk about the lies that you believe, and one of the things that you touched on where you started, you kicked off your book is the lie that self-love is selfish, and I'd love for you to kind of dig into that, because I think there is a misconception that. And I think also, you know, there's always extremes, right, you can get so self-focused that you disregard everybody else, right, but I think in your book that's not really what you're talking about, that sometimes, that loving ourselves and loving that is beginning to our healing journey. So I'd love for you to kind of dig into that.
Speaker 2:Yes, I wrote this as the first chapter because I just really think it's foundational, and so all of those lies that I just mentioned on the last answer that I gave, like those were what permeated my brain. And then I think all the other lies were kind of built from that foundation of just like self-hatred and self-loathing. And it was actually. I was in the hospital and my friend he told me you were saying all these terrible things about yourself. I was like unconscious and he was saying all these terrible things about yourself and I didn't even remember it, and so what that made me aware of is that there were these deep rooted thoughts in me that had to be affecting me in one way or another.
Speaker 2:And I think, especially as Christians, as believers, we are told, we are told like to die to ourselves, that we should have more of God and less of ourselves. And I think that to people who have grown up in really dysfunctional places, who have been spoken Like for me, I it was spoken over me that I wasn't worthy, that I wasn't loved, like that was actually spoken over me. And then it was proved, in a sense, because I was moved from foster home to foster home and nobody wanted me. I moved throughout 12 foster homes throughout my entire journey in the system, and so then you know there was there's nothing in it. Didn't feel like there was anything in my life that was necessarily proving those, those beliefs, wrong.
Speaker 2:And then to to hear, as a Christian, like, die to yourself, more of God, less of you. It just felt like everything about me is bad, so I can't see anything about me as good, I can't love anything about myself, and what I discovered was that that just creates a lot of insecurity. And like, god has created us to be confident in him and he has created us to like walk in our callings, and to do that, we have to love who God has created us to be. We have to love the gifts that he's given us. We have to love the calling that he's given us. We don't need to suppress it down or push it down or become smaller.
Speaker 1:So what I like to say is more of God and more of who God has created me to be, and I can love who God has created me to be, and I can love who God has created me to be because God did a good job making me, and that is just like the script that I would want to give anyone who struggles with self-loathing or self-hatred that God did a good job making you and you can walk in that I love that so much, like God, did a good job making you, and I think that's such a beautiful statement because, like you said you, you had words that were spoken over you and then it was reinforced by the patterns that you were seeing in the behaviors and the way that people treated you, confirmed those abusive words that were spoken over you and um, and I love that you just were able to overcome that.
Speaker 1:The other thing that I, the other lie that we hear often and this isn't just something that you believed is that time heals all wounds, and in Chapter 5, you write Raptured relationships in my life. 12 years has passed, yet my triggers felt more tender than ever before. I have heard that time healed all wounds, but at the age of 24, I was supposed to be in my prime health. Time seems to have only intensified and magnified my emotional wounds. Through countless heartbreaks and letdowns, I have come to terms with the reality that time does not heal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, time doesn't heal what we do with our time heals. And I was actually sitting in the so when me and my husband got married. We were just so poor, like every young person, every people who gets married super young, and so we just took like free everything, like free gym membership for a month or like free trial or free food or free furniture off the side of the road.
Speaker 2:We're like we're taking it all and there's free lunch in, so we're like free food, okay, we're going to go there. I had no idea what it was about, but the speaker was actually talking about trauma and I was kind of like, I'll be honest, I went in and I had been. I've been in therapy since I was 12 years old when I was in the foster care system. The judge had actually mandated that I'd be in therapy because of everything that I'd went through before entering the system and my first family, and so I started therapy at a very young age. Very thankful for that, I do think that it gave me kind of a head start, that I got to start to learn how to process things at a very young age, got to learn how to journal and talk things through at a young age.
Speaker 2:Um, but when I was listening to the speaker I kind of came in and was like, yeah, probably heard this before because I've been in therapy all this time.
Speaker 2:I studied psychology for my undergrad and I just was like, okay, here we go, I'm a cure for the food. And then he started talking and he said that those who grew up in dysfunctional families or had parents that were abusive or dysfunctional were two times more likely to enter into relationships that reflected their caregiver. And it just blew my mind because it was like, and I would say it was like, oh, yeah, yeah. Well, at first it was like, of course, but then he said we do this because it's where our brains are comfortable, even though we know that we don't want the dysfunction, we find comfort in the familiar. And I was like, oh, like, it was just this realization. Okay, I get it. And I think usually we hear this um, we know that people enter, do this with romantic relationships, but he actually kept it very broadly like just relationships in general, and I think that that's what helped me realize what was happening, because when I was in college, I went to go, I went, I ran track in college and my first year of college I had a track coach who he was actually fired for quote, unquote athlete abuse and misconduct. And it's wild because that entire year I was his victim and I just had no idea. It was actually other other teammates that had reported him and that had started the investigation and that had started the investigation. But I wasn't made aware what I was really going through until he was fired and the case was closed and I had time to process it with other people.
Speaker 2:And then later there was this mother figure in my life and I really wanted her to love me and I really wanted her to accept me and I was just willing to do like anything to have her attention and our but, but.
Speaker 2:Our relationship was so dysfunctional, like we were just not kind to each other and it would just spiral into these big blow-ups and then we would like go, no contact, we wouldn't talk to each other, and then we would come back into relationship and try again and I realized in that talk that the guy was giving on trauma was that that relationship reflected so much of my relationship with my mom and much of my relationship did. But I just hadn't realized that that's what I was moving towards because that's where my brain was comfortable. I didn't realize that was a pattern in my life of entering into these kinds of relationships until until really, he just made it so clear and I would say that was the moment where I wanted to start looking at every other pattern in my life. The moment where I wanted to start looking at every other pattern in my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've heard it once said before that we would prefer like and this is talking about our brains to a familiar hell versus to an unfamiliar heaven. So it's that, and I think that's why people who leave abusive relationships end up right back with a similar abusive type of behavior, is because, even though it seems like, why would you not want someone who's kind and treat you well and and all that, all of those things but at the same time, it's like, well, this is what I'm used to and I don't know how to function outside of this environment. So that's it's interesting, but it also gives us insight into the work that we have to do. So what have you found when you discover those triggers? What have you found that worked to kind of break some of those patterns for you Because I know that's a loaded question, yeah, Well, it's changing those narratives and changing those scripts, right?
Speaker 2:So one of the scripts or ideas that I have that kept me in these dysfunctional relationships is that if I left people, it would be unloving.
Speaker 2:Because in my childhood there were so many people that left me behind, right, like there were so many, like I had literally experienced abandonment over and over and over again, and so to leave people so unloving and it felt ungodly.
Speaker 2:I didn't ever see leaving as like a healthy thing. And then what I realized is that, like we are limited beings, we cannot have everyone in our life, right, um, to be like and some people are really, really hurtful, and like god does not want us to be abused, like, for the sake of quote-unquote, dying to self. Like god does not want us to be in dysfunctional relationships that bring us farther away from him, for the sake of quote-unquote love, um. And so, really, it was changing the script. So, like I used to believe, like leaving is not loving, and now I know that like leaving is actually sometimes the most loving option, and, um, I think, getting there, I also had to recognize my codependent tendencies and so, um, this is like another. We're going to go back to psychology, and in the book I did say that I am not a psychologist.
Speaker 1:I did study psychology in my undergrad and I do also learned all of this through having to deal with your stuff. And I think sometimes, um, like I was talking to a friend just this week and she was, you know, coming to a wall and I was able to help her reframe some things, and she's like, how do you know this? I'm like, because I've been in therapy myself, like this isn't me being an expert, this is me speaking from experience, you know. So I think sometimes that is what gives you kind of that, that knowledge, and the expert is having your own experience, without necessarily having the title.
Speaker 2:So yeah, yeah, yeah, and my husband and I were foster parents, so we learned about this specific thing in our foster care training, because we talk about a lot in the foster care space and that is attachment styles.
Speaker 2:So there are four different attachment styles and I won't go into all of them, but the one that I recognize that I have that I struggle with is insecure attachment, and that's where you tend to you like latch on to people and you want to do anything to make them love and accept you, because you're so like terrified of abandonment and then, usually because you have, I had such high expectations of people. I demanded so much out of our relationship or expected so much out of our relationship, that eventually it would implode because, like people are not unlimited but I would treat them like they were and I would treat myself like I was too, like I would enter into the relationship Like I can give anything if it results in me being accepted and loved, and that's not a healthy but that is a relationship that is going to end up in just like a bomb. So I recognize that I have these. So insecure attachment looks a lot like codependent tendencies and when people have like my kind of background, people tend to assume that, oh, they have an avoidant attachment style, which is they just can't attach at all, they don't want to, they're afraid of vulnerability, they're afraid of genuine connection with people and people don't recognize that there's actually other unhealthy forms of attachment, and so mine was insecure attachment, which very much looks like codependency.
Speaker 2:And so when I recognized my codependent tendency, use in so many relationships and romantic relationships and my friendship and my coach relationships and my with my authority figures, that was, um, that was you know. And there has to come a point when you recognize, okay, there is a consistent thing happening. I'm the common denominator. And, yes, there are people in my life, like there are people in my life that were like, abusive, dysfunctional, they were hurtful, but I also, like, I ran after them, I continued to reach out to them, I pulled them into my life. And so there has to come a point where we take responsibility and I want to emphasize wholeheartedly that, like, when someone is abusive towards us or hurtful towards us, they're absolutely responsible for those actions, but we are responsible for our healing, moving forward and we're responsible for any dysfunctional pattern of continuing to enter into that relationship over and over again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so good Because you can stay stuck as a victim and say well, all these things happen to me and you don't understand my story, you don't understand what I've been through, but at the end of the day, it's like you could have all gone through hell and back, and yet you can choose a different story. Which leads me into the other lie that you write about in the book is that you can't change your story, and I think that's such a beautiful and such an important point, because there are so many people right now that are really just stuck and they feel like my life is so hard. I've been through so much and I just don't know how to navigate from here. I don't believe that my narrative can be different. I don't believe that my life can be different. So what would you say to someone who believes that lie?
Speaker 2:And so there was this Christmas that my husband and I it was a few years ago, maybe four years ago now my husband and I were dividing up presents. We had a lot of family members to divide up presents for and we get some presents for people like we're really close to, and so I mentioned that mother figure that I just wanted to like, love and accept me, and so she was a part of who we were organizing presents for. She was a part of who we were organizing presents for, and probably the nicest gift in this entire all the stuff that we were giving was a leather bag and I put it in her name is Kimberly. We put it in Kimberly's pile and my husband was like you have all the nice things in her pile and you don't really have very many nice things for your family. I was kind of offended. I was like I have nice things for my family, right. And then I like looked and was like oh yeah, all the nicest things are going Kimberly and my husband was like we're going to give this back to your.
Speaker 2:I have a mother figure. Her name is Tanya. She stood in at my as my mom at my wedding. She had been a part of my life. Since I was in seventh grade she had been my mentor, walked with me through so many things that I could call her. I could literally call her right now and she would answer and she would love to talk to you, like, and she would talk to me for as long as I wanted to talk to her. I can call her at two in the morning and she will answer my phone call, like she's. She's always there for me.
Speaker 2:But I was so focused on this relationship with this other mother figure, kimberly, that I kind of lost, kind of lost that relationship with Tanya and I was functioning from, I think.
Speaker 2:I think what fueled this entire like, dysfunction of like ignoring those who genuinely loved me and wanted a relationship with me and chasing those who really couldn't offer me love in the way that I needed it.
Speaker 2:I think the narrative that fueled that was this false story that I didn't have a family, I didn't have anybody that loved me. And see, when we're functioning from your lies, it affects everything. It affects, like, when you actually do have people in your life, what happens if you end up pushing them away because you're functioning from a false narrative, from a lie, and so you know, I absolutely recognize that there are some people who, like they're laying on their bed right now and they are genuinely alone, like they do not know who they can call. But there are a lot of us, a lot of us, who do have people and have not fully um accepted and loved them, because we're so focused on those who don't fully love and accept us and we are running and chasing after those who are denying us. And if we just turned around, we would see that there are people with open arms waiting for, waiting to give us a hug.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so good and that is.
Speaker 1:And so what are also some other ways that we can change that narrative or dispute that lie, that we can't, that our story stays the same, that we can't change who we are Like?
Speaker 1:What are some things that you've done to change the narrative of your story?
Speaker 1:Because you have come so far from where you started into where you are now and you're giving voice and hope to people who are once in your shoes, and I love that and I think that's so beautiful.
Speaker 1:And I just want to say I'm so proud of you for working really hard on your healing, because healed people help heal people, and when we don't work on our wounds and our hurts, we end up hurting other people, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and so I think that should be such a motivator for us to say you know, my healing is not only for me, but it's also for the generations after me, it's also for the people around me that when I'm healed and I believe that we will never be fully like, perfect and whole and healed and you also confirm that in your book too. So I know that you hold that to that same value but at the same time, it is our responsibility to really work on ourselves and to do our best to work through this pattern so that we can be a place of hope and healing for other people as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think one of the most powerful ways that I have been able to see my own story and heal from it is one serving people who have stories like the foster care system former foster youth, and then my husband and I also have a teen foster daughter, and throughout this process of serving young women who really have went through such similar you know, I think it's only like two or three percent of people have experienced time in the foster care system, and so truly what we have been through is really unique and it is sometimes hard to understand Like it's hard for me to understand what I've been through and the actions that I've taken and so what serving people like me has done is it's given me I say it's given me a window. So what I get to do is I get to look into someone else's life and I can relate to them, but at the same time, windows don't just allow you to look in, they also give you a reflection. And so serving you know a teen girl in the foster care system who has a very similar story to mine. What that's done is it's care system, who has a very similar story to mine. What that's done is it's helping and you know she has reactions and triggers and trauma that looks so much like mine is. It's giving me a reflection, quite honestly, of the ways that I've hurt my adoptive parents. It's given me a reflection of the ways that I've hurt with people in general and it's given me an avenue when you see those things exposed and for what they are, and when you're experiencing them yourself. On the completely other end of it, you really want to heal so that you don't hurt people anymore.
Speaker 2:So one of the greatest gifts that I always tell foster parents and caregivers who are serving kids in the foster care system, or just vulnerable children in general, is if you can give youth the opportunity to serve people that look like them and in their background, it is one of the greatest gifts that you can give us. And I think the second thing is just community. You know, and again it goes back to seeing, seeing things for what they truly are, because again these patterns are subtle, they're quiet, the way that our trauma manifests in us. It's what we're always used to. It's hard to identify up into the truth of who you are and call you up and point out the little corpse that maybe are hurting the people around you and are hurting yourself. I think it can be like it's a game. It's a game changer to be around people who are willing to support you through feedback and continue to love you when you make mistakes or when you have shortcomings. And, of course, to do that, you also have to be a person who is able to receive feedback. Right. You have to be a person who's able to receive criticism.
Speaker 2:I think one of the greatest gifts of running track and of being an athlete was that I and I don't mean this like on a brag, a brag on myself but being coachable has always been a characteristic of that. I and I don't mean this like on a brag, a brag on myself but being coachable has always been a characteristic of that I've just had. It's something that's come easily and I think it's because of my track career and my athletic career. If you want to be good, you have to be coachable, and that's just not an athletic. That's in every part of your life. If you want to be healed, you have to be coachable. If you want to be kinder, you have to be coachable. Like, if you want to be anything a version better of yourself in any way then you have to be able to receive criticism and see that when people give it to you.
Speaker 1:That's beautiful, yeah, and that's so true. We're not able to receive, we're not able to change and evolve as well. And so what I hear you say in that, in just this previous thing, is that sometimes what it takes is a guide, and you probably know the anatomy of a story, which you know. You have the hero, who's the character of the story, you usually have a villain, the victim, and then you have the guide, and so sometimes I think in our story we can have the narrative that you know we're stuck, and so on and so forth. And we like in your case, when, when, um, your foster mom, tanya, came along and she was able to be the guide, right, she was one of your guides.
Speaker 1:And sometimes we have many guides in our lives, like frodo had sam who guided him into victory, right, um, and so when we have those guides who call us out into and they're able to see the good, the gems in us, that maybe things that we don't yet see in ourselves, and they're able to encourage us and kind of help us to grow in that. So, on the flip side of the person you know who's not the victim, or that stuck, how would you encourage someone that can be a guide for kids who are in the foster care system or kids who may, you know, feel marginalized, people who just may feel stuck. So how would you guide the guide into encouraging? You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2:Yeah, thanks for asking that question, because this book is not just for people who are feeling stuck, but this book is actually a resource for people who serve those who are stuck, and it really does have the same heart as foster to do both, because I know that there are so many. Much of my audience are people who are caring for those and loving those who have experienced a lot of trauma, and so that was the heart behind this book, and so what I would say to those who are trying to serve and give opportunity and empower and uplift those who are stuck is give them opportunities. You know, what my track coach did was he gave me opportunities to be the best athlete that I can be. My church when I was like 17,. They gave me my first ever speaking engagement. Like they saw something in me from a very young age that I didn't see in myself. But now this is my full time work, you know, and so there was a nonprofit in my town when I was young. They gave me a lot of opportunities to do advocacy and all of those things right.
Speaker 2:They are now a part of who I am and what I do, and I am a coach, I am a public speaker, I do advocacy work for children in foster care, and so I think if you can give young people opportunities to show them who they are created to be and what they're good at Like, it gives them confidence and it gives them vision for the future. Because I think oftentimes you know, when you grow up in a really dysfunctional home you know what you don't want. You know I don't want that for my future, I don't want that for my family, but it's really hard to have a vision for what you do want or to know how to get there, because you never had it modeled to you or you never had the opportunity to obtain it. And so if you can give them as many opportunities you know as possible to show them what they're capable of and their potential, it gives them confidence and it gives them a roadmap to walk into their true identity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good, and even I think that applies to even when you're not necessarily ready, when you haven't, you know it's just giving you that opportunity because not waiting until you're in a better place to essentially say so, when they gave you that opportunity, you didn't finish walking through your healing process, you were still in the mess. Yes, that's one of the lies, yes, okay.
Speaker 2:So I don't know if we've done this already, but there's 14 lies throughout the book and that is actually one of the lies and it's one of my favorite chapters because when I was 17, I was like I had just come to give my life to Jesus, like I had just started living as a Christian. And then I, my, my pastors, gave me an opportunity to speak and I think some people would think, wow, that was really irresponsible, like you shouldn't have done that. And then even into you know, I started this work at a pretty young age. I've been in it in some capacity since I was 18. And so I've heard a lot of pushback. I've heard you're not ready, you're not mature enough. Over and over and over again.
Speaker 2:And when I was 17, like I said, I did a. It was an awareness event for my church, for foster care and adoption, and throughout, you know, the next four or five years, six years, I would hear as I continued in my work, I would hear you know, you're not ready, you're too young, all of these things, all the naysayers. When I was 22, I received a message on social media and it said we heard you talk at when you were 17,. We heard you talk at this event and I just want you to know that me and my husband, we got in the car and we decided that day after we we heard your story that we are going to get involved in foster care, and today we are adopting a sibling group of three.
Speaker 2:And so, yeah, sometimes like I look back and I don't think that people are wrong.
Speaker 2:I wasn't ready, but I don't think those people are wrong. I wasn't healed. I haven't always been the most mature as I have walked on this journey, but God's people are ready and God is able to, you know, fill in those gaps when we have inadequacies, and it literally says in scripture that in our weakness, god will be made strong, that his strength will prevail through us. And so I think that that is definitely another thing that we need to be very watchful when we are encouraging kids who come from hard places, young people who come from hard places, because most of my peers who have went through what I have went through like and this isn't me making things up or bragging about myself, this is just a statistic they are struggling with addiction, drugs, alcohol. Their children are entering into the foster care system. They are not pursuing an education and they do not have stable work and so like. If someone's alternative is like sharing their story when they're not ready, I think that's a pretty good alternative.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is, and it also allows you to, in a sense, when you give them that opportunity, it's saying like I trust you. In a sense, when you give them that opportunity, it's saying like I trust you and it gives them that chance to um, show that they're capable of something to prove their trust, and so it's like you're putting that trust in their hands and they can you know, they can do well or they can break it, but but they have that opportunity to prove themselves, which is such a beautiful gift, um, one of the last lies that I wanted to touch on before we close is that you need closure, and this is a huge one, I feel like, because when we're hurt by people who are, you know, hurt people, hurt people and there is no closure maybe they haven't apologized, maybe they haven't made things right we can get stuck.
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Speaker 2:Go to MidwestFoodBankorg slash Pennsylvania forward in our own healing journey. We need an apology, we need some kind of closure, we need to have a resolution, a conversation with someone that would result in resolution. And the reality is that we can like. Our healing is not like affected by other people's feelings. Our healing is affected by our ability and our willingness to move forward, and so I think that sometimes it's so easy to get stuck because we're waiting on the people who hurt us or we're waiting on the person who did the thing that affected us, but the reality is we could be waiting on that for the rest of our lives and and then we could be, and then where does that leave us? That leaves us in the same place that they are stuck. So we, we have to decide I can heal without anything from anybody else.
Speaker 2:Um, in my foster care journey, I had foster parents who, uh, they never abused me, but they abused their adoptive children and it was the way that they abused them was just terrible and strange and sad, and I reported that abuse and I was deemed a liar and I moved home and for the rest of you know, kind of like the rest of my years, you're just. I was just plagued with this thought that I was a liar and I wanted justice for the boy who was brutally abused and I didn't know how to get it and it just created so much turmoil and hurt in me and I realized to not have that turmoil and hurt and pain, I had to decide that I was going to forgive them, because when we don't forgive, it's truly like we're in a prison, right.
Speaker 2:We're just going through this turmoil and pain and we're angry and we're bitter and we see that person out in public. And when we see that person, we scroll through our social media and they pop up and we see them and you know our face gets flushed and we just have rage and we're in a prison of like anger and bitterness. But when we forgive, what it does is it's like a key on the inside and we get to unlock ourselves and walk out and say I'm going to forgive you and I'm going to say I'll forgive them so they do not know what they are doing and I'm going to see you with love, even if you have very little love. And and what that does is it softens our hearts and it helps us see ourselves for who we are, helps us see others for who they truly are, and that's human. And then so I forgave, forgave.
Speaker 2:My foster parents moved out of town, so I didn't see them often or anything, and not as many feelings came up when I wasn't seeing them around or seeing cars that were similar to theirs, and I was out and about.
Speaker 2:And then the foster dad actually he messaged me on social media and I was just like shocked. I was so taken back, yeah, and and I respond to him and I said I don't know if you want to talk to me like I actually wrote a book about my wife and you weren't that great of a character in it, just so you know. Um, yeah, and he was like, yeah, it's okay, I deserve that. And he was like I'm I'm so sorry and so and, and we had, we could have a conversation and there was kindness there and I gave him a copy of my book. And you know, there was at one point in my life where I think that I think I would have hoped that what I would have presented to him would have been like my success and my accolade, but what I was able to present to him was kindness and love and openness to who he was and where he was in that moment.
Speaker 1:And that was possible because I forgave him first powerful tool because, like you said it, it takes us out of the prison because when we hold on forgiveness, we are in our own prison and that frees us and then we're able to be to offer love and offer that, extend that vulnerability and be able to, like you had with with him.
Speaker 2:That's so beautiful and I'm sure he was really touched by that yeah, I think, and there's also like if I would have needed closure before he was ready. The thing is, when we need closure before the other person is ready and maybe we're trying to get it from them or trying to meet with them and to have that conversation of resolution more confused, more hurt, or we actually enter back into that dysfunctional, abusive relationship, and so that's why we just really have to guard against seeking closure, and I'm all about having hard conversations.
Speaker 1:Like.
Speaker 2:I. This isn't like seeking closure for the sake of healing and having a hard conversation for the sake of healing are two different things. We just really can't depend upon other people for our healing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I think when you force that closure and you're trying to talk to someone who's not ready, it's like you're asking something from someone that they can't give you because they're not at a place of where you are at to give you that, and then that would leave you disappointed, angry and, like you said, you could loop right back you that, and then that would leave you disappointed, angry and, like you said, you could loop right back into that toxic cycle in that relationship. Yeah, exactly. Well, tori, I think your story is so inspiring and I hope everybody picks up a copy of your book because it's such an encouraging message to the world, to people, about how to break our cycles. And I usually end my podcast with a few questions. One of them is what is the bravest thing that Tori has ever done?
Speaker 2:Oh, oh, oh, wow. The bravest thing I've ever done. That is such a big question. There's so many things going through my head and I'm like I think the bravest thing I've ever done is being a mom when I had no example. I think the bravest thing I've ever done is trying to pave a way for the vulnerable children coming after me, and I think it's letting people in again and again and again, despite being a hurt person. Those are the ones that pop into my head right away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's beautiful because we also, I did go skydiving once as well there you go, but you know what?
Speaker 1:but I think opening your heart once again after you being hurt is so. It is such a brave and honorable thing because you are. When we're honorable, we're opening ourselves to be hurt again. Right, because you can't love people without the possibility of them hurting you, and that's so beautiful. I'm so proud of you for that. The other thing is, is what's the? What is the best advice that someone gave you?
Speaker 2:Oh, I have such great mentors in my life. What just immediately came to me which I'm, let me just say this, because I have so many amazing mentors in my life. I've been given such amazing advice, but the one that just immediately came into my mind is humility is simply agreeing with who God says you are Nothing more and nothing less. And so I think oftentimes, especially as women and as believers, we think that humility is self-hatred. We think that humility is making less of ourselves and becoming smaller. But humility is just walking in the gifts that God has given us and not boasting about them and trying to make them more of what they are, but also definitely not making them less of what they are either.
Speaker 1:That's so good. Yeah, Instead of minimizing like, well you know, let me like have false, humble kind of approach, but just being confident in who you are and walking in that, that's so beautiful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's so simple, Like when someone says you did good at this, like say thank you, you know, don't say, oh my God, no, it's so bad, Right, or try to be like well actually, you know, I really wanted it to be like this and it's like no, just yeah, yeah, I received that, thank you.
Speaker 1:That's beautiful, like two to three pivotal books that were transformative in your life, okay, unclean.
Speaker 2:By richard beck. Blew my mind um the furious longing of god. By brennan manning and in jesus name, by henry nowen wow, those sound like all really good titles really good they're all um very much for people who are in leadership and for people who are um. They're for anybody. I'll just say they're for anybody, but also, yeah, they're just for anybody. They're great, read it. I don't want to live. I'm like no way, I don't want to live at them because I want everybody yeah, and how were they?
Speaker 1:um, like, what were some, some of the kind of shifts that you had?
Speaker 2:okay, so the book in jesus name by henry allen there is the story that. So henry allen, he does the work. He's passed now, but he um did the work that I get to do. He was a traveling christian communicator, he wrote books and he was very, very successful in what he did. And he said at one point he went to go live in a home that served adults with special needs and he walked in there and like nobody knew his accolades Nobody, like adults with special needs, don't know who he is.
Speaker 2:They don't care about like what he's written book or books, or if he's a great speaker. What they care about is if he cares about them, and that story has just been something that's always stuck with me. Like if I walk into a place where nobody knew who I was, nobody knew what I did, would they be drawn towards me because I could care for them and love them. Um, and then a serious longing of God. It's written by Brennan Manning, who um talks in in all of his books. Really he addresses God as our father. So I think that that really just changed my perspective of God and helped me see him as my father who loves me and cares for me and wants to hold me and to touch me. I grew up without a father and so I think that kind of perspective of God has been very healing in my relationship with him and helped me see myself as a daughter who's worthy of a father who's worthy of love.
Speaker 2:And then the book unclean. Is this book? It's actually by going back to psychology, it is a book by a he is a christian psychologist and he's a theologian and professor and he talks. There's a lot of psychology theory in the book. Really that's like intertwined with theology and he addresses the church and talks to them about why we are not radically hospitable, like why we keep out the poor and the vulnerable. And it's just. It's a book that when you read it you're going to really consider how you can better welcome people in and expand the boundaries that you have.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I think, having a conversation with you, I feel like I can't end this podcast without giving you an opportunity to speak in hospitality, just for like a couple seconds at least, least because you have such a big heart for hospitality and I was raised in in a place where that was such a big part too, and I think that what would you say to someone who perhaps is like wrestling with how do you start and like why do you feel hospitality is so important?
Speaker 2:my hope and my prayer is that my next book is about hospitality. I can talk all about these things. Yes, hospitality is something I'm so passionate about and that's because of Tanya and Scott and the people that led me into their home. You know, I think a lot of Christians were like let's invite people to church, which is cool, invite people to church, but then don't peace out on Sundays. There's this verse in 1 Thessalonians but then don't peace out on Sunday. Uh, there's this verse in first Thessalonians and it says um, we did not.
Speaker 2:We loved you so much that we did not just tell you about the gospel of God, but we invited you into our lives as well and, like you know, love is hospitality, love is welcoming people in.
Speaker 2:Love is opening doors for people and creating safe spaces for them. Um, for me, like I came to Christ not just by being invited to church, but by being invited into people's lives and homes, my life was radically changed by people's ordinary love in their homes, and so I think oftentimes people look at me, especially when I go to, like youth events and I'll speak to youth and I'll encourage youth, and they're like I want to be a speaker like you, I want to be an author like you, and I'm like I actually wish I could show people more of my ordinary life, like I wish sometimes that was the more public thing, because it's like this is something we can actually all do, and I actually think it's more powerful is inviting people into our home and it's more accessible. It's more accessible, it's more powerful and that's inviting people into our home, sitting with them, listening to them and loving them right where they are.
Speaker 1:Beautiful. Well, where can people find you and find a copy of your book?
Speaker 2:Yes, okay, you can order my book anywhere. It comes out February 4th. If this podcast comes out in the pre-order phase, please pre-order it, because pre-orders are really important for authors and you can get it anywhere. Books are sold Amazon, barnes, noble Books, a Million and you can follow me on Instagram, tiktok, facebook. My handle is Tori Hope Peterson and Peterson is S-E-N, not S-O-N.
Speaker 1:There you go, and the book is called Breaking the Patterns that Break you. Tori, thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure having you on here.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Once we Dare podcast. It is an honor to share these encouraging stories with you. If you enjoy the show, I would love for you to tell your friends. Leave us a reviewer rating and subscribe to wherever you listen to podcasts, because this helps others discover the show. You can find me on my website, speckhopoffcom. Thank you.