Episode 57 Exploring Relationship Success ~ Conversations with Whitney Walker
Have you ever found yourself questioning the essence of relationships, relationship success, and spirituality? In this episode of Relationship Diversity Podcast, I have a conversation with Whitney Walker, a licensed marriage and family therapist, where we talk about what defines relationship success. We also explore relationship identity and look at how spirituality can bring a different lens to how we see ourselves in our intimate relationships.
Whitney's expertise in addictions, eating disorders, trauma and spirituality, combined with her personal experiences, form an insightful awareness that showcases the transformative power of therapy and spirituality in our relationships and personal identities.
We talk about reclaiming self-worth, overcoming addiction, and understanding the inherent role of unconditional love in successful relationships. We delve into the power of couples therapy and the platform it provides for individuals to express their needs, ultimately transforming the way they perceive and nurture their relationships.
Please note: I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, counselor, or social worker. I am not attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any physical, mental, or emotional issue, disease, or condition. The information provided in or through my podcast is not intended to be a substitute for the professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment provided by your own Medical Provider or Mental Health Provider. Always seek the advice of your own Medical Provider and/or Mental Health Provider regarding any questions or concerns you have about your specific circumstance.
Episode 57 Exploring Relationship Success ~ Conversations with Whitney Walker
Have you ever found yourself questioning the essence of relationships, relationship success, and spirituality? In this episode of Relationship Diversity Podcast, I have a conversation with Whitney Walker, a licensed marriage and family therapist, where we talk about what defines relationship success. We also explore relationship identity and look at how spirituality can bring a different lens to how we see ourselves in our intimate relationships.
Whitney's expertise in addictions, eating disorders, trauma and spirituality, combined with her personal experiences, form an insightful awareness that showcases the transformative power of therapy and spirituality in our relationships and personal identities.
We talk about reclaiming self-worth, overcoming addiction, and understanding the inherent role of unconditional love in successful relationships. We delve into the power of couples therapy and the platform it provides for individuals to express their needs, ultimately transforming the way they perceive and nurture their relationships.
Please note: I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, counselor, or social worker. I am not attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any physical, mental, or emotional issue, disease, or condition. The information provided in or through my podcast is not intended to be a substitute for the professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment provided by your own Medical Provider or Mental Health Provider. Always seek the advice of your own Medical Provider and/or Mental Health Provider regarding any questions or concerns you have about your specific circumstance.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity, from solaramary to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships, to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, Keri Jarislow. Bestselling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become. Today's episode is part of our conversation series. I'm just one voice in this relationship diversity movement and it's important to bring more unique perspectives into the conversation.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Today I'll be talking with Whitney Walker about personal and relationship identity, relationship success and how she brings spirituality into her therapy work with individuals and couples. But first a little about her. Whitney Walker is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in addictions, eating disorder, trauma and spirituality. She also works as a recovery coach and spiritual guide. Whitney opened a private practice in the California Bay Area where she sees clients, couples and families. Whitney incorporates spiritual concepts into her work, including the return of the divine feminine to our world and moving from a place of fear to love, releasing self-destruction and rejection to embrace unconditional self-love and acceptance. These ideas form the concept of women waking her business and vision for the future. Whitney created the Women Waking Podcast, a holistic guide to wellness and abundant self-love, along with accompanying YouTube channel.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Now let's get into the conversation. Hello everyone and welcome to this episode of Relationship Diversity Podcast. I've got a wonderful guest for you today. I've got Whitney Walker, who is here. We are going to talk about, i think, one of my favorite topics, which is defining what success looks like in relationship. Because of Whitney's strengths, we're going to bring in the flair of this spirituality and how that can influence and color the idea of success in relationships, and so much more. We're going to flow With that. Welcome, whitney, to the podcast.
Whitney Walker:
Thank you so much, Carrie. Thank you for having me on your show.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yeah, i'm so happy and excited to get into this conversation and I'd love to start with you telling us a little bit about yourself and how you got into the work that you do.
Whitney Walker:
Thank you. Well, i am from California. I grew up in the Bay Area. I grew up my dad is a psychiatrist. My mom is a ballet teacher and stay-at-home mom. I grew up a lot around. My dad was a musician music, but also being a psychiatrist. I heard a lot about psychology and mental health and all of that. I was interested in that from a young age. Then, when I hit middle school, I started facing some problems, some issues, some self-consciousness. I was very awkward and considered the ugly duckling. So I got bullied a lot. I quickly turned to unhealthy means to deal with those feelings.
Whitney Walker:
I developed an eating disorder By the time I was 14, my mom struggles with anorexia. She has for most of her life and still does. That was another thing I was aware of. I was aware of my dad's involved in psychiatry. That's mental health. What is that? I would learn about that. But then I would see my mom and I knew something was going on. I had a lot of awareness but not quite understanding about all these things. Then I hit this eating disorder. That was just brutal. Eating disorders are really fascinating is that? you almost just stumble into it and then it's like this bomb that you can't get out of. It's like you fall into this pit and you're like how do I get out of this? You're trying to climb out. I was in a cycle of binge eating and purging and restricting that lasted for 15 years. Then, around the same time, i developed a substance abuse issue. I began abusing alcohol. I would never have said that when I was in high school.
Whitney Walker:
I thought I was just quote unquote just having fun and trying to party and be a wild child, but I would drink whatever I could get my hands on. I would often black out and I just saw that as being wild and reckless. I realized that I was doing it because what I see now is I had no regard for myself. I really didn't value myself. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I didn't feel like I was everyone else. I thought everyone else was worthy. The girls that were pretty and the girls that had boyfriends and were popular. Those were the real people. I was this sort of janky version of a human. It was so uncomfortable to sit with that feeling and that belief. I turned to food and I turned to substances, but I was deeply unhappy and deeply insecure. It made life very difficult. I made my way through and I went to college and all of that. And things got better in college in terms of I wasn't bullied, i wasn't called out for how I looked anymore, but the damage was done.
Whitney Walker:
I do a lot of work in trauma. I'm a mental health therapist now. That's my current profession. I specialize in addiction, eating disorders, trauma. Isn't it funny how some of our greatest challenges become the gift offered to the world. Anyone who hears that and is in it right now, please know that so often, whatever you're struggling with will one day be almost a badge of honor that you can then say I have been there too and you can help others. I wish I had known that when I was going through all the grief that I went through. I went to college and things got better, but I was deep in my soul. I just felt so disconnected from myself and from any sense of worth or value That just kept on going and my substance use escalated through my 20s into my late 20s until I finally, at 29, hit this wall right when I turned 29.
Whitney Walker:
No-transcript, you're going down a pretty dark path. You make promises to yourself and then you go out drinking and you break all of them. You say that you won't drink this much or that you won't black out or you won't drive drunk or you won't make these poor decisions and sleep around, but yet you keep doing that And I kind of looked at myself in the mirror and said is this the woman you want to be? Because I always visualize myself as this very graceful, classy, intelligent, strong woman. That was a good example for others, and that was why one of my greatest motivators was I would love to inspire people who are where I was.
Whitney Walker:
I want to give people hope, and at that point I thought how can I do that? Every time I drank, i was so deep in my own pain that I couldn't see past that, and you can't help others if you're so stuck in your pain. So I made a choice. I said well, i don't know quite what to do, but I can tell you, what's not helping me is drinking. It's not helping me to get where I want to go, and that's for me. I mean, it's different for everybody, but it just did not mix well with me. And so I quit and I gave up drinking right then and there, and I haven't had a drink since. That was July 31st, so almost in 2014. So what that's?
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yeah, we're getting over nine years.
Whitney Walker:
But then I replaced drinking with pills because I thought, well, i have to do something, i can't just be sober And I can't just feel things. That's scary. So then I developed a pill addiction which really got me sober, like actually got me off of all things, because it was terrifying to get hooked on prescription drugs. It's what it does to your body and your mind. Whew, it's a gnarly, gnarly thing to be dependent on something that strongly.
Whitney Walker:
So once I had to go through that withdrawal experience after, i think I was on pills for about six months and that's when I really came to my knees and realized it's not just drugs, it's not just food or alcohol. It's a deep soul problem, a deep soul deficiency that I'm feeling, deep disconnect that's going on here. So from there I started what I call the long walk back to myself, where I had to admit I have to find a way to embrace who I am, because the real problem is not the drugs or alcohol, it's that I don't wanna be me, but here I am and this is what I have to work with and I have to see if I can find a way to love and accept that person. And it's a long road and to anyone who's listening, who's in that space, because I literally remember feeling like I was. So they say that they call it the silver cord.
Whitney Walker:
It's the thing that tethers your soul to your body is what they say, and I felt as if my soul had floated 100 miles away from my body, that I no longer felt connected to a sense of love because to me, the soul is that which envelops you in love and a sense of knowing that you are okay, that you are worthy, that you are a part of the divine. I felt so far from that feeling at all, and so I began the work to get back to myself And to bring it up to speed. that's what led me to say, okay, i need to be a therapist because I want to bring this to others. I want to help others know that you can find your way back to yourself, that you can feel good about who you are, that it's your inherent right to know that you are a soul, that you are of infinite worth and value, no matter what, no matter how you look or where you came from or anything like that, that you are of value and that you do belong here, there is a place for you and you can enjoy life and feel good about who you are.
Whitney Walker:
I think that's an epidemic in our world. Most people don't feel very good about who they are. We're stuck in comparison. we're stuck in self-loathing, self, self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, all of these things And so I really started thinking. the reason I started my podcast and beyond just doing therapy was I kept thinking why is our world like this? Why are so many of us self-destructing like I was? Why are so many of us destroying ourselves? Why don't we like ourselves? And I think that there's something going on here that I believe can be changed, that we don't have to live this way.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Right, right, the disconnect from the truth of who we are. I believe we're born in this perfection, right, I think? perfection in terms of connection to self and knowing what our needs are. Right, They might be very basic, Of course, when we're a child our needs are to be fed, to be loved, to be cared for. But we know what they are and we know that we're worthy of it, because we cry and we ask for it.
Carrie Jeroslow:
And it is this process of forgetting, like forgetting our truth, to then go through what you were talking about, which I always talk about as like a remembering, remembering of who we truly are, remembering and kind of calling our soul back to us. And so I wanna ask you, because I have been through that process as well, although the circumstances look different and it is a windy road that is almost roller coaster-like, and there are highs and lows and times when you go into tunnels and you can't see what's ahead of you and you never think you'll get there. And so what would you say? the most inspirational moment that you had, that was a part of your reclamation of your truth, or a practice that you did that really helped to get you there.
Whitney Walker:
That's such a great question.
Whitney Walker:
There are definitely lots of little ones along the way, little revelations that you have with each step of the healing process, and it's interesting how life works in that when I started to pursuit of becoming a therapist, all the schooling to become a therapist is doing your own therapy, the everything learned, the coursework you do.
Whitney Walker:
You also seek out I sought out therapy, of course, getting sober and such, but I learned along the way and you have these light bulb moments And a lot of them had to do with the idea that there was something greater than myself and that I was preoccupied with myself because of my trauma, that I felt that no one else was gonna care for me or that I didn't matter So I need to be hyper-vigilantly focused on my wellbeing.
Whitney Walker:
And little things began to show me and bring me a greater awareness that it's okay to open your scope a little bit, to begin to open yourself to life, to not be so afraid and preoccupy yourself in these little dramas. I often say that addictions a part of the appeal of them whether it's love addiction or sex addiction or drug addiction, part of what's appealing about it is it becomes almost its own little micro world, your own little mini drama where you don't have to deal with real life because you're busy with this. But when you start to disengage from that and open yourself fully to life, you see that there's so much more than meets the eye, so much more than the things that we thought were what mattered.
Whitney Walker:
So when I got sober I started doing 12 step work for a while And there's a term there that it's a spiritual awakening, that you will reach a state of spiritual awakening, And I remember reading that and I was like that's weird, Like that sounds like a weird, like religious thing. I wasn't into it. But, sure enough, as I started working this program they have really good points and good messaging in there and I started literally feeling myself open, more opening my understanding, And that was a turning point When I was able to get out of my own pain and look bigger. I tapped into a greater wisdom. I tapped into the ability to see things from a new perspective and opening to life.
Whitney Walker:
That's what I would call spiritual awakening is just an opening up to everything. that's always been there, right? Everything that exists in the universe is always accessible to us, but we don't believe in our power or ability, so we stay small. But when you start to open up, you think, oh, wow, there's actually a lot here to see. So that was a big turning point for me when I realized, okay, like, there's actually a lot here And I don't have to focus just on my deficits and my trauma and my pain. I can work with those and give love to those, have compassion for myself or what I went through, but I don't have to stay stuck in it. I can work and heal and move forward. And that's when my spiritual awakening really did was start to see things bigger. but it also allowed me to just have a different understanding of life. I, like a lot of people, felt like being born into this world was a bit of a sort of a sentence, if you will.
Whitney Walker:
I don't wanna say prison sentence, but kind of It's like okay, well, I was supposed to be pretty, I'm not that. I was supposed to be this, I'm not that. So then, what am I? What am I supposed to do with myself? But then I realized that I can actually make life whatever I want it to be And I don't have to fit into these boxes and these established pathways. I can go my own way and see what that might be.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yeah, that's why I know there's a big movement on this spiritual but not religious right, because religion will tend to say this is in order to be a good, whatever religion, these are the rules that you follow, these are the boxes that you sit in, and my experience with spirituality has been that it is almost like I talk about relationship. Diversity is that it is unique. Spirituality is purely your experience. It is not my experience. It's not my experience of spirituality telling you it should be this way. It is your own experience And therefore it opens up to just whatever it is for you and a continual exploration, evolution of your own experience. And so I know that you are a licensed marriage and family therapist, and yet you bring that spirituality aspect into it. How do you bring that aspect into your practice and into your work?
Whitney Walker:
Well, bring it into almost every facet. I would say, at this point in my life I only see everything as spiritual. Life is a spiritual experience And again that was a part of my pivotal, revolutionary moment was this is truly a divine place where everything it comes from love and everything is in perfection, and again, there's so much more than meets the eye, and so When it comes to bringing it into my practice, it's I mean, of course, i'm gentle with it, because you have to meet people where they're at.
Whitney Walker:
So some people are very logical and they are. I call it I don't mean it to sound anyway but some people are very rooted in this world stuff, like the way planet Earth, this is how life is. I don't feel that way so much. I feel like we've kind of created confines to our understanding of reality that our can be ever changing. Yeah Right, that life is change, that's the right. they say. the only constant is change.
Whitney Walker:
But at this time especially, i think a lot of people are holding on very tightly to keep things the way they are and not have to break free from what feels familiar and what feels like it kind of leaves life to make sense, quote unquote. But to me, what makes life makes sense now is keeping us caged in Almost the way that you described the switch from religion to spirituality. I would say that if spirituality is a cloth and religion tries to cut out a piece of the cloth and say this piece is the truth and nothing outside, but you can't cut a piece. It's infinite. really, spirituality never ends. So it's the same for people who want to try to make sense of life with how it is right now You have to allow for it to change.
Whitney Walker:
So that's what I try to offer people very gently. I meet them where they're at, but I try to offer concepts that they might not even see as spirituality. To me, spirituality is just your essence, your expression and your understanding and beliefs about life and the values and beliefs that you carry into life. It's what do you believe everything is made up of, what does it mean? What has importance? What matters to you?
Whitney Walker:
That's your spirituality, that's your spirit coming into actuality, you expressed as a part of a divine universe.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yeah, I love that Spirituality.
Whitney Walker:
And so what I found people really resonate with is the idea that they are okay just as they are, that they don't have to meet these certain expectations, that they're not who their parents told them they were. They're not who their peers told them they were, or their siblings, or how people they've worked for have told them. They are what they feel inside. They are the things that they are passionate about, that they care about. That is who they are. What I like to ask my clients and always throws them off guard is I ask well, who are you? It's one of the first questions They'll be like well, who are you? And they'll say what? And everyone said that's a weird question. What do you mean? What's your question? Who are you? And they're like I don't know what you want me to say. And they're like well, i'm a mom, i'm a teacher, and I'll say no, those are your roles, right, those are your titles.
Whitney Walker:
If you took off all your hats, your mom hat, your employee hat, your daughter hat, all these different titles you have. Who would you be? And they're like I don't know. I don't know what that means. So that in itself, i think, shows one of the fundamental problems right now with humanity is that we don't take the time to ask the most important questions, which are who am I And what is my purpose? Because that's saying am I And what is my? what's coming forth from me?
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yes, exactly, and I had an experience where I worked for Blue Man Group for 12 years And when I left that job, i left it by choice And still, when I left it I did not know I had a huge identity crisis, especially because I had a lot of clout in that job And people found out what I did is the reaction of people like, oh my god, you did that And so it became my identity, and when I was just well, i'm just Carrie, that was a huge identity crisis And I think that that was maybe my second spiritual awakening. Meaning when I talk about my first spiritual awakening, it is that moment where I realize that I am more than just my physical body. I am more than that. I don't know what that is, but I know that I'm more than that And the labels, i think, keep us in this body about identity.
Carrie Jeroslow:
So I love that, and what I say in this podcast a lot is know who you are, to know what you want, because if you don't know who you are, you will not and you have all of the coverings of the expectations and the programming of how you've been brought up, specifically in terms of relationships. You don't know what you want, and so that uncovering. And then, when you get into relationships where you're not being your true self, you're not getting what you need. It feels off, but you don't know how to express it, and then you feel unsuccessful in your relationship. And so that leads me to the question and the topic that I want to talk about with you is this idea of success in relationships. As a marriage therapist, what do you see people struggle with when they're looking at their relationships, their marriages, in this context?
Whitney Walker:
It actually brings you back to what we were discussing before, which is giving the distinction of religion versus spirituality, And you use the word that you know there's. did you use the word confines, or you're speaking to something about religion, And to me, the word that came to mind that I think of often is the word conditional.
Whitney Walker:
So, religion, it's like well, you have to do this and you need to do this. There's all these rules and regulations. To me, the universe knows nothing about rules and regulations. It's a perfect, functioning thing that just allows for everything. There's no start and stops, no right and wrongs. We've made all that up. I believe the same thing exists in relationships and that we try very hard, just almost like with religion, to make a relationship into religion, where it's like this is how it has to be And it has to look like this and it has to work like this. Otherwise it's not right and it's not good. And I'm not saying that an abusive relationship. we can't really do that.
Whitney Walker:
That's not what I'm talking about, but I'm saying that we do not allow for love to be unconditional, then we are having it in conditional terms, which is not really love. I would venture to say, when we love someone conditionally, that's not love. You can regard someone, you could be fond of them, but if you decided that your love can be turned on and off, that's not love, because love, again, by nature, is something that just is. I've heard that love doesn't happen by degrees. It either is or it isn't. It's either there or it's not. It's not like well, i love them, but I really love them. It's all. It's just love, because love is just a complete, whole state of being So.
Whitney Walker:
I think that the problem most people have is that they say, yeah, i want to fall deeply in love with somebody, i want to experience the most profound experience of love.
Whitney Walker:
But then they get into it And with all of our own insecurities, which come out so powerfully in relationships, more than any other right, i often say that I love that quote that says all's fair and love and war, because you get into a relationship and all of a sudden there's no holds barred, that we have friendships and they can be very close, but you're not relying on your friends for your emotional well-being, you're not relying on your friends to help you to feel secure and safe.
Whitney Walker:
There's so much going on in a relationship that brings up all your deepest yearnings, all your childhood fears and hang ups and unmet needs, so these are all on the table, and so our biggest challenge is that we start asking somebody often to fix us, to attend to our wounds, to do these things for us, and we say, if you can't do it, then I don't love you.
Whitney Walker:
We're all going to face this because we're all still learning how to not operate from these places of wounding and unmet needs. The only way to do that isn't a true, healthy connection where one ideally we both already worked on the stuff that we've got going on, but then to be able to openly present it, i think what happens to most people is you just blindly kind of fumble in a relationship. Maybe you have good sex, a good time together, but you're just kind of like there's so much firing back and forth in terms of one person's attachment style and other person's trauma, and there's so much at play that it's like there's all these rules that are flying around, all these conditional terms, that it makes it so hard for a relationship to work. So I think that without intentionality, without total transparency and openness in a relationship, those are the barriers that make it so challenging to have a successful relationship.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yeah, so how would you define a successful relationship?
Whitney Walker:
Successful relationship to me is one that is based in trust, so you're able to know that you are both showing up the best that you can with these same ideas around what you're looking for and why you're doing it together. I can speak for myself now. I'm still navigating the dating world And most times that I get into a relationship, i go back, regress, into my place of insufficiency. So all I'm thinking about is are they going to approve of me, are they going to like me? Which leaves no room for actually establishing a healthy partnership right Where you're like hey, this is who I am, who are you? I'm in my worth, i'm in my value. Meet me there. Yeah, meet me. Do what I do.
Whitney Walker:
Too often There's a term that says you teach what you need to learn Totally. That's fine, right. I know that someday I will have a healthy relationship, which again, to me means you know your worth, you're standing in your strength, you're still on your healing journey, as we all are, but you're ready to say I know my value and I will not accept less. I will not do or engage in anything that dishonors myself. So when I meet someone, i'm not at the whim of whether they approve of me, accept me, decide they want to pursue me. I stand true in who I am, because then the right person, who's also in their power and in their strength, can approach you and say I see you.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yeah.
Whitney Walker:
There's another thing, kerry, that I think is so common in most relationships People do not feel seen, truly seen or truly heard, because again, we're so busy just like yelling and demanding you have to do this for me and you should have done that, and so no one actually feels seen or heard. It takes a strong presence, a strong grounding in who you are, and that's tough to get to because, let me tell you, it's kind of like addiction. People can live in addiction and unhealthy relationships and a crappy job for most of their life and they can still get by and do well.
Whitney Walker:
And then why they're not sleeping well then they're unhealthy and they're anxious and they're depressed. It's because everything is out of whack, because they haven't done the root work.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Right, definitely the work, the personal work. I know, when I met my husband, we had just gone through that process individually and we came together. We had just divorced, i had gone on a three month deepest dive ever and come out into the light and had healed this relationship that I had had with my father and healed what had happened in my childhood, and came out and everything looked different And I think that's how he and I connected. We found each other. We have spent a lot of our relationship in that place. That also, you know. Then life happens and we evolve And that's the thing is like.
Carrie Jeroslow:
The continual commitment towards intentionality can get challenging once you add some kids to it, some businesses. It is about, yes, doing the inner work. It all comes back to doing the inner work And that's why, like, for me, success in relationship is yes, am I being my true self in this relationship? Am I continually evolving? Am I taking the time to learn and grow? And there are going to be clunky times and that that is okay, but that I have my practice, that I can pull back and go oh, what's really going on?
Carrie Jeroslow:
Because, from a spiritual perspective, i do believe that my relationships are a reflection of what's going on within me, what I'm wanting to work on, you know, even if it's something that is really challenging. Maybe it's me saying like I need to have more boundaries, or I need to understand what's going on with me, or I need time on my own, or whatever it is, but it's a little peek into what's going on within me, and so I'll ask you, how would you, in your work, help, like, let's say, that there is a couple that's together and they're really struggling And they've, you know, done some work, but they're just in a tricky time. What is something that you would? how would you help them? to reconnect, i guess, or reconnect with themselves, reconnect with each other?
Whitney Walker:
Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's what I find so powerful and profound about couples therapy is that there's an amazing difference than when, because sometimes I have a client that's complaining about their marital issues and I'll say, well, let's do a spouse session. That's where you know you're seeing someone individually, but you bring their spouse into do session And they say, well, i don't know how they'll be any different. And I say, well, when you're two people just fighting on your own, you're just reacting. Nobody's really speeding because you're both just firing. But when you have the platform to each have your own spotlight, to talk and again to be heard and to state and to actually you know if you're in with a therapist and what your spouse is talking, then you just have to sit there and listen. You can't interject the way that you would in a two way conversation, so then you can actually have the sense of being heard, which is going to feel good.
Whitney Walker:
Your spouse here and say, okay, i hear what you're saying. You're saying that you need more time to yourself. You're saying that you would like us to spend more time together. But also, what I love to do with clients, carrie, is to point out that this can be a strong visual and a strong concept that helps people see what they need in their relationship.
Whitney Walker:
When you look at a relationship, it's one partner, the other partner, and then the relationship is its own entity. It's created by people's energy. Right, that's why I always say that breakups are so hard, because when we meet somebody, we literally create a code of existence together. It's a force, it's the beautiful merging of two souls. But when you break up, you take it back and it's gone. And that's why there's just this whole, this awful feeling when you end a relationship because something was born and something died between you. Yeah, so painful, but when you are together and it's, you're contributing to it. when I pointed out, that way you can say okay, you're having issues. which part is in deficit? What's needing attention? Does the husband need time to himself? Is he feeling a lack? Is the wife feeling that she needs something? Or is it the relationship itself that's not being tended to. Where is the pain point Right? I'm trying to help identify what the focus needs to be on.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yeah, i love that And that makes me want to kind of journal about that within my own relationships of where is the deficit, because I hadn't thought about it in that way. So that's really helpful And if you're listening and you happen to be in a relationship that is possibly struggling in one way or another, try that little exercise and see what you come up with, because I can see how identification and I always say awareness, awareness gives us the place to move forward. If we don't have awareness, we're just blindly reacting, like you were saying, and awareness gives us a moment, even in the context of, maybe, an argument, where I say, oh okay, i have an awareness that a need is. This argument is coming up because a need is not being met, and where does that need fall? Can that can really help.
Whitney Walker:
Exactly, exactly. And another quick example I'd like to give because it's kind of illuminates what I'm speaking to is how can I identify? I had a couple of ones who were best friends, had a thriving, beautiful relationship most of the time, but the husband had been married and divorced And the wife thought that all their problems were related to the ex-wife. And the more that we talked about it, it showed that there wasn't as many problems as so much that the wife was very insecure about carrying herself. And so when I made that example, i was able to gently offer to her that, if you look at this, your husband can't do anything about this. He can't reach into your heart and make you see what he sees, which is that he loves you and wants to be with you. Because her fear was you still have feelings for your ex, you love term war, which is that's relationships can be so hard in that regard, right, because those are difficult things. And then it was like so you can see that, doesn't? your husband can't attend to that other than within.
Carrie Jeroslow:
The relationship.
Whitney Walker:
all you can do is see the power of your unique relationship, But the problem you're having can only be resolved in this place, which is you.
Carrie Jeroslow:
That's what you have to do here?
Whitney Walker:
Yeah, sometimes it's one of the individuals, but sometimes it's in the relationship zone, right, if there's a challenge with intimacy you guys need to spend more time together. You guys need to have designated time where you're sharing intimacy together.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Yeah, wow, such helpful advice for me. I'm always learning when I'm doing these and learn what the things that I want to try in my own relationships. So you've been. You've dropped so many amazing tips to help us do better, be better within ourselves and within our relationships, and so how can people connect with you? What's the best way for people to reach out? They feel resonant with your message and they want to learn more.
Whitney Walker:
Absolutely The best way to find me is on Instagram at womenwaken. That's a fun way to connect and kind of learn about my community and my podcast, which you can find links for womenwaken podcast on Apple and Spotify. But if you find me on Instagram and you add me on there, you can send me a direct message And I love doing pulling a tarot or Oracle cards. I'm involved with my audience or people who are interested and resonate with my work. I'm a tarot reader and I find that to be a beautiful resource for really communing with the divine, to getting that greater guidance and insight for people. So I'd love to connect with anyone who hears this.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Oh, i love that. I am a tarot reader too And I do feel like, yeah, i feel like it is that one way of connecting with or learning just about the bigger picture and getting out of. It's one of the energy techniques that I use to just give me some broader guidance when I feel really stuck in my own head. So that is awesome. Please connect with Whitney everyone. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us here at Relationship Diversity Podcast. And everyone, please go connect with Whitney on Instagram and join her community. Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity podcast. Want to learn more about relationship diversity? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you. Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get your sent right to you. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to the podcast. You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together. The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do, the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships.
Carrie Jeroslow:
New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my website, carryjarrislowcom, instagram or TikTok. Stay curious. Every relationship is as unique as you are? Are you feeling stuck or unfulfilled in your intimate relationship? Do all your relationships end in the same way? Do you feel like you've lost the spark in your current relationship? Can you never even find one person who you want to explore a relationship with? If you answered yes to any of those questions, or sick and tired of feeling like a failure in your relationships and desperately desire different experience, then my 8-week deep reprogramming intensive may be the answer for you.
Carrie Jeroslow:
In this program, i work individually with you for 8 transformative weeks. We'll identify the subconscious programming that's keeping you stuck and shift it to a new, affirming belief systems. We go deep, we get real. We get results. This is healing unlike anything you've ever experienced before.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Here's what people are saying. Jordan from North Carolina said more has shifted in 8 weeks of working with Carrie than 10 years of psychotherapy. Jane from Sanford, north Carolina, said it's honestly changed my life. And Cassie from Santa Barbara, california, said Carrie's laser precision in helping me diagnose where the stuck energy was helped me make positive movement in our first session alone absolutely transformational. I love being a guide and witness to these courageous people who claim that they were done with their past experiences and ready for something different. I'm opening a limited number of spots for 2023 and would love to help you permanently transform your relationship experience To set up a free 30 minute clarity call where I'll help you uncover your number one block to fulfilling relationships. Connect with me through the link in the show notes. You are worthy of experiencing deep fulfillment and love in your relationships. This intensive work will help you get there.
