When the lines between love and limits blur, how do we draw the map that guides our families through the terrain of respect and personal space? Come along with me, as I share my heartfelt encounters from the frontlines of motherhood. As a teen mom transformed into a mother of boys with a decade between them, I've seen the boundaries shift under my feet. This episode is an honest narrative of my parenting evolution, a story not just of setting limits but of knowing when to redraw them.
Navigating the emotional labyrinth of family relations often means facing the Minotaur of toxicity, and I'm no stranger to the challenge. I delve into the art of declining favors from those with whom our bonds are frayed and offer a glimpse into my own struggles with distant relatives who pop up only in times of need. We'll laugh at the irony of discovering ancient bones and the dusty, forgotten branches of our family tree, and groove to the beat of "We Are Family," embracing the harmony and discord of our nearest and dearest. Join me in a conversation that celebrates the balance between holding tight and letting go, all within the embrace of family.
When the lines between love and limits blur, how do we draw the map that guides our families through the terrain of respect and personal space? Come along with me, as I share my heartfelt encounters from the frontlines of motherhood. As a teen mom transformed into a mother of boys with a decade between them, I've seen the boundaries shift under my feet. This episode is an honest narrative of my parenting evolution, a story not just of setting limits but of knowing when to redraw them.
Navigating the emotional labyrinth of family relations often means facing the Minotaur of toxicity, and I'm no stranger to the challenge. I delve into the art of declining favors from those with whom our bonds are frayed and offer a glimpse into my own struggles with distant relatives who pop up only in times of need. We'll laugh at the irony of discovering ancient bones and the dusty, forgotten branches of our family tree, and groove to the beat of "We Are Family," embracing the harmony and discord of our nearest and dearest. Join me in a conversation that celebrates the balance between holding tight and letting go, all within the embrace of family.
Welcome to the gag is podcast with me, your host, charlie Shante, where I share the roller coaster of my life the highs, the lows and everything in between, after becoming a teen mom at 14 and a widow by the age of 21,. It's a journey filled with tears and laughter, reminding you that even in the toughest moments, there's hope. The gag is life may be unpredictable, but it's always worth living. Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of the gag is podcast. I am your girl, charlie Shante. Thank you for coming back and kicking it with me for another week. I am so glad you are here.
Speaker 1:
We got a good topic today. I mean this one right here. This one is a doozy. I am it. You know, we hear, you know. I'm saying we hear, you know, we family, and I think we need to talk about boundaries within our families because you know why? Because sometimes folks get a little besieged in sales and we gotta, we gotta bring it back in. So today we're going to talk about boundaries with your kids, because I am a mom, boundaries with your kids and boundaries with your family, because I think sometimes, you know, let's just go, we're just gonna jump right into it. We just, we're just gonna jump into it. I think family, sometimes you try to give your family a pass because they are your family, right? And you try to get your kids a pass because they your kids. But just because of the relationship, does that make it okay to like let people come in and disrespect your boundaries, disrespect you, disrespect your face? Not at frequent, not at all. So I want to start with my first topic, which is boundaries with the kids.
Speaker 1:
Now, y'all know I've said previously that there's a 10 year age difference between my youngest and my oldest. So in turn, my parenting style is way, way different from when it was with the oldest compared to with the youngest. Like with the oldest, you know, we kind of grew up together because I was a teen mom, I had him when I was 14, you know. So we kind of grew up together, you know. So I didn't know anything about boundaries. I know how to spell it, but I know what it was a boundary like in a parking spot boundary Is that what you mean? So like there was no clear cut definition of what to me, there was no clear cut definition of you know what a boundary was. I didn't realize what like a boundary was until later on, down the road, you know, I found out what a boundary is.
Speaker 1:
You know how do you establish it, like you know what it. Once you figure out what it is like, how do you establish? Do you establish it in the beginning? Do you establish it in the middle? Do you establish it when things come up? Or, like, how do you go about establishing it?
Speaker 1:
You know my kids are my greatest gift ever, greatest, greatest gift ever. But sometimes I want to ask God, what about me? When you looked at me, you said, oh, let's look at Charlie, let's, let's look at her. She gonna be a boy mom. I think she can handle it. You know, it's a little rough, it's a little tough. I think she can handle it. Homegirl got it. No, homegirl don't got it, cuz this is the get to the yeah To. You know, I think, since I was a tomboy, I think this is my karma. But it's cool Because I like my boys, I can be rough with them, I can be tough with them.
Speaker 1:
So I kind of, I kind of get it. I kind of get it a little bit, you know, you know, the big one, the little one, the little one. I say, like, my inside joke is. I think he has a sketchbook and he put it out every day. He's gonna he be like what can I mark off my lip? What can I mark on my list today for my mama? This one ain't good. It got to be something real good. Okay, because you know, of course I'm a boy mom and I walk into my son's room and it smells like the gas station bathroom in there.
Speaker 1:
Hmm, but boundaries with kids. So, like I said, there is a 10 year age difference between my oldest and my youngest, so I Don't parent them the same. So, like by the time my oldest there was 10, turning 10. Then I had a new baby and so I've only gotten a chance to raise them together for roughly about 10, for about 10 years. So the first 10 years it was just my first child, the second 10 years it was Both kids. And now I'm on the opposite side where it's just the little child and the big one comes home from time to time, but I'm not actively Raising them together. So the boundaries are a little different. The big one does tell the little one all the time Amen, I've been there, I done that, just gone, hit and listen, cuz you ain't going in, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like that is so sweet, like he's given his Little brother the best advice ever, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:
And Sometimes I think he just be like nah, that's how she treated you, she ain't gonna treat me that way. And then when I have to treat him that way, he be looking curries, he be like Dang. I ain't think she'd ever treat me like this. Yes, sir, you're not, you're not immune. I had to take you there with you, my boy With Marco Polo.
Speaker 1:
It's kind of weird because, like I said, we kind of grew up together and so, as I've gotten older, as he's gotten older, we, we, we've kind of butt heads a little bit. And it's a no fault of our own, you know we, like I said, we grew up together, so I didn't establish the, the child, the parent, child Relationship boundaries. I was just like, okay, this is how this is gonna go and we just kind of flow. You know I was always in the parent role but you know, I feel like there was a cross between I'm the parent, but I also wanted to be his little friend. You know, our parents should always say I ain't one of your little friends, but in this instance I wanted to be his little friend, so that in turn was a good thing, but it ended up being a bad thing too, because then when boundaries would be crossed, then I would have to set the expectation from parent to child and then it was kind of like dang mom being mean. You know, mom has to be me, mom has to set the ground rules down, because Marco Polo ain't listening.
Speaker 1:
And now that he's an adult, you know it's it gets a little bit more difficult because, since he is an adult and he does live on his own, I've had to, I have to impose, like adult boundaries. Like, if that makes sense. You know, it's kind of like when you come to my house, this is my house, I have my rules in my house, what you do over there, choke, where you stay, like that's totally your business. However, like our communication style is good, but we still have Boundaries within our relationship you know they're not the best solid Seem into informed boundaries. However, we are still working to Create those boundaries and not make not only making sure the boundaries there, but also making sure that the boundary is healthy, because you can have boundaries, but if they're not healthy boundaries, I'm like what good is it doing you none and it's not doing you any good. So I want to, I want to. So we're continuing to work to make sure that we're establishing healthy boundaries, now with new face.
Speaker 1:
I Feel like every time I make a boundary with him, like he secretly goes behind me with an eraser and like, erases every little piece of boundary because there's ain't no way, ain't no way, ain't no way. Like this dude, like sweetest kid, sweetest dude, smart, intelligent, very caring, but the boy, the boy thought off. The boy is thought off, I tell you. I think he in his room with a book every day, like what can I do To get up under mama's skin today? I Mean, but I love my baby with all my heart and I hate, I hate having to impose boundaries with him, because he's so sweet and he doesn't mess up often. So when I have to put the foot down, it's like you know the, and then the, the boundaries with him up.
Speaker 1:
For a long time, up until a few years ago, he slept in my bed. He slept in my bed. Now, this is not because of any fault of his own. This had to do because he has suffered from a great deal of Medical problems and in dealing with those medical problems. It has caused me a many times to have him co-sleep with me, just so I can make sure he's okay, or the nights that we spent at the hospital. You know we were Kind of co-sleeping, or he was sleeping with me or I was holding him, and so it became a little bit harder to set that you can't sleep with mommy any more.
Speaker 1:
Boundary, but, like I said, no fault of his own and no fault of my own as well, and it just makes it a little bit harder. Sometimes he is immune on compromise, so there still are days or nights that he will come and lay in here because he gets Very, very sick and I do have to keep an eye on him, like last week. And when I tell you, when I tell your girl and getting no sleep, I was like, oh my gosh, he rolled up and I hold a blanket. I was like, see, we not been to do this, my boy, we not Fend to do this. But nonetheless, like I said in my previous, in my previous episodes this year, I'm working on my relationship with my kids. So that's going to be setting healthy boundaries with them, setting healthy expectations with them.
Speaker 1:
Feel as though, as parents. We have to be okay having those hard conversations. It doesn't feel good, but the conversations that we have to have now so that in the long run we don't run into situations. Yes, every child and parent is going to have a disagreement, but the extent of the agreement doesn't have to be rough, it doesn't have to be toxic. It doesn't have to be toxic, it doesn't have to be yelling and screaming. I Want to foster Relationships with my children where they can come and talk to me and we can sit down and we can have a rational conversation. We can talk things out without Victim blaming, without pointing fingers and without yelling and raising our voice at each other. We have to understand that two people are never going to agree. To adults, to kids, no matter the relationship, you're not going to agree. However, the way you approach the situation and the outcomes and things that you set, the expectations that you set for the outcome, can be affected greatly if you approach the situation the wrong way.
Speaker 1:
I am very guilty of this. There are times where my children have tried to approach me and try to work through a problem with me and, instead of meeting them with an open mind, I have met them with no, why would you do that? You're not thinking all the way and kind of just blaming them For not knowing any better, but it's kind of like they know better, but they may not have known all the way better. They want their reassurance from you. I've gotten better about. Instead of going on the defense, I Sit back, I listen and I understand what it is that they're telling me, because when our kids come and talk to you think they always want something from you and and like I said, I'm guilty of this too, but sometimes they don't want anything at all. They do. They don't need you to help them find a solution. They just want you to listen sometimes, and then they may be open to some feedback, whatever your opinion was, and if they need the help, they will ask for the help.
Speaker 1:
I've had to learn with Marco Polo that instead of just offering my help, I Need to find out if he needs my help, because if I continue to volunteer my help, then eventually I'm gonna get burned out and then I'm gonna be like well, why you're not doing this for yourself? Well, I never gave him the opportunity to do it for himself, so how can he do something for himself when I never gave him the opportunity. Instead of trying to always salvage and be the fixer with my kids, I've had to learn to allow them to make very small mistakes so that they could learn From those mistakes. That's a boundary that I set with them that I would allow them to Make the simple mistakes, though, so that they can learn and understand. Then we can sit down, we can talk about it, lay it all out and see what went wrong and, if needed, how can we correct Whatever went on.
Speaker 1:
Now this is the good part we gonna talk about that family. You know we are family, right, family, family family. Why? Why do we get in a habit of saying that we got to be cool with our family? Like, why do we get in the habit of saying that like, what if the family members are toxic? What if they don't mean you any good? Like, if your Family member is a serial killer? You telling me, I got to be cool with the serial killer. If your family member is Somebody who's always out of control, always staying in trouble and things like that and you know that's not how you align Are you telling me that I have to still be cool with that person because they're my family member? Absolutely not. Like, let's normalize. Like being away from toxic people, having peace in your life.
Speaker 1:
Like I cut you off quick. I Don't care who you are, I will cut you off quickly. Don't pass go, don't collect $200. I'm finna cut you off. Gonna cut you off. Um, how comfortable y'all? It is a whole mosquito right here. I apologize, but he was trying to get me. So if you're watching this on YouTube, I know y'all. Like, what is she doing? My apologies, some mosquito, listen, I ain't trying to. And Florida, we have mosquitoes around. Okay, they don't show no mercy. They don't get cold. It's cold here, don't get cold. Let's bring it back.
Speaker 1:
How comfortable are you with asking family members for favors, like, especially if it's a family member that she don't talk to outside? Like you? Like you just okay, going? Hey, charlie, you know, I know we ain't spoken XYZ amount of time, but do you think I can borrow? Can you do what? Like how am I doing? How you doing? Like how you been, how your kids, how your family? Like you, you just go straight. Hey, how you doing, can I borrow? Like, like how you start a conversation all big? And like you know, like when I, when I travel back home I try to visit family.
Speaker 1:
I have certain family members that I will go visit because I know that they gonna make time for me. I always tell people when I'm coming I give you good time. Notice, you know, like I'm like, hey, I'm gonna be here on this day, I'm gonna be here for this amount of time. Let me know if you, if you're free, if you know we just want to hang out real quick, grab some lunch or do something like that. I don't just pop up on people, like I don't like people to pop up on me, so I don't pop up on people. You know, like I said, there's only certain family members that I go see because, like I feel like the rest of y'all, you know I'm not about to break my leg to come see you. Like you, not you who you think you are, I'm not finna, just know I'm not finna. Do that, if I tell you I'm coming in the town and and if you're busy, you busy. If you don't want to hang out, tell me you don't want to hang out, it you ain't, finna, hurt my feelings Like at all you. You not, finna, hurt my feelings. If you tell me you don't want to hang out with me, then guess what? That's all I mean. I got extra time to go do something. That's all they mean. Like you're not gonna hurt my feelings, charlie, I don't want to hang out with you, cool, i'ma get you. I'ma catch you on the next go around.
Speaker 1:
I Purposely don't post when I come home on social media because you know people be like oh, make sure you hit me up when you get here so we can link up. And then you know I tell people I'm there and they act like they fun, they got a broke phone, like they phone don't work, like they don't see messages and stuff like that. So I Quit asking like I quit telling Sam when I'm gonna go home. You know, zankers, I Make time. I'm setting the time side, I'm setting aside time to, you know, for hanging out at this, stuff like this, only for you to stick me and I could have been Doing something else.
Speaker 1:
So now when I go home, like I have a rhyme or reason and a purpose that I'm going, I typically don't stay for more than two days Because I what I need to do or who I need to see. I can normally get that done in two days. You know I may stay three, you know, just depending on what I got going on. But I don't stay an extended period of time just to make sure I catch everybody. If I catch you this go around, then okay good. If I didn't, because I ran out of time, guess what? I catch you on the next go around. Like it's, it's not that, it's not that serious because it's just like if you was to come to where I live, you know the same thing. You know I don't got time, or I catch up with you on the next go around. We busy, whatever, whatever. And then like just just keeping one hundred with me if you don't want hang or whatever. You know it is what it is.
Speaker 1:
So let me tell you all a story. When I tell y'all I had a wildest stories, listen y'all. Just mosquito is gonna drive me crazy. It's gone. Hopefully he don't try to come to my face and then y'all see me slap my face like that would be tragic.
Speaker 1:
So after my husband passed away, I had a A family member hit me up and asked me could I help them, cosine, on a car? I hadn't talked to this family member and I don't know how long. It just out the blue was like Sorry about your husband. Can you help me cosine on a car, on a brand new car that I don't need? At that time I wasn't even driving a brand new car and you want me to help you Cosine on another car. If you need a co-signer, then it sounds like you don't need the car at all Because you want to be a co-sign and potentially put a down payment on the car. Like seriously, like that's how Listen. Listen Instead to this date, me and that family member. Not that cool and it don't bother me at all. It don't bother me now one bit, because you don't show me who you was. And when somebody show you who they are, you believe them. You absolutely believe them. So you know.
Speaker 1:
To wrap all of this up, you know, make sure, when you're setting boundaries with your kids, make sure you're setting healthy boundaries with them. You know, because they got love feelings too. And make sure, when you set in the boundaries, make sure that you're setting realistic boundaries. Make sure you're setting boundaries that your child understands, because that your child may be younger, they may be older, but make sure that they understand the boundary that is being set so that in going forward they understand what the expectation is. There's no question about if they should be doing this or if they should be doing that. From time to time you may have to go back and readjust or kind of alter the boundaries, because no boundaries should stay the same. Boundaries is just, you know, in my opinion, or just like a benchmark, and so we're gonna have the boundary, you know, and if we need to, we can go back and we can revisit the boundary and see if there's some things that we need to alter, some things that we need to change. All right now, my favorite, well, one of my favorite portions of the show is you can't make this up. And since we talking about boundaries, and since we talking about boundaries with kids and family, I had to pick something that was very relatable. Okay, it's like, hmm, families, let's see how many of us have them. Oh, no, that's friends, I'm not saying the wrong song. So, family, you know.
Speaker 1:
So, a relative of the T-Rex, tyrannosaurus Rex, he's been found. Well, well, well, well. So people was digging, archeologists were out digging in New Mexico and they stumbled upon some bones and they was like oh, what do we have here? And the bones were thought to be that of a T-Rex and it said that this creature was here 70 years before T-Rex was even thought of. So these bones that they found are this new dinosaur. This is kind of like the ancestors in real life. They was seven million years prior and they said the bones is about 72 to 73 million years old. That is a long time, long, long, long, long long time. And so you know, they looked at these bones and they were like you know, it's not quite the T-Rex, but it could be in the same family of it. The jaw is bigger. This thing had bigger teeth and it just roamed so much more freer, so much more better. It was way bigger than what the T-Rex was and I'm like dang.
Speaker 1:
So they were like, you know, is it a close relative? Is it a cousin? So it sounds to me like this was a distant cousin, like you got your aunties and you got your cousins and stuff, and then you got them cousins that you hear about, but you ain't never met them or you ain't never talked to them or whatever. You might've heard their name once or twice on the phone or something, but that's about it. Like that's what this dinosaur is and I don't wanna mess up the dinosaur, the dinosaur name y'all.
Speaker 1:
If y'all watching this on YouTube, please forgive me, but this mosquito is trying to take me out. I don't want to mess up the T-Rex's name. Oh, I'm sorry, I don't wanna mess up the T-Rex's name because you know he got like a real name. It's not like pookie or anything like that. But in case y'all need like a good laugh, it's a Tyrannosaurus, mcrainyus, mcrainyus, mcrainyus, mcrainyus.
Speaker 1:
Listen, t-rex, cousin, that's his people, that's his cousin, them. Okay, that's how, about? How about we just leave it at that, cause I can't say that dinosaur name. I know Tyrannosaurus. I can't say that brother last name. He got one of them last name. I don't know, could it be Creole or something, I don't know. He got a last name I can't pronounce. I just know Tyrannosaurus. Say nothing more, nothing less. Okay, all right. And before we get up out of here, I want to give you the song of the week and, like I said, keeping with the trend of family and boundaries with the families, the song that I decided to pick for this week is we Are Family by Sister Sledge. All right, y'all. So that is all that I have for y'all this week. Thank you for tuning in, thank you for watching. I am your girl Charli Shante, and I will see y'all again next week. Peace.