Time sweeps forward like an unrelenting tide, and here I am, your guide through a journey of love, loss, and the indelible marks they leave on our lives. As February unfurls its days, I find myself reflecting on the emotional milestones, sharing with you the story of my late husband, a man whose memory is etched in the very fabric of my being. I honor his legacy, revisiting intimate memories, the shared laughter of Super Bowl Sundays past, and the Valentine's Day that never came.
The fabric of grief is complex, woven with threads of sorrow, resilience, and, at times, bureaucracy—especially within the confines of military life. This episode delves into the heart-wrenching reality of losing a spouse in service to their country, the profound sorrow that follows, and the strength it takes to forge a new path in its wake. I explore the deep spiritual connection known as twin flames, recounting the visceral sense of loss that struck even before the official news arrived and how it has shaped the journey I continue to walk.
Yet, even in the darkest of times, life has a way of offering unexpected moments of levity. I'll share a surprising incident from a military funeral that brought a glimmer of humor amidst the somberness. This episode also serves as a testament to the importance of representation and the unique hurdles faced by black women in the context of trauma and loss. And for those who seek comfort in music, as I often do, I'll introduce you to a playlist that has been my solace, featuring a song that holds the memory of a dance, a promise, and a love that endures. Join me on this profoundly personal episode, where we celebrate the resilience of the human spirit and the unbreakable bonds that love creates.
Time sweeps forward like an unrelenting tide, and here I am, your guide through a journey of love, loss, and the indelible marks they leave on our lives. As February unfurls its days, I find myself reflecting on the emotional milestones, sharing with you the story of my late husband, a man whose memory is etched in the very fabric of my being. I honor his legacy, revisiting intimate memories, the shared laughter of Super Bowl Sundays past, and the Valentine's Day that never came.
The fabric of grief is complex, woven with threads of sorrow, resilience, and, at times, bureaucracy—especially within the confines of military life. This episode delves into the heart-wrenching reality of losing a spouse in service to their country, the profound sorrow that follows, and the strength it takes to forge a new path in its wake. I explore the deep spiritual connection known as twin flames, recounting the visceral sense of loss that struck even before the official news arrived and how it has shaped the journey I continue to walk.
Yet, even in the darkest of times, life has a way of offering unexpected moments of levity. I'll share a surprising incident from a military funeral that brought a glimmer of humor amidst the somberness. This episode also serves as a testament to the importance of representation and the unique hurdles faced by black women in the context of trauma and loss. And for those who seek comfort in music, as I often do, I'll introduce you to a playlist that has been my solace, featuring a song that holds the memory of a dance, a promise, and a love that endures. Join me on this profoundly personal episode, where we celebrate the resilience of the human spirit and the unbreakable bonds that love creates.
Hey y'all, welcome back to the gag is podcast. I am your girl, charlie shantae. Thank you for coming back and kicking it with me for another week. Oh my gosh, can y'all believe it is February already? I feel like I Was just telling y'all happy new years, but, like now, we are in the month of February. Khofrey Z. However we, we like I felt probably it's next week gonna be summer and then the week after that gonna be Thanksgiving and then a week after that gonna be Christmas. So can we can probably say we got about a month left in this year. Mm-hmm, I hope y'all are doing well. We're gonna go ahead and jump right into this episode and have a seat, get you something to drink. This is gonna be one of those episodes that you're probably gonna need some tissues with as well.
Speaker 1:
I Debated for a minute if I was going to do this episode or not Because I said, dang, can I do this episode? You know I I want to give you guys transparency, but I also want to make sure that you're not hearing me sniveling, crying, you know, over your radio or wherever you're listening to this podcast or if you're watching. I don't want you to see me with the ugly, crying, sniveling face. But I said, you know, for the sake of transparency and I don't know who is watching and I don't know who I'm inspiring so I'm gonna go ahead and take that risk and Put this episode together For those that are watching.
Speaker 1:
Check out my shirt. This jersey actually holds a special meaning to me. This is a jersey that was given to me by and it signed on the back. I Never wear it. I specifically saved it for this episode. It's signed by the Orlando Magic, a player from the Orlando Magic, and it's dedicated to my husband. It has his name on the back, so I figured what better way to Do this episode about him than to wear his jersey? And I also have his dog tags on as well. If you're watching this, you'll see what I'm talking about. If you're listening, you probably just had the jingling, but these are his actual dog tags from him that We'll get into later on. And then my military wife ring as well that I keep on this chain. I did have my wedding ring on here, but I think I took it off because I was too scared that I was gonna lose it and I'll be like oh my god. So I'm gonna go ahead and jump right in to this episode and it's Very transparent, very transparent. I will say that I don't wish this feeling, this lifestyle, this anything on anybody, not even my worst enemy.
Speaker 1:
This week makes 17 years that my husband has been gone and I feel like it was just yesterday that it all took place. Like 17 years, like wow, I can't believe it's been that long. All right, so I'm gonna tell y'all how it happened. So it was Super Bowl Sunday and I had spoke to him a couple days prior and we were talking about the Super Bowl and we had made a little bet. And then he said I talked to you Super Bowl Sunday, baby. I said, all right. I said just, you know, have whatever I had used to bet. I said just make sure you know that you have my bet Whatever. So, cuz, cuz, you know I'm gonna win. And even if I didn't win, I was gonna still win. And he's like, yeah, and then I'll see you the next week. So we were. He was coming home for Valentine's Day, so I was like, alright, I'll get. We got super bowl. And then I know, after the Super Bowl He'll be home. Well, he never came home.
Speaker 1:
I Am in Walmart, okay. Okay, we gonna try not to cry. I was in Walmart and I remember I had a next-cell phone. Do I remember the next cell phones, like with the? You know a little chirp chirp and you know this was 17 years ago, 2007. Phones didn't work that good. So you know, every time we go in Walmart and your phone never worked. And so at the time people were going around and Telling people that their family members who were in the military had died and were scamming them. So I'm in Walmart and my phone rings, and my phone, let me back up. Let me back up because I gotta give y'all context of how in tune we were.
Speaker 1:
So the night prior to the Super Bowl, I'm out with my girls and we're having a good time and all of a sudden a big fight breaks out in the club. This fight breaks out in the club and I actually get injured and you know, not injured like bad, but like I'm able to get up, regain my composure and things like that, and I was like I want to go to the hospital. And when I tell you I wasn't, I was hurt, but I wasn't hurt, like I could have went home and took some motion and laid down. I was like I want to go to the hospital. And then I am just balling my eyes out like just ballin, ballin, ballin. You would have think that somebody beat my ass or something like just ballin. And I'm like this is so crazy, like what is this all about?
Speaker 1:
So fast forward? I'm in Walmart, I get a call from I want to say from Tarvis, and he goes there's some people at your house and I'm like what kind of people? And he's like there's some people at your house. I think you should come home. And I was like what? So I call my nco and I was like a sergeant. Oh, I was like my homeboy just call me, said there are some military people in my house. And I was like I don't know what's going on. And he was like I haven't heard anything. So he was like he's like I'm gonna call you back. So I was like alright, so I'm in Walmart and I'm still shopping or whatever. And he calls me back and I'm like what up, sergeant? Oh, he was like I'm on my way to your house. I was like Okay, this can't be happening right now. This cannot be Happening right now.
Speaker 1:
So I get in my car and Walmart is Probably 10 minutes away and that had to have been the longest 10 minutes of my life. I get to my house and like all the people that I hang out with are there and I'm like, oh my god, I was like I'm just gonna sit in my car. Because I'm like, if I sit in my car, I'm like they can't tell me, so I'll never know. So I Go up to the stairs and I go in my house and I close, I Close the door and my bag, I close the door. They come to the door and they tell me and I just lose it. I completely lose it Because I'm like this can't be happening right now. It can't be happening right now.
Speaker 1:
See this, I wanted to do this episode cuz I know I was gonna cry. No, I was. And so I open the door and they tell me I'm sorry. I open a door and they tell me and I'm like, oh my god, and the first person I call was my brother, and I call him and I'm just screaming and he's like who did it? What's wrong, what's going on? And I'm like he's gone, he's gone.
Speaker 1:
And I actually remember hiding behind the couch because I'm like this can't be going on, it can't be happening right now, like, like, like I felt like my life was ending. I was like this can't be, it can't be happening right now. And my dad and my stepmom came over and I'm just like, and then my husband's mom called and I'm just like, I can't do this right now, like the person that I wanted to do forever with is gone. So how am I supposed to do forever? And the person I wanted to do forever with is gone, like, how does that work? And I just, and so like it all made sense that when the fight broke out in the club and I got hurt and I went to the hospital and I was just bawling for no reason was the same exact time that he was here. And it's crazy that I felt that in my soul that something was wrong with him. It's just crazy.
Speaker 1:
But it's like we like that's twin, like that, like what you're calling out is twin flame, like that's twin. Like we locked in and so you know, it was just a wild day, it was just a super wild day. And I'm like, ok, like this is a joke, because he gonna call me for the Super Bowl and we're gonna talk about the Super Bowl, and then he never calls on. Like man, I'm like he's still out on the mission, and so I'm like, all right. And so I go to sleep and I wake up the next day to go to work, and they're like you can't come to work, like, and I'm like, yes, I can. I'm like like this is crazy, like I want to come to work, and so they're like, no, and let me tell you how people are. And so we were both military and my unit was like you know, you can get a couple days, but after that you got to come to work and I'm like what? They're like, yeah, they're like you got to come to work, you know, and I'm like my whole husband just died, and so, for my military people, I had to get orders from his unit just to be able to go and take care of affairs like my, like my wife Lee, affairs for my husband.
Speaker 1:
So this was 2007. The word had, you know it was. It was still new, it was only a couple years in and you know I had to wait for his body to come back and this had to be the longest 10 days of my life. The longest 10 days of my life. And I'm like, oh my God. And so I remember flying. I remember driving up to the airport and because you know, I had to receive his body, and I remember the traffic was at a standstill. The air traffic was at a standstill when he came in and his, his PJ pulled up and they opened it and they slid them out and I just remember collapsing on the tarback cuz I'm like it's really hitting now, like it's really true, like he's really gone, and I'm like okay. And so I remember Getting to the funeral home and they opened it up and I see them and I was like I was like that's not my husband.
Speaker 1:
And I want you to understand something You're used to seeing people, you're used to hearing about people dying, but this is a casualty war, like he's here in this box because and he's in this box because everybody is to walk around and do and say what they want why are you so bitter fighting? And he's a casualty of war. He's so young, like we has, so he has so much life, we had so much life, and I'm like that's not him, because I still didn't want to, except the fact that he was gone. And then, on top of that, they, mortuary affairs, did his makeup. And when I tell y'all they missed him. But I was like hell, no, I was like y'all need to the funeral my time. I say y'all need to fix it because I mean he need to look like his cell. And so they fixed it and I stayed.
Speaker 1:
I Was at that funeral home so much because I was like I can't, like I Can't deal. And so the night before his funeral, I remember I was at the hotel and I woke up out. I Woke up out my sleep because he came to me in a dream and he was like Baby, I'm good, I got you, I'm good, don't cry, you're straight, like you know. I woke up and I ran into the other room just to try to like where did he go? Because I knew this was a dream. So I was like where did he go?
Speaker 1:
And I'm just like me and my life is so Unfair. Life is so unfair and I'm like here I am, 21 years old, burying my husband, burying my husband, like I can't even fathom. I can't even fathom. Like they say till death, do us part. But why did the death part have to come so soon? I, I just it still tears me up just to even think about it, just to think about it, because now I have to create a new normal, like I have to do new normal things. Like when I have an inconvenience I don't have a, I don't have him to call anymore. Like I literally have to talk to him in heaven and we all know heaven and got no phone and I'm just like man, this is super crazy. And like for a long time I've like every weekend like I was at the cemetery because I'm like I just want to, I just want to take him home with me, like this is this is crazy. Like this is super crazy, like I don't even know how this is happening.
Speaker 1:
And you know, after it happened with him being military, you know you get so many phone calls, you get so many letters, you get, you know, congressional letters, you get stuff from the president, you get stuff from everybody and it can just be overwhelming. You know, and in all transparency moment, you know my husband is gone and I have a mother in law who was like he's dead. Now Go on with your life. You know like so cold hearted. And so you know Valentine's Day kind of rolls around because it's all is taking place in the month of February. Imagine you telling your spouse you love him for the last time, you love him for the last time, and then they pass away and you get a Valentine's Day card from. That's why, when Valentine's Day come around, I don't even like it, because I'm like the person who loved me down. I got a card from them after they were gone, so like like that, because at that time Mel was so dang on, slow and so, but to know that before he took his last breath he wanted to ensure that his wife had a card for Valentine's Day, so super wild, so super wild, and it just eats me up because I miss him. I miss him and you know I'll forever be his wife and I know that and I'm going to always. I'm always holding down, always, always and forever. Let me draw my face up because I know he'd be like here she go, yeah, here I go, yeah. So that's how that went. So yeah, casualty's award, real Um, and later on I'm going to talk about, not in this episode, but in future episodes.
Speaker 1:
I'm going to start discussing how we, as black women, are not given the same resources, not given the same information as others to deal with trauma and grief. It's crazy, because after he passed away, I was still on active duty and about six months later they tried to deploy me in the same area that he was killed and I was like, oh, y'all can kiss my ass. And I ended up getting out the military because I'm like now I'm already traumatized because my mans is gone. Y'all going to traumatize me more by having trying to station me in the same place that he lost his life in? Like, is nobody thinking? Is nobody thinking like using a brain, like, would you want to do this? Like, if your significant other was killed, would you want to go to the area that they were killed in and lived there for 15 months? Absolutely not.
Speaker 1:
So I ended up getting out the military and you know it's not something that I wanted to do, but for my mental, I had to. You know I had to because how was I supposed to be in a combat zone and think properly, you know, and keep myself and my comrades safe, knowing that my husband lost his life in the same area? Like, how was that safe? How was that good for mental anybody's mental health? And what's crazy is I'm not going to talk about the, I'm not going to reveal you know how he died or anything like that.
Speaker 1:
However, is the army is a small entity and the nurse that actually took care of him after he got injured just happened to be the girlfriend of somebody in my unit and when she came back she was like he fought so hard and for so long because the type of injuries that he sustained he should have. He should have killed him instantly. But she was like he held on for so long and I'm like just to know that he was fighting to stay alive, to come home like, like, because that's the type of person he was. You know he, he don't give up, he don't give up at all, or he didn't give up, you know, but that's just what it was.
Speaker 1:
And then, months later, to know that someone who knew my husband for like two months decided to go and write a book and talk about him in his book is real wild. I wanted to pursue legal action but once I looked at the numbers that the book was doing, it wouldn't even be, it wouldn't even worth it. You know, I'm like you trying to sell somebody else's truth. You shouldn't do that Like. That's, that's crazy. Months later, when his unit finally came home, I did attend that. It was bittersweet. But to know, to know that everybody to know that a lot of those guys came home safely, but they were so triggered, it's just, it's crazy. It's just crazy. It's just crazy, yeah, it's just crazy. So, uh, let me stop being a crybaby, all right. So now that we got that out of the way, I'm still gonna give y'all a. You can't make this up. And this is kind of wild because this is funeral related. And Listen, if you know me, you know that I have an amazing sense of humor.
Speaker 1:
So in the military, at a funeral, taps is played. Sometimes it's a live taps player, sometimes it's a recording. So there was an actual live taps player and so on the way to the funeral he got into not to the funeral, but on the way to the graveyard he got into a car accident. I don't know how this happened, because my mind was my mind was somewhere else, but I heard about it after the fact. So I was like wow, but I don't know if it was like just a tap, tap or what happened. All I know is by the time I got to the cemetery, he was there to play. I mean, he was a little shaky, but he was there To play. I give it to. I give it to him. Yeah, I give it to him.
Speaker 1:
And so later on, after we get done at the cemetery and we go back to the church to have a repad, y'all why? My homegirl Perce got stoned in the church. In the church who's stealing from church? So wow, so freaking, wow, all right. So let's go ahead and wrap this thing on up, all right.
Speaker 1:
So for my, you know I do a song Lyrica the week, but this week I have a few songs because I think these songs they kind of got me through the first couple of days and then one of them is his favorite song. It was kind of like our wedding song, so I decided to put that on there as well. This is a playlist, so I will link the playlist down in the description so that you, if you just need a little playlist or something, you can go ahead and download it. So the songs that I have for this week I think are pretty Ricky make it like it was Nivia, complicated SZA. Nobody gets me.
Speaker 1:
Glitter gloss in DC. Young fly, miss my dog and Mr Spencer's favorite song, cater to you. All right, that is all that I have for y'all this week. Please excuse my ugly face and all my crime and tears, but I got to keep it real with y'all and give it to y'all raw. If you are watching this on YouTube, stay tuned because I have a little piece of a blog from my time at the cemetery, from this week's visit. Those are y'all that are listening on your favorite podcasting platform. Make sure you download, you subscribe and you share and then go on over to YouTube and check out the extra vlog that is included with this week's blog or this week's blog, this week's podcast and until next week. I love y'all Peace.