When life handed me the title of a military widow at just 21, the ground beneath me shifted in ways I never imagined. This week on the podcast, I open up about the labyrinth of grief and the quest for a light in the darkness that followed the loss of my husband. I unfold the unexpected camaraderie and the sharp sting of superstition I encountered among a community grappling with their own fears and losses. My journey is a raw testament to the strength found in vulnerability and the powerful ties that can bind us, even when hope seems like a distant memory.
Navigating the aftermath within the military community brought challenges and divisions I never anticipated, revealing the complexities of solidarity among gold star spouses. I recount the steps I took towards rediscovering myself beyond the identity of a widow and how a bold move to a new city offered a surprising path to healing. Join me as I share the importance of finding a tribe that embraces you, scars and all, and the resilience that propels us forward. This episode is not just my story; it's an invitation to anyone facing the specter of loss to seek out spaces that foster growth and embrace the journey toward a life rebuilt on the foundation of the past.
When life handed me the title of a military widow at just 21, the ground beneath me shifted in ways I never imagined. This week on the podcast, I open up about the labyrinth of grief and the quest for a light in the darkness that followed the loss of my husband. I unfold the unexpected camaraderie and the sharp sting of superstition I encountered among a community grappling with their own fears and losses. My journey is a raw testament to the strength found in vulnerability and the powerful ties that can bind us, even when hope seems like a distant memory.
Navigating the aftermath within the military community brought challenges and divisions I never anticipated, revealing the complexities of solidarity among gold star spouses. I recount the steps I took towards rediscovering myself beyond the identity of a widow and how a bold move to a new city offered a surprising path to healing. Join me as I share the importance of finding a tribe that embraces you, scars and all, and the resilience that propels us forward. This episode is not just my story; it's an invitation to anyone facing the specter of loss to seek out spaces that foster growth and embrace the journey toward a life rebuilt on the foundation of the past.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the gag is podcast. I am your girl, charlie Shante. Thank you for coming back and spending another week with me. We have made it to another week and it always seemed like it'd take, like Friday, a long time to get here. But, like all the other days of the week, like they just be, like I'm here. But I hope y'all had a good week.
Speaker 1:
If you had a Valentine or you participated in Valentine's Day, I hope you had a good Valentine's Day. I went to the gym. That's why I did Valentine's Day. As y'all know, I really don't do Valentine's Day because of what happened with my husband, so I just chose to chill. And then, on top of that, I ain't got no Valentine, like my dog. But you know it is what it is.
Speaker 1:
So let's go ahead and jump into today's topic. So last week we talked about you know how, or we talked about the logistics of the day that my husband got killed and leading up to everything like that. So this week we don't talk about what it's like you know when I first stepped into the village Look, I can't even talk what it was like when I stepped into the widow community. Now, mind you, I was 21. So you know I ain't really know what was going on. I really know what. You know what we was doing.
Speaker 1:
So you know, after I became a widow, you know I this happened in the military community. So the military community was kind of like my support, it was kind of like my go through, like I didn't really have too many friends or too many people outside of the military. So you know, military was just what it is. And let me say this, everything that you hear on this show is all my fact, my opinion and me telling my truth. I'll never use this platform to down anybody, to slander anybody or anything like that. This is, these are my stories, this is from my perspective and this is my life. One thing I said was I'm gonna always tell my truth. It may not be someone else's truth, but I'm always tell my truth. So you got to respect that for what it is.
Speaker 1:
So they have what's called an FRG. I think it's not a family readiness group in the military. So it's like a group of people primarily spouses, girlfriends and sometimes some civilians come together and we kind of just like a support group for when the guys are down range type of job that my husband had. He was only strictly in a unit with males. There were no females. So you know we will all come together support. Let it just be a good big support, because we had kids and you know, hey, no, my husband said this, or you know my husband said this, or you know we kind of looked out for each other, kind of how they looked out for each other down range.
Speaker 1:
Now again, I am 21. I don't really care for too much of this group as some of the women were like older, like I'm 2021 at times. So most of the women like in their late 20s, early 30s, and I'm like you know, I really you know they got like little small kids and stuff and I'm just like I mean, you know I ain't really my thing, but you know it is what it is. So that was my support. So after I was notified that my husband had passed away, they came over, they bought food for the evening. It was just a little support to let us, to let me know they bought the chaplain. So just to let me know some of the resources and the things that were available to me for going forward and I'm like, okay, I'm like you know, am I gonna have to utilize these people? You know, for basic things, and you know cause? I'm still in my mind, I'm still like this isn't real, this isn't happening, you know.
Speaker 1:
And so after that initial encounter, they were offering support just on a minimal basis, just on a hey, how you doing Email, or, you know, can we bring something by? Or just something like that. Nothing real serious, nothing real in depth. You know, if I needed to help running errands or something like that, but you know it wasn't nothing too in depth and I was like eh, eh, you know it is how it is, but I didn't know that, going forward, I'm now in a group of women who no longer have their spouse, but there's still women, all of these other women who still have their spouses, and I didn't know that I was gonna get, you know, like a widow staying like after this happened.
Speaker 1:
You know, I would still go to the meetings to support the other women, cause I did have some female friends who were still, you know, their husbands were still gone and I would go to kind of support them or whatever. But the women, they didn't wanna hang with me and they didn't want me coming around to the meetings because they felt that if I hung out with them then their husbands were gonna die too. It was kind of like I was cursed or something like no, you can't hang with us, you know. And one actually told me she was like I don't wanna, you know, get close to you because I don't want my husband to die too. I'm like what in the world Like this is how y'all really think. Y'all think that if I hang out with y'all, I'm gonna be the reason why your husband, your husband, could potentially die. What sense does that make? None whatsoever. But again it happened.
Speaker 1:
And from that day forward I was like fine, I ain't gotta hang out with y'all. You know it doesn't make me none, but I ended up keeping in touch with some of the higher ups and things like that. I was like I ain't fooling with these females, because if that's how y'all gonna be, it is what it is. I would just hate for one of y'all to end up in my shoes and then somebody do you the same way. It is what it is, you know. Like he's gonna rub off on you, like does that make any sense? Like you will hold almost 30 years old and you believe in that if you hang out with somebody like, let's be for real, but I digress. And so after that I had like a.
Speaker 1:
I tried to figure out where I was, where I was going, who I was gonna become. And so I had military friends and I ended up getting out the military sometime after due to them wanting to send me where he was. If I knew then what I know now, I would probably still be in the military. But if I was still in military, I probably wouldn't be getting this content. So hooray for that. But I needed to figure out. You know something to do, you know some sense of belonging or something like that. And to be honest with you, I don't even know how I even got involved with motorcycles. I have no clue whatsoever. I knew somebody, I knew a guy. He probably introduced me to another guy. It probably happened like that. I don't even know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. But anyway I ended up getting involved with motorcycles, motorcycles. So yes, your girl can ride motorcycles, you know, I do a little one too. I can flex a little bit, you know. So I got involved with motorcycles. I ended up joining a bike club.
Speaker 1:
A new era MC Shout out to all the people over there we are no longer, or they are no longer. We're no longer a club, but we still, you know, love each other the same. I'll actually be about to take me out, but we still love each other the same and we did still talk to each other. Times was had, movies was made I must say that and it was the attention that I felt that I needed because we were doing things, we were going places, I was meeting new people and it kind of gave me like a sense of belonging. It was fun, like a time was had, a time was had, and I've met some amazing people, some people that I'm still cool with. You know, it's real, real, crazy and, as a matter of fact, my you Can't Make this Up is going to be a bike related story.
Speaker 1:
But yeah, so I ended up riding motorcycles, getting into a bike club, and it was like the best thing ever. This was like the best two and a half years of my life, and then I ended up having to sit it on down because your girl got pregnant. But I think joining a bike club it probably saved me, because I don't know if I didn't have the bike club, I don't know what type of community that I would have surrounded myself with. And I don't know what type of community that I would have surrounded myself with. To be honest with you, I wouldn't be living where I'm living now, but that is a Another time. But yeah, I love bike club. I haven't rode a motorcycle and probably about let's see new faces 13 In, probably 14 years, almost 15 years and I think about it sometimes, like I see bikes and I be like, oh man, yeah, what, what I wouldn't do to be back on tools, but the way these folk drive out here in Florida, no, not even I Ain't gonna do it. But yeah, I love, I love the bike scene, love, love, loved it.
Speaker 1:
And then, outside of the bike club, I did have widow friends and I made, I met some amazing, amazing widow women who were outside of the women that were in my husband's unit. I Ended up meeting them. I went into going to a survivor group and meeting these other women and these other Widows, and all of them weren't widows, some of them were fiance, some of them just had children by a service member, but nonetheless, oh, girl, sleep nonetheless. You know, we all and I'm very cool with, still with a lot of them to this day. But in the widow community I don't know if it's like this and like the civilian Community when it comes to widows, but in the military widow community, as crazy as it sounds, it's very Competitive, like that. That. That shouldn't even be in the same sentence together, right? But In the military widow space it gets very Competitive.
Speaker 1:
And when I say it gets competitive, what I mean is Women hang out with other women based on how their spouse died. So you know whether they were in a car accident, training accident, kia, killed in action or they took their own life. You know that's kind of the major classifications of death with the military or medical and Outside. Again, again, disclaimer this is my truth, this is my opinion, this is my story, these are my facts. Other people may hear this and say she lying, she capping. That's not really what it is. This is my truth and I'm gonna tell my truth.
Speaker 1:
I've seen it to wear Spouses of Individuals who were killed in action or killed in a war zone. We, we have often get told and this is my personal experience and I know it has happened to some other women I have gotten told, you know, we think we better than others and I'm like, oh my gosh, what does that mean? So in the military it it comes down to benefits, and some of the benefits are not paid and Sent out the same way based on the causes of death. So me, the things that I am granted Are very different from someone who may be spouse, was on active duty and died in a car accident why they were off work. It may be different and it's it's crazy that it's bad of a tragedy is losing someone. Is there still competition within that? That it's very crazy to say. But it is Like we've, we're all in the same boat. We've all suffered a great loss. We've lost our husbands, we've lost our best friends, we've lost fathers to our children. Why are we like I? It's like the rules are rules and you got to accept it for what it is.
Speaker 1:
You got some spouses who didn't want to hang out with people who Spouse died a particular way. Like, why would you do that? Like, why are you judging somebody based on how they died? You know? And you have women who you know they Grief is is how you deal with it, how long it takes you, how you deal with it, and Some some people moved on, you know, and then some people didn't. You know, we just we just chilling, living our best single lives. You know, we made a dibble and dabble and dated, but you know, we live in our best lives and you've had some Spouses who have gone on to be with other people but then they come back and they hang around us and they be like, oh my god, you're not married yet, you don't have no one. So like they think, now this is not for all, because I do know some, some girls, some ladies, who have Partners or what have you, and they are amazing individuals.
Speaker 1:
When I tell you Military world, old world ain't for the week, it's like this could be a show. You got your, your love and hip-hop sin, all of that. This could actually be this. We caught as military wise, because if you think it's some drama in the reality show, something drama in the reality shows, you ain't seeing nothing, nothing Great, not a thing, kuz Kuz.
Speaker 1:
But how, if our spouses, if our man's dad, they died? Right, that's what they got in common. But why does how they die determine who you hang with? Okay, my husband got killed. Your husband died in a call accident. Okay, guess what? They both died on active duty. Okay, Like, why can't we not just jointly be friends and understand and heal each other? You know we have kids and why can't we just, all you know, be a resource for each other? Because you can go and talk to your other friends, but your other friends don't understand what you're going through. So why would you shit on the people who know what you're going through and understand you and are giving you a resource? Like, why would you treat them bad?
Speaker 1:
I've seen it to where people who may have been married and have kids like it's two different women with kids, one married and then another woman who may have had a kid. I've seen it like that and I've seen it to where. But in here it's not getting along. So, in the crazy part about it, I've seen it so much in the African-American community. I've never seen so much. If we two brown girls going through the same thing, the last thing that we should be doing is fighting with each other or disagreeing with each other. You know, let's come together and support each other. You know, let's be here for each other and it just it sucks Like in a military. It's called being a gold star spouse. This is a club that nobody ever wants to be a part of. Like not never.
Speaker 1:
And you have women who I've seen crazy things, women who have like been broken up with a dude and he gets killed and they're like, oh my God, that's my baby and they want to come to the meetings, they want to come hang out and they want to do all this Like you was not with this person. Like what are you doing? Like people want to belong and they want to fit in. But and it's like, why would you want to associate you on the outside and you weren't living this life? Why would you want to bring yourself into this life? Like what benefit are you getting from this? Like it's given weird. It's given weird at this point. But yeah, caddy and girl fights Military with those wee. I think I'm gonna have to. I think I'm gonna do a episode. It's probably gonna be like a bonus behind the scene kind of uncensored, unfiltered version, because I got some, got some stories. I got some stories that I can tell, got some real, real stories that I can tell. So to bring this awful circle.
Speaker 1:
As a widow, you never know, because from the day that you suffer your loss, you have to find a new identity. You have to find a new normal. So ever since my husband passed away, I've always been trying to find where I fit in, what my new normal is, and things like that. And for so long for eight, seven, for seven years I lived at the military base that we were both stationed at. I lived there for seven years and I ended up moving because it got to the point where even though it sounds weird, I didn't want to be a widow anymore because in the place that we live in, you always would be known as the widow. You don't have any other sense of identity and with that being in that space, it wasn't allowing me to find a new normal. It wasn't allowing me to find my identity. My only identity was being a widow, and I didn't want to do that. No more, I'm going to always be a widow, but I can't continue to stay somewhere where it's like you're a widow. That's what you're going to be as long as you're living here.
Speaker 1:
And I was like nah, and I literally packed my house up, packed my kids up, and we did. We moved to Florida Ain't no, nobody here. We visited, I said, ooh, this is nice. And we literally moved here like a year later, because I didn't want that widow staying on me anymore. I'm going to always be a widow, but every time I turn and I'm looking and I'm going somewhere, it's like oh, I know her, her husband, so why that guy? No, I got tired of that, so I moved completely somewhere different where nobody knows me, nobody knows my story and they only know it if I tell them. So when I got here, it allowed me. When I moved here, it allowed me to, without all of the bickeringness and all of the other things. It allowed me to find a new identity, to find out who I was, to find out what kind of circles I wanted to be in. And I want to say that moving here was the best decision that I could have ever made.
Speaker 1:
Coming up, in a few months it's going to be 10 years since I've been here, and since I've been here, I didn't have to worry about fitting in, like I naturally and organically was able to find groups of women that I just naturally fit in with. I didn't have to worry about being judged. I didn't have to worry about. You know, none of them are widows, so I didn't have to worry about. Are we going to be in competition with each other. I was like I'm a better widow because my husband died, you know, more tragically than yours. I didn't have to worry about that. I was able to organically and genuinely create friendships in girl groups that I genuinely and organically fit into. It wasn't forced, it wasn't pressured, and that those groups right there. And then I have other women who, or individuals who you know I'm cool with as well, and they helped shape me as well. But I was able to leave an environment and foster a better environment I was.
Speaker 1:
It was like everything was clear now, like I had a clean slate, like all right, there is this clean slate. I can figure out what I need to be, what I need to do and where I'm going. You know how can I fit in and I love all my female groups. Okay, like I got my friends that my professional, my older lady friends. They professional, they give me good advice and things like that. And then I got my middle age friends. That's they not my age, but they just like just a snitch older than me and I got them too. And then I got my friends dad, my girlfriends and my homies. That's around my age. So nothing that I have is forced. They know I lost my husband, but they don't ask about it, they don't judge me about it, like it's all good. It's all Gucci, everything is good, you know. So I'm very thankful for that. I'm very, very thankful. So, to any of my Florida friends and family that's listening or watching, thank you, thank you for being you. I greatly appreciate it. Thank you for not judging me and thank you for bringing me into your groups. Great to lead, great to lead. Appreciate it Now one of the portions of the show that you know it can get wild sometime and we're talking about fitting in today.
Speaker 1:
So I tell y'all a story and I know so many people are probably going to hit me up after this and be like who are you talking about in this story? But I would be shocked if the person who I'm talking about didn't hit me up. Hmm. So on this segment of you can't make this up. So during my time at the military base, when I started getting into the bike club or whatever you know I'm, I'm a very genuine, always been a lovable, genuine person you know, easy to get along with, you know, can put me in a room with 10 strangers and by the end of the night. I'm a no alternative. People like we gonna be cool, we gonna have had a conversation.
Speaker 1:
So in when I joined around in the bike community, you know, I met different people from different clubs, different avenues and things like that. And I have met an individual and said individual, we got cool. And I was like, okay, you know like me. And said, individually, you know, all right, we cool, cool, cool. Well, said individual was like yo, my boy wants to borrow some money, you know, and he don't want to ask you. I was like, oh, it's like well, why? Why? I said individual, you know they, they can just come to me. If it's like that, you know. If it's like, if they need you know, whatever, whatever. So I was like all right, cool. So I let said individual borrow some money for other. Said individual, I was like all right, cool, whatever.
Speaker 1:
So a few weeks later, said individual comes back and was like said individual said that it wasn't enough to get them out of the bind, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like okay, need a couple more dollars. All right, cool. So I'm hanging with said individual and I'm like okay, I'm starting to, you know, see some things. And I'm looking at said individual and I'm like I thought you said said individual XYZ come to find out. Said individual used another individual to scam me Yep, scan me out of 10 bands.
Speaker 1:
And to this day I don't think said individual knows, like the person that the other person was asking for. I don't think that person knows. I don't think I'll ever tell that person either. I don't know if that like, if it came up and said individual was like I need to clear my conscience, I might tell him I don't know. I mean ain't really no thing to me. You know, is over with, is done. You know that's on your conscience. I don't know, I already forgave you. So I mean I don't know. All right, we have come to the end of the road.
Speaker 1:
So y'all know, before I go I always like to give y'all a lyric or song of the week and for this week I have to, because we're talking about the topic, and you know it's Valentine's Day was this week. I can't wait till this weekend Because your girl, finna, turn up with her girls. It's Gallantines, I know, gallantines officially February 13. But you know, we working women, okay, we can't go. No, we can't frolic during the week. Okay, we got a frolic on the weekend. So Gallantines is gonna be this weekend. I can't wait on turn up. Make sure you follow the personal page. Smart fit underscore okey or the gag is pot See how my gallon times is gonna go check out my outfit and things like that.
Speaker 1:
But for this week, my two songs of the week slash lyric of the week are young draw, keep them squares out your circle, since we talking about fitting in and things like that, and because it's Valentine's Day and Valentine. Well, since it was Valentine's Day and you know I don't really participate in Valentine's Day, but you know I still am human and have a heart. My Valentine's Day song is Whitney Houston. Where do broken hearts go? All right, we've come to the end of the road Again. Thank you for joining me for another week, for another episode. Remember to go follow the page, make sure you check in us out on YouTube, make sure you hit that download button, make sure you are subscribing and make sure you are sharing. And until next week I am Charlie Chante Peace.