Welcome to the raw edges of my heart as I delve into the poignant struggles unique to a Gold Star Spouse. April showers us with military appreciation, but it also brings a torrent of emotions as I navigate the remembrance of my beloved and the complexities of widowhood. This week is a special one as I share the tender decision to step back from public commemorations for the sake of my mental health, balancing the act of honoring my late husband while forging onward with life's milestones.
As the conversation unfolds, I open the doors to my life, exploring the reasons behind my choice to keep a distance from the widow community and its expectations. The episode takes an unexpected turn towards levity when I recount a humorous, yet heartwarming exchange with my son that reminds us of the unpredictable journey of motherhood. Join me in this intimate exploration of love, loss, and the strength found in privacy, paired with a song that encapsulates my young widowhood and the courage to embrace adulthood's challenges. Together, we'll navigate these deep waters, finding solace and connection within the shared experiences that bind us.
Welcome to the raw edges of my heart as I delve into the poignant struggles unique to a Gold Star Spouse. April showers us with military appreciation, but it also brings a torrent of emotions as I navigate the remembrance of my beloved and the complexities of widowhood. This week is a special one as I share the tender decision to step back from public commemorations for the sake of my mental health, balancing the act of honoring my late husband while forging onward with life's milestones.
As the conversation unfolds, I open the doors to my life, exploring the reasons behind my choice to keep a distance from the widow community and its expectations. The episode takes an unexpected turn towards levity when I recount a humorous, yet heartwarming exchange with my son that reminds us of the unpredictable journey of motherhood. Join me in this intimate exploration of love, loss, and the strength found in privacy, paired with a song that encapsulates my young widowhood and the courage to embrace adulthood's challenges. Together, we'll navigate these deep waters, finding solace and connection within the shared experiences that bind us.
Hey guys, welcome back to the Gag Is Podcast. I am your girl, charli Chanté. Oh man, you already know how it go. If you are listening to this, then it's a new episode and it's a Friday, so welcome, welcome, welcome. I hope you have had a good week. It has been a very, very crazy week for me. However, we have made it to Friday, friday, so that means the weekend is coming up. Hopefully there is some rest and relaxation in your weekend. I know there definitely is some in mine. I know I have a massage lined up mind. I know I have a massage lined up. So, yeah, so, yeah. So go ahead, grab your little whatever, grab your snack, grab your little drink, whatever you're drinking on, and come on in and have a seat so we can go ahead and get this thing jumped off. You see my setup. You see I'm holding a microphone today. So you know, bear with me.
Speaker 1:
I decided I didn't want to do the stand today and then I decided I didn't want to do my desk hinge today, because normally I film in my pod room, but today I felt like filming somewhere different. So I like switching up the scenery, especially based on the conversation. I feel like certain conversations are better suited in this space right here, where I got my nice comfy blanket that my mom knitted for me. This is one of like I think I got another one somewhere, but that my mama knitted for me. I got another one somewhere, but that my mama knitted for me and yeah, so like I want to get comfy. You know, y'all probably like it's a baby back there. No, this is something that I have had for um since I was born. Um, so that's like my first little doll or whatever, and he sit over here in the chair. Anyway, let's go ahead and jump into today. So today's episode is kind of I'm not gonna say serious, but I will say it has to do with a serious topic.
Speaker 1:
April is, um, like a military appreciation month almost. So you have month of the military child and so you wear purple. And then also today is Gold Star Spouse Day. So pretty much Gold Star Spouse Day. If you trace it back to the history, it started off as a day that recognized the spouses of soldiers, airmen, marines of armed forces who have lost their service member on active duty, to war or things like that. But now, here in 2024, it has been expanded to anyone who has lost a spouse on active duty, regardless of the circumstances.
Speaker 1:
Now, like I always say, everything that you hear on the show is my opinion, of my opinion alone. So I don't represent anybody else's opinions or anything like that anybody else's opinions or anything like that. So typically for Gold Star Spouse Day, there's many different events that take place. Where I live. There is a base. Typically the base holds something or like the VFW, american Legion or different organizations like that hold something, but I'm not sure what they're doing this year. For some reason, I didn't get any invites to anything this year and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that because I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I've said this before I don't want to be a widow anymore, like I'll always be the girl who lost her husband, but I don't want to be in that widow space, if that makes sense. So I'm not offended that I didn't get invited to any things that they have. They typically have a lunch or dinner or there's a gala around.
Speaker 1:
This time I am not upset at all. I feel like I have outgrown it a little bit. I love what it stands for and I appreciate being recognized on a day like today. However, I feel when—this is just me speaking for me I feel like when I am recognized—it's one thing to be recognized and celebrated but I almost feel like, when it happens, I'm being re-traumatized. I have to bring up and I get the emotions of I don't have a husband, my husband is gone, my husband was killed, and I feel like it's just re-traumatizing. Like I said, this is for me and so I don't skip over today. I acknowledge the day, but I don't put much effort into it. I don't put much time and thought I don't do anything special on this day.
Speaker 1:
I mean, this is a club that nobody wants to be a part of, yet so many people want to be a part of it, if that makes sense, and I just don't understand it. Spouse to me means marriage. Right Spouse to me means marriage. Right Spouse to me means marriage. And I don't understand how you can celebrate a day but you're not a spouse. I know that sounds petty, I know that sounds messy, but that's just the truth. Because if you're not a mother, you don't celebrate Mother's Day, do you? If you're, you know what other? Whatever, you know what I'm saying. If I'm a Sagittarius, I don't celebrate during Virgo season. I'll be like, yeah, big Virgo energy, because they just have the most energy. No, I don't do that. So I just don't understand. Just because you want to belong part of something, this is a club that nobody wants to be a part of. So I don't understand why so many people because spouse can be male or female want to be a part of this club and want this day to be recognized. I just, I don't, I don't get it. It's just, it's, it's mind blowing.
Speaker 1:
Um, to me, I just I, I I take the more private approach as a spouse and um, yeah, I just take the more private approach and I don't, I don't. I know, I know I'm a spouse, I know I'm that man wife. I don't want to keep being reminded year in and year out and be re-traumatized all over again. So for that I told y'all in previous episodes that I was going to start therapy. So I actually did start therapy and I decided to go with. I decided, instead of a regular counselor, to go with a grief counselor. I decided to go with a grief counselor because, although my husband's been dead for some years, I don't feel like I grieved properly.
Speaker 1:
I don't feel like I understood grief as somebody that's 21,. I didn't understand what grief was, I didn't understand the stages, I didn't understand the emotional roller coaster of it and I think by starting therapy, I think it has helped me to kind of break away from holding on to an old piece of my life, like I don't forever have to be, I'll forever be that man's wife, but I don't have to forever live in that moment. I'm trying to learn not to be in that moment, and so I feel that if I would have went to any events or activities today, I feel like I can take 10 steps forward and then attending an event it would put me 10 steps back, it would put me 20 steps back, because then I'm back in this area of sadness, depression, anger, guilt. I'd be back there when all this time I've been making these strides. Man, I'm telling y'all losing a spouse, that emotional rollercoaster is an understatement. Okay, that is an understatement. So I also wanted to talk about I was talking with my best friend the other day, best friend Susan.
Speaker 1:
I was talking with her the other day and I told her. I said I just I don't know why it's so hard of breaking away from the stigma of wanting to hold on to being a spouse. I don't know why it's so hard to you know, I feel like if I let it go, I'm going to miss something and I know I'm not because I'm already missing the most important thing. And I also feel like I don't do this day very well. I don't like going to the events anymore because I feel like sometimes the women aren't genuine. They don't and it's, you know, it's very, it's very challenging, it's very petty, like I can wholeheartedly, y'all know, like the, the, the reality shows, like the housewives shows and stuff like that, there could wholeheartedly be a widow's one, like 1,000% could be one, and I'd be on it too, cause I'd be on it Like, like no lie.
Speaker 1:
But you know, being a, a gold star spouse is difficult, because people look at you different. You know they feel like they just should always give you sympathy. You know people always say I'm so sorry for your loss and you're like OK, thank you. And it's like they get upset because you don't show enough sadness, because I'll be like there'll be like oh, your ghost. I'm like I am so, so sorry and I'm like thank you, it's okay. And they're like no, no, it's not. And I'm like you're re-traumatizing me all over again, because now you told me, no, it's not okay. And so now you've put me back in that mind frame, in that state of mind that you're right, it's not okay, my spouse is gone.
Speaker 1:
Now I'm angry and I'm mad and thank you, because you couldn't just let me be humble and accept your condolences. You just couldn't let me live. You just couldn't let me live, you couldn't let me live and yeah, it just nah, no. So it's to the point now, like I don't even tell people, like when I meet new people, like I let people find out on accident you got to find out on accident that my husband passed away, and then I don't tell people how he died, just know he died. Because now you give me your condolences and now you're trying to be nosy. We're not going to do that. You gave your condolences, let it do that. Like you get your condolences, like let it be that Now I don't know, like how many actual spouses listen to my show, because nobody's told me so what I'm saying they might find controversial.
Speaker 1:
So I hope that one of them listens and lets me know if they agree or if they disagree with what I'm saying. Like I said, it's my truth and only I can tell my truth, truth. And only I can tell, um, only I can tell my truth, um. So there's that. Um, let's see, I don't have my notes in front of me, uh, so I'm trying to remember off the top of my head. So please forgive me, please forgive me.
Speaker 1:
So I think that you know, being around a widow community, I think I don't think it's any good for me and, whoo see, I don't think it's any good for me Because I'm not, because I'm so private and I'm not one to exploit my spouse's death, like I'm not. Every time somebody says hi, I go, hey, my husband got killed in Iraq, right, like I don't look for, hey, my spouse got killed in Iraq. And you know, I want you to feel sorry for me. And so, since my husband got killed in Iraq, what you going to do for me? I feel like that's not well, I don't feel, I know, like that's not me.
Speaker 1:
And that's another reason why I want to kind of break away from the widow community, because not only does it have the stigma of, okay, your spouse died, but it's also the stigma of widows beg. And I don't want to be part of that, because Charlotte don't beg for not a thing, not a thing, not a thing. You know, we, we don't, we don't beg at all and when and I've seen it, I've, I've seen it and I try to distance myself from it and I feel like sometimes, when spouses do that, it makes it hard for other spouses, it leaves room for us to be taken advantage of and it just brings a limelight to you that I don't, I don't be wanting to be, um, I don't be wanting to be a part of, and my, my pet peeve, my ultimate, ultimate pet peeve, is when somebody knows my circumstance and situation and they go and tell somebody else that I don't know. And then I meet somebody and they telling me about my husband, like what, like you're telling me about his circumstances, you know, like, that's like the ultimate pet peeve of mine. And dreams uh, outside this podcast, that I want to do to help other widows, um, just kind of like, like, just just, i'ma leave it at that, because, boy, I, oh people be out there, be stealing dreams and ideas, but I, just today is just one of those days and I just don't, I don't know, I don't know. I mean, and then people say happy gold stars, but I say like ain't nothing happy about today, like ain't nobody asked to be here but go off, but yeah. So this episode gonna be pretty short because this, you know, is not too much to say about a day like today. But you know, I put it out there, it's my thoughts, it's my opinion, you know got respected. Put some respect on it. Put some respect on it.
Speaker 1:
So for this segment of you can't make this up, I always it's month of the military child too, and both of my I'm a military child because both my parents are military and my kids they military children too because they mama daddy was in the military, so they military children too. So I'm going to bring you a new face story, because that's where the joy and excitement is at. And we were talking this week he went and got his cast off and so, oh no, he actually said this when we went. We went to Universal this past weekend and he goes, and I had on a little T-shirt, like a little sleeveless shirt, a little situation. And he goes, mom, he's like you got muscles, like somebody who's been in jail for a long time. Thank you, son. And I just happened to be wearing white and orange that day. So, like this is a very he. He don't care what he say. He don't care what he say. He don't care what he say. He don't care what he say. He don't care who around when he say it. My boy just say what is on his little mind. So thank you, new Face, for complimenting me on my never been to jail muscles. I appreciate that and I will not be wearing orange again, um, cause I don't want there to be any confusion with that.
Speaker 1:
All right, and to wrap this up, y'all know I got to do my song lyric of the week. Um I this song very good song. Uh, it makes me cry. Song, very good song. It makes me cry. If I need a good cry, I turn this song on because it literally tells how I feel. It literally tells how sells goes easy on me. I was still a child, didn't get the chance to see, and that's pretty much how my life has been. My husband passed away. I was still a child. I was at just turned 21. So that is the song and piece of lyric for the week, as always.
Speaker 1:
If you have not already, please go check out the YouTube page. Make sure you like and you subscribe to that as well. Make sure you are following the Instagram page as well at thegagispod. Make sure you're following me as well, smartfit__oke. I am on TikTok as well. Make sure you are hitting the follow button on Apple or Spotify. When you do that, it will ensure that each week when a new episode comes out, you are automatically going to get that episode because it's automatically going to download for you. Make sure you tell a friend, make sure you share with a friend. Like I said, this is not just a widow podcast, I'm a mother too, so you know, yeah, so thank you for joining me again for another week. I am your girl, charlie Shantae. This is the Gag Is Podcast. Bye, guys.