Healthy Boundaries and Forgiveness: A Path to Peace

Have you ever struggled with letting go of resentment and anger? Join me, as I share my personal journey of navigating self-forgiveness after a challenging hiatus due to illness. In this heartfelt episode of the Gag Is podcast, I open up about the profound impact that forgiving oneself and others can have on our mental and emotional well-being. Discover how embracing forgiveness has helped me find inner peace and clarity, enabling me to enjoy better sleep and improved mental health.

We'll also tackle the intricacies of forgiveness, including the importance of asking for and accepting apologies, regardless of the outcome. Learn how maintaining healthy boundaries and extending grace to those who seek forgiveness can transform your relationships and contribute to a more peaceful life. By sharing my own experiences and practical insights, I hope to inspire you to explore your own path to forgiveness. Don't miss out—download, share, and stay tuned for more empowering conversations!

Chapters

• 0:35 The Power of Forgiveness
• 14:08 The Complexities of Forgiveness

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:36

Hey guys, welcome back to the Gag Is podcast. I am your girl, charlie Shantae. Thank you for coming back and thank you for joining me on another week. Oh, my gosh, it feels so good to be back. I think I said that on the last episode, but shortly after that episode I got sick again, and that brings us to here. Episode I got sick again and that brings us to here. So, like I said last time, instead of rushing um, instead of rushing the content or whatever, trying to get better, I just went ahead and just decided to take the the the better part of the summer off. Um, take some time, relax, enjoy, do some writing, just some different stuff like that. But since I've been taking a break, that means I've been working on some good things for y'all, some good content, got a lot of good things coming up. Time to get these things back in rotation. You know, let's just put it back in rotation and get it together. I missed y'all. I hope y'all have been taking this time to catch up, not only on the audio portion of this, but also you've been going over to YouTube and checking that out as well. Remember, all of it drops on the same day day. Yeah, it just feels good to be back and I'm unsick.

Speaker 1: 2:16

Now I am me into today's topic, forgiveness. I've been going strong. I think I'm about 30 something episodes in and I was like, oh my God, I've gotten sick. You know I haven't been able to put out my content or whatever. You know I'm going to lose listeners and you know different things like that. But I had to sit back and I had to give myself grace. I had to you know, quote unquote forgive myself because you know, nothing that has transpired has been things that I have been within my scope of what I can control. So, you know, I kind of was like, you know, you got to forgive yourself, give yourself some grace, give yourself some understanding for everything that's been going on. So, before we jump in, make sure you get your drink, get your snack, whatever it is, snuggle up, get your blankie, get cozy. So, cause we're going to, we're going to dive in deep today. We're going to dive deep into forgiveness. And remember, if you are listening to this, make sure you are downloading the episode. Um, yeah, cause those downloads really count. You can anywhere, any platform. That way, make sure you share, um, make sure you also hit the download in the corners on Apple and on Spotify. That way, you can be notified every time a new episode is released and it automatically downloaded for you, so that you never miss an episode.

Speaker 1: 3:53

So let's go ahead and jump into today's topic, since I've been on a little breaky break, you know, and in the same time I've been on break, I've been trying to create like a new little scenery for the show or whatever, and so I've been bouncing back and forth between this and some other ones. So you're going to see me transition between a few different ones. So just bear with me. So I don't have my screen, I don't have my timer counter, so I just got my phone. So, hey, bear with me.

Speaker 1: 4:26

It's about the message and not how the message is per se presented. You know, it ain't got to look the prettiest, but the message is here. But the message is here, so it's not even pulled up anymore. I had it pulled up, but you know that's okay, we're going to get it pulled up and we're going to get back in the swing of things, because clearly I done forgot what I'm supposed to be doing here. All right, so forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 5:02

Life is life and in life we're going to make mistakes and you know those states can be intentional or they can be unintentional. You just never really know. So I've had to learn, because many times things happen and the first thing I do is blame myself and I'm like you know it's my fault, you know if this wouldn't happen, you know if I did this then this wouldn't happen. I've had to learn to forgive myself and when it comes to other people, I will always say I forgive you. And we say it all the time, like girl it's okay, or man it's okay, I forgive you, but do you really know what those three words mean? Like I forgive you, but do you really know what those three words mean? Like I forgive you, like you saying it, but do you know, like, what it actually means and do you understand the power of those three words? I feel so bad that I have to keep referencing my phone, but I never really took the time to understand when I told somebody I forgave them. I never really took the time to understand what the words mean, to understand what those words mean to them and what those words meant to me or coming from me to someone else.

Speaker 1: 6:41

A lot of times we'd be like like somebody will wrong us or you know we are wronged in a situation and we'd be like man, it's all right because I'm not gonna never talk to that person again or I ain't gonna fool with them no more, because I see what type of person you are. Excuse me, I see what type of person you are, so I'm just not going to never deal with you. So, as time goes on, you just harbor those feelings and you're just carrying those feelings around and you're just carrying them around, carrying around, carrying around, and although it's not in the front of your mind, it's somewhere lodged in your memory and you're kind of like okay, like so-and-so did me wrong, but you know I ain't dealing with them. So I mean, it is what it is. But have you ever sat and thought if I forgive them, it'll do me some good? Because you have to remember, it'll do me some good, because you have to remember.

Speaker 1: 7:42

I've always been told forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Forgiveness, forgiving somebody, is like you you eat, you eating poison and expecting the other person to die. The forgiveness is for you, the forgiveness is not for the other person. Now, if that person accepts your forgiveness, then that's just what it is. So, lord, I just can't read my writing y'all, maybe if I turn my phone this way. Okay, there we go, there we go. And so, for me, forgiveness frees you from. I feel like it frees you from heaviness because, like I said, I feel like you so much and I'm not even tired. It's like you need.

Speaker 1: 8:45

Forgiveness is a good thing and like, like I said, you say it, you don't really know what it means, but you, inadvertently, you carry it around with you and you don't even really know that you carry it around, and then, until some't even really know that you carry it around, and then until something triggers it, and then you remember like, oh, I don't deal with that person, but have you actually like, just because you don't deal with them, does that mean that you've dealt with the situation? Not necessarily. So probably a few years ago I decided I want to say it was like around COVID I decided that you know, I needed, I felt like I was carrying around a lot, I felt like there was a lot of heaviness going on and I was like you know, there's some things that I've done in my past to wrong people and there are some things that people have done in my past to wrong people, and there are some things that people have done to me in the past and I just need to make amends with that, not for them, but for myself. And I just sat down and I prayed and I was like, you know, I forgive people. And if I was able to tell people, you know, I forgive you.

Speaker 1: 10:04

Some people I haven't told I forgive you. But just because I didn't tell them that I've forgiven them doesn't mean that it's invalid. Some people will be like, well, what is this about? Or what is this for? And it's kind of like you know, this is for me, it's not for you, but in my heart I've made peace with it, I've forgiven you.

Speaker 1: 10:34

So, you know, some people I've forgiven and I just didn't want to talk to them anymore. And I feel like talking to them would you know tell, letting them know that I forgive them I feel like it would bring up, it would bring up some things that shouldn't be brought up or bring and harbor about new feelings and things like that and just open up a whole new can of worms that don't even need to be opened up. And so, um, people close to me, you know, I was kind of like, yeah, like I, for I forgive you. You know, like it is what it is, like I see you for who you are now, but just know that I forgive you and then I just hope that the way you wronged me is a way that someone never wrongs you, because it's that's terrible. Like you should never, you know you should never do what it is um you done and I forget. For me forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 11:30

Um, I wanted to, you know, release the guilt um that I had. I had to realize that, um, but not everything is in your control, is in your fault If somebody other. I'm not responsible for other people's actions and you know I can't live if, the what, if, or the woulda, coulda, shoulda or something like that. So I've had to do a lot of forgiving, of self, self-forgiveness, because I can't control what other people do. I can't hold myself accountable for what other people do. I can't put that guilt on me, you know. So I had to take a step back and be like you know forgive yourself, because everybody's problem is not your problem, charlotte. Like you, you can't fix everybody's mess. You can't fix, uh, everybody's. You know you can't fix everybody's mess, um, and did forgive some of the times that I've forgiven. You know I've forgiven and I apologize and the apology you know they say it was accepted They'd be like, ok, I accept your apology, but in the same instance that they accepted my apology, they kept me in the same space that I was in.

Speaker 1: 13:07

So if someone comes to you in a so say, for instance, someone comes to you and they apologize, it's okay not to accept their apology and, you know, not accept their forgiveness Because, remember, the forgiveness is for the other person, it's not necessarily for you. Does that mean you're a bad person because you don't forgive somebody In my eyes? No, because that's just how you feel. Maybe you have not dealt with the situation. So, if somebody comes to you and apologizes and asks for forgiveness, the forgiveness is for you, it's not for them. However, if somebody apologizes and, you know, ask for forgiveness, the forgiveness is for you, it's not for them. However, if somebody apologizes and asks you for forgiveness, just because you don't forgive them, don't mean that you can continue to dog them or treat them in any kind of ill way, because if you can't forgive that person, that means that's something that you got to deal with, that's something inside of you that you need to sit down, you need to think about and you need to understand.

Speaker 1: 14:09

Like I said, I have personal situations where I know that I wasn't the best person and I went and asked people for you know, I told them I was like you know, if you just forgive me, forgive me, I didn't have the best judgment and character, just please forgive me. And if they did, they did. If they didn't, they didn't. Either way I asked. It may or may not have been given to me, but I know that I got that off of me. I dealt with that. I've laid that thing to rest, got that off of me. I dealt with that. I've laid that thing to rest, put that thing to bed and that was for me. So now I have that off of my conscience, I have that off of my chest.

Speaker 1: 14:54

I will say this If somebody comes and asks for forgiveness, if you don't forgive them, that is fine. Don't treat them like crap. Don't do that, because now you pouring salt on a wound. You know what I'm saying. Like, so, so, so. Don't do that. Like, be understanding and like we at a big age, now that we should be able to talk things out and we should be able to understand things. And you know, you have to understand. You haven't always been in the position that you're in. You know so, just because you feel like you grounded or whatever like that, just because you grounded don't mean the others that are around you or the people that used to be around you are in the same space as you. So you can't expect that. You can't expect that from people. Never let somebody question your apology, your apology. Like people, they'll accept your apology but keep you in the same space. You know so is it?

Speaker 1: 16:13

It is kind of like a get back type of thing which is like so stupid. Like if I say I forgive you, I forgive you, I ain't going to move the same with you. We're not going to be tight, we're not going to be cool like how we used to be. However, I'm not going to treat you in any kind of way. I'm not going to be ill-willed towards you, because that's just wrong. Why continue to treat you like a crappy person? Because how? I know you don't already feel crappy on the inside for the way that you treated me in whatever space that you were in. You know so. You know as, at this big age and us being adults, we need to understand that. You know, all it takes is a little bit of communication. A little bit of communication. It goes a long way and, like I said, one of the things that I had to learn was to not get upset when somebody didn't accept my apology. And you know you can't hold stuff over someone's head, you know that's just crazy my notes be so long and then, when it's time to record, it seem like they get so short and I don't get it. I don't understand. I don't understand, but we're going to keep on trucking.

Speaker 1: 17:48

Um, some of the takeaways that I would say for forgiveness is everyone's journey to forgiveness will look different. Um, are there still some situations in my life that I have? Are there still some situations in my life that I still got to deal with? Absolutely? I'm not 100% forgiveness free, which you would say, but in due time I'll deal with that. I just, I just know it's just going to take a little bit of time because I have to find the correct way to process it. I can't process every situation of forgiveness the same, because it's just like every situation doesn't. The solution is not a one size fits all. So when I'm forgiving, I have to make sure what I used in the past and how I progressed and forgave in the past may not necessarily be the correct technique that I use now to practice forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 19:06

And my other takeaway is I understand the meaning of the words, so, um, I don't just throw it out there anymore. I don't be like, oh my bad, you know, please forgive me, like I don't just throw it out there like that. You know, I found alternate terms, alternate phrasings or sayings. Instead of you know, I forgive you or please forgive me, I feel like there's other words with it. Now, this is not for everybody. This is not to say, oh, you can't say I forgive you or will you forgive me? This is just me, this is just my thoughts, this is just my journey and how I do things.

Speaker 1: 19:58

But forgiveness is big and I feel like once I started forgiving and making amends with a lot of things, I started forgiving and making amends with a lot of things. I want to say. A lot of different things in my life got better, like I started being able to sleep better. I have more clear thoughts, and I will say none of the people with the exception of I'm't know what you're going to say, with that exception None of the people that I've had to forgive. I haven't allowed them back in my life Because I feel like I'm too old to go back down a road with somebody again because how I know you're not going to wrong me, like how you've wronged me before you know, and I'm just at a point where I'm not willing to take that risk because I like a peace of mind and I don't.

Speaker 1: 21:08

I don't want to be around somebody, you know that's holding stuff over my head. I don't want to have to go to sleep, be like well, did so-and-so really mean a forgiveness toward me? You know when they said that we was good, like I don't want to have to ever question anything, and you know when you're at, when you're talking about forgiveness some, some instances, I feel is warranted to go tell the person, because you never know the person that you say that I forgive you to. Or you know all is forgiven, all as well, what that person has been holding on to, and maybe that person has been holding on to whatever. The situation is waiting for you to say your forgiveness or whatever. Maybe they've been holding on to that.

Speaker 1: 21:59

Does that make sense? Let me see. I don't know if that makes sense. You don't know if your I forgive you set someone free of something that they may be holding on to. I hope that makes sense, like in my mind. That makes sense, like what I'm trying to say, but I hope, I hope that it comes out the way that I think it is in my head because, like your I forgive, you can set somebody free from something that they holding on to, um, something they harboring in, something that that could not even have to do with you, something that is completely different. I hope that makes sense. I really hope that makes sense Cause, like I said in my head, it makes sense. It makes sense. But, yeah, like forgive but never forget. That's the motto that I live by. I forgive but I never forget. You know, some people be like, well, how can you forgive but you don't forget? Easy, like one don't have to do with the other. You know, like they can stay independently. They don't have to coexist together. Why I keep hitting this microphone? They don't got to coexist together. Why I keep hitting this microphone? They don't got to coexist together. They can be independent from each other.

Speaker 1: 23:32

Um, if anything that I want to leave y'all with is, after you listen to this, if there's somebody or a situation that's been bothering you and you've had a hard time forgiving someone. Call them, text them, reach out to them and let them know that you forgive them and it's going to be okay, because we don't know when it's our turn to go. We don't know when it's our turn to go, and I always make sure I tell people what's on my mind and how I feel about them, because, being someone who thought that she was going to get another phone call from her husband and never got one, I make sure I put it all out there on the table because I would hate for something to happen to somebody and I never got to tell them that I forgive them and so I don't want to put anybody. I don't want anybody to feel that. So call them and let them know that you forgive them. It don't make you weak, don't make you anything, it don't make you less of a person, you know. How do you know that it's not going to make you feel better? How do you know it's not going to release some pressure off of you? Yeah, so that is how I feel about forgiveness. Now, I ain't got no. You can't make this up because, like I said my first day back out here, and I ain't got no story for y'all today. I ain't got no story. Forgive me, but I'm going to have my stories together. Like I said, I got a lot of big things coming up for y'all and I can't wait to share with y'all. I can't wait for y'all to see we're coming up on a one-year anniversary, so I'm doing something really special for that.

Speaker 1: 25:38

Make sure you are following the social media pages. You can follow my page. Smart underscore uh. Smart fit underscore, smart fit underscore oaky. It's gonna be in the description box. Make sure you are following the podcast page on instagram as well. The gag is pod. Please make sure that you are going and following that. Please make sure you are following us on YouTube. The gag is pod. All of this will be linked down in the description box Before we go.

Speaker 1: 26:27

We got song and lyric of the week and I think I think I think I have it. Like I said, I am back and I am. I'm a little discombobulated, so forgive me. Oh, since we're talking about forgiveness, I said that the song or the lyric of the week was going to be Beyonce, me, myself and I, because she says Me, myself and I. That's all I got in the end and that's very true. All you got in the end Me, myself and I. That's all I got in the end, and that's very true. All you got in the end me, myself and I and the big man upstairs. All right, that's all I got for y'all this week. Please make sure you are following all the social media platforms. Please make sure you are liking, sharing and subscribing and all of that good jazz. And until next week, I am your girl, charli Chante. This is the Gag Is Podcast Bye.