Reflections on Grief and Personal Growth

This episode explores the journey of grief and healing following the 18-year anniversary of the host's husband's passing. It delves into the complexities of experiencing joy alongside sorrow, the relevance of therapeutic support, the ethics of monetizing grief, and the personal growth that emerges from loss. 

• Acknowledging the anniversary of loss while pursuing happiness
• Understanding that two contradictory emotions can coexist 
• The role of therapy in managing grief 
• Reflections on online grief communities and their impact 
• Discussing the ethics of "grief for pay" 
• Personal anecdotes of growing up as a widow 
• The emotional process of decluttering memories 
• Preparing for future relationships and healing

Chapters

• 0:00 Moving Forward After Loss
• 7:35 Journey Through Grief and Healing
• 17:23 Finding Closure and Moving Forward
• 25:33 Letting Go, Moving Forward From Grief

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:35

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the Gag Is Pot. I'm your girl, charli Shante. Thank you for joining me on another episode. Happy Friday to you. Or, if you listened to this some other day, happy weekday or weekend to you. Thank you for joining me on another episode. Joining me on another episode.

Speaker 1: 1:03

We're going to go ahead and jump on in this thing because I felt like there was something I was supposed to say but I forgot. So go ahead and grab your drink, grab your snack, whatever it is you grab when you listen to this, or if you driving and listen to this, go ahead and turn them ears on high so that you can absorb everything that we got going on today. I guess I can say today's a special episode, or it's a special topic. We're going to go with that. It's a special day, special topic, we gonna go with that. It's a special day, special topic, um, one that I am not shattered by doing anymore. Um, let's say that. So, like I said, grab your drinks, grab your snacks, whatever. Make sure your volume is good if you're driving, um, and before all of that, before we jump in, make sure you are following, make sure you are going and hitting the little plus sign that's in the top right hand corner of whatever platform that you're listening on, so that every time a new episode is dropped, you get it automatically. You ain't got to worry about if it's a new episode out, because if you're following me and you hit that plus sign, you're going to already get it. All you got to do is tune in and listen, make sure you're following us on thegagitspod, on Instagram and it's the same handle on YouTube. All right, let's go ahead and jump into today's episode.

Speaker 1: 2:31

So today's episode, on Tuesday, was the 18th year anniversary of my husband passing away and you know it always sucks because, like, the beginning of the year is like we have a new start to the year, but I know, just 35 days later, it's like one of the most terriblest days of you know, of my life. You know, and it's like so it's like you going from being on this high to, you know, being like dang, like he's really gone. This year has been a better year because I go to therapy and I do what I'm supposed to do and I retain the information, but it seems like when I retain the information, I don't act on the information like I'm supposed to. So I'll be told something and I'll be like, ok, yes, I got it. And then I really don't have it. And then, out of the blue, I got it, I just have it.

Speaker 1: 3:47

I'm starting to learn two things can be true at the same time, and what I'm learning is the two things that can be true is I can miss him like hell. All I want to, and I don't have to be sad, and I know you're probably like, oh, that sounds weird. I miss him and then I get super sad and I feel like I've been forcing myself to be sad because if I remember the day and I'm not sad, it makes it in my mind. The way my mind works, it's kind of like oh, you forgot about him, sis, because today, today that he died, and you ain't even sad. But things can be true. You can acknowledge and you can move on. You don't have to be stuck in just that one space. And I think this year I'm finally understanding that you acknowledge the day and you didn't. You weren't sad, you didn't have to be sad. You acknowledge the day and you didn't have to stop your whole life. You didn't have to say, oh, my God, like this is just so sad, and just just bawl and cry, say, oh my God, like this is just so sad, and just just bawl and cry.

Speaker 1: 5:00

I acknowledged and I kept my day going. Have I had some rough days leading up? Absolutely. I've had some insomnia days, I've had some a few panic attacks, you know, and stuff like that. But I know that that's part of it, not because I remember the panic attacks, because my body is trying to forget. And when, since my body is trying to forget, it's kind of like if you forget, you're wrong. And then, like the other part of my brain is like no, no, no, that's not healthy, that's not what's going on here, and it's kind of like, oh, ok.

Speaker 1: 5:38

So I acknowledged and I continued on with my day and it was just as simple as that and I've made it through another year. I can't believe it's been 18 years, because I'm like 18 years ago I was 21, had just turned 21. And now here I am going to be 40 this year and it's like my whole adulthood I've been a widow and that is super crazy. It's just super crazy. So you know the way that some people you know, when you're 21 and you're learning lessons and you're finding out and stuff like that, like I didn't have that, the opportunity to do that, because it's like I turned 21. I got drunk and then a few weeks later I had to be a widow and I'm like I got to be something that I don't even know how to be. I don't even know nobody that's been is to ask for guidance. Don't even know nobody that's been this to ask for guidance. So I just got to go and I got to figure it out. And it wasn't until I was like in my thirties that I started figuring it out.

Speaker 1: 6:47

And you know, I've let so much time go and so much time passed me by and I feel like I'm about to have to start playing catch up, because it's kind of like, why didn't I catch this in like my twenties? Playing catch up because it's kind of like, why didn't I catch this in like my twenties? You know what I'm saying Like why is it just making sense now in my thirties? Like that is. That's crazy, you know. But instead of dwelling on what I couldn't grasp in my twenties, I'm going to go ahead while I know now and go ahead and make it, um, make it right and not and not beat myself up, um, and I'll be myself up about it because I was, I was still a kid and for so long it's like when something happens and somebody passes away, like that day is forever Right.

Speaker 1: 7:36

And so sometimes I'm it sucks, but sometimes I feel like I'm still in a mindset of that 21 year old who lost her husband and there were kids involved, you know, and I have to remember like, no, you're not that 21 year old. The day is tragic, but you evolved from there and you've evolved so much and I'm just like, okay, you're right. So I'm getting very proud of myself. And you know, people tell me all the time they're like I don't understand how you lost your husband and you had, you know, in your early twenties and you know, you still managed to go on and not lose it, not get addicted to drugs and all of this kind of stuff. And I'm like God, because that's the only reason that I have a brief stint with alcohol. Absolutely I did, and you know, for a long time I couldn't admit that, but I did for for a minute. I had a for about two and a half years. For about two and a half years I had a severe battle with alcohol and I think the only reason why it got better is because I got pregnant with new face, like to be honest with you. So you know I've had to learn hard lessons and you know, but I'm grateful for where I am today, super grateful for where I am today. So I want to roll into, you know, one of my little mini topics.

Speaker 1: 9:08

And over the past year, I've been seeing a lot of stuff online right, and you know a lot of stuff online right, and you know, social media has become the best and the worst thing possible, because you can use it to keep in contact with people and you can use it to share information and you can also use it to tear down people. And over the past year, I've been, I don't know how. I probably liked the post one day, I don't know, but I ended up like like I started seeing these posts about widows and grieving and stuff like that and I was like, okay, you know, like, let me check these out. And I, you know cause, I was like they were black women. So I was like, you know, I can, I can resonate and, you know, relate to them. You know, let me check these people out.

Speaker 1: 10:02

I started, you know, I went on a couple of pages and then you know, like, one page leads to another page and the suggestions, and I was like, ok, cool, so there is actually a network out here of black women who share their stories upon grief, women who share their stories upon grief. And as I started taking a deeper dive into it, I started to realize that how can I put this without this sounding nasty? Okay, I'm going to call it grief for pay. You know not saying that. So let me explain that. Grief of pay is we're grieving. Your life is in shambles and I've been there, I've done that, I know how to get through it, but I'm going to charge you to help you get through it. I don't agree with that because it's kind of like, why can we not lift each other up for free? You know, like, why is your product helping sad people? Like why are you charging to help sad people?

Speaker 1: 11:12

I'm in the same boat as y'all, you know, respectively, and you know, even though they're Black women, I personally now not saying that this is not there. I personally have not come across a Black woman who is a widow at my age. Like I said, I'm not saying that this has never happened, not saying that this is not out there saying that this has never happened, not saying that it's not out there, I just haven't come across it yet. But most of the ones that I see they're like late 20s, early 30s, you know, and even in the 40s, and it's like why say, are you sad? You can't figure it out, sis? Well, do you need a community? Why do I got to pay to get to be in the community? You know what I'm saying? We all going through the same thing. Why do I got to pay to be in a community? I don't think that's cool.

Speaker 1: 12:05

My podcast dedicated to black women who are widows, dedicated to all women who are widows, and guess what? Y'all can listen for free because none of the places you listen cost money. Y'all can listen for free because none of the places you listen cost money. So I'm helping you in a sense, but I'm not charging you to help you get better, because you're and it that just doesn't sit right with it doesn't sit right with me, and you know, sitting in front of a camera, crying, like that doesn't. Now, these are just my opinions, y'all, so don't come for me. That just don't sit well with me because, like, how long did you have to sit there and drum that up to cry.

Speaker 1: 12:45

And we all know as a society we like it when people are sad and it's drama filled and different things like that. That's not just me have I had some episodes where I have cried and yeah, and there was episodes that I unintentionally cry. I can't just sit here and go okay, on the count of three I'm just gonna bust out. I'm just gonna bust out crying and then I'm gonna start talking and it's gonna be dramatic and then people are gonna be like it's okay, keep your's okay, keep your head up. I can't do that. I just can't do that.

Speaker 1: 13:13

And I don't knock anybody's journey or how they deal or how they process. But it do make me question are you really that sad? Not saying that in a bad way, but it's kind of like you know how to keep it and hold it together, but when you squeezing your eyes real hard and you making the one tear fall, I can't take you serious. Can't take you serious. Like I said, not knocking anybody's journey, not knocking anything like that, but just to me it just does not sit well with me. I like if I had products like a journal or something like that, I understand like, hey, do you need an outlet to write and, you know, get those thoughts out. Absolutely I'm going to charge, but am I going to charge you to watch me cry on camera and stuff like that? Absolutely not, not going to do that. That, just it just does not sit right with me.

Speaker 1: 14:11

I actually got my stuff. I actually got my topics today, y'all. Um, then and now, 21, being a widow, uh, I tried to go back because when he passed away, I was on my uh, myspace and I tried to go back and look at what I had written, but MySpace has wiped it. And then, um, I guess my emails were too old and Gmail got rid of my emails from him. Um, no, yahoo got rid of my emails from him. So I don't know, let me know what y'all like. Is there somebody I can reach out to to make like maybe those? Because that's kind of all I got from him. You know our emails and stuff like that. You know I'm going to have to look into that, but you're 18 then and now.

Speaker 1: 15:00

Then, like I told you previously, I did battle with alcohol for a little bit, but like I was off the train, I was out here riding. Motorcycles almost crashed a few times. I was out here riding motorcycles, almost crashed a few times and you know, I was out here living life on what we call the edge. Just just the edge is right here and I was right here. I was out here living life on the edge. I attempted to go to therapy and I quit going. And this is why I quit going for a long time, because when I went, dude was like you just said yes, sir, I am sad. I'm sad because I just lost my whole life partner and that's all you got to offer for me. But I should have known that, um, this middle-aged white man couldn't offer me any condolences about losing my black husband. You know, I'm saying that's just what it was.

Speaker 1: 15:50

And I didn't go back to therapy for a long time. I was like I can deal with this, I can deal with this, whatever, whatever. And you know I couldn't deal with it. Okay, I couldn't deal with it. And you know I was just making bad choices and bad decisions and just waking up like, okay, what are we going to do today? I don't even know what we're going do today, like we're just gonna wake up and be. I'm just gonna wake up and be a mom today and that's all it's gonna be and that's all I literally did for about seven years. I just just eight years. That that's all I did. I just woke up, without a purpose. But now and again I had to go through my 20s. And now I'm in my 30s and I'm getting better and I'm taking the opportunity to enact and flourish in the things that I did not.

Speaker 1: 16:47

After it happened, I'm finally starting to put the pieces together and, you know, get myself together, because there are some areas that, you know, I feel like I'm too old to be trying to start and thriving. But then I realize that you're never too old to do anything. You know, just because it didn't happen in your 20s, you know, doesn't mean that it can't happen for you in your 20s, you know, doesn't mean that it can't happen for you. And so now I'm like, brick by brick by brick, trying to take what I've learned over the past 18 years and finally make the foundation and finally start to build on the foundation.

Speaker 1: 17:24

And it's still rough sometimes, you know. There are still days where it don't make sense. But you know, I still have my angry days and I'm, like, you know, like why did you leave me? You know, like that was selfish of you, like why did you leave the kids? Like we got grandkids now, like why did you leave? Like why would you do that? Like that's so selfish of you.

Speaker 1: 17:43

But then I have to realize he's gone in the physical, but he forever. He's forever our angel, because I know I'd be out doing stuff and he'd be like, oh my god, like girl, and I'd be like I'm sorry, sorry sir, sorry sir, but I'm finally taking the time and, um, putting putting it together. I've started to lay the foundation and you, things are starting to get good, get better. You know I'm having to understand and I have to. I'm starting to not grief sabotage. That's probably not a word, but it's my word. Grief sabotage, like, and to me, grief sabotage is making yourself feel sad and you know basking and sitting in that yourself feel sad, and you know basking and sitting in that. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 18:34

So you know I, over the weekend, I had a day where I ate pizza, I had two ice cream sandwiches and that's just what it was. I woke up the next day and I was back on my health and you know, like, eating how I correctly eating how I was supposed to. There's nothing wrong with that? Like my friend told me. She's like there's nothing wrong with that. Like my friend told me, she's like there's nothing wrong with that. She said you just can't sit in that. And that's exactly what happened. But while I'm eating pizza and eating ice cream sandwiches, there go y'all weekly episode y'all. Even though I'm eating pizza and I'm eating ice cream sandwiches, I didn't go full blown crazy because the whole day I drunk water.

Speaker 1: 19:13

So you know, I have my days that I sit in it and I don't let it carry on. Whether that be, I have to come in my room or I have to just go somewhere and I have to do something. I sit in it and I get out of it, because when you sit somewhere too long, you get complacent, and then complacent doesn't get you anywhere. So I had that day. You know, hey, my cream sandwiches were busting hard. I ain't gonna lie to you. I was like that was the cookie ones with the ice cream, don't get me started. So you know, um, so you know um, there that's. I sit, I get over, I get over it. It's so strong I, I work through it, I process it and um, yeah, I, I wake up the next day. I, you know, refreshed and you know that's just what it is.

Speaker 1: 20:08

So, y'all know, last year I started back there. Well, I started back with my psychiatrist real heavy um and whatnot and um, when I went to see her last month she gave me some homework. She was like um cause I told her. I said I've been fumbling and toying with the idea of opening his um, his belongings box. So when a person passes away in the military they put their um stuff in these foot lockers and then they ship it to you. So I have a foot locker that has all the letters we ever wrote, has his personal belongings and all of that, and like nobody's allowed to touch it, it's in the garage, it's sealed up, nobody can touch it, like I. I have before before this incident I probably I've been in my house for seven years. I probably have not opened that in six years.

Speaker 1: 21:08

Um, you know, and I want to go through it. And as time goes on I keep stuff and then there's some stuff that I can let go, like our letters. I'll never let go of those letters, but there's like okay, so let me back up. So my psychiatrist gave me homework. She said I think if you're ready, go ahead and open the box. And I said okay. So I was hyping myself up. I was like, all right, cool, I'm gonna do this box, I'm gonna do this box. And I was like, yeah, and I was like I'm gonna pick a day and I'm gonna do it. And then I noticed, when I said I was gonna pick garage throwing something away, and I opened the box, just unintentionally, unplanned, on whatever, just opened it, picked up a letter, read it, closed the box, came back in the house and it was nothing. It was like it was closure, closure.

Speaker 1: 22:19

And I'm trying to figure out why, at year 18, I'm seeking so much closure. I don't, I don't understand, you know, but I never questioned cry, I didn't do anything, I didn't get sad. I literally went on about my day. I came in the house, I texted Nick, I said I opened a box, I'm okay. And she's like, oh my God, what she was like are you okay? Do you need anything? Do you need me to come? And I was like, nope, I'm good, I'm okay. And it felt so good to say that, like I'm good, I'm okay, like it felt super duper good to say that, and I still, I think I got a little numb. And then I got.

Speaker 1: 23:09

You know, I got into this thing where I was just like, okay, I'm just going to clean, I'm just going to let the day go. But this is like not your regular, like you know, let me make sure to like. This was like I went into a deep clean tailspin and after it was all said and done, I had still had piles and stuff because, like, when it wore off, I was just like, okay, wore off. I was just like okay, and I I've been so at peace with opening that box, but I don't know if I have right now if I'm able to go back and open it up. I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet, but knowing that I opened it and I didn't have a meltdown, I want to say that's step one. She told me. She said when you come back, I need you to tell me that you opened that box. I was like, yeah, you asked too much right now, but I'm glad I did it.

Speaker 1: 24:04

I read a letter. It brought a smile to my face and it was just like case closed and it's like well, what am I seeking closure for? Like I don't know, I don't get it, but it felt good. Um, I think it did hit me a couple days later. I still didn't cry, but it hit me like okay, he's really gone, he really gone, um, and I don't know. I don't know, I'm okay. I think I'm shocked that I'm okay, because I expected to open this box and just be in a turmoil and just be in shambles. But I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm going to go. You good, sis, like you're, you're getting better. And I didn't have to take it. I didn't in my mind I was going to turn it into a vlog, like I'm going to take y'all on this journey with me to open this box for the first time in six years, seven years, and you know, we're going to see how it goes so that I can look back on it and see where I came from. And that didn't happen. So I think maybe the next time I do it, I bring y'all along with me just to do it and to get it and to see it get done.

Speaker 1: 25:33

One of my, like I said, one of the reasons why I opened it is, I wouldn't say letting go of the past, I just say moving forward from the past and then realizing that material things yes, they do remind you. But material things are not the memories, if that makes sense. If that makes sense, um, because like everything. So this bear right here, this bear you can't see his face all the way um has pins and insignias on it from when we both were in the military, um, and this was a bear that was given to me, um, at his funeral by his best friend, um, and you know I hold on to stuff like that. You know that I'll probably never get rid of. If anything, I'll pass it down to the grand babies. But like, throw it away, like I can't do.

Speaker 1: 26:35

But I have some stuff that like balloons, like when I got balloons, like I have the foil balloons that are deflated, um, that stuff, I can let that stuff go because I always I have the pictures, I always, you know, remember that memory. I don't have to hold on to that stuff. And then I also think you know there's going to come a point in time where I'm going to, you know I'm going to be moved on new relationship, marriage or whatever, and you know I don't want to make that person feel uncomfortable. And so I feel like, instead of waiting until that day comes where it's kind of like, okay, I'm married and we're going to combine households or whatever, like that. Instead of waiting until that day and then it becoming so traumatic, traumatic, I've already started, like my next healing, my next phase of, you know, getting getting rid of the stuff. I mean, it's not, it's not.

Speaker 1: 27:50

I had to realize it's not against the law, it's not a crime, it doesn't make me a bad person. Um, like some of the stuff I know what to keep and I wouldn't know what not to keep. Some of the stuff I've had ideas of donating to different museums and different stuff like that. Um, so it's like, throwing it away is not not the end. I'll be all. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, it doesn't mean that I'm forgetting or I'm trying to erase him out of my life, you know.

Speaker 1: 28:13

And I finally had to tell myself that, like, cut it out. Tell myself that, like, cut it out, cut the shit out. You, you fine girl like you, you, you, uh, grief, sabotaging, let like, let it go, sis. Um, people always ask me would I get married again? And the answer is yes, I would. Um, but in the same sense, I'm gonna make sure that it is right and I actually can't wait to the day that I become somebody's wife again, because I'm going to get a very healed version of me. So, yeah, so I'm going to get married one day and I hate that y'all be like it's been so long and you still ain't married yet. And then I'll be like it's been so long and you've been married and divorced how many times.

Speaker 1: 29:02

Like, don't come for me Like, I do things on my time. I know when the time is right, because I want to make sure that I'm good for somebody. I want to make sure that I am not a train wreck and I don't trauma dump and I don't project my feelings of hurt and betrayal from my husband dying on somebody. Okay, like, let me do this. I got this, I got this. Okay, don't worry about who will change my last name and when they're going to do it. It'll get changed. Just know it will. Okay, that's all you need to know. You need to know who, when, what, how and why. Okay, I'm going to. You need to know. You need to know who, when, what, how and why. Okay, I'm gonna get married again. I'm just doing this. This. Charlotte's timing okay, it's god's timing, but charlotte and god time okay, it's all you need to worry about. And um, so, yeah, so, let, that's. That's, that's the end of that. You know, um, we, we've, we've come to you know what? In last year's episode I cried. I've gone through the entire episode and I did not cry. Yay.

Speaker 1: 30:11

So we're going to go ahead and wrap this thing up with our song lyric of the week, and this week the song lyric of the week is Yesterday, by Leona Lewis. Such a great song. She opens the song by saying still can't believe that you're gone and I still can't believe that you're gone, but you know, it's an eternal, forever love. Like Lauren London say, grief is the final act of love. So yeah, leona Lewis, yesterday is the song lyric of the week. If you have not already, please make sure you are following us on the socials, at thegaggastpod, on Instagram, thegaggastpod, on YouTube, and also make sure, wherever you listen to your podcast, that you are hitting a little plus sign in the right hand corner. Make sure you are hitting that so that every time a new episode is released, you are getting that notification and you do not miss out. All right, we out of this thing. Thank you for joining me on another episode. I am your girl, charlie Shante. This is the Gag is Hot. Bye, guys.