The Comeback After Grief

Finding out the truth about your spouse’s death should never happen through a random YouTube video. After months away from the mic, I’m back to explain why the break lasted so long and what it cost me to get here mentally, emotionally, and physically. This is a raw return episode about grief, trauma, and what it looks like when life keeps swinging even after you’re already down.  

I walk through a brutal stretch that includes a lingering breakup, discovering public content that shared details about my husband’s death without my permission, and the spiral that followed when I went searching for answers. We talk about the ethics of telling someone else’s tragedy, the rage that comes with realizing people can profit off pain, and the gut-level question that won’t let go: how does the world get the full story before the wife does? If you’re navigating widowhood, complicated grief, PTSD symptoms, or the heavy mix of sadness and anger, you’ll hear the parts people usually keep quiet.  

And because real life doesn’t pause for heartbreak, we also get into the stack of stress that hit next: a scary allergic reaction, the weight of holidays and anniversaries, and why therapy became non-negotiable for me. There’s even a “you can’t make this up” moment with a lawn guy who stopped cutting my grass after I turned him down, because sometimes the absurd shows up right alongside the pain. If you’ve been trying to rebuild after loss, this one is for you. Subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review so more people who need this kind of honesty can find us.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the Gag Is Pie. I am a girl Charlie Shante, and thank you for joining me on another episode. OMG. Can can I say that? Can we say OMG? Because it has been a long time. And I am here to tell you why it has been a long time. But before we jump into that, please make sure that you are liking and you subscribing

Welcome Back And Where I’ve Been

SPEAKER_00 1:10

wherever you listen to your podcast from. And then make sure not only are you subscribing where you listen, make sure you go over to YouTube at the gag is pod. Make sure you are following over there as well. And then make sure you're following us on IG so that you know when a new episode is released. But y'all probably already on it. But if you're not, go ahead and get there and then tell a friend so they can get there. As well, omg, I believe it has been man, it has been some months, and I'm probably gonna say closer to nine months or whatever. And let me just say, sometimes life gets to go in fast, and you cannot keep up with the pace, and pretty much that's kind of what happened. Um last year, some things started happening, and life got the life in, and you know, oh here comes my dog. Hello, Michael. Um, life got to life, and I don't have anything, buddy. Go go lay down. Life got the life in, and you know, um you you have to you have to take a step back sometimes and you know kind of kind of get a grasp on what is going on. So without telling too much of my business all at one time, but for transparency, because you know that's that's what we're here for. The gag is life goes on. So I got my iPad set up here to help keep me on track today. Um, man, I'm probably gonna be all over the place because it's been so long since I've done this, but I know that I was ready to be back. Uh, today's episode, it is now um the end of July. So this will probably come. I don't know when this is gonna come out, but this is July. And uh I wrote this episode back in March because I was ready to be back, but just when I was ready to be back, life threw me another curveball. And I was like, oh MG. So I have um I have my flow of how today's show is going to go. Um, and so just be patient, just stay with me. I gotta get back in the swing of things. You see my microphone slipping, so yeah, just bear with your girl. So the last episode was the first week of November. Like I said, it is July now, and it's been a minute, but I'm here. Um, I'm glad I showed up. I'm back and I'm ready to put that work back in. Um, and you know, start just start getting back to the basic, getting back to the reason why I started this pod. Um, I I had to take a little reflection and you know, see some things. You know, when life gets to life, it'll make you slow down and it'll make you think. Um, so let's see, the first thing we got on here, okay, the first last episode was the first week of November. So let me set the stage for you. So last year in June, yes, last year in June, I went through a really, really bad breakup. And you know, breakups they can be, but this was lingering and linger and lingering. So even though I was going through that breakup, I was still showing up, potting, um, doing all the things. And, you know, after a while, you know, I started getting a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better. Well,

Life Hit Fast And I Paused

SPEAKER_00 4:51

as all of that is going on, I would say around October time frame, and y'all wouldn't have known this in the first few episodes that I put out because I always record a month in advance. So, what was read the last thing that was recorded and released in November had already been recorded before all of this, most of this had took place. So, October rolls around, and imagine being on YouTube, and you come across something, and you're like, what is this? And you start watching the video, and then you discover that the way it was told that your husband um, you know, let me see, what's the perfect word? Because I don't wanna, I don't wanna get taken down, I don't want to get flagged. What's the new word they're using? Gave up the ghost. When you find out how your husband really gave up the ghost from somebody on YouTube, somebody that probably shouldn't have even been speaking on it. Um and so when I found that out, that just it was almost like the first time that I was hearing that he was gone. And I I remember I text Nick, I said, Nick, I just found out how Spence really died. And she was like, What? Oh my god, and I'm like, Yeah, girl, there's a video on YouTube detailing um what happened, how it happened, and the days after it happened. And apparently there's a book as well that details um his death. And I was like, I need I need answers, I need to know more. And she's like, no, don't order the book. And I was like, I got to, because I gotta know. I ordered a book, it came, and when y'all can ask Nick, Nick, I I cried so hard and for so many days. I did not eat. Nick literally had to come over here, pick me up off the ground, and take me. We went to IHOP and she said, We not leaving until you eat. She said, I don't care how long it takes. If I ain't gotta go to work tomorrow, she said, if we sitting here that long until you eat. When I tell you devastated or destroyed, she called our other best friend T and T was like, who we gotta ride on? And I when I tell you I was in shambles, shambles, because this whole time I'm thinking he he left us a certain way, and then I'm finding out that what you told me isn't even true, and so now I I'm mad, I'm upset, and I'm ready to swing on everybody. I mean, I'm ready to swing on everybody. Literally looked the individual up that wrote the book and did the videos and found out the person's lives like two hours from me. And I was like, that ain't nothing but a day ride. Like, we ride at dawn. Um, because do you what just because, and this is just my rationale, just because your therapist told you that you should tell the story and get it out and get it off your

A Breakup While Still Showing Up

SPEAKER_00 8:52

conscience, don't mean that you should document it for the world to see. Because that man had a wife and that man had kids. And I guess you just thought that it would never be found. And when I tell you, I don't even know how I got led to this. It just like popped into my feed, and I'm not even gonna lie to you. I was on my burner account and it popped into my burner account, and I was like, what in the world? I was like, this is crazy, crazy. Um, I keep losing my spot on here. It went and it was this happened, like I said, in October. So this was like right before the holidays, and I was just like, oh my god, like I'm already dealing with a bad breakup. Um just found out how my husband really gave up the ghost, and what is happening? And I still gotta go on and I still gotta function. Like, I am consumed with anger. I am just like Nick. I literally don't bother anybody, don't bother anybody, but why would somebody feel like it was okay without my permission? Why would somebody feel like it was okay to go out there and tell my husband's story about what happened to him? And y'all wasn't even privy enough to tell his wife. Like, how does that happen? Like, how did we get here? Like, what in your good conscience that I'm gonna tell this story? And you know, and I got my answer to that. Like, what would make a person do that? And I read the book, and the book said in it, this is my story to clear my conscience, and I don't care who don't like it. Excuse me. So you're talking about people who paid the ultimate sacrifice, and you don't care what nobody got to say, not even the families. Okay, cool. I when I tell you it was a lot of prayer, it was a lot of prayer uh and some alcohol over the next few days that came. And so I'm like, all right, I just gotta, you know, I'm gonna have to work through this. So I decided to take New Face out to our favorite restaurant, and went there and I get an item on the menu and thinking it's all good, taking all precautions, and I end up having an allergic um reaction.

Finding The Truth On YouTube

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Now, if you're watching this on YouTube, then I will put the pictures up. But if you're listening after you listen, go to YouTube so that you can see the pictures. I have an allergic reaction. OMG. I'm like, first I gotta find out, you know, how my man's really left, and then I have an allergic reaction and I'm feeling like I'm finna go join him. I'm like, Lord, what is happening? What is happening? And I'm man, I'm I am devastated. I I don't want to talk nobody, I don't want to do nothing, I don't want to go anywhere, and it's like you can't live in this space. And I was like, Yes, the fuck I can. She's like, it's not good, it's not good, it's not good. And I was just like, well, what what what else should I do? Like, this is information that has literally destroyed me. Um I I just don't know where to go from here. Um, so you know, the holidays come, and um, you know, his birthday is typically on Thanksgiving or Black Friday or sometime within that week, so that makes it hard. Uh, and then my birthday comes up, and you know, the silver lining was it gave me a week to decompress. Um, me and Nick went on a week-long vague uh cruise for my birthday, and it gave me a chance to decompress and just to leave it all out there in the ocean, leave it all out there in the water. Um, it was just I'm just like, oh my goodness. And then New Year comes around, his anniversary, his anniversary day comes up, and I am when I tell you, I am over here boo-hoo crying. I'm talking about snotting. Like, I just I don't I just don't understand how when people get things off their conscience. I I'm never against people getting stuff off their conscience, but when you get stuff off your conscience, you have to remember that if it involves other people, especially um people of this magnitude, I mean, I found out details about what happened that I'm 1,000 not com percent not comfortable with the entire world knowing. I'm I'm I'm not comfortable with the world knowing those details, and I didn't even know those details. I just wanted to know like how how does the rest of the world get to know how my husband paid the sacrifice, and me as his wife doesn't even get to know how does that happen? And the crazy part about it is I talked to this individual, and this individual said none of this stuff to me. Uh so I want to know how how do you sit and lie to my face, uh, but then you go tell the world about it and make money off of it. I how does that how does that happen? Uh how how are you okay with that? I I just want to know. Um, you know, and I did some deep diving, like this individual is like really big in their church now, and I'm like, the fact that I've been living in Florida for 12 years, and I've been walking among this individual for 12 years is crazy. Probably um ran into this individual because this individual hasn't always lived two hours away, or they lived closer to me, they've lived an hour away. And I frequent where that person used to live, and I just want to know like I said, I probably rubbed elbows with this individual unknowingly, and I it just

The Book And The Breakdown

SPEAKER_00 16:14

nasty work, nasty work, and it has taken some therapy, some serious therapy just to even be okay and because there's so much anger wrapped around it, and you know, if we keep it 100, if you wouldn't have died, then I would have never had to experience a heartbreak from somebody else. It's it's too deep. I ain't even gonna get into that, but that's just kinda for a minute, that's kind of where my mind was. Uh, I'm always keeping 100 with y'all, regardless if you like it or not. But that's just what that's where my mindset was. Uh, and to this day, I'm still in therapy. I have no problem saying that or talking about that. Um, you know, because this was something that traumatic that has happened to me. And then, you know, everything that's going on now, like it don't make it no better. Um, you know, and I said, you know what? I said, I have actual people who enjoy the pod. And um, you know, I owe them. I owe them. I owe them to keep going and to continue. Um, because people are like, you're so brave and you're so strong, and you know, um I feel like this time around it's gonna be a little bit different. Um, y'all see I done cut all my hair off. That's that's a story for a different episode. But um I'm getting better now, and I I can say with all my heart, I am super duper excited to get back. I don't know yet. I will say I don't know yet the frequency. I'm gonna try for every every week, like I was doing, but until I really get back in the group, it may be every other week, I'm just not sure. But y'all will start getting stuff, there will start being stuff on the Instagram page. Um, so you can go and check that out. Um, I y'all know I always have to leave y'all with a you can make this up. So my you can make this up for my return. Is it's springtime, it's summertime, and I didn't have a lawn man for a long time because let me tell you, I had a lawnman local, I guess he's standing neighborhood. Hell, I don't know. But my neighbor Crusher uses him, so I was like, I'll use them too. And he do a good job, and whatever, whatever. So he texted me one day, he's like, I did your yard, whoop-doo-poo. And then he was like, he tried to shoot his shot, and I was like, No, I'm good, you know, because this was back in like October, November. Around all this time, the time all this is happening. I was like, No, I'm good, you know, whatever. Like, I just I'm dealing with like a bad breaker, you know, I'm dealing with my husband's passing. It's not the right time. So since I turned him down, he was like, I ain't cut your grass no more. I was like, I got dismissed because and so I seen him again cut in my neighbor's yard like months later. So I made it uncomfortable. I was like, You just ain't gonna cut my grass no more. And he's like, nah, nah, it ain't even like that. Like, sir, like I literally hired you because I'm tired of cutting this grass, and you don't even want to cut the grass. So he cut my grass, started cutting my grass again, but I had to ask him Dave because he ain't cut the grass, the grass is like tall. And I'm like, hey, bruh. And I'm like, you ain't cut them bushes last month either, like you were supposed to. Like, yeah, like I need for you to get on it. So that's my little funny. You can't make this up. And last but not least, my song lyric of the week for my comeback episode is gonna be Destiny's Child Survivor. Um, I think this song sums it up. I'm great. I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up uh or anything like that. So make sure you guys are subscribing to the IG page, make sure you're subscribing on YouTube, and then make sure you're subscribing wherever you listen to your podcast at. Make sure you share, friend, because this podcast is just not about grief, it is about grief parenting in real life. I got something for everybody, you know. But until next time, I am your girl, Charlie Shante. This is the Gaggis Pod. Bye, guys.