Stop Mocking Grief

Grief doesn’t end after the funeral—and neither do the opinions, comments, and unsolicited advice.

In this video, I’m having a real conversation about **life after losing my husband**, what grief looks like when everyone else has gone back to their normal lives, and what it’s like grieving in the age of social media.

I’m talking about:

💔 Life after losing my husband
📱 Grief and social media
🗣️ The unsolicited advice people give widows
🕊️ What happens after the funeral
🤖 AI-generated grief videos
❓ Why people are creating AI content using those who have passed away
🚫 When remembrance crosses the line into disrespect

This is my experience, my perspective, and a conversation I believe deserves to be had.

💬 **JOIN THE CONVERSATION:**
Have you ever received unsolicited advice while grieving? And how do you feel about AI-generated videos of people who have passed away?

Please keep the comments respectful. Grief looks different for everyone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the Gaggus Pod. I am your girl Charlie Shantae. Thank you for joining me on another episode. And hopefully, um hopefully the audio is better today because last week I did not realize that I did not have um my um I didn't realize that I had the audio set up incorrectly. Um bear with me today because as y'all can tell I don't feel very well, but I still gotta get this content and gotta get this episode out to you. And I feel like since

Welcome And Quick Housekeeping

SPEAKER_00 1:09

um since I don't feel very well today, I feel like I won't get as emotional with this episode. So before we do anything, make sure you're like and subscribe anywhere you listen to this podcast. I make sure you're following us over on YouTube as well. So not only can you get the audio version, but you can also get the um you can get the video version as well. Oh my gosh, I had a brain fart. Um, so let's go ahead and jump into today. Um today, how do I want to start this off? Today, today, today. I feel like in today's age of social media, there are a lot of things. You know, it's a platform. People get on there, they can talk about whatever they want, they can say whatever they want, and they have no bounds and no boundaries. Uh, so today's topic, it it hits close to home, and it's something that I've been noticing. Um, we we're we're we're in the middle of a conflict right now, and unfortunately, individuals are still um giving up the ghost um during this conflict. And so if you're new here, I'm just gonna give you a little backstory. I have my notes, y'all. I've been doing so good with my notes. I said when I came back that I was going to make sure that I had my notes um so that I'm not all over the place. Um, today I'm gonna talk about grief and mockery because some of y'all seem to think that it's okay to mock deceased people, and it's okay to mock their families. And let me be the first to tell you that that is not okay, and it will get you, it gets you, especially with me. I got a little thick of skin, but it's disrespectful on so many levels. Like, I I can't

Grief Has No Timeline

SPEAKER_00 3:04

even begin to begin begin to speak about how um disrespectful um it is. Everybody grieves differently, and this episode it reflects me and my journey and my thoughts and views and nobody else's. I'm just trying to give y'all the information to keep y'all from getting um getting them hands put on y'all because everybody don't play the same, everybody don't have thick skin. It's not gonna work out for everybody. Some people are going to get in their emotions and they may hurt you. And you do not, um you do not want that. So for me, my husband um has been deceased for 19 years, and I know y'all like, dang, like you look super young. Yes, um, happened 19 years ago, super, super young. I was 21, he was 24. I was 20. 20 yes, I had just turned 21 when it happened. So um now I'm 40. So my most of my 20s and my 30s, well, all of um have been stricken with grief and dealing with the loss of my spouse. Um, I'm gonna try to stay on task and stay on topic. So y'all bear with me. Uh, if this episode seems a little rushed, I do apologize. Like I said, I don't feel good, and I probably should have waited to film this episode, but I'm trying to be more consistent and things like that. But I digress. Over the 19 years, my grief has changed in all kinds of ways because I've had some highs and some super highs, and I've had some lows that it's just like I can't even deal anymore. Everybody's journey is different, and you have to allow everybody to have their own journey and everything like that. One thing I will say is stop giving people who are grieving timelines. Timelines are meant for history classes, not people's grief journey. Everybody's different, everybody's the same, not the same. What the way you see one person dealing with it is not the same way that another person is dealing with it. You may see some people that may lose their spouse and they can get up and pick up and go on and keep their hurt inside and act like something never happened. And then you may have somebody else over here who is just can't get out the bed or anything like that, and both are perfectly fine because you never know when it is going to hit you. For me, I was in a state of shock, state of belief. But then I got up and I started laughing, I started he and ha-ha. And then it was time to go and identify him and get him from the airport. I lost it. I was in shambles, like all over again. So, and and for the past 19 years, it's been like that. It's been like, this is my husband, this is my best friend, I've lost my partner, and I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. And in other times, I'm like, he's always with me, and I give myself permission to move on. And then it's other days, it's like, how dare you even think that you should move on? Everybody grieves different. There is no set time limit, there is no set timeline in what happens because I've had anniversaries, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, my birthday. Yeah, unexpected triggers. The first year, he died in the beginning of the year. He died in February, so he died um 10 days before Valentine's Day. And I always tell the story that I received a Valentine's Day card from him after he passed away. And to this day, I still have that Valentine's Day card packed away. Um packed away in safe. And I will always keep, I've never shown anybody that card or anything. That's just mine because nobody needs to lay eyes on it.

Triggers, Anniversaries, And Shock

SPEAKER_00 7:14

That's my personal item. Um, his birthday. His birthday just happened, I believe, to fall on Thanksgiving that day. I mean, that year. And I was like, OMG. And then my birthday is two weeks later. And I'm like, man, like just last year he was singing me happy birthday. And this year, he just looking over me and going, I wish I could tell you happy birthday, but you already know. You know, I want you to have the most wonderfulest birthday ever. Um, and then you have those unexpected triggers. You could see something, smell something, somebody can say something, and it would just trigger you. And you don't know what that trigger is, you don't know when it's gonna come. So there's nothing that you can do to avoid said triggers. Um, I don't know if I would be in the same boat I'm in now, like in the same space I'm in now, if social media was as heavy as it is now when he passed away back then. When he passed away, we had Facebook and um um uh what is it called? MySpace, I think it was. I don't even think YouTube, I mean, um Facebook had really gotten big, but it was more MySpace.

Social Media Mockery Hits Home

SPEAKER_00 8:36

And I I just couldn't imagine because we didn't have the go live feature and the AI and making fake videos and clipping fake videos. I when I see someone going through what I've been through now in the public eye, my heart screams because I'm like, Ain't no way. Because I've seen some of these posts, and I'm gonna I'm gonna have to come find the user behind this profile because we got we we gotta catch it, we gotta run the spade because you are disrespectful. If you sit on a computer and you mock people who have died protecting your freedom, you are a different kind of sick individual. And I mean that wholeheartedly. I seen a video, an AI-generated video of a woman and her child welcoming home a deceased service member. And if that did not burn me up to the, it just burned me up. Because why are you being disrespectful like that when there are real families out there that are going like that? And I think the video had some little girl saying something like, I love you, daddy, or welcome home, daddy, or something like that. Why would y'all even play in people's face like that? That is so, so disrespectful. And if you were in my shoes and countless other men and women's shoes who have lost their spouse, you would 1000% be disrespected and be ready to fade somebody. I'm just gonna tell it like it is. I remember when I was in school and teaching, and I don't know how it came up. I had my husband's name tattooed on my arm. I don't know how it came up, but a student got fed up with me one day and he said, I see why your husband died. Get away from you. Wow. Like people I I just don't understand people's rationale. Like, why would you why would you mock? Why would you use that type of out of anything you like to cease people is where you is is is is what does it for you? Like that's crazy. Like but like I said, people use the screen and hide behind the screen to talk about and to mock people, not realizing that um the people or us people on the other end, we're real people. We mock us for what? What is that? That that makes you feel good on the inside. That makes you feel good to know that you are the bane of somebody's sadness, somebody's upset, because you don't know what state of mind people are in. You don't know what could be their 13th reason, and you want to get a Kiki and get a rise and get views and all of this kind of stuff, and so you mock families of the fallen. Get yourself together because people often don't understand is grief is not a grief doesn't have a time frame, it's been 19 years, and I still have my moments. They don't call them as as often as they used to, but I still have my moments, and you never know um when it's gonna come. Like grief is like a roller coaster. You have your highs, you have your lows. And the thing is, when you have your lows, you gotta know how to deal with your lows, you gotta know how to get out of the lows. Um, you just gotta know, and like I've always said, this past year, I've really had to dig in, even though it's been 19 years, I've really had to dig in, and I can say the things that I've learned from therapy group sessions and things like that. The things that I have learned over the past 19 years have definitely, I would say 18 years because now I'm in year 19, have definitely helped me. And I 1000%, 1000%. Anybody that has lost a spouse, a partner, anything, therapy is it. I don't care what nobody says, therapy is it, individual and group. I I will stand on that hill that therapy is where it's at. I I I stand on that hill. Um unsolicited advice. So I'm gonna I'm gonna jump in between some different topics and um different stuff like that. Um just dealing with it because this episode, I don't know if it's still gonna be called this or not. It's called Grief and Mockery. But I'm not sure that this is gonna continue to be the title. I just have to wait until I'm finished recording this, go back and listen and edit it and see what um and see what I um I come up with. Um my next topic or area of discussion is gonna be unsolicited advice. Now, I'm not upset with people because I know that y'all be having the most the best intentions. We we don't we don't be wanting to hear some of the stuff y'all be having to say. You need to move on. What? How can I just lost my forever partner and you told me I need to move on? Like you, excuse me? You broke over somebody um 10 years ago and they still

Unsolicited Advice That Dismisses Pain

SPEAKER_00 14:52

alive and you still can't get over me. You want me to get over somebody that's deceased? Oh, okay, cool. When you get over it, I'll get over it. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah, everything happens for a reason, but don't make it like my individual being deceased is like some kind of karma or something like that. Like everything happens for a reason. Dang, okay, cool, but you know, watch tone. Watch tone. God needed another angel. We all gotta get up out of here someday. But, you know, telling us things like, you know, God needed another angel, and you know, the angel, he just happened to be, okay, like it's a way to say different stuff, and some of y'all are gonna be like, well, I don't think it's anything wrong. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with these words, but some of y'all, y'all be having ill intents, and I'm learning to see through a lot of that um BS, he's in a better place. I don't disagree. But did he have to be in that better place now? Like, I don't disagree with none of the things that that are said. That's not what I'm a time and a place for everything. Sometimes y'all be saying stuff and it don't need to be said right then and there. It just don't because you think it should be said. It it it don't need to be, um, it don't need to be said because when you when y'all say these things, y'all pretty much dismiss our feelings and how we feel, how we are supposed to just like y'all treat it like a 12-step course, and it's not a 12-step course. It could be a 12-step course, but on these 12-steps, you're gonna go forward and then you're gonna go back, and you're gonna go forward, and you're gonna go back. And that's gonna be like that for the rest of your life. You have no control and no say-so over it. You learn how to deal with it, you learn how to manage it, but forever, it's gonna be step up, step back. It's gonna be like a line dance. We just stepping up and we stepping back, we step it up and we stepping back. That's that's just what it's going. Um, that's just what it's going to be. There are better ways to support someone. Um, and I just told somebody this the other day, instead of asking what we need, just do. Because if people that's in your corner or the people that's closest to you, they should know how you operate and they should know what you need. So instead of asking, well, what do you need, or just tell me what you need, it's not that easy because we don't know what we need. We're dealing with something that we've never dealt with before. So how do I like if I if I break a fingernail, I know I'm gonna go get the clippers and know I'm gonna cut the excess off and go get it fixed or wait for it to heal or whatever. I could do that a bunch of times because I've had that happen and I know how to handle that. I've never lost a spouse before. So if I've never lost a spouse before, how am I supposed to handle something that I've never experienced before? Have I seen other people? Yes, but I'm not them. I'm me. And I have to deal with this in my own way. Um that's that's just you want to support somebody, do not ask. Simple as that. And when you do it, make sure you're doing it with good intentions. But again, my circle, solid. So I'm really I have some infiltrators and we'll discuss that. It'll be discussed somewhere down the line, just not today. But if they're around you and they tighten it, they should already know what you need and do for you. Um and do for you. Um after the funeral, nobody ever talks about what happens when the funeral is over with, and everybody goes home and people go back to living their lives, and now you're stuck. Um you're stuck finding a new normal. Um, the loneliness after the visitor stopped coming, and um, you know, you have to return to work and you know, learn routine. And, you know, people leave and they go, you know, if you need something, just call me. I'm in a vulnerable state, like, like you

After The Funeral People Disappear

SPEAKER_00 19:44

like call me like it's like you're 911. Like, what do you mean? Just call you. Do I have to call you? That's the only way you'll know how I'm feeling. Like, you're not gonna check on me too. It's not like a two-way street. And I think people forget that. Um, I think people come around and they get gratification out of being around after it happened, so that they be like, Yeah, you know, I was there, you know, after it happened, and this, that, and the third. And that's not always a good look because everybody's there in the beginning. Who's there when it's all said and done and the smoke clears? That's that's the real important thing. You got to return to work or you know, whatever you do. And at that time, I was in the military, so I had to go back to work, and everybody's just like, you know, working in a military environment where your spouse passed away in the military, it's it's very, very challenging. Um, zero out of ten, don't recommend. I still had to go back to work and I had to find a new normal. And there were, there were things where I was just driving to work crying because I'm like, this is crazy. And then after he passed, my unit was scheduled to go to where he had passed away at. And I was like, I don't know how I'm finna do this. I don't know how I'm finna do this, but we got these kids. How I'm finna how I'm finna go to the same play D people, this this man just passed away. Like, I I I I I can't I can't do that. You know, um, I just I can't I can't do that. I had to eventually learn a routine, and the hardest thing of the routine was not getting his phone calls, not getting his video messages. That that took some getting used to. I would wake up in the middle of the night and be like, he's calling, he's calling, or I missed his call. And that that I believe, I feel like that was the the the hardest um part. Um AI grief videos. Now I done already kind of touched on this, you know, and I was just doing some thinking, and some of the reasons that I came up with why these um AI-generated videos featured deceased loved ones could be helping preserve memories. I get that. I understand that, but these are very distasteful videos. I wouldn't want my loved one and I wouldn't want my loved one to remember like that. I've seen ones where you know they're bringing the soldier um off the plane

AI Grief Videos And Consent Lines

SPEAKER_00 22:31

and like the casket falls off the thing, and I'm like that. Is the most disrespectful shit I've ever seen in my life because what? Um to new technology, you want to see what you can do with uh create creating tribute videos, I think is a good thing because you know you take some memories and you create a video and you know, a little keepsake something set it to a little music. Downright disrespectful. I it's coming from me, these are my point of views, downright disrespectful. Um, please don't do that to my man. Don't do that. I don't I don't like that. Like, come talk to me first before you do something like that. Like, don't disrespect my man like that, don't disrespect his family like that. Don't please um don't do that. And so that brings me to my next point. When does it become disrespectful? Is there a line between honoring someone's memory and exploiting this? Like I said a few minutes ago, I kind of touched on that. You know, you're doing it for clicks, you're doing it for like, you doing it for views. Should people be able to recreate um uh a deceased individual's memory without the consent of their family? And I've done some research on that, and there are laws that prevent the um the use and likeness of a deceased individual without their five without their family's um written consent or whatever, but y'all just out here doing it, but then you know, somebody come and sue y'all, y'all gonna want to be hooping and hollering, talking about something, you know, I didn't mean and da-da-da-da-da-da. Before y'all out here doing this stuff, y'all need to, there are real consequences out here uh when you do stuff like that. Um, like I said, I don't know how I would do in today's world knowing, like if somebody, if I've seen some of the stuff that's being done, um, and it was me, my spouse, you had you finna have to come see me. Just as simple as that, because it's disrespectful. Um, so in closing, um, grief has no timeline. Stop putting timelines on people. I remember my first Thanksgiving. Um, I went to my mother-in-law's house, and she told me that it's cold outside and I need to go find somebody. I was like, all right, now it's the last time I spoke to her. And I ain't spoken to that lady in 19 years, 18 years. Moving along. Um, everybody deserves a space to mourn in their own ways. Like I said, my my group

Be Kind, Final Questions, And Goodbye

SPEAKER_00 25:25

is tight knit, so they know when something's wrong, they know the anniversaries, they know everything. They have a plan in place, they they have a rescue plan in place for me. Like, that's how um that's how tight my group is. It's the plan in place. Um, I invite you guys if you've experienced grief in any capacity spouse, any capacity friend or anything like that, what helped you get through your grief? Like, I want to know, like, what helped you get um through your grief, and what do you wish people would understand? If you've lost a spouse, what do you wish people would understand about losing a spouse? Like, what what helped you um and and what did you say to people that have been like, you know, let me explain this to you? And people were like, Oh, okay, I got it, good. And then finally, what are your thoughts about strangers using AI to make videos of fallen soldiers? Um, do you think that's okay? Um, do you think there should be tighter restrictions on that? Is it okay with the family's consent and permission? I just want to know um your thoughts on that. And um that's all I really got for y'all. Be kind. Be kind. Because you never know what someone is uh going through. Us families of the fallen, we are real people. After the cameras are gone, after everybody has sent their letter and their declarations, all of that. When when all of it said and done, we are real people, and we have real emotions, and we have to deal with that. So I just ask, be nice, be kind. Um, make sure you are liking, subscribing, and sharing. Um, I really would appreciate that. Um, and just make sure you share, share, share. Um, my materials for everybody, it's not just secluded for um people who have lost their spouses or anything like that. I make content for about grief, raising kids through grief, and then just showing how I have gotten over and I'm living my life past grief. So you get this podcast and you get the vlog as well. And just to make it simple, I've kept it all on one channel. All right, so my song lyric of the week is going to be Mariah Carey Hero. I love, love that song. That song makes me cry every time I hear it. I love you, baby, Mr. Spencer. Hear my everything doing this for you and for me. And until next time, I am your girl Charlie Shantae. This is the Gagas Pie. Bye, guys.