A funeral celebrant is one of the many officiants that can lead a funeral service, but how does a celebrant differ from a minister or vicar? Listen to Tara speak about her training, the process of getting to know a family and about their loved one and writing a funeral service. As well as the range of emotions that are attached to the privilege of commemorating and celebrating a families’ loved one.
A funeral celebrant is one of the many officiants that can lead a funeral service, but how does a celebrant differ from a minister or vicar? Listen to Tara speak about her training, the process of getting to know a family and about their loved one and writing a funeral service. As well as the range of emotions that are attached to the privilege of commemorating and celebrating a families’ loved one.
Hi. My name is Andy Eeley. I'm a Senior Funeral Director with G Seller Independent Funeral Directors. And we've been serving bereaved families since 1910. I'm sure you're all well aware there's lots and lots of different misconceptions, myths and lots of taboos around the funeral profession and what actually goes on. So we've decided to put this series of podcast together to kind of answer any questions and dispel some of those myths. So if you do have any questions, please do email them, like, share, subscribe, send an email to liftingthelid@gseller.co.uk and we will do our absolute best to answer them for you. It genuinely is Our Family Caring For Your Family. So today I'm joined by Tara, joined with sorry, Tara DeMarco, a Funeral Celebrant. So, Tara, welcome to the hot seat. How are you? I'm very well, thank you, Andy. Good. Tara, a Funeral Celebrant. Yes. What is a Funeral Celebrant? Well, I suppose it's a role that may mean different things for different people, but in my personal experience, I've been privileged to be a Funeral Celebrant for twelve years. And for me, as a Celebrant, when I have that privilege of standing up and officiating at somebody's service, I very much feel honoured to be there, of course, and I want to take that opportunity to convey their story, talk about them, their personality, their characteristics, what they enjoyed and embraced within their lives, but also very much I'm aware I want to be there to support their loved ones, their family, their friends, and to hold that space, wherever the service may be, to hold that space, to give their loved ones time to grieve, but also time to remember good time shared, smiles, even, if appropriate, if the family wish to have a moment, as we say, to introduce smiles and laughter, even on a particularly fond memory, into a service. So, in my style of writing a funeral, it's very much about commemorating and celebrating the individual. The individual. That's an important point. Yeah. Tell us about you. How did you become a Funeral Celebrant? Oh, gosh. Well, as I say, I've had the privilege to be in this role now in the funeral profession for twelve years. Before that I did all sorts of different things to be honest with you, I finished university, wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I did a degree in shopping, retail management degree, in shopping. Brilliant. Yeah. So I did go into retail for a while, which I did enjoy because it was customer facing and I love working with people. From there I moved down to Cornwall, so I had to get a different job. And then I worked in banking, and from there other moves followed. I worked in the computer industry, I worked as a freelance writer. I did about twelve years every now and again in the hospitality industry, behind bars and in restaurants. But all of these skills that you learn in those very different wide ranging jobs; That is a wide range. Yeah, I was really lucky because it gave me lots of different experiences of working with people in all sorts of ways. But I was able to bring a great many of those skills, I think, to my role as a Celebrant. And it was sadly, through bereavement myself, okay, that brought me to the role. I'd lost my Grandmother and we'd had a lovely lady, a lovely lady vicar do her service, but it was quite a spiritual ceremony, which was right for her. When Grandad passed, we wanted something that probably wouldn't be a reflection of spirituality or religion because that wasn't really his cup of tea, so that was fine. And we had a Celebrant and that Celebrant said, well, does anyone want to speak? Okay. And I did. So you came forward? And it was a lightbulb moment. Okay. And I thought, wow, what a privilege. I love this man so much. And I had the privilege to stand up and tell everybody how fantastic he was and it was like, yeah, light bulb. I imageine that's completely different doing it, taking a service for someone you know than someone you don't know. Yes, indeed. Yes, very much so. Is there any training for this? Do you have any support? Is there groups, qualifications? Well, there is stuff out there if you want to find it. I think that's probably the way to answer that. It isn't an industry that's regulated per se. Okay. So anyone could decide, oh, tomorrow I want to be a Funeral Celebrant. So when I had that lightbulb moment, as I say, at my Grandad's service, for me personally, as I said, I'd done all these other different jobs, but I didn't feel that that qualified me to stand up in front of a group of people and to talk about their loved one. So I wanted to go off and get some training. So I spoke to my Mum. I said, "Mum, is this a crazy idea? Should I go and do this?" Always ask Mum. She says, "Absolutely, off you go." So I trained with a lovely company called Green Fuse, and they're down in Totnes in Devon, and they were fabulous. Simon and Jane. There are Funeral Directors, but also they're a training company. So as somebody who had no experience in the funeral profession, it allowed me to enter that world, to be trained appropriately by people who have many years experience. But also I go down for a bit, then I could come home. It was like distance learning, I guess. You'd go down a few days and you come back and learn at home. And it gave me six to eight months-ish, I think it was, just to develop my knowledge, do my own research as well, taking this course and yes, and just using the skills that I already have from other jobs and seeing how I could fit those together. A Funeral Celebrant. Yes. So come on your first service. So not Grandad. I'm talking a family that you're not familiar with. How did you feel doing that? I felt honoured. Yeah. Privileged. I felt the weight and responsibility. It was terrifying, quite frankly Andy, it was terrifying, but I think, rightly so, you should be terrified walking into that first service because you want to do a fantastic job. But I was actually very fortunate, Kev from G Seller Okay when I was beginning this type of work, I met with Kev, had a chat to him, talked about my training and my experience, and very much he took me under his wing at that point and helped me in supporting me and gave me my first family to work with. As I say, great privilege to do so. Yes, but a wholly terrifying experience. But what a wonderful family. Such a gentle group of people who loved that person that they had lost dearly. How did it feel after the service? I was elated, to have been able to talk about their loved one and to talk about their life, their full and rich life, so warmly, as I say, with such a loving family. Good feedback. Yes, I was blessed to have good feedback. And it also reaffirmed to me that this was what I wanted to do. Because you can go away and do training can't you? Until you're actually in the role, whatever role that might be, until you're in that moment I think that's when you realise whether it's what you want to do or not. Yeah. Brilliant. Kev's name keeps popping up, in this series of podcasts. I think we'll have to interview him at some point. Absolutely. How do you go about it? How do you put a service together? This is something I'm really interested in because obviously we... not promote you as such, but we talk about religion, faith, whether we want a celebrant, a humanist and then get the right officiant, right person with the right family. So I quite often say that from our perspective, arranging a funeral, it's like magic. We put a family in touch with you and then all of a sudden there's this fantastic service and music and everything. So what's your process? How do you do that? I think probably it would differ from celebrant to celebrant, but for me personally, I guess there's no set formula. You walk in to meet with your family, you're very much from that first moment, you're reading how they're feeling, you're looking at body language, seeing how they're responding to you, just saying hi. But usually, if I can, I try and start with the practical information, such as what music they might like or is anybody wanting to speak? Is there a poem that you really love that we're going to be incorporating? Anything along those practical lines that I know that this family would like to include? Because very often families might be going along to have their service at a venue that has a set timescale. Now, that isn't always the case, but often it is. So I have a set timescale that I have to work to. So once I know all of the practical elements that the family want to include, it gives me an indication on how much time that will use, how much that leaves me to talk about the individual. And if I'm feeling like it's not enough, it gives me a chance to address that and say, do you want to tweak this? Is this how we want the flow to be? But also it gives me an indication on the tone of the service. So, for instance, if the music that the family has elected to include is very buoyant, then that gives me a real good idea, okay, we're looking perhaps for a service of true commemoration and celebration. If perhaps it's a blend or it's more reflective, that already is indicating to me the kind of language and tone that's going to be appropriate for them. And having completed that, then probably that's the point when you say, well, tell me about your loved one, tell me about Mum, tell me about Dad, your sister, and then that's when I get to learn about the individual. And golly, that can take you off in all different lines of questioning. So it's really important just to listen to what the family want to talk about, because often you'll find that perhaps the first thing that they mention is what's most dear to their heart. So it's nice just to listen carefully and to lead the questions that I might want to ask from there. But, gosh, it's not uncommon at all to end up with 12, 13, 14, 15 pages of notes just sitting and making loads and loads of annotations about this person. Then you take those notes and you write it yourself do you or do the family write it with you? Usually, as I say, every family is different and everyone that we've lost and that we love and that we're celebrating is different. But usually I would take those notes away, put a draft together and send that through to the family. Sometimes, though, family members do want to speak or a friend might want to speak, and then it's really good if you can get the information from them about what they might be talking about, so you make sure you're not saying the same thing twice. And also that you're there to support them on the day if they do need you to step in and just help a little bit and be plan B if they find they don't want to speak. So it's one of those things that if a family did wish to write their own eulogy, of course you'd read it on their behalf. Absolutely. Yeah. And that's not a problem at all. And that does quite often happen. And then it's a great privilege, of course, to stand yeah, read it. I mean, how does that make you feel? Because you're reading someone else's words, it's quite a difficult thing to do. It's an extremely difficult thing to do sometimes. Indeed. And that's another reason why I like to get those words in advance, because of course they can be very emotional reflections, and I'm human, and sometimes, yeah, those reflections do hit you. And they are emotional, quite rightly. And they are loving and I want to be able to say their words as well as I possibly can. So if something's catching in my throat because I'm reading a beautiful reflection, it's just nice to have those words to read them through six or seven times before, so that when I'm there, I can present them to the best of my ability. When meeting with a family, you meet, I take it as soon as you possibly can? It is nice to give you that opportunity. Yes, if you can. It is nice too, because it gives a little bit more time. However, you have to be mindful, I think, as a celebrant that sometimes family aren't ready to meet you yet. That's true. And they do want maybe a few days or a week or so, and they want to have that time and that space just to think about what they want to say and talk together as a family unit or with friends, about memories that are important to include. So it's a bit of a blend of both on that one. Kind of led by the family, really. Everything. Yeah, always is. Absolutely. Would you look after a religious family? It's quite a big question. Yes, most certainly I would. And I have, as I say, in twelve years have had the privilege to do this role. Although usually I think if a family do have a strong faith or a strong religion or spirituality, probably they would go to a faith leader or an official of their faith. So usually in the past, when I've officiated at such services, it seems to be perhaps if there's a blend of faith or beliefs within the family and it's about maybe just gently incorporating that spirituality, religion or faith within what we're talking about on the day. But yes, it's always a great privilege, and I've been able to officiate a Buddhist, a Grail and Hindu services through the years in varying ways, and it's always lovely to be able to do so. Absolutely. Brilliant. Brilliant. I've got one final question how long does it take you to put a service together? It's a half an hour service and how long does it take you behind the scenes? Well, again, it can vary quite a lot. If I'm doing a service, as I usually would in that, I'm gathering all of this lovely information from a family and I'm sitting down and composing that service. I like to put music on the family have chosen, just writing because that helps me set the scene and the tone. And again, the language, importantly, that I'm going to use, and then I just take my time going through that. I would say it can take 6 to 8 hours to write, because the first draft that you write, you might want to make amends to or swap a little bit around or edit. But, of course, as you said, Andy, if a family are writing the full eulogy on their own, and I'm presenting that, then it might be a little bit quicker. But you're always wanting to just take time and care to put everything together nicely. And, as we say, just take that one opportunity, because we can't do this again, that one opportunity to really honour that person and commemorate them within their service. Brilliant. You've got one go to get it right. Yeah. It has to be right. It has to be right. It had to be for my Grandad and it's got to be for every family. Absolutely. I completely agree. Tara, thank you. It's a privilege. Absolutely. Great answers. Thank you. Really good chatting with you. You too. Yeah. I think that draws us to a close of this episode of Lifting The Lid. Please, as I said before, do, like, share, subscribe, send any questions that you have liftingthelid@gseller.co.uk and we will do our absolute best to answer them for you. And we'll see you next time.