21. Malin Andersson on Grief, Trauma & How To Heal

Malin Andersson is known by many for her time on Love Island, but this episode delves past her TV persona and discusses the traumas she has faced throughout her life. Following the loss of both parents and the devastating death of her baby, Consy, Malin has spent a lot of time learning how to heal. As an advocate for positivity & wellbeing Malin shares her techniques for healing with us in this genuine, powerful and honest episode.

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Transcript

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Hi, I'm Andy Eeley, Senior Funeral Director with G Seller Independent Funeral Directors and we've been serving bereaved families since 1910. I'm sure you're all well aware there's lots and lots of different myths, misconceptions and taboos surrounding what goes on with the within the funeral profession. And we've decided to put this series of podcasts together to try and answer some of those questions and of course dispel any of those myths. So please do like, share and subscribe and send the questions, send them to liftingthelid@gseller.co.uk and we will do our absolute best to answer them for you. It genuinely is Our Family Caring For Your Family. Today's episode is slightly different. My colleague Amy will be acting as host and taking the lead on the questions. We have a special guest, Marlin Andersson. You may know her from Love Island, but also in her own right she's an author, a motivational speaker, and in her own words, healing the world one bit at a time through her own trauma. So I'm going to hand over to Amy. Thanks, Andy. So we're joined with the wonderful Marlin Andersson. Marlin's had a lot of highs in her life and that's also been coupled with a lot of lows. She's had a lot of tragedy, a lot of upset and a lot of close losses. So, without further ado, I'd like to welcome Marlin to the podcast. Thank you for having me. It's great to see you. So some of our listeners will absolutely already know who you are. They'll know your story inside and out. There'll be handful of people that may know of you and know some things that they've seen through the news and press, and then there'll be some of our listeners that won't know anything. But I think there's so much about you that they can relate to you and I think you'll very much connect with a lot of our audience. So let's just take things back to the very beginning for those people that don't know you. Tell us a bit about you, where you're from, your family, and kind of where you are today. Yes, so, my name is Malin. I was born in Sweden and I moved to England when I was about three years old. My dad passed away when I was eleven months old, so I don't remember him, but my mum brought me and my sister to England and yeah, I've had quite a strange life I think. I was cabin crew for years and then I came back because my mum got ill and I went on Love Island. Sorry. She had breast cancer when I was nine years old and then it came back eleven years later and then she had it removed, her breast, and at the same time she had stomach cancer growing inside her stomach and it was stage four already. And that was just after I came off the show, literally, I think six months. Wow. And then she died within quite a quick short frame of time, within like three months. And then, yeah, it was a bit of a whirlwind because I'd just come off the show, I was navigating life, and then that happened and I was like, what's going on? And then I met my ex, I think literally a few months after my mum dying. He was absolutely awful and abusive and I became pregnant quite quickly with him. And then Baby Consy was born about six weeks early, six weeks premature. And then she got administered to Great Ormond Street because she had a heart condition, but she survived for a month and then she passed away and then her dad went to jail for domestic abuse. So a lot of trauma and a lot of heartache in such a such a short period. And then the years after kind of post that is just me navigating through life and getting through grief and healing and taking a journey to heal. Massively. So let's just rewind right to the very beginning with your first loss. So, dad, so dad passed away when you were eleven months old? Yeah. So how old was your sister at that point? So my sister was about nine years old and she was very close with him, so she took it.. A lot of memories. Yeah, a lot of memories. And my two older brothers have memories too. He died of skin cancer. He had it three times and it spread to his bone. Wow. Yeah. So he was already really poorly when you were born? Yeah. And he told my mum, he goes, tell Malin that I held her when she was born so she remembers that and that's the only kind of thing. And I've got videos off, what was the camera? You know, those old school So, yeah, mum used to tell me little stories about that, but other than that, I have no clue who he is, really. So at what point did you feel like, hang on a minute, I don't have a dad, I don't have these memories? Did you ever get delayed grief from that, from not knowing him and from living trying to get to know him through your siblings and through mum? Did you ever feel a sense of loss or is it because it's always been the norm? It's never been that feeling. I think going through school when I was younger, I used to find it weird that everyone else had a dad and I didn't, and I didn't really understand that. So lower school, middle school and upper school. And I think me not having a father also gave me a really it carved a bad path of unhealthy toxic relationships and attracting men that were abusive because I think I wanted love and I didn't understand what it was from a father giving me a hug, that kind of thing. And like, seeing mum and dad together, that relationship. Exactly that. And so, yeah, I think the loss kind of I understood it more when my friends had both their parents and I was like, oh, but I wouldn't have known otherwise. Yeah. So what age did it start to become apparent when you were in reception? Like four, five? Yeah. I'll say that When you're around more children. I remember saying, Mum, I missed Daddy, but I didn't even know him, so why was I saying that? Do you know what I mean? But there's always a soul connection. He's my dad. It's in the genes, in the DNA. Yeah. Do you ever feed off any emotions from how Mum was feeling from loss of dad or, like, your siblings and then you think they became your feelings? Yeah. My mum was very depressed. I think she didn't want to tell us, but she suffered with depression and mental health. She tried to kill herself in front of me quite a few times when I was a young kid. I remember it. And I think she took she I mean, she had to raise four children on her own. She moved to England and she struggled a lot. And it's only that's the healing I've done as an adult is that childhood trauma of me taking on my mum's feelings and emotions as a young kid and trying to help her because they're our caregivers, we shouldn't be helping them. It's like reverse roles. So, I mean, I'm doing a lot of that. Don't appreciate what they do, do you until you walk in a little bit of the same path, because you've got children and you can kind of bring things into place and actually forms a bit of a better picture. So with that and being at school and carrying some of these emotions, did you ever get any help through school? Was there ever any support? Was there any, like, Malin may have been naughty and it could be triggered by this or a loss of somebody, was there? No. And I remember being around eight years old when my mum got diagnosed with breast cancer and I was really upset and sad, but there was nothing in the school. I'm trying to think now. There was nothing to help me. I think it's like such a big gap at the minute. We're trying to combat it and going into schools and training the teachers and the pupils, because it's not just like you're in isolation, feeling a loss of sadness, aren't you? Or like, Mum's poorly in your little mind, you're trying to deal with all those emotions. The teacher's not too sure how to respond to you in those emotions and then your friends around you, because it's like, oh, why isn't she happy today? Come on, she was fine yesterday, why would she be sad today? So I think there's a lot to be said for help in schools and it's sad to hear that you didn't get that. Yeah. I think back in the day, though, I think its a lot different, but I don't know what's going on in schools now with that either, to be fair. There's definitely a little bit more going on. It's like more spoken about, especially mental health since kind of COVID times, I think it's kind of come to the fore. Massively mental health, mental illness. It's all kind of intertwined, isn't it? But then kind of the loss of people and everything that's fed into that. Yeah, true. Yeah. So Mum a true warrior in your life? Yeah, she's a strong, strong woman and fiery character. Yeah, she did a good job. Was it mum from Sweden or? Mum from Sri Lanka? Dad from Sweden. When I think about it, she was ill pretty much my whole life from a child, breast cancer, recovering, chemo and then being on medication her whole life, in and out of hospital checkups. How did she do that? Looking after herself, looking after four children and going to work because she went to work as well. I don't know. I honestly don't know. And looking back, I'm like, Jeez She's like a true warrior. Yeah. And she just put on a brave face and got ne with it. Blessed. So she came out into remission. She was then? Yeah, she was clear. For how many years? Well, 20 years, I think. 20-25 years she was clear and then yeah, just came back. But it's a funny one, cancer. She took her HRT tablets when she was younger and well hormone replacement, because none of my aunties had it. It was a weird, so it was a shock when she did have it. How did you and your siblings kind of react differently to Mum being poorly or very similar in the fact that you were all quite different? My brother lives in LA, so he came out, he flew out and stayed when my mum was ill, my sister yeah, she's down the road, so she came to visit, my brother in London. He was a bit of a different one. He didn't want to go on the day of the funeral, he was all ready to go and then he just went and slept in her bed upstairs and didn't want to come to funeral. He just stayed in her room, in her bed. So who planned her funeral? My stepdad at the time. Yeah. So did you and your siblings have any involvement in Yeah, a little bit, but he mainly did most everything. Yeah. So you don't remember kind of the final details of the planning and all the logistics that come, that come with it? No. So you're sheltered from that, which in some ways I think is great, isn't it? You can actually spend that time and grieve and grieve mum, but then on the other side, for some people, it's like part of the healing process, isn't it? Going through all the smaller details and planning and planning everything. You've obviously been on a massive journey already, like, up to that point, you've lost two people, then you then lose a friend from who's on Love Island with you. How does that compare to what you've already been through? A completely different loss, someone that you're not seeing every day or are seeing every day? I wasn't seeing her every day, maybe every few months or so. And it's a shock, especially when it's suicide and you had no clue that they were suffering in their own mind. And there's a lot of kind of regret where you think, oh, God, I could have helped her, but then I wasn't to know. And when you grieve a friend, it's a different kind of feeling, but it's still grief, isn't it? Yeah, massively. So were you friends with her were you friends with her before the show? Was it a friendship that you got through the show? Do you ever speak to any of her family and friends? No, no, they were quite closed about closed about it. Oh, yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah, bless her. And then we move on to your beautiful baby. Yeah, bless her. Let's just go back to the beginning. So was baby Consy planned? Like, was she? No, she wasn't, a surprise yeah, bless her. So surprise baby. And I know that you had, because you've spoken openly before about eating disorders, bulimia, anorexia. I get that, I've been there at one point in my life. How did you feel about your body changing and growing and growing a little person? Because I think that's quite an interesting point to talk on, because I know that when I was pregnant, that shift in my mind was a fact of, like, I'm here, I've got to be fully functioning for this little person that I'm growing. It's not about me anymore, it's completely about this little person. Where did you sit in all of that? It was weird because it was all new to me. It was the first time I've been pregnant, my body was changing, but I was in a very volatile relationship, so I didn't put myself first then anyway, because I was with someone that was abusing me, if that makes sense. So I don't think I actually put myself first. I mean, I ate well. I wasn't bothered that my body was changing. I found it beautiful and I thought, oh, it's a blessing because my mum has just died and this is a sign she's meant to be here. That's why I named her after my mum. You didn't feel like you enjoyed that journey? No, the pregnancy was awful. Terrible, yeah. So at what point? So she had a rare heart condition, as you said, right, at the very yeah. At what point did you know that? Well, I didn't at all. The whole pregnancy was fine, every scan was fine, every checkup. And then just suddenly one evening, she just stopped moving. And then I was like, oh, I need to go to hospital. And then they were like, we need to take her out, emergency C section. As sudden as that yeah. So you didn't even get a chance to kind of enjoy pregnancy and then you didn't even get the chance to go through the, every birth complete every birth completely different, isn't it? We didn't even get the chance to do that. So when she's then born, took me through that. So a rushed Caesarean? Yeah, it was rushed and she was taken. I didn't even get to hold her or see her. And then we got transported to two different hospitals and then ended up at Great Ormond Street. And did you travel with her at every point? Yeah, I just took my, I had a C section. I couldn't even walk. But I got in the wheelchair, I was like, I'm going. That's funny what you do all of a sudden, right? I'm here, I'm showing up, I'm doing whatever I need to do. And yeah, and then I lived at the parents accommodation for a month and went to basically, I was just with by her side every day, watching her up and down, up and down. Okay one day, not the next. Until I was in such denial about it. She looked like a swollen I couldn't even describe how she looked like off meds and everything, where even if she did survive, she would have had severe brain damage through all the medications that was being put through her body. Yeah, it was mental. So what support did you get when you're in the hospital and then you stay in there? Were the nurses good with you? Did they plan that she may not live forever? They were just quite each day was different, so they'd just comment on how the day was going, not the future. They had a family liaison unit, which was they were fine. Yeah. Not really much to say on that. I think it was okay. Did it feel a bit of a blur? Yeah, I don't really remember much of that, but looking back, I bet massively. Because they never kind of said to you, we don't think she's going to be here and have a long life. I guess you never thought about a funeral for her? No, not at all. So at what point did that did that come into the mind or was that literally it didn't and even when she passed, I was like, I'm not organising anything, someone else can do it. I didn't even want to defences up. Yeah, her dad's aunties organised it and did it all. Was her dad with you whilst you were in hospital? Not all the time, no. He was with his other children back home. So I always find it interesting, we're privileged to carry our children, and we have a connection with these little people and then the men, they're kind of there, but not there. They're connected, but not connected. There's this closeness because it's their baby but then they're so far away because they haven't felt the heartbeat or the kick or the movements, so we find it interesting on how he coped. Do you remember how he coped? Was there ever any conversation with that? He was quite closed. So before we start talking about the funeral side of things and that point of time, what comforted you through hospital? Was it friend support? Was it were you taking every moment as it came? Yeah, I just had a lot of hope for some reason, and I was on my own quite a lot. I had some friends around me, but I think I just had this fire inside me to get on with each day and I don't know where it came from. And she'll be okay. She's like a little warrior, like Mum. She shouldn't have even lasted. She should have died inside of me, really, if that makes sense. So it was strange how she survived. For a month, bless her true little fighter. You say in one of your books that the sun stands on its own and it still manages to shine every day. Yeah. How do you manage to shine every day from at this point, all of that that's gone on, I think a lot of inner work, inner work, healing, taking time for myself and really digging deep and understanding why things have happened and how my life has been and my childhood and generational trauma and just kind of making sure that I've worked on myself. So are you angry at any point for the traumas that you've had? No, I'm not angry. I think I'm more when I used to I used to be in victim mentality quite a bit, where I'd be like, why did this happen to me? But when you heal and you see life differently, you understand why that happened. So how did you heal? Because I feel like people be watching and be like, tell me, tell me the answer. How do I get better? How do I stop being the victim? I think it's time, right? It's time. So grief has no time frame anyway. It's sporadic, it comes in waves, but it gets easier a little bit. And for me, I meditate every night. I try and rewire my brain, my nervous system. Who's taught you that? So loads of things, loads of research, so self development, books, courses. It's neuroscience. So rewiring every part of my brain and every bit of my life to show me that my self worth is there and that I deserve a life of happiness. And it takes time, but with binaural beats and meditation, journaling and yoga and exercise and healthy eating and good people around you, your mind just shifts perspective and you evolve. But you can stay in a place of lack and you can stay in a place of victim mentality and you can stay in a place of bad people around you. Drinking alcohol, numbing the pain through shopping, through sex, through drinking, drugs, whatever you want to choose, or you can take a step out and do it the way how you can move forward. So from this self healing, do you still enjoy get to enjoy a glass of wine or is the wine in the cupboard? In a way, it's a funny thing, when my mum died, I drank a lot and I went out a lot and looking back, that was my way of coping. So now I've got a little one. I don't drink half as much as I used to, but if I do, like one wine or two wines, so sometimes I don't have two, though, I have to have three or four, then just for a second, I'm like, I'll have the whole bottle. My body can't hack it anymore, but I'm really into my fitness at the minute, so it's just nice to feel up with a wake up sorry with a refreshed mind and a clear focus, because if you start incorporating antidepressants sorry, a depressant, you're going to feel shit anyway. Have you ever taken medication? Yeah, when I was pregnant with Xaya, I suffered with postnatal depression and prenatal depression because of Consy and a lot of feelings were brought up and yeah, I was on antidepressants. I was going to say, like, kind of going through a pregnancy again, knowing that what you'd been through. Yeah, I was like, she's going to die, she's going to die, she's going to die. Anxiety through the roof. Yeah. Did the medication help? No, a little bit. But were you meditating through the second pregnancy? I tried, I was a psycho bitch, but, yeah, a lot of suppressed feelings came up and I was severely depressed and I was pregnant. Her dad was brilliant, helped me a lot throughout the pregnancy, but, yeah, she's here now, she's an absolute nut job, which is brilliant as well. Keeps you on your toes every day. Every day. So how do you find being a mum, not having your mum around? That was hard to grasp at the beginning because there'd be things like mum, where are you help me when she's screaming at four in the morning and I'm on my own because her dad left when she was two months old, so I did it all on my own and I'd be like, crying out for my mum. It'd be the first person I'd cry out for and I'd be like, you haven't met her, I wish you were here to see her. Is she like mum? Just like her. Certain things, certain characteristics. She's very sassy and fiery. Love that, very sassy. But I know my mum can see her and feel her, you know? Yeah. Bless her. So just going back to baby Consy, so she sadly passes away in in hospital? Yeah. So she'd never lived a life out of hospital? No, I never got to hold her. Wow. Never? No. They said at the end, when she had died, I said, no, thanks, just didn't feel right. No, couldn't go there. I get that. So she's never come home. So how was that leaving the hospital, knowing that you're leaving your little person behind and you were meant to like in an ideal world, you were meant to leave hospital with her and start a new life as a mum? Yeah, that was confusing and strange. I felt so much emptiness within me. But then also on the flip side, I never formed a bond with her because I didn't even hold her or feed her or breastfeed her. My milk was being put in a tube to feed her, so I never had that connection in that sense. So it desensitizes you to being a mum anyway. I think I would have suffered if she survived, I would have suffered quite badly with some sort of trauma from me not connecting with her. That would have messed with my mind quite a lot. Yeah, I reckon I get that completely. So you've left the hospital. Do you see her again afterwards? In the morgue of Great Ormond Street and she looked okay ish like in terms of how she looked like because all the fluid had gone and she looked like her again. So you never saw her in the funeral in the funeral home? You only ever saw her Once in the funeral home when she had been embalmed. Bless you. So who planned the funeral then? So you've left you're now in I guess your hormones are still all over the place. We don't level out until about six months after having a baby do we? No, I know, my hair. was falling out still like six months after she had died, milk was coming out still. Yeah. Bless you. Yeah, his side of the family just arranged it and how are you with that now, knowing that they sorted it? Fine. Yeah. You're at peace with that? Yeah, I'm at peace with that, yeah. So she's laid to rest in cemetery? Yeah, we have with her grandma on his side, which is nice. And do you visit her much? I try to sometimes. I've taken Xaya there a few times. She's got a big sister. Yeah. But I think I don't find that much peace in going to a grave. It's interesting because everyone's so different. Some people some people do and I remember when we were talking before we started filming, like, you've got Mum in a little bit of jewellery, haven't you? So she's with you in that way? Dad is he laid to rest? He's in Sweden. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, he's buried in Sweden, so I haven't seen him in a while. Mum's cremated remains scattered on Brighton Beach. Yeah. Got a bit of a necklace from her. Bless. They're like all three people that are really close to you in laid to rest in three very different ways. Yeah. Does the grief ever merge? So do you ever feel a great sadness because of all three of them? No, quite a lot more protected because I can feel their energy and I feel like they're my little angels looking down for me and I've had quite a lot of good luck since they've died. Not in a strange way, like things have just kind of Like the bads happened which is really strange because I'd love them to be here and see everything. Yeah. My life has, I've changed completely and become a better person since they have died. Mental, isn't it? Yeah, it is. So what self care tips would you offer to people just to make that journey better? I mean, I know that in your book you've said things like screen time, like limit screen time. You're a strong believer in strong believer in that sort of stuff. Yeah, I mean, sometimes the first thing I do is I'll check the time when she wakes me up and then I'm like, Damn, why did I do that? Because I can't go back. It's the blue light. I think it's a lot of like you should have your own tools ready to hand for when you get triggered by things, when you feel anxiety or grief coming up. But the most important thing is to feel the emotions and not run away from it. The only way to get through it is to feel it and that's what I did the beginning, I'd run away from how I felt so by using certain tools that you know will help you get through that emotion and feel it I'd say that, but journaling helped me a lot. So journaling so writing down all your emotions? Yeah, writing down everything? Yeah. Meditating, just closing your eyes, deep breathing. Getting a cold show just for yourself, isn't it? Hundred percent. Rather than getting lost in like that the fast paced world that we live in. And you also say that positivity is your superpower. Yeah, definitely. That's one thing to leave people with, isn't it? Stay positive. But positivity has to come from a natural place as well because otherwise you're putting on a plaster over a wound and it's an act. So to become positive, one must figure out why one isn't positive. So working through all these bits of trauma and navigating through every little bit and kind of opening up these plasters and dealing with the wound, otherwise it's just going to get worse and it'll come out even So when you're dealing with each one, did you start unravelling things that you didn't even realise were a problem? Yeah, 100% and were you shocked by those things and thinking like, wow, I didn't even think that was even bothered by X emotion, but I'm talking about it and I'm now crying about it, for example, or I'm journaling it and I'm writing it down but I thought that that was dealt with. Yeah, definitely. Bless you. Okay, so if you could have one more minute with Mum, what would you say to her? I'd say, why didn't you tell me how to cook chicken curry? No, because she why didn't you ever teach me but then I was a little twat. I used to be like, go away, mum, not bothered. She'd knock on my bedroom door and I'm like, I'm busy and I wish I'd just opened the door and have a chat with her. And she always used to say to you, though, like, I'm not going anywhere, I'm fine. Yeah, all the time. Then you've got this thing of, like, always going to be here, you can teach me chicken curry next week, the week after. I just don't know what life is. It just changes. Yeah. Massively. And if you had one more minute with baby Consy, what would you say to her? Or what would you want her to know? That she's a bigger sister. Which is crazy, because they will go up to a photo and go, Daddy and I'll be like no. And she always goes up to it and I'm just sister. She just holds it and wanders around with it. I'm like put it back incase she smashes it, but she loves it. It's weird. Is there photos of her all around the house? Yeah, I didn't get too many of her because she just deteriorated really quickly, but there's a tube in a lot of her photos, but there are there's a few around the house and my mum as well. I think this episode has been really powerful and impactful. I think a lot of people are going to connect with you on so many different levels from everything that you've been through. I think it's great that you still show up and you still smile and I think your social media is great and that you're giving people positivity in so many different ways. So thank you for your time, thank you for having me and back over to Andy. Thank you. Thank you, Amy. And thank you, Malin. Absolutely, brutally honest responses there. It was a really interesting episode, I'm sure you'll agree. As always, please do, like, share and subscribe. If you have any questions, send them to liftingthelid@gseller.co.uk we will always do our best to answer them for you and we'll see you next time.