29. Embracing Farewells: A Fresh Perspective on Direct Cremation. Why Funerals Matter?

In this podcast episode we explore the factors that influence this decision including cost considerations, personal preferences and emotional impact. This episode provides valuable information to help you make an informed decision. 

If you have any questions, here’s how to get in touch:
Instagram – @liftingthelidfuneralpodcast
Email – Liftingthelid@gseller.co.uk
Website – www.gseller.co.uk/podcast
Watch the episode on YouTube: Lifting The Lid - YouTube

Transcript

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Hi, I'm Andy Ely, senior funeral director for G Seller independent funeral directors and we've been serving bereaved families since 1910. I'm sure you're all well aware there's lots of different myths, taboos and misconceptions around what happens behind the scenes within the funeral profession. So we decided to put together this series of podcasts to answer those questions and hopefully dispel those myths. So please do like, share and subscribe and send those questions. Send them to liftingthelid@gseller. co. uk. And we will do our absolute best to answer them for you. It genuinely is our family caring for your family. Welcome to the latest episode of Lifting the Lid. Today I've got a new co host, a guest co host. I've got Joseph Barsby with me. Welcome, Joseph. Thank you. Good to be back! Welcome back to the hot seat. Thank you. We've met you once and I'm sure we'll meet you again. Today we are going to be talking about direct, unattended cremations and exploring why funerals matter. And I think to explore this, I think we clearly need to define what is a direct unattended cremation. So, Joseph. Yeah, there's a lot of disparities between what a direct cremation encompasses, as we both know. So a direct cremation is quite a rigid service. The person passes away, they're brought into the care of a funeral director or a direct cremation provider. They're laid to rest in a simple coffin and the cremation is booked once the paperwork's all in place. So there's no chapel of rest visits/viewing, any personalization options. It is very, very rigid. It's literally straight to the crematorium, no service. And I think there's a lot of discrepancies between different providers. Massively. And how a person's loved one is looked after. So I think before we explore, I'm going to actually read a case study and I'm going to read it verbatim. So bear with me because I'm going to be reading from a screen just across there. And it states that a recent case study by Aberdeen University found that during the pandemic, many people were upset when those who died were left in body bags or otherwise not washed, dressed, or treated with the expected forms of care or respect. They also found that the depth of distress is understandable because death is a significant event in each person's life and represents an important loss in relationships and communities. Taking part in ritual activities when someone dies is often regarded as a matter of significant responsibility as well as being important for emotional well being. If people cannot ensure or contribute to a good funeral, for those that they take the responsibility for, whether in family, community or professional roles, they could feel a sense of disappointment and moral distress. This distress is not fully relieved by knowing that circumstances were beyond their control. So I think that's really important because that's sort of clearly stating there that a funeral, a rite of passage, is important. Incredibly. My thoughts are, with COVID, a lot of those decisions; that personalization, that was taken away from people, and I think that's going to cause us problems in the future. 100%. I mean, within, in house, we call it stunted grief, don't we? So stunted grief is essentially, there's been a rite of passage since biblical times and Viking times. And what people misinterpret is that they feel that a funeral should be all the pompous ceremony of a traditional victorian funeral. Yeah, it doesn't have to be the case. A funeral can be as simple or unique as the person and the family want. It doesn't have to be what they envisage, like pigeonholed. It can be as personal as they want it to be. And that's what we at G Seller are so passionate about providing. Yeah, I think some families, they perceive the simple funeral, as we put it, as being the direct, unattended. But that's not the case is it, it needs to be about that individual. So subjective, isn't it? It really is. I mean, I think the understanding of that direct, unattended, it literally is that. And I read a book years ago, and I genuinely never thought it would come into this country that someone booked a cremation online and then through the post, received their loved ones cremated remains. That's the extreme that's moving away. But is it the extreme? Because some providers are very similar to that? In between, what happens? What happens to that person's loved one? And that's the bit that, well, it worries us doesn't it? 100%, 100%, because some families that have these/buy these direct cremation plans on the Internet or whatever, they don't realise that their loved one or themselves will be conveyed hundreds of miles away from their home address, potentially, that they may not be washed or dressed and laid to rest in something befitting in their coffin. And we hear some horror stories. And families need to be aware of, number one, what a direct is encompassed by. What, when they entrust the person to look after their loved one, what that service is going to look like, so they know what to expect and where their loved one's actually going to be cremated. And thirdly, is that right for that person or the family in question, that that sense of goodbye, is it adequate or not? Are they happy? Are they comfortable with that? And sometimes it's just following the wishes of the individual. 100%. We hear all the time, let's keep the costs down. Don't spend too much money on me. I'd rather be cremated in a cardboard box. All these things and a family that are taking ownership of that service, of that funeral, they feel that they're doing the wishes of their loved one by doing that. But what about them? 100%. So a funeral is as much about the person that's passed away as it is about the family that's left behind. And it's so, so important to consider that because the acuteness of someone's grief is the relationship that they've had with that individual, it's not necessarily how close a biological family member that person is. A friend could be an incredibly acute loss if they sadly pass away to someone. It depends on how close you are to that individual. And not having that rite of passage, that ceremony, whatever that looks like, is really, really important. And it can then not allow that person to grieve and readjust to that new normal without that loved one and that friends physical presence in their lives any longer. Yes, I feel it's important to have that opportunity to say goodbye. I'm going to talk about COVID again because that was when it was forced. And I genuinely feel that there's going to be a knock on of the stunted grief. I think we're only touching the surface, to be honest with you. You had no option then. That's what we had to do. And personal friends that lost parents throughout that pandemic, I know, are really struggling with that. And then there's the fact that, can we perhaps have a service of Thanksgiving or something afterwards? Which I think closer to the time is something that's doable if we're looking at the financial element. But further down the line, it's kind of a- People start saying, like, are people going to attend? You got to bring it all back to the forefront as well. And I think it's incredibly difficult. Well over providers, other service providers. I want to talk about us because we do offer the service. Absolutely need to. How do we, at G Seller, how do we differ to those other services that we hear these horror stories? So we convey the person that sadly passed away into our care individually. They're brought into our care at our main office in Hinckley. They're looked after, they're washed, they're dressed. Laid to rest in a simple clothing set in a simple coffin. And then once the paperwork's been issued, within 14 days, we'll convey them to the crematorium in a hearse, not in a van, not with plenty of other people; on their own in a hearse. Individually, respectfully, dignified. Absolutely, and send the necessary funeral attendants to go to convey that said person onto the catafalque. And once we've laid them to rest on the catafalque, we then respectfully take a step back and create an arc around the catafalque and respectfully bow and take our leave. We'll sometimes play some music as well that's pertinent to the person. And then we'll convey that loved one's cremated remains into our care the next working day. And then we can either deliver to the family, or the family come and collect those cremated remains from us. Or we can carry on with another service. So, committal somewhere, perhaps a grave location. I think it's quite important to say that for a funeral service, the deceased doesn't necessarily need to be there. Could be representation, but it can all work together. 100%. So, particularly from the financial aspect, if we're talking about the financial side of things, you know, a direct unattended cremation alongside a service of thanksgiving would work 100%. And we do that all the time, don't we? In our service chapel, the family can see that that service in the service chapel is their goodbye. And then we convey their loved one to the crematorium without them there. But we still have the same amount of dignity and respect. Or the cremation can take place first, and then the family have the service of thanksgiving in our service chapel, or a church, or wherever they want, in a field, in a teepee, a racetrack, wherever the family think that is befitting and personal to that person that's passed away. But I think the important piece is, it should be personal, it should be about the individual. It matters. It should be really important. It's about that family that are kind of left behind. We hear all the time that, I've just mentioned this, but we hear all the time, I can't stress it enough that people are trying to deliver their loved ones wishes, but I know full well when I'm sitting having these conversations that that's not the decision they want to make. And sometimes it feels really uncomfortable because I don't want to sit there and push things onto people. That's absolutely not what we do. We're not sales, are we? We're not sales. First and foremost a service. But sometimes we just need people to be aware of what it involves, what is a direct, unattended cremation. And I worry as well that there's people out there that have bought these funeral plans for a direct cremation and have no comprehension of what's actually incorporated in it, what a direct cremation is and haven't actually spoken to their loved ones about it. And then suddenly that person passes away and their offspring, the family, don't even realise that they have no goodbye. And there is answers to that. The family don't have to follow that. Someone's funeral wishes aren't actually legally binding. So someone could do a different style of funeral and still be able to have a goodbye. And one of our senior funeral directors, Kev, he speaks to families all the time. And when they say, oh, my mum wanted a direct cremation, he asked them a pertinent question. Is that what you want? Are you happy with that? You're not going to be able to have a goodbye? That's exactly what we're trying to get at. 100% And I think that's a really really caring, compassionate way to speak to people. Because we're not selling, we're asking them a question, because there is no going back. There is no second chances. You only lose your mum or dad once, or a family friend or whatever. We're all individuals. You only lose that loved one once. So we want to make sure it's right and we want to do our bit to make sure that we've made a difference. And that person feels happy in the knowledge that they've said goodbye in the way that they want to. And I can't stress enough about the way we do that. If the decision is for a direct, unattended 100%, it's still done properly. 100%. We care for people as though they're our own. Absolutely. What do you think? Is there anything else we need to add? I think that's it. Okay, perfect. Thank you. Thank you, Joseph. I'll probably see you again, no doubt. Absolutely. Please, if you do have any questions, do, like, share, subscribe, send the questions, send them to liftingthelid@gseller. co. uk. We will do our absolute best to answer them and I'll see you next time.