30. The Art of Eulogies

Today, we delve into the art of eulogies exploring their significance, emotional depth and the delicate process in creating them. 

This episode offers invaluable guidance in navigating the delicate balance between reflection and tribute when creating the perfect eulogy.

If you have any questions, here’s how to get in touch:
Instagram – @liftingthelidfuneralpodcast
Email – Liftingthelid@gseller.co.uk
Website – www.gseller.co.uk/podcast
Watch the episode on YouTube: Lifting The Lid - YouTube

Transcript

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Hi, I'm Andy Eeley, Senior Funeral Director for G Seller independent funeral directors, and we've been serving bereaved families since 1910. I'm sure you're all well aware there's lots of different myths, taboos and misconceptions around what happens behind the scenes within the funeral profession. So we decided to put together this series of podcasts to answer those questions and hopefully dispel those myths. So please do like, share and subscribe and send those questions. Send them to and we will do our absolute best to answer them for you. It genuinely is our family caring for your family. Welcome to today's episode of Lifting the Lid. Today I have Tara with me, now we've met Tara before. How are you, Tara? I'm very well, thank you, Andy. Thank you for inviting me back. No, thank you for being here. Back in the hot seat. You couldn't keep away, obviously. Indeed. So, Tara, our previous episode, we spoke about you. Yes. Just give us a quick reminder for the people that perhaps tuning in for the first time and hopefully they will revisit your episode. But what do you do? So I have the privilege, Andy, of being a funeral celebrant. Brilliant. And this is a role that I've been undertaking now for 13 years this August, working in the local community around the Hinkley, Nuneaton areas predominantly. But yes, that's what I came in to talk about last time we saw one another. And we went into much, much more detail. Oh, for sure, yeah. What we would like to focus on today is kind of the art of eulogies. You know, structuring those eulogies. Yes. Telling those stories. Yeah, absolutely. That is a real integral part of the funeral service. In fact, probably one of the most important. You can't really get it wrong. I mean, from our perspective, we feel there's two ways to this. There's the kind of at need element. So someone passes away and you have the remaining family. You need to put that together.-who are putting that together. Yeah. The other way is perhaps someone that's ill, someone that's poorly and preparing for everything. Yes. They might want to be involved in writing their own eulogy or even recording their own eulogy. So I guess from, just want to understand how you go about writing this eulogy, what are the type of questions you ask? How, how much involved, how long does it take? I'm bombarding you with loads of questions. Where to begin? Where do we start? So let's do that. Where do you start? How do you go about it? Well, if I'm being very honest, to go right to the beginning, I don't begin with the eulogy, I begin with the practical elements to the service because that will then inform the kind of information I'm going to try and draw out, usually from the family who are putting this information together. It informs the kind of information I'm going to look for. So, for instance, if the music that's been selected is very upbeat and buoyant and commemorative, then I know they're the kind of memories, thoughts and milestones I might want to draw out a little more when talking to the family, or indeed, as you've said, if pre planning with someone who's looking at putting something together for themselves. So when I've gone through the practical elements, what music might be required, if there's a poem, if there's a reading, if there's any elements of faith or spirituality to be represented, then that gives me a great grounding then to know where I'm going with the eulogy and what memories we might want to look at first. But as you've said, it's very different if somebody is pre-planning their own eulogy, telling their own story to if, as is most usually the case, you're meeting with a family and they're talking to you about their loved one and their remembrance of them. Do you have any challenges to that? So I'm thinking of kind of personal experience here. So as a child myself, I don't know a tremendous amount about my parents childhood. Yeah. And it kind of worries me, I guess. So I've got my siblings, so I'm kind of hoping that they know a bit more because they're a bit older than me. Only child here. But it's, you know, how if you were sitting and asking me those questions. Yeah, I don't know whether I'd know the answer. Yeah, I'm sure you must come across this. Yes, I'd say that's extremely common and as we've identified, we both feel in that position to some degree. Which for us is, you know, you'd think we'd know, wouldn't you? Really? Yeah. Yeah. So I think possibly I am starting to have those conversations a little bit more with family members now. But, yeah, you're quite right. The usual situation is you walk into to meet a lovely family and possibly you might be sitting down with sons or daughters or wider family members who might be of a slightly younger generation who don't know quite the story of mum or dads or grandpa, grandma's early years. So when you do have those kind of stories and memories. It's always super valuable. Yeah, if somebody's thought to put something together, perhaps beforehand. Yeah, just a bit of a sort of synopsis, because I'm at the stage now, particularly with my parents, I don't know, it doesn't feel, it doesn't feel appropriate to be asking questions. Yeah, it's a little bit close. Yeah. Yeah, it's a real challenge. I mean, when you're, you have these questions, I mean, are there any specific questions that you have that start to draw things out? Because I guess it's like anything. I don't know. I mean, you start having a conversation, it rolls on something else. Yeah. I suspect that's how you work. I try and be, I don't go with a set of questions, just try and talk to the family. So keeping those questions very open and "tell me about..." and whomever that person is and then just see what they begin by talking about. And sort of roll with it. And roll with it. Absolutely. So I know when I share details with you, I try and share with you as much as I found out, about that family. Which is so helpful. So if I've got the music, great. Because you always put some wonderful facts on there. They love golf or they might like this particular band or type of music. So, what we want, is that a bit of an icebreaker? Does that help you? It's fantastic. Carry on with that. Brilliant. Yeah. So it must be challenging. Yes. It must be difficult. I mean, so you go there, you have this conversation, you ask questions. It's all kind of led by the family. Conflict. I mean, families in conflict. This is another thing that pops up quite frequently. What's that like as a challenging point for you? I try very much to remain focused on representing, telling the story of the person that I'm there to talk about. Okay. I try very much to empathise with everybody's viewpoint and indeed put together a eulogy ceremony that feels as comfortable as possible for everyone there, present. Yeah. How long do you spend with that family, originally? Yeah. You know, the physical conversation? Yes, well, it's part of a process, probably of over a couple of weeks from that initial contact and arranging a meeting. So a meeting usually is around about an hour, maybe a little bit more, depending on what kind of content you're getting, how the chat's going, and then from that meeting, finding out about all these lovely memories and stories and reflections. That's when you can go away and start to put together the eulogy. But it's very much a blank page, a blank sheet. So you spend that time with them, you then go home, you write this eulogy. Yeah, put the eulogy together. Now, is that something that you write for the family to deliver? Do you deliver it on their behalf? Is this kind of a bit of a hybrid? Is there a bit of a... Every family is different and unique, as it should be. So ordinarily, I would say I'm the person who stands up and delivers the eulogy. But also, it's very nice when a family member or a friend feels they might want to stand up and talk about their loved one, because, of course, we all have different perceptions. So a person might be remembered differently as a parent, as you say, as a sibling, a grandchild, a friend, a work colleague. We're all going to have different visions and perceptions of that individual. So I think you mentioned right at the beginning how, oftentimes a family will help to put together the eulogy with their memories. It is so poignant and so incredibly special if you have any input at all from the person who has sadly passed, if they've had the opportunity beforehand to make any notes about their life and what mattered to them and what inspired them and what shaped the person they became, there's almost a hush goes over the people gathered when you, if you have the privilege of sharing those thoughts and those memories and those specific expressions from that individual of who they are, my goodness, that is, It's very special. I mean, it's got to be 100%. And our thoughts are, you know, 25% of this is the, the quality of the questions from your perspective, that initial conversation, you have with that family. To make sure you can draw out those key elements. The other 25%, of course, is the answers. Another 25% writing it. Yeah, absolutely. Do you share your writings with the family before, before you deliver? Always, yes. As long as the family are happy to see them, which is 99.9% of the time. I do like to do that to make sure I've expressed who their loved one is, their character, their interests, in the right way, using the right language and the right tone, in a manner that's as comfortable as can be for their loved ones. Brilliant. And I always like to do that and get that little bit of feedback, and then, you know, on the day, you can stand up and deliver that eulogy with confidence. The last 25%, because I've only got 75% there, is the delivery, of course. So, I mean, from your perspective, yeah, you ordinarily deliver the service. I mean, are you comfortable with a family member doing that? Totally. It's lovely when people are able to do that. Quite honestly, Andy, if it was somebody very close to me, would I be able to? I often ask myself the question. Yeah, that is a good question. So I think people who do choose to speak are very courageous in doing so. That said, I don't think there's any shame in not speaking either, if that makes sense, if you just want to relay that information and have someone else tell your loved one's story. But, yes, when family members or friends speak, very special. Is it common for people to prepare their own in advance, their own eulogies? It's not common, no. Okay. Is it something you get involved with? Yes, most definitely. I was just going to say, I think it is increasing a little bit in two ways, really. Both, as you say, people who are approaching perhaps the close of their life and are thinking about how they want to be represented and how their stories to be told. But increasingly, and meeting with families where their loved ones quite some time in advance, sometimes years in advance, they've brought them perhaps a little notebook. Okay. Sat down with them and had conversations about their life and about their memories, and both of those ways of looking at a person's story, they're really unique, really special when you come across that. But I think that is increasing, most certainly. So we've spotted not a trend as such, but more and more people are preparing their own funeral services, and it does make it much easier for the, the next generation, you know, if the music's chosen. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes the routes chosen - what they're going to be wearing, and all these elements. So the eulogy, from my perspective, is kind of a natural addition to that. And I don't think we have to always wait until, as we've said, right until that moment where we're thinking about we might be needing this information, sadly, soon. Yeah. It's quite nice to see people sort of almost not even preparing for their service, but they just want to reflect. They're finding it an interesting process to reflect upon their lives and make notes and write their story, as it were. Is this something you enjoy? I mean, have you ever found it particularly challenging? Because you must see, like we do, a huge cross section of people. Yeah. Yes. It's always a privilege to talk with somebody and to represent their life and to meet with a family and be able to stand and talk about their loved ones, but we are all human. And of course, you feel that. Yeah, absolutely. But I think there's different types of tones to different services as well. When someone has led a wonderful, full life. They're 101 years old, many generations of the family to remember them. This wonderful legacy. The tone of that type of service differs greatly to the tone, perhaps, of the service for a young person or somebody who's passed unexpectedly. So there are different tones, perhaps, to how we present the service and indeed the eulogy as well. So something you find rewarding, I guess, to be able to deliver that. Yeah. As I say, 13 years this year. Crikey, okay. Taking on this role. What a privilege. How do you know that, the eulogy that you've written, is a good one? Oh, golly. Well, I suppose that's kind of a little bit selfishly one of the reasons why I send a draft to the family, because, like you say, I could sit down with the family, talk to them about their friend or their loved one, pull together all of this information but perhaps if I've not read the tone that they want quite right, then they might want some tweaks or feedback. I hope that doesn't happen too often, because, as I say, I've had the privilege of experience, but there might be a little memory they've forgotten, something else they want to add in. So I always like to send that draft, have the family read it, just to make sure they're happy with how their loved one's being represented and the language that we're using for the eulogy, for that tribute. Have you ever carried out a eulogy that hasn't been proof-read? Very, very, very rarely. Because, as I say, most of the time, people don't mind having a look and actually quite appreciate the opportunity to do so, and I appreciate doing so as well. How did that make you feel? Oh, gosh. I suppose I just hoped that I got the tone of things correct. The language right. The timbre of the language, that the memories were the ones that they would have chosen to express, as I've chosen from all that they've told me. So I do really like to send that draft across, if I can. I sort of imagine it would be... I'd be quite on edge about that, wanting to just double check all the dates, all the facts. Oh, totally, yeah. Yeah. Luckily, it doesn't happen very often. Maybe once or twice in that passage of 13 years. Yeah. Yeah. Because from our perspective, we check everything. That's what we do, don't we? Belt and braces. We get one opportunity, one opportunity to hit that 100%. It's got to be right and we want it to be perfect. Yeah. What about training, I mean... Being a celebrant? Yeah. Is there any training for this? I mean, how is that carried out? There's so much out there. Okay. Yeah. There's many, many, many organisations now, unlike when I first began, but for me, I completed my training with a company called Green Fuse in Totnes, Devon. I think we spoke about that. We did indeed. We spoke a bit about that. So that's the route that I chose to take. Some training on site, some training back home. But there is a plethora of training providers now. That's a good word. Thank you, Andy. There's so many people out there offering different courses, so. Absolutely brilliant. Anything else you want to add for me, Tara? About eulogies? Yeah. Any particular challenges that come to mind? Not particular challenges as such. I think what you said right at the beginning was very interesting in that ordinarily we have that focus on family and friends coming together and giving us memories to put the eulogy together. We've spoken about what a privilege it is when we have those memories and thoughts from, from the person them-self. But I guess increasingly with family's permission, another aspect that I've noticed is coming into eulogy writing, perhaps a little bit more, is expressions of people's character and memories on social media. So that's been quite a new way of getting information for eulogies. Obviously, family give permission to do so because then you're sitting down with somebody's nearest and dearest, close family, close friends, but equally on social media, it gives you that other perspective, perhaps, of how that person was loved and known in the community, how they were loved and known as a colleague. And from that you really can build a wide, wider perspective. So it's interesting that you say that about sort of embracing modern technologies. I mean, it is a subject that we will be talking about in this podcast. One sort of final question around the sort of technology piece, your conversation with the family, do you record it or do you just sit there and write? No, I don't. I sit there. I write old fashioned, I'm afraid, pen and pad, write down, because I thought about it when I first started, but I thought if you're recording folk, when listening back, it might be hard to hear, especially in a big room with lots of people who's given what thought or what expression. So for myself, very analogue pen and paper, old school, old school, traditional certainly works for me. And then double check it and then double check it with the lovely families we work with. And then, of course, make any amendments, work on any feedback that you're given, so that on the day we know that what we've put together is right and a good expression of their loved one's character in life. Good. Get that story right. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. Tara, thank you again for your time. That's brilliant. And I suspect, at some point we'll probably see you again. Hope so, it's been lovely to be back. Thank you. Good. Thank you. Please, please do, like, share and subscribe, send emails. we do our absolute best to answer any questions that you do have and we'll see you next time.