284. How to Respond Thoughtfully Instead of Reacting, with Audrey Davidheiser, author of Grieving Wholeheartedly

Ministry can stir up all kinds of feelings, especially when we’re dealing with conflict, with grief, with change. And the better we understand what’s happening beneath the surface, the better we can lead ourselves—and our people—more thoughtfully and more effectively.

In this episode, I’m speaking with Dr. Audrey Davidheiser, a licensed psychologist and the author of Grieving Wholeheartedly. Audrey helps us understand something called Internal Family Systems—IFS—a powerful way of thinking about our inner world and all those “parts” of us that can get in the way of effective leadership.

THIS EPISODE'S HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE:

• Audrey Davidheiser explains what drew her to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.
• Internal Family Systems is a psychological model that views people as having multiple internal "parts."
• Parts of yourself often express themselves in day-to-day decisions, sometimes even in conflict with each other.
• Markus Watson clarifies that having "parts" is different from dissociative identity disorder or multiple personalities.
• Audrey Davidheiser explains the difference between parts in IFS and the rigid, unaware system found in Dissociative Identity Disorder.
• Internal Family Systems builds on the foundation of family systems theory, adapting it to the internal world.
• Inside everyone are parts that take on different roles, often formed in response to significant experiences, such as trauma or relational wounds.
• Markus Watson illustrates the concept with the example of feeling different internal responses to everyday situations like going to a late-night movie.
• Every person has both helpful and challenging internal parts, such as critics, achievers, or comfort-seekers, and these parts influence behavior.
• Audrey Davidheiser introduces three types of parts in IFS: exiles (hurt parts), managers (protective parts), and firefighters (distracting/soothing parts).
• Parts are not inherently bad; even when their actions are destructive, they are typically trying to protect us or relieve pain.
• Markus Watson inquires about the relationship between sin and IFS, prompting Audrey Davidheiser to articulate how parts can miss the mark despite good intentions.
• Pastors can benefit from understanding their own internal parts, especially when reacting to challenging questions or situations in ministry.
• Audrey Davidheiser suggests the practice of being "unblended"—letting the true Self, rather than an emotional part, lead when responding to others.
• Leaders who operate from their "Self" (instead of from a part) can foster healthier responses and guide their communities through change with greater empathy and wisdom.

RELEVANT RESOURCES AND LINKS:

• Audrey Davidheiser
  • Aim For Breakthrough website
• Books mentioned:
  • Grieving Wholeheartedly, by Audrey Davidheiser
• Related Episodes:
  • 262: From Fired to Flourishing, with Chuck DeGroat
  • 254: Endless Expectations and Emotional Exhaustion

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