Balancing Life in the Triple-Decker Sandwich Generation: Navigating Family, Aging Parents, and Wildlife Safety

Come join me on an enlightening journey as I converse with the remarkable Jeannie Gormick, bestselling author and renowned speaker. As we wade through her acclaimed 10-seasons of relationship and marriage workshop, our focus sharpens on one unique season - the triple-decker sandwich generation. This phase embodies the struggles of juggling an aging parent, one’s own life, and children, a subject that resonates deeply with many. 

Navigating our way through the labyrinth of intricate topics, we broach upon the gravity of estate planning and promoting open communications within families. We dissect the intricate responsibilities of an executor while emphasizing the respect and dignity that our elderly deserve. Drawing from my personal experiences, I share eight tips to facilitate conversations with aging parents. Furthermore, we delve into the vital role siblings play in addressing these often challenging and sensitive discussions.

A central theme that runs through our conversation is the importance of preparing children for the inevitable arrival of their grandparents' old age. The need for a family conference is stressed upon, underscoring the significance of a united sibling front prior to addressing their parents. Topics on wildlife safety and the imperative need for cautious driving in areas densely populated with deer also find their way into our discussion. We hope that our conversation serves as a poignant reminder to honor and respect the wildlife that coexists with us. Join us, as we meander through these challenging conversations with grace, understanding, and empathy.

Reflecting on my own week, I had my share of ups and downs – from a torn rotator cuff and a bout of physical therapy to a refreshing trip to Vegas to meet Annette, my dear friend.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hello and welcome to the AJ Name for Sissy's Podcast. My name is Marcy Bagus and I am your host On today's episode. We have a great interview again with Jeannie Gormick. She is a bestselling author from Amazon. She's been on with us before. The last time she was here we talked about road tripping. We talked about so many different things. I'm excited to have her back today.

Speaker 1: 0:34

Today we're going to be talking about the triple-decker sandwich generation, which I think a lot of you fall into. If you don't fall into it now, you're going to fall into it shortly. It's a great interview. She gives us a lot of great information. We always have fun talking and I look forward to you hearing that part. But up until then, we are going to listen to what happened with my week this week. So hang in there, grab that iced tea, that coffee, sit back and listen. So what a week. I don't know if you've heard about it, but Chicago had a lot of storms this week, a lot of tornadoes. I think they said, as of yesterday there were 14 tornadoes and none of them came to the city. But we had some pretty fabulous weather, which I enjoy weather. I love storms, I love thunder, I love lightning. I guess it's from growing up in California and not having a lot of that in my life, so it's been kind of an interesting week around here. I did go to the doctor this week Yay, I can't stop doing that. But I did find out I had a torn rotator cuff in my arm, so that was my problem and what sent me to the ER. So it's an old injury. So what else? Physical therapy, yay, but at least it's nothing like I thought it might be. So that was good news, good news, good news, I'll take it. What else was going on this week? I did several interviews that you'll be hearing coming up this week. You're going to hear Jeannie today, and then I've got Sylvia Adler and I've got Neeta coming up as well. So we've got a lot of interviews in the next few weeks coming up, which is always fun. I enjoy interviews. If you know anybody that I should interview or anybody you think I should interview, please let me know at agingfast1atgmailcom. That's agingfast1atgmailcom. You can always go to my website. You can click on there and you can contact me through my website, and that is at wwwagingaintforSissy'spodcastcom. Anything that we talked today about with Jeannie is going to be. You can get her information right on my website, so she's right there If you need to contact her. If you want to be a part of her workshop that she's going to be talking about with the sandwich generation, please contact her. I think what we talk about today has a lot of value. I, of course, always think the things we talk about have value, some more than others. I think Sometimes I just talk about goofy things.

Speaker 1: 3:18

I'm in my bedroom doing this podcast and I have a cat that's trying to get out right now. Pickles, you have to stay in. You're just going to have to relax for a minute. I'm all packed and ready to go to Vegas. It's going to be 117 there tomorrow, but I am going to see my really good friend, annette, and I missed Annette since I moved. I'm looking forward to seeing her. She has a condo outside the city.

Speaker 1: 3:41

We are going to do some spying, some swimming and, I probably, a lot of talking. So Annette is my very good friend from Gloria Day and I'm excited about that trip. It wasn't hard to pack shorts and t-shirts because it is going to be hot, hot, hot. I want to go see that big, giant sphere thing. Did you see that in the news? That giant sphere thing that can look like an eyeball and a pump, all kinds of things. So that is the only thing in the city that I really have any desire to see. Other than that, we're going to hang out in the suburbs and we are going to spawn, swim, and I can't think of anything better. I'll be there till Wednesday, so that should be enjoyable.

Speaker 1: 4:19

Maybe I'll get Annette to talk. Maybe I'll interview Annette for the podcast, maybe I will. Annette is 12 years younger than me and I think she always has a unique perspective, and so let me see if I can get her to get on the podcast. Well, I am going to cut this short today because I do have that great interview, so get ready to listen to myself and Jeannie talk and enjoy. Well, hi everybody, I am here today. I'm excited We've got Jeannie Gormick.

Speaker 1: 5:07

She's been with us before. I believe we talked about hospice, was that correct? Yes, we did. Okay, and I'm just going to tell you a little bit about Jeannie, because she's pretty amazing. She's a keynote speaker and the Amazon number one bestselling author of your Treasured Marriage, a God-centered guidebook to create long-lasting love. With a bachelor's degree in psychology, she spent many years as a senior retirement counselor, director of marketing within the senior industry and is an active member of the Mothers of Preschools known as Mops Speaker Network. Her greatest achievement is her 50-year marriage to her beloved late husband, cal Gormick. Today Jeannie inspires and encourages and engages those in all sorts of relationships to create a treasured, long-lasting, successful bond and a peaceful, balanced life. And today we are going to she has a workshop on the 10 seasons of relationship and marriage. And today we are going to focus on the season of the triple-decker sandwich generation. All I can think of is one of those sandwiches with turkey and bacon and tomato.

Speaker 2: 6:19

Yeah, those are good. It's not good when you're life is not in life, it's not always great.

Speaker 1: 6:26

So, yeah, so we're excited to talk about this. I think a lot of people that listen to the podcast are in that triple-decker sandwich generation. If they're not just coming out of it, they're in it. And then a lot of my younger ones I have a lot of younger listeners in late 30s and they're just starting that, they're just starting to think about that. Mom and dad are living on their own, but you know, they know for sure that that's not going to last forever. So I know you're going to help us through that. So what do you got for us today?

Speaker 2: 6:57

All right. Well, basically my workshops I'm kind of standing up and whatnot but they work from pre-engagement as a younger person all the way up to dating as an older person, and that's where I am right now. But yes, we're going to be focusing on the triple decker sandwich generation and we've all. Well, maybe the younger audience hasn't heard of the sandwich generation, but when we were growing up, that was basically when you're raising your kids and then you're dealing with aging parents and what do you do. So I've made it the triple decker, because you may be midlife, you could be in your 30s, you could be younger, dealing with your parents and the problems they're having with their parents.

Speaker 2: 7:59

So it's definitely yeah, yeah, I mean, if you really think of all the combinations of that. And then some, sometimes, people my age well, perhaps not my age my mental age yeah, absolutely, when they're in midlife, they are coping with their raising children, maybe raising teenagers. That's not an easy time, and then they may be responsible for watching the grandkids. So there are lots of components that need to be addressed.

Speaker 1: 8:35

So there's a lot of combinations now, a lot more than there used to be. I think that part that you just mentioned about watching grandchildren either raising the grandchildren or watching them during the day is becoming very prevalent.

Speaker 2: 8:50

True, very, very true. So I have a very important message for every single family, because they're often still raising their children and then aging parents come up with some red flags that need to be dealt with and then and my purpose is to keep marriages and relationships together so the whole this can impact a marriage because, like in my case, I was making frequent trips 3,000 miles away back east because my brother was the only one. So, yes, it's an important time to think about, but it's also the time, before you have any crisis of any kind, to have a what if? Meeting, or I call it. Just have the conversation Meeting and I yeah, and on that I'm available to bring my PowerPoint talking about my own family situations and how to avoid all the problems that we had in that process, either on a zoom or in person locally in Southern California, okay, so I'm going to go ahead and talk about that and then I'll talk about that in person, locally in Southern California, okay All right.

Speaker 1: 10:21

So we talk about that. What if meeting? So there's something that when you were talking, all of a sudden my brain started going and I think we have our own situations to draw on. And Craig and I my husband and I were very lucky because, as things happened with parents, they didn't happen all at once. So his dad died rather young in his 60s, quite a long time before my father passed away. Then it was years, then my mother and then just recently, last November, his mother. So we never dealt with all of it all at once, but that can happen it can you have no control Both?

Speaker 1: 11:00

in-laws and everything kind of crashes in at once and I, until you said we're talking about that, I hadn't even really thought I was lucky, blessed enough in that sense, to not have it crash in on me. But boy, you sure could and that could hurt.

Speaker 2: 11:16

Very definitely. And if you have the what if meetings, I think my first recommendation is to have it with both sets of parents Now, some families. If this would work for your family, if both sets of parents, both in-laws, get along well and everybody's still healthy, you could have a family discussion, and the reason I suggest that is perhaps the husband's family or wife will ask a question that the other wife oh man, I never thought of and it's all within the family. But the keys to those relationships are to be open and honest, as much as you want to be, because perhaps your parents don't want you to know how much money is involved, but at least tell them where to go to find it Right. Right, and that was one of the problems we had and always involve your spouse. In other words, you may be talking to your own parents, but if your spouse is capable of being in that meeting, that's going to be key because you may end up with your in-laws living with you.

Speaker 1: 12:42

Right. No, I think that that's super important to have both there. One of the things, interestingly enough, I think could be hard to have both parents there, as if there's a discrepancy and income, because I think that would be really hard, because you may be talking to one parent about oh now, what place are you going to, what have you chosen, et cetera, and the other set of parents may not have that option, very different, it may be difficult. So for me, I would definitely look at that and be cognizant of your parents' income and your in-laws' income and that kind of thing, because, as we know, that's really a lot of what this comes down to.

Speaker 2: 13:24

Yep, yep.

Speaker 1: 13:26

Exactly, yeah, it's definitely the money. So in that meeting, what are some of the things that you think we should talk about in the what if?

Speaker 2: 13:36

Yeah, it's very important to have all the legal documents in place and to discuss with the kids who might be responsible for being the executor, who would be responsible for the health decisions and, again, the health. There's an advanced directive as to health care and those are things that if they're put in place way before and your siblings are involved with this process, then hopefully it will prevent difficulties down the road. Oh no, mom, you know, let's keep her alive as long as possible, but she doesn't want to. Mom didn't want to be a vegetable. So those are, those are important things to consider, but also the personality and ask permission.

Speaker 2: 14:38

I'm in a situation right now where my unmarried brother is looking at having my daughter be the executor and before I just came back from visiting him and before I left, I said just ask her if this is okay. I'm sure it will be. I mentioned it to her when I got back. But that's important. But then I think on the health care decisions, you got to have somebody that's strong enough to handle making difficult decisions. You may never have to make them, but you need to be the right personality to do that. So you need to.

Speaker 1: 15:23

I could see that. That, yeah, because when it comes down to it, those are some hard things to make. I would like to say one thing about the, the executor. I think one of the biggest mistakes that gets made is that parents or you know whoever asks someone to be an executor, and if there's other siblings, I think it should be explained to the other siblings what an executor does Exactly and that's. I've seen this and I've seen it in my family, I've seen it in others. You know, mom and dad or mom or whoever picks the executor, they talk to the executor. The executor may miss, meet with the trust, these types of things, but no one tells the siblings what an executor does, that an executor can draw salary for the hours that they've put in, they work hard and what it is. It's not just saying, okay, you get that vase, you get. There's a lot of you know things that get filed and all those things, and I think it's a huge mistake for the ones that aren't chosen to not know. So that's just my personal soapbox.

Speaker 2: 16:33

Well, and thank you. Thank you for bringing it up, because I only had two brothers. One was disabled, so I only have one sibling. That we dealt with, you know, as far as settling things, but thank you and thanks for clarifying that, because that is a very important factor to it's that open communication again, and if the family senses that there is any kind of issue maybe drug addiction, you know whatever and perhaps the family doesn't have a one of the children who would be appropriate as the executor to get a fiduciary, okay, and it's well spent money when needed.

Speaker 1: 17:25

Okay, good, good thought, good idea. Yeah, because that does happen in families and and things get changed and wells get changed and people are in and the next day is just like Heidi Klum says, and the next day you're out. So you never know. You know and you don't know. Yeah, parents, parents feel, get very strong feelings, I think, as you get older and you see things. So, yeah, strong, good communication is important. Yep, yep, exactly.

Speaker 2: 17:54

So if somebody is participating in my workshop, I just want to let them know that all the things we've just discussed will be handled in the workshops, but also I have some very practical ideas from some hacks that you and your siblings can work through and suggest to parents. Also, I have eight tips for talking to your aging parents. There's a way to discuss these things. Nobody wants to have that. Just have the conversation meeting, because all of a sudden the older people are are realizing their own mortality. The kids are oh no, mom, you're going to live forever and and that isn't the way life is.

Speaker 2: 18:46

And then you've got whatever your relationship is and understand you could be in a dating relationship maybe not even a commitment for marriage and the engagement right level and you may be dealing with the person that you're dating and their issues with aging parents. So any education you can get in that area will benefit you, no matter where you are in the stages of life, because you can help friends and family Living together. As I said before, that's a component that a marriage needs to really consider, and then the goal is to keep the relationship with a marriage intact, and it's going to take a lot of prayer and compassion.

Speaker 1: 19:41

You know you mentioned talking when we were talking to our parents. One of the things I wanted to mention about that and it makes me crazy and no matter what the mental capacity is of the parent right or the elder person, it could be your sibling, because I have an uncle.

Speaker 2: 19:58

Yeah, it could be anything.

Speaker 1: 20:00

But never talking to an older person like they're a child. I don't care where they are on that memory scale, I don't care any of that. But when you start talking in either baby talk or not talking to them because you think, well, they just don't understand anymore. No, that's not okay. It's not okay. They are a full grown adult. They have lived on this planet 70, 80, 90 years. They deserve the respect that an adult deserves. I have a real hard time with that when I hear people either talking down to or just talking to them like they're a child, because they're not. They're an adult and they've, I agree, nothing else. I feel like when I've been on this planet, I deserve that respect to be spoken to as an adult.

Speaker 2: 20:49

Exactly, and I spent 20 years in the senior industry and saw a lot of families doing that and as much as I could tactfully- indicate.

Speaker 2: 21:01

And it is even difficult for me. I have a gal. Just yesterday we were talking and her dad is now moved in with them and we were talking about that whole situation and, yeah, I told her. I said remember when your kids were three and you gave them choices, choices. Right, you know, but even as it was coming out of my mouth, I'm so uncomfortable comparing a three-year-old to an adult, as you said, who has lived on this planet and done so many good things. But at the same time it was a relatable situation that she could relate to. But absolutely, you've got to have respect.

Speaker 1: 21:52

Yeah, you're exactly right. They deserve choices, but they don't have to be choices like do you want to watch TV?

Speaker 2: 22:01

Do you want to listen to?

Speaker 1: 22:02

the approach. It's like you know, we've got hey dad, we've got TV. You want to watch a TV show or would you rather listen to the radio right now? And it's that type of thing. And you know it's funny because you'll find young teens, teenagers, handle it a lot better than adults do sometimes and I think because they want respect, they give them that respect, you know, to a parent or grandparent that lives in the home with them or they're visiting that type of thing. I think it's kind of interesting. I think sometimes the teens are a little better at that.

Speaker 2: 22:42

Yes, and you bring up a quick, good point. Sometimes the grandparents relate to the teen or early 20 adult kids grandkids better than the kids. My dad had that. My dad, I think, kept seeing me as the rebellious 16 year old that I was, and so when we got down to the legal papers and all that stuff, my daughter was the one. He trusted his granddaughter to organize the papers and everything else and she had no idea what she was doing. I just said do it by date or whatever. And then I was able, because we got the permission, I was able to go through the papers and help her out. But the grandkids can sometimes be your key in everything.

Speaker 1: 23:38

Yeah, I think. So I think that that's a really important thing. And to have them, no matter what we're talking about, have them always being a part of it. Having them be a part of it if the grandparent is moving into the house, you know, getting everybody's feelings, you know, just because you're having your kids in the conversation doesn't mean they get to say no, I don't want grandpa or you know whatever, but they. I think it's important that, like you said, communication is key and that means the young ones get get an opportunity to say what they might be afraid of, exactly Because there's some fear and those types of things. So I think that that's good in that communication realm. And one other question I had for you sure do you have any? I think this is the scariest moment between a child and a parent is when you tell them you can't drive anymore.

Speaker 2: 24:31

you just can't do it. Oh, I'm I go. Okay, all right, do you have any?

Speaker 1: 24:35

I mean, this is easier now. I'm going to say with my dad there was no Uber and I think Uber is is a good addition, kind of helping them. My daughter teaches at the senior centers in Irvine. Part of her job is teaching and she does classes on apps, phone apps for seniors to teach them how to do it. But yeah what? There comes that moment where you're just like, okay, I won't ride with them anymore, so why should I allow them on the street, kind of a thing.

Speaker 2: 25:09

Yeah, and it usually is connected with dementia. Sometimes it's a physical ailment, but they're so stubborn they still want to drive. But in our case it was the dementia. And I did some research because I was dealing with another state and I found out that you can anonymously report somebody. What happened at least with us, and I would imagine all the states have something like this. They respect the driver to the point where they will bring them in for a driving test and if they don't pass the driving test, then that's an answer right or or. But they will not, like I could see a daughter or a son saying you got to take away his license. Now, you know, and they don't do that. There's a process, but the point is to get this process started, keep it anonymous. Should prefer not to have them know who reported. In our case, we did that. We wrote a letter or an email or something, and they indicated that some of the other neighbors had already complained. Okay, of course, we will give them a driving test.

Speaker 1: 26:30

Yeah, yeah, I think that I because I really do. I think it's interesting. And there were things like I told my mom let my dad have his keys, just take the car key off of it. But he's had keys jingling in his pockets his whole life. He likes to that's a good point Let him have his house key and his all that and help them with the way to find rides and that type of thing. And there's a lot of services out there to help people drive to take them to appointments. That's the time you have to start kicking in and looking at your resources and what resources where you live, and it's all.

Speaker 1: 27:10

My parents lived in Grants Pass, oregon. At the time the town was very small. I said to my mom although she didn't do it, but I said find a, they had money. I said find a taxi driver and give him a monthly stipend to pick up dad two or three times a week and take him to his favorite library. But I think there's a lot of ways to find ways to help him. But I do think that that is the biggest, scariest thing. You have to take it. I think even when you have. We had conversations with my mom when she was younger.

Speaker 2: 27:41

She's like don't let me drive, Don't let me, yeah. And then you get to that point and you say do you remember, mom?

Speaker 1: 27:46

You said Don't let you drive. Well, that's, it's the time, and Exactly, but it is a scary thing. So I think that's great that you've got some that's some good advice on that. So do you have anything more for us today?

Speaker 2: 28:03

I, as I said a few minutes ago, this process is going to take a lot of prayer, compassion, very good, honest communication and involve the individuals in the family who would be appropriate to be involved. Right, and that kind of covers a lot of stuff, because if you've got a difficult child, you probably don't want them in the conversations initially, but down the road and I loved what you said about if mom or dad or both of them are going to move into the household involve even the three year old. Yeah, you know, and let the three. It's like having a family conference and that's a whole other subject. But family conferences are very important. It's the same concept, right, and if someone is difficult, you need to evaluate that involvement. But, yeah, everybody has to be part of it and it's a respect level on whoever is living in the house.

Speaker 1: 29:15

I agree. I mean, a three year old can understand grandma, grandpa are going to live here. Let's go look at their bedroom. You want to show them their bedroom? I mean, they understand that. I don't think it's fair to all of a sudden in their world, all of a sudden there's two people in their house or a person in their house that wasn't there before they get to know. You know, I think that that helps everything. It takes away that whatever for a little kid, that shock or that strain like grandma and grandpa always used to leave. Now they're here. What is that? You know? So I Exactly. Very good, I think that that's all really good. I think it all comes down to conversations. I think. One last thing I will say that if you're going to have a family conference with mom or dad, you want to make sure siblings are all on the same page. Yes, and I think there requires a sibling meeting If there's more, you know, if there's a group Trier.

Speaker 1: 30:04

Both Craig and I came from big families and both of us did this. We had sibling meetings. Yes, before we had meetings with mom and dad. That way when you're sitting there with a parent, you know Susie doesn't go off in a. Well, I don't think mom can still drive. What the heck are you guys? You know and we know that can happen. So I think it's really getting everybody on the same page and making sure, before you meet with mom and dad or whoever it is, and uncle, grandma, grandpa, whoever it is that you have to meet with, that everybody that's meeting is already on that same page. It understands Excellent. So I think this is some great information. Again, you are always so helpful. I do have on my website, which is wwwAgingAidForSissy'sPodcastcom Everybody. I still have Jeannie Gormick's information there, so if you're interested in her workshop or anything that she has her email. You can contact her. She'll get back with you with the information that you need. If you are in the Orange County area, this workshop's gonna be taking place locally there.

Speaker 2: 31:10

It's probably gonna be on Zoom, but it's okay, I forget about it. Yeah, well, no, it's okay. A lot depends on it's not gonna be until January. Okay, I'm taking my time so that I have as much information on each stage as I can. But, yes, I would love to do these things locally, but right now I'm aiming for Zoom, depending on where my audience is Well, and I think that's great because the audience, our audience, is all over.

Speaker 1: 31:43

We've got people everywhere and I really highly encourage people to look at this workshop. If you are in your 30s or 40s and you're gonna be stepping into this, or you may be married to somebody who's older and you're gonna be stepping into it faster than most of your peers, so you don't really have peers to talk to because as we get older, as you know, I mean we were just at a party at this beach house in California last Saturday and the conversation really was around one of the gentleman's brother had died, with no wife, no kids, and he was going through his house and it's like it sparked all kinds of conversations about all of this. So it is really relevant information. None of us were born knowing how to do it, so going to a workshop is an excellent way to get information on relationships and how to make them work, because they're not easy. Amen, they're not easy. So, jeannie, I appreciate you, I thank you for this time and we look forward to talking to you again.

Speaker 2: 32:43

Absolutely. Thank you so much, Marcy.

Speaker 1: 32:53

Okay, we are going to be talking about a senior moment, so our senior moment today is kind of a funny one, but not really. This time of year there's a lot of deer collisions. So for people that are out there driving around in areas where there's deer I used to live in the area where there's deer, there's a lot of deer here in the Midwest when you're driving, I just want you to realize that deer are most active at dusk and dawn, so that's when your awareness should be the highest. But deer vehicle collisions can happen to anyone at any time. If you're driving by mountains, woods, agriculture, fields, there are probably deer in and around those habitats.

Speaker 1: 33:32

Take wild life crossing signs seriously. Moderating your speed gives you a time to react. Stay alert and don't get distracted. If you look like you're about to hit a deer, do not swerve. Hitting the deer will often do a lot less damage than what could happen from swerving, and that is really hard to do, okay, so let's be real. Nobody wants to hit an animal and this is just really hard.

Speaker 1: 33:54

And I just think just be on your toes at those times of the day, be aware, like it says, when you see a sign for deer crossing, become aware at that moment. Don't just not think about it. So I just want everybody to be safe out there driving. Watch out for those deers. They damaged the car. What you can do to the deer I've seen way too many deers hit where we lived before. I've seen it actually happen twice. It's heartbreaking. So drive careful. That's your senior moment of the day. Drive careful and look out for the little deers. And if you are going to the national parks, please drive slow. Do not hit a bear. That is one of the biggest. So that's what kills more bears in Yosemite than anything else is people driving. So slow down, let that wildlife live. Have a great week. We'll see you next week. And remember what I always say AG name for sissies ес.