Cherished Roles and Holiday Strolls: The Grandparent's Journey

Have you ever wondered how to navigate the holiday season as a grandparent without feeling overwhelmed? Picture this: it's the holiday season, you're baking cookies with your grandkids, and you can't help but feel a sense of joy mixed with the occasional stress. This week on the Aging Ain't for Sissy's Podcast, join host Marcy Backes as she shares her personal stories and insights on the magic and mayhem that comes with being a grandparent during the festive season. From setting boundaries to maintaining balance and creating heartwarming holiday traditions, Marcy invites you to partake in an honest conversation about embracing this role.

Imagine being able to approach grandparenting during the holidays stress-free, flexible, and relishing the privilege of being a crucial part of a child's life. Sounds too good to be true? Well, buckle up as we dive into the second chapter of this episode, where we focus on achieving just that. We not only explore how to develop new traditions and pass on spiritual legacies to our little ones but also empathize with the fact that celebrations might not always occur on the exact day. Whether you're a grandparent, aunt, or uncle, this episode is about acknowledging the joy this role brings you and the child. So, grab your favorite beverage, sit back, and embark with us on a beautiful journey of grandparenting during the holidays.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Hello and welcome to the Aging Ape for Sissy's podcast. My name is Marcy Backes and I am your host. On this week's episode, we are going to talk about being grandparents. During the holidays, rules get put on grandparents, all kinds of things happen and we're just going to talk about it. I've got some ideas and some things I just want to share with you, but before we do that, we're going to catch up on what my week's been like and grab your coffee, your diet coke, whatever you've got. Sit back and relax. If you're in the car, focus on your driving. If you're at the gym, keep up that momentum. All right, what a week. Wow, this has been a crazy week. So you'll be listening to this after, let's see, monday, the 12th, I believe, or the 11th of December.

Speaker 1: 1:00

I'm recording this on Sunday, but my week before, let me tell you so, on last Sunday, craig and I had to get the house ready for the remodel. So we're getting the new counters and the kitchen and the sink. We're keeping the cabinets, getting all new flooring, bathroom, walk-in shower, new toilet, new counters, new sink and tiling. So Sunday we spent the day getting everything arranged. They were going to start work on Tuesday, but we needed to move out on Monday with the cats and we headed out to Craig's family home. Both his parents have passed away but the home is still there right now. Actually, the siblings are all in the middle of going through it, which we've had many of discussions on in the podcast about that type of thing that happens and so we moved out to that house. But on Monday we moved out, got the cats settled, had to drive Craig to the airport. He took off. He was gone Tuesday and Wednesday so I was out in the house by myself with the cats and then Wednesday night he came home and Thursday I left in the airport and headed to California. So right now I'm coming to you from California, from my friend Mary and Dave Nichols house in their guest room is where I'm recording today. So I got to California on Thursday and my best friend Lynn came down and met me at a hotel.

Speaker 1: 2:32

We spent the night right by Disneyland and we spent the day Friday at Disneyland doing all things Christmas and Disneyland. We rode lots of rides. We were on small world Christmas because you got to go and see that for Christmas and you got to go into haunted mansion because it's nightmare before Christmas, and we did my favorite, which is the Tiki room. I love the Tiki room. We did the jungle cruise, we did Indiana Jones, we did the train, we did pirates. We had a very busy day, had a great meal and went out into Galaxy's Edge hoping to watch fireworks from there and there was no fireworks show that night. But we had a great time.

Speaker 1: 3:18

We've been friends for over 50 years that's hard to say and our favorite place is Disneyland and we've spent many times there and I hadn't been there since in a year and a half and I used to go monthly, if not a little bit more sometimes. So it was a joy to be back there. We spent the next, stayed in the same hotel the next night, so it was great. We just walked home from Disneyland. It didn't have to drive anywhere. It was wonderful, had our coffee in the morning and then she headed her way and I headed down to Orange County to spend time with my friends Debbie and Mary, and staying with Mary and Dave. Today we went to a beautiful concert out at a winery in Temecula. Dave's sister sings in a chorale and that was really fun Christmas music. And now I'm here talking to you.

Speaker 1: 4:12

So it's been a crazy week. We've got a lot done on the condo and the remodel. Craig sent me pictures. Counters are already in, sinks are in. It looks like they're staying on task. They said we needed to be out for nine days so that puts us back next Thursday into the condo. So we'll see.

Speaker 1: 4:32

Talk to my son. This weekend he and Sharon were going skiing and what else? The cats my one cat, patrick, who loves birds and all that. He loves it out there because he can just lay the floor to ceiling windows and there's the houses in the woods. So there's big fat squirrels and birdies and all kinds of things for Patrick to watch. Now Pickles is my little scaredy cat who finally, after a year and a half in the condo, isn't a scaredy cat anymore. But being in that house she's a little bit of a scaredy cat again. So she's going to be happy to know she's going back home when we get back home.

Speaker 1: 5:11

So that's been my week. It's a lot right. And I'm flying home Tuesday, this Tuesday, so I've got tomorrow here. I'm going to go to the gym with my two friends, mary and Debbie. Mary and Debbie Mary. That is right, mary and Debbie. Losing my mind. It is late here right now it's 10 30 at night and I'm doing my podcast, so cut me a little slack. We're going to go to the gym like we used to always go to the gym together. That'll be fun. I fly home early, early, early bird 6 45 am flight out of Orange County and I'll be headed home.

Speaker 1: 5:46

And then the holidays at home. We've got things coming up Morton Arboretum lights, zoo lights, I don't know all kinds of things, just trying to enjoy the holiday. So, whatever holiday, we're right in the middle of Hanukkah, I believe, right now, and Christmas is coming up and any holiday that you're celebrating. I hope that you're able to have family and friends and fun. We're going to up now. We're going to talk about grandparents in the holidays.

Speaker 1: 6:14

It's not always easy being the grandparent during the holidays and I've done a little research and was looking at some things and although I'm not a grandparent, I am a great aunt and I am now a great, great aunt one, two, three times. So that's exciting and just became a great aunt again on Craig's side, a great, great aunt on my side, and I love being an aunt. But again, it's very similar to being a grandparent if you're super active in their lives and we're going to talk about. Sometimes the holidays can pose challenges for grandparents. So sit back, refill those drinks and let's chat about being a grandparent.

Speaker 1: 7:11

So being a grandparent or being what I call a supporting role in children's lives, it's not always easy. There's always a dance. If the children, if the grandchildren, come from your daughter and your son-in-law, there's one expectation usually that way, and if it's your son and his wife, your daughter-in-law, there's expectations there, and I do believe it is different. I do believe that if the children are your daughters, you have a more comfort level sometimes than if the children are from your son and his wife. I don't, I kind of know why and I'm sure you do too, and it's just. It's just different.

Speaker 1: 7:59

But the main thing is. The first thing is to remember, as you go into the holidays, whatever they are, you want to remember that you are there as a supporting role, and I know that sometimes not easy, but you are a supporting role and they may give you rules, they may give you what you can and cannot buy, what you can and cannot do, and, yeah, you do need to listen. These are their children, this is their life. They're doing it their way, just like when you had your kids. You were doing it your way and I think it's really important to remember. They get to set parameters, they get to set the rules and you really do. Yes, you do need to follow them. You are a supporting role during this time. You are not the main event, like you were when your kids were little. So do some things as be flexible. Things change, Things change. Kids have a school program and then they get sick and they're not in it, and you know there's. You need to continue to be flexible.

Speaker 1: 9:06

Adjust your own expectations. Keep your expectations in check, especially during the holiday season. Use the empathy you've learned over the years to model grace and joy to your grandkids. Don't expect holiday schedules to always go your way. In fact, expect that they won't. Think about how you can support your adult children in developing a healthy nuclear family by honoring their schedules and and helping them. You know it's, it's hard, it's life is expensive. Right now. Life moves fast. Support your children and their children. Don't have high expectations. Honestly, think about when you were in their shoes.

Speaker 1: 10:00

Don't be greedy with the time. Focus on the time that you do get. Don't be greedy with that time. There are other grandparents. You may be the only grandparents if you are great. If you're not, don't be greedy. Think about the other grandparents. How do they fit in? How can the four of you possibly work together to make everything work for the family? Don't demand that they're at your house this time. Ask them what works for them, what's working for the other family when it comes to gift giving, if they give you parameters for your grandkids, take them. Listen to them. I know it's hard, but do it.

Speaker 1: 10:41

Think about giving your grandkids experiences rather than gifts, because one of the things you'll probably hear and you can remember this as a parent yourself they get so dang much stuff. Sometimes they'll just say please don't give them anything. Well, how about if I give them an experience? How about if I buy a zoo membership and we plan the zoo once a month? Or a membership to a museum or something like that or anything? You don't have to be the grandparent. They open the present and they go oh my gosh, grandpa, you're the best, you gave me the best gift. Experiences are important. Maybe stick to just books, giving your grandkids books, reading with them If they're preteens and if they're younger, find a book that you can read and they can read and maybe do a Zoom call once a week to talk about the book, like a little book club.

Speaker 1: 11:38

Think of creative ways that you can give to your grandchildren without adding to that pile of crap in their room. Honestly, think about it. There's so many things. Get them a pass to the movies and say, okay, once a month you're going to the movies if you're lucky enough to live close. If you're not, the book club idea is great because you could do a Zoom and you can talk about the book. What do you think? What do you think? The other thing you can do is if you live at a distance.

Speaker 1: 12:07

This is something my mom did and I loved it and so did my kids. My mom now this was back in the days on a cassette. She would record reading a book on a cassette and she'd talk directly to the kids. You could hear her take a sip of her coffee. She'd talk about if it was snowing outside. One of the best things about that when she was recording, my dad was an antique clock collector and you could hear my dad's clocks going off in the background. Those are incredible memories and that's a great gift to give to your grandkids. It's very personal and it's something they're going to always love.

Speaker 1: 12:44

Really, think about that. Think about when you are giving a gift, especially if you've been given parameters or if you've been told not to get anything at all. Just ask your kids is it okay if I do an experience or is it okay if I do this? Ask for permission. You may think that you are the grandparents now and you don't have to ask for permission. I'll tell you that's the fastest way to alienate a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law and your own kids, because this is their family now. This is how they're doing it.

Speaker 1: 13:21

Then think about other things you can do baking treats together, watching holiday movies together, decorating for the holidays. Maybe have your grandkids over. If you're lucky enough to have them close, have them over to your house and decorate your tree. Decorate your house. Let mom and dad have a day at home to put the lights on and you take the grandkids. How about a great Christmas gift? I know you guys want to get the house decorated. It's hard to watch the kids and put the lights up and do all that. How about if I take the kids for the day and they come decorate my house? There's so much that you can do holiday crafts, building a gingerbread house. There's nothing better than that. My kids up until they've all moved out and we've moved on, we did a gingerbread house building and I had all the gook and the stuff and we decorated cookies. One year we did ugly Christmas sweaters and it's just fun. It's fun to be together.

Speaker 1: 14:25

Again. Take your grandkids out and drive them around to look at holiday lights. Their parents are tired. They may not have time for that, but we certainly do. We're retired, we have the time. Take them for a drive to see holiday lights and then stop for hot chocolate at Starbucks or a local place, a local coffee place. Teach them how to write holiday cards and no holiday cards are becoming a thing of the past and bring that opportunity and that experience to your grandkids.

Speaker 1: 15:00

Remember to try to have no stress grandparenting. Don't put all that pressure on yourselves, don't put that pressure on your kids and don't put that pressure on your grandkids. Again. Grandkids have two sets of grandparents, sometimes three, sometimes four If there's been divorces and things like that. Realize that everybody wants those kids time. So make sure that you're flexible and then focus on that time.

Speaker 1: 15:28

You get your job as a grandparent or as a great aunt or an aunt or an uncle is not to discipline, not to make sure they're eating healthy, not to make sure your time is to have fun. When I have my nieces and nephews around, I don't care what they eat, it doesn't matter to me, it's not my job. My job is for them to love me, to have fun, to have a good time and remember your kids are building their own traditions, and maybe, if they don't have any traditions, help them figure out some. Perhaps pass on your spiritual legacy to your grandkids. If there is no spirituality in their home, bring some of yours. If you're a Christian home and you have Advent, explain that. If you're a Jewish family and you have Hanukkah and you have the menorah and all of that, do some explaining. Create your own experiences and traditions with your grandkids.

Speaker 1: 16:35

And also, the main thing is never forget to think about what your grandkids want. Don't force things on them ever. It's just not necessary. Grandparents have a place like no other in their grandkids' lives. Sometimes, though, it makes time for you to figure out your own place during the holidays, and if that own place maybe the holidays can't take place exactly on the holidays with you, maybe your kids have so many or other grandparents are being demanding. Be the flexible one, say hey, we can meet a couple days later and we'll celebrate. Don't demand that it has to be on that holiday. There's not always room for everyone on that holiday and I guarantee you, if you're the flexible grandparent or the flexible aunt or the easy-going one, you're going to be the most important one.

Speaker 1: 17:36

So this is a quick little episode. I know it's not as long as normal, but it's almost 11 o'clock at night and I am exhausted. So I hope this talk and this information about being a grandparent or the other relative in the holiday time with the young kids I've given you some ideas. I've reminded you of your place and I've reminded you of how special you are in that place. I hold nothing more dear to my heart than me being an aunt, a great aunt and now a great, great aunt. It is my privilege to be that aunt and I hope you find it a privilege to be an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent, a sister, a brother, whatever it may be, with the people that you spend the holidays with. So an early merry Christmas for me. Remember what I always say Beijing the first thing.