How many times have you found yourself locked in a power struggle with your child over obedience? What if the secret to teaching obedience isn't about enforcing rules but about building relationships?
In this episode, we unpack the art of instilling obedience in children, and it's not what you'd expect. I share personal experiences, tips on how to reframe situations for easier obedience, and how to get help from your support network.
But it's not all about the challenges. We also delve into the joys of parenting - the process of building healthy, lifelong relationships with your kids while teaching them obedience. We talk about the importance of picking your battles wisely, responding to peer pressure, and extending grace. Plus, we discuss how to create an environment conducive to wise decision-making. And there's a bonus! You can download resources like obedience phrases, games, and book suggestions to make the task of teaching obedience easier and more enjoyable.
Resources mentioned in the episode:
To download the handouts for this workshop visit:
https://www.triumphantlearning.com/the-four-cs-of-obedience-how-to-make-learning-to-obey-fun/
Until next time,
Crystal
© Triumphant Learning, LLC
How many times have you found yourself locked in a power struggle with your child over obedience? What if the secret to teaching obedience isn't about enforcing rules but about building relationships?
In this episode, we unpack the art of instilling obedience in children, and it's not what you'd expect. I share personal experiences, tips on how to reframe situations for easier obedience, and how to get help from your support network.
But it's not all about the challenges. We also delve into the joys of parenting - the process of building healthy, lifelong relationships with your kids while teaching them obedience. We talk about the importance of picking your battles wisely, responding to peer pressure, and extending grace. Plus, we discuss how to create an environment conducive to wise decision-making. And there's a bonus! You can download resources like obedience phrases, games, and book suggestions to make the task of teaching obedience easier and more enjoyable.
Resources mentioned in the episode:
To download the handouts for this workshop visit:
https://www.triumphantlearning.com/the-four-cs-of-obedience-how-to-make-learning-to-obey-fun/
Until next time,
Crystal
© Triumphant Learning, LLC
Obedience is a foundational habit that children should develop. When your children obey, it keeps them safe, it reduces your stress and it improves your relationships. Developing the habit of obedience often feels like a struggle or a battle of wills, but it does not have to be. Today, i'm excited to share one of my workshops with you, and you will learn how you can help your children want to obey, how to identify and remove some common barriers, and how to make it fun to learn to obey. You'll have practical tips and real-life examples from our home to help you rethink how you can approach helping your child develop the habit of obedience. I also have some resources available to you that you can download, and I'll have the link to those in the show notes. I hope you enjoy this workshop and find some things that you can implement in your home to make learning to obey a little more fun. These of obedience This master class, is going to equip you to help train your children how to obey and make it fun while they're learning to do so. Have your days ever felt like this? Training your children to obey often feels like a battle, a battle of the wills And you're not alone. Many parents struggle with this. I did too. So in this master class, you will learn how to help your children want to obey, how to identify and remove common barriers to obedience, and how to make it fun to learn to obey by employing the four C's of obedience. Let's start by talking about why do we want our children to obey. First, let's talk about specifically why we, as parents, want our children to obey. Well, first of all, we want to keep them safe. There are often situations where we need our children to obey quickly to avoid being injured or to leave a dangerous situation. We need for them to listen for our voice and to respond quickly.
Speaker 1:When my daughters were young my oldest was five I played a game called Run to Mommy, and when we practiced that game, i started by. When they were coming towards me, i would open my arms wide and yell Run to Mommy. And they would come running to me with a smile on their face And when they got to me, i would envelop them with my arms and give them a big hug and tell them that they had done a great job, listening for my voice and coming quickly. We were eventually able to change that to where they were walking away from me. We would be taking a walk and as they were a few steps ahead, i would repeat that process and suddenly say Run to Mommy. And they would turn around and come running into my open arms. I was able to increase the distance and eventually I could call them from across the house.
Speaker 1:Well, we were on a nature walk with friends one day and we had a group of kids with us. The oldest ones were in kindergarten and the kids were just slightly ahead of us. They had just rounded the next corner of this nature trail. We knew that they were in a safe place, but we were ready to call them back. It was time for us to go home. So I said hang on, hang on, hang on, let me give this a try. So I cupped my hands and I yelled Run to Mommy. And as I did so, i was curious if what we had been working on would actually work. And a few seconds later, there was a thundering horde of children running towards us, and in the lead was my daughter with her arms stretched out wide. She was coming to get that hug. When she got to me, i gave her the biggest hug and told her she did a great job listening for my voice.
Speaker 1:Now this is not just for little kids. When my children were older, they were in elementary school and we were in a different nature co-op. We were out on nature walks and we had trained the children to listen for a whistle, because elementary age children do not want you to yell out Run to Mommy. So they knew that when they heard this whistle they were to run to the nearest adult in our group. It could be that there was a safety concern or, most commonly, it was time for us to leave. And it was really awesome to watch the older kids and those who had been around a while to help the younger ones and the newer kids to know how to respond. They'd hear the whistle and they would help them. They'd say come on, we've got to go, it's time to go find an adult. They'd explained to the newer ones what the whistle meant and why they needed to go. So it was a way for them to be safe, but also to help us. It helped with our second reason less stress. Not only were we not worried about them getting hurt, but we had fewer struggles.
Speaker 1:Now the second reason that I want my children to obey is that it creates less stress. For me. It's a little selfish, but it's true. I was not as worried about them getting hurt because I knew that they would be safe by listening to my voice, but also we had fewer struggles. Have you noticed that your heart rate rises every time you have to repeat yourself or when your children whine or complain about obeying? You are effectively gearing up for a battle and you can't respond calmly, they're not responding appropriately and your heart rate is just rising. So when they obey, we avoid all that and we have fewer struggles and less stress And, related to that, we have better relationships. Because we're having fewer struggles, we are able to better connect, we can spend more time doing fun things and I can trust them to behave, so we actually look forward to doing these things together. Now, finally, i want my children to obey because it's training to make good decisions. If they can obey me, i know that they will be able to obey those in authority over them in the future, such as teachers, coaches, employers. There will be a time when they need to obey others and I can teach them to obey with the right heart, attitude and the right motivations that will allow them to think through the decisions that they're making when they encounter great areas And they need to decide if they should obey or if this is a situation when they need to follow their conscience and not obey. So that's why I want my children to obey.
Speaker 1:Why would our children want to obey? Let's be honest, even as adults, we often need a motivation to do something hard. Learning to obey does not come naturally or easily to our children. So I asked my daughters when they were in the fifth and eighth grades why they wanted to obey, and they gave me three reasons. First, they said that the Bible commands us to obey our parents. My daughter said if you obey your parents, you'll live a better life. She recognizes the wisdom and truth in the Bible when it tells us to obey our parents. As parents, we want the best for our children, but we recognize that they are not able to make wise choices without training and direction. We also know that obedience to those in authority over us pleases God, so we can begin helping them internalize these truths at a very early age. Now.
Speaker 1:The second reason that they gave is that obeying our parents keeps us safe. It makes sense that parents and children both have a similar desire to learn to obey. Safety is a big concern, but children do not have the same perspective that parents do. They simply do not have the life experiences yet that parents have. So we need to guide them and help them, but at the same time, we have to balance protecting them with allowing them to experience life and learn from their own mistakes. We have to allow them to experience those natural consequences. My daughters have said that parents know what is safe. They want to keep you safe and if you listen to them, you won't die. They've experienced the natural consequences of their actions often enough to know that not the heating, our advice and commands can be painful. When we allow our children to experience the natural consequences of their choices in a safe environment, they can learn and grow from these sometimes painful experiences when the stakes are not as high.
Speaker 1:Now, the third reason that they said they wanted to obey was that being obedient provides us with freedom and independence. If you think about when we experience new situations, such as driving a car or getting a new job or a promotion at a job, those responsibilities come with privileges. Driving a car is a big responsibility to drive safely, but it also is a privilege When you have a new job or get a promotion, you probably have new responsibilities that you will need to complete. You may even have some subordinates working under you, but at the same time that comes with privileges of probably a pay raise, maybe a new title, maybe some prestige. So these responsibilities come with privileges.
Speaker 1:My daughters have learned that when they obey they earn the privilege of going places. I have taken them many places. I would never have dreamed of taking young children before I actually had children and started to help them learn to obey. We've gone to art museums, concerts, job interview, dinners and travel all over the world. Now, naturally, they don't like learning to obey. They'd much rather fulfill their own desires and do what they want to do. But they've learned the importance of obedience. They've said things like if you don't obey you don't get privileges, and if you obey you don't get things taken away. They've learned how the many privileges in life come with a responsibility to live up to high expectations, including obeying those in authority over you.
Speaker 1:It is never too early for you to talk about the reward of obedience with your children. Talk about it early and often Even a young child can understand that when he obeys he gains privileges. If he holds your hand in a parking lot, he can go shopping with you. If not, he has to stay home. This has happened many times for us, that when my children were young, i had to sometimes find the time to go shopping when my husband could stay with them because they were not able to obey. But as they demonstrated their ability to obey in situations around the house, they earned the privilege of going shopping with me, of going to plays and concerts with me.
Speaker 1:You might point out situations where your child is receiving a reward for his obedience, or maybe when he's missing out because of his disobedience. Now, this should not be the primary motivation for why your child wants to obey. So you should be careful how you phrase the conversation. But it can be a motivating factor for some children. You can also take advantage of natural learning opportunities. If you read about a difficult situation in a book or observe a person in a movie with a less than desirable character, you could discuss that situation and how that person might be affected by his decisions. Some questions that I sometimes ask are was that appropriate? What does that say about the person's character? What kind of reputation will that person develop, and does that behavior make you want to be a friend to that person. There are many situations throughout your daily life where you can talk about when people are obeying and when they're not, and the rewards or negative consequences that come as a result of that.
Speaker 1:Now there are some barriers to developing the habit of obedience. As much as we want to help our children learn to obey as much as they may want to obey because they can see the rewards from that there are some barriers, and there are four that we'll talk about today. Think about your home. Who was in charge at your home? you or your child? When your child does not obey, he is asking who is in control, and your response will answer his question. Ask yourself these questions Does he obey on his own schedule or when you tell him to? Does he negotiate for different terms under which to obey? And does he obey for someone else but not for you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your child is likely in control instead of you. But don't worry, i was there too. I answered yes to every one of those questions, and you can turn the balance of power in your home around to how God intended it, so that you are the one in charge, not your child. So let's talk about how you can overcome this first barrier to obedience of not assuming your parental authority. First, you have to earn your child's respect. Your child cannot respect you if you do not give him a reason to respect you. It is your responsibility to take control of the situation and be the adult in charge, but this can be challenging.
Speaker 1:I realized when my daughter was two that she wasn't obeying me. I would lay her down on the bed to change her diaper and she would start to roll all over the place. If I tried to buckle her into her car seat, she would go as stiff as a board. She fought me on simple things throughout the day. As I watched my husband interact with her, i realized that I was abdicating my authority to him. Anytime he was around and she was being difficult, i asked him to help And as I watched, i realized that she complied with what he said to do. She was respecting his authority. Well, it wasn't easy, but I began to respond to her in the same manner that my husband did. I said what was going to happen and I followed through with that, and I did not allow others to take over her care. If I was the one in charge at the moment. I had to be the one in charge.
Speaker 1:There were some very difficult moments with this. We were with my parents at their church and as I was trying to buckle her into her car seat, she went as stiff as a board and she started throwing quite the tantrum. As other people were walking out to their cars, they were looking at us and wondering why this child is screaming, and I could tell that my parents were getting embarrassed. At one point, my mom leaned over to me and said do you want me to buckle her in? And I told her no, i have to do this. I have to show her that I am in charge and that what I say is what's going to happen. I had explained to my daughter, calmly but firmly, that she was going to get buckled into her car seat, and so I stood my ground. I held her gently until she finally relaxed and allowed me to buckle her in. She realized it wasn't worth fighting. Over time, she did begin to respect my authority and we battled less.
Speaker 1:You should also respect your children as persons. You need to show your child that you respect him or her, that they're not simply puppets for you to control, and that you want them to obey to make you look good. They have needs and desires of their own. Yes, they need to obey, but we need to be sure that what we are asking them to do is reasonable and developmentally appropriate. And we need to want them to obey for the right reasons, not just to make us look good. Respect is closely tied to relationships and trust, and the more that I work on relationships with my daughters, the more they trust and respect me And they know that I want the best for them and want them to grow up to be capable young women who know how to show others respect and how to command respect. Now, as teenagers, they are interacting with younger children and they come home sometimes and say how did you get us to obey, how did you get us to do this or that? because we encounter this situation with the kids in the group and we're not sure what to do. They're learning how to apply these principles with others.
Speaker 1:Do you have a strong-willed child? Have you thought about the definition of a strong-willed child? Our society often uses the term strong-willed to refer to someone who is stubborn or obstinate and wanting their own way, and on the flip side, they say that willpower means the ability to control one's impulses and actions. Those two seem a little contradictory. What would happen if your child truly became strong-willed and had the strength of will to control his impulses, if he was able to do what he ought to do instead of what he wanted to do? Our natural desire is to do what pleases us and what's easiest. Obedience is often neither pleasing nor easy, so we have to train and develop our will to do what is right instead of what we desire.
Speaker 1:When I first learned about this concept from Charlotte Mason in her original homeschooling series, it revolutionized how I approach habit training with my children. I thought I had two strong-willed children And suddenly I realized I actually had two weak-willed children and that it was my responsibility to help them develop the strength of will to obey and to do what they ought to do. My role reversed from one of combatant to one of a partner. The second barrier to the habit of obedience is viewing it as a battle instead of a partnership. I learned that I need to recognize when they need my help to obey. Both young and old sometimes need us to step in and help them. When they're not strong enough to obey on their own. We might need to remove distractions or take them by the hand and lead them as we clean up alongside them. Sometimes we have to simply recognize that they are not capable of doing what's asked of them, and we need to rephrase what we need them to do in such a way that they can obey.
Speaker 1:You should partner with your child. You remember the cleanup song Clean up, clean up. Everybody lets clean up, clean up, clean up, put your things away. Well, often we worked together as a team to get the job done. Whenever I provided this help, it went much easier and they were able to accomplish what they needed to do. This is also true for older children. Sometimes I would tell my older children to do something and they didn't always do it And I realized that they were overwhelmed. They didn't know where to start. So anytime that I would come alongside them and I would help them, even with just the first step in the process, it was a motivator and a way to help them get over that hump, and once they could start the process of obeying, cleaning up or whatever the task was that they needed to do, they were usually able to complete that task.
Speaker 1:You should also choose your battles. You want to build relationships and have influence in your children's lives As they move from strict obedience as a young child to making their own decisions as young adults. You still want to have influence in their lives so that they will ask you questions and you will be able to provide advice and guidance for them. And to do this, you have to focus on that relationship. You will not win every battle with your child And in fact, you may need to choose not to fight a few battles so that you can build a relationship and gain influence in your child's life. I want to tell you, peer pressure is not just for teens. I'm sure that you've seen this play out in your own life.
Speaker 1:Parents are afraid of what others will say if their child does not obey and throws a tantrum. This is the third barrier that we're afraid of judgment. So don't be afraid to let them throw a tantrum. When you first begin saying it with conviction and then following through on consequences, your children will probably throw a tantrum. This is normal and they're testing to see if you'll hold your ground, if you will be the one in charge. So stand firm and follow through, but you have to let go of other people's expectations. You may face criticism or judgment for allowing your child to throw a tantrum.
Speaker 1:I remember the time that my daughter was two years old and we were in a grocery store We needed just a few more items and she was walking alongside the cart and she saw something on the end cap that she really wanted. As she picked it up and asked if we could get it, i told her no, we're not getting that today. Well, we were both tired, we were hot, we were ready to be done and she started to throw a tantrum And I could see everyone starting to turn and look at us. I firmly but calmly took the item from her hand and put it back on the shelf and told her we were not getting that item. I had to pick her up and put her in the cart, but this was difficult because she had gone as limp as spaghetti and I was seven months pregnant. I did get her in the cart, i got her buckled in and I very quickly got the last couple of items I needed so we could check out. All the while she was screaming and every eye in the store was turned to us, or so it seemed. I was embarrassed, but I knew that I had made the right decision.
Speaker 1:I had to follow through with what I said was going to happen and not be afraid to let her, through that tantrum, recognize that obedience may look different in different situations. It may look different from family to family, because each family has different expectations of what it means to obey. It may look different for different children. We had a season where we were fostering a preschool age child and before he arrived in our home, we told our daughters that we expect you to continue obeying as you have been, but we are going to have different expectations of this boy. We don't know what his situation has been like. If he has been obeying, he has to learn what our rules are, and so, as we help him learn the rules and learn to obey, we'll probably have different expectations of what his actions are and what we expect of him versus what we expect of you. Your expectations may also change in different situations.
Speaker 1:Normally, our daughters are able to ask if they can finish what they're working on or get to a good stopping point. When we ask for help and we want to respect them and usually say yes, finish up quickly and then come help There's usually nothing urgent that we need help with. However, if we do need their help immediately, we tell them no, come right now, and we expect them to obey that. But there are times that we need them to respond immediately. But I tell them this up front when we went to stay with my mom after she had knee replacement surgery, i had told my daughters if Nana or I ask you to come help, you need to drop everything you're doing and come immediately, because you don't know if we need that urgent help or not and we don't have the time and the luxury of you asking to come in a minute. I expect you to come quickly.
Speaker 1:So it's okay to have different expectations in different situations, but explain ahead of time what is expected of your child if it's going to change. Finally, you should extend grace. Habit training is demanding on you and your children. You'll have days that you accomplish nothing other than taking one step forward in developing your children's character. I want to encourage you that even on those difficult days where you accomplish nothing except habit training, those are still successful days. Keep your end goal in mind that you want your children to learn to obey, because it will make your days run smoother in the future and you'll be building your relationship with them. So be patient and show them and yourself grace. Also show grace to others.
Speaker 1:It can be distracting and frustrating when we see disobedient or disrespectful children in a public place, but I try to remind myself I don't know that family's circumstances. Maybe they have new foster children, maybe there's an serious illness in their family or their family has just experienced a death. It's difficult not to judge others and I'm the first one to admit that I have a hard time with this but I remind myself that I don't know their situation. I don't know their circumstances and maybe what they're doing to train their children. I will often try to lend a helping hand when I can.
Speaker 1:After a hike in Yosemite, we were on the shuttle bus riding back to our lodge and I was sitting next to a family with two young boys. One was in kindergarten and the other was in elementary school. Well, the kindergartner had a lot of energy still, he was having a hard time sitting still and he was talking a mile a minute. So I started having a conversation with them. We talked about the differences in where we lived, about what we had done that day, what we liked, about the hikes. I was able to help provide some distraction and entertain him on the ride, and I was also able to provide a little rest for his mom.
Speaker 1:Now, the fourth barrier to developing the habit of obedience is distractions. I learned this firsthand when we went on a three-week trip to Maine. My girls traveled well. They've traveled since they were babies. We've never lived in town with grandparents, and so it was not uncommon for us to take long trips. We would drive five, six hours to visit them, and one year we had to drive 12 hours just to get to grandparents. So I was not concerned about their ability to travel well. I was concerned, though, because this was going to be the longest trip that we had ever taken. I was wondering if we would still like each other at the end of it. Well, we had a great time, and we've had many more like it. We've taken multiple three and four-week trips, and we all love being together in that setting, and I learned some very valuable parenting lessons during that time.
Speaker 1:I learned that we could be more consistent, and we needed to be consistent. Slight disobedience or a bad attitude that popped up was magnified and much more noticeable because we were with each other in close quarters 24-7. It was important and imperative that we nip bad attitudes and disobedience in the bud early so that it did not continue. I also learned that it was easier when we had accountability. My husband and I were able to work together as a team. When I was tired, he could take over. If he'd had a difficult day driving, i could be the one in charge of the children. We were able to provide backup for each other and provide a consistent approach so that we were able to be consistent. Training our children to obey on that trip was the easiest time that we had ever had with habit training. So from that we can learn that we need to slow down.
Speaker 1:We may need to adopt a minimalistic approach during times of habit training. It takes time and energy for us to train our children to obey. We may need to reduce the number of out-of-home activities that we engage in, or we may need to lower our expectations of what we believe it means to be clean or the type of meals that we have. You may need to have simple meals and simplify your cleaning routine for a short period of time. We should also reduce noise. We are bombarded all day by noise. People want our attention. Apps are dingy notifications at us all the time. You can play a television show, movie or music from anywhere, at any time. There's a non-stop stream of chatter. So when you combine that with selective listening of our children, it's no wonder that your children tune you out. We have to train our children and, honestly, ourselves to tune out distractions and listen attentively, but it requires practice and intentionality. It'll look different depending on the age of your child.
Speaker 1:You may need to take a young child to a different room. I did this many times during dinner when my children were not obeying. I would pick them up from the table, take them to a different room where they could focus on just me and they didn't have others watching them to see what they were going to do. They weren't trying to perform anymore And I could tell them this is what I expect of you. Are you going to do this or have you lost the privilege of finishing dinner? And they were able to focus and to make a wise choice.
Speaker 1:With older children, you might need to have them turn off the television or a computer or put down their mobile device. You may need to ask them to remove their headphones. Whatever you need to do to reduce the noise so that they can focus on you And, along those lines, have their full attention. Most importantly, make sure you're in the same room with them. I had a bad habit of talking to them as I was going from one room to another And my husband pointed out to me they don't know what you want them to do because they didn't hear you. I learned that I need to be in the room with them, go to them or call them to me so that I know that I have their attention. I asked them to stop what they're doing, whether they were playing with toys or later they were working on the computer or even just reading a book. I want them to give their attention to me. Sometimes I have to get down on their level and have eye contact with them. I may need to gently turn their head to look at me if they're not giving me their attention. I have to help them learn what it means to give me their full attention.
Speaker 1:Remember, it's not a matter of winning the battle. It's not even a matter of winning the war. It's about coming alongside your child and providing the guidance and accountability that he needs to build the habit of obedience. There will be some days that the only thing you accomplish is character training, and it is still a good day. Your effort is worth it. So let's talk now about what it means to make it fun to learn to obey. If you've downloaded the summary page for this master class, you'll find all this information on there, so you don't have to try to jot it all down. But I want to help you remember that these four C's will help you in the process of helping your children learn to obey.
Speaker 1:We need to be clear, use natural consequences, allow your child to choose how he responds, and be consistent. So let's talk about the first one. You need to clearly explain what you expect of your child. We've touched on this already. But have your child's full attention before you speak. They're less likely to process what you're saying. So that they can respond appropriately if they're not giving you their full attention, you may need to call your child to you or go to him. You may need to say his name. Even our smart devices listen for their name. When you say hey, siri, i like to incorporate this a little bit and have some fun, i'll say, hey, kidly Wins. It's a way to get their attention by doing something a little different and out of the ordinary I might get in my child's line of vision. Whatever it is that I need to do to get my child's undivided attention so that they can focus on what I'm asking them to do.
Speaker 1:Secondly, set expectations ahead of time. When we know how to behave and what is expected of us, we're more likely to obey, because it'll be easier. We know what we need to do. So, before you go to a store or you go someplace new, talk about what is expected. There were many times when my children were young. If I knew we would be in a place that would have fragile items, i would tell them that it was a duck walk trip. That meant that they had to have their hands clasped in front of them in their pockets or clasp behind them like a duck. That way they wouldn't be tempted to touch the breakable items. They would be able to keep their hands to themselves and just look with their eyes. But even teens and adults appreciate knowing what is expected of them. If we're going to encounter a new situation, if we'll be going someplace we've not gone before or we're going to an activity that my children have not experienced, i will tell them what to expect, what they might encounter and how they should behave. Any time that we can provide this information, it smooths the journey for everyone.
Speaker 1:You should also pause before you speak. I learned this when my daughters were pushing back about everything. I said they would not accept my answer And I didn't understand what was going on. Why were they all of a sudden not listening to me when they had been obeying? Well, my husband watched our interactions and told me they're not listening to you because you're waffling, they're pushing back and you're changing your answer. So I realized I had to start pausing before I spoke so that I could decide on the answer I needed to give them. And then I replied with conviction and I followed through. I did not let them change my mind. I had already stopped to think about the consequences of what I was going to say, and so I was prepared to enforce them. It did take a little while, but they did stop pushing back, and so now sometimes I have to tell them okay, hang on a minute, i need to get back, hang on a minute, i need to think about this before I give them a final answer.
Speaker 1:You should also give your children one direction at a time. Young children cannot remember and execute multiple tasks. Give them one task at a time and then tell them to come and report back to you Kind of like getting a special operatives assignment Go do this and then report back. Even adults cannot hold more than three to five items in their working memory. So you can work on increasing the number of items that your child can remember, but still keep it to three to five. Be sure that you give detailed instructions of what you expect of your children. Be clear in what they're supposed to do. We were reminded of this when we had asked our preteen daughter to bring the trash can back in. It was after the trash truck normally ran, and so we wanted her to put it back in the garage. Later that afternoon we realized the trash truck was driving by, and so we checked the trash can and, sure enough, the trash was still in it. What we should have said was check to make sure the trash has run and, if he has, bring the trash can back to the garage. Children don't do well with implied instructions. They don't always think through all of those steps, so we need to give them clear instructions and detailed enough instructions that they can be successful.
Speaker 1:Now I want to encourage you to focus on natural consequences instead of punishments. There are positive and negative consequences to all of our actions. If your child obeys, allow him to enjoy the positive consequences of his actions. Let him reap the benefits of obeying. If he's able to hold your hand while crossing the parking lot or walk beside you quietly and calmly in the store, allow him to accompany you on a shopping trip. If he responds by coming when you call him to go home, when you're at the park, he gets to go back the next time. But at the same time, enforce those negative consequences when they don't obey.
Speaker 1:One summer my children were in the neighborhood pool and I told them it was time to go home, and they ignored me. I knew they heard me, but they didn't want to get out. So I had to get in the pool, take them each by the hand and leave them out of the pool. As we were drying off, i told them we would not be coming back for a while because I couldn't trust them to obey, and if they couldn't obey me, i didn't know if they would be safe in the pool. So they had to show me throughout the rest of our day that they would be able to obey so we could return. They asked multiple times over the next few weeks if we could go to the pool. I said no, i'm sorry, you need to prove to me that you can obey. Well, they finally earned that privilege back and we were able to go back to the pool Ever since, whether we were at the pool or the park or any place that I would say it was time to go. If they thought about not obeying and continue to play, all I had to say was do you want to come back? And they immediately obeyed.
Speaker 1:As your child matures, she will experience natural consequences in different ways. If she's in a workplace and she doesn't follow the rules, she may be demoted or lose her job. If you have a child who's driving and they get several speeding tickets, their insurance premiums will probably increase. There are consequences for every behavior. So let them learn about these responsibilities and privileges and these consequences early, in the safety of your own home, and help them learn how to accept the consequences with grace and respect. If you want to learn more about natural consequences, you can read the book Parenting with Love and Logic.
Speaker 1:Next, follow through on those consequences. Don't threaten your child if you're not willing to follow through on them. For example, if you say, hey, stop throwing that mulch, if you don't stop, we're leaving. How many times have you seen a parent do that and not follow through? Or maybe you were that parent. I've had to learn to pause and think about. What am I willing to follow through with? I might need to change that phrase and say if you don't stop throwing mulch, you have to come sit beside me.
Speaker 1:Once I was able to state the consequence that I was willing to follow through with, and then I did follow through if my child did not obey. It was much easier to develop that habit of obedience, and there are times when you don't have to state the consequence for disobedience. You can just tell your child they need to obey. But you probably need to have in the back of your mind what it is that you are going to do so that you can follow through quickly when you need to. One of my daughters would often prefer to accept the consequence instead of stopping what she was doing. So I learned with her when I needed to state the consequence and when it was time to just tell her you need to obey and not tell her what the consequence for disobedience was. And finally, don't argue or negotiate with your children. Once you have decided what is going to happen, you need to just follow through with that.
Speaker 1:We had gone to a theme park with extended family and we had split the children up so that there were a few with each of the adults there and we could go to different parts depending on what each group wanted to do. It was a hot day, so I told the group that was with me take a drink, it's hot and we all need to stay well hydrated. Well, one of the kids looked at me and said I don't want to drink. I looked back at her and I said I didn't ask if you wanted a drink. I said to take a drink. She realized I meant business and I was not going to argue or negotiate with her, so she took a drink.
Speaker 1:When I tell my children to do something, i expect them to do it without arguing. It's very simple. Sometimes they don't have a choice in the matter. They need to obey or face the consequences of disobedience. So anytime that I have a child tell me they don't want to do something, i just calmly reply I didn't ask if you wanted to do it. I said to do it, and this has happened with my children, with family members, with other children. I've even used this strategy with a teenage boy who was not obeying me when we were on a mission trip. He needed to follow the safety protocols that the group had set out, and just because he didn't want to follow them was irrelevant, he needed to follow them. You also need to allow your child to choose how he responds. This is one way that they will be able to develop that strength of will to obey, because they are choosing to do what is difficult.
Speaker 1:You might start by talking with your child about heart obedience. What does it look like to obey with the right attitude? Sometimes your children will respond outwardly, but you can tell it's not because they want to. There were a number of times that my daughter would say yes, ma'am, i knew that she was obeying outwardly, but the way she was doing it was anything but respectful. Every part of her body was rebelling from the disdain dripping from every word, the fire shooting from her eyes, the movement of her head and the way that her eyes were rolling. I also knew that if she continued responding to me this way, that would carry over to how she responded to other adults, and she would end up in trouble and face serious consequences when she was older. So she had to learn how to obey respectfully and sincerely.
Speaker 1:I used an analogy that I learned in the book parenting is heart work. In this analogy they compared the state of our heart when we obey outwardly to that of a tomb. If you think about a tomb from the Holy lands, the outside is often white and clean. It's the outside of the rock, but inside it's actually dark and damp and it's decaying When we don't obey for the right reasons. That's what we look like on the outside It looks like we're obeying, but on the inside our heart is decaying and dark, and that's not how we want to be. So I talked about this analogy with both of my daughters, one who has the propensity to fly off the handle into an angry rage, as well as the other one who wants everything to be done her way or no way. We had these conversations at a neutral time when we could talk about it and I could explain what it meant and how I really wanted them to develop the ability to obey so that their heart was clean on the inside, and by having this conversation ahead of time I was able to use that language in the heat of the moment and allow them to choose to make their obedience voluntary.
Speaker 1:Now this type of approach to obedience looks different. You will have an opportunity to set a different tone in your home. You won't be a drill sergeant where our children obey out of fear or obey because you said so even though they don't want to. Instead, you'll have the opportunity to set a positive tone, to work together and to develop the right attitude toward obedience, and this can have a generational impact. But there are some drawbacks. It may take you longer to achieve obedience using this method and it will require a lot of time and effort, and you'll have to change your mindset about what it means to obey and how you will reach your ultimate goal. You also need to allow your child to experience the consequences of his choices. Like I said before, some of those will be positive and more like a reward, and other times they won't be so pleasant.
Speaker 1:I remember many times picking a child up out of her seat in a restaurant and taking her to the lobby, or right outside the restaurant, sitting her down and saying we already talked about that. We're not ordering dessert today. You now have a choice in how you respond. You can choose to obey and accept the answer of no dessert, and we can return to the table and finish dinner with everybody else, or you can choose to be finished eating and we'll wait in the car until everyone else finishes. Now I had to be willing to follow through on either of these options. But when I presented two options with my child one doing what she needed to do, the other doing what she wanted to do but having a negative consequence they often chose to do what they needed to do And it made us both so proud when they could make that choice. But I did have to be willing to sit in the car if they chose not to go back in. This has happened many times with my children and with my extended family.
Speaker 1:Follow through with what you say you're going to do and allow your child to choose how he responds. Also, don't overreact to mistakes. Your children will make mistakes, especially as they're learning to obey, and how you respond can have an impact on your future interactions. You want your children to come back to you, to talk to you and tell you about the mistakes they've made with others, so that you can help them learn from them As they mature into teenagers and young adults. You want that influence in their lives, so stay calm and let them know that you will always love them, even when they make mistakes.
Speaker 1:Finally, be consistent. Work together as a unified team. Children are masters at manipulating a situation to get what they want. If mom says no, maybe dad will say yes. If dad says no, maybe a grandparent will say yes. But when there's no variance in the response that they get, you can establish the habit of obedience much faster. So try to get everyone who interacts with your child to work together as a team so that you can enforce the same rules, you can use the same strategies and don't contradict each other in front of your children.
Speaker 1:Discuss it later in private. This has happened many times with my husband and I that one of us would pull the other aside later and say you know what? I think you should have handled it this way. Or say I don't think you're being consistent. I think you're letting the girls respond on the third or fourth time. Having that accountability is helpful, but be sure that you're not doing it in front of your children, so that you can present that unified front.
Speaker 1:Another benefit of working together as a team is that you can hand off a situation when you have reached your limit. There have been times that we would be having dinner and I would look at my husband with the look And he knew that it said I have dealt with this all day long. I can't do it anymore. I need you to back me up, and he would take over and he would enforce what needed to happen. Next, say it once and follow through. Your children will tune you out if you continue to say the same thing over and over without following through. If you count to three, they will learn to obey at two and three quarters, because why obey until three if they don't have to? So you will need to train your children to obey after your first statement. You may need to take young children by the hand and help them get started. This is also where having an accountability partner can be so invaluable. My husband notices sometimes when I get lazy or I don't realize that I'm saying you need to go do this And then I let the girls not do it until the third time I say it.
Speaker 1:It's easy to fall back into old habits, especially when we're tired and overwhelmed. So having an accountability partner can help you overcome that And notify your children of changes. You've already prepared them for what to expect and how to behave, but sometimes changes happen. Children often have a difficult time moving from one activity to another, especially when it's not what they were expecting, and this is especially difficult for some children. One of my daughters does not deal well with change, and so I would let her know as soon as I knew about a change in the schedule or change in expectations, so that she could adjust her mindset and be ready to accept what was coming. Even to this day, i let her know with as much advanced notice as possible what to expect, because it avoids stress. Younger children throw fewer tantrums because they know what's coming. They have time to prepare for it, so you can make learning to obey fun.
Speaker 1:Influential leaders bring life and joy to an environment. It's easy to start barking out orders and commands when we become overwhelmed with everything we need to do, but no one wants to be part of a team when one is ordering everyone else around. I want to be that influential leader. I'm the one in charge, but it's my responsibility to make it enjoyable to be a part of the Wagner team. This requires effort on my part because having children, regardless of their ages, is demanding and exhausting. I have to work to make it fun to be a part of this team and to obey. We use the games such as run to mommy and listen for my voice. I use different strategies like encouraging autonomy and varying how I say it. We did role-playing games and used timers.
Speaker 1:There's many ways that you can make it fun to learn to obey. One of my children's favorites was having a yes marathon. We would all of a sudden realize that they had asked me multiple questions in a row that I was able to answer yes. So I would give them this look with kind of a twinkle in my eye like OK, come on, come on, bring it on, ask me some more. And so they would ask as many questions as possible to which they knew the answer was yes. It was a fun way for us to develop the habit of obeying and just create that fun atmosphere.
Speaker 1:So in your bonus sections for this masterclass you'll find some extra resources. You'll find the obedience phrases, where you can use these phrases to reduce obedience struggles. There's the obedience toolkit where you will find prompts and suggestions to help you remove barriers to obedience. To improve your consistency and to spice it up so that learning to obey is fun, you'll find the obedience games. There are instructions for how to play 17 games that will help your children learn to listen attentively, follow directions, respond quickly and respectfully and improve their memory skills. Games such as Run to Mommy, listen for My Voice, and 15 others. There are book suggestions that you can read with your children, as well as books for parental resources.
Speaker 1:And, finally, that building the habit of obedience with older children. It requires a different approach when you are training older children to obey than it does with their younger siblings, and in this PDF you'll learn strategies that you can use to help older children develop the habit of obedience And you can create that atmosphere where you have an influence in their lives. I want to close by reminding you to enjoy the process. Take a deep breath. Building a habit can be stressful and challenging, but it can also be enjoyable.
Speaker 1:There were many days I had to remind myself of this advice from Gretchen Rubin. She said the days are long, but the years are short. You can find a link to this video below, where she's reading her poem The Years Are Short. There were many days that I fell into bed utterly exhausted and yet the years have flown by. This advice helps me keep it all in perspective.
Speaker 1:As I look forward, i see that there's just a few short years that my children will still be living in my home And I want to build my relationship with them and increase my influence in their lives. As I look back, my children have made remarkable progress. I remember the days of struggling with a quote strong willed two-year-old, the delayed obedience of a six-year-old, and the tears and anger we both had in those moments. And today I see beautiful young ladies who usually are quick to obey and do so cheerfully and respectfully. Had I only focused on achieving the end result of outward obedience, i probably would have been stressed and frustrated much of the past 16 years And I wouldn't have the relationship that I have with them. Instead, i have fond memories of the hours that I spent building my relationship with my daughters as I trained them to obey. I know that you can do this. I know that you can work together as a team and that you can make it fun to learn to obey.