Nick Vallentino, Ex-Calvary Chapel Pastor's Path to Clarity & Healing | Ep 69 | Moral Combat

In episode 69 of the Moral Combat Podcast, Nick Vallentino recounts his tumultuous journey from being a pastor's kid entrenched in the Calvary Chapel community, through the escalation of his personal and professional life crises, to his path toward healing from severe religious trauma. Raised in a devout family, Nick's life took a pivotal turn following a car accident that led to his expulsion from Bible College, propelling him into ministry work in Puerto Rico and later, to leading a burgeoning church in Phoenix. However, beneath the surface of these achievements, Nick battled with anxiety, panic attacks, and a failing marriage, culminating in a divorce that cost him his pastoral position and severed ties with his mentor. Facing intense shame, anger, and diagnosed with PTSD, Nick embarked on a healing journey, leveraging therapy, plant medicine, and cannabis. His realization of his father's abusive behavior and the subsequent estrangement from his family marked a significant turning point. Nick's commitment to sharing his story and supporting others through their religious trauma underscores the episode, offering hope and validation to those navigating the challenging process of deconstruction. His approach emphasizes listening, validating experiences, and providing a non-judgmental space for healing, showcasing a deeply human narrative of resilience and redemption.

Nick Vallentino: https://www.instagram.com/nickvallentino/

Moral Combat, hosted by siblings Nathan and Zach Blaustone, is a heartfelt exploration of life's complexities, with a primary focus on healing from religious trauma. Step into their world as they navigate the realms of music production, confront the lingering echoes of religious trauma, and embrace laughter as a universal healer. With each episode, Nathan and Zach weave together their unique perspectives, seasoned with dynamic personalities that make every discussion an engaging adventure. From unraveling the complexities of personal growth to fostering open communication, healing the scars of religious indoctrination, and embracing the unfiltered authenticity of siblinghood, Moral Combat is your passport to thought-provoking conversations, heartfelt insights, and the pure joy of shared moments. Join us in the combat for morality, one conversation at a time.

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Transcript

0:10

Yeah, you gotta get into the moral Yeah, yeah, yeah. What up, moral What up, everyone? Welcome. Welcome. My name is Nathaniel. Let's get Yeah, let's get that first. My name is Nathaniel Blaustone Faust, as The last podcast, yeah. I'm a married man now. Yeah, and I'm Zachary Blaustone. Yeah, just the Blaustone. Oh, wait, no, I can't be a part of I can't be a part of that. No, yeah, it's true. My wife slash my How does that feel, man? To be honest, well, first off, this Indeed. Because we were both raised in the Calvary Chapel. Christian church. Church, yes. And Calvary Chapel is important because but Calvary Chapel is probably the It's special. Yeah, they leave a really good imprint But yeah, the wedding went really It was just me, her, and my son, and it Being married, so far, so good. You should have been like, kind of sucks. Yeah. No, I mean, given that we talk a I was pleasantly surprised, man, how Wedding and marriage. And so through it. So personally, I've had married to my wife. It feels so good. Yeah. Good for you, man. I'm so proud of Took 33 years, but here we are. It was lovely to see you guys in the How are you, Zachary? Best day of my life. Never lived a better That's very true. I believe all of that. You know, we have a very special guest As close to in-house as you can get. Yeah, as close. And here on the Moral You've heard us do Moment to Reddit. One time. We have Does It Heal, which is a building up to is being able to not really kind of tedious and boring religious trauma for- Again. Again. Like 60 episodes. And so we're so happy to have with story. Because on this podcast, we they have plenty of religious trauma, I or what have you. Yeah. And we have a very special guest We have a very special guest. It's Yeah. Well, maybe we'll give a little more An ex Calvary Chapel pastor. This is a Big deal. Calvary Chapel is a non Yeah, let's just... We've already done a Let's give a warm welcome to Nick Hey, hey. What's up, guys? What's up, dude? Nick, thank you for Yeah, I'm doing awesome, man. I'm so found you guys and Calvary Chapel boys, Oh, totally. It was wild. Yeah. When you... First the way that you've got here into this was bizarre because we had interviewed and then we interviewed Julia Both of them connected with you And then you found us and hit us up, Yeah. Of course. And he... Horace sent me the link. He And I was actually with a buddy, and we on your guys' podcast. We're like, Damn. Was your other... He was a Calvary pastor too. Nice. And he's also an ex-Calvary Chapel Calvary Chapel pastor, yup. They're next. He wanted to be on, dude. He was like, Wow, that's incredible. That'd Yeah. The more ex-pastors we can get I honestly didn't know it was possible Chapel pastor. And so you've blown my our podcast has been like, so beautiful I think we all come from a church all your friends, even your lovers starting to build our own little ex ex-Calvary Chapel pastors out there. I'm definitely not the only one. I know That's amazing. But it's tough to get out, bro. It's Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thank you so coming on and being so excited to be a for most people, even just people sharing our story. And then we'll ask story? And 90% of people, I think, fuck that. There's no way I'm doing kind of, I don't know, it's really a that maybe their families don't like this secretive thing. Whereas some and loud. Don't give a fuck, bro. You you just got to like, be yourself, you know. And authenticity. The mean you have to get on podcasts and, you I'm just going to share my story, my leave the church or anything like that. is just, it's for me to share my truth, many people that are looking for someone and yes, speak out against it. speaking out against stuff like this, you No, that's awesome. I think that, um, podcast, the more gentle I've become like, I'm still, I'm like pretty you know, like that type of mentality. inside of me that's still kind of like, um, and I think that's part of the surrender more and accept more. And so this. I know that you're an ex pastor, and got to know each other a few weeks from pastors. Calvary Chapel like an hour and a half on the phone is when it always says soon. It was a just to, I hope that we can create a empowerment to where you can just share I know we're going to have probably a all Calvary Chapel pastor's kids. I was worship, all of that. And, um, and And, but I think the goal is just for you to give to us and our podcasts and our right? This isn't like we just hope man, for you doing this and, uh, you Yeah, likewise, bro. I, you, if you would I'd be doing this. Never would I have I'm just showing up and I'm grateful yes, you know, therapy. I'm not a normal guy that went through some shit I'm honored to be on your podcast. what we like to say on our podcast is no matter what religion it is, their parents and family and friends story that needs to be shared because of power and control and we're so easily that rebirth, right? Like, so like giving like being reborn out of crisis, like think those stories are like really originally? Where were you born? Let's Uh, with Dallas Cowboys game at my parents had me at 15 and 16 and they had me, they moved back to be New York, um, till I was 16, seven, 16. I Calvert chapel, Bible college, and What were you doing smoking weed? Oh, Marietta, the Bible cause you're not and you couldn't go anywhere that was be partaking in anything fun that like a big thing on campus. It's like of us, you know, we're like, dude, but you know, they had a bar there. we're racing our cars and, uh, we got but everyone, I think it was four Wow. Because you were like past over So we went to a bar, a bar, none of us feet in front of the Bible college, dude. thing. Everyone was fine. No one got we all got kicked out. Yeah. It's like you're out of here. I told you no more It's crazy that you say that because we same Bible college and like spilled, I even coming from like, our dad was in Smith and I had no, I was almost, I we all did. That's what you're supposed into the schooling and then you Bible college and still became, you're Yeah. Like I, I still didn't feel out of Bible college, I still serve him with my life. And when I got upstate New York to Puerto Rico, to part of like a, a community of the that were, Bill Gallatin was the one of the first guys Chuck had sent got saved under that guy's ministry and world and just pray about, you know, the go to Puerto Rico and Bill Gallatin, that they're supposed to plant a that he was supposed to be the guy to go with all these pastors and he already had a church, like an college when he made that announcement. Rico. They packed up everything, sold kids. Wow. Crazy. So I went out there to Puerto Rico for a while. How did your basically your parents were, they that? Yeah. My parents were not. crackheads. Yeah. They said sick. They with me. I think she wasn't even 15 yet. year old girl, dude. So yeah, it's crazy. of these people from Costa Mesa in their the like in real ways. And then they you know, all that. So then Bill saved through him. I don't, I don't know got saved was he had a painter in the his version of the story is he it's like, why didn't you just fire It's so ridiculous. So yeah, he ends up impressed by this guy's courage, you he gets saved and I don't know exactly other church that I'm aware of. Like within a year, my dad was an elder, when this happens. And, and then a Wow. How interesting. So then Are you the oldest? Oldest dude, yeah. I'm 43. And you, you walked away from but how old were you when you walked 11 years ago now. No, no, 10 years was crucified. Dude, everything happens I'm going to use that. Can I steal So I'm like, Hey Sam, you're Jesus Why that never occurred to me, bro. That's all right. That's why we're about church. So you're 33, you leave Yeah. So I was, I was out for two I was backslidden, you know, that's, fricking lost, dude. I started smoking in every way that I started like dating, something that could help me. Cause I was bro. Angry. I mean, I just, life was, it it would be if I left, you know, the out and this would be my life. Like the you know? Wow. Yeah. So I was, it was and I met this pastor still to this which I know there's probably a lot of experience, he was the only authentic struggles. He drank alcohol. He would He was, he would talk about it from maybe I just hadn't found the right Chapel. I tried Baptist churches. I all of that stuff was, you know, evil We had some pizza and I was like, San Diego, a couple blocks from the you know? And he invited me to be his interested? So I did that for about a two years and then I had met him and then So you did worship with him or at his Yeah. I started out as worship and then Yeah. Oh, of course. Within six months I was his assistant But yeah, it started out as worship. Well, yeah, we both, yeah. Ran the Yeah. Zach's guitar singer. I'm drummer. drum stuff since I was like, I think I was like 12. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's young. I was Yeah. I mean, I was, you know, I'm not rhythm. So it was so easy for me to play and he was like, you want to be in the you know, it was like, I'll never do you want to be in the band? It's like, I had to be in the ministry. And then he kicked me out of the band and I'll you're out of the band. And I was Like your agent, bro. Oh, it was crazy. All right. So then I want to get back to like Marietta. you get kicked out of the church. Your started the church in Puerto Rico, an American colony that is already a distant, but yet they're like education. And so, uh, that's I'm imagining with your parents, where Yeah. So I get there. I had never I went to Bible college, get kicked but I had never really played at leader. My mom's the worst leader. My you know, I backed her up on guitar a really that interest, but here I you know, I feel like I've blown it. pastor's kid gets kicked out of the, And I felt like an embarrassment to the my dad, they move out there. There's bedroom, little house, you know, knowing almost no one. And he just doing roofing and, you know, just basic there for the first year, just helping but then yeah, it started to grow. And She didn't have anyone to back her and the church starts growing. Um, Cause to your point, Nathaniel, it's love English and they love the, you what we call East LA people, like Island like Hawaii, right. You hear things like our church, I think we were one of two the culture of our church was unlike loved it and then some people hated up in our way and like, you know, they Americans think they're superior man. It was really wild. I didn't speak water. It's like, what am I doing prime of my life. Yeah. So I picked up that's when God really got a hold of was happening. I think I was secluded to help my dad. But, you know, I was next thing I know, I'm leading worship. grew to like a thousand people in biggest churches on the Island. And so concerts. And I'd bring in, you know, conferences. And so it was pretty cool, being. Yeah, right. Yeah. No, that's the that it's like, and I feel that way things in my life and be like, yeah, a growing time because it's so say that because, I mean, it sounds heater just turned on? I should animal in the back saying hi. My teddy but then they unplug cords and we get No more boobs. Yeah. So a thousand. Hold A thousand people you said were at That's a big church. That's even big, was at a hundred people for our whole Well, the pandemic and Trump had a It did, but that's a big church. I would Yeah. It's a huge church. Yeah. I three, 4,000 people. The thing with they are everywhere. 20 member churches, mean, much like in America, anyone can and there's very little denomination. Yeah. I've never been. I mean, I've worked with doctors that are, you know, So then you like, you know, you like Calvert Chapel family business, you know, so then how did you, when Oh yeah. Good one. So fast forward. I'm She was from New Mexico. She was only English churches, you know, church and yeah, she was like my dream and this is so ridiculous. I don't but my life was, bro. I had like until this girl matched my, the all of it. You know, she, you know, my, where like God calls him to leave and go Well then his, her son, I forget. It's dude, I literally haven't read these I want to pull it up, but it's, it's, Yeah. Well, Abraham and Isaac. Yeah. kills his son. Anyways, I'm basically he's having this this unnamed servant and he's talking that chapter was where I like had my So his, his, his, his wife was And there was all these details and fucking hot and I was horny, like And, uh, so yeah, we ended up getting back to the States because she had a And I was already kind of looking for while. I didn't have any clue that he was father-son shit. And, and, you know, I needed to go spread my wings and Yeah. That may have spread your wings That's what ended up what you did. So mega church for 10 years. So that's New the time. And I did, I worked for them shit. Like I should go start a church, Arizona. So I brought like 20 downtown Tempe, Phoenix. Damn. Yeah. you pull a couple of the cult members Well, that's the Calvary Chapel What's crazy is that your family, like Chapel didn't have, they had like maybe And then your dad being this international, like sort of like spread. that your family starts to being in anybody can go into a mega church and be cause it's like, that's a lot of It's on a level that's just so much so you have like, you're like, yeah, like their motto, right? It's like, That's the motto. Fascinating. So then Arizona. I love Arizona. Arizona is conservative, right? Highly Christian, So you started church. You're, I have a, I want to say my son's four Started church. Yeah. Okay. Father You know? So how long were you doing the pastor? Yeah, I'd say it probably So it all fell apart. Yeah. So we were talking that you had started, you Yeah. I've started a few with my dad and senior pastor of the church that, yeah, I Is that church still a thing? No, we Wow. So how did it crash? So why did it close? Yeah. Okay. So yeah, long story short, I planting a church and two young kids. She didn't have family support as a just started to like a lot of friction in for me. I'm planting a church. I'm doing like this was it. And neither of us And then I obviously would lead to like just, you don't know what's going on with even have that language. I didn't for the heart, literally every test what was happening in my body. I felt like an elephant on your chest, I live specifically my chest most often. fear, and all that. To find out at the dude, we've done everything. I think give me a pill for that. So yeah, then very, very beginning of my deconstructing mind around why I was anxious. I was I had worked my whole life to get to our first service had over 200 people. being able to rent a like a little strip that I had brought with me were, they musicians. So our music was just And well, it's true, man. And it's also especially in Calvary Chapel was the hottest worship leaders. Exactly. super handsome boys. They were twins, you so it was very music driven because we started meeting. So we knew we had to be students, I think we wanted to reach college ministry. Yeah. Interesting. I just had the anxiety. My wife And, you know, we were in and out of figure out like what was going on up like the stress of everything. And so, it got really bad towards the end and some of the juicy details because it's struggling. I'll give you this detail board of directors and I told them what step down, not permanently, but I figure out your marriage before you Like I have two little kids, my wife board decided. Like, no, like, Hey, let's hard. Let's give you a break. It was yeah. They don't want you to look pastor of the church. That's not a Yeah, true. You have bills to pay and we And if you leave or your marriage or is. It's just, we have to, the board to kind of help run the ship. And if, if is struggling, then you're bad for to step down and figure that out. And me out here or who had sent me from New was going on, you know? And he said, You know, like the Calvary, I don't It's like the, the, the senior pastor, power and control. Nobody. Yeah. We in our County, right? Like where we He's been running for 28 years. Oh, I don't know if he's done it for 20. I okay. Maybe like 22, 23 years. Just to I know we've never known the level that like calling another senior pastor where you're in charge, fire everybody type right? Like my, the, the power that our reflect back at him. Right. And how a dad, like that, the God complex and real. Right. And so that, and that's a these people. He is their pastor. And be the one supporting a lot of for the church. And there was always You know, this youth pastor, you know, and they get fired like that, you know? very capitalistic, right? Like very cloth of Jesus Christ, you know, from the jump, man, that like, oh, this like a business. Our dad makes a ton of tithe and be like, this goes to my dad, pastor's kid, right? You like believe all Yeah. Yeah. You can see that you were We, um, I Zach was a lot younger. No, no, policy of like, the most open that he tried to like, keep from us behind the scenes. And we would think from other people. And he'd be like, going on behind the scenes. There was a I'm sure you experiences too, in this county alone, like every has its own Calvary Chapel and its own five minutes here to go to this Calvary And so like, we grew up like being the we were known as the pastor's kids from like their his church to go to a next to ours that literally pulled when because he started his own him, like starting at somewhere else, lost a lot of people. And that like walking away from the church at taking my dad's church. And there weird. Like, there's all these guys that people from different businesses something. I don't know. It was weird. like that. I haven't thought about that banter that you'd overhear your people like still cannibalize, but they're both pastors in the same area. like when you get out of it and you how business works and how powerful putting that Jesus in front of them and they do. And then they start tithing. connection to trauma can pay people so might be like, you know, shielded with pyramid schemes do, right? They take pay this and we'll take care of you. we'll provide donuts, donuts, take your dopamine up and then we'll talk about kids drinking coffee at addicted to caffeine at the age of 12 like suited. Yeah. I was nuts. So then no, they can't do that. Fire the I fired the board. Well, okay. To my and told them what was happening and we because all my board, they were lived locally, you know? And so, yeah, church and said, look, this is what's would, or, you know, talking to you? So with me from this mega church. And so, to speak, Pope and I let them know like, and continue to run the church, even work on that. Or I step aside and I really mattered is the people that had come be part of this mission. Like I they all voted. It was unanimous. Like, I'm so sorry you're going through that. They're probably just really scared, that you might fire them. They're like, Yeah. I mean, think about them, like Phoenix and like the thought of, yeah, I me to stay or were they just terrified I don't know. I've never considered started going to intensive therapy. two week things. And yeah, we just were still running the church. But it just this. You know, I cannot continue to a growing church. All the while, like every time I preached because I a lot of progress. You know, it felt bishop or the pope. I call the pope and could just tell. He's like, look, new campuses. I need a campus pastor. And around friends and family. And you just you know, we put in our notice at the wanted to have someone, you know, people over the years. But we anyone that could step in and take ideally we wanted like a young person, you know, they're young. And, you already. We, you know, we have a lot question of like relevancy, you know. we were going to close. Now I don't No, no, I got you. Yeah. I know you're, I'm actually there with you. I'm like, I'm finding myself that's happening in spell? You know? So yeah, I was, I was failure. You know, my dad's pastor, wrong with me that I can't keep my you know, like health is coming up because my dad would, he literally a lot of like fear around mental like I was like my uncle. And so yeah, I moved back to Albuquerque. I take starting to deconstruct hard told me to do. You know, the church counseling and literally in my of time to fix my marriage or then I my, my, my date where I had to have so that's when I, that's when I left first time I left. Yeah. So that's when Mexico, you guys decided to get a I'm, that's when you're what you said What did the senior pastor in New a really close relationship. What left because here I was doing everything struggling, there wasn't like really, you know, that's one of the much do I talk about, you know, an you know, it's, it's private, but we were nothing that you would hear and go, And there was a lot of, you know, at that time, maybe four or five years, and now she's a young mom learning which called them then. Right. Like Right. So like her identity is like was, you're just feeling shame. It like that self, right. All that you that, that real you, right. That is you know, you guys, like you, you said you legitimately found the most and you were super horny and she was maybe there's like, you know, like those so it does make a lot of sense. Right. Exactly. We learned that later, four And that's the way the church goes, that's, that's, that's, it's not ago that you guys went through that, they were like three, four or how So I think what five, so 10 years Yeah. It sounds like such a tough time in shit lit up in flames for you. Yeah. There was just a lot of like, I back and was working. Like these years and just had done everything for campus pastor, worship pastor, running, you know, I think we had five all the graphics and visuals and all the a really successful college ministry. I like making 50 grand a year. Right. Wow. That's off spending time with these you know, Macedonia and parts of Europe my marriage isn't working out, I never since I let him know, like I'm Wow. I've never heard from that man since. Yeah, that's, I mean, sadly coming It's not, but it's, there's so many as pastors, kids, like you have youth the father figure, your father. And start to fall and you're like, wait a where are my parents at? Right? Like has, then there is no more community, especially if like, I don't want to put it's like, when you are a pastor's kids, the expectations and prove them, you're And then you're like, yeah, I'm kind Yes. You know, like, like pretty instant. And kids and all the other people in the they're going down the bad path that to do. And then you become the example Yeah, exactly. They make an example out yeah, you have no support. And then It's like, no, it's actually, this is pulls their support away. That's what Yeah. That's right, Zach. That's so that's the story they tell. But and you have shit on them. And so they, Like they got to get ahead of the story. narcissistic behavior, you know, but I'm now bad for business. So what is is to like, get him out of the picture morning. I was working at a coffee the schmear sets in my head. I like you know, like, it's just classic. Like but the only way to get rid of him some shit about us. We got to get ahead so muddy that, you know, anything he you know, that's, that's cancel like, we got to get this motherfucker addict, right? All the things started doing meth this whole time. We just like porn addict. He's a masturbator himself over to the lust of his flesh. Lust is a powerful Christian word. Yes. Really. So that's, it's, you know, you went back. Yeah. Right. How did, how it's that pastor I met that he took me but the 33 is when you left the first then end up in San Diego. Cause LA LA he takes me out to beer, asked me to be about a year and a half. And then the Nope, fuck it. I will never do this I'm not saying it's a universal thing, in the circles that I've run big and churches. Like this shit is happening at I'm not saying they all are doing all of it was inescapable. And I was like, 37, 38, you know, this is five years I can't keep doing this stuff. I need you know? So before we like get into the powerful, like so much of what, you so what got you like, what, what was You guys get a divorce, but this you were suffering from, you thought you were in liver, whatever it was. but I've experienced that where like my sleeping, you know, like start like you know, whenever I would think about it for me and they'd be like, no, you just like two days straight and just and then I like developed an happened. And it was like, my body was who knows when. And so I'm just like you like, would you go to these like people in the church looking for support help me with this anxiety? Like, so when me and Zach had our issues, there there was nothing like that. That was a Christian therapist in his but like, I'm just like, curious what Christian avenues and it's just do something about it. Right. Like, I I was dying. I was forced to try by this time. Like I was just so lost. torture chamber. Like my mind, I just so tortured, like so bad. All the verses, all of this, you know, it's just, mind. And, and then, and then there was feeling all of these things. So it's seven, and just literally I would Like I still am trying to piece I started disassociating fantasized about like one day just Like I just, so I just smoked weed all survive because it just, yeah, it was bro. I give all credit to therapy That wasn't, that wasn't a Christian through primary care. Yeah. I'd done it was fine. You know, I learned some funny for me to look back because the source to get help for all of it. You people, you know, like Zach, maybe that wasn't my experience. So when got on my website, like who's covered didn't want a guy. Her name was all this guilt and shame right around catchphrases around therapy, you know, more. You don't need to go there. Tell me Hundred percent, man. It was, yeah. for myself. Like it was actually when I therapist that I saw the first service I after I'd left the church. Yeah. Okay. names. When I found out about my son and therapist. This kid came to my life and that. And my parents were like, come back where it was like, I was back in the same like, and I was like, was starting and like, so sad. And like, so I got just, I was like, this is it. I to? Like, I'm going to kill myself. And somebody that you could talk to, you which, you know, given, I will say sometimes sarcasm and sometimes really dad's like, got this power with pastors are good at this. And I remember dad, I'm serious, man. I've never had And he was like, no, you won't. Okay. I worked. I was like, I mean, I wasn't And so then I saw this therapist that four or five sessions with her life and then gave her life to Christ. too into it, but it was like, I got you got very lucky with your Christian I don't, I wouldn't even, I wouldn't therapist. She was, I think a therapist therapist. There's like Christian but they can give therapy under a therapist and he was a fucking psycho and it'll just, you know, stop having Just keep praying. Just pray harder. It's like, oh, go And then once I had a real therapist, like, how can you deal with your I've never thought that way. Yeah. A sense of self. A sense of self. What is that? What are you talking Yeah. Like I've denied myself since I didn't even start. Yeah, exactly. that. It all starts to make sense. I head around this idea. Like what the anxiety, the stomach pains, the the rage, the everything is angry the roof. I party this, like, I didn't I got into consistent real about three and a half years ago was all about that growth, I have my but I didn't fully start making a lot worked for me and we started talking and you combine like therapy with some, has been a godsend for me, like no pun and also has probably my biggest and because that's like the mother of mother that coddled me outside of the I am the safest I could ever be in it's never just one thing, but therapy, with a person that was like, whenever I of my parents or the abuse or the church intensity or like, it was just another I get to figure this out now. Like I But then giving you the agency to figure Yeah, it was me, the agency. And also which is now my wife, who had the who didn't really kind of reflect that was kind of like, yo, you have serious of a thing. But enough about us. not a Christian therapist. You just the best. Right. And it's Kimberly or actual, just like basic therapy. Where make the connections? No, informed. Like she understood. Really? I get that that was a lifesaver, you knew she was like, first session, like extreme religious trauma and abuse, until I was almost 17. So, and it was confused I was with those emotions. in that moment. Like I had lived my whole any of this. I didn't know what fucking sick. I've been trying to serve like, in my mind smoking weed every like the rage, bro, the fucking rage in to know, like, maybe what she's saying is that I'm feeling is actually, she's like this is normal stuff, man. You have she's like, it's new. It's kind of so conversations around religious trauma and know, say that it's actually its own she broke it down for me. And so, your whole life and that emotional side, there's nothing wrong with you. It's that you can heal from. And it was right. I thought like, this is going me the right pill combination. Like right there, dude. Damn. That's really the cosmos. If there's a God, God God is in everything. So it's a therapist that will recognize And so just that synchronicity right be like, no, you got some trauma. Cause I we didn't know of religious trauma this podcast, which we didn't even start were thinking about it. I was telling that we had where we just talked about it are you feeling what I'm feeling? No, it if you keep doing that, you'll you're fucking right. And that's going on like Wikipedia and being a whole podcast on just like together what research is on it. And so I was crazy in therapy and was going through a to like hold it all together and broke that mold. And I saw like, it's there that have expertise in that have trained PTSD, right? And so disorder, which, you know, like to a T, have it. And it's so sad how wonderful it complex post-traumatic stress Because there's still so much in me in certain things like to where like healed or like continue to grow out lucky because I didn't even hear It was fascinating to me how people saying things like I had no idea that that's just wild, right? It's just Bro, since I started, you know, people don't know. They're, you know, I Just like living in misery. And so it's your whole worldview is all of this is you're the problem. So how would you like our experience, like my body forced have never went to therapy, you know, because I felt so scared of it. I felt screaming at, like, I just knew if I young kids and that's not an option been fantasizing too much about it. She you have to find purpose. And to do. And I just, I knew I had to try a lot of bad luck, but that was some you're still a lucky person, even if you'd never believe it. I like hear I've never heard about that. And million people get it. And I'm like, right. I am kind of lucky. I'm like, it point. Keep it positive. It's a relationship with your family now? Oh you know, the four siblings, the three, four years ago. Wow. So she's, family. Like her and I, it's like, then I he was, you know, he, he was abused in details around that. So he actually moved abuse he experienced, which you know, meeting up with him. Right. So the picture that was painted was that, and no, we were never through that. we were smoking weed. Zach smoked forever. No, that's what started like any reality just exploded my brain. like your issues became like, Hey, Luckily, everyone is out of the house church and family. And so similar each other. It really tainted our together. Like most of our lives last, the separation we experienced. So it's because your parents just, if they're hide things from people because they we are the church, right? Yeah. I mean, you know, had so many problems and manipulation and control. Like that's Yeah. Yeah. So then, yeah. So then this brother or younger sisters deconstructed and So yeah, you know, they're married and dad's like right hand guys, planting So they're still in the ministry. So working in, do you talk to them? at least six, seven years. Even your My parents, it's been, I want to say But really ever since I left to get My relationship with them immediately was my kids know their grandparents' names. a senior pastor. Like I think my dad go twice a year to Marietta for like, through my city and you know, the see my kids. They wouldn't come see, I wouldn't they see you? Yeah. So since me bipolar the final time. And I knew I wanted to leave Puerto Rico. And he you were supposed to go, you're So that, that was like, so then I just that my soon to be wife, she, she could go get married and move. And why would listen to your dad. Don't listen to your there's nothing wrong with you. You and you want, and you want to move. Yeah. So yeah, that kind of hurt my And then just over the next couple of I went from spending every day of my life you know, to now that I'm getting You know, it was always me initiating it was like, man, you really need to here's the problem being that mega excited. I moved to New Mexico. I had no but now I'm like 10 minutes away from moving here. And I was so excited, in Puerto Rico to now, like I'm in at ever talk about. He just talks so much that just kind of like killed our be like in my kids' lives. They never I could start to see my parents were my relationship, my relationship was that age. So, you know, but I'm having mega church. And so I just was like, Oh, time goes by, time goes by, nothing's my sister calls me crying one day, you what, 12 years different. So I because every symptom that I've and she's like, I don't know what's They have me on medicine. And, and made me want to be a coach because when I need to help her. Oh my God. And she you is that you were backslidden and you all this like just bullshit made up her, no, you know, the reason I left is control freak. And she's like, Oh my left? I'm like, yes, dad called me complete control. And so her and I, so um, so yeah, I, I forgot your question No, I thought I'm so, dude, I'm so No, we were asking about your Just seeing you like if you, and like, so why you don't talk to your two And so you said you haven't talked to That was it. It's hearing her my dad, she's in Puerto Rico with my me like voice memos of like my dad in pastor who was my, the middle sister's to how they talk to me, like lost it. I called my dad. She, she told right? Stuff like, you know, this is like the thing that ultimately was that back to church after this, it was because two years. You know, things were falling sick, all the things. And she you come in here every week and you you're seeing every single day around point are you culpable, dude? you know, and so that, from that I was starting to heal. I was starting I'm guilty of, of continuing abuse. coming out of like starting to heal, that my sister comes in the scene and these stories about my dad over the last you know, I, I had it out with him doing are so fucked up. You, I thought people's lives. And you want to sit and doctrine or big church, little time I'd ever talked to my dad like that words. He's like, Nick, Satan's gotten You know, it's like that kind of again. If this is, if you're going to accountable for those things, you You know, I started to heal from my shit long. We had almost no relationship. So It was like righteous anger. the shit I know, bro. Like, how do with that at all? You mean like, as in really going on, like, or like what that's a big one for me, man, is yeah, we some of the stuff behind. I know what there's weird shit going on. And it's like putting it out into the world. But complacent with it at the same time. right. I was kicked out at like 17. I house for like a year and a half, two was just tumultuous. Like, but like trouble calling out shit because that's like leaders in the church, they're, to be like, like what you're saying going to abuse and it's reinforced with of seeing the abuse that they're causing I was really vocal, you know, like the medical marijuana card. I like would my rooms in the house and all these you know, medical marijuana and how like, I have a medical marijuana Nathan, what are you doing? Like freaking kids that was just like, and it was not sometimes cause I was pretty aggressive. It was like everything that impossible for me to not, I didn't I was just a kid being like a that 17 year old, that like 16, 17 because that was the age where it was was angry. I was angry. Zach was on a level that was so astronomic. I blurt out whatever I would say. And so calling out bosses, calling out abusive be like, yo, if there's something out. There was toxic white male, about. So I was just kind of like riding leadership ever since. Right. And Like, and so I think that it's just like for me that I feel like in the safest is this is how we can start calling bring to light because I whenever I in this county, I run into people, They are in so denial that like, a older person who's like evangelical to you know, my hospital, right? aren't. And, you know, they think we're happy that you're doing it. And person who from the jump has been like, always able to like experience And one of the things that they of course, would never say names. But to somebody else in my work, I was like, we finally have like broken the like, I'm really excited about this interview trauma came from. She overheard me Nathan, get over here. She's like an let's go like, what's up? And, you obviously, something bad happened in the church. So immediately, without like belittling mine. And I went, but I think the writing's on the he was suffering from like abuse to him. Yeah. And she looks at me and happening now. And I was like, and I She was like, the Bible speaks of leaderships in the church, and they're And I was like, that's like one like walked away. And I got this want to like scream or be like, that you should know that. Because like things so perfectly, especially especially when you were a leader in it, So anything that you say, you're the So I don't think that it's really that's what they did. That's what our you're the abuser, you're the bad one. doing this podcast has given me the like, at least, at least it's there, at this, and they're still like, I don't, then we're gonna block you. You know, You know, because there's like, like, Zach brought up a study that was people that are like born in radicalism, connections to brain injury. And how showing how like, people that have brains that are damaged, that same from birth. Wow. So it's possible that lack of curiosity, lack of openness, where you can look at like, like, sister who's reaching out to you the same thing a battered wife or like slip notes and be like, I'm being And so it's, it's the same, right? are the abusers. And then if you come they're like, no, you're not, you is so similar. Yeah. I mean, we do that like you, you're bold, right? Like, problems to say. For some reason, it's world like this, not this world, this talking to, they're still silenced, bro. it is about. I don't know, I still, I trauma victims, like, you know, like against it. But then there's a lot of us but like, we didn't, like, we're still up about myself and what I want and who it resists that, you know, no matter how like, doesn't seem to matter. And that I'm starting to build a community their parents still think they're talk bullshit. They think they know But if that was any other abusive responsibility to report stuff like there's just still so much, like, some documentaries are coming out and This is abusive. It has to stop now, you that, man. No, and I am too. And I, like to survive, like, I was going to die too doing kind of like, I reflected what I threw the tables over, right? And the world, they'd be like, you know, I felt righteous because I was like, my little brother who was, you know, she was the perfect Christian, you know, just like, starting to feel that there like, I didn't. And so like, most of my I was outspoken. You know, like, it's right? Whether I was hammered drunk or to be outspoken about my trauma I thought I had it being a nurse, I got all these awards, like, wow, because I'm an ex pastor, I'm a of that, the ways I saw my dad talk with was able to like, filter that into tactics, which are like, kind of where I've had massive success in healing in the same ways that youth pastors they're touching everything that we It's not the pulse, it's just a pulse, no, there's a lot of pulses in this other pulses, when like, that one pulse what your family's in. Yeah, I just one person, in this relationship, And those abusers being your own your parents. You have nobody, right? they're, they're like, my, the ways outspoken about it was this, it was, get me. So I gotta go. So I would like, because we'd have a blowout. And I'd be nobody. And I just, it just took me so I didn't understand me. And the only way which I still am in. And this podcast is has really opened the door to actually like your experience to like, I don't, shoulders with any of this shit. complex post traumatic stress gets true. So it's like, so what's nice I've been coming across lately is, with depression, I was diagnosed with really happy to get these diagnoses, denial most of my 20s, all throughout I got on an adderall, I was could get it prescribed, I knew over the last, I'd say probably just in really, like some deep, deep plant healing. Yeah, I've learned that I or depression or ADHD. I think I disorder, period. Everything else are I've been like, a lot more self aware, I'm like, Oh, damn, there is this mother crazy kids and teenagers that are you know, if like, I don't know, it's and it's probably gonna go on till that you arrive at with healing, you you know, understand more life. And, you said that, like, there's a mother and teenagers. Yeah, that's cool, man. It out, you know, like, yeah. And it's so those things, it would, it would move if there is a God, in my body is built of everything that's happening and aware mind. Why would you keep that from me? in my DMS today, actually waiting to reasoning and the logic is so flawed, you know, just this, the way that, like, Christianity is the only objective And I'm like, but do you really believe so that you don't go inside and be happy. in regard, like, regardless of if God Like, like, I could still like, follow to be in church now. I don't but, you sense? Like everything they were because I made this post. And he zeroed matters. And he could not understand I get it. I love you. I hear you. I is there's this objective truth. And And so, like this whole conversation, that they believe the Bible is do you think the Bible is like which is what they do, right? But when but it's not. It's just not struggle connecting with is if they just if they just incorporated some of if I was just given the agency to have I'm powerful and God made me that way for like, this is a wonderful religion. want you to have any agency of self and have myself, I'm going to kill in that direction if the religion isn't it doesn't make sense. It's not good yeah, but the, but the, but the logic and it's like the human centipede, shit and feeding it back to each other. keep eating the shit, keep eating past the next day. And Julia like was before she came onto our cast that just like a married woman, Christian one of my greatest, you know, for forgiveness before I even start failed God. So what I do before my feet there is, you know, like that, this thinking like, you know, you're born a like, you don't even have an option to be evangelical, private chapel, like we was like, we've, we were so lucky to We were the lucky ones. And they're bummer that they lost you. Right. I used to in my early twenties, I would like feed that younger self. But evangelical Christians because Like we're going to, we're not talking and where yours potentially maybe lose, right? Cause everything's faith Can't win over faith. That's it. talk with evangelical SDA, Seventh-day Adventist, like We've talked with Southern Baptist, there are Christians that were raised you know, way more well, you know, like better relationships, long the church and they're like, oh, left that crazy and started their own, so that's why we, I really do think that And there's evangelical and like talking about Jonathan that we had though. That's the thing. It's like, There's something about being an and there's nothing else here for you I would presume. Yeah. You know, this forgive me guys, I'm new to this space. very ignorant what I'm going to say, followers was I'm personally right the thing that creates trauma, like right? Spiritual abuse is I think a leader using their authority, right? To like the trauma, which is as far as I and years and years and years and years unpackaged that in my own life is not Meaning it's, it's not church. Isn't and I know they're misinterpreting it. off of a book that is open to and translated and translated and speaking wrong. And if you listen to idiot and you could drop me right now, it like at the very core of scripture, Nathaniel, like the messages we hear, without him. There's nothing good in me. hearing that are traumatizing. Right. from my experience, like, cause it's like a lot of what we've been emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. then a lot of that's going to be a fundamentally religious trauma Chapel's whole motto is by the word for and that's like in every family, it's with your mom, it's in your family everything is every, you know, like you group and they're like, is there like like I thought it was supposed to be and they're like, they're sold. And I don't know why you just gave your life is read the, but that's like Calvary word. And so it's one verse at a time, you know, two hours on two verses. And I think Julia called it hermeneutical or Yeah. Right. So it's like taking the and us being pastors kids, man. Yeah. because I wanted my dad to be proud of you know, being able to recite scripture well, I'll do it. So that shit was like part of my deconstructing was And, you know, my whole life I had so you know, as I was, how I was taught of Calvary Chapel and how everything Bible college, you have to listen to Bucks. We just learned that, dude. I never heard that. That's what Julia Julia was telling us that you had to get of Chuck studies listened to every that's so creepy, man. So creepy. So but. Oh, I haven't listened to Chuck Chapel pastor voice. It was just like, That's my joke. Why don't we just, why Yeah. Okay. So we're getting to the two things up. But is there anything like anything like on your mind right now? your story. Then we've talked a lot just been displaying or putting on are powerful as fuck. Is there to share in our conversation on my just so many of us, man, that I'm at of us until I started this. You was. I knew I was a victim of that. But disconnected from this whole world. So kind of started surfacing this three many of us are going through it. And so up on Instagram and as a coach and the people like me to feel seen. That's tell you how to be, what to do, preach you know, to raise awareness around But that's number one. It's just, I if you're listening to this podcast and there's any potential that you um, I'm so grateful for podcasts like you can out. And so that's, that's like last months is I'm hearing all these people are like telling their it as like, show up, make some stupid just unbelievable. Like, and they're I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but of us currently right now suffering know? And then how many currently are I mean, there's just so many, and I have created, you know, if there's not awareness, which is, it makes it, it because we can be those spaces and we those spaces too. And then expanding What do you mean by that? Yeah, I was people, man, get through this stuff? So I started it reluctantly stepping three months ago has radically changed. I anyone or anything yet. At this point, I thought I, guys, I thought I had six Again, all my training, like I six months, you start getting a And so I just started posting on people are asking me every day. How like, I'm like, I have been resistant to it these people like asking for help. I'm I don't want to be a therapist. I don't I feel good about it inside. And in the And in the meanwhile, I'm just every comment, just trying to connect to answer the question, I don't like what most people think of a but now that I'm here, it doesn't feel great for me and what's going to learn how to be a coach, you know, one like program, right? You build like an it's intensive. It's like all these And why that feels inauthentic for me if you were to have hired someone to it would look completely different my program that I built, that's going It sounds so similar. It sounds Is the same shit. And that's why I so I don't know what to even really call you know, for the last three months, how I can help people. That's going like Zach, I want you to be able to would have needed five years ago. You And so when we're done with this for I'm getting close right now. I'm just me and like, they're guys, they're they feel like in their fucking mind, I'll take you on. I don't even know what you know, we'll have a lot of like, dude, I went all in, I have been I have psychics and I've done all the like pseudoscience stuff. I'm okay with where I stand right now is like a guide. different ways to do that. Some are more journey and be, you know, someone that way and has learned a lot of shit about us and how we can heal from it. And just going to like say to that is I that you're feeling like not the same, Instagram like a handful of months publicly here. So you make videos, you Next thing you know, you're getting DMs yo, I went through that too. And you fall and you're like, damn, there's complex post-traumatic stress and I think that like, so like me and religious trauma, like we would get Like when Sunday would come around, dude? Like, why are we doing this? Like, no one's watching it. It's hard to do I'd be like, I don't fucking know why therapists. We have no idea what her response to me was so powerful. She suffered from extreme religious been in therapy for years and you're trauma, you're an expert in your field gone out of it. Like, so you're an expert because you're an expert of experienced talking with other people, coming in for this interview. It's going to share your story. And already that for us, like if you just, for abuse, not only is it empowering for those that hear it as well to do therapeutic that that's where it can It's just the, you're just having a you in this. I just think that I'm going public and you've started this want to have, I don't want to be a people how to live their lives. Like working on this Jesus complex. And purpose. I want to have like less need what we learned was doing this for a that what we were doing was healing we're starting to heal more and more. make connections. I don't know. I just wall. What you're doing is powerful. it's powerful. It's that simple, huh? what's amazing is there are like a lot like they helped to have helped us. And, like a long time. Right. And so like in this situation might be not Here's my story. And they're like, you what you're doing, man, is really find your Instagram? It's just Nick Love it. Love it. Well, let's I have we always finish our podcast with Zach's but let's. No, I don't know. This can all the kids that are like in in adults that are trying to find their them all the time. What would be just What would be a piece of advice you So they're in it. Yeah. Are they? This to some on your podcast and they and such, or they are aware they're more of questioning, little Like if, if that person was sitting I would just want them to be seen. I you know, just validate the validate the questions are okay, I would just love the fuck out of a I wouldn't even really want, I would research that more, have more discussion that would be kind of my approach. Like that kinds of stuff. I wouldn't, I'd be or leaving the church or all of and being faced, and this is kind of would be this person that has just left like we've been through, like that at the very, you know, at the very And I just want to hug you. And I'm so It's so messed up. You deserve better. like I would just want to affirm that when you're ready, like you're going to leave that right now, but I promise man. I wish I had one person in my And I try to fix it and I try to, you and you're going to be okay. And I'm I want to help you. Love that. Thanks for sharing that. bro, for doing this, everything you just said, like that main value, which is to anything that anybody that you what I'm taking from that is like, your your perfect client is yourself. And that's where real healing is, is when huge. And so you can offer that you can by being my own parent that maybe I can't do this for you. Yeah. Yeah. So I have so much gratitude, man. I'm And thank you for like, I know that you're starting to share your story also for us really being the first really a big deal for us. And I think conversation with other people, your story a lot. And so can we, but in this world knowing that there's community too. That's a big part. that it's like, it's all going to be to share this and do this with us. It's Zach and Nathaniel, I really appreciate I'm telling you, I was sitting on the eating some Doritos, watching the two like us, dude. It's like, yeah, it is It's like, but that's awesome. It's but he's got to become the next time And also this friend of yours, that's an dude. If anybody that you come across like leading our way, that would be, anybody coming out of their shell to really powerful. And so if there's we'd be super grateful for that. I stop, man. That you guys are creating a people guys stoked, man. I love this we're going to sign off, bro. Thank you phone because that's the last time that solution. Thank you so much, Nick. As having some technical Combat Podcast. We love technical especially right when we're having And I really, I valued that a lot. I remember these points that people Benedict. He was like curiosity. So is his approach was, I hear you, let me is to be heard. And that's huge. That's is to be seen, be heard. And Julia's Such good messages. Yeah. It's book with just all this advice. And it's just that one sentence in a quote. the Moral Combat Podcast book, and going to sell it for$20.99. And we're All right, folks. Thanks for being Nick Valentino. That was huge. That was See you next time. Bye. Bye.