#43 Our Needs and the Needs of Others: The Lessons of Gate 19 in Human Design

How to we balance the needs of those we serve with our own needs? This week I'm exploring the energy and the lessons of Gate 19, the Gate of Wanting (Human Design) Approach (I'Ching), or The Gate of Attunement (Quantum Human Design™) 

This is Tribal energy that's all about Resources. It requires that we are sensitive to the needs of others, ourselves, and able to balance the two so we can sustain our own energy which allows us to serve the tribe.

The shadows of this energy are pernicious, and I think they are something we all can understand and relate to. xo

Chapters

• 0:00 The Energy of Gate 19
• 15:11 Transforming Shadow Aspects for Growth
• 23:29 Cultivating Self-Worth and Communication
• 28:53 Emotional Awareness and Self-Care

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello, hello and welcome to this week's EFT Tap and Talk. I'm Corinne and my neighborhood is getting an upgrade on our internet connectivity, so I am on my phone today because I can't risk having us cut out in the middle of our class. So this week, what we're talking about is the energy of Gate 19, which is where the Earth is for the next few days. The energy of gate 19, which is where the earth is, uh, for the next few days. Um, and forgive me, I have notes today because I don't, I can't trust that my, uh, my Google, my Google drive will stay online. So if I look down, it's just because I have all of my stuff printed out. Today.

Speaker 1: 0:36

Um, gate 19 in human design is called, uh, the gate of wanting, and it is about resources. It's about understanding and knowing what your own needs are and what the needs of those around you are. This is tribal energy and as tribal energy, it is meant to be looking outward. It's about sensing the needs of others and um also that, that desire that we have for connectivity, because it is about being part of that tribe, right and in tribal circuitry, in the tribal energy that happens when we talk about tribal in human design. It is all about being part of the tribe and the only way that the tribe succeeds is if everybody does their part to serve the tribe right. And if we are outcast from the tribe, we are then, you know, at risk and we will die and our needs will not be met. We will not have enough resources. Um, and that's what this is all about. The energy of gate 19 is all about resources and the fact that we are all connected and it deals with that sensitivity that the, the needs that we have to provide resources for other people and also to make our needs known, because we are also worthy of having our needs met by other people in the tribe. It's connected to the channel of synthesis which connects up through the emotional solar plexus, so there's a lot of feeling going on here, um, with the sensitivity that we have around our needs and the needs of others.

Speaker 1: 2:17

In the I Ching it's called approach, and I thought that this was another interesting thing, because I like to. I don't understand all the time when I see the gate of wanting and it's also called the gate of approach, and I'm like how did we get from wanting to approach? And then, if you look at the gene keys, it's called the gate of sensitivity and in quantum human design it's called the gate of attunement. And when you think about sensitivity and attunement and wanting, and you think about resources and being sensitive to the needs of others, all of those words make sense. But what does approach mean? So approach talks about how, when we are um, sensitive and receptive to what's going on around us, we will then see a need to fulfill, we will see something that is wanting, we will see that there is something that needs to be done, whether this is being sharing a resource, creating a resource or finding a resource or serving emotional needs of the people around us.

Speaker 1: 3:21

And the key to the word approach is all about that incremental, baby step movement toward the perfection of the problem. Because if you, if you move too quickly, if you hurry the solution, you're not going to actually solve the problem at all, you're going to create more problems. And so the piece has with it this aspect of growth and almost like a seedling, like when you plant a seedling, all you can do is be sensitive to its needs. You can't rush it. Nothing is going to change the speed at which it does its thing. All we can do is nurture it and see to its needs. And so the um.

Speaker 1: 4:08

The thought that popped into my head when I was reading about the iching um meaning was all was haste makes waste right and fools rush in. And again, it's not just about rushing into something and having it be the wrong move, it's's about. It's about the needs, it's about, um, the resources. It's about solving the issue of a lack somewhere in the tribe and in your business as an entrepreneur. This is something that actually is really important, because we need to make sure that we are um, we are attuned to what's going on in our business and we also are um, are able to ascertain where we have gaps in resources to serve our clients, which, in this case, would represent the tribe.

Speaker 1: 4:55

At the same time, we must make sure that we are serving our own needs, which, again, which is why we talk about like serving from the full cup you fill your cup and you overspill into the saucer and you serve the world from the saucer. That's what this is talking about, because, in the shadow of this, you're overextending yourself to serve the other people, because you're not able to modulate that. So, yeah, in quantum human design, this is called the gate of attunement, like I said, and what this is about is the ability to sense the needs of others and also discern from your own, separate your own needs and making sure that everything that you bring to the tribe is done from a place of sustainability, which again comes from that cup. And it's also about being able to be vulnerable and stand up in front of all of your people and say, hey, I have this need, need, and do so with the understanding and the trust that your needs will also be met, because everyone in the tribe also sees that you are a member of the tribe. Right, it's more of like the round table approach to problem solving, because we are all equals when it comes to the tribe and the need for resources and the need for access to the resources and the need for support. When it comes time for us to be supported, right, we need to be there to support other people and be attuned to the needs of the people around us, but we also need to be able to, you know, raise the flag and say, hey, I am depleted, I need support, you know. So what does that look like when we are stuck right?

Speaker 1: 6:49

Because in our EFT Tap and Talks, we talk about the shadow of all the energies because we're trying to heal these problems that we all have. Right, and this is again. We talk about the shadow when we're learning about human design, because we have more access to the shadow than we do to the, the highest expressions of these gates. Um, which is not to say that we are all in that struggle place and we're dealing with the shadow. We, we move through them, we cycle around and around and around and things pop up, and so the way that the shadow of gate 19 could show up, first and foremost, is compromising your own needs, right, martyring yourself for the needs of others, and that's the act of doing that is not good, right, we don't want to be sacrificing our own needs for the sake of other people. But where does that come from? Right, and that can come from this, um, a codependent thing. It can. Can come from oversensitivity, excessively sensitive to the needs of others, which can make us feel overwhelmed and it can cause us to shut down, it can cause us to turn off that. Hey, I haven't eaten in six hours, but hey, this person needs this and this person needs this, and I'm going to keep on pushing and pushing and pushing and like we know what that causes, right, that causes burnout, that causes us to get sick. We can't. We can't operate from this place where we're not sustaining our own support system, whether that be through self-care or through accessing the resources of the tribe, like asking for help, ask, letting other people help you.

Speaker 1: 8:21

And it's funny, one of the my morning routine I do a card draw and I have actually I have the deck right here. It's called the sacred rebel. I'll show you the book. This is the book. It's called the sacred rebel. This is what the cover of the box looks like. And I pull a card every day and one of the cards, um, that I get frequently the line that I underline is like let yourself be helped.

Speaker 1: 8:43

It's like, oh, am I not allowing myself to be needy? And even the word needy, it's like that has a negative connotation to it. Like let yourself be helped is part of connecting and it's part of you know you have to be vulnerable in order to do that. And the struggle I find when I dig into my own problem with doing this. It's about perfectionism. It's like, oh no, I'm the one who's going to support everybody else. I don't have any needs here. Like I don't need to be supported.

Speaker 1: 9:18

And it speaks to like what's the twist on that is, if I'm not willing to be vulnerable, if I'm not willing to ask for help because I need support and that's coming from this place of like well, I don't need support because I support others and you know I'm the one who's always giving out the support. What that says is that I judge myself for being needy. So, even if I'm not openly doing so, that that whole, if you come full circle in that conversation in your mind you're subconsciously judging the people who need help from you and you're putting yourself above them in some way, or you are judging them negatively. You know, and this is not necessarily something that we do consciously, but like, think about that for a moment. If you think about what it means to support others and if you have a problem with asking for support, does that come from this place of like oh no, I can't possibly need support because people who need support are negative. Or it could also come from this sense of not being worthy of support. I am not worth the time and resources of the tribe.

Speaker 1: 10:41

And and I've also had these conversations I remember talking to my family about wanting to take this certification that I wanted to take and it was really expensive and it was going to be a financial investment to do so, not only just my time and energy, it was going to slow down my business because I had to invest so much time in learning and like basically going back to school, but I also had to take from the family resources, the financial resources of the family, to do so and I like it was really hard and I didn't have to ask. It was just really hard to just express hey, I, this is something that I want to do, and I was like whoa, there's like a big self-worth thing going on there, and it's not because anything overt, it's not like my family's telling me that I'm not worth it. This is like deep, like child work, this is like old stuff, and so when we identify those things that pop up, well, those are stories. That's a story that we're telling ourselves about ourselves. And anytime that you find something like that, that's exciting because you've identified something that you can now work on and you can heal, and then you can move through and as soon as you identify it and you and you identify it as being ridiculous, that's it, it's done. The work is done. You just have to, like, see it through, but you're not going to be working on this for the next. You know, hundred years. You've, you've identified it, so now you just have to make sure that every time it pops up you'd be like, yeah, that's not real, I dealt with that already. Or, you know, do some some deeper diving into. You know, for me it's a lot of, it's a lot of inner child work, it's a lot of, you know, reparenting myself in a way. So interesting, interesting stuff. So how else does the shadow show up from gate 19?

Speaker 1: 12:27

And in my notes I wrote down a fear of rejection which is, you know, when you are hyper aware, right, all of these are kind of tied into being overly sensitive to the needs of the group. When you are hyper aware of what's going on in the group, of all the dynamics that are happening, you could feel like you can't step in, there's not enough resources to go around, and you can feel rejected. You can feel excluded. You could feel like there isn't a place for you, whether or not you're actively being not included, like I guess excluded is kind of a charged word, it isn't about being pushed out of the tribe. It's actually feeling excluded because you haven't been able to find an entry in and that's you know, because you're hyper aware, you're thinking too much, you're in your head about what's going on, we can become emotionally manipulative and I think that this is one of those things that a lot, a lot, it's part of the human condition.

Speaker 1: 13:27

I'm just going to say we are probably not even aware of all the ways that we use our emotions to manipulate the situation. You know everything from pouting as a child to, you know, cold shoulder and like, oh, it's fine. You know, like that comedian was like when she's talking to her husband and he's telling her something I think it was Eddie Murphy who did this joke and he's like you know, you're talking to your wife and and she's like, oh no, it's fine, why don't you go to sleep? You know so he's like afraid for his life because of emotional manipulation. So that is not to say that's what's happening here.

Speaker 1: 14:07

I'm just saying the opposite of that is victim mentality, like if you feel like your needs cannot be met, your needs will not be met by the tribe because of anything that you see with the resources, or there's just too much going on, or you don't belong or you have self-worth stuff. You know you can drop into this victim mentality, out of this perceived lack of support and resources, and this can also come out of not feeling like you can express your needs. If you can't express your needs, you can't take your place in the tribe, you can't say, hey, I need some of these things. Then you're going to feel outside while the rest of the tribe is voicing and getting their needs met. Boundary issues, right, that's a big one, difficulty in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Because you have your desire to please others. Because we're going to compromise our own needs, right, to please others, because we're going to compromise our own needs, right. And that's the big, I think, the underpinning um kernel of the big shadow. The shadow when I think of gate 19, the main shadow is compromising my own needs so that I can serve the rest.

Speaker 1: 15:11

Um, and where that comes from. You know that could come from that lack of self-worth, or it could come from being, like this, codependent, or it could come from that, that place of that weird judgment and the other ways that this looks like. It looks like resentment, right, it turns into resentment and you know, fine, I don't need any of you I'm gonna let go here and climb into my cave and be by myself forever. It can be martyrdom, like when you martyr yourself for the sake of everybody else without filling your own cup. It can turn into control issues, like that's a big one, and I think that you know, as a recovering control freak, I am intimately connected to the way that that looks and it is about being the one who's serving everybody else, like if I am doing, if I'm leading.

Speaker 1: 16:01

You know, I'm a mom of four and we have four kids and when they were little it was four kids under the age of five it was absolute pandemonium unless I got in control and I was always in control. It's difficult to ease out of that and as the children have aged and now they're young adults and we're seeing them off to college very soon, the you know the stair step down out of managing everything has been hard to release, because it's kind of one of those things where it's like, well, if you had only done what I told you to do, you wouldn't be in this pickle. If you had only done what I told you to do, you wouldn't be in this pickle. But at the same time you know their pickle and their journey is their own thing and they're going to grow and be stronger for it. But that's hard and it's.

Speaker 1: 16:48

You know, maybe the compromising of our own stuff for the sake of the tribe is more of a pattern and not necessarily actively linked to martyrdom. And you know, feeling outside and I can't you know, I can't be the one who needs because of judgment. There's just, there's just so much stuff here. People pleasing is the next one on my list and that is it's huge. Prioritizing other people's happiness over our own is toxic and what it does is it compromises us in our authenticity, because we are then not showing up in our true, vulnerable, authentic self, like we are not able to say our true, vulnerable, authentic self, like we are not able to say no, I don't want to do that, or yes, I want to do that, but I can't do it now because, or hey, my needs are more important than this other need.

Speaker 1: 17:43

That's happening right now, you know, or I'm struggling and I need, like when we martyr ourselves, when we put ourselves second to the needs of other people, gosh, you guys, it just drains. It drains the cup and all we have is the cup. We have the cup and we have the saucer, and if the saucer is dry and we're sipping out of the cup, when that's done, we're done Like not dead, but we get sick and we burn out and you know it's really just, it's not a happy place to be. And burning out when you deplete your cup, it isn't like, oh, I just need to sit down and take a bath and, you know, do some self-care and have a mani-pedi and fill the cup again. The filling of the cup is an arduous, that's a long process.

Speaker 1: 18:26

That's a healing and that is something that we want to avoid. We don't want to get into that place where we have lost, like, our hold on who we are and how we show up. And you know, I deserve to stand in my shoes in this family, in this tribe, in this job, in this community. You know, whatever, what have you, we must make sure that we hold on to that and that speaks to authenticity, like and authenticity, you know, is one of those words that we kind of we use it a lot of different ways. It's not about, you know, honesty. It's not about well, I guess it is about honesty. It's not about speaking the truth, it's about standing up and showing up as your authentic self, which, you know again, is integrity and honesty and and truth. But it's not about like somebody saying, oh, that person's inauthentic, and what we mean is that they're lying to us. It's I am not able to stand up in my authenticity because if I stand up and I show you who I truly am, you're going to reject me.

Speaker 1: 19:32

And you know, authenticity is a big deal and it's it stands to our um, our structural integrity as a, as a human. We need to have that Um, you know, we need to be sound with our structure, like, like, like an airplane or a car, like if, if, if, if it, if it needs to go in for maintenance and we we skip the maintenance cycle, then the door is going to blow off when we're at 37 000 feet. We can't have that, and so all of these things serve us in that we pull back and we reassess and we solve and we serve everyone's needs, including including our own right. So how do we transform the shadow aspects of gate 19, right, and this is again not becoming a martyr, right, and filling our cup first? This is self-awareness doing regular check-ins and recognizing when any of these shadow aspects are emerging. And it's, you know, it's kind of like, yeah, if you study anything with the Enneagram, the Enneagram talks about, uh, the nine personality profiles and, um, each personality profile has these nine facets to it and it's like the basement and the I can't remember what they're called the basement and like the midline, and then like the balcony, like the highest expression, the lowest expression. Well, the purpose of the lowest expressions are they're meant to be red flags.

Speaker 1: 20:58

When you see yourself doing these things, that's a hey, that's a big stop sign that makes you want to be like, wait a minute, why am I doing that? And then you dig in and you can find that in this, in this energy for this week, if you find that you're doing any of these things, that are the shadow aspects of uh gate 19, which is compromising your needs for the needs of others. Um, boundary issues, you know, codependency, martyrdom, control, people pleasing, um, you know, acting out of desperation, like clawing at something because you need to have, have, have, have, have, without actually, you know, doing that slow, stair-step approach, dropping in, to do like a personal check-in whenever you see those things pop up, is vital. Practice healthy boundaries, right, and that's a big one. That's something that comes up all the time.

Speaker 1: 21:53

We need to make sure that we are prioritizing our own needs, and that does come out of self-care, but it also comes out of vocalizing our own needs and making sure that the people around us who are in our tribe know what we need, because they're not mind readers and if we don't communicate, how can we expect that to be honored? Right, emotional regulation, you know, meditation, mindfulness, journaling, getting yourself into a place where you can respond to anything that happens, as opposed to react, because when we react, you know that's the blurt, that's the whip, that's the flash, and we don't want that. That's the whip, that's the flash and we don't want that. Like, we can receive the information, have the awareness that, well, I want to flash, but I'm going to take a moment, I'm going to take a breath and I'm going to recalibrate so that I can respond. Right, that's a big deal and that's actually part of that give and take of voicing your needs and serving the needs. And voicing your needs and serving the needs, you know having, um, the ability to be assertive in, in conversations, and that's something that I had to learn as an adult. Like I, I was such a people pleaser and I did not really understand the depths to which I was suffering from this and the cost that it was having on me. So it's a big deal Having a really good support system, having a way to do a self-validation, cultivating self-worth from within, and not needing the external validation of somebody saying, no, you are worth the resources.

Speaker 1: 23:29

You should know that you are worth the resources. And how do we the resources? You should know that you are worth the resources. And how do we? How do we drop in and and look to ourselves for that Right and human design teaches us you know you are worthy because you're here, like you exist. Therefore you belong Like. You didn't come here by accident. You're not like. You're a once in a lifetime cosmic event, as my mentor says. You're meant to be here, you are a vital thread of the cosmic tapestry and you belong here. You belong here, I belong here, we all belong here as our true, authentic and individual self, as our true, authentic and individual self, you know. And if we could, if we could cultivate that and just know that on our own, like what a beautiful world. It would be right.

Speaker 1: 24:21

Um, communication, mindfully communicating with the people around you, assessing someone's needs and expressing to them hey, I see that you have a need lets them know that they don't have to keep striving and chasing the need. And also, when you then voice your needs, hopefully the people around you will say hey, I hear what you're saying and I'm going to support you. Communication is the key in so much of this, you know. So have you noticed any of these shadows popping up in your life? You know, and I know that I have. I mean, most of these come out of my own personal experience. When I'm making these notes, I'm going to take a sip here as my voice gets gravelly, you know.

Speaker 1: 25:05

And when they show up, what strategies have you found, or what strategies can you implement if you're newly becoming aware of these things in yourself, to transform these shadows and flip them over into something a little bit more positive? Or just nip them in the bud and pause and come to a place of response as opposed to reaction? You know, and are there specific situations or relationships where these, these shadow aspects, are more likely to emerge? Right? Like you know, there are people that just know how to push our buttons right, um, and there are people who don't, not that they don't know how, they just don't do it like that's, that's something that they don't do. So think about that and think about how you feel coming into interactions with other people and your family and your tribe and your work and your in your neighborhood.

Speaker 1: 25:53

You know, in all the different ways and um try to number one, give yourself a little bit of grace when it comes to um judging yourself and your behavior and how you're dealing with certain things, but also understand that this is an energy, this is a frequency and this is something that we can actually tune. This is something that we can work more closely toward actually attaining. And you know, the work is making it more and more and more and more automatic, so that we're not actually struggling with all of these shadows and we can just be like, oh yeah, hey, I feel that I see that shadow. Or you're able to say, oh, my gosh, well, the old Corinne might have behaved that way and now I'm able to do, to do it this way, to respond in this way. That's progress and we need to, we need to really do a lot of that. You know of I are changing and growing, because we're always changing and we're always growing, but we don't always give ourselves credit for those kinds of things, and so that is what I wanted to share with you today. And it's a a thing, guys, there's a lot going on with the way that we operate as humans and how we have grown conditioned, in the way that we use our interpersonal skills, and I think that you know, the more that we dig into and explore all the different ways that this stuff rubbed us wrong or felt really good and juicy. Um, you know, the better we are, the more resilient we become and the more connected to our empowerment, more connected to our vitality and our authenticity. Um, which is really what this is all about. Right, getting getting closer and closer to the true, to the true kernel of who we are.

Speaker 1: 27:44

So some questions from my mentor, karen Curry-Parker, on Gate 19, gate of Attunement how do you manage your sensitivity? What coping mechanism do you have that keeps you emotionally connected in a healthy way? Are you emotionally present in your relationships? Do you need to become more attuned to your own emotional needs and ask for more of what you want and need? That's a yes for me. What emotional patterns do you have that may be causing you to give up what you need and want in order to fulfill other people's emotional needs, and are you able to be present to the emotional energy around you to help calibrate in a creative, intimate and sustainable way? I like that one Are you able to be present to the emotional energy around you to help calibrate in a creative, intimate and sustainable way? And the affirmation for this energy is actually really powerful too. I'll read that one for you.

Speaker 1: 28:53

I am deeply aware of the emotional needs and energy of others. My sensitivity and awareness gives me strength, insight that allow me to create intimacy and vulnerability in my relationships. I am aware and attuned to the emotional frequency around me and I make adjustments to help support a high frequency of emotional alignment. I honor my emotional needs as the foundation of what I share with others, which really is the core of all of it. Right, it's filling your own cup and serving the needs of the rest of the world from the saucer. If we are able to really be attuned to what's going on around us, we can do two things we can identify our energy and then notice that somebody else's stuff is actually not ours, and we can serve ourselves so that we are full enough to serve the rest of the world. Um, so yeah, that's what I have for you today. That's that's gate 19. Uh, tap and talk and I will, uh, I'll, catch you online. Have a great afternoon.