Rediscovering Hope and Healing in Marriage through the Care Cycle

Welcome, dear friends, as we unveil the secret to halting the devastating Reactive Cycle in your marriage. Promising an insightful journey, this episode of The Vision-Driven Marriage introduces you to the five steps of the Care Cycle, a tool that promises to shepherd your marriage in a positive direction. Based on the wisdom of Robert Paul, author of "The Nine Lies That Ruin Our Marriage," this episode promises a deep dive into the art of processing emotions and navigating conflicts by taking responsibility for your own emotional needs.

As we move along this voyage of rediscovery, we highlight the importance of owning our feelings and how casting them onto your partner can be detrimental. We touch on the necessity of inviting God into our healing process and the power of surrounding ourselves with honest and uplifting companions. In the latter part of our discussion, we examine the heart's role in marriage and how keeping it open can be a beacon of hope in resolving underlying issues and disputes. So, lean into this conversation and explore how, with God's assistance, you can breathe new life into your marriage.

Things we mention:

The Prayer from Restoring Hope

“God, please help me calm down, think clearly, and remember that my spouse is not the enemy. Help me lay down my fear, anger, hurt, and frustration in order to be open to your Holy spirit and experience His peace, patience, kindness, gentleness. Help me right now to have eyes to see and ears to hear so I can understand my won heart, what I am feeling, where it might be coming from, and what I am needing at this moment. Give me humility to see the log in my own eye and how I might be contributing to all that is happening right now within me and in my marriage.”1 In Jesus name, Amen.

1. ‌ Paul, Robert, et al. Restoring Hope. Focus on the Family Publishing, 2023.

Book by Robert Paul: Nine Lies that Destroy our Marriages.
9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage: And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free: Smalley, Greg, Paul, Robert: 9781589979710: Amazon.com: Books

The Vision-Driven Marriage Special Christmas Podcast Series
https://heartcallministries.org/Christmaspodcastseries

Focus On The Family
Home - Focus on the Family

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Disclaimer:This podcast is provided for informational purposes only. We are not providing clinical counseling services through the podcast content, and the views expressed in this podcast should not be taken as professional mental health advice. The content shared on this podcast should not replace any medical or professional advice you may receive from a licensed healthcare provider. If you are feeling stuck, we urge you to seek the advice of a qualified counselor or coach befo

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.

Speaker 2: 0:30

Today's episode is brought to you by our new podcast series, a Week of Stories to Fortify your Faith. This series brings you intimate and inspiring stories from people who've witnessed God's power and grace in their lives here, from Anna McLaughlin, angie and Matt Bauman and others who have guested on the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast and get introduced to David and Tracy Sellers. Each episode is a testament to the transformative power of faith, offering a glimpse into the lives of our guests and how God used their relationship with their spouse to shape and inspire them. Join us for a week of stories that will strengthen your belief and inspire your faith journey. Click on the link in the show notes and get this exclusive podcast series only in your inbox.

Speaker 1: 1:16

Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis. We are excited to have you with us today, as today we are going to look at the care cycle, and it's going to be a really, really wonderful opportunity to see some things that you can do right now that'll help you get out of the crazy cycle we talked about last week.

Speaker 2: 1:36

Yeah, that's. The main purpose of a care cycle is to stop the reactive cycle and give you the tools that it takes to be productive in that communication.

Speaker 1: 1:49

And I'm always on board for tools.

Speaker 2: 1:51

Yeah, tim, the tool man Taylor.

Speaker 1: 1:57

And so, with the care cycle, what we've got is we've got some things that you can do right now. That'll help you because, if you'll remember, it's important for us to remember this In the reactive cycle, when someone's upset and they say things that they know will push the right buttons or the wrong buttons, however you want to look at it we start to react to what's going on. We hurt one another, it escalates, it snowballs. We don't really resolve anything and in the process, we find ourselves going back over and over and over and over again into a pattern that we don't like, but we don't necessarily know how to stop. Well, these are some things that will help you learn how to stop that reactive cycle and replace it with something better.

Speaker 2: 2:37

But first let's give credit where credit is due. The care cycle and the reactive cycle comes from the focus on the family and specifically Robert Paul, who wrote the nine lies that ruin our marriage, and he also wrote some clinical books that help counselors, that marriage counselors, in relation to the crazy cycle. Well, they call it the reactive cycle and the care cycle.

Speaker 1: 3:09

And so, through the process, we want to thank Mr Paul, and not only for the information that he's provided, but also for the fact that he wants people to use this and wants people to plug this in and start using it in their lives, so he wants it to be taught. We're grateful for that.

Speaker 2: 3:24

Yes, we are very grateful for that. I had the opportunity of meeting him at the American Association of Christian Counselors Conference this last September. Dynamic person, amazing counselor, and I was excited to get my hands on this material. It really was.

Speaker 1: 3:40

And so, as we look at the care cycle, we talked about one of the reasons it's so important it helps you stop the reactive cycle. But what are some of the other reasons why the care cycle can be so important for couples?

Speaker 2: 3:51

Well, we know that people in relationship that have a higher emotional intelligence often connect on a more solid basis with their spouse, so one of the things that the care cycle does is help you be able to process what you feel and like. From a counselor standpoint, that's what we would call having a higher emotional intelligence, and the higher the emotional intelligence, the more successful you are in your relationships.

Speaker 1: 4:21

But I don't want any of you to be concerned just because Leslie said it helps you process the way you feel. I know sometimes you're not really sure how you feel. That part of what this will do is it'll help you with that. It doesn't mean that you need to feel things in such an expressive way that you start to explain them the same way your spouse explains them, but it'll help you examine them so that you can get it out and be able to share the things that you are feeling, even if you're not aware of what you're feeling.

Speaker 2: 4:49

And the other thing that the care cycle does is it helps you move forward with your spouse in a productive way. We saw the last episode. We were talking about the reactive cycle, and the reactive cycle is so destructive because it is nothing. But I'm going to push your buttons because you've just pushed my buttons and it's just a cycle of reactivity as opposed to a cycle of productivity.

Speaker 1: 5:14

Right Saying things and doing things that aren't helpful at all. Once you've said certain things, trying to take that back is kind of like trying to put toothpaste back in a tube, and you're not going to have much success with that.

Speaker 2: 5:25

Yeah, it doesn't work. So that's why the care cycle is important, because it helps you connect better with your spouse, it helps you move forward in a productive way with your spouse and, most importantly, it helps stop the reactive cycle.

Speaker 1: 5:39

And Robert Paul has put together this cycle in such a way that all five of the steps start with the letter A so that you can remember them. And so we do want to make sure that you know. Check out the information. I know that Leslie will attach some of the information in the show notes, but again, all of these start with the letter A so that they're easier for you to remember them, because in the midst of what you're going through, when you're frustrated, you need every advantage you can to try to remember what's a better alternative.

Speaker 2: 6:09

You know I'm gonna jump in here too, because one of the books just wasn't authored just by Robert Paul, so Robert Burby and Christine Arnson, and so this is the book that was written for clinicians and so. But if you can find anything from Focus on the Family that is about the restoring hope process, this is going to be in that material and it is really really, really good.

Speaker 1: 6:37

And it's on Focus on the Family's website.

Speaker 2: 6:39

Yes, yes, and so it's good stuff. It is really good stuff. So, as we go through this, I want to encourage you if you have any questions for us that you'd like to ask and get a quick turnaround on the answer, go to our website, heartcallministriesorg, go to the podcast page and at the bottom right hand corner there's this little red button that says Ask Us a Question, and that is like. That's like a text message directly to us. If you would put your question there, we would love to be able to answer it and get back to you as soon as we can. You know, I thought about the care cycle and I had to laugh, because you know our listeners. You guys know that Doug is a pastor, specifically a Southern Baptist pastor, and it cracked me up that you know, one of the things in the Southern Baptist, historically in the tradition, is alliterating everything.

Speaker 1: 7:29

Right, we've got five alliterated points.

Speaker 2: 7:31

Yes, and that just cracks me up.

Speaker 1: 7:32

Followed by a potluck.

Speaker 2: 7:34

Yeah Well, we don't have this episode followed up by a potluck, but we do have five alliterated points.

Speaker 1: 7:42

So let's go ahead and jump in. What's the first point?

Speaker 2: 7:44

The first point is aware. When you are trying to break the reactive cycle and move into the care cycle, the first thing to do is to be aware that you are feeling something Right. It could be a response, it could be a physical response. It could be like your heart is pounding or your face is turning red or your palms are sweating. You know that might be a sign of being angry, you know, but a lot of times our physical responses are attached to an emotional reaction.

Speaker 1: 8:16

And something that Leslie has shared multiple times. I'm really grateful that she shares this with you all. But, if you'll remember, leslie has shared with you that a lot of times what comes out as anger is not really what's causing the reaction. The anger can be a secondary emotion, because you're feeling frustration and it comes out as anger. Or you're feeling helpless and it comes out as anger. You're feeling afraid and it comes out as anger. And so the first step to be aware, learn to be aware that you're feeling something. And just a reminder what you think you're feeling because of the way you're reacting needs to be analyzed Because, again, if I'm responding with anger, it might be because I feel helpless. If I'm responding with anger, it might be because I feel like I'm being attacked, or it might be because I feel like I'm afraid because I don't know what the end result will be.

Speaker 2: 9:11

So let's break those down just a little bit for our listeners. If you are feeling, if it's coming out as anger and you're feeling frustrated, the feeling of frustration is because somebody is stopping you from doing what you want to do, so that brings out a feeling of frustration. You can't move forward, you're being stopped, so that brings out a frustration. If it's a feeling of hopelessness or helplessness, you said helplessness. Helplessness. That is a feeling of I don't have tools to do anything about this situation.

Speaker 1: 9:43

Or I don't have answers. I, yeah, feel incapable.

Speaker 2: 9:47

Right, so there's a helpless feeling. If you're feeling afraid, or fear that is, how would you describe that A feeling of I don't know what's going to happen next. So therefore, I don't want to push into the relationship or into the communication or whatever, because I don't know what's going to happen next.

Speaker 1: 10:06

Or the circumstance or the conversation may be triggering something from your past where you were afraid then. And there's so many different things and you know. So, as you look at what you're feeling first, just learn to be aware that you're feeling something. Yeah, then take the time to try to give yourself some time. Give yourself time to be able to find clarity on what you're really being motivated by, because, again, if I feel like I need to defend myself, it can come out in some kind of a verbal attack, but maybe what I'm feeling is that I'm being attacked. So you know. But to my wife it might, you know, she might look at what I'm doing and look at the criticism and not see the heart where I feel like I'm being attacked. Let's go ahead and take a time out here.

Speaker 1: 10:56

Each of you has some gifts that are not only your biggest gift, but they're your biggest weakness, because there's certain things that you demonstrate regularly. It's what your spouse loves about you. Now, for example, one of the things that I am just wired to do I can't help it, I really can't help it. I'm kind of glad for that is that I fix things. I'm not only, you know, the fairly stereotypical guy, but I'm the oldest of five kids, so I fix things.

Speaker 1: 11:25

I'm the problem solver, I'm the one that's got the answer. I've got the solution. I make it better. And so if there's a situation going on with my wife, who I love so dearly, and I don't know how to fix it, it could come out as anger when the reality is there's this vulnerability that I feel like I can't do what I've been made to do and it causes me pain. All she sees is the verbal attack, all she sees is the anger when the reality is there's a vulnerability that I can't even put words to at first, perhaps, but I need to be aware that I'm feeling something and I need to give myself space to be able to find clarity on what it is that I'm really feeling.

Speaker 2: 12:05

And to be able to think objectively about that. I mean, you unpack that really really well, very objectively Now, subjectively, like you were still attached to those emotions.

Speaker 1: 12:14

But that's 34 years of practice at doing it badly first.

Speaker 2: 12:17

Not badly. Not badly. So, when you become aware that you're feeling something, you want to be able to give yourself space to find clarity and you also want to be able to move to a place where you can work objectively instead of subjectively, which means you can work in that space without or press into that space, without being attached to all of the negative emotions that's coming out.

Speaker 1: 12:41

And so that's the first thing be aware and remember to get clarity, Find out what you're really feeling, not just the way it's coming out. So what's the second step?

Speaker 2: 12:50

The second step is to accept. You accept what you're feeling. A lot of times when we feel something, we're projecting that onto our spouse or where we are holding our spouse accountable for fixing how we feel. So the second step is to accept that you're feeling something and then it's your job to take care of it. You accept responsibility for your own feelings. It's not your spouse's job to fix it. It's not their responsibility to take care of it. It is your responsibility.

Speaker 1: 13:29

Right, and so there's really two parts to that. First of all, accept what it is that you are feeling, but secondly and I love the way Leslie just put this accept that it's your job to be responsible to care for it. You're responsible and you're accountable for what you're feeling. Now that sounds like something would be obvious, but what we often do, especially in our marriage, is we think that I'm wounded, so it's my spouse's job to heal that wound. That will lead you back into a reactive cycle. That's not healthy. You need to understand that it's your job, first of all, to realize that the wound that I'm feeling is something that I need to be aware of and I need to open it up to be able to be healed. Now the next step is going to show that you can get some help, but it has to start with you. It can't start with your spouse doing it for you.

Speaker 2: 14:20

I think that's what I was going to say. If you put that responsibility onto your spouse to fix how you're feeling, you are not leaving room in your life for God to do the work that he wants to do in your life. You right.

Speaker 1: 14:37

Because of the accepting it and because of what I just shared, I do want to look at the third step. The third step is to allow, and it's another two-step process. Most obviously, we need to allow God into the process so that he can do in you what he wants to do. So, if you realize, I'm not in this by myself, but then you can also allow your spouse or allow someone else, allow others, if needed, to come alongside and help you, and in your marriage relationship that's often going to be your spouse. But I want to make sure we're clear on these two. With accept and allow, your spouse can't start the process of saying I'm going to bring healing to your wound. You have to accept that you're wounded, accept how you felt, accept that you're responsible first and allow God in first. Then you can allow your spouse in, to come alongside you and you'll see a blessing.

Speaker 2: 15:28

And I think some of our listeners are probably in a place where they don't have enough safety built into their relationship to where their spouse would be the one to come in and heal to heal that.

Speaker 1: 15:41

Right, and it's absolutely okay. In the meantime, there's someone else that God's provided for you in that position.

Speaker 2: 15:47

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 15:49

And it may be a kind of braggart, or it may be a counselor, like Leslie. It might be the pastor of your church. I get that opportunity a lot. It might be a friend that God's given to you, and often what you'll find is it's a friend who either can understand what you're currently feeling or it's a friend who can share what God's done, as God came alongside them and I don't want to put God in a box. It's not always one of those two, but often it's one of those two where either somebody who actually has felt some of the things you're feeling or somebody who can say here's what God did for me and it'll encourage you.

Speaker 2: 16:21

But I want to put it just a quick caveat right there too Work just around yourself with people who will tell you the truth, because if you I know us girl let's go friends like we're bad about getting people around us that tell us what we want to hear, and if we're in the mode of husband bashing which I would never suggest that Then you've got some girlfriends that are you know, that are encouraging that, and that is never going to solidify your relationship. So I'd say, just be careful, the people who you bring in around you, and make sure that the you know the people. If they're not trained therapists or counselors, you know. Make sure that they are the ones who are scripturally going to tell you the truth, that they're going to encourage you, that they're going to pray for you, that that it's gonna be a healthy, solid, mentor relationship there somebody who loves the Lord and loves you and is a truth teller.

Speaker 1: 17:16

Yeah that's, that's what you're looking for. And, gentlemen, it's not just the, the ladies that need to be really careful that they surround themselves with the right people, because you, you know that you can easily surround yourself with friends who are going to be on your side, and they're gonna talk about women, am I right? You don't need any of that. What you need is somebody who's going to come alongside you, love the Lord enough to share his word, love you enough to tell you the truth, and you know so it's. It's never a good idea to find people who are going to bash your opponent To try to make you feel better, because all that's going to do is put you back into a reactive cycle. This care cycles are so much better than absolutely.

Speaker 2: 17:57

The next step is to attend, and you know, of course, we say attend, attend, attend to the truth, because the truth is what will set you free, and so more on that well. I Don't know how to elaborate on that. You're like that's pretty simple straightforward.

Speaker 1: 18:16

As you look at attending to the truth, it's. It's really the the first. It's the first step in this process when you start to unpack, because when you're making yourself aware, you're asking for clarity, okay, and you're accepting that it's your responsibility and that you're the one who's responsible for it. You're the one who has to care for the wound, and then you allow God in and you allow others in as you're able. Now it's time to really start the unpacking, and so attending to it means Don't just recognize what's going on but start asking why start asking questions that will allow you to do something Healthy about it.

Speaker 1: 18:54

Now anybody can do something about it, okay, but you need to start asking questions so that you know what's going to be the healthy things to do about it.

Speaker 2: 19:02

Like why am I feeling like this? Or why was my reaction to this? You know, anger or Frustration, or sadness, or right. You know Right and some of the other questions, well, you know some of the questions you can ask her.

Speaker 1: 19:17

Where's this feeling coming from? Is this a one-time thing or is this a pattern in my life? Is this something that's based on a previous experience? Is is this because of the added Combination of weights that I'm going through right now? Because and I'll just stop there for a minute you know that sometimes there's things that are a pattern in your relationship.

Speaker 1: 19:37

You find yourself going over and over and over again, identifying that that's what's going on, as helpful as you attend to it. But maybe this is the first time you've ever had a reaction like this and you really don't know what's going on. And as you start to attend to it and unpack it, you realize oh, this was just a last straw event. I've had six other things that have happened this week that kept weighing me down and making things so heavy that this was where it Finally caused me to blow up. But regardless of what you learn through this process, as you start to attend to the truth, start asking questions Am I believing something that's not true? Is this something that I? That's a learned behavior? Is this something that is because of the other events in my life? Is this a pattern that I see?

Speaker 2: 20:23

or is it a consequence of a Stressful day?

Speaker 2: 20:28

and I didn't have anything to do really with the situation of what happened. You know. I want to share with you listeners a beautiful prayer that was written by the authors of Restoring Hope. I'm going to post that in the Show notes so that you can. You can read it, but, as you're attending to the truth, this is one of those ways to invite the Lord into this process, which is exactly what we want. We don't want to go through this process alone and Knowing that the Lord will provide Truth and he'll provide the things that you need.

Speaker 1: 21:07

As you're in this care cycle and working on, you know, taking responsibility for your own cycle right here right and you know, as you're attending, one of the other things that's going to be really important for you to look at is you keep revisiting what God's taught you in the other, the other steps. Here's what I mean by that. You're aware of how you feel. You've asked God to give you clarity about what's really going on. That's where you start asking the questions about what's really going on. You've accepted that it's your responsibility, but maybe now you need to ask am I doing something right now that's Magnifying this? Am I turning the volume up on this situation where my spouse is probably wondering what in the world's going on? Your reaction was not in proportion to what's going on.

Speaker 1: 21:57

I want to interject here, because if you hear yourself saying, if you had done this or if you had done that, you're probably doing exactly what right just described and so, as you remember what God's showing you through those other parts of the cycle, it'll help you attend in a way that will be productive, because the the last of the five steps is where we get to see some really good, productive things be able to happen.

Speaker 2: 22:23

So, when you get to the last step, the last step is act, and it is a choose to respond instead of react. And that's what gets you out of the reactive cycle is because you now have a process to where you can choose to react or choose to respond to the situation in a way that's productive and that's based on your goals for that situation.

Speaker 1: 22:49

And that's going to be key. I want to strongly encourage you. Let God teach you through those first four steps of this cycle and if you don't think you have answers to what you need to do, because, as you're attending to the truth, you don't really know yet it's don't don't act just because it's the next step. You're just going through the motions. Instead, once you're able to say I know what the goal is, my goal, when something happens like happened right now, when I feel the way I've been feeling this is the goal on what I want the outcome to be, that's when you know you're ready to act.

Speaker 2: 23:26

Some of those questions or some of those goals. Now, mind you, there's hundreds of them, depending on your situation, your background, the things that you need, but here are a couple that we see often. I know focus on the family has seen them often because they've listed them.

Speaker 2: 23:43

But, one of the goals is what is? What response do I have that will move me closer to my spouse? You know, I think we all desire to have a deeper closeness with our spouse. So as you're going through the care cycle, you can ask yourself when it's time to act, when it's time to respond. Then how do I need to respond in order to solidify that relationship or to move closer to my spouse? Another one is how do I practice having good self-regulation? We talked in the beginning about emotionally mature people, and this is one of the ways that you become emotionally mature is when you begin to take responsibility for your own emotions. And so you're in this care cycle and the goal may be okay. I want to take responsibility for my own self-regulation, or my own emotions that are in it.

Speaker 2: 24:45

One of the other ones is how can I communicate productive boundaries that will facilitate safety in this relationship? If you're feeling unsafe, emotionally unsafe in the reactive cycle, then your care cycle goal may be to facilitate healthy boundaries that ensure safety.

Speaker 1: 25:08

Right, and the reason that that's so significant.

Speaker 1: 25:10

the reactive cycle that we talked about last week can close couples off so quickly because you know once again, here, it is again and I'm hurt again and they did this to me again and they said this to me again where the whole concept of the care cycle is to reopen those hearts and to be able to do things. Where, with your heart reopened, you're able to productively find a better way. Conflict is inevitable. It's gonna happen. It doesn't matter how great your marriage is we're blessed, we've got a great marriage Conflict is inevitable. It's going to happen. It doesn't matter whether you've been married a year, 30 years, 50 years. You're going to have conflict. The question is in the midst of the conflict, are you going to react or are you going to respond? Are you going to choose that cycle that closes you off or a cycle that allows you to reopen your hearts to one another, and that's a good question.

Speaker 2: 26:12

That's a good relationship goal because we all have the reactive cycle.

Speaker 2: 26:16

You know I mean, everybody has been in the reactive cycle. You know we get on autopilot and we can get in. Even even the most solid of spouses in marriages can get into the reactive cycle. You know, if they're on autopilot and they're just, you know, going through their day and maybe something triggers them and they take it out on their spouse and then their spouse is triggered and whatever. But if you're aware that you can have the tools to avoid the reactive cycle because you have a care cycle process, you know you have a game plan, so to speak, for what happens when you get into a reactive cycle, and it doesn't matter who started the reactive cycle. If you have a care cycle plan, then you can stop the reactive cycle.

Speaker 1: 27:04

So I shared with you about a closed heart or an open heart. We see the benefit and the beauty of that. Let me share with you the other part. For those of you who may be feeling like I've just done this for so long and I'm not sure we can change, let me give you the encouragement. When you feel like you're stuck in hopelessness, it's a hard, hard place to be. I'm just telling you right now that you can approach the conflicts you'll face with actual hope, because in the midst of it it doesn't mean the conflict won't start. The conflict will start. But instead of when the conflict starts, thinking oh great, here it goes again and feeling like there's no hope, you can realize I need to become aware of what's going on. I need to accept. You know my heart is wounded and it's my job to care for it. I need to allow God in and allow others in if it's necessary.

Speaker 2: 27:52

And that's the key right there.

Speaker 1: 27:53

I need to absolutely I need to attend to what's truly going on, asking some questions so that I can act in a way that will open my heart back up to my spouse. Here's what that does Even if you haven't done it yet, but you now know that it exists In the midst of the conflict, it gives you legitimate hope that's based on truth. You don't have to stay closed off to one another. God's got a better plan for you to reopen your heart.

Speaker 2: 28:18

And all you have to do is invite Him into that plan, yep.

Speaker 1: 28:21

And so, again, that's the care cycle. We're going to have stuff in the show notes that you can find out about it. You can go to Focus on the family's website. You can check out Restoring Hope. It's really good stuff. We are Doug and Leslie Davis. This is the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast, and we continue to pray that God will survive your marriage.