The Best of The Vision-Driven Marriage 2023: Compilation Episode
Dec 29, 2023Episode 53
Doug & Leslie Davis
Welcome, dear listeners, to a special episode of The Vision-Driven Marriage podcast! Today we're diving into the heartwarming and inspiring moments that have defined our journey so far. It's a celebration of love, growth, and the pursuit of a biblically inspired, vision-driven, intentional marriage.
Over the course of our podcasting journey, we've been privileged to hear from incredible couples who have embraced God’s design for marriage. Today, we've curated a collection of the most impactful conversations, insightful anecdotes, and practical wisdom that will reignite the spark in your own relationship.
From navigating challenges to celebrating victories, our guests have generously shared their experiences, reminding us that a vision-driven marriage is not just a destination but a continuous, intentional journey.
Whether you're a newlywed or celebrating decades of companionship, this compilation is a treasure trove of wisdom and inspiration. So, grab your favorite beverage, find a cozy spot, and join us as we relive the best moments from The Vision-Driven Marriage podcast.
Welcome, dear listeners, to a special episode of The Vision-Driven Marriage podcast! Today we're diving into the heartwarming and inspiring moments that have defined our journey so far. It's a celebration of love, growth, and the pursuit of a biblically inspired, vision-driven, intentional marriage.
Over the course of our podcasting journey, we've been privileged to hear from incredible couples who have embraced God’s design for marriage. Today, we've curated a collection of the most impactful conversations, insightful anecdotes, and practical wisdom that will reignite the spark in your own relationship.
From navigating challenges to celebrating victories, our guests have generously shared their experiences, reminding us that a vision-driven marriage is not just a destination but a continuous, intentional journey.
Whether you're a newlywed or celebrating decades of companionship, this compilation is a treasure trove of wisdom and inspiration. So, grab your favorite beverage, find a cozy spot, and join us as we relive the best moments from The Vision-Driven Marriage podcast.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 3:
Welcome, dear listeners, to a special episode of the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. We're your hosts, doug and Leslie Davis, and today we're diving into the heartwarming and inspiring moments that have defined our journey so far. We are celebrating one full year of the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast, and it's a celebration of love and growth and the pursuit of biblically inspired, vision Driven, intentional marriage. Over the course of our podcasting journey, we've been privileged to hear from incredible couples that have embraced God's design for marriage. Today, we've curated a collection of the most impactful conversations, insightful antidotes and practical wisdom that will reignite the spark in your relationship.
Speaker 3:
From navigating challenges to celebrating victories, our guests have generously shared their experiences, reminding us that a Vision Driven Marriage is not just a destination but a continuous intentional journey. Whether you are a newlywed or celebrating decades of companionship, this compilation is a treasure trove of wisdom and inspiration. So grab your favorite beverage, find a cozy spot and join us as we relive the best moments from the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. First up in the compilation is Rick and Nora Tatina. They first joined us in episode 6, entitled Looking at Marriage Through a Biblical Lens. Rick and Nora share a personal story of how God used attitudes to bring them closer to each other and closer to Jesus.
Speaker 2:
As God starts to explain his purpose for marriage, and especially when you look not only in Genesis, but then when it's referenced again in Ephesians, chapter 5, you know we're told that for this reason, a man will leave his mother and father and cling only to his own wife, and the two will become one flesh, and that whole concept of one flesh is something that I don't think people understand enough, and so the real question would be how does unity play a part in your marriage?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, one of the things that we often tell each other. Rick will remind me. He'll be like honey, we're on the same team. We're on the same team. And that always kind of just redirects my I guess you could say emotional state, because a lot of times I will be in some kind of we'll say family disagreement and the first thing is I'm always trying to be defensive or I'm like, oh, you just not listening to me, you're not understanding me. And then I'll say, hey, we're on the same team.
Speaker 1:
And I think that when you just keep reminding yourself that God has brought you together for a purpose and that he is the one that's leading you and not just like you know he's leading you, but his authority is what's important here, and I often, you know, tell Rick, it's you know. He kind of helps me remember that if I trust that Rick is being led by God, then I can follow him right. And so just knowing that Rick is not my enemy, sometimes I look at him like, oh, you just don't want this for me, and it's like, no, he's not my enemy, he's, we're on the same team, God has brought us together and if God is leading him, I can trust that the God who's leading him is also leading me, and just seeing God as that authority and then Rick under his authority, so that helps. And then the other thing is I wrote this out is don't always try to serve your rights. And this is a hard one because our culture tells us all the time like I'm a woman, I have the right to do this, I have the right to that, or Rick feels, or men, you have the right to speak this way, or because you're the head of the house, and so it's just having this, this mindset of you know what. I don't have to serve my right here. I can humble myself. I can, you know, listen to what my husband needs or what you know what, what I need, and just be in a place of humility and not trying to always be right, not trying to always be, you know, at this position of like. Well, this is my right and you've got to do what I'm saying because this is my right.
Speaker 1:
I remember a couple years ago this is maybe four or five years ago I was at a marriage I guess bridal shower, and the pastor had said this to the couple of married. He said in marriage, no matter what is going on. You be the first one to run to the cross, you be the first one to run to the cross, and that that has really disrupted me.
Speaker 1:
And when it comes to unity, I feel like the one thing that the enemy uses to bring disunity is to, when you harbor unforgiveness and bitterness. Right the moment that I get married, rick, and the moment that I, you know, begin to feel bitter bitterness towards him, or resentment builds up or I don't want to forgive him, then you use that to separate us. You use that, you know, and it doesn't have to be physical separation, it can be a heart separation, right and so. But if I'm always living in the place of humility, if I'm always and he's always, we're both at the cross, we're both being the, we're trying to beat each other to the cross, running towards the cross, we're running towards Jesus. I feel like that's what brings us closer together, that's what unites. Unity is because we live in a posture of humility.
Speaker 3:
Next is Heather Erdman, who was our inaugural interview on the Vision-Driven Marriage podcast. We are so thankful for Heather, as she patiently walked with us through our podcast learning curve. Her episode entitled Loving your Spouse the Way Christ Loves the Church was our second podcast drop, second only to the trailer.
Speaker 2:
One of the things that really spoke to me was the chapter where you shared that we are supposed to love our spouse the way Jesus loved the church. How do we apply that to our marriage?
Speaker 6:
Wow. Well, there's just so many practical ways, and that's what got me started in thinking If our marriages are supposed to represent the gospel and how Jesus loved us as his church, the believers, how does that look in practical terms? And then how could we take those concepts and apply them to our real-life marriages here on earth? First of all, he made a binding commitment to us when he made us his own through the promises of his word, that when we come to him in repentance and faith, he promises us we are now his eternity. So we can trust him because he always has and always will keep his promises.
Speaker 6:
So number one is faithfully. He loves us faithfully, and that should be number one in our marriages too that we always keep that promise that we made to one another to be faithfully committed for a lifetime. And he also loves us with grace and forgiveness, which he demonstrated on the cross, because he forgives us. We're then empowered to forgive our spouses when they sin against us, and he communicates with us because he loves us. He does this through his word and prayer, and that shows us that we should develop healthy communication and marriage as well. But I think the most underlying way that he loves us is sacrificially. He puts our needs, with our biggest being, forgiveness and salvation, ahead of all of his, and he demonstrated a servant's heart so much that he laid down his life for us, for our good and our salvation. So I think when we demonstrate that kind of sacrificial love with each other in marriage, a lot of the other areas are automatically taken care of as well.
Speaker 3:
Next up is Jim and Mindy Bradford from episode number 19. Mindy explains how she sees her role in Jim's leadership and Jim shares how he honors Mindy's role as his wife. Their episode, Biblical Masculinity, aired on May 5th 2023.
Speaker 7:
Well, I just love being there. We're a team, we work as a team and everything we do. It's just started that way when we first got married and it's just continued to grow and blossom through that. But I support him in his work, he supports me in my work, which is now doing this you know writing and things and we just work collaboratively. I allow him to be the leader of our home. We do talk about things, we have dialogue, we express our own thoughts and opinions, but ultimately I do submit to him as the leader of our home, one of our family. I feel like that is my role. I don't lay down like a doormat necessarily, but I just feel like it's important that we are collaborative.
Speaker 8:
Her level of trust let me give a real-life example makes me want to love her and lead the way Christ went. The hurricane. The hurricane came through here and you know it was what do we do? Do we stay illegal? I've lived in Florida my whole life. I don't evacuate, I'm a free. Hurricanes don't scare me. Well, now we're married and we're talking about it. It's like what do you think we should do? What should we do? And my first inclination was we're staying. I've been through a million years. However, that little voice inside, especially after penning the book, you know, and she goes you make the call. I trust you. Now that's a big call. I said we're out, we evacuated, thank God. The neighbors' estate were traumatized, literally afraid for their life.
Speaker 8:
But, that being said, the impetus was what we're talking about. She supports my role, but then I hold that so humbly and loosely because she is God's daughter. You know, paul tells us to submit one to another. That verse kind of gets lost in the shuffle sometimes and it is very, very often that when she'll share her perspective I will yield, because I trust her wisdom. I know my own weaknesses and I will never demand my own way. If we're not in agreement, it gets shelved. Because 1 Corinthians 13 says love does not demand its own way. So soon as there's a man and I share this with men, especially on the interdiction issue I challenge them. As soon as you're trying to demand your own way, you're not walking to love, you just disqualify yourself from loving little winshees to the church. So I don't want to get all hard to preach and mess with it. That's really near and dear to my heart.
Speaker 3:
Many of the interviews were candid, transparent looks at marriage struggles. This was no different for Brenna and Garrett Noffle. In their episode that dropped on September 1st, they share how the Lord worked to help them overcome the struggles of pornography and infidelity to redeem their marriage.
Speaker 9:
So in 2009, like I said, eight years into my on and off again affair with pornography, I was sitting in a restaurant waiting to meet a guy right across the campus from the University of Missouri, and I was reading my Bible and I just sensed very clearly in my spirit just the word of the Lord coming to me and saying this is enough, this can no longer be. You cannot say that you're following me. You cannot say you're going to serve my church and my people and alone, try to lead and want to be a pastor, but I'm at this point in a pastoral role yet not ordained yet, and continue in this. You are not in keeping with my way. You're not experiencing life. This has just been death, and so it was both the like I mean to use the cliche. It was a very much a come to Jesus moment. It was very much like who are you gonna serve? And today is the day. Life and death is before you. What are you gonna choose? You know, I think all the way back to Deuteronomy, when the Lord puts up before his people. Right, and it's not the only time, by any means, but for me that was that day, and so I just broke down sitting there waiting to meet this guy that I was reaching out to and started blowing and I knew it was like okay, as soon as I get home, this has to all be out there. This has to be confessed. This cannot be any longer and, by God's grace, that's what happened. You know, I went home from campus. I just confessed that, brenna, this is what's been going on. This is for how long. We can talk about the details as much as you want to. I will answer anything.
Speaker 9:
I recognize I need to flee from this. I need to fully repent. Here's access to all my devices. You know all the things to just be in the light, right, to just live in a way where, because I remember as I'm talking with Jesus and I'm praying in that restaurant, I'm sure people around me thought I was crazy, because I'm just sitting there crying and seemingly talking to myself and I remember just as I'm interacting with Jesus, they're just remember, very clearly hearing if I step in the light.
Speaker 9:
What I'm doing is I'm saying you are trustworthy, jesus, so you will do that. What you say you will do, you will redeem. I have no idea how this is gonna happen. I have no idea if my wife is gonna hate me forever, divorce me Like I don't know. I really don't know, but I believe, lord, that being in the light with this and being with you in this will ultimately bring healing, restoration, the things that I really am longing for, the contentment and satisfaction of my heart and what's best for my wife and my family. You will do that. I don't know how it's gonna happen, but I trust that, if I quote unquote, risk this, that it's really not much of a risk, that you're trustworthy of this and so in today's culture that's particularly difficult to be, that vulnerable we're supposed to be and we're supposed to humble ourselves.
Speaker 2:
But we live in a culture of shame right now. We don't call it a shame culture, we call it a cancel culture. But we live in a culture right now where if you do something, the bulk of society says isn't okay, they're going to completely shun you, and so the fear of having somebody like your spouse, reject you during that time is very real. I know a lot of our listeners right now are thinking you know, I can relate to what's been shared. I'm struggling with pornography, but and I know that I need to stop this but they're so afraid because of the shame, they're so afraid to tell their spouse. And so you know that's a step that I loved, what you shared, that God showed you that he was trustworthy, because that's the only thing. You know, the shame that we feel is something that's real, that has to be overcome, but the grace that God gives is real as well, and it will overcome it. That was great. So what was going on with you at the time, brenna?
Speaker 5:
Yeah. So Garrett shared this. Meanwhile, as I've shared, I'm still hiding my own incredible sinful life, and so when he shared it, there was a couple of things that I felt. I felt relief and gratefulness in a way, because I felt like that explained some of this emotional distance that I had felt for so long, even before I started engaging in an affair, having been entangled in sin for so long. I was happy for him to step into the light and hopefully break free from that, because I knew what a how much death that had caused in my own life of being entangled in my own sin and not wanting to do the things that I was doing. And so there was those feelings and at the same time, I didn't feel like I had the right or even the ability to really grieve or feel the hurt from what he had confessed, because I was hiding my own stuff. Like how can I feel those things when I've been doing what I have been doing? And so I feel like we moved past it fairly quickly.
Speaker 5:
I'm pretty sure I extended forgiveness that night and I did. I felt like I truly did forgive you. At the same time, I didn't take the time to really process it and grieve it and ask questions and really think about the impact of what had been done At the time. At that time, and so you would think, at this time would be the perfect opportunity for me to confess my stuff. And it was, but I didn't do it. I was also.
Speaker 9:
So this was February of 2009 when I confessed her.
Speaker 5:
Yes, and so I am still definitely afraid. I felt like that past December, so a couple of months before. I felt like I was done, like I'm not doing this anymore. I was living more straight in my real, like I was doing things in my own strength. I still hadn't really truly confessed, so there's probably part of that too. Like well, okay, I've gotten past my thing, but yet I was continually being sucked back into this affair and this relationship as well, and so I didn't confess at the time.
Speaker 5:
And so, about three months after Garrett confessed to me, I actually was confronted by a previous coworker of mine that had heard rumors about me having an affair, because it was with another man that I worked with, and he confronted me. He had his own stuff going on his life. I there's lots of things that kind of maybe question why he was confronting me the way he was, but God was certainly using that to say okay, now it's your turn, now is the time. No more hiding, no more. You know none of this either, and so I'm grateful for that, because there was always something else where I could do it on my own. I just was afraid you know, because certainly you know same thing Like how would Garrett respond? Would he hate me forever? What would we get to forth? Like you're afraid of all of the consequences you know that are very real to your sin that you haven't had to deal with yet until now.
Speaker 5:
And so he confronted me. He said either you tell your husband or I do. And I said I will tell him. But I was kind of the breadwinner. This was my job, this was our insurance. You know, our other co-pastors were going out of town in a couple of weeks. I was supposed to leave to Italy with my mom the next week, but there was all the reasons to not tell him yet.
Speaker 5:
And but by God's grace again, even though it's certainly not the way I would have wanted him to find out this man didn't allow any more time and he called Garrett, probably about five days or so after he had confronted me, and called Garrett and said basically, do you know? This is what your wife is doing. And so that is how my sin came into the light. And so he called me at work after getting that phone call and said you need to come home, we need to talk. I certainly suspected what I thought that was going to be about and I walked in our living room and he sat me down at the couch. He said I have to ask you something and he almost seemed Like like even asking this question felt like ridiculous like how would I have?
Speaker 5:
to ask you this question.
Speaker 9:
Like there's no possibility in my mind, but it was true. It was true, yeah.
Speaker 5:
And so that was kind of how he asked it and that broke my heart too, and but he asked it, you know, is this true? And I said yes, it is. And and so from there, everything's in the light. We called one of our other pastors over just to be a support and they asked a lot more questions and I answered them all truthfully. I was committed to answering them truthfully and I felt, even though there was still so much guilt and shame and sorrow and just brokenness over all of the hurt that I had caused and all of the things that I had done. I also, in that same moment, felt incredible peace and freedom and Joy because I was finally finally Breaking free from the sin that had entangled me for so long and was causing so much death. But I could Feel at times the Holy Spirit grieve within me.
Speaker 3:
Well, one of the things that I heard you mention is that there there were lies that were believed that you know through. You know up to this point that you guys were believing lies about about your relationship, about each other, about yourselves like how, what were those lies and how did how did that play out in leaving your relationship vulnerable to an affair yeah, I know, I should just say affairs, because technically, both of you were having a fair right. Yeah, yeah, so how, how tell us about those lies that you believed in, how that undermined your relationship?
Speaker 5:
Sure, yeah, I. There's kind of two levels of this right. So some of it I wasn't. Obviously I wasn't aware of all of these being lies at the time, like that's kind of if you know what the deceiver does, like you just right think these things and you think you take the nice truth almost, and so that's why they're lie. But I had begun to believe that this is just who I am. That was Satan's biggest lie to me. This is just who you are. There is no way God will ever take you back. You have sinned far too great for far too long. He will not forgive you. There is no hope, you know. So that's kind of the lies Surrounding the affair.
Speaker 5:
And me even just starting to believe like this is just who I am, you know, and by God's grace you know in the aftermath of this really was like no, I get to say who you are and and Then? But then going back kind of in our healing journey journey I went, was able to go back even to like childhood wounds and just core beliefs that had Developed that you're, again, not really aware of. But because of your experiences or because of you know Just the things you've gone through you start to believe these things in your heart, but you're, they're just, they're not. You're not Conscious about them. And so, for me, I think, coming out of my parents, divorce and some of my experiences, my deeper core beliefs were I was not wanted, I am not worth fighting for, I am either too much or I'm not enough. You know, some of those kind of beliefs that we were able to really identify and I'm a burden.
Speaker 3:
That's probably my biggest one is that I'm just a burden so all of those lies would make it very, very scary to come home and say you know, this is, this is what's been going on, because when, when you're believing that, then you're expecting Garrett's reaction to be in line with those beliefs. Sure.
Speaker 5:
Yeah, and I'm gonna fight for me. I'm not worth it. You know, like there is no forgiveness, all those things, sure.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, but that's not what God had planned. No.
Speaker 5:
So I don't know if there's some other belies or the lies, beliefs, lies.
Speaker 9:
Yeah, I mean, I think so. There's been a consistent theme in my life of always feeling alone and and always, always feeling unwanted, and I've literally been told, like verbally been told you are not wanted to go away. I don't want you. I mean more multiple occasions in my life is not an isolated idea. Thank you, yeah, and so you know that's part of the beautiful thing in Jesus is like he sees me completely for who I am and he wants me more than anybody.
Speaker 3:
Yeah.
Speaker 9:
But knowing that here and having that translate into intimacy and relationship and maturity in Jesus has been the journey Right and so, I think, coming into our marriage. I still have those questions like is my own wife going to ultimately want me when she?
Speaker 9:
really has been with me for a while really sees me for who I am. And. But, as I mentioned earlier, very early in my life I had equated sexual intimacy and then just even sexual pleasure with notions of love. Because the thinking as a child and this is childish thinking, right, it's immature thinking in a way is that if someone is willing to have sexual relationship with me, that means I am wanted and so it's just a, it feeds itself, right, it's a cycle that's as well.
Speaker 9:
As much as I can engage in this, the more it reinforces this feeling, this belief in my mind. I recognize there's no intimacy in pornography whatsoever, but there is a false sense that comes with that pleasure in the pleasure centers of the brain right, of some aspect of that, and so it tapped into that for me. And so in our marriage and in that process I had come to a place and I don't think I was really, I wasn't necessarily conscious of it at the time of just believing okay, I'm finding that we are engaging in sexual intimacy less and less, and this is even prior to either one of us engaging in the things we were engaging in, and I'm reading that subconsciously as okay, I'm starting to be unwanted, I'm starting to be rejected. I am alone. I will always be alone. I struggle with that problem today, like I'm still. I have to renew my mind all the time of no.
Speaker 9:
This is what Jesus has truly done. He's shown this. There's no doubting this. He continues to show it. And yet, in my foolishness and my fallenness, I can go to those places of nope. Jesus took you because he has to take you, because he's love, and not necessarily because there's great affection behind it, but he's redeeming those who would place their faith in him. And we could get in all the theology behind that right, but the reality being no, that I am not for lack of better terminology the unwanted child of heaven that had to be received, but that I was pursued and continue to be pursued, and that the Lord takes great joy in doing that, I would have been able to articulate I'm sharing the gospel on campus. I'm teaching people this all the time, but did I have a full sense of that in my heart? Was I experiencing that?
Speaker 1:
No and that's on me.
Speaker 9:
That's on me because I was not renewing my mind in those ways. I was not saying Jesus, how do I step deeper into this when I'm feeling this, rather than pull away?
Speaker 2:
There are struggles that we're going to have. We still live in this body of flesh, but God's promise that we will never face a temptation where he doesn't give us a way of escape. And so, looking for when you gave that advice, flee and both of you mentioned, I didn't run from it, I stayed. We see example after example where that's true, and I know that there's somebody right now who's hearing this, who's saying that that's where I'm struggling, I know where my temptation is and I'm not turning to flee, I'm staying, and this isn't something that's new to you.
Speaker 2:
We look at King David, a man after God's own heart, and he got in trouble during the whole relationship with Bathsheba because it was the time of year where kings go to war and he stayed home. He didn't go, do what he should have done and he stayed. And I think that when we're tempted and we stay there because it's not that bad and I won't really go that far, and I think all of us can convince ourselves that that's true Such good advice to say when you realize you're tempted, escape. God will give you an escape. Run from it, flee from it.
Speaker 5:
Yeah, absolutely oh sorry, I was gonna say and to be sober minded, I think part of my issue was I did think that I was above or not capable of doing certain things, and I think we all can feel that way on some level with certain sin, and God's very clear, it's very clear in the New Testament, to be sober minded and that pride does come before the fall.
Speaker 5:
And I think when you feel like in your own strength that you wanna do X, y, z, I think it almost just makes you more vulnerable because you think that you're okay in taking those little steps towards temptation and that you won't go that far. And so again, yes, flee, realize you're not above doing some of the things that you don't think that you will do, but that God is there to be your help and to strengthen you in those things.
Speaker 9:
And so, yeah, and I think there's kind of at least two sides to that. Right. There's the practical of literally like physically get away from it. In my case, close the computer and never look at that again would have been the answer. Hey, yeah, it was an accident. Okay, run, run for your life because that's really what's at stake.
Speaker 9:
You know, your marriage, your life is at stake. Your life in Jesus is at stake here. So there's that practical, that piece and the other side of that, and they're not distinct. I mean they're distinct but they're conjoined in a way. Right is the fleeing, the way out is always, it's the gospel. It's not just the practical, it's not just the physical. I closed the computer, I stopped talking to that person, whatever, but it's also moving toward Jesus. I believe satisfaction that I'm looking for the things that I'm aching for and longing for that aren't right here. The only solution to those things is found in you and a willingness to say you're gonna have to teach me Jesus, to wait on you for that.
Speaker 3:
The last is not least for sure. I would be amiss if I didn't include Ron and Haley Wood in our year-end episode. Ron and Haley bring a very powerful testimony to the Lord's power in overcoming difficulties. Here Ron and Haley bring solid advice for those who deal with trauma in their marriage. Their episode Trauma Response in Relationships dropped on June 2nd. If we don't realize that our spouse is triggered and then they're reacting in a way that puts us on the defensive and then it's game on.
Speaker 4:
Right. A client one time said it to me very well. She said love me until I'm me again, and I thought that was really really well put and that kind of explains that whole process of like, okay, I'm extremely dysregulated right now, I'm not really me, and you know we're not really talking about it, but there's the concept of dissociation. You know I'm not really me, you know, but can you love me until I'm me again, and then we can come back and have a conversation, like Haley and I did. I think it was maybe a day later we were out for a walk and she said I think I know what happened and she was just, but she spent some time going over it, putting the pieces back together and she was like I'm not even about it and I'm asking God for some clarity.
Speaker 10:
And you know, because those things, those moments, are really scary. You know because it's like, man, if it happened this time, I know it's not going to happen again, or you know something like that, and they can be really scary. So it is good to come back together, because neither of you desire that you know, that's not something either of you want, and so you know.
Speaker 10:
One thing I think is important for Ron to talk about here is I want to give a lot of grace and space to the person that has been traumatized, but what we have to realize is that one thing that is so difficult with trauma, and especially abuse survivors, is that you know the person who's on the receiving end of that is not the only victim. You know, when we get married, they become a shared victim in that, and so you know we need to also have grace and space for the spouse who is on the receiving end of that, and you know I want the spouse to, you know, have patience and endurance and all the things that Ron was talking about. But it's so important for that person to also take care of themselves. They do not need to just be a punching bag, and so I would like to ask you to maybe share what are some things to do to take care of yourself when you're in that situation. The spouse of the trauma survivor.
Speaker 4:
One thing I think it's you try to remain calm all the time, but it doesn't hurt to set some necessary and appropriate boundaries in your relationship and to mention, you know, like I okay, I don't, I don't think I deserve that right now, or I think something's going on, you know, maybe call a timeout or something like that, but to have some, some appropriate boundaries, reach out to others for help when you need it.
Speaker 4:
And so, early on in our, early on in our marriage, I was with a group of men who they were older than I was I just happened to be the youngest guy in the group, but you know they had been through this for years and could speak into like some of my situations. So I had a place to to, to talk about that kind of stuff and and try to create some some new rhythms, try to understand each other, learn some new skills, learn some some some new, even terminology for communicating with each other and trying to understand when the situation is getting out of control, before it gets too far gone. But, and you know again, you know if there's name calling or any kind of abuse or something like that, it's okay to set a boundary and say, okay, I understand that you're upset right now and I'm sorry. What would be most helpful to you in this situation was calling me names. Isn't, isn't, appropriate, right.
Speaker 10:
Well, and I think it's important to say here, you know, ron said that when I had that trigger, one thing that helped him to remain calm is because he trusted me, and so the first thing I would say to the trauma survivor is um, our trauma is not our fault, but our trauma response is our responsibility.
Speaker 10:
I'm sorry, I know you didn't ask for it, but that is the reality of it, right. And so that means, you know, just continue to pursue, you know, health and hold it wholeness, spiritually, emotionally, physically, like do those things to just honor your body and learn more about your body and your brain. And one of my favorite things to have realized is that when you've experienced trauma, one of the first things that gets affected is our ability to imagine, and so I've kind of like challenged my brain to you know, that's what worry is. It's just like imagination used differently, right, and so, like, when it comes to so many of the things that trigger you know horrible things, and so this is something that's coming up for me consistently I like to try to use my imagination to reimagine what that situation would look like. Or you know what, if, when Ron tells me how he would like his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He's not actually saying that. I'm a complete idiot right.
Speaker 3:
We hope that you've enjoyed this compilation episode and we continue to pray that God will solidify your marriage.