3 Ways To Set Good Goals For Your Marriage In 2024

Ever wondered why New Year's resolutions for your marriage fizz out by February? In this episode of The Vision-Driven Marriage, Leslie unfolds the truth about transforming your partnership by setting goals with divine timing, not just calendar dates. In our in-depth discussion, we break down the 'why' behind failed resolutions and pivot to the power of intentional goal-setting at any season of the year. By focusing on actionable steps and aligning our marital ambitions with God’s perfect plan, we reveal how to craft a roadmap to a thriving relationship.

We delve into the art of setting goals that not only speak to the heart of your relationship but are also deeply rooted in scripture. From handling anger and fostering forgiveness to enhancing communication and intimacy, we provide real-life examples and actionable steps. It's about applying God's Word in daily life, steering your marriage with purpose and passion, and turning these lessons into a more fulfilling partnership.

This episode isn't just about the two of you; it's a calling to build a family legacy on the solid rock of Biblical principles. We explore how prayer and scripture can be the cornerstone of setting goals for marital growth, including spiritual unity and upholding shared values. Strengthening your marriage and family begins with a shared vision, and we're here to guide you through setting strategic, faith-based goals that will carry your relationship through 2024 and beyond. So, let's embark on this journey together, and witness the transformation that comes when two people align their hearts with God’s.

The things we mention:

Jon Acuff “All it takes is a goal” podcast

Episode 153: How to Win Your New Year’s Resolutions Before the Year Even Begins!

The 4 Disciplines of Execution, Chris McChesney, Sean Covey, and Jim Huling

INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage. Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis. We are so glad that you've joined us here today, because today we are going to look at three ways to set good goals for your marriage in 2024.

Speaker 2: 0:44

I know you're not one for New Year's resolutions, though, are you?

Speaker 1: 0:47

Well, there's a reason why I'm not real fond of New Year's resolutions. New Year's resolutions are done often because everybody else is doing them and there's an expectation of it, and so, as a result, we all know what happens with the majority of our resolutions. We make a resolution to eat better, to go work out at the gym, and gym memberships increase and the gyms appreciate it. But you know that by the end of February you're not going to the gym anymore.

Speaker 1: 1:13

You made the resolution, not because it was a bad idea. It was a great idea, but the problem was it wasn't your idea. And because it wasn't your idea and because you felt like I have to do it right now, it might not have been God's timing and it might not have been exactly the right moment for you to be motivated to follow through with something that was good for you. You were doing the right thing for absolutely all of the wrong reasons and, as a result, it fell by the wayside. Then you felt like a failure. When you felt like a failure, you thought somehow I'm doing this so wrong I might not be able to ever redeem it. We don't want that for your relationship.

Speaker 2: 1:51

True, that is very true, and I would say that probably most of the New Year's resolutions have fallen off even by the time this podcast drops, which is going to be the 12th you know.

Speaker 1: 2:04

The thing that's really interesting to me is that the concept of a resolution is a brilliant concept, it's a good concept, it's a right concept, but it doesn't have to be New Year. It can be any time. I'm going to resolve to do what God's laid on my heart to do. Could be in June, it could be in September, it could be any time, and figuring out where I need to do something better is absolutely the right thing for us to do as individuals.

Speaker 1: 2:35

But, it's also the right thing for us to do as a couple in our relationship. In any month to figure out what's the right thing to do.

Speaker 2: 2:42

One of the things about goals is that, see, I call them goals, he calls them resolutions. I call them goals because every January, or actually by the end of December, I sit down and look at a list that I have made of the things that I want to accomplish in a 12 month period. Just happens to be from January to the end of December. Now, like Doug was saying, that could be from June to June, you know, or whatever 12 month period, but those types of goals, even as a 12 month period, are still pretty general and still pretty broad, and I like to break them down a little bit into steps that can be taken in a shorter period of time, and so so I like that.

Speaker 2: 3:24

I follow a guy named John Acuff who has the podcast All it Takes is a goal, and so so a shout out to John, I love your podcast. And what he said is he goes, start practicing your goals for January in December, and so so that's what I did. I basically started working out in December so that when January hit and I wrote that goal, I already had some some leeway coming into that. Like I know, I can accomplish that goal because I had practiced it for the month of the month of December.

Speaker 1: 3:54

Well, one of the other things that I love about what Leslie does when she makes her goals I do love this that makes it significantly different from most people's New Year's goals or New Year's resolutions is she comes up with things that she knows that she can do and and focuses on those things that she knows will bless her and be good for her, rather than the results that will come from it. And when she focuses on those things that she knows she can do, that will bless her. She's able and this is one of the many things that I'm just so impressed by her about she's able to do things that you know. Even if there's a little moment where she's not doing those things the way she wants to, it's not a failure because it wasn't set on the results. It was set on I'm going to do these things, and so she's able to continue to do them for a long period of time and see a real benefit from her goals.

Speaker 2: 4:51

And some of the goals that I set, though for myself and in our family, isn't necessarily something that, like I know I can do. Sometimes it's things that I hope I can do, but I really set those measures to do that. What you're talking about is the difference between a lead measure and a lag measure. I know how to forgive me, I don't know the author that come that that I originally learned that from. I think it was the four D's of discipline. I'll note the book and the show notes, but it's basically describing your goal, describing the steps to your goals In the difference between a lead measure, which is something that you can control, or a lag measure, which is something that you don't know if you've hit until it's too late to do anything about it.

Speaker 2: 5:38

For instance, if I say I wanted to lose weight in 2024, let's say I wanted to lose 25 pounds by June right, that's a lag measure goal. Like, if I don't do anything about lead measures, like I'm going to exercise three or four times a week, I'm not going to intake any sugar, those are lead measures. I can control that when I get to June, if I haven't met that goal, it's because I didn't have the right lead measures. It's pretty fascinating.

Speaker 1: 6:07

Well, and with your relationship, the same thing will apply, because what she's talking about with her lead measures are things that she can do every single day. It's not based on how much weight have I lost so far. I'm going to work out today. Tomorrow, I'm going to work out today. I'm going to work out today. She can control that and she can get positive feedback from that. She can see that this is something that I'm doing better than I used to do. Instead of focusing on the fact that I only lost half a pound this entire week, she's focusing on. Look at these things that I'm doing better than I did before.

Speaker 1: 6:41

Now, for those of you who are processing, say but what's the difference? If I work out, I lose weight. Why shouldn't I focus on the losing weight? Here's why, if you get frustrated by the timing of the results, you stop doing the things that will eventually produce them. Where, if you focus on, these, are the things that I need to do, that will make my life better. My goal is I'm going to work out every day, not I'm going to lose 25 pounds. It's a controllable thing that you know improves you, you know it blesses you, you know it makes you better and you don't get discouraged as easily, you're able to continue forward In your relationship. You can do exactly the same thing.

Speaker 2: 7:18

Let's say and I really want to encourage you listeners, because this is something that we've seen over and over again that people just have a misunderstanding about or they just don't realize. But you have so much influence in your relationship, both as a husband and as a wife. You affect each other in positive and negative ways. There's no middle ground here. You're either positively affecting or you're negatively affecting. But the thing is is that you can control it. You have influence to change the atmosphere, to encourage, to bring some positivity into the atmosphere and into the relationship. Some people call it energy, bringing a positive energy into the space. So today we're going to talk about some lead measures that you can accomplish when setting your marriage goals for 2024.

Speaker 1: 8:16

We'll jump back into the difference between a lead and a lag. As we go through some of these, we want to make sure that you get encouraged and see that this is something that's very doable. Now we want to look at three ways to set good goals. Now, the categories we're going to look at are relatively general categories, but that's okay. We just want to give you some things to think about and to pray about so that, when you look at the specifics in your own marriage, you can set some lead measures that are specific to what you actually want to see improve and the blessings that you want to see happen in your relationship. So what's the first way that our listeners can set good goals for their marriage?

Speaker 2: 8:55

I would say this goes without saying what we're going to say it yes, Pray together. That one of the very first things that you can do is pray together specifically about your relationship and what you want to change in 2024.

Speaker 1: 9:13

And we've talked for over a year now about how you need to focus on what God wants you to do, not go on. You don't need to just share what you want your spouse to do. But as you pray about your relationship together, you can see some shared goals, some shared concepts, where you know you need to improve, where we need to be more intentional about the time we spend together or whatever it is. But as you pray and ask God to put some light on your relationship so you can see it maybe in a way you haven't seen it before, pray and ask God to show you the way that he sees your relationship. Not only will that encourage you, because there's things that are going on that are very good, that you don't pay enough attention to, but God will show you the things that he wants to do that he hasn't done yet, and you'll be able to see what his goals are and you can set those as goals for your relationship.

Speaker 2: 10:07

Absolutely. The second thing is to determine what you want for 2024. That means that as you're praying together, think about the things that you want to have that are more solid, the better vision that you want for your marriage. You know, do you want better communication, more open communication? Do you want to have more fun? Do you want to have a more solid relationship with friends as a couple? You know that may be a goal that you have for 2024 is that you want to have more social interactions as a couple. You know there are so many different things that can be goals in your life and every couple I mean they're going to be different for every couple.

Speaker 1: 10:52

Right and, as you have prayed about that, starting to determine what you want for 2024, it doesn't have to look the way that another couple's goals look, for example. You as a couple might be looking at some very small pieces of things that need to happen in your relationship because you're at a point where you realize there's some specifics that God wants to do some tweaking in. But it may be something where you're not really sure. It's just a very general category and you know that God wants you to start by recognizing the general category where he wants to bless you, and the specifics will come later, as you take a step forward in that general area.

Speaker 1: 11:34

You know it may be that you're going to focus on the whole relationship, the gestalt of the relationship. That may be what God wants to do. But God may say as you pray, you need to focus on the emotional part of your relationship or you need to focus on the physical part of your relationship. You've lost the physical intimacy. Or maybe God wants to show you I've got spiritual intimacy for you that you've never seen before. So it may be that God wants you to develop all three, but it may be that there's one specific part of your intimacy that God wants to address as you pray. Then you can determine what you really want for 2024.

Speaker 2: 12:13

And then, once that is said, go to God's word, find the truth, find what God's word has to say about that particular thing and begin to apply it. And this is where those lead measures come in, because as you're applying that, you can track that habit. You can jot down things that you need to do to apply that in your marriage. And then you know, seven days later go back and check. You know, was I successful at applying that on Monday? Was I successful at applying that on Tuesday? You know how did I do on Wednesday and then come together as a couple and talk about the effects of applying God's truth in your relationship. That just thrills me. That just thrills me. The thought of God saying here's the blessing of applying my word in your life and I'm going to honor that for you. I'm going to bless you over that. I'm going to protect you. I'm going to honor you because you have honored me.

Speaker 1: 13:20

And so we want to make sure that you understand that before we look at some general categories for you to be thinking about as you start the process. Now, remember, the process will include pray together about you know, what is it that we want and what does God want to do in our relationship? The number two determine what goals you want to set, what you want in 2024, and then find out what does the Bible say, what does God's word say about this? And then how can I do what God's word says about it? Let me give you an example.

Speaker 1: 13:52

Maybe you're dealing with some anger in your relationship. You know it's something that God wants to minister to you about. So you find everything the Bible says about anger, and as you're reading it, you realize that it says when you're angry, don't sin. And so you come to the conclusion oh, being angry isn't the problem. The problem is what I do when I'm angry. And just let God start applying that truth and you start living it. And then he says don't let the sun go down on your anger. Okay, I need to resolve this in a timely manner, so I don't just let it faster. I see.

Speaker 2: 14:22

I'm going to jump in here real quick and talk about just that resolving. I'm going to chase this rabbit trail for just a tiny little bit Timely is subjective.

Speaker 2: 14:29

Right, timely is subjective, and so is resolving it. Because so many times we've heard you know, when you have a conflict in your marriage, don't let the sun go down on your anger. And we have assumed, we've been ingrained in our Christian culture to believe that that means we have to resolve that conflict. It doesn't. We have to resolve the anger in our own heart. And sometimes it means waiting to resolve that conflict until a later time.

Speaker 1: 14:57

But it does mean don't just push it aside and ignore it, because when you ignore it it festers.

Speaker 2: 15:02

Dealing with that anger dealing with that heart, if it means forgiving before you go to sleep, if it means meditating on the scripture or praying before you go to sleep, whatever it means to release that anger. That's what the Lord is talking about. But then, always come back and resolve the conflict in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 15:21

So you can look at those things or maybe you're dealing with. I want to be more forgiving toward my spouse, and so you look at everything that the Bible says about forgiveness, what it looks like, how we're supposed to do it, how we're supposed to practice it, and so then your goals can become specific, because not only do you find what God says about that thing, but you can find out what God says about how we're supposed to do whatever that thing is. And so those were just a couple of examples, but again, the process will lead you through this as you seek God's will, pray about it as a couple, determine what goals you have goal or goals and then find out what God's word says about it and find out how you can do what God's word says about it.

Speaker 2: 16:05

I just want to say I was listening to John A Kev the other day. Another little side bit about John A Kev's podcast all it takes is a goal, but he was saying that so many people create goals. There's, like I want to say, like 16% of everybody creates goals for the year, which really isn't very many 16% but 3% of those are the only ones that use relationships. He said that, as he was studying it, all the different types of goals will fit into five different categories, and those categories are fun, career, finance, relationships and health. I kind of forgot the health one because, well, I don't write health goals very well, but the thing is is that the one that was lacking the most is relationships.

Speaker 2: 16:57

So, people are always quick to write goals in these other areas, but they're not quick to write their relationship goals. So I would say and I know you've heard us say before I mean, if you have followed the podcast for any length of time, you will have heard us say it is not good to be on autopilot. And this is one of the best ways to get off of autopilot is to be very intentional about the way that you are honoring your relationship and growing in your relationship, and this is one of the ways is to do the, to create some goals.

Speaker 1: 17:32

Well, I actually heard a couple today sharing something that I think gives a little bit of credence as to why it is that we write goals in all of the categories but we don't tend to set goals in the category of relationships the way we do in the others A couple of young people who shared that their whole desire was that someday they would find that relationship, that that matched what they see in the movies, that it would be. I see the person who's perfect for me and it just fits and it just works. Now, the reason that that made me chuckle a little bit is we don't say that. When we get older we don't say that anymore, but how many times in adult relationships do we still act like we want that to be true? We think that if I have to work at it, well then it's not just a matter of the heart.

Speaker 1: 18:24

What happened to the matter of the heart? I want to be swept off my feet, you know. And so, in the process, what we do is we just hope things change. We hope for an emotional reaction rather than an action combined with the emotion, and so, as a result, we don't set the goals, we just hope things will get better, and we largely do that because we've read all of the fairy tales, we've watched the movies, we've seen the television shows and isn't that what love is supposed to feel like? Well, the reality, and Leslie and I have just seen this in so many beautiful ways. In the 34 years that we've been married, what we've seen is that there are times where we know there's a specific thing we have to work on. Let me just tell you right now it doesn't change the fact that I'm so grateful that God gave us one another. We fit. But if we chose just to hope it would get better, it wouldn't get better.

Speaker 2: 19:23

What's the saying? If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it. You'll hit it every time.

Speaker 1: 19:27

You know, and if you do things the same way and hope that you'll get a different result, that has always been the traditional definition of insanity, which we kind of like right, because we all like the. I love the intense love at first sight, the crazy no, no, it's bad for the relationship.

Speaker 2: 19:47

They make good movies, though it does make great movies.

Speaker 1: 19:51

And, as a result, we do have channels that you know A lot of you ladies like it, Even though it's totally predictable that the person that causes them grief Anyway. But what we get to see is that, you know, a kid today said you know, I don't want this relationship that I have to work so hard at. I want this relationship where I see the perfect person and they're just right for me the end.

Speaker 2: 20:15

But the thing is is that I see the perfect person for me? You know you are the perfect person for me, but we still work at our relationship.

Speaker 1: 20:25

And there's things that are legitimate goals that will add to the blessings. I want to make sure that you hear these two things. If you, as a couple, are able to set goals together, two things will happen if you work toward them, if you walk toward the goals you've set. Number one you will be blessed more than you already are, no matter how good your marriage is and I pray you have a great marriage. But you'll be blessed even more when you set those goals and move toward them together. But, number two you'll get to be reintroduced to the depth of love your spouse has for you, because when you were dating, you went out of your way to always show each other that even when there's something that's inconvenient, I'm going to do it if it will bless you. Setting goals together gives you a reemergence of being able to see the glimpses of my spouse is working toward this just for us.

Speaker 2: 21:22

It's just because of us, and that's what makes the journey great. You might not hit the goal, but the journey is going to be good.

Speaker 1: 21:32

Right, and those, those lead measures of this is what we're going to do. The controllable things, the results will be good, even if they're not the exact results you thought they were going to be.

Speaker 2: 21:42

Now you may be thinking that you don't know where to start when it comes to setting relationships.

Speaker 1: 21:47

That's fair.

Speaker 2: 21:47

That is fair? Yeah, absolutely, that is fair. First things first, pray together. But we have three general broad topics. Okay, categories, categories, right, that you can set relationship goals in, but of course pray first. Right so what's the first one?

Speaker 1: 22:05

The first one is a lot of couples say you know we want to develop in the area of spiritual unity, we want to grow spiritually, and those are really good. That's a great category to set goals in Now. Eventually, as you pray and as you determine what you're really wanting to see, the goal will get more specific. But you may you know be needing to think about these categories. So, spiritual unity and spiritual growth, you know that individually, you want your faith to grow. As a couple, you want your faith to grow. There may be some, some areas where you've been struggling that you know already you want to address, but it may just be that you need to pray about this category and what are some of the things within the category that might really bless some of our couples?

Speaker 2: 22:49

A lead measure in this category would be to pray together regularly. That's something that you can. You can schedule it, you can check it off, and I don't say just schedule it and check it off. That's not not what I'm saying. It's not going to be a check off the list. However it, because it is a lead magnet, it's quantifiable and it's qualifiable.

Speaker 1: 23:10

And if you do check it off the list for a while, eventually it will become a habit. And then, after it becomes a habit, it the desire and the goal is for it to go from a task to a habit, from a habit to a love.

Speaker 2: 23:23

Absolutely. The other thing that you can do is study the Bible together. Doug and I do this on a regular basis in our small group, and so we have other people that join us when we study the Bible together and it is awesome. It is awesome and we do that once a week, so I would encourage you to study the Bible together and there again, that is also measurable. How many times a week would you like to do this? Do you do family devotions? Do you do couple devotions? Whatever that looks like for you is great. It is great. If you're using a couple's devotion, let me hear about it. Give me an email or a social media message and let me know what couple's prayer journal or a couple's devotional that you're using, because I would love to hear.

Speaker 1: 24:05

And did you notice that Leslie also said when she said pray together, she said pray together regularly. She didn't give you the exact you know. She didn't say daily, she didn't say twice a day, she didn't say weekly. Because what you need to do is you need to be seeking for what is it that our goal is going to be? You know, and your goal very likely will be different from other people's goals what is it that you'd like to see as you grow? And same thing with studying the Bible together. It won't look the same for everybody. You may do a morning devotion together. You may read the same passage of scripture and talk about it before you go to bed at night.

Speaker 2: 24:41

But I want to challenge you that it needs to be more than just praying together before a meal. Right, you know, lord bless our McDonald's, isn't it? It doesn't get it. Right, you know, it might get the McDonald's food good, but yeah, it needs to be more than that.

Speaker 1: 24:58

Yeah, don't get us wrong, we don't want you to choke on unblessed food, but it needs to be more than that.

Speaker 2: 25:02

Right, it needs to be more than that. One of the other things that you can do and this is very broad in general, so talk to your spouse about what this would look like, but another one of the things that you can do to support spiritual unity and growth in your marriage is to support each other in your walk with the Lord, whatever that looks like.

Speaker 1: 25:21

Right.

Speaker 2: 25:22

Now that is so broad and so general that you have to communicate about what that looks like in your relationship.

Speaker 1: 25:31

And by design, these categories are broad in general because, again, we want you to pray together about it, determine what your goal is and then find what God's word says about that and find out what God's word says about how you can do it God's way. So what's the second category?

Speaker 2: 25:49

The next category. The second category is commitment to biblical values and principles. Now, this goes along with well, it goes along with leadership and submission in a relationship or working together as a couple, because this is where you determine what values, what biblical principles, are going to guide your decisions. And you definitely need to be working together in this area so that it doesn't turn into a dictatorship and a floor mat situation, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 26:24

And this is also an area, this general category, commitment to biblical values and principles. This may be something where God starts to speak in the specifics that I mentioned generically earlier. It may be that you get to see well, we're dealing with some forgiveness issues, or we're dealing with anger issues, or we need to show each other honor better than we do. So, whatever the biblical values and the biblical principles are, ask God to show you what are the specific areas that he wants to grow you, that he wants to bless you beyond where you're currently blessed and allow you to see more of what his intention for your marriage is than you've seen up to this point. And so, again, just start asking what are the biblical values that we might have as goals? And it may be the way that you resolve conflict, it may be the way you handle debt. The way that you handle debt, it may be the way that you grieve.

Speaker 1: 27:18

Maybe you've had a huge loss and you're really being kind of strapped by the grief that you haven't really dealt with yet. Maybe that's, this year, what God wants to do. He wants to give you biblical values and biblical principles on how you can get through your grief in a way that's healthy and good, but again, that's why prayer comes in first. These categories are great, but they are very broad and we don't want you to think that somehow I can plug in a 12-step process that fits everybody, because if you really want to see God's blessing, you have to ask God. God, what do you want to do with our relationship right now? Because what God showed Leslie and I when we were first married was different than when we'd been married for 10 years. It's different than what we see now, and so we would encourage you pray about God. What do you want to do right now in our relationship individually? Just us.

Speaker 2: 28:10

The last broad category is strong foundations for marriage and family Right, and that is very, very broad.

Speaker 2: 28:19

So pray about it and prioritize the time that you spend with each other so that you can talk about how do we build a strong biblical foundation in our marriage and what does that look like for us as a couple and what does that look like for us as a family, and discuss that plan on how faith in biblical principles plays out within your relationship and within your family and, if need be, seek biblical counsel, a biblical mentor, biblical counseling, if need be, because that also can help solidify the foundation in your marriage.

Speaker 1: 28:57

Absolutely. As you pray, you may find that God starts to show you a specific area where you are developing a goal as a couple, but you're not exactly sure where to find God's truth about that area, or you're not really sure how to apply what the Bible says about that area. We would love to hear from you, we would love for you to contact us, let us know, we'd love to point you towards some scripture that can help you with whatever it is God's showing you. And some of these categories, this last category of strong foundations in your marriage and your family. We're talking about things like well, we want to have more quality time together, we want to prioritize being together as a family instead of working so many hours, or we want to….

Speaker 2: 29:41

Absolutely solidify that relationship.

Speaker 1: 29:42

We want to dedicate our finances more to God, because right now, we feel like we're working for the money instead of letting our money work for us. Whatever it is, there are some principles that God can show you. This is what I want to do that's going to help you get to a place that's even better than the place that you are right now.

Speaker 2: 30:01

Absolutely so set goals.

Speaker 1: 30:05

So, as this new year starts in 2024, it's not a resolution, it's a goal. It's not a typical New Year's type of goal. It is a what does God want to do where you are right now, and so, again, we want to encourage you Pray together, determine what you want in 2024. Find biblical truth and apply biblical truth in your life. And we just want to thank you for joining this podcast about three ways that you can set goals for your marriage in 2024. We're Doug and Leslie Davis, and one of our goals is to continue to pray for you that God will solidify your marriage.