Experiencing The Fruit of the Spirit in Your Marriage

Have you felt the tension between love and conflict within your marriage? On this episode of The Vision-Driven Marriage, we explore the profound impact the Fruit of the Spirit can have on your relationship. Discover how virtues like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control can not only mend but also enrich the bond you share with your spouse. In our candid conversation, we dive into the struggles many couples encounter – from envy, anger, to strife – and offer a beacon of hope for those longing to turn back to God with just one sincere step of the heart.

Walking in the Spirit isn't just a lofty ideal; it's a practical pathway to a fulfilling marriage. Through our discussion, we illuminate how the Holy Spirit's role is crucial in nurturing these virtues within us, an endeavor far beyond our human capabilities. This episode provides actionable advice for inviting God's influence in your life, accentuating the necessity of a personal relationship with Jesus for true victory over the flesh. Embrace a life where every action and sacrifice in your marriage serves not only your partner but also honors God.

Step away from the routine and engage in the conscious cultivation of your spiritual connection with your partner. This episode is not just a guide but an encouragement to grow in the Fruit of the Spirit within your marriage. We share insights and personal experiences that reveal how replacing negative emotions with gentleness, patience, and kindness can transform not only your relationship but your entire approach to life. Tune in to learn how to fortify your marriage, draw closer to your spouse, and together, reflect God's glory more brightly than ever before.

We Mention:

Galatians 5:16-24
Romans 8:5-8
1 Peter 4:8
1 John 4:19
Proverbs 15:1
Psalm 91:1-2

Robert Bass's Book Hidden Fruit

INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.

Speaker 2: 0:30

Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis, and today we're going to be looking at experiencing the fruit of the spirit in your marriage. Earlier this month, we had the privilege to be able to talk to Robert Bass about his book Hidden Fruit, and in it he has a chapter on each piece of the fruit of the spirit that's mentioned in Galatians, chapter 5. Now we want to look at what God says in Galatians, chapter 5, about what the fruit of the spirit is and what he wants to do in your life, and examine it through the lens of marriage to see how you can experience the fruit of the spirit in your marriage in a way that will bless you and your spouse.

Speaker 1: 1:13

One of the things I think about the fruit of the spirit is that it's like a measuring stick or a marker that when things aren't going right, you know you are responsible for your behavior within that relationship. And this is one of those markers that you can say okay, it may be responsible for my own behavior. Am I exhibiting the fruit of the spirit?

Speaker 2: 1:38

And one of the amazing things in Galatians, chapter 5, is that the fruit of the spirit is contrasted with the fruit of the flesh, and I wanted to go ahead and take a real quick peek at something that's important in what we're warned against. You may be experiencing some things in your marriage that are providing some difficulties, and some of those things may be connected to some things that God warns us about, and you know you may be thinking well, the fruit of the spirit, that's great. You know, I know it's something that God wants to do in my life, but right now I'm just struggling so much. What could possibly be the blessing until I get these other things taken care of? Well, they're connected, and here's what I mean by that. Whatever you put your mind on is not only what you're going to think about. What you'll think about is what you'll do, but also being able to put your mind on the right things is going to allow you then to focus on what God does want to do, instead of chasing after the things you don't want to do. And here's the way.

Speaker 2: 2:41

Romans, chapter 8, verses 5 through 8, says that God's word says that, for those who live according to the flesh, think about the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit, about the things of the spirit, for the mind set of the flesh is death, but the mind set of the spirit is life and peace. The mind set of the flesh is hostile to God because it doesn't submit itself to God's law and it's unable to do so. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God, and so you know you're thinking well, I'm struggling so much and I know this is what God wants from me, but I just feel like I'm so far away. I just hope that that explained why you're feeling that way, because when you're thinking about the things of the flesh and when you're doing the things of the flesh, that is hostile to God and you feel like you're separated from Him, like deeply by a chasm that can't be crossed.

Speaker 1: 3:37

I did hear a very interesting quote the other day about no matter how far you feel like you are from the Lord, the return trip is only one step.

Speaker 2: 3:49

Right, you're from your sin, turning toward Him one single step. But to explain the rest of why you may be feeling, is this really going to be something for me? In Galatians, chapter 5, where the fruit of the Spirit is outlined and detailed for us? In verse 16 of chapter 5, it says I say then, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. So you may be thinking well, my mind has been set on these other things and I've been struggling with these other things, and so can I really find help? You can Remember Galatians 5.16 says that if you walk by the Spirit, you won't carry out the desires of the flesh, even if you have been, even if you're currently struggling with it, even if you've made progress and fallen back.

Speaker 2: 4:40

All of those things are very real things that every one of us can deal with, but there is a solution, and so, as we look at what we may be wrestling with, I don't want to spend a lot of time on this I just want you to hear these things, because this may be where your relationship has been stumbling.

Speaker 2: 5:00

This may be where your relationship has been struggling, or where you individually are struggling and, as a result, you're not able to give to your spouse what your spouse needs. According to Galatians 5, these are the things that are the fruit of the flesh. These are the things that God doesn't want us to demonstrate in any of our relationships. But especially, look at how these things could damage your marriage relationship, because if you think about the things of the flesh, it's going to be things like sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery. We're like, well, they're good. I haven't been dealing with sorcery, I haven't struggled there, but then it goes into hatreds and envy, drunkenness and carousing, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions. It also says at the end of the list or anything similar you may have been struggling with envy or strife or drunkenness or carousing or immoral thoughts or promiscuity. There is a solution. There is something that God has for you that will help you, because any of those things will create difficulty in your marriage.

Speaker 1: 6:14

We see those things play out in relationships in a number of different ways. Sometimes there's such a competitiveness between a husband and a wife that is motivated by that envy and that jealousy. And sometimes it's while we're on autopilot and it is kind of subconscious it's motivating this, but you kind of feel that tension where everything is a competition, Like I have to do better than he does or he has to do better than I do, and then it's a one-up situation where I maybe I don't feel comfortable unless I have the one-up on him, or vice versa. And so we see those things play out in sometimes very subtle ways, and other times there are just more in your face the sexual immorality when you have affairs going on, and so sometimes there's all gametes of how those things play out within a relationship.

Speaker 2: 7:11

But beyond the envy, the jealousy, one of the other areas that really can create some issues within your marriage would be outbursts of anger, that strife that just seems like it's constant, and the reaction, no matter what it is that's going on, feels like it comes out as anger, and that's really difficult. We've dealt with a couple of other episodes where anger often is the way a different emotion comes out, but when it does, then your spouse becomes defensive because you feel like you're being attacked, and so there is a better plan. There's something else that God wants for you. So first I want to go ahead and share with you in Galatians 5, 22, and 23 what God says the fruit of the Spirit is, and then we're going to look at some practical ways that you can seek after God providing some growth in those areas in your life. Galatians 5 says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy and joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control Now the amazing part of that list. Those are things that we know will make our marriage better. How much better will your marriage be if you were just a little more loving or had more joy more often, if you were at peace throughout the day more often than you currently are, if you were patient, not only with your spouse but with the other things that are going on in your life, etc. And we'll look at these things because, again, we want to give you the list one more time in just a moment, so that you can hear and let God speak to you about which thing he's wanting to help grow in your life right now.

Speaker 2: 8:56

But in verse 24 that follows that list of what the fruit of the Spirit is. Listen to what God says. God says those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Now I just want to go and throw this out. We've dealt with a lot of things over this last year that have been applicable regardless of who you are, regardless of whether you know the Lord or not. This is also applicable regardless of whether you know the Lord or not.

Speaker 2: 9:27

But I want you to hear what verse 24 of Galatians 5 does say. If you know the Lord is your Savior and if you'll surrender to Him and submit to Him, those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. So you may be struggling with one of these fruit of the flesh with envy or without bursts of anger, with selfish ambition. You may be struggling with one of those, but you are no longer controlled by them. If you've given your life to Christ Now, every person, regardless of whether you know the Lord these are things that will make your relationship better. But if you know the Lord, this is something that God will give you victory in, if you turn to Him and put your mind on the fruit of the Spirit instead of putting your mind on the fruit of the flesh.

Speaker 1: 10:15

Yeah, because when we are in Christ Jesus, when we have a relationship with Christ, a personal relationship with Christ, the Bible says that we are marvelously helped, and so that's the help of the Holy Spirit. So the fruit of the Spirit is going to be so much more magnified than the fruit that we could produce on our own. In fact, it's impossible to produce this kind of fruit on our own over a sustained amount of time, and so you need Jesus to do this well.

Speaker 2: 10:49

You do. And, again, for those of you who don't know the Lord, it's our heart's desire that you would come to know Him, but these are things that will make your marriage better regardless. Now, in Christ Jesus, you're going to have victory. To be able to do this, we want to give you a few things to look at so that you can begin the process of letting God grow the fruit of the Spirit in your life. And again, the fruit of the Spirit comes from having the Holy Spirit in you, which comes from knowing Christ as your Savior. Thank you.

Speaker 2: 11:16

The list again, I want you to think about this list in context of what would my life look like if I had more of this? And so just think about this list. What would my life look like if I had more of it? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. Now, faithfulness is something that's important because we've talked in several different podcast episodes about how trust and trustworthiness are an issue that a lot of couples are facing, and so, if you've been struggling with the combination of trust and trustworthiness, asking for faithfulness to be the fruit that is growing in your life is something that will bring about not only more trustworthiness from you but, as a consequence, when you're more trustworthy, more trust from your spouse towards you.

Speaker 1: 12:20

Every time I hear that list, I think about when the girls were at church camp and they sung that song. This is probably how my girls learned or memorized. That verse was a through a camp song and it's called the Fruit of the Spirit. You'll have to Google it. It's hysterical.

Speaker 2: 12:36

And so you know I did. I sang that with the girls a lot, but it was something that for years now has been important to me. But it's only recently that I've had my eyes opened up to the specifics of how your relationship can get better when these things are continually growing. Now, love is pretty obvious. We can figure that one out because when you love properly, love covers a multitude of sins. We know that it's a command that God's given to us. We're to love because we've been loved. We get to see all of those things. But every single piece of the fruit on this list is going to be important. So here's what we want to recommend that you all do as you begin the process. How can I experience the fruit of the spirit in my marriage, to make my marriage stronger than it currently is?

Speaker 1: 13:22

Well, the first one is recognize the need right, which means humbling yourself before the Lord and in your relationship.

Speaker 2: 13:31

Right. And so if you're at a place where you know you're struggling, recognizing the need may be to recognize the area you're struggling in, so that then you can ask God what do you want to do instead of that? So let's say, maybe it's an outburst of anger that you're dealing with and you realize that you're being angry because things aren't happening the way you want or as fast as you want, and God wants to deal with both patience and kindness in your life. But recognizing where you are, recognizing the need to have the fruit of the spirit grow and giving it to God, is absolutely going to be step one, one of the things that is amazing to me about recognizing that need.

Speaker 2: 14:17

We have all had opportunities where we could have done things better and instead we chose to go on autopilot. And I know Leslie's talked a lot over this last year about how, if you go on autopilot, you're going to end up in a place you really don't want to be. And so what we're asking you to do once again get off of autopilot, recognize where you're really at and pay attention to what's going on around you.

Speaker 1: 14:41

while you recognize what's going on, the second step is to pray and ask the Lord's leading in this whole process, because he knows more about you than probably you know about you.

Speaker 2: 14:57

And once again that will be in both areas. He'll know the area you're struggling in, and so he'll deal with those things of your flesh that are causing you areas of struggle. But he'll also grow within you the fruit of the spirit that you desperately need. And so maybe God knows that you're really struggling with gentleness. You know you're just so blunt and so out there and it's really difficult for your relationship to be what it ought to be, because when you're so blunt your spouse feels attacked and God loves you so much he wants to give you gentleness so that you can still share that truth, but in a way that doesn't cause your spouse to feel attacked.

Speaker 1: 15:34

This is really one of my favorite places in the whole process. Early on when we were married I know I had a difficult time with outbursts of anger and it was really coming from, or motivated from, a place of frustration and feeling like I wasn't being heard or whatever. And then if that outburst of anger didn't satisfy the emotional upheaval, then I would need to remove myself from the situation for an amount of time to get cooled off. But over time that has been corrected by the power of the Holy Spirit, by the Lord's leading, and now I can say I'm angry without having a major outburst. But my hope is that he listens to the phrase I'm angry just as easily as he would hear the coffee cup that would go flying across the kitchen because I was angry.

Speaker 2: 16:36

And see what it did. Was that pointed out? Because both of us had so many areas where we were struggling and we weren't doing things the way we should have done them. By God's grace, he showed us how to do things better, and there's a little piece of your selfishness and your flesh in my case where you do think well, if I do things the way I've been doing them, they're going to hear me. If I speak loudly or if I cause them to notice, then they're going to pay attention. When the reality is a gentle, word not only turns away wrath, but it does get people's attention. Love gets people's attention.

Speaker 2: 17:13

Joy causes people to want to be around you, or strife and dissension causes people to want to get away from you, and we know that that's true regardless. It's even true in your relationship. You may not physically be creating distance when your spouse is constantly in strife and causing dissension, but you're emotionally separating from one another. You're distancing yourself from one another in such a way that it's not as helpful as it ought to be. God's intention is for you to actually be continually drawn together as one, continually attracted to one another, as the ends of a magnet are. And joy is attractive, patience is attractive. Kindness is attractive. It causes us to want to be around the people who do that, and so this is God's intention and plan for your marriage.

Speaker 1: 18:09

I spoke about the process and how. This is this part of the process the praying and the seeking the Lord is really my favorite part. My favorite part of it, and here's why Psalm 91, one says that he who dwells in the secret place of the most high and he who abides in the shadow of the Almighty will say of the Lord, my refuge and my shelter, my God, and whom I trust. And that's my favorite part of this whole process, because when you abide in that secret place and seek the Lord, he's going to provide a protection for you and leading for you. That is literally supernatural. So this process becomes a blessing to both you and your spouse as you're seeking the Lord on what needs to be changed in your relationship.

Speaker 2: 19:01

And when that happens, as you pray, god will show you first of all what he's doing, and then he'll show you what he's calling you to become aware of, so that, as he leads you, you get the opportunity to do that act of kindness, to be gentle, to demonstrate goodness, whatever it is in the fruit of the Spirit that God wants to do Self control, self control.

Speaker 2: 19:25

And again you may say well, I've been dealing with outbursts of anger, god's going to give me self control, god's going to give me patience, whatever it is, peace. And so, as God shows you when you pray, ask him to show you what he's doing and then ask him to give you the opportunity to see what he's calling you to do, which leads us to the third part. So, recognize what you're dealing with, pray about it, ask God to lead you and then consciously do what you've been given to do. Now that feels like one of those well duh kind of moments. But how often do we again go on autopilot and we think, well, I've prayed about it, so that's good, right, consciously do what you've been given to do. So, if you know God's working on faithfulness in your life, consciously make sure that you're dependable and faithful. Consciously make sure you're doing those things so that, as God leads you, you're already in a mind set, that's, on what the Spirit's leading you to do.

Speaker 2: 20:32

Absolutely and so that's what God's doing Now.

Speaker 2: 20:40

The final thing that we would encourage you to do and this is one that's going to be important now again, if you aren't sure about all the things we're sharing, but you know that these ideas of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are good for you, and you're trying to do it in your own, Even in your own strength. These are good things to do. However, however, it's only through the Lord that you're going to find victory over those patterns of following after the things of the flesh, the envy and those other things, and so what I wanted to remind you is you're going to find victory if you belong to Christ Jesus and have crucified the flesh with its passion and desires. You're going to be able to truly see that God is changing you as he's building fruit in your life, because the fruit only comes from the Holy Spirit being in you, and not only that, but when you allow the Holy Spirit to lead, when you're expecting him to lead, you're going to be able to do what's right for your spouse.

Speaker 2: 21:48

Yes.

Speaker 1: 21:48

And that witness is going to be. That is going to have stronger ramifications within the relationship or within the kingdom than what you.

Speaker 1: 21:58

You know that the ripple effect is going to be much farther is what I'm saying because God knows what your spouse needs and there are times when, if you're allowing him to lead you, what you might do in a situation in your flesh might not be what your spouse needs to hear or needs to have done, and and, while it's, you know, good, like you said, in the flesh, like these things are good for our relationship in the flesh, but when you're following the leading of the Holy Spirit, it's going to create a bond in that relationship that's stronger, because the Holy Spirit knows what your spouse needs.

Speaker 2: 22:33

Mm-hmm, and, and because of that, it leads us to the fourth and final step. Okay, recognize where your need is, pray about it, ask God to show you. Then consciously do what God's given you to do. But then, number four expect God to lead. Okay, now there's a second part of this. This is a reason I wanted to preface it with. Even if you do this on your own, those are all good things to follow, but expect God to lead.

Speaker 2: 23:03

One of the struggles that a lot of couples have is when God asks you to grow and act intentionally within the area of the fruit of the Spirit that he's developing in you. It's going to be sacrificial. More often than not, it's going to be other others focused. More often than not, it's going to be for your spouse and for God rather than something that would necessarily benefit you. And so, because of that, in our flesh and I just want to give you this preemptive warning in our flesh, we can often think well, I'm doing what God wants me to do, I'm showing more joy, I'm being more patient. My spouse isn't responding at all. My spouse isn't isn't replying in any way. I'm not seeing my spouse show any kind of appreciation for it. So let me let me go ahead and share part four in its entirety. Expect God to lead, but when you do, don't expect your spouse to be the one who validates you. Let the leading of the God and the obedience to God be your validation, not your spouse's reaction to the change that God's bringing in you.

Speaker 1: 24:17

Because God is also working in your spouse's life in these areas also, and a lot of times that is that may be a journey that's not shared. You may not know what is going on in your spouse's life, between them and the Lord, right.

Speaker 2: 24:35

And I'll just give you an example. It might be that the patience that God is developing within you is what's going to allow your spouse to then be kind in response. But God's doing that patience within your life because, in his perfect timing, that needs to be on display consistently before the Lord does what he's going to do in your spouse's life. And so, again, don't look to your spouse's reaction for the validation. Expect God to lead and let the obedience to his leading be the validation that you get.

Speaker 1: 25:12

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 25:13

And so experiencing the fruit of the spirit in your marriage will absolutely transform your marriage. Now again, if you're struggling with any of those things that are in the fruit of the flesh, turn away from them, set them down, you know. Be open and honest with your spouse about them. If you need help, go get help. Find a counselor, find a therapist that can help you through it, if that's what you need. But we encourage you, lay down those things that are the fruit of the flesh. But I'm telling you right now that the fruit of the spirit is something that God will use in your marriage to draw you closer to one another Again. What would your life be like if you had more of each of those things Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. More of each of those things is something that will make your marriage better and stronger and more likely to glorify God on the daily.

Speaker 1: 26:13

The fruit of the spirit is into coconut.

Speaker 2: 26:15

The fruit of the spirit.

Speaker 1: 26:17

Do Google that song because it is hysterical.

Speaker 2: 26:21

And so again we're dug in. Leslie Davis, this is the vision-driven marriage we know. The fruit of the spirit is something that God will use to strengthen your marriage. If we continue to pray, and God will solution the fire in your marriage.