Unveiling Jealousy: Recognizing the Telltale Signs in Your Marriage
Mar 08, 2024Episode 63
Doug & Leslie Davis
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster gnawing away at your relationship? Leslie and I unpack the signs of jealousy in marriage, distinguishing between the kind that's rooted in love and the variant that harbors destructive selfishness. You're not alone if you've felt that twinge or witnessed it in your partner.
We delve deep into the intricate dynamics of marriage as we explore the often overlooked but profoundly impactful emotion of jealousy. Join us as we uncover the subtle yet significant signs of jealousy that may manifest within your marriage, shedding light on crucial insights to navigate this complex terrain. From subtle cues to overt behaviors, understanding the signs of jealousy is essential for fostering trust, communication, and mutual understanding within your relationship. Whether it's feelings of insecurity, possessiveness, or suspicion, recognizing these jealousy signs can be transformative in fostering a healthier, more resilient marriage. Tune in as we unravel the intricacies of jealousy and equip you with invaluable tools to nurture a thriving partnership.
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster gnawing away at your relationship? Leslie and I unpack the signs of jealousy in marriage, distinguishing between the kind that's rooted in love and the variant that harbors destructive selfishness. You're not alone if you've felt that twinge or witnessed it in your partner.
We delve deep into the intricate dynamics of marriage as we explore the often overlooked but profoundly impactful emotion of jealousy. Join us as we uncover the subtle yet significant signs of jealousy that may manifest within your marriage, shedding light on crucial insights to navigate this complex terrain. From subtle cues to overt behaviors, understanding the signs of jealousy is essential for fostering trust, communication, and mutual understanding within your relationship. Whether it's feelings of insecurity, possessiveness, or suspicion, recognizing these jealousy signs can be transformative in fostering a healthier, more resilient marriage. Tune in as we unravel the intricacies of jealousy and equip you with invaluable tools to nurture a thriving partnership.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage. Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis, and today we're going to be talking about a really complicated issue, because it's one of those things that in small doses, we see that it can have some good. But when stuck in human mode and what I mean by that is looking at our own selves instead of our partner it becomes really destructive. We're looking at the issue of jealousy.
Speaker 2:
And a lot of times people get envy and jealousy confused. They use those words interchangeably, but they're not really interchangeably.
Speaker 1:
No the world will use them that way, but the definitions are actually different.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, envy is wanting what is someone else's. The biblical word for that is covet.
Speaker 1:
To covet it. Yeah, covetness If somebody else got a promotion and I wanted that and so that's envy.
Speaker 2:
The neighbor got a new car and you wanted that new car, right. And of course, the big one is the Bible talks about not coveting another man's wife and so yeah. So that's envy is wanting something that is someone else's and jealousy is wanting to hold on to something or someone that is already yours Right.
Speaker 1:
And in the proper realm, jealousy is good, because God says he's a jealous God, but God doesn't sin and we do. And because we become selfish instead of selfless, jealousy can become an issue. It can become unhealthy. Now you've all seen in your relationship at one point where some jealousy that wasn't unhealthy you thought was cute, because you realized oh, my spouse loves me so much. And in those proper places, where it's applied in a selfless manner, it's a beautiful thing. The problem is, as soon as jealousy becomes selfish, as soon as it's motivated by focusing on myself, and the behaviors start to become incredibly unhealthy and destructive.
Speaker 2:
They're easy to recognize but they're much harder to control. And you know, we see our relationship with the Lord and he does talk in the Bible about being a jealous God because he wants to hold on to what is his and he doesn't want to lose that that is his. But it is solely motivated out of a love for us that is so unselfish and not self motivated. That is the only way that the emotion of jealousy works properly.
Speaker 1:
Right, and when we see the unhealthy types of jealousy, the jealousy that can cause a relationship to struggle so badly or even to completely fall apart.
Speaker 1:
Of course we want you to be able to find things that'll help you draw closer to one another and let your marriage be strengthened.
Speaker 1:
But often not always, but often some of the things that cause the person who's dealing with jealousy to feel those things in the first place end up being things that don't even have anything to do with their current situation.
Speaker 1:
It's either a trust issue, because trust was broken years ago, or it's low self esteem. They've been told they aren't worth anything and they're terrified that they're going to lose the one thing that matters so much to them and it causes them to act inappropriately or insecurity, you know, thinking that somehow the promises that have been given aren't true, or sometimes it's even paranoia that can come out, or overthinking every situation. We'll deal with those more when we look next week at some things we can do, but it also could be for a completely different reason, so don't try to analyze yet. What we want to do today is we want to look at some of the signs that either you might be jealous or that your spouse might be acting in a way that's jealous, so that together, as a couple, you can begin the process of making a healthy relationship where there's currently unhealthy behaviors.
Speaker 2:
So what I heard you say is that jealousy may be caused by a trigger.
Speaker 1:
Right, absolutely.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and so that's what I pulled out of. What you just said is that when you're feeling, when you're having these feelings of jealousy, it may be because there's an issue a childhood issue or a young adult issue that you're bringing in, and being able to recognize that trigger is going to be really important.
Speaker 1:
Well, what else is really important is that sometimes, when a spouse says I'm struggling to trust you, it's because the other spouse is acting in an untrustworthy way. That's not what we're addressing this week, but we do want to make sure that you understand. Every action that we're talking about might not be unhealthy jealousy. It might be calling out a behavior in your spouse that needs to change, but what we're talking about is the type of jealousy where you want so badly to hold on to what you have, you start acting in an unreasonable, unhealthy, often irrational way where there's nothing at all that should motivate that behavior. But that behavior is coming anyway.
Speaker 2:
Right and I think that's a big red flag to understand this is that when it is, when that emotion is above and beyond the current situation, you might be triggered.
Speaker 1:
Right.
Speaker 2:
So some of these feelings are a feeling of distrust when you're not with your spouse.
Speaker 1:
Right.
Speaker 2:
So, if you're away from your spouse, your spouse is at work or has a late meeting after work, and you have these incredible feelings of distrust, which leads to what kind of behavior?
Speaker 1:
Well, there's a lot of different behaviors that can be motivated by the distrust. Why don't we go through some of the other feelings that you have and then we'll look at the list of signs that you might be struggling with some of those things, sure, okay.
Speaker 2:
So some of the other feelings that might crop up, that if they're not warranted by the situation or they are larger than the situation warrants, then you might be experiencing some jealousy. One of them is a feeling of unrest. When your spouse is talking about other people, it triggers something in you about oh they like that person better than me, or they're cheating with that person, or I'm not good enough because they're better. Right, things like that. The other one is feelings of suspicion. So anytime that you're suspicious of your spouse, why is he doing this, why is she doing that? That kind of suspicion that the circumstances don't warrant.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it depends If there's merit for it. That's totally different. We're talking about unmerited.
Speaker 2:
Unmerited Right Absolutely, and when you are compelled to control your spouse's behavior.
Speaker 1:
And all of those things, those feelings motivate multiple reactions, multiple behaviors that a jealous person can find themselves going through. So, as we look at this, if you know that you may be dealing with some jealousy, we'll be talking okay. Do you see yourself doing this? If your spouse is struggling with jealousy and has said I want some help, do you see these things in your spouse? Now, we don't want it to be.
Speaker 1:
I see these things in you in an accusatory manner. That's not the purpose of this at all. But if your spouse has asked you help me see some of the places where I'm acting jealously, you should look for those things in them as well. And if you're the jealous, the spouse that's dealing with moments of jealousy, see if any of these behaviors ring true for you. Now, as we start to look at the list of behaviors, I want to remind you that every single one of them, when demonstrating selflessness, can be a sign of love, which is why jealousy is so difficult, because then, as soon as it turns into selfishness, it starts to be unhealthy and unreasonable. And so, with each of these things, they start with really, really great concepts and they just go too far, too fast.
Speaker 2:
I know when we were originally preparing for this episode and talking about this, that's one of the things that we talked about is that the jealousy and love really start in the same place?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, they just go in different directions, but they start in exactly the same place.
Speaker 2:
It's because they're motivated by different things, right.
Speaker 1:
And just like love is supposed to bring harmony and health and peace, love is supposed to bring patience and gentleness and kindness. The problem with jealousy is jealousy will bring stress and frustration, It'll bring in misunderstandings that wouldn't necessarily have needed to take place and it brings in a feeling of walking on pens and needles for the spouse who's experiencing jealousy from the jealous spouse.
Speaker 2:
Right, and that's the key. There is that sometimes, when the spouse who is feeling jealous isn't going to feel the anxiety and the stress, it's the spouse that's going to be feeling those things when the other spouse is exhibiting jealous behavior.
Speaker 1:
So we're going to clarify some differences between the healthy and the unhealthy, between love and jealousy. Remember, often they start in the same place. Here's an example. One of the signs that you might be jealous is if you're constantly checking on your spouse I mean all the time. Now, the reason that's not a big deal when it's I want to make sure you're okay. That's focused on them, that's selfless, that's about the other. But when I want to know where they are and who they're with, it becomes selfish and it becomes incredibly unhealthy.
Speaker 1:
And in this modern age of technology, we get to see that. You know you may, as a couple, you may be asking well, let's go ahead and get one of those apps so we can always know each other's location. Nothing wrong with that If it's for the same purpose that the text message used to be hey, text me when you get home so I know you're safe, that's good, that's love. But if it's, where are you? What are you doing now? Who are you with? We see how that becomes unhealthy and so, like with one of those apps, it's the same thing. It's oh, you made it to work. I see that my spouse made it to work safely. That's awesome, that's great, but if it's all of a sudden a phone call your location app showing that you're at McDonald's, it's not lunchtime. Why are you there and your spouse is like. I had to use the bathroom.
Speaker 2:
That's totally different.
Speaker 2:
Right and so it's motivated by that selfish need to control or to, you know, make sure that your spouse isn't cheating on you. I know Shannon Bryant had given some good examples in our last week's podcast about that and how she it was like a drug for her checking on her spouse and then she would check and then it would be okay, but she knew she was going to have to check again later. Like it was this big compulsion to check on her and that's how she realized that she was jealous and things were coming out of this jealous place and it gave her an opportunity to examine some childhood issues that was causing this jealousy that was working out in her marriage not for a good way.
Speaker 1:
And just to make sure again. It's wonderful that you know that your spouse is okay. We all want to do that. That's called care, that's good. But constantly feeling like you need to know where they are, that's when jealousy becomes really difficult, not only for you because you're constantly concerned when are they, but also for your spouse, who you know wants to be an open book but at the same time feels like they have to walk on eggshells. And when jealousy becomes, when that sign of jealousy comes to a real boil, is when the questioning doesn't stop until there's something that satisfies that. I knew it. And sometimes spouses who are constantly being checked on just go ahead and agree with whatever their jealous spouse is asking them, just to get the conversation to end. It becomes incredibly difficult. So we'll deal next week with how we how we first of all recognize and then what we can do about some of that.
Speaker 2:
Kind of like a person who, well, if I'm going to get accused of it, I might as well do it anyway. Right, well, and we hope it doesn't go to that.
Speaker 1:
But I've seen, example after example after example, how, through counseling spouses have revealed in lots of the literature that you read in, counseling spouses who are being accused of, you know, being with somebody else instead of with their spouse will just say, yep, I was there, just so the conversation will end, even though they weren't actually there. So, again, one of the signs that you may be dealing with some jealousy issues is a need to feel like you have to check on your spouse 24 seven. Now another one is if there's always an issue, if your spouse wants to do something without you.
Speaker 1:
Now what's healthy is that you should want to spend time with your spouse, but it's also healthy that there's something that you do that's just you. There's things that Leslie loves to do that I'm welcome to go to, but it's healthy for her to go do those by herself.
Speaker 2:
Like shopping.
Speaker 1:
Like shopping. Plus, she has friends that she'll go to coffee with. She does things and it's healthy and good for her to be able to do those things. Likewise, those are the types of things that I will do. I'll do things at church. Go do things. I'll go ride, go fishing. I don't fish, go fishing, ride my motorcycle Again, she's always welcome, but it's healthy for us to do those things apart. It's healthy for you to have some things that you do apart. It builds your relationship stronger. But jealousy says you can't ever do anything, that I'm not there. If you start to see yourself or if you start to see your spouse saying it's always an issue if you want to go do something and I'm not going with you, that could be a sign of jealousy.
Speaker 2:
And there again, in a realm where it starts out of a good place. I want to be with you.
Speaker 1:
That's awesome.
Speaker 1:
You probably won't hear me say that, though when you go fishing- she's as much of a fan as fishing as I am of shopping. We have those realms where we're able to do things. That are blessings, but we don't have to do them together all the time. One of the other signs that you may be dealing with some jealousy is if you start to question every single friendship that your spouse has, or if you see it in your spouse that your spouse is questioning every friendship you have, because, again, there's going to be friendships that you're going to have, whether they are with your friends who are the same sex as you or friends who are of an opposite sex of you.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes, like at work, you'll have a friend at work that you just talk to, and jealousy is you can't be friends with them. Jealousy says well, why do you want to see them? Well, I work with them. Well, why did you talk to them? We're working on a project together and jealousy begins to really start to let those fears that we talked about earlier creep in, to make the situation something that it just isn't.
Speaker 2:
Now a caveat. There is that when you have friends at work that are of the opposite sex, it has to be a friendship with boundaries.
Speaker 1:
And the boundaries have to be good ones.
Speaker 2:
Yes, just to protect your marriage or protect your spouse, but those are OK.
Speaker 1:
It's OK to have friendships with boundaries, not friendships with benefits, like at work, because I work in a profession where there's a lot of women who are teachers. As a teacher, there's a lot of women who are teachers. There's boundaries where if there's a conversation that needs to take place, the door's always open. If there's a conversation that needs to take place, if at all possible it's a room with a lot of people, not because there would ever be anything wrong, but we don't want to give the appearance of any wrongdoing. Now jealousy takes that to the other extreme, because jealousy takes something where there's zero appearance of wrongdoing that says what were you doing and it just becomes so unhealthy it eats at the relationship.
Speaker 2:
And more often than not it stems from a motivation of a childhood neglect. A lot of times jealousy, or even envyness too. We were talking about the difference between jealousy, but both of those can come out of a place of childhood neglect.
Speaker 1:
And so another place where you can look to see is this a sign maybe we're dealing with some jealousy is if you constantly feel the need to check on your spouse's email and social media. Now, in this modern age, we know that again. That's another place where it should be an open book. Of course you can look, I don't care. There's no reason for you not to be able to.
Speaker 2:
But when there's a compulsion.
Speaker 1:
But when you feel like you need to constantly check their social media, constantly look at their email, it's a pretty good sign that you're starting to deal with some insecurities that are leading to jealous, unhealthy behaviors.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I agree, and it's a compulsion. It's a compulsive feeling of checking that social media and checking those emails. It's not out of a place of vulnerability or transparency that we talk about when you are working to a fair proof your marriage. We talk about having that level of transparency where you're an open book. You hear check my social media here, check my emails, here's my logins, all the things. But when a spouse is compelled to do that and that compelling is overwhelming, then you might be dealing with some jealousy.
Speaker 1:
And another sign for you to look at that you may be dealing with jealousy is if there seems to be a problem every time you mention someone else, or if you feel a problem every time your spouse mentions someone else, whether it's something where you think they're flirting simply because the waitress brought you an extra fork, because you dropped yours. You smiled and said thank you, and then why were you flirting with her? And then you start to question yourself did I? Or if you just mentioned someone, you see someone walking down the street. Your thought is that dress is really beautiful, I'd like to buy one of those for my wife, and you say I really like her dress and oh, you like. Then all of a sudden there's a problem because you're talking about someone that's not your spouse, and so if you're dealing with some of those things, it might be a sign that you're dealing with an unhealthy behavior that's a result of jealousy.
Speaker 2:
And you can see where a lot of those behaviors might be motivated. You know we were talking before about it being motivated by a childhood issue. You can see where a lot of the examples that Doug just gave can be motivated out of a place of insecurity.
Speaker 2:
You know, and I think that a lot of times insecurity is what motivates jealous behavior, because they that insecurity leads to feelings of I'm not good enough, I know he's going to leave me, I know he's not going to stay. You know, all of those insecurity thoughts she's prettier than I am Right right, right, she's prettier than I am, and so it's one of those things where and we'll get into this more next week too but being able to control those thoughts and say that's not true- Well, that leads to another one.
Speaker 1:
That's one that you know you probably think of. Why wasn't this one up at the top of the list? This is the most obvious one. But if you're constantly accusing your spouse of cheating and then say, oh, I'm joking. Or if your spouse is constantly accusing you of cheating, even if they say that they're joking, probably dealing with some insecure feelings that are going to lead to even more unhealthy behaviors, and so that's something to be aware of.
Speaker 1:
The constant accusal of you're cheating on me, you know, is something that is a warning sign. It's a red flag, but one of the other interesting red flags. This is one that people don't always recognize right away, but all of the research data supports that. Jealousy often also shows itself where, when one spouse is getting ready to go out for the evening, whether it's with their spouse or alone the jealous spouse will pick a fight with them Specifically, so they feel so bad about what's going on, they don't want to stay at that event. They want to come home to them, and so picking a fight anytime you're getting ready to go out, as weird as that is, tends to be a pretty consistent behavior of a jealous person.
Speaker 2:
That's interesting. I think that's very destructive behavior. That's not usually attached to the emotion of jealousy.
Speaker 1:
Right, but the whole concept is, if I can make them miserable enough, they won't want to go out at all or they won't have a good time, so they'll come home sooner.
Speaker 2:
Which falls under the compelled to control your spouse's behavior Right.
Speaker 1:
Control, manipulate that kind of thing, and we see that again the control feature, the control feeling, emotion has to do with. I want to hold on so tightly to what I have that what we don't realize is you know you don't want to lose it, but you end up choking your spouse and you don't realize that. And so the next sign is any way that you may be trying to control your spouse's behavior, you know, telling them what they should wear, telling them which places they should go, or manipulating their behavior.
Speaker 1:
Manipulating their behavior, controlling the things that are going on, is a sign that you may be dealing with some jealousy, but one of the ones that you may have seen faster. If you feel like your spouse needs to give you every single detail of what they've done since the last time you saw them Whether it was they went to the store and they've been gone for an hour, or they went to work and they've been gone for eight hours you feel like they have to tell you every detail of their day. Or if you're the one who's helping your spouse, your spouse constantly wants you to give them every single detail of their day and you're not really sure what that means, what that looks like, because you just had a normal, average day that was pretty forgetful or pretty unmemorable. And if you have an unmemorable day and a jealous spouse is like no, no, no, what happened next, it becomes a real issue. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:
I can see where it would become a real issue.
Speaker 1:
It's just not a normal day and so if you have to provide details on every single thing you did, it could be a sign that you're dealing with some jealousy issues. But one of the other issues that surprised me and again as I was researching for this after our wonderful interview I was so grateful for the interview that we had, knowing that there's hope that you can come out of it. But one of the things that surprised me as I was researching was a lot of people who are dealing with jealous situations in a social setting where there's multiple people so the jealous spouse is with their spouse with five, six, seven other people. They will act like they don't care at all. They will completely withdraw from the conversation so that the spouse will withdraw as well and go with them, and so it looks like complete apathy. It looks like they don't care at all in social situations, but often that's motivated by jealousy. I don't want you to talk to them, so I'm not going to talk to them and then you'll stop.
Speaker 2:
Which sounds to me like manipulation.
Speaker 1:
It absolutely is, and so there are some things that again. All of these start with something that's cute. It's sweet Look how much they love me but it can become unhealthy in a hurry. This last little sign that I want to look at is one that started awesome and when you were dating, you loved it, but then all of a sudden it becomes really weird. And I'm not talking about this next sign in general. In general, you should do this. I'll explain it in a minute, but you will know what I'm talking about when it just feels manipulative and weird.
Speaker 1:
One of the signs that you may be dealing with jealousy is if you feel the need to constantly, every day, win over your spouse. Every day, you feel like you have to win them over, or if your spouse is every day trying to win you over. Now, that was awesome and you should always do that. You should always let them know that they are the greatest person in your life. You should always let them know that you love them dearly. But you'll know the difference when it just feels wonky and weird and forced and controlling. Should you give your spouse gifts? Absolutely. Should you give your spouse gifts so that they do what you want? No, should you compliment your spouse because they're awesome and you love them? Of course you should. Should you do it so that you can pull them away from other people, including their families? Now see this particular. It doesn't become a problem. This particular behavior doesn't become a problem until the winning over is.
Speaker 1:
Compelled by failure and it's also isolating when all of those things I won you over you need to just be with me pulls you away from your friends, pulls you away from your work and, especially, pulls you away from your family. We're dealing with some manipulative control motivated by jealousy. That can be incredibly unhealthy, and you may not even recognize it until you're isolated from absolutely everybody else. Who could tell you this isn't normal.
Speaker 2:
Right, and I think that's the time that you need to reach out and get some help. It's not a failure to need to call somebody to come alongside and kind of bear that burden.
Speaker 1:
And so we do want to remind you that jealousy, when it's selfless, the way God does, it is good, you're mine and just mine, and I want to keep you forever. That's an awesome thing. But when it is selfish, it starts to demonstrate unhealthy behaviors that can really cause problems in your relationship. Now the good news is there's help. The good news is there are things we can do. We're going to be looking at those next week. We want to make sure that you know that there can be some things that will change the negative behaviors and still give you the opportunity to express in a healthy way your mind, and I want to keep you in my life forever.
Speaker 2:
And if you're just catching this episode as your first episode, I would encourage you to jump back to last week. Listen to our episode with Shannon Bryant. She is a really she's a jealousy expert. She's a relationship coach and she has some great personal insight on overcoming jealousy. And it was a really good interview.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely, and if this podcast was somehow a help to you, leave a review. Where you listen to your podcasts, go ahead and rate us, give a review and share with your friends that this is available, because we have a desire to see marriages really thrive, not just survive. We want to see your marriage become what it can be, in a way that will absolutely blow your mind. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:
And so we're dug into.
Speaker 1:
Leslie Davis. This is the Vision Driven Marriage podcast and we continue to pray that God will solidify your marriage.