Jealousy can be a silent saboteur in the strongest of marriages, yet it's a topic many couples shy away from discussing. Join us, Doug and Leslie Davis, as we courageously tackle this subject with five steps to overcome jealousy in relationships. Together, we untangle the complex web of emotions that fuel jealousy in relationships, illuminating a path to self-awareness and open, healing dialogue. Whether you’re struggling with your own green-eyed monster or are supporting a partner through their battle, we offer a strategy for understanding and surmounting the obstacles that threaten trust and love in your relationship.
In our conversation, we lay out actionable steps to safeguard your union from the erosion of jealousy in relationships. Discover the profound role of prayer in seeking divine intervention to confront emotional triggers and learn how gratitude, forgiveness, and contentment can become your allies against the tide of negative feelings. If the journey seems daunting, fear not; we underscore the invaluable role of professional support from counselors and coaches who can pave the way for couples to embark on this voyage of growth and reconciliation. Embark with us as we explore how to maintain a marriage where both partners feel truly valued and secure, free from the shackles of jealousy.
Jealousy can be a silent saboteur in the strongest of marriages, yet it's a topic many couples shy away from discussing. Join us, Doug and Leslie Davis, as we courageously tackle this subject with five steps to overcome jealousy in relationships. Together, we untangle the complex web of emotions that fuel jealousy in relationships, illuminating a path to self-awareness and open, healing dialogue. Whether you’re struggling with your own green-eyed monster or are supporting a partner through their battle, we offer a strategy for understanding and surmounting the obstacles that threaten trust and love in your relationship.
In our conversation, we lay out actionable steps to safeguard your union from the erosion of jealousy in relationships. Discover the profound role of prayer in seeking divine intervention to confront emotional triggers and learn how gratitude, forgiveness, and contentment can become your allies against the tide of negative feelings. If the journey seems daunting, fear not; we underscore the invaluable role of professional support from counselors and coaches who can pave the way for couples to embark on this voyage of growth and reconciliation. Embark with us as we explore how to maintain a marriage where both partners feel truly valued and secure, free from the shackles of jealousy.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage. Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis, and today we're going to continue to look at jealousy. This week we're going to be looking at overcoming jealousy and the things that you can do to make steps in the right direction to strengthen your marriage, when you've been dealing with the unhealthiness of jealous behavior.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely. So we're going to look at a few things and the biblical background behind them to help you solidify your marriage when you're dealing with jealousy or a jealous spouse.
Speaker 1:
Right, and even though this list could be gigantic, we're just going to look at a few things Again, pointing you in a direction that we know can be a positive step. Whether you are dealing with some jealous feelings of your own, or if your spouse is and you're coming alongside your spouse, it's something that will help you as a couple. So, first of all, one of the things that we would recommend that you do when you have recognized jealousy in your marriage is to trace those feelings back to their source, to develop some self-awareness.
Speaker 2:
And one of the best ways to do this is to take those feelings before the Lord and pray over them, pray through them and allow the Lord to show you the truth about them, because more often than not, you're probably believing something that isn't true. And when you're believing something that's not true, the Lord is very quick to replace that lie with the truth. And when we pray for wisdom and for knowledge, he is very quick to provide those things that we need to have.
Speaker 1:
And the things that we deal with. We talked a little bit in the last episode about some of the things that might be at the root. Again, we're not making any assumptions of what's at the root of the jealousy that you may be dealing with or that your spouse may be dealing with, but often it's going to be fear or insecurity. It could even be, where you're dealing with, a paranoia and, regardless of what the issue is, when you ask God to show you, he will shine light into that dark place where you may have no idea.
Speaker 1:
I have no idea why I respond this way. I have no idea why I feel the way I do, but finding that God will show you at least the first place that you need to look to understand it so you can trace it back to its source. It's going to help you because you may have a trigger you're not even aware of and when the trigger hits, that's when the jealousy comes out. Whether it was some kind of an abandonment issue from your childhood can lead to real jealousy because relationships then you feel like you have to hold onto them so tightly. You're afraid you might squeeze them.
Speaker 2:
One of the things about tracing it back to the source is that the Lord has made us as emotional beings, and I've often heard us compared our emotional being, compared to onions as opposed to bananas.
Speaker 1:
Everybody likes parfaits. I see parfaits Got layers.
Speaker 2:
Right, I have two layers, right, but that's not it. We're more like onions where there's layers. And so when you are working to trace the source of jealousy, to trace it back to its roots, the Lord is going to take that layer by layer, because a lot of times it's seated in deep, deep hurt, in places that we might not have addressed for a long time, or you might not, but you might have trouble working toward or a fear about getting to that place. But, understanding that, working hand in hand with the Lord, there's nothing to fear there, because he always wants what's good for you.
Speaker 1:
Right and that self-awareness. You may not be consciously aware at all of what it is right now, but if you are able to take a moment to start to trace it back, to try to work on some self-awareness, we know that that will be a healthy thing for you. You might not be able to do it alone, you might not be able to do it on your own. We'll get to that in a minute.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely. And the second thing is to voice your concerns First, like we were talking about you, voice those concerns to the Lord, but then be willing to voice your concerns to your spouse. Whether you're the one that's coming to your spouse and saying I'm afraid that I'm too jealous and that it is stifling our relationship, Could you please come alongside of me and help? Or if you're the spouse who has a jealous spouse and you come to them and say, hey, I think this behavior is motivated by a place of hurt and a place of insecurity and a place of anxiety that's stifling our relationship. Can we please talk about that?
Speaker 1:
And, as you voice your concerns, be as to the point as you can be during the times when you have open conversation and open communication. That's healthy. Here's what I mean by that. If you're the spouse who has a jealous spouse, so the jealousy is something that you're experiencing you can say my concern is that, even though I've been trustworthy in my behavior, you still don't trust me. So that's my concern is that you're constantly wanting me to prove something that's never been violated yet. So I'm concerned about that. Be as open as you can, as direct, about whatever it is that you're feeling to Now. If you're the spouse who's dealing with jealousy issues, be open with your spouse as well. Just go ahead and tell them. Here's how I feel, and I know that I shouldn't feel this way and I feel like I can't control it. I feel like I can't help it. You know, whatever it is that you're dealing with, be as honest as you can be. It's going to draw you closer together in the midst of being able to overcome the jealousy issue.
Speaker 2:
Now the first two things that we've talked about. One of them is internal work and the other one is external work, and a lot of times we need someone to come alongside of us and help us. So that brings us to point number three, and that is to don't be afraid to talk to a counselor or a coach, because they're available and that's what they're out there for. Like I know, in my counseling ministry and my coaching ministry, the Lord has put a burden on my heart to help people, and so understanding that you're not alone, or you don't have to be alone in that struggle is really a key thing. And reach out to people, reach out to Shannon Bryant, for example, and if you don't know who I'm talking about, go back to episodes and listen to the first episode that dropped in March. Shannon Bryant is a coach that deals specifically with jealousy, because she came out of a place of jealousy and she's overcome that in her relationship and now she's helping people do the same thing.
Speaker 1:
And you know the old stigma of not being willing to ask for help is something that you know. Don't let that keep you from growing where you need to grow. Don't let that help you from healing where you need to heal. Counselors don't want to label you. They want to help you. Coaches don't want to sell you a program. They want to help you. And so understand that a lot of the things people used to believe falsely. It's just not so. You can find some really talented, wonderful, godly people who will come alongside you and help you through this process, because you may not be able to have the self-awareness you want to have yet, you may not be able to have the open communication to voice your concerns the way you want to, yet these are the people who can help you through that process.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, absolutely. I think I say absolutely too much. That's kind of like saying that'll preach in church, right, All right. So what's point number four?
Speaker 1:
Point number four is to put into practice some really important godly healings. And here's what practice gratitude, practice forgiveness and practice contentment. Now, jealousy with all of those things. It stirs the focus where the things that we should be grateful for we struggle to be grateful in the moment of jealousy. We struggle to forgive in a moment of jealousy. We struggle to be content in a moment of jealousy.
Speaker 1:
Now we do want to make sure remember from last episode, jealousy and envy are different, and contentment is a thing that shows up as often or more often, when we're dealing with envy, but it shows up in jealousy as well. And so practicing gratitude is more than just feeling gratitude. When you practice gratitude, the things that you recognize that you're truly thankful for in your marriage if you're the spouse who's dealing with jealousy, say those things out loud, demonstrate your gratefulness on purpose, because what that will do is that will help to quiet the part of your jealousy that wants to do negative things. Because, remember, there's a godly jealousy that's focused on your spouse. That's a demonstration of love, but the ungodly jealousy that's focused on yourself is where all the hurt comes in. Practicing gratitude helps to squelch that.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and it works both ways. I mean, if you are the spouse of someone who is jealous, you know practicing gratitude and forgiveness and commitment in your relationships is something that's going to solidify that relationship and bring you two together, even when you're dealing with abnormal feelings of jealousy.
Speaker 1:
Right and practicing forgiveness is huge because, as you begin this process of saying we want to do things differently than we've been doing them, it's going to be like any other thing that you've ever learned. You're going to make steps that are going to be productive steps, but you're going to slip and fall in the process. You didn't learn to walk overnight. You fell down a lot and you cried. This won't be any different than that. You're going to get good at it, but you only get good at it when you do it and you're going to fall while you're starting the process of doing it. So, practicing forgiveness both from if you're the one who's dealing with jealousy, practicing forgiveness is going to be key, but also if you're the spouse who is receiving jealousy towards you, practicing forgiveness is going to be key. It's going to help you learn to walk Right.
Speaker 2:
that jealousy is going to hurt, right. It's funny, I was listening to a coach not too long ago and they were talking about being in familiar territory and unfamiliar territory. And I think this is a really key point here, because when you're talking about practicing gratitude and you're not used to practicing gratitude, it's going to feel fake, Right. It's like, oh, that's not who I am and I don't want to be this fake person. I'm saying all these things about you know, saying that I'm thankful, you know, and I've never done that before, so it just feels really fake. Well, the thing is is that if you truly are thankful for that something, then it's not fake, it's just unfamiliar, Right. And when you're in unfamiliar territory, you need to practice that until it's familiar territory, Right? I just thought that was just so profound. I'm like, yeah, it's not fake, it's just unfamiliar.
Speaker 1:
That's exactly true, and the thing that becomes the blessing is you're feeling the gratitude anyway. You're just not practicing it, and so don't let the lack of, or don't let the phrase I've never done it this way before stop you, because what's the whole purpose? What are we trying to do? We're trying to do things differently than we've done them before. By definition, you're going to do things you've never done before.
Speaker 2:
Right and it's gonna feel unfamiliar.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
So number five.
Speaker 1:
Number five learn in the moment coping techniques. Now, in the moment, this is going to be really hard. We talked earlier about self-awareness. We talked earlier about being able to voice your concerns back and forth to one another. Those are going to need to take place before the fifth recommendation can be logically and realistically put into place, Because in the moment only works if you've become a little bit self-aware of what you do in the moment.
Speaker 1:
And you can only fix some things if you've heard from your spouse what their concerns have been in that moment.
Speaker 2:
Right. And the thing about those in the moment skills is that you don't practice them in the moment, because if you don't practice them outside of the moment, you're not going to get them in the moment.
Speaker 1:
Because you've got so much adrenaline going and so much passion that you're going to go back to what you've always done. To me, it's like the reason why we do fire drills. Kids think it's ridiculous. Why do we have fire drills?
Speaker 2:
So, in the moment, you know what to do.
Speaker 1:
And I've been the guy who refuses to let them slack off in the fire drill. And I had a kid ask me why do you make us do it? What you say is the right way when we do a fire drill? And I told them because if there's ever a fire, you're not going to be thinking clearly, you're just going to do what you've been practicing. So we have to practice it right, because if there's ever a fire, I don't want you to be in a bad spot and so we practice it the right way. That's what Leslie is talking about. We practice these in the moment skills before the moment happens, so that we have a better chance in the moment of actually doing them.
Speaker 2:
One of the things that Shannon Bryant talked about, that in the moment skill was box breathing. Yes, and it's one of those things that you practice outside of the moment so that when you're in the moment and you're being compelled to, whatever the behavior is, you know check the phone, follow up, or check social media or follow up with something that's been said, whatever the behavior is right.
Speaker 1:
Tell them to stay home because you don't want them to leave, whatever it is.
Speaker 2:
Whatever the behavior is and you're feeling this rise of anxiety and this rise of insecurity that's motivating this jealousy. Practicing box breathing in that moment is what's going to help you relieve the physiological symptoms of that anxiety. And guess what? You can't learn how to box breathe in the moment. It doesn't work.
Speaker 1:
No, no, it's kind of like you know the whole reason that you learn Lamaze before you deliver, but more you without the baby. It's because in the moment. I'm just telling you in the moment you're not going to learn that Right.
Speaker 2:
So the first part of you know learning the in the moment coping skills is to recognize that you've been triggered, that jealousy has taken control, that you have that compelling that is out of control, that you no longer in control of, and that you need something in that moment to deescalate.
Speaker 1:
Right, and to recognize in the moment is a huge step forward. A lot of you are able to recognize your jealous behavior after the sledgehammer has been swung, you know after the actions have taken place, but recognizing it in the moment is an amazing thing. And so then, once you recognize, one of the other things for you to concentrate on in the moment is now that I see I'm dealing with some jealousy behaviors that I don't want to do. I need to refocus, because the way my brain's been wired in the past leads me to do behaviors I don't want to do anymore.
Speaker 2:
I have to refocus because when we're triggered, a lot of times we're focusing on the emotion that's coming out when we're triggered and that leaves us detached from the current situation or the current circumstances and we're not able to look at the evidence of the current situation or the current circumstance in order to evaluate what the proper emotional reaction would be to that situation.
Speaker 1:
Right. And so then, after you recognize and you refocus, one of the other things that's really helpful in the moment is to remember and here's what we're talking about If you're feeling like they might want to be with somebody else instead of me, you can remember that this morning your spouse said I'm so grateful that I have you. You can remember the things that prove that those feelings you're having haven't been demonstrated by your spouse and that can help you be able to stifle and curb the feelings of jealousy so that the behavior that comes from it is not what it always used to be in the past.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, exactly, and knowing that the example of the current situation doesn't reflect the level of emotion that you're experiencing, like that's a big sign that that you're triggered.
Speaker 1:
Right, you know. And so recognizing, refocusing and remembering are just categories. There's lots of different ways to do each of those three, but they're categories that can truly be put into coping skills in the moment that will allow the feelings of jealousy that you've always had to have, behaviors that are different from what you've always had, and that's huge.
Speaker 2:
Hey friend, I wanted to jump in here before we finish up and let you know that today's episode is brought to you by the vision-driven marriage monthly email newsletter. Did you know that we have the joy and the honor to touch so many lives on a monthly basis? With each email the last Friday of the month, we reach out to provide you with direct access to all of the month's podcast episodes. We provide fun and helpful resources and you'll learn a little bit more about Doug and I and our journey. If you're not receiving these gifts, I would love to get you signed up.
Speaker 2:
Currently, I'm sending a printable guide to everyone who subscribes. It will help you as you begin the journey of praying with your spouse. It outlines 10 of the most common things to overcome when you begin this journey and I would love to send it to you. Don't worry, if you're already in the vision-driven marriage email community, you can still get the guide. You'll find the link in the show notes. So let's recap what we've talked about today. The first one in overcoming jealousy is to trace it back to its source, to have a level of self-awareness, to know when you're triggered. Number two is to voice your concerns. Both directions Both spouse needs to just take some time and some sacred space.
Speaker 2:
You know, that there's no judgment there, calmly Right and voice your concerns about the behavior and the feelings that are transpiring in the relationship. Three is talk to a coach or a counselor. Have somebody come alongside of you. There's no shame in that and in fact it may make it completely easier to step out and work on some of these difficulties. Number four is practice, gratitude, forgiveness and contentment. And number five is to learn in the moment coping techniques outside of the moment.
Speaker 1:
Right and then, as you do those things, all of these categories together we want to encourage you to either continue with or begin to develop trust. We know that a lot of the jealousy issues stem from a belief that I can't trust, even if the behaviors have been trustworthy. So, through all of this process, can either continue or begin the process of developing trust and have open communication. Talk to each other about what makes you feel what way. Talk to each other about every single thing in this process to realize we're going through this together. We're not doing it by ourselves. Now to do all of that, you're going to need to lean in to kindness and you're going to need to lean in to love. There's a reason why the Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. You know, when you're dealing with the hurt that comes from an issue like inappropriate behavior that stems from jealousy, you can see that love can truly help you. Come together as a couple as you're working to make it different than it's been before.
Speaker 2:
And likewise, love can create a safe place for the person who suffers from overwhelming jealousy, right to Press into a relationship and have a place to heal, mm-hmm because we really, as we've been studying this, looking at this and and Just praying about what?
Speaker 1:
what exactly is the? Is it that we need to learn about jealousy? What is it that you all need to learn about jealousy? One of the things that really stood out to me is that what motivates love and Motivates jealousy? They both start in the same place. They just take a different path, and so you know, leaning into that love that starts in that place that's the healthy place takes a different path from jealousy.
Speaker 2:
That's really what the jealous person is craving in the first place Absolutely right, but it does, leaning into that love and that kindness and, in your relationship, being so Christ-like that the love that you have for your spouse is selfless, that creates that space for that safe space for a spouse to heal from the Childhood hurts that could be motivating the jealousy to start with right and being able to look at these ideas To recognize that this may be something that would help us.
Speaker 1:
We hope and pray that that's something that truly helped you. If it did, we ask that you, go to wherever you listen, to your podcasts and that you would rate this podcast and that you'd like it, tell your friends about it and continue to tune in to hear more and more and more about the things that the God has laid on our hearts, about marriage in general, but you know, as the specific things that help you really make a difference in your lives, share those things with others absolutely.
Speaker 1:
This is the vision-driven marriage podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis and we continue to pray that God will solidify your marriage.