Rescuing Your Marriage from the Brink: Randy Pryor's Guide to Reconnection and Personal Growth
May 03, 2024
Doug & Leslie Davis
Have you ever felt the ground beneath your marriage start to crumble, leaving you scrambling for a foothold? Randy Pryor joins us to extend a lifeline, introducing his SOS Reconnection Method for men facing separation head on. As a former workaholic whose marriage was torn apart, Randy transformed his life and now guides others through the labyrinth of marital disconnect. His approach eschews quick fixes in favor of a journey toward lasting change, emphasizing the need for husbands to genuinely become the best versions of themselves and work to understand and validate their wives' feelings.
This episode peels back the layers of communication and understanding between spouses, showing how embracing differences is crucial to bridging the emotional gap. Randy casts a new light on the art of reconnection, illustrating the potency showing genuine care for your wife through well-crafted text messages and the importance of becoming the best version of oneself. He reminds us that true connection doesn't come from grand gestures but from everyday acts of thoughtfulness and a deep respect for our partner's individuality. His insights offer both a mirror and a map for those ready to navigate the path back to a shared vision of love and commitment.
As we wrap up, we're left with a powerful reminder that the cornerstone of a resilient marriage lies in personal growth. Randy's experiences invite us to foster our own spiritual and personal development, which not only enriches our own lives but also serves as a catalyst for positive change within our relationships. He leaves us with a treasure trove of wisdom and practical resources for anyone longing to rebuild and strengthen the bonds of matrimony. Join us, Doug and Leslie Davis, as we share these transformative lessons, offering hope and actionable advice for a vision-driven, lifelong love.
Randy Pryor: "I'd love to offer a free Reconnection Planning Session to all of (The Vision-Driven Marriage) listeners and viewers. The link is on my website: RandyPryor.com in the "Contact" section. Or, . . . book that call directly right here: http://Hope4SH.com/call"
Have you ever felt the ground beneath your marriage start to crumble, leaving you scrambling for a foothold? Randy Pryor joins us to extend a lifeline, introducing his SOS Reconnection Method for men facing separation head on. As a former workaholic whose marriage was torn apart, Randy transformed his life and now guides others through the labyrinth of marital disconnect. His approach eschews quick fixes in favor of a journey toward lasting change, emphasizing the need for husbands to genuinely become the best versions of themselves and work to understand and validate their wives' feelings.
This episode peels back the layers of communication and understanding between spouses, showing how embracing differences is crucial to bridging the emotional gap. Randy casts a new light on the art of reconnection, illustrating the potency showing genuine care for your wife through well-crafted text messages and the importance of becoming the best version of oneself. He reminds us that true connection doesn't come from grand gestures but from everyday acts of thoughtfulness and a deep respect for our partner's individuality. His insights offer both a mirror and a map for those ready to navigate the path back to a shared vision of love and commitment.
As we wrap up, we're left with a powerful reminder that the cornerstone of a resilient marriage lies in personal growth. Randy's experiences invite us to foster our own spiritual and personal development, which not only enriches our own lives but also serves as a catalyst for positive change within our relationships. He leaves us with a treasure trove of wisdom and practical resources for anyone longing to rebuild and strengthen the bonds of matrimony. Join us, Doug and Leslie Davis, as we share these transformative lessons, offering hope and actionable advice for a vision-driven, lifelong love.
Randy Pryor: "I'd love to offer a free Reconnection Planning Session to all of (The Vision-Driven Marriage) listeners and viewers. The link is on my website: RandyPryor.com in the "Contact" section. Or, . . . book that call directly right here: http://Hope4SH.com/call"
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 3:
Welcome, my friends, to this episode of the Vision Driven Marriage podcast, where we encourage and equip you for lifelong love. Today, we're honored to introduce to you Randy Pryor, a pillar of strength and the author of the SOS Reconnection Method. Randy's unwavering dedication to helping separated husbands find their way back to love and connection is both inspiring and invaluable. Our conversation today promises to uplift and empower those who may be facing similar challenges. So grab a cup of coffee or your favorite beverage and settle in and prepare to be moved by Randy's wisdom and encouragement to never give up on love.
Speaker 2:
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis, and today we're joined by Randy Pryor. Randy helps husbands whose wives have said I'm done, randy, welcome, we're glad you're with us today.
Speaker 1:
Thank you so much. I am very excited to be here.
Speaker 2:
Well, I'm excited to hear about what that message really looks like. I know you've written a book, but the concept of husbands who are finding themselves in a position where they're either separated or they might soon be and being completely caught off guard by it is not a new phenomenon. It's been going on for a long time, so let us know a little bit about the insight that you have in this situation.
Speaker 1:
Sure, absolutely. I was married for about 14 years and had it all wife and kids, and multiple businesses and all the stuff that the world will say that we're a success, right, right. And I used to be for about 40-year career now. I was a comedy juggler and magician on cruise ships and all over the world and traveled everywhere and we had a great time doing that and that was a lot of fun. But when my wife and I decided to have kids, we got off the ships and came home right, so we're on land and that kind of well. It kind of pushed me into overdrive.
Speaker 1:
So I became a workaholic, didn't realize it. Right, I just wanted to provide for the kids. In fact, that's what the world teaches us If you want to be a good husband, you need to become a good provider, and that's what we learn, but unfortunately, most of us, that's all we learn. So I did that and I, you know, I dove into work and I did everything and I provided for the family. And after 14 years my wife came to me and said, hey, listen, I don't love you anymore, I want a divorce.
Speaker 1:
And it threw me for a loop. I mean, it was the most painful thing ever. So I went to my church and they had a support group for separated guys and I dove in and I learned all kinds of things that I should have been doing all along, but I just didn't know about Right, and that's where it started. Matter of fact, six months later they asked me to become a leader, and that was 14 and a half years ago, and I'm still there. They asked me to become a leader, and that was 14 and a half years ago, and I'm still there.
Speaker 2:
So it's, it's again the phrase is I knew it was bad, but I didn't think it was that bad. Right, I can't tell you how many times that I've heard exactly that phrase. You know, I knew it was bad, but I didn't realize it was this bad. And and so many times guys are caught off guard because, as you said, we have this innate desire to provide and the world is telling us that the way that you do, that, the right way, is to provide financially. And so we throw ourselves into work and it can often work out very badly. And so you know, what would you tell a guy who has just recently been caught off guard by the concept of my wife wants to separate. Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1:
it's really hard, it's really really painful because it's so out of the blue. It seems like I had a left field for us, right? So when someone would have an argument, that's one thing. When there's a separation, when they kick us out or they leave or something, it's an actual separation. The time for talking about it is past. That's gone. It's no longer on the boards, right? She's saying. In fact, she's saying two things. She's saying I can't stand the way it is and I can't imagine that it will ever change permanently. Right, those are two major things. Now, that doesn't mean that it can't change or get better. It just means that right now she can't imagine it. And that's based on her personal experience with her husband.
Speaker 3:
That may be after years of feeling alone and isolated in, you know, in the relationship, and then on top of that, when there's no, no acknowledgement or validation of those feelings, you know, then that does become her experience, right.
Speaker 1:
Right, absolutely. And unfortunately, guys think that if they they put a bandaid on it, they buy her flowers, they tell them they're sorry, they do all this stuff Right, and it backfires because it just shows that he doesn't get it, he's not understanding this Right. So this is kind of this is kind of harsh, but here's the reality. Her biggest fear is that he does change and they get back together and it's wonderful for a while and it slides right back to the way it used to be. That's her biggest fear. And then it slides right back to the way it used to be. That's her biggest fear.
Speaker 1:
So you know, if you're watching this right now, if you're separated I've got some news for you and it's not pretty, but here it is. Here's the truth. Okay, your wife is not coming back to you and I know that's harsh, but your wife is not coming back to you. She may go forward with you, but she's not going backwards into the old, dead, broken, irreparable marriage. And that's again based on her experience. Why would she come back to what she already knows is broken?
Speaker 3:
So all you got to do is change it. But I love that message though, because there's still hope in that Right. She might not be coming back to that broken relationship, but that doesn't mean that it can't be changed and she still might move forward. You know, absolutely, it's a whole message.
Speaker 2:
Right, right, oh, absolutely. Miracles happen all the time. But we know communication often is one of the things that breaks down pretty early, when you struggle to be able to even recognize the problem the same way as your spouse does. But I look at how the very things that cause us to come together in the first place can end up contributing to the struggles that you've just described, because, even though it's not true in a hundred percent of men, most of us are wired to to fix problems and we need to. We need to acknowledge that and talk about that and and I know that there was an episode probably six months ago where I was sharing that one of the struggles that I had early on in our marriage was Leslie had a terrible day and she needed to cry, and while she was telling me about her terrible day, I was formulating all the solutions to fix the problem that caused her terrible day and it was not at all what she needed.
Speaker 2:
But I'm just being blunt, I had no idea what she needed. I was blessed enough where she told me early on that's not what I need you to do, I don't need you to fix this and so, and that was, that was a great thing. But then I look at how so many women have this same kind of innate wiring, but theirs is for security, whether they provide it for themselves and a lot of women do provide that for themselves or if it's provided through their relationship. And so the combination of us going out trying to fix everything but then not really understanding what causes the security I've seen so many times where that's a struggle and so many times where I had a near collision in my own relationship because I didn't understand the struggle. So what would you tell somebody who's at that place where they know how they're made but they don't know what they need to be able to move forward? What advice would you give?
Speaker 1:
them. Yeah Well, obviously as a quick review, because we all know this, but I'll say it out loud men and women are made differently. Yes, we are.
Speaker 3:
Thank you.
Speaker 1:
We're just different. Right, there's a lot of benefits in that, right?
Speaker 1:
Well, of course, of course. Right, he doesn't make any mistakes. But he made men for the and again, generally speaking, men got the logic and the need to fix things. That's like in our DNA, right? Okay, that's why it works for us everywhere else. Like in your job, okay, you do your job, you get paid. Pretty simple, right. If you don't do your job, you don't get paid. Okay, that's pretty black and white for us and that's how we kind of relate. Women, on the other hand, as you know, emotions, nurturing, intuition, really great stuff. But that's not how we're built. So we try to communicate from our understanding and not from theirs. Okay, so it's simply two different perspectives.
Speaker 1:
I'll give you a quick little illustration, one of my favorite um uh, husband and wife go outside and the wife says what a beautiful green sky. And the husband says it is a beautiful sky, but it's blue. And she says no, no, no, the sky we're under right now. He says yeah, it's, it's blue. Hang on a second, bob, bill, come, come here. What color is the sky? And they say it's blue, why? And they look over where the wife used to be and there's a big puff of smoke because she's gone. She doesn't want to be told that she's wrong. And the answer is not blue or green. The answer is isn't that amazing? You see green and I see blue. It's just two different perspectives. Right, it doesn't. Being a man and having having the, the logic, you know, kind of stuff in me, I had to get over the idea that it had to be right or wrong.
Speaker 3:
Yes, it's not a right or wrong thing, it's not.
Speaker 1:
And it's hard for us to um, to relate to that. It's kind of like when, oh boy, if a guy is at a table and there's a big puzzle with all the pieces right, and it's all made, it's all done except for two pieces of the puzzle, and they're in my hands, I've got the two pieces. I'm not allowed to put the pieces in there. No, it's not. You have to consider that the puzzle is finished like it is and these two pieces, they're just extra. Oh, it drives guys crazy.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, it would drive anybody crazy. It'd probably drive a lot of females crazy too. I think a lot of the times what I see too, the dynamic going on between a husband and a wife is it's not about right and wrong, but it's you have to be like me you know, and we're not like each other.
Speaker 3:
But I want you to be more like me. I want you to be more emotional, I want you to be more connective, I want you to be. You know all the things and likewise, you know women being more logical. Well, we're not logical. I mean, we're logical, yes, Like we're logical but our initial reaction may be emotional before it's logical.
Speaker 2:
Right, and we think. We think we want our spouse to be more like us. The reality is we don't. What drew us together in the first place was that we're so much better together, but those very things that we love about one another can frustrate us to no end, and so one of the things that's beautiful about that, though, is we get to the same place, but we do it very differently, very differently. You know, men tend again to say show me the problem, I'll fix it. Now, where, often, I know that Leslie in particular. She sees things I don't see. She understands the way somebody's feeling when all I want to do is help them, and she understands the way that it will impact them in the long run. Where I don't see any of that, again, I'm just. You know, let's solve the problem, and that by itself is a good thing. Problem is, we don't. If we don't communicate that difference, well, we are really going to struggle.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, right, right. And I agree with Dr. I think it was Stephen Covey who said people don't listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply. And I was guilty as any other guy out there. I don't know why, but I thought it was a good thing that, while she's describing the issue, I'm already coming up with the answer, I'm already come up with a fix, and it was stupid, but I didn't know. That's what works everywhere else, right? So I'm a big fan of the idea that any two people can solve or at least manage anything, any issue or problem, as long as they're on the same page. Right now, if you're going through separation, not only are you not on the same page, you're not even in the same book, and if divorce is on the table, you're not even in the same library. So we got to get you guys back on the same page, and that has nothing to do with convincing her, talking her into something. Those days are gone.
Speaker 3:
What are the first steps for that? What would you tell someone who's who you're you're coaching through?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that's a great question, Believe it or not. If your goal is to, let's say, get back together with your wife, the best way to do that is to let go of the idea that you can fix this right. After doing this for 14 years, I can tell you if you really want to fix this, you got to stop trying to fix this. That's all about manipulation, right? It's about changing her mind. The real way. That here's the first step. First step is you want to change your goal, instead of your goal being how do I get her to, how do I change her mind? How do I? Okay, All that is that's she's God's daughter, so God's got her. You gotta, you gotta give her up to God and say okay, I want to change my goal to becoming the best version of myself that I can be Okay, and that's the first step.
Speaker 1:
It's also the hardest, because guys aren't built that way. I want to fix it. I want to say the right words and give me the magic phrase and that we're back to square one and we're good again. And that's not it, and unfortunately, I mean it's a great goal to have. God wants us to be together, right. He invented marriage and he hates divorce. Right, we understand this, but the best way to get to that point is to stop trying to fix the situation. Instead of focusing on the issues, you want to focus on becoming the best version of yourself as quickly as possible, and that's how we help guys. That's the best way to reach that goal and the quickest way to do that.
Speaker 3:
How would you suggest that a guy who's working on becoming the best version of himself reconnect with his wife? I'm assuming this is something that you outline in your book, which is called the SOS Reconnection Method. So I'm assuming that there's a method right to reconnection.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, sos is very simple. The first S is stop pushing her away. O is open communication. The last S is surround yourself with some godly men who've already gone through it before and can help you get through it right Support and accountability. So that's what that's about. There is a way through this, but that's the only way that I've ever seen. It's not about all these techniques and tricks and no contact, and that's just that's all manipulation way that I've ever seen. It's not about all these techniques and tricks and no contact and that's just that's all manipulation. Right? That's not what. That's not what this is going to. That's not what works.
Speaker 3:
And I love your book. It's less than it costs less than a cup of coffee. It's widely available and I just think that it will be a great help to a lot of people, and so so I'm just going to plug the website. It's randypriorcom, right? The book's available on there and it's $4.99. You're like less than a cup of coffee, you know.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, now I know some of our listeners, though, as they're as they're listening to this, they want to check this out and some of the guys are struggling because they heard you just now and what you said was said was great. It's not about this step-by-step process, it's more than that. The problem is a lot of our listeners right now are saying you know, the guys who are starting to struggle a little bit in their relationship they're saying just tell me what to do and I'll do it, because that's where they're stuck, because that's the way we so often operate. So if somebody's saying, just tell me what to do and I'll do it, how would you respond to them?
Speaker 1:
Okay, great question. The first thing you want to realize is that the goal is not to get her to change her mind or to get her back right. Your wife has to be able to imagine that life with you could be better than it ever was. That's not because of a conversation, that's not because of a promise or good intentions. That's experience, right, that's the experience that got her to say I'm out. So it's only going to be experience that's going to make her want to change her mind, and that's between her and God. So there are some things you can do.
Speaker 1:
One of the things that I highly recommend is something that I started 14 years ago. It's called reconnecting, and it's reconnecting with texts, but it's not about texting as we know it. Texting, as we all know, can be very dangerous. Right, there's no inflection, there's no body language. Somebody types the word no and you don't know if they're mad or what's going on. But we can use texting as a delivery system. If you have the ability to text your wife and she has not told you don't call me, don't text me, leave me alone. Okay, if there's a little bit of wiggle room, then you can. You can open up some conversation using reconnecting. I'll give you a quick example.
Speaker 1:
What I ask my guys to do is create a top 10 list. Okay, first thing you want to do is start with what is she like? What is she into? That you have nothing to do with? It doesn't matter what it is. Business needlepoint, it doesn't matter, right? Let's say that she's into gardening. The first part of the top 10 list would be to make it very specific and very personal to her. So if it's gardening, okay, what kind of gardening? Well, she really loves roses Okay, great Roses. What kind of roses? Blue roses Okay, she loves to garden blue, she loves to grow blue rose, that's her thing. Okay, that's good. Blue roses Okay, she loves to garden blue, she loves to grow blue rose, that's her thing. Okay, that's good. And you come up with nine more things that she's into that you don't have anything to do with, okay. So the first part is make it very specific, very personal for her. Right, it's best. If you have nothing to do with this, okay. So that's the first part. Make it specific and personal.
Speaker 1:
And then, when you're going to send her a text, let's say, you want to make sure that there's no pressure involved, right, when you're sending her a text. It's not about trying to engage her. You're not trying to get her to like you again. That's not part of it right now, right, you just kind of want to let her know that you know her and you're thinking of her and that kind of stuff, without any pressure whatsoever. And then the last part. I call them ground rules to reconnecting.
Speaker 1:
The last part is about frequency. How often do you do these texts? Well, that's more art than science. It's more about when would it be welcome for her to receive one of these texts? Because if you did three in one day, that's a full court press and she's going to think you're like trying way too hard, right? So, once every other day, it depends. Let's say that she loves gardening roses. Okay, if you went to Google and you go to Google news right, it's a separate little area, upper right-hand corner. You click on the little whatever it is. You click Google news and you put in blue roses. Well, all these articles are going to come up and they're pretty fresh, they're pretty, you know, pretty current and, being a good husband, you, you go through them and you see, oh, this is, this is one. She's really going to like this article, right, but your heart has to be pure. This is not about trying to change her mind or convince her of anything.
Speaker 3:
It's not a technique Right Right.
Speaker 1:
Right, that's no good and God knows our heart, so it has to be pure, right. So you say, okay, I think she'll like this one, and you grab the URL and you text it to her, but all you say is check this out, that's it. It's one way. You don't expect a reply. It's not about trying to get something from her. It's more of a gift, it's more of a little present right Now. This is a way that you can demonstrate that you're thinking of her, but without the pressure of I'm thinking of you. You don't add the pressure of I love you, I miss you. We should work on this together. Pressure of I love you, I miss you. We should work on this together. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's nothing but pressure. Right, okay, but if you're creating a top 10 list and, by the way, most guys can do three off the top of their head and they start to struggle and I think of three more and there's four more to go, oh my gosh, a lot of people can't even come up with that.
Speaker 3:
Well, that's your first clue that you don't know your wife well enough, Right, Right. So you should know Husbands. If you're listening to this and you're not separated, like if you don't, if you can't do your top 10 list, you need to do your top 10 list right now because it's like you know that's a, that's a dangerous place to be, I think, not not knowing your wife and you know what, you know what. The reverse is true too, Like you can. So say that to the wives and say wives if you don't know what your husband's into, then you know something's missing in that connection.
Speaker 3:
You know, like if I didn't know that you like to ride Harleys and watch the Cubs, you know, right, there's the top two on the list, right there, harleys and Cubs, yeah, and watching the Cubs on the list right there, harley's and cubs.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and watching the cubs on harley's.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, now take the bike to chicago right.
Speaker 2:
But so for those of you who are listening to this episode you and you know that this doesn't directly apply to you, but you're listening because you know that it's helpful and it's really good this is your moment for the preemptive attack.
Speaker 3:
Yes.
Speaker 2:
Preemptively Right Preemptively Do a top 10 list of your sales interests and make sure that you're doing those things ahead of time. You don't have to have a struggle to be able to see how you can do things better.
Speaker 1:
Right, hobbies, interest, whatever they're passionate about. If someone were to talk to them about one of these things, they'd kind of light up Okay, Pay attention to that. You know, if you're at Costco and she spends a lot of time in the coffee aisle, maybe coffee's important to her, right, there's all kinds of things out there. Now, what you can send is not just a link to an article, you can send a photo. One of my favorite things is if you go into your own phone and you go into your photo section. You go back as far as you can and you find a picture of your kids when they're very small. But you're not in this photo because it's not about trying to manipulate. You just know that she'd love this photo and the kids were very small or something. And you send her a photo and all you say is look what I found. Again, you're not saying, hey, did you get my text? You're not putting any pressure on her. She got it. She got your text right.
Speaker 1:
Now, if she replies back and gives you a thumbs up or a heart or weren't they amazing, you know, whatever Okay, that's kind of like a green light and this is a good thing to be doing. If she replies back and says what'd you send this to me for? You have to be honest and transparent, and the answer is because I thought you'd like it. That's the truth. Right Now, it has to be done with the right heart. In fact, here's my motto. Here's my motto for everything Just do the next right thing for the right reasons, with the right heart, and leave the outcome to God, because if it's the next right thing, you never have to worry about the outcome.
Speaker 1:
Will she like it? Will it change her mind? Will it help us get back together? That's all manipulation right. God's got this, so don't worry about it If it truly is the next right thing to do and reaching out seems to be like the right thing to do and being kind, right. And, by the way, this little thing that I came to, this reconnecting, it works with everyone with a cell phone, everyone. You can send one to your kids, you can send one to your friends, your neighbors. I mean, think about it. What if I sent one to you? What if, out of the blue, you get a text from me and it's just a link to an article about the Cubs and Harley?
Speaker 3:
It's Harley day at Wrigley Field.
Speaker 1:
Right and you go click what is this? Cause? You know me so you'd go. What is it? Okay, you click the link instantly and there's this article about something that you are into. How does that make you feel?
Speaker 2:
And see, that's the part that I think so exciting. It's one of those hey, they thought about me and it gives you an attitude of thankfulness, right, and so the gratitude, the thankfulness that comes, I think, is one of those things you'd have to fight hard to press down.
Speaker 3:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Because when somebody does something that obviously is unique to you, it makes you feel like you matter, and that's a good thing, right, right, and you put some time in.
Speaker 1:
It's not about the expense of buying her gifts. She's long past that, right. If there's a separation, she doesn't want a gift. And it does feel like a manipulation when you buy her something. One of my guys before he joined the program that, yeah, well, she needed something. So she asked me to buy her a new iPhone. Okay, so he did and she went. Yeah, thanks, now leave me alone, because that's not going to fix it.
Speaker 1:
Buying her stuff isn't, but this kind of stuff is letting because it's personal. It's letting her know that you're paying attention and you're learning more. Right, and to practice it, I would say do this every single day. That's not to her. You do one to your friend, one to her the next day, next day, one to each of your kids, because by the time they're four, they have their own phone. That's actually how I came up with this 14 years ago, when my wife decided we were done and the kids actually were on her side. They didn't want to be with me at all, okay, and I was doing everything wrong. I was badgering my kids, basically putting pressure on them, and they were young, they were like 11 and nine. You know you should spend 50% of the time with your father, and I love you, I miss you and all this pressure. They're thinking what can we do about this? Love you, I miss you and all this pressure and they're thinking what can we do about this.
Speaker 1:
So, so back in the day, I used to work at Disneyland, so I took the kids to Disneyland all the time. It was, you know, daddy and kids day, and they love Disneyland. So when this started to happen, and you know the, the whole thing fell apart and they were not on board with you know, dad at all. I went to Disneyland by myself. I went all the way to the end of the park and there's a little area called Critter Country and I turned around and I noticed that there was no sign anywhere that said Critter Country. So I just took a picture and I sent it to both of my kids.
Speaker 1:
Within five minutes I got a reply and all I said, by the way, is I just sent a picture and I said where am I? That was it. That was the whole text. Five minutes later, my oldest says you're in critter country. Come on, dad, you can do better than that. And it was on For the next two hours. I played a really great game with my kids who didn't want to talk to me at all, right, and we reconnected because the clues just got harder and harder and harder and you know, all the way down to a close-up of a little decoration on a wall or something. And that's how it started and it's so effective. We still do it to this day, 14 years later.
Speaker 3:
Oh, that's fun yeah.
Speaker 1:
It's pretty great.
Speaker 2:
So that works Well. We know that there are a lot of things that will run through the minds of the guys as they're listening to this, realizing that you know there's things that I can do better. How would you encourage somebody who's wanting to get started reconnecting but they're not really sure how to go about it?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I would highly recommend opening your notebook and creating a top 10 list. Find out what your wife is really into, really passionate about, what her likes are, and, again, it shouldn't have anything to do with you. For instance, one of my guys said, well, we love to go camping together. And I said, well, that's not great because that'll make her think that you're trying to manipulate her into thinking about something. We did Right. And another one of my guys was actually surprised when his wife did not reply to his text and I said well, what did you send so? Well, I sent her a picture of the two of us on vacation in Australia a couple of years ago. Well, he thought that was a manipulation. You're trying to get her to think of something. Okay, all that has to go out the window. Your heart has to be right. It has to be because it's the right thing to do. So don't try and get her to think of anything. Make a top 10 list.
Speaker 3:
I like, how, the like, how this the texting or recon what did you, what did you call it?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it's hard. It is hard to say it is. It is hard to say it is, it is. It's really hard Reconnecting.
Speaker 3:
Reconnecting is subtly teaching the art of humility and selflessness, like there's such a selflessness in order to send that type of text. There's this sense of selflessness that has to be present and you know that's a, that's a hard, that's a hard skill to to master, and those that master it will not likely get to the point of separation, right, it's it can also be used as a pre, a preemptive.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely yeah. And if I could encourage people along those same lines, create a poster as big as you can, a wall size poster, and all it has to say is if it's important to you, it's important to me. And for us it has two meanings If it's important to my wife, it's important to me, and if it's important to God, it's important to me. Ok. Well, what do we do with that? Well, basically, what if you woke up every morning and you spent five whole minutes thinking how can I make my wife's life a little better today? Five minutes, okay. Did she lose something? I could help her find it. Is she stressed out? Can I help her get de-stressed? Is there something that I can do instead of I got to go to work, got to make money. If I make a lot of money, then my family knows that I love them. Right, one, two steps.
Speaker 1:
We think that everything in our lives two-step process. Something's broken, let's fix it. That's a two-step process for guys, it's broken, let's fix it. That's what works everywhere else. Right, in your job, whatever you show up to your job, you do your job. They pay you money. Okay, that's good. For women, it's a three-step process. It's not about it's broken, let's fix it In a woman's life if it's broken. That's step one, the middle section. Step two for them is reconnection. You have to reconnect first before you work on the issues, and that's where guys don't. It doesn't make sense to them because we're two step.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, in that middle step. That's, that re's that connection point. That's where trust is built, and if trust isn't built there, then you're not qualified to fix it, you know.
Speaker 1:
Right, right, there'll be no connection. It's kind of like God's sense of humor with sex. Guys feel that, okay, sex means that if we have sex then we'll be connected and we'll feel really connected. That's great. Sex means that if we have sex then we'll be connected and we'll feel really connected. That's great. But God also made women and women know that. Well, unless we're connected, there'll be no sex. So it's reversed, right, and that's why we're on this planet right now, right Before we go home. This is our dress rehearsal to figure this stuff out.
Speaker 2:
Right, right. And again, we started earlier saying that we get to the same place but we go about it a little differently. You just described it really well and I know that our listeners will appreciate understanding that other step. Now some of the guys probably are thinking but I'm not sure I understand how to reconnect with the situation the way my wife does. I'm not sure that I will ever feel the same things my wife feels about it. But one of the things I was really encouraged by and I want to thank you for sharing this, randy was it's not about trying to be like your spouse, it's about being humble enough to recognize what your spouse is dealing with. That's huge, that's gigantic. And so the guys who are thinking I'm not sure that I'll ever feel the same things my spouse is feeling. You don't have to, but you need to be able to acknowledge what she's feeling. You need to be able to humble yourself enough that it's not just jump into fix it mode. You need to acknowledge that middle step.
Speaker 1:
Right, absolutely. And the reality is we have one choice we can either accept her for who she is and where she is right now in her life, or we can reject her. We cannot fix her and a lot of the guys, their first inclination when we're separated oh my gosh, I'm in a lot of pain. I got to fix this. They try to fix the situation, the issues or even her, and I have never heard a wife say oh honey, thank you for showing me the error of my ways. No, there's no wife ever, no, no, no.
Speaker 2:
The only thing we can fix as guys when we're dealing with relational issues is our own choices and behavior.
Speaker 3:
That's the only thing we get opportunity to fix I think how we say, that is, you're responsible for your own side of the street cleaning up your own side of the street?
Speaker 2:
if Cleaning up your own side, of the street If there's a mess. Even though the mess is on both sides, you can only clean up your own side of the street.
Speaker 1:
Right, and if you cross the street it'll go south. If you cross the street to her side to try and help her right, we'll put those in quotes, quote unquote help her Like I don't know. Leave the Bible open. To put a post-it note on a nice.
Speaker 3:
Bible verse that you think that she could read.
Speaker 1:
Okay, Don't, don't don't, don't right, you read the Bible Absolutely.
Speaker 3:
Work on you.
Speaker 1:
When you cross that street. Well, I'm sure she'll like this yeah, no, no, no, it's just manipulation. Not that I've ever done that, no, it's just manipulation. Not that I've ever done that I did. I did everything I made. So here's the deal. I've made all the mistakes, so you guys don't have to. I've made every mistake in the book and I know what that's like and I've dealt with about 1400 guys now, but a hundred guys a year, and I've seen all kinds of things and we're in good company. We all make the same mistakes, and it's not even just in our little corner of the world. I've got clients in Australia and Japan and we're all cause we're all raised the same way. You want to be a good husband, you become a good provider. We don't have to think like them. They don't have to think like us to accept one another, to love one another, because we're different.
Speaker 2:
Well, and I know that there's been so many times where I've been asked how do you feel about that? And the honest truth is I don't know, because it's not necessarily where, where I go. It's not that I don't have feelings. Please don't misunderstand, as listeners don't misunderstand. Of course you have feelings. I thought you said you had one feeling.
Speaker 2:
Yes, I have one feeling, and occasionally it gets hard, but the fact that it may not be where you go to first doesn't negate the importance of it if it's where your wife does go first, and I think that's really important. Now the other thing that was so cool that you just shared Randy don't ever try to think that if I'm doing the right things, my spouse is required to respond rightly to me. Those kinds of expectations are unfair and that's not the way that God relates to us. God gives us grace. I'm so grateful that God doesn't love me just when I act accordingly, and I'm so grateful that he's teaching me that I don't do the things that I do to earn his love.
Speaker 2:
I was given his love through Christ. You know he's wanting me to live in relationship, and it's not about the well, because I did for you, you should do for me. And I think the same thing's true in our marriage relationships, whether we're in the process of trying to rebuild something that's broken or maintain something that's good. It's not about if I do the right things, you have to respond to the way I want you to. That's an unhealthy attitude that I think we really need to call out so that we can overcome it.
Speaker 3:
I'm having flashbacks of scenes from Fireproof in my brain right now. You know it takes the ball bat to the garbage can because she's not responding to him the way that he expects her to respond, and yeah. So I will put the link to that movie in the show notes too, and if you haven't watched, it watch it, because that's a good movie.
Speaker 1:
It is a good movie, and the book that goes with that movie is called the Love Dare. Yes, and you just have to. At this particular point, when you guys are separated, it's great to learn what the love dare teaches. You know, it's actually one of my favorite movies and books. But it's not about what she is receiving. It's about you becoming the kind of person who does these things right. Big distinction there, and what I would say, in agreement with what you just said, is we don't want to base our behavior on her behavior. Right, right, it's not about I'll be nice to her when she's nice to me. No, no, no, we are called to be the spiritual leaders of the household. That means we lead by example, right, and just because nobody taught us how to do that doesn't negate that we are still called to be the spiritual leader of the household, which means we do the next right thing. Why? Because it's the right thing to do Right.
Speaker 3:
We did a whole podcast on covenant relationships, you know, and compare that to contractual relationships and I know that's that's really what we're talking about here, at least in this segment of the podcast is that, you know, living in a contractual relationship is I'm going to do X, y Z If you do X Y Z or vice versa, and that's not what God has called us to. You know, god has called us to live in a covenant relationship. That means we'll, I will do what is the right thing to do, regardless of what you do, right?
Speaker 1:
Right, and that happens to be the single most attractive thing that you can do. And we're working on ourselves, right? Imagine this what if your significant other was all about self-improvement, right, going to their own small group and seeing how they can get closer to Christ? Okay, how attractive is that? Okay, so, honestly, that is the single most important thing that you can do is decide I'm going to become the best version of me, I want to become God's man. Okay, cause God's not going to tap her on the shoulder and get her attention and say, hey, look over at this guy. He's not going to do that until you're ready, until you're healthy. So you get healthy.
Speaker 1:
And I've seen it time after time after time. I've seen it from devastation. You know, one of our guys was divorced before he even joined the program. He was divorced for two years and was completely blocked, can't contact her at all. And there was an occasion where it was a personal anniversary. So we crafted a nice note, sent it to her. She immediately unblocked him and they started talking and they started dating and now they're back together. God can do anything.
Speaker 3:
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:
Well, and you know, if he can reconcile sinful people to himself, he can reconcile even the messiest of marriages. We just need to trust him and do it his way. The struggle that we have is too often we want to do things our own way. That just doesn't work out very well, right?
Speaker 1:
Well, we want to help him Right.
Speaker 2:
Because again, we're going to fix it.
Speaker 1:
That's right, we're going to fix it. Right. It's like no, no, no it's. Instead of trying to think that you're going to fix it, how about we get out of his way? Right, yeah, how about we? Just look, just do the next right thing. Just focus on becoming the best version who he, he wants us to be, and make that a hundred percent. Focus, zero percent on what she's doing, what she's thinking, what she's feeling, what other people are telling her that's on her side of the street. You let that go. You work on yourself. Watch what God can do with that.
Speaker 2:
And that's a good word. We want to encourage all of you. If any of this resonated with you, check out Randy's website. Check out his book Again. You can get it for less than a cup of coffee. It's going to benefit you. It's going to bless you. Randy, thank you so much for sharing everything that you shared today with our listeners. Thank you Appreciate it. We're Doug and Leslie Davis. This is the Vision Driven Marriage and we continue to pray that God will solidify your marriage.