The Vision-Driven Marriage

Five Common Marriage Mistakes and Their Solutions: An Interview with Kelly DuPee

• Doug & Leslie Davis • Episode 45

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Have you ever wondered why, sometimes, a marriage that started on cloud nine suddenly finds itself in a rut? Want to learn how misplaced priorities can be a silent relationship killer? Well, today on The Vision-Driven Marriage podcast, we unwrap this complex web with the help of relationship maestro Kelly DuPee. With his vast experience in marriage coaching, Kelly shines a light on the five common mistakes that can potentially create fissures in your marriage, including misguided priorities and the lack of an active effort to maintain a strong connection with your spouse.

Struggling with communication? We've all been there. But the good news is Kelly is here to share his expertise on how to ace the art of listening for understanding, not just reply. In a world where emotions often rule the roost, learn techniques to keep your anger in control and prevent it from jeopardizing your relationship. Kelly shares strategies to help you take a step back when needed, process your emotions, and engage in healthy communication.

The cherry on top is our engaging conversation about finding the courage to ask for help in a marriage. Kelly's insights, drawn from his successful career as an author and marriage coach, also offer tangible appreciation tips for a successful relationship.

We Mention

Mark 10:17
Genesis 2:24
Luke 9:25
James 1:19
Ephesians 4:26
James 4:2
Proverbs 11:14
Proverbs 15:22
Proverbs 24:6

You can find Kelly DuPee on:
IG
FB
Website

Kelly's book offer: 
Turn it Up! How to have the Lifelong Marriage That You Really Want

TurnItUp.coach/75

INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.

Speaker 2:

Kelly DePri is a husband, dad, grandpa, pastor, police chaplain, marriage coach and author, but, most importantly, he is a follower of Jesus Christ. He's been married to his wife, Carrie, for over 35 years. Kelly has served his family, his church and his community for that long as well. However, kelly's mission extends beyond his local church and community. He has embarked on an inspiring journey with the creation of Turn it Up Marriage Coaching, a dynamic ministry designed to empower couples to forge unbreakable bonds. What fuels Kelly's unwavering passion for his ministry? It's deeply rooted in his personal journey. He knows firsthand the agony of a marriage in turmoil and the heartbreak of divorce in a family. Kelly's calling is to help couples and individuals acquire and apply transformative skills that steer their lives and marriages to a brighter future. Let's hear from Kelly DePri.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis, and today we have a guest with us who I know will encourage and equip you.

Speaker 2:

Today we're talking with Kelly DePri, and he has worked with couples and has come up with five common marriage mistakes and how to avoid them.

Speaker 1:

Welcome, kelly. We're glad you're with us. Can you tell us about those five mistakes that you've discovered, what we can do about it?

Speaker 3:

Absolutely so. The way I came up with this is that, after serving at a local church here in the Los Angeles area and a police chaplain, the Lord kind of called me to start doing marriage ministry. So I wrote a book and then just started holding marriage coaching sessions and I began to see that a lot of the couples that I was helping had the same issues, and the reason they had the issues is because they were making some fundamental mistakes. So I just thought, well, let's write these down and make this a little bit of a curriculum that I can share with couples. So mistake number one you guys ready.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

Mistake number one is what I call wrong priorities. So when you first out, start out in a relationship, you fall in love, you're dating, you get married. I mean you can't think of anything else but being with your husband or your wife. I mean you're excited about being with them and but then what happens is two things is that either you start making different choices because other things get your attention, or then life happens, and by life it's just you may, and it really boils down to the fact that we start making different choices. We start prioritizing other things instead of our relationship with our husband or wife. Now I am convinced, by the way, that God's plan is that, next to our relationship with the Lord, the most important relationship that God wants you to have is with your husband or your wife.

Speaker 3:

And so here's the three things that I think we prioritize wrongly. It's work, it's our kids and it's our hobbies. So let me just expound on those briefly. So work, obviously and you've all met, and I'm sure know, people that they love their work more than they love, you know, the other things in their life. Maybe they're starting a business, maybe they're just pouring all of their time and energy into that business, or maybe they just really enjoy what goes on in their job. As a police chaplain, I have the opportunity to hang out with cops a lot and I've met some that really love doing the and they're doing God's work.

Speaker 3:

We need our police and I'm very much honored to support them, but I don't want them to love their job more than they love their wife, because that's going to lead to lots of problems. But you see what I mean we put our jobs first. The other thing that's super common, this is more of a wife thing, right is we put our kids first, before our marriage. So, admittedly, your kids need your help, they need your attention. I'm not suggesting that you neglect them by any means, but keep balance, and the way to do that is just take a look at your calendar.

Speaker 3:

If all your weekends and all your evenings it's all about spending time with the kids, well, put in some times where you guys can be alone together, without the kids. By the way, I've got three grandkids, and that's what grandparents are for. Absolutely, watch in your kids so that you can go out on a date, so that you can have time together, so that you can reconnect and rekindle the love that you once had if it's faded. The title of my book is called Turn it Up and really I use the metaphor of a dimmer switch, that life has a tendency, and our wrong choices, of turning down the strength of your connection.

Speaker 3:

But, you can turn it back up. The third thing, by the way, is your hobbies. I live here in Southern California where it's sunny and great weather most of the time, so I meet a lot of guys who love playing golf every weekend. Well, playing golf isn't bad, but it is bad if your time is more spent on the golf course than it is with your wife. So we've got to evaluate and reprioritize, I think, and remember what the Bible says. For this reason, a man would leave his father and mother this is Genesis 2, and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. And then Jesus said in the Gospels what good is it for a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? And I think you could easily transpose or substitute maybe the word soul for the word marriage what good is it to gain the whole world and lose your marriage? So the answer makes some different choices and reprioritize, but a super common mistake. What do you guys?

Speaker 1:

think. Well, those are things that I think that not only Leslie and I have seen in counseling office, but also we've seen that happen in the lives of our friends. We've seen that happen in our own life, where one of those things can become out of balance for a while and to our listeners. You may be struggling with one of those three things that Kelly just mentioned being a little bit out of balance right now, but it's fixable. It's one of the things where you just need to become aware of it and make sure you put things back in the right order, back in the right priority list, and because each of those things are good, they should never, ever, ever be more important than your spouse. What great, great information.

Speaker 2:

I know one of the things I hear in the counseling office is well, if that's the case, then I'm prioritizing my work, but it's because I'm providing for my family.

Speaker 1:

Well, we try to justify the behavior by trying to say, but I'm thinking about my marriage while I'm doing it, that the reality is nothing can become more important than your spouse, nothing can become more important than your marriage. And when we try to justify it by saying, but I'm providing for my family, that's why I'm thinking about work all the time, we're still missing the point. For all of those things to work properly, we just have to have them in the right order. So that's a great word. What's the second thing that you've got?

Speaker 3:

All right. Mistake number two Listening to reply instead of to understand.

Speaker 3:

Oh yeah, that's huge, let's be honest, and I know I'm guilty of this all the time, but I'm working at it and I'm getting better. When your husband or your wife especially if they're upset right, if they're mad at you for some reason and they start telling you that you screwed up OK, and I screw up a lot. So what is our natural tendency to do? We start thinking about what am I going to say when she stops talking, right? So what happens is that we have a lot of misunderstanding because we're focusing on justifying our actions, on explanation, on excuse, and we're not really focusing on the key, which is so the goal in a conversation, especially if your husband or wife is upset at you for some reason, and especially if they're angry at you. I mean beyond just upset, they're mad, ok.

Speaker 3:

What your goal I like to help couples and this is what I try to do myself and I'm getting better at it, like I said is focus on understanding, listening, don't excuse, don't interrupt, ask a question only if you really need to, because that's OK, so that it'll help you understand. And then here's the tip I like to give them Just pretend that at the end of the sentence your wife or your husband is making, or at the end of the statement, when they're done, when they pause, pretend you're in school and now there's a quiz. Yeah, and the quiz is. There's one question on this quiz. The question is this what did I just say?

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And you, in your own words and maybe with hey, think about what they might be feeling. But even if you don't get that part of it, just repeat back to them what you heard. Let me tell you this is a game changer, because really, then and then you ask, hey, is that it? Did I get it right? And if they say yes, now what you've done is you have helped your spouse feel understood. By the way, if they say no, that's not it, let them explain it again, let them go through.

Speaker 3:

Have you ever been, ask yourself, have you ever been in a conversation where the person you're talking to always repeats themselves? Well, it's because they don't feel understood. So, focus on understanding, not just on excusing, and then, when they feel understood, then what you can do then is give the explanation, because maybe you are innocent, maybe you didn't do what they're accusing you of, but focus on making him or her feel understood first, and then you'll be able to then respond, and then the role switch and then the other person focuses on understanding what you have to say. James put it this way be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James, chapter one, I think. Anyways, I don't have my Bible in front of me, but it's OK, I will link those in the show notes.

Speaker 3:

We need to listen, so that's mistake number two.

Speaker 1:

Well, and that's huge, because communication is more than just speaking, and we've had a lot of people who have really had their relationships change. Our relationship when we were first married drastically changed when we realized that communicating isn't just speaking what you want to say, it's making sure that you process what's being said to you. That's where communication really becomes effective.

Speaker 2:

And we don't always get it right. We just had a major blowout on Monday. Was it Monday? Tuesday? Earlier this week, as we're recording this, it's on a Friday, but earlier this week we had that same thing that you were just talking about and that totally went out the window. We did not do what you just explained.

Speaker 1:

At least not very well. The communication, because, again, communication has to be processed for it to actually be communicated. Other than that, it's just talking.

Speaker 2:

Just talking. Yeah, and neither one of us were processing because we were both focused on our own stuff. So even after 34 years of marriage, it still takes some practice. It sure does.

Speaker 3:

And we're working progress as well. We've been married 36 years, so it is it's our selfish nature, it's our sinful nature, selfishness that wants us to justify ourselves and defend ourselves, especially if you're feeling attacked automatically. The way God made us is to go into fight or flight mode. You either want to run away or you want to fight back because you're trying to defend yourself. And that leads me, by the way, to the next mistake. Are you guys ready for it?

Speaker 2:

We're ready.

Speaker 3:

This. If the priorities and communication are the most common, this mistake is the most damaging. Here it is. It's exploding with anger.

Speaker 2:

It undermines a relationship so fast.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely, because now I'm not just talking about being angry. The Bible says be angry. In Ephesians, paul says be angry but don't sin, okay. And then it says don't let the sun go down on your anger. I misinterpreted that verse for a long, long time. So here's what I want folks to see there is a reason why you're angry. Being angry is good. Being angry is being human.

Speaker 3:

Anger is something that God gave you as a gift, because God wants you to protect yourself, okay, and he wants you to fight against the injustice and the things that are going on in our world. Jesus was angry, right. Think about the temple and the you know turning over the tables and all that kind of stuff with the money lenders. Jesus got angry, but did Jesus ever sin? No, so here's what we need to do we need to learn how to be angry but not sin.

Speaker 3:

And it all goes back to this when you are upset, when your wife or husband has offended you, hurt you, you know, really just got on your nerves in some way what you need to do is think about your emotional state. Am I calm? And if you're not, and what happens to? By the way, what I've noticed as I've unpacked conversations and, as I've experienced myself, is that you start confronting your spouse, you start telling them what they did wrong, okay, and then maybe they get defensive and they start, you know, arguing back or questioning you, and then anger begets anger and we match the emotion of the other person. And then think about it. If you can kind of feel that anger boiling inside of you, like it comes up, you know, and it's just starting, you know, to take control, what you need to do is walk away and take a little short break, a time out, if you will, and in some of the police department trainings that I've received, I learned this technique and this is. I don't believe in magic, but this works like magic and it's really simple.

Speaker 3:

Okay, what happens when you start losing control of your emotion is that the front part of your brain actually begins to shift. The blood flow. I'm sorry, shifts from the front part of your brain, which is where you make good decisions, to the back part of your brain, which is where you get fight or flight response. And there's a reason for that. God wants you to be able to run away or defend yourself, but when you're talking to your wife, that's not. That's not what you need to do. So what you do is you step away, and here's the secret.

Speaker 3:

Take a drink of water. I guarantee you. I have seen this over and over again. I've heard it from testimonies. Hey, you know what? I was really angry and I stepped away and I had a drink of water, and it just resets everything inside of you. You calm down instantly. I'm telling you this is. This works like magic. It will calm you down quicker than you trying to calm yourself down. Have a drink of water. The other thing, by the way, that you can do if water is not available is breathe. I did have one couple ask me, though well, does it have to be water? They were hoping they could have a drink, or you know a beer or something.

Speaker 3:

And I said no, water really does work better, but anyways. So you just, you know, you, just, you know, you, just, you know, you, just, you know, you, just, you know, you, just, you know. You just have to be patient, and then you calm down and then think about what you're going to say and then come back and say it in as few words as possible. And the script I give couples goes like this I feel, or I felt, okay, because if you work through it, now you're calm. I felt angry when you, and then you just simply state what they did that offended you, and then you make a request, and then you'll have a friend in the middle. She knows where you are, that其 he putslı in the middle of the floor. Or would you please call me when you're not going to be home in time for dinner? I mean, make a simple request, because now it's your spouse's turn and hopefully, because they love you. Then they're going to reply with an apology and they're going to make a commitment to not do it again.

Speaker 3:

Or at least and see ways in everything changes. Yeah, for now, instead of see what happens when you get really angry, is that nothing good? Think about it is now going to happen in that conversation. It's not going to get better, it's not going to improve. You're not going to resolve anything. In fact, what you're going to do is that you are going to hurt, and sometimes we feel so hurt. Let's be honest. We don't want to talk, we want revenge. So that's where calming down, getting a hold of that anger, really does.

Speaker 3:

And I think, by the way, when, going back to the scripture, when Paul said don't let the sun go down on your anger, I used to think that that meant you had to resolve everything before you went to bed. No, don't even try that If you're not there yet. Sleep on it, Take some time, figure it out, work through the emotions and then bring the confrontation. I think what Paul was trying to say is don't go to bed with the feelings of anger, don't try to resolve it all in one sitting. So that's my take on it Be angry, but don't sin by losing control and just spewing purple words out of your mouth. And when you do that, by the way, you've lost control. You're in fight or flight mode and you are no longer thinking about the impact of your actions and your words. And I have had wives, I've even had husbands say I don't know if I can forgive my husband. The damage is too great.

Speaker 3:

So if you want to reconcile, if you want to have a great marriage, you've got to learn how to confront, but do it in a way without the explosive anger. And let me tell you, this is a game changer. If I can just get a couple to stop doing this, everything is going to get on the right track and they're going to start reconciling and healing can come. But, if they're continuing to hurt and damage each other. No, no, no. This is lesson number one. So what do you guys think of that?

Speaker 2:

Well, I think that is a good word, and even if an apology doesn't follow that I feel statement, at least there's a seed planted that the behavior that you're addressing has affected the way you feel, like that behavior is really affecting your spouse in some way or another, and so, all right, what's mistake?

Speaker 3:

number four All right, mistake number four is a lot more fun. Those are the heavy ones. This one is simple it's not asking for what you need. So I'll have wives on a coach and call, tell me well, my husband never buys me flowers or whatever it is that they want. Ok, so, yeah, it would be great if he thought about that, if he met that need without you having to ask. But if it's not happening, because he's a dunce and oftentimes us guys we're clueless about what our wives want.

Speaker 1:

We're terrible mind readers.

Speaker 3:

Exactly, that's the point. We are not mind readers and, by the way, ladies, neither are you. That's right. So, yes, exactly right. So what do we need to do? We need to ask and we need to make requests. Would you please, you know, and holding those things inside and wishing, or the other thing I see is we put shoulds Well, you should, what you should call me, when you're going to be late, well, ok, but I you know. And then it goes into excuse and then it's a judge, we're back to the anger thing.

Speaker 3:

But we so I like to tell people don't should all over each other. So we put shoulds because we want them to behave in a way that they're not. So if it's not happening, then ask for it. And if something's happening that you don't like, OK, ask it to stop. It's not that hard, but I find this once again, over and over again.

Speaker 3:

James another verse from James says you have not because you don't ask, You're asked not is the way that King James puts it. You have not because you asked not. So if you want something, speak up, ask for it, If you like. I said, if you don't want something, ask her to stop. What you permit will persist. So if something, yeah, you have the power to change the dynamic by just speaking up. But once again, you know it's the. It's a lot of times people are afraid to do that. So let's work through the fear, let's work through the hesitancy, be bold and you know if your husband or wife really loves you.

Speaker 3:

And I like to teach up a little three or four step method, by the way, of how to ask. The first thing is do you pick a good time? The second thing is you start with a compliment or a soft startup is the way some people like to put it. You know, talk about how you want to be close to this Per your husband or your wife, talk about how you have an idea that will help your marriage get better, and then you just simply like, like I said, with the anger thing, you make a request, Would you please, and you fill in the blank. And then the other mistake I see that's kind of a I guess it's a sub mistake, by the way is we don't put a time on it.

Speaker 3:

I had a couple in my office and they were, I was doing their premarital, and she goes. Well, he never does anything that I ask, and I said, well, give me an example. And she said, well, I asked him the other day to put up the Christmas lights and I looked at him I'm like, well, hey, buddy, what happened? And he goes. Well, it's not Christmas yet. And his she meant put them up now. He, though, took that to mean, well, I guess I have until like the 24th of December.

Speaker 3:

So we do need to be clear with our requests and we do need to put a time. Would you please mow the lawn Saturday, you know, by the, by dinner time, you know. And then, if you can't fulfill the time, negotiating, but come up with a plan and then, once you make a commitment, then follow through and recognize, make your word, your bond. Especially, gentlemen, we need to step up and be men of our word with our wives. They need to know what they can count on from us if we do what we say we're going to do, and that builds trust and, you know, lays a great foundation. But that's mistake number four not asking for what you need, and we see that one play out all the time.

Speaker 1:

It's hard enough in a relationship when there is an unmet expectation. But what you're talking about is an unvoiced or an unspoken unmet expectation which, when we think about it, we realize is completely unfair. But we can do it really easily without knowing we're doing it. You know, because we had an expectation we never told our spouse about and we're frustrated when it doesn't happen. So that's a good word because it's something that each of us can do. We talk about it in our internal monologue so much that sometimes we forget we haven't said anything to our spouse and they have no idea that we expect something.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely Yep, it's a simple solution. But, boy, you know, and in the midst of the frustration and the anger and the hurt and the disappointment of a marriage that's struggling, you know, we sometimes forget the basics, and that's this one. Ask for what you need. It's not that hard.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that is not rocket science by any means. So is number five a basic also.

Speaker 3:

Pretty close. All right, let's do it. Number five is simply this the mistake is not asking for help, that's a big one.

Speaker 3:

I'm convinced that being successfully married is a learned skill. It doesn't just happen. You need to learn how to be married okay. And so learning how to be married takes some study, read a book, go to a seminar, join a group at church, you know. And then many times I know it has in my marriage it takes somebody meeting with my wife and I so we can figure out all of the junk that's going on in our head. We can discuss things clearly, we can figure out the issues and then we can get back on track.

Speaker 3:

And my wife and I went through a really rough patch. In fact it was after I wrote the marriage book. I guess God was testing me and saying well, do you really want to do this? And if you do, there's a few lessons you still need to learn. So we went through a really difficult time. I mean, it was scary difficult. I was like God, what are you doing? And let me tell you the thing that turned it around for me several things, but meeting with a therapist, a counselor, really made a huge difference. But I remember also as well listening to the Holy Spirit, and God one day said stop praying for me to change your wife, start asking for me to change you, and when I did, let me tell you, everything turned around and changed. Okay, it is not weak. It is wise to ask for help. That's a good word.

Speaker 3:

We see that in the book of Proverbs that success comes from a multitude of counselors. Several verses where we need the input of others. We need their support so it can be like a mentor couple. It can be people that have their marriages are stronger than yours. They've been married longer. They're that mentor. It can be your spiritual leaders at church.

Speaker 3:

Books, podcasts like this one these are fantastic. I make a weekly YouTube video with marriage tips, so yesterday, the one I made for this week was on 1 Corinthians 13.4, which is love is patient, love is kind. So I just talked about how to be kind to your wife or your husband. So, anyways, there's stuff like that that you can partake of, but it's recognizing that I am not going to be successful about with this being married unless I get some help. I cannot figure this out on my own, and when we admit that, then everything can change, and I love what I get to do, which is to sit down with with couples. Actually, I do most of it either over the phone or in zoom and just talking to couples and helping them get back on track, and it is a great and incredibly fulfilling ministry that the Lord has given me and I enjoy doing it and, yeah, I bet you guys do too.

Speaker 1:

Oh, we love every part of it, and you know we want to encourage our listeners.

Speaker 1:

Realize that in every other part of our life this is a natural thing that we do. If you get a new job, it's either because you went to get some official training and how to do it first, or you made sure that you found the person who's been doing it for a while and you learned from them. And when you start a sports team, you know that there's going to be a coach who's going to help you know how to do things that maybe you don't yet know how to do. And so in all of the other parts of our lives we do this without thought, and in marriage, somehow, for some reason, we forget that it's okay for us to have a coach, it's okay for us to find somebody who's been doing it for a while to learn from them, it's okay for us to find somebody who can give us some training, and so we're grateful for what you do to help provide training, and we're blessed and honored to be able to have our small part of providing it to.

Speaker 2:

So one of the ways that you have said that you provide training is that you have written a book. Tell us just a little bit about this book and I will link your where you can find your book. I will link that in the show notes. But tell us a little bit about your book.

Speaker 3:

All right, it's called thank you, leslie. It's called Turn it Up how to have the Lifelong Marriage that you Really Want. And, like I said earlier, it's that metaphor of a dimmer switch that you know, life and our choices turn it down, but you can turn it up. So it's all about recognizing the quality of your relationship and if it's not what you want it to be, do something about it. So I, in the book, I go through five commitments to make and five skills to learn. So the commitment is something you do every day, like I'm committing to be one with you. So what do I need to do every day in order to be one with my wife? That's commitment number one Protect my marriage from outside influences.

Speaker 3:

So I talk about, you know, some choices that that we make and some traps, certainly, that the devil has because he wants to destroy marriages. So we talk about how to deal with those outside temptations, especially the things that we can access online. So those are the commitments, some of the commitments. One of the big commitments, of course, is put God first and love God and let him transform your life so that you can be the husband or wife. That's another one of the commitments. And then the skills are things like listening, sharing your feelings, you know, dealing with your anger and managing your money together.

Speaker 3:

I got a chapter on financial management in there. I wrote the book when my son told me he wanted to get married and I just started writing down everything I could think of that would that I could impart to him so that he could have a successful marriage. And it was quite a long time before it actually got published. But two years ago the Lord said All right, it's time let's get this out in the world. I am offering it, by the way, right now at a 75% discount. And so turn it up, dot coach, slash 75. I'll give you the the link, leslie, you can put it in the notes.

Speaker 1:

If you go there.

Speaker 3:

You can get it for 399 for a digital copy, 375, sorry or 499 for a paper back. Be glad to get that in the mail to you. And then, if there's any in your audience that would like to try marriage coaching and see if it would help, be glad to give them a free marriage coaching session. So at the website which is turn it up dot coach, you can book a free call with me. Glad to do that for all of your listeners.

Speaker 2:

I will link all of that into the show notes. So this is. It's wonderful. As, as you know, we have four daughters for grown daughters and a lot of times I think about the advice that I would give them and knowing the love and the passion that goes into that because I want them to succeed so badly. I bet your book is amazing. I haven't read it yet but I'm going to be reading it, but I bet it's amazing because I know that passion that would go into writing something for your children Listening audience. Check out those links. They'll be in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

And we do appreciate all of the things that you shared with us today as well. Kelly, thank you so much for being with us today.

Speaker 3:

Well, thank you for this opportunity. This is truly a blessing and an privilege.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, you guys are great and we do want to encourage you check out the show notes, look at where you can get all of the stuff that Kelly has to offer. And again, this is Doug and Leslie Davis. This is the vision driven marriage and we are praying that God will solidify your marriage.