WEBVTT 00:00:00.560 --> 00:00:05.599 Let me ask you to grab your Bibles, open them up to Proverbs chapter 22, Proverbs chapter 22. 00:00:05.919 --> 00:00:07.759 Let me add my word of greeting to Dave's earlier. 00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:12.320 My name is Chris Cuba, and I have the privilege of being the lead pastor here at United City. 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:22.559 Before we get going, I just want to say a quick word of just appreciation and admiration for our girls' minister, Julia Ponko, who does incredible in every way. 00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:24.399 I don't know if she's in here or not. 00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:26.719 She may still be up there baptizing. 00:00:26.879 --> 00:00:28.239 Just so grateful for Julia. 00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:38.640 Of course, last week led in worship and just uh not only is just so gifted in so many ways, can preach, can teach, uh, can sing, and is just super talented in every way. 00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:40.079 We are just so, so thankful. 00:00:40.159 --> 00:00:47.119 And of course, the vision and just the execution and all the things, so many volunteers, so many serve team members that helped us with Girl World. 00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:56.479 What an incredible, incredible time, and just so thankful for her and just want to make sure I don't know where she is, but her to know that her pastor loves her and believes in her big time and is so grateful for her. 00:00:56.640 --> 00:01:01.679 I also want to take this opportunity to greet all of the men and the women at all of our correctional facilities. 00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:04.319 Let's give them a hand and celebrate them. 00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:17.920 I want to talk today about a topic that is pretty controversial, something that is definitely uh a lot of opinions that are thrown out there, and I want to talk to you about that from God's word. 00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:21.359 Uh, it is the topic of parenting. 00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:22.799 Topic of parenting. 00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:24.799 Let's go ahead and admit something really quick here. 00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:28.159 Let's get it out in the open, particularly for those of you that are parents. 00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:29.599 Let's go ahead and be honest. 00:01:29.920 --> 00:01:31.840 Parenting is hard. 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:33.359 Can we get any testimony to that? 00:01:33.519 --> 00:01:35.680 Anybody could admit maybe parenting is hard. 00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:36.079 Yes? 00:01:36.159 --> 00:01:37.040 Okay, good deal. 00:01:37.200 --> 00:01:43.760 Uh in the midst in the season of confessional, I just want to ask for a little bit of time for you to respond a little bit. 00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:45.040 Maybe just raise your hand. 00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:48.079 I'm gonna have mine raised for all of these uh as well. 00:01:48.239 --> 00:01:53.840 Would you raise your hand if you have ever lost your temper and yelled at your kids? 00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:54.959 Would you raise your hand? 00:01:55.120 --> 00:01:57.359 Okay, quite a bit of parents all the way around the room. 00:01:57.439 --> 00:01:57.840 Good deal. 00:01:58.000 --> 00:01:58.480 All right. 00:01:58.719 --> 00:02:07.840 Raise your hand if you have ever wondered how much of a sleeping pill it is safe to crumble into a baby's bottle. 00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:09.599 Would you raise your hands? 00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:13.120 All right, some of you are thinking, man, I never thought of that. 00:02:13.280 --> 00:02:14.319 That would have been genius. 00:02:14.479 --> 00:02:15.919 All right, okay. 00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:22.639 Raise your hand if you didn't really need to go to the bathroom, but you just wanted 15 minutes of silence. 00:02:23.360 --> 00:02:24.080 Okay, yeah. 00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:25.599 All right, all right, good deal. 00:02:25.840 --> 00:02:31.919 Raise your hand if you've ever told your kid that the ice cream truck only plays music when it's sold out. 00:02:32.080 --> 00:02:34.000 All right, would you raise your hand? 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:35.919 All right, none of you did that? 00:02:36.080 --> 00:02:37.360 Okay, all right. 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:47.759 Raise your hand if your spouse is gone for the night and you've told the kids bedtime was 30 to 60 minutes earlier than usual just to have some time to yourself, okay? 00:02:48.159 --> 00:02:50.879 All right, I pulled a 530 once, all right? 00:02:50.960 --> 00:02:52.240 It was genius. 00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:53.759 There's no question about that. 00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:55.039 Everyone take a deep breath. 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:57.039 You are good, okay? 00:02:57.199 --> 00:02:58.479 You are amongst friends. 00:02:58.639 --> 00:03:04.159 We are a place that is a safe place for us to begin to talk through a very difficult topic. 00:03:04.240 --> 00:03:11.120 And as we begin to dive in to this topic today about parenting, I want to let you know we're not gonna cover all things related to parenting. 00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:18.719 Uh, we certainly are hopefully gonna peak enough of your interest to where you're gonna have additional questions and you're gonna wanna ask some other things and learn more. 00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:20.000 And that's what tonight is. 00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:26.800 In many ways, tonight is part one of a continuation that's gonna take place tonight for our parenting conference. 00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:29.520 I hope that you're signed up and that you're gonna be a part of that. 00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:33.680 It's gonna be a very, very good investment of your time if you are here. 00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:41.599 But what we're gonna do is we're gonna look and see what God's word says and get the wisdom that it gives to us about this topic of parenting. 00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:52.879 We're starting a new sermon series today called At All Cost, and for the next three weeks, we're gonna be looking at a couple of different topics and we're gonna be seeing what God's word tells us about these topics. 00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:54.960 Now, I want to go and give you a heads up. 00:03:55.199 --> 00:04:04.719 Last series that we just did, the things we hide, we spent three weeks looking at one phrase found in one verse. 00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:08.560 We literally broke it down in very, very specific. 00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:12.159 It was almost like we took a rifle shot at that approach. 00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:15.520 This series, it's gonna be more like a shotgun approach. 00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:25.040 I'm gonna be spent telling you a ton of verses over the course of the next three weeks, quoting you a ton of different places found in the book of Proverbs. 00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:28.480 And I want to encourage you, if you're not a note taker, this would be a good time to do it. 00:04:28.639 --> 00:04:43.680 This would be a good time for you to get your phone ready, to be able to take pictures of the references and allow all of these verses that I'm gonna mention to you to kind of guide and to help you over the next few weeks in regards to these specific topics. 00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:46.079 Today we're gonna look at the topic of parenting. 00:04:46.240 --> 00:04:50.959 Next week we're gonna talk about the issue of our speech, the words that we say. 00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:58.240 Yes, it is strategic that that is placed right before you spend time with your relatives for Thanksgiving, right? 00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:00.480 Because there's certain things you shouldn't say. 00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:04.480 And there's certain things, if you're gonna say, you should say them in a certain way. 00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:07.759 We're gonna see what God's word tells us to guide and to help us. 00:05:07.839 --> 00:05:15.759 And then we're gonna look at our finances, which is gonna be very appropriate because it will be two days after Black Friday, okay? 00:05:15.920 --> 00:05:21.680 And so therefore, it'll be very important for us to see what God's word says about that, particularly heading into the end of the year. 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:27.680 Today, though, we're gonna look at the topic of parenting, and I want to read for you one specific verse. 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:30.480 Proverbs chapter 22, verse six. 00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:33.839 We're gonna start here, and then I'm gonna give you a ton of other scripture. 00:05:33.920 --> 00:05:37.439 But I'm gonna start with Proverbs chapter 22, verse 6. 00:05:37.600 --> 00:05:41.439 It reads like this train up a child in the way that he should go. 00:05:42.079 --> 00:05:45.199 Even when he is old, he will not depart from it. 00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:52.480 Train up a child in the way that he should go, even when he is old, he will not depart from it. 00:05:52.879 --> 00:06:00.319 It's important that we state up front that Proverbs are not meant to be guarantees, they are meant to be principles. 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:07.439 Think about it like this: Proverbs are written in pencil or pen, not in permanent marker. 00:06:07.920 --> 00:06:15.519 It's gonna be very easy for you as we talk through a lot of these things, for you to begin to immediately think about all of the exceptions to the rule. 00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:18.800 And what I would tell you is you're missing the point if you do that. 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:20.639 Yes, there are clearly exceptions. 00:06:20.800 --> 00:06:26.000 In fact, as we go along here, you may immediately begin to think, yeah, what about this? 00:06:26.240 --> 00:06:27.600 Or what about that? 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:28.720 Or what about this? 00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:29.920 And here's what I would tell you. 00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:32.160 We we we've provided a way for you to do that. 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:49.839 If you will text the word UC Parent to 55498, UC Parent to 55498, it will allow you to ask a question that we will do every bit in our power to address tonight at the parenting conference. 00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:50.240 Okay? 00:06:50.399 --> 00:06:59.920 So if you have a question about anything that is being talked about today, or you want to double-click or dive in a little bit more, just text the word UC Parent55498. 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:03.439 It will allow you to ask a question as we go along. 00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:16.879 But the idea is this if you train up a child in the way that they're supposed to go, even though they may stray along the way, eventually, ideally, they will come back and follow along with what they've been trained up to do. 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:29.360 Now, I want to make sure we talk about this because when it comes to the issue of parenting, immediately you're going to either start giving out grades to other parents, or you're gonna start giving out grades to yourself. 00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:31.759 And I want to caution you against that. 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:43.199 Today is not meant to be a judgment day where we begin to critique you for all the mistakes that you made on parenting, either that you have yet to do or that you have yet done, or you've already done. 00:07:43.519 --> 00:07:54.800 Today is not a day whenever you are going to begin to talk and think about how good or bad your parents are, uh, and begin to judge them and tell them, mom or dad, did you not hear this? 00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:59.759 In fact, for some of you that are kids in the room, let me just go ahead and tell you parenting is really hard. 00:07:59.839 --> 00:08:07.839 And as we talk through the stages of parenting, whatever stage that you may find yourself in, can I get an amen here in just a moment from all of the parents? 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:14.160 It would do really well for you to figure out how you can be a better child to make it easier on your parent, okay? 00:08:14.399 --> 00:08:14.800 All right. 00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:23.519 So as you hear this, instead of judging mom and dad, no, they're doing the best that they can, and everything was great until you showed up and screwed it all up, okay? 00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:27.199 So, so just give them a little bit of grace. 00:08:27.759 --> 00:08:31.199 Some of you may look up and you find yourself and you're not a parent. 00:08:31.439 --> 00:08:35.679 And I would tell you, in God's grace and his providence, maybe one day you will be. 00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:40.080 And so, therefore, it is always good and wise to hear wisdom. 00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:50.720 And as you begin to hear wisdom, you can begin to practice and think through some of these things that you can then begin to implement later on whenever God may choose to let you be blessed with children. 00:08:50.879 --> 00:09:06.159 Some of you may find yourself maybe at the grandparent stage, or maybe you find yourself or your kids are out of the house, and you're sitting here thinking to yourself, yep, did do that, didn't do this, do all this stuff, and you're hearing these things, kind of measuring yourself, but you're also thinking, This, this doesn't apply to me anymore. 00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:07.519 I don't have to think about this. 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:10.000 And I would tell you to caution you against that. 00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:15.919 Because one of the beautiful things about the Church of Jesus Christ is that we get to be a large family. 00:09:16.159 --> 00:09:22.159 And part of the beauty of this is the fact that we get to raise our kids in this village called the church. 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:33.840 And so God may allow you to have the opportunity to serve something like Girl World, or for maybe you to be serving in a three-year-old classroom, or for you to be able to be with a with the youth and serve in there. 00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:44.559 And whatever capacity that God has you, I want you to know this is that you, by your serving, you by your praying, you by your worshiping are affecting my kids. 00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:49.360 And so I want you to know as you hear these things, these are ways that you can pray for your church. 00:09:49.600 --> 00:09:55.600 As you hear these things, these are ways that you can encourage and come alongside other people who may be in the middle of it. 00:09:55.759 --> 00:10:01.279 For some of you, you may hear what we're gonna talk about today, and you're thinking to yourself, man, I am right in the middle of this. 00:10:01.440 --> 00:10:05.039 This message, I needed it a month ago, I needed it two years ago. 00:10:05.200 --> 00:10:08.559 I am need help because parenting is hard. 00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:23.600 And I would simply tell you, allow God's wisdom today to speak over you as a means of grace and mercy, but also as a means by which you can begin to pursue and train up your child in the way that they should go. 00:10:23.759 --> 00:10:25.600 Proverbs 22, 6, here's what I want to do. 00:10:25.759 --> 00:10:28.240 I want to get insanely practical today. 00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:32.159 And there is so much more that I want to dive down into. 00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:35.039 That is what tonight is gonna be about, okay? 00:10:35.279 --> 00:10:36.159 Here's what I want to do. 00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:42.559 I want to present this idea of training up your child in the way that they should go in four different stages. 00:10:42.960 --> 00:10:55.200 These four stages of parenting are a way for you to kind of mentally categorize and think through the different ways in which the Proverbs can speak wisdom to us. 00:10:55.360 --> 00:10:57.519 Let me tell you what these four stages are. 00:10:57.759 --> 00:10:59.840 First stage is that of caregiver. 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:04.240 I want you to think about this stage is basically your preschool years, all right? 00:11:04.399 --> 00:11:08.240 This is whenever they're born up until the time they go off into school. 00:11:08.399 --> 00:11:13.279 There are very unique things that exist during this stage right here. 00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:14.960 And I would simply tell you this. 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:20.879 If you are a parent who is in the caregiver stage, praise God that you're even here, all right? 00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:24.799 Congratulations, you've accomplished something that in and of itself, all right? 00:11:24.960 --> 00:11:28.000 The next stage we're gonna talk about is that of the coach. 00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:31.679 The coach phase is basically that elementary school years, all right? 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:34.159 Again, these numbers are meant to be a guide. 00:11:34.320 --> 00:11:42.799 Yours may be a little bit different along the way, but you can kind of see the different mentality that you have differently when it comes to training your children, all right? 00:11:42.960 --> 00:11:48.399 This is that coach phase, which is basically that kindergarten up till about 12 years old. 00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:50.639 Then you move into the consultant phase. 00:11:50.799 --> 00:11:54.159 The consultant phase is basically your teenage years. 00:11:54.320 --> 00:11:57.679 It is the years basically of middle school and high school, all right? 00:11:57.919 --> 00:12:04.799 And it is a very different phase and stage of parenting than the caregiver phase or the coach phase. 00:12:04.960 --> 00:12:13.600 And then finally, the last phase is that of the confidant, and that is essentially when the kids are out of the house, and then you begin to have a different relationship. 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:19.519 Let's break these down and begin to give some practical advice in each one of these stages of parenting. 00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:22.799 First of all, is the caregiver stage of parenting. 00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:27.759 Again, as you have questions along the way, UC Parent55498. 00:12:27.919 --> 00:12:30.480 We'll do everything we can to address these as we go. 00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:36.080 This is the early years when your kids are babies and toddlers. 00:12:36.399 --> 00:12:43.200 Let's go ahead and state up front the goal of this stage of parenting, survival. 00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:44.559 That's it. 00:12:44.879 --> 00:12:48.799 Literally, the goal is that you live to fight another day. 00:12:49.039 --> 00:12:49.600 All right? 00:12:49.919 --> 00:13:11.840 I want to make sure that you understand that because many a dream and an idea of perfection when it comes to parenting, many speeches along the way, whenever you were a young married couple that said, I'm gonna do this and I'm not gonna do this, have gone to burn, crash, and die during this stage of parenting, right? 00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:19.279 Because in your mind, you're an expert parent, and then you have children and realize you have no idea what you're doing. 00:13:19.519 --> 00:13:21.840 All you want to do is sleep, all right? 00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:26.720 And that is truly the goal during this stage of parenting. 00:13:26.799 --> 00:13:40.000 And I want to tell you that because for some of you, you are living on expectations either that you think other people have on you or that you have placed on yourself that are not from the Lord. 00:13:40.559 --> 00:13:51.600 I want you to know, you just need to try to feed the kid, you need to try to dress them and have some semblance of a life outside of that to the best that you possibly can. 00:13:51.759 --> 00:14:00.159 Proverbs chapter 4, verses 1 and 2 say, Hear, O sons of father's instruction and be attentive, that you may gain insight. 00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:05.679 For I give you good precepts, do not forsake my teaching. 00:14:06.320 --> 00:14:16.960 It's important that you established in the midst of this early caregiver stage some rhythms and some habits that will begin to set the foundation for the rest of your life. 00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:26.799 For example, one of the things that we always did whenever we were younger, and our kids were on that kind of consultant phase, but we were in this phase of parenting is we always had a schedule. 00:14:27.039 --> 00:14:35.600 We always had an idea of when our kids are gonna go to bed, when our kids are gonna take a nap, when our kids, for the most part, are gonna eat, and when our kids are gonna wake up. 00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:47.919 I tell you that, not because we were legalistic about it, I tell you that because when inevitably the wheels fell off, we had some idea of what they fell off from. 00:14:48.480 --> 00:14:51.840 There was at least a guide that helped us. 00:14:52.159 --> 00:15:01.519 It also was a way in which we were able to have some semblance of fighting for relationships during this stage of our parenting. 00:15:01.679 --> 00:15:03.360 A lot of the relationships meant this. 00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:06.480 Hey, if you want to hang out, you gotta come over to our house, okay? 00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:09.279 Because we're just trying to figure out how to make this whole thing work. 00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:12.480 And so, therefore, we invited people over to our house all the time. 00:15:12.639 --> 00:15:25.840 Other times we go over to other people's houses, and it was not uncommon for us to bring a pack and play and to put our kids down with some sort of schedule so that we would be able to engage and to have actual relationships with other people. 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:31.279 It also was important for us to do everything that we could to fight to come to church. 00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:36.399 I would also tell you this: it was the hardest time in our entire lives to go to church. 00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:39.440 Somebody got sick all the time. 00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:40.720 All the time. 00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:43.279 Inevitably, it would always happen in our house. 00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:49.519 I our dad, their dad works on the weekends, is that basically a kid would never get sick on Monday or Tuesday. 00:15:49.679 --> 00:15:52.960 They would always choose to get sick on Friday or Saturday, right? 00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:53.840 It was inevitable. 00:15:53.919 --> 00:16:05.840 Hillary, for about four to five years, was not able to go to Christmas Eve or to Easter services because one of our children got sick right before those big events. 00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:09.679 We have all of these visions of what life is going to look like. 00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:10.879 And then guess what? 00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:17.759 While we try to execute, things take place and they begin to struggle and cause issues. 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:21.840 It's very easy for then for you to throw your hands up and think, well, it's not worth it. 00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:24.799 And I would tell you that fight everything you can against it. 00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:27.759 I would tell you, you gotta fight to be at church. 00:16:27.919 --> 00:16:31.440 You gotta fight to be in relationships, knowing it is hard. 00:16:31.600 --> 00:16:41.279 And I would also tell you this, particularly you young married couples, I want you to know when you have kids, relationships will look different, but it doesn't mean they have to go away. 00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:51.840 Instead, change your expectations and understand bringing a human into the mix will radically change what a relationship looks like, particularly for the mom. 00:16:52.080 --> 00:16:57.440 That being said, it is still something that is always worth pushing and worth fighting for. 00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:01.120 One thing we're big believers in is the power of first words. 00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:11.759 This is the idea that whoever tells you something first, you tend to give that person authority over that topic, regardless if they actually are an authority on that topic or not. 00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:20.640 And so, because of that, during this caregiver phase, let me encourage you to speak to your kids about topics early and often. 00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:24.400 Be the ones that engage and have conversations with them. 00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:27.519 Proverbs chapter 6, verse 20 through 22. 00:17:27.839 --> 00:17:32.640 My son, keep your father's commandment and forsake not your mother's teaching. 00:17:32.960 --> 00:17:36.799 Bind them on your heart always, tie them around your neck. 00:17:37.039 --> 00:17:38.640 When you walk, they will lead you. 00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:40.799 When you lie down, they will watch over you. 00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:44.000 And when you awake, they will talk with you. 00:17:44.559 --> 00:17:47.440 Early and often is how I would describe it. 00:17:47.680 --> 00:17:52.960 We had the talk with our kids early and often at age-appropriate ways. 00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:53.440 Why? 00:17:53.599 --> 00:18:10.880 Because we wanted to make sure that we were a safe place to begin to have conversations, as opposed to them hearing something down the road by somebody at school who brings up something that they hold their they heard their older siblings say, and now all of a sudden that becomes the definitive thought on that particular topic. 00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:15.200 We instead early and often as much as possible. 00:18:15.359 --> 00:18:22.480 Let me encourage you with this, particularly how to apply Proverbs 6, verse 20 through 22, to maximize the bedtimes. 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:25.759 Can I tell you what bedtimes look like in the caregiver stage? 00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:28.720 They are forever. 00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:31.200 They take so long. 00:18:31.680 --> 00:18:38.480 And if your kids are anything like my kids, they're gonna do everything they can to stall and make it last even longer, right? 00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:41.359 And I would simply tell you this: maximize it. 00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:50.480 Let your house and the bedtime at your house be a place where they know it is okay, normal, and natural for us to talk about God here. 00:18:50.960 --> 00:18:58.000 We're gonna give you resources tonight at the parenting conference that are gonna tell you about resource Bibles that you can buy and read over your kids. 00:18:58.079 --> 00:19:00.079 You can ask questions, you can memorize scripture. 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:13.839 There's so many things that you can just allow the word of God to be as normal and as natural and as routine as possible during these early stages of their development whenever you are a caregiver over your kids. 00:19:14.240 --> 00:19:16.240 Second stage is that of coach. 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:17.920 Second stage is that of coach. 00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:23.599 Again, this is the idea of kind of that kindergarten up through age 12, kind of fifth or sixth grade, if you will. 00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:25.359 This is a fun stage. 00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:27.839 It brings with it a lot of brand new things. 00:19:28.240 --> 00:19:32.880 Your kids will start school, which is both a sad and an exciting time. 00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:41.440 They're gonna meet and develop and friendships and learn how to share space, how to share toys, how to share friends, how to share relationships. 00:19:41.759 --> 00:19:46.559 This is a time when they're gonna begin to engage in activities outside of your home. 00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:54.160 Maybe they're gonna get involved in sports, or maybe they're gonna get involved in music or dance or theater or whatever it is that they're gonna get involved in. 00:19:54.319 --> 00:20:03.359 You're gonna start all of a sudden introducing them intentionally into things outside of your control, which they are gonna be able to develop relationships. 00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:12.400 I don't know if it's anything like it was whenever we were raising our kids, but every time we signed our kids up for any activity, it was about a two-week time frame. 00:20:12.720 --> 00:20:22.559 All of a sudden you'd get an email from whoever it was that was leading the organization that was basically like, Look, I know you all are busy, but we gotta have somebody to coach these kids. 00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:33.279 And so therefore, I tell you one of the things that I always did is no matter what, I always was the coach of my kids in every sport and every activity that they ever did. 00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:35.920 Is it because I knew how to do all of that? 00:20:36.079 --> 00:20:37.279 Absolutely not. 00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:42.640 In fact, I can tell you a vivid memory that I have is coaching the kick and cupcakes, all right? 00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:44.559 The kick and cupcakes soccer team. 00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:52.319 I've I I've I've been an athlete, I know soccer a little bit, rec soccer, but I've never necessarily have any clue what it looks like to coach soccer. 00:20:52.480 --> 00:21:06.240 And so I have vivid memories of sitting in the parking lot with YouTube out, looking at how to run a six U soccer practice, and then walking out there with the whistle, yelling at the kicking cupcakes, telling them where they're supposed to go. 00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:06.720 Okay? 00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:09.759 Can I tell you what is most important? 00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:13.119 It's not what you say as the coach. 00:21:13.279 --> 00:21:17.200 The most important thing is that they see the coach was there. 00:21:18.480 --> 00:21:20.000 Your presence is key. 00:21:20.640 --> 00:21:25.599 This is the time whenever your kids need you to be involved and to be around. 00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:35.119 You may not necessarily always be the coach, but they need to be the one who is constantly just always there, shuttling them back and forth from practice and all the other things. 00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:41.920 Don't get me wrong, as you're driving in the car, maybe some of you in this stage, you feel like you are a professional taxi service. 00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:51.279 And I would tell you the temptation in the midst of that taxi service is basically to just drown out the transition with noise of some music. 00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:58.319 And there's times when you need to play the music and sing Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs to show that you truly are Swifty. 00:21:58.559 --> 00:21:59.119 That's great. 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:13.680 Times you need to keep the car quiet because it is in those times when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a question begins to come up where God gives you a window and a picture into their soul. 00:22:14.319 --> 00:22:17.599 So don't just fill the space with noise. 00:22:18.079 --> 00:22:20.480 Don't just listen to sports talk radio. 00:22:20.880 --> 00:22:24.559 Don't just fill it with just mindless chatter. 00:22:24.799 --> 00:22:31.359 But instead allow those conversations and those times to be a place where you can pour in wisdom in your kids. 00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:39.279 Proverbs chapter 19, verse 27 cease to hear instruction, my son, and you will stray from the words of knowledge. 00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:50.559 Create spaces to where that knowledge can be input in the midst of the chaos of going from place to place. 00:22:51.119 --> 00:22:54.640 Let me advise you with this during this season and this stage. 00:22:55.599 --> 00:22:58.880 Prioritize the church of Jesus Christ. 00:22:59.839 --> 00:23:08.720 You will have so many things pulling for your time, and you have to establish priorities during this stage of parenting. 00:23:09.279 --> 00:23:11.279 And let me tell you what's going to happen. 00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:14.480 I see it all the time, and I felt it myself. 00:23:14.720 --> 00:23:38.240 If you don't establish ground rules where you say the church is going to be most important, an unknowing, and it's not his fault, but a coach on that team is going to set a schedule that is going to all of a sudden change whether church is important, and you're going to look up, and your child is going to be coached in the things that don't matter the most. 00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:46.880 Instead of you prioritizing the fact that I want my child to hear instruction as often as possible. 00:23:47.039 --> 00:23:51.599 And so therefore we will be as involved as we possibly can. 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.079 That being said, we are not going to compromise on the church. 00:23:56.240 --> 00:23:57.680 We're going to make it a priority. 00:23:57.920 --> 00:24:03.119 Proverbs chapter 10, verse 5 says, He who gathers in summer is a prudent son. 00:24:03.599 --> 00:24:08.160 But he who sleeps in harvest is a son who brings shame. 00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:19.519 I cannot begin to tell you how often that I have seen at a time when a child needs to hear wisdom the most, they find themselves away from that wisdom the most often. 00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:24.559 There's actually a season where this is structured, discipline is necessary. 00:24:24.799 --> 00:24:30.799 The Bible teaches the importance of using physical discipline to train and to guide your kids. 00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:35.680 Proverbs chapter 19, verse 18, discipline your son, for there is hope. 00:24:35.839 --> 00:24:38.319 Do not set your heart on putting him to death. 00:24:38.480 --> 00:24:45.519 Proverbs 22, 15, folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. 00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:54.640 Proverbs 29, 15, the rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. 00:24:55.119 --> 00:25:05.119 It's very important, I would encourage you in the midst of emphasizing discipline in your home that you also emphasize first time obedience. 00:25:05.440 --> 00:25:08.160 I can't tell you how many times I've seen this to be the case. 00:25:08.240 --> 00:25:14.160 We've done it as well along the way, to where you begin to tell your child to do something and they don't do it. 00:25:14.720 --> 00:25:19.279 And then you tell them with a little bit sterner voice they need to do something and then they don't do it. 00:25:19.519 --> 00:25:21.759 And then you look at them and you say, You better do this. 00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:32.079 One, two, two and a half, two and three quarters, two and five eighths. 00:25:32.160 --> 00:25:40.000 I mean, you just kind of whatever your magic number is, and they know, and then immediately, whatever number that that is, they begin to run and do that. 00:25:40.160 --> 00:25:42.559 I want you to hear me say this to you. 00:25:42.720 --> 00:25:47.039 If your child can respond at two and three-quarters, they can respond at one. 00:25:48.160 --> 00:26:01.920 And here's what I want you to know our job as parents is to prepare them for how they are to respond to the authority over them, both adults, but also God the Father. 00:26:02.400 --> 00:26:07.599 And I want you to know this God doesn't count with us. 00:26:08.880 --> 00:26:11.119 He doesn't look at you and say, hey, you need to do this. 00:26:11.359 --> 00:26:12.880 One, two. 00:26:13.519 --> 00:26:22.720 Don't get me wrong, he is long-suffering and he is gracious and he is good, but he does that as an act of mercy, not because we get that long to figure out whether we want to obey or not. 00:26:23.279 --> 00:26:33.599 And instead, it's important that we are establishing not only a pattern of first-time obedience, but one of the things Hillary pounded in our kids was with a happy heart. 00:26:33.920 --> 00:26:41.440 There's an attitude and a posture where we are to respond to the Lord with not only yes, but yes, and I'm glad to do it. 00:26:41.680 --> 00:26:54.880 Proverbs chapter 5, verses 1 and 2 says, My son, be attentive to my wisdom, incline your ear to my understanding, that you may keep discretion, and your lips may guard knowledge. 00:26:55.200 --> 00:26:57.759 This is a stage again where bedtime is key. 00:26:57.920 --> 00:27:09.519 I think you've got to pray the Bible, you've got to speak the Bible, you have to write out the Bible, you need to read the Bible, you need to do whatever you can to get the wisdom of God into the hearts of your children. 00:27:09.839 --> 00:27:11.920 We can again talk about this more tonight. 00:27:12.079 --> 00:27:15.279 One of the things we did, at least at our house, we got it from somebody else. 00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:17.359 We spoke blessings over them at night. 00:27:17.440 --> 00:27:20.240 We wanted them to hear us speak words to them. 00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:30.480 I would pray specifically for my kids because I wanted them to hear it is a normal and natural thing for their dad to live their name up to his God. 00:27:31.039 --> 00:27:34.319 I just wanted the fact that God's spoken in our home. 00:27:34.480 --> 00:27:39.680 It's not some rare thing that we do when we maybe talk about what we heard on Sunday. 00:27:39.839 --> 00:27:43.599 It instead is something that happens all the time here. 00:27:44.160 --> 00:27:48.559 Because that is the place that you go in order to get wisdom. 00:27:48.880 --> 00:27:51.920 Third stage of parenting is the consultant stage. 00:27:52.160 --> 00:27:53.279 The consultant stage. 00:27:53.359 --> 00:27:55.920 Again, this is that age 13 to 18. 00:27:56.000 --> 00:27:58.000 Let's just go ahead and call it what it is. 00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:00.880 Whew, this one is a tough one, right? 00:28:01.359 --> 00:28:05.279 Those of you that may find yourself in the midst of this, these are the teenage years. 00:28:05.519 --> 00:28:15.359 And what makes it tough is the combination of what you are used to, where you basically tell your kids you go here and you do this and you bring this and you you don't do this. 00:28:15.599 --> 00:28:24.720 And now all of a sudden it becomes a stage where they are beginning to operate independently, beginning to make choices as to what it is that they want. 00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:26.240 This is a difference. 00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:29.279 It's so important that you hear what I'm about to say. 00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:37.599 The difference in this stage of parenting is you move from telling them what to do to teaching them how to think. 00:28:38.559 --> 00:28:41.680 Proverbs chapter 8, verses 10 through 11. 00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:46.880 Take my instruction instead of silver and knowledge rather than choice gold. 00:28:47.119 --> 00:28:52.559 For wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her. 00:28:53.119 --> 00:28:57.680 It's easier just to be able to tell your kids, do this and don't do that. 00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:04.880 It's harder when I'm supposed to give them tools for them to decide themselves how to do that. 00:29:06.079 --> 00:29:07.440 There's no question about it. 00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:23.519 There's times when you're saying yes and you're saying no, although the goal is more about teaching them to drill down convictions in their heart so they have an ability to process how to make wise decisions. 00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:26.559 Let me show you an example of a funnel. 00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:36.000 I believe that a lot of times when it comes to the consultant phase, this is a very good picture of a lot of times what I think without intending to, you do we tend to do. 00:29:36.160 --> 00:29:36.480 Okay? 00:29:36.799 --> 00:29:41.119 This is a funnel, and basically I want you to think about the uh lower part of this funnel. 00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:42.960 It's an upside-down funnel here. 00:29:43.119 --> 00:29:49.279 Um, lower part of this funnel is basically think about it as the caregiver and the coach years. 00:29:49.519 --> 00:30:02.079 This is a time whenever you may you know, you give rules and you give guidance about the really big things, but but a lot of times what you might end up doing, maybe that's what your folks did, or maybe that's what you are just kind of winging it, doing the best that you can. 00:30:02.240 --> 00:30:09.119 You kind of look at a lot of their behavior and a lot of the things that they do, and you just kind of laugh and chalk it up as cute. 00:30:09.359 --> 00:30:13.200 So, you know, for instance, you go to a restaurant and they want to get down, and so what do you do? 00:30:13.279 --> 00:30:20.559 You just kind of let your kids get out and they can kind of run around and do whatever they want to, and it's really, really cute whenever they're 18 months or something like that. 00:30:20.720 --> 00:30:27.200 But then all of a sudden, they want to do the very same thing when they're like fourth grade or fifth grade, and it's not cute anymore. 00:30:27.680 --> 00:30:40.000 And then all of a sudden you begin to look up and you want to start putting rules on them because some of the behavior that they got used to doing when they were younger is no longer going to work anymore. 00:30:40.240 --> 00:30:46.799 And so you try when it comes up to the top of that funnel to begin in this consultant phase to try to rein them in. 00:30:46.880 --> 00:31:02.240 And here's what oftentimes takes place it begins to lead to rebellion, it begins to lead to conflict, it begins to lead to why are you all of a sudden telling me what I can and can't do when I've had so much freedom to do whatever I've wanted to do up to this point? 00:31:02.559 --> 00:31:07.359 Can I show you a better way, which I believe is more of a biblical way that God desires us to operate? 00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:08.799 That's an inverted funnel. 00:31:08.960 --> 00:31:09.759 I want you to look at this. 00:31:09.920 --> 00:31:11.920 Check a look at this, flip it upside down for me, guys. 00:31:12.079 --> 00:31:17.519 So, with this idea is that during the caregiver phase and during the coach phase, I'm given a ton of rules. 00:31:17.680 --> 00:31:29.519 I'm given a ton of guidance, I'm given a ton of guardrails, I'm constantly thinking through how am I going to prepare you to go into that 13 through 18 age frame. 00:31:29.599 --> 00:31:38.079 And instead of you beginning to be reined in and have all of these rules, instead, I've got to understand this is gonna be a weird concept for us. 00:31:38.319 --> 00:31:44.160 Our goal as parents is not only to keep our kids out of jail, that is a good goal. 00:31:44.240 --> 00:31:45.759 Let's go ahead and admit that up front, okay? 00:31:45.920 --> 00:31:47.039 That's a goal. 00:31:47.759 --> 00:31:51.200 It's for our kids to leave our house. 00:31:52.640 --> 00:31:59.519 And so, in light of that, we've got to make sure that we prepare them to do that. 00:31:59.680 --> 00:32:29.920 And so I would argue a better way is instead having many more rules and guidance and get and things along the way, so that when you begin to move into these teenage years, you're preparing them and continually allowing them more and more freedoms because you want their year of freedom for the very first time to be their senior year in your house, not their first year in college when they're like go crazy because it's the first time they ever got any freedom. 00:32:30.240 --> 00:32:33.839 Folks, it's a totally different way of thinking. 00:32:34.400 --> 00:32:41.200 But God's word tells us that we are training up people not to stay but to leave. 00:32:41.599 --> 00:32:47.440 And if we think about it like that, I think that we will make different choices along the way. 00:32:47.599 --> 00:32:56.319 And that leads to then this consultant stage, where instead of us saying do this and don't do this, we instead are asking, now, why are you thinking that way? 00:32:56.559 --> 00:32:59.359 Walk me through what it is that led you to that decision. 00:32:59.519 --> 00:33:02.559 Like, like help me understand the background of what you're doing. 00:33:02.720 --> 00:33:07.519 Our goal is not conformity, our goal is for them to be launched. 00:33:07.759 --> 00:33:13.200 In light of the goal, teaching them how to think, let me urge you parents yet again to prioritize the church. 00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:18.960 I don't know how else to say this stronger and with more authority than I'm about to say. 00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:24.240 If the youth ministry at the church does it, your kids should be at it. 00:33:24.480 --> 00:33:25.920 It's as simple as that. 00:33:26.160 --> 00:33:38.240 When it comes to encounter weekend, when it comes to conference, when it comes to youth camp, when it comes to girl world, when it comes to guys' night, when it comes to small group, your kids need to be at those events. 00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:43.039 There are so many other voices that are vying for the attention of your children. 00:33:43.200 --> 00:33:49.359 There are social media, there are friends, there are teachers, there are all these other people saying things. 00:33:49.680 --> 00:33:54.480 You need as many deposits as you possibly can of godly wisdom. 00:33:54.559 --> 00:34:00.319 And I would simply tell you this: you happen to come to a church that prioritizes this in every way. 00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:06.720 And I would encourage you to make sure that you prioritize it yourself by saying this. 00:34:06.960 --> 00:34:11.360 I don't know what we got going on, but when girl will take place, my girl's gonna be there. 00:34:11.599 --> 00:34:23.679 And not only is she gonna be there, I'm gonna do everything that I can to bring a carload of girls with her, because all of her friends who may hear no godly wisdom also need to hear that same wisdom. 00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:33.280 Proverbs chapter 20, verse 18 says, Plans are established by counsel, but wise guidance wage war. 00:34:34.960 --> 00:34:39.199 There is a war going on for the soul of our kids. 00:34:40.239 --> 00:34:47.199 And godly counsel is a way to wage war against it and to fight for truth. 00:34:47.760 --> 00:34:54.960 Proverbs 15, 22, without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed. 00:34:55.599 --> 00:35:02.480 I have found that I can say things to my kids and they hear it, but I don't necessarily know if it sticks. 00:35:02.800 --> 00:35:17.840 I then found that they can come to church, and all of a sudden Pat or Julia or Hunter or Dalton or somebody here at the church can say something and they'll come home and they'll tell me about some insight that they heard, and the whole time I'm thinking, I've already told you that ten times. 00:35:19.280 --> 00:35:20.480 But you know what? 00:35:20.719 --> 00:35:22.639 Praise God that they said it. 00:35:23.039 --> 00:35:26.079 Because they hear it differently in this stage. 00:35:26.320 --> 00:35:35.119 So you want to do everything that you possibly can in order to allow godly wisdom to be spoken from godly people, their leaders, their small group leaders. 00:35:35.280 --> 00:35:46.880 Let them have a be a safe place that not only you're the only one they process stuff with, let them be a person that they also can process with, opening up God's word and allowing godly wisdom to prevail. 00:35:47.199 --> 00:35:58.239 I've also found this not only is it important to get your kids around godly wisdom, I've also personally found that it's very important for me to get around godly parents and get wisdom from them. 00:35:58.559 --> 00:36:04.320 I can't tell you how many times I've met with many of you, even in this room, and I've sat down and said, How did you guys handle dating? 00:36:04.480 --> 00:36:06.159 Can you walk me through what you did there? 00:36:06.320 --> 00:36:10.159 Walk me through how you did finances, like what did you do whenever your kid was this age? 00:36:10.320 --> 00:36:13.760 And I began to get godly wisdom from those ahead of me. 00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:16.719 That is the beauty of Christ's church. 00:36:17.119 --> 00:36:28.239 Is some of you that may find yourself at the emptiness stage, you are right now in the prime spot of being able to offer incredible wisdom to those that are far behind, that are behind you. 00:36:28.400 --> 00:36:31.039 The key is are you making yourself available? 00:36:31.119 --> 00:36:37.039 And those of you that are in my stage, are you asking those questions to the people that you need to be asking to? 00:36:37.760 --> 00:36:41.840 Again, the goal is not to tell them what to do, it's to teach them how to think. 00:36:42.000 --> 00:36:45.840 Let me give you some mention one specific area though that I think is important. 00:36:46.400 --> 00:36:48.960 You need to have a plan for social media. 00:36:49.760 --> 00:36:51.119 You need to have a plan. 00:36:52.000 --> 00:36:53.760 Use monitoring software. 00:36:54.000 --> 00:36:58.239 Teach your kids how to look up whether something is good for them or not. 00:36:58.400 --> 00:37:01.280 Don't be afraid of being that parent. 00:37:01.679 --> 00:37:04.480 We need a lot more of those parents. 00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:14.480 Because I'm just telling you, giving your kid unfiltered access and open ideas to social media is the dumbest thing that you could possibly ever do. 00:37:14.559 --> 00:37:16.719 I don't know how to say it any stronger than that. 00:37:17.039 --> 00:37:25.840