We are joined by Michael, no stranger to podcasting, and we get to dive into the juiciest tale so far in BOMcast!
Tell me Jacob's a low-energy beta without telling me he is... start a story with an apology, regularly use the wrong agricultural terms (olive vineyard much?!), and rebuff the advances of the one beautiful soul in this world who cares about you whilst you go on about some idea you stole from Zenos (Jesus!, how could a prophet with such a badass name produce the worst parable ever?) and butcher it in the retelling.
Jacob and Sharem's relationship is beyond sus, but, for reals, Sharem sounds lovely. This is obviously a Smithers-Burns moment, and Jacob, in classic Burnsian fashion, is unworthy of Smithers's love. Jacob tries to write Sharem out, and in probably his best work, Jacob writes an elaborate and ignominious death for Sharem when Sharem obviously can no longer justify his affection for this tired and dirty prophet.
Then Enos brings us home with a French salutation. Didn't see that one coming, did you?
We are joined by Michael, no stranger to podcasting, and we get to dive into the juiciest tale so far in BOMcast!
Tell me Jacob's a low-energy beta without telling me he is... start a story with an apology, regularly use the wrong agricultural terms (olive vineyard much?!), and rebuff the advances of the one beautiful soul in this world who cares about you whilst you go on about some idea you stole from Zenos (Jesus!, how could a prophet with such a badass name produce the worst parable ever?) and butcher it in the retelling.
Jacob and Sharem's relationship is beyond sus, but, for reals, Sharem sounds lovely. This is obviously a Smithers-Burns moment, and Jacob, in classic Burnsian fashion, is unworthy of Smithers's love. Jacob tries to write Sharem out, and in probably his best work, Jacob writes an elaborate and ignominious death for Sharem when Sharem obviously can no longer justify his affection for this tired and dirty prophet.
Then Enos brings us home with a French salutation. Didn't see that one coming, did you?
He's like wait, here I go again.
Speaker 2:It's not one, it's two, it's always two. With Jesus it's like boom. And then I'm right away the second one.
Speaker 1:That's actually no wonder people worship him. Are you serious? Right now I'm telling you right now. We just learned this my eyebrows are like gassed. I'm like gassed. My mouth is like gait.
Speaker 2:It's over. Chapter three done. Bye, bye. World's worst parable about the world's worst boss. This episode's pretty great. We get to sit down with Mike. Smith is a designer and artist and generally lovely human being, and Kara and I hold down the fort without bronze. Bronze is out of town this time and we managed to have quite a lovely chat and some wonderful analogies and tangents. It turns out we think that Jacob and Sharem probably had a trist Think of Smithers-Burnes situation. Obviously, there's no proof of this, but I think the fact that Jacob ultimately writes Sharem's death, this ignominious death, I mean, that's some jilted lover territory if I ever heard some. So enjoy ["The Last Song of the Year"] ["The Last Song of the Year"].
Speaker 1:We are on chapter four I can't wait to. I hope there's no word vineyard in here, but oh fuck, I see it.
Speaker 3:Well, so I was. We're in chapter four, not five, or we're going to five, we're in five.
Speaker 2:We're in chapter IV. Somebody didn't mark it.
Speaker 3:No, I mean, I'm on both sides but, four is really what's the? Real, he was earmarked in the right direction, which, jacob, is the like I mean which, Jacob, is the long ass chapter about the allies.
Speaker 2:I know we're in it, we're in it, we're in it. Oh, I think we just finished it. It's been so long.
Speaker 1:Or maybe we got, maybe there's more of it. Well, there's more, because what the fuck there's like oh trees and vineyards.
Speaker 3:Something jumped out to me, kara Wait hold on, we are recording, or this is Of course, we're recording.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, are we recording? Start over JK. No hold on.
Speaker 2:Hold on hold on, I edited it, don't worry.
Speaker 1:I didn't want to. We're not editing this. Keep this in.
Speaker 3:I don't like missing the candor at the beginning. I can be candid at all times. Why don't you just turn? It on all the time.
Speaker 1:Maybe, different.
Speaker 3:Myself and you were talking about yourself very poorly.
Speaker 2:Here's what jumped out to me recently.
Speaker 1:Sorry, you got caught off guard Keep saying vineyard, but it's an olive grove. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Wait can you hold on?
Speaker 2:I gotta look at this one. It's not a vineyard.
Speaker 1:But they're not vines Olive grove equals vineyard.
Speaker 2:They're not kudzu or kudzu. This is the wrong term.
Speaker 1:Olive equals vineyard a vineyard or an olive orchard.
Speaker 2:Ooh, oh, does it call it olive?
Speaker 3:vineyard. Who's using the wrong term? You're saying are you saying Jesus Christ in the Book of Mormon is using the wrong term.
Speaker 1:I'm saying you're right, it's an olive grove. It's an olive grove or an orchard, and they keep using the wrong vineyard and no one says olive vineyard, do you? Grow olives in a vineyard? No, you grow grapes in it. No wineries.
Speaker 3:I haven't. This is the first time I've cracked the Book of Mormon open in I don't know a decade and I remember being a believing Mormon and really this is supposed to be epic, right, this Jacob, you know whatever. Oh, is it all?
Speaker 2:of Jacob. No, it's not supposed to it's fucking epic. There's this really terrible boss and he goes around fucking with shit I'm nodding. And then he, and then things like go to shit because he's like don't work on that stuff, Just focus on this other stuff. Look at my experiment and then he goes and he fucks with things and then the stuff that he fucked with doesn't work and then he's like I think I'm just gonna burn the vineyard down, you're gonna lose your job.
Speaker 1:He's just Frankensteining everything the whole time.
Speaker 2:That's a terrible boss.
Speaker 3:Oh, so he was like he was gaslighting everybody the whole time.
Speaker 1:Yes, so no, I mean, he's not even gaslighting, he's just like this, watch this and he does Frankenstein bullshit. And then he's like this one died, burn it all. Oh, keep this one weird branch.
Speaker 2:And he's walking with his like, I don't know, like his manager of the orchard, he has team lead. He's got his team lead and he's like I kind of fucked with everything and it's not working. And because it's not working, I think we should probably just shut the whole operation down. And you can imagine like can you imagine going on a walk with your boss and he's like I fucked this all up, it's not your fault, but I think you're gonna be out of a job.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, and imagine trying to like show anything that you did that year. Now your numbers are all skewed because your boss fucked up your production.
Speaker 2:And he's like holding you accountable. I don't know. He's a terrible boss.
Speaker 3:Well, I don't remember the context, but what I do remember, is that it? Feels like one of those papers I wrote in college where there were like this needs to be 20 pages long and I was like, well, I've got three paragraphs of content and I'm gonna fluff it up into 20 pages.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was gonna say wait a minute. Are you a fluffer, are you? I mean, I'm sorry, I've left some content before.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh, you guys have clearly seen my search history.
Speaker 1:Thank God I haven't, I guess.
Speaker 2:Left some content.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Okay, so this is gonna be interesting. I forgot my regular glasses. What if I skim? Okay, vineyard Fire.
Speaker 1:Vineyard Fire Stiff Naked. We haven't seen that in a while.
Speaker 2:We have not seen Stiff Naked. Okay, so, mike, the question that I go ahead. I'm sorry to interrupt. I really apologize, please.
Speaker 1:I really apologize. That's only the very beginning. This is over. No more Vineyard Chit. Oh wait, it's over, they're gonna reference it at the beginning and then they're gonna move on.
Speaker 2:Oh, and this is a really short one, so we might go into chapter V. Oh, and then the book of Ennis.
Speaker 1:Hallelujah, I thought it was a gnaw.
Speaker 2:No, we're making progress. High five, wah. I can't type this.
Speaker 3:Also hold on. I have been listening to some of the.
Speaker 2:I need to clear the air here, Does that high five count? Hold on.
Speaker 1:He can't read it, if only, oh shit.
Speaker 2:Oh, we're gonna get it. Do it again. Look at your elbows. I'll focus on the elbows.
Speaker 3:That was bent too. I want to clear the air about something, Gonzo.
Speaker 2:Oh, please, Please.
Speaker 3:Mike, your pronunciation of the names Is this like you say, like oh it's on purpose. Okay, neffy, and or.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Leffy.
Speaker 3:Okay, ennis.
Speaker 1:I mean, my cousin got off his mission from South America and he said Leffy and Neffy at his homecoming and I was like what a dipshit. But obviously that is phonetically how it should be. Absolutely what if it was Nep High? What the fuck we missed this.
Speaker 2:We missed Nep High. Just scrap the whole podcast. We gotta do that Jewish stuff. Start over the guttural like Nep.
Speaker 1:High, high High em High em Good point To life.
Speaker 3:I was once I had a phone job taking phone calls from Puerto Rico for five From Puerto Rico.
Speaker 1:Sorry, yeah, so it was in.
Speaker 3:I worked in Kentucky and I was taking Jewish Leona.
Speaker 1:Is this story true at all? This is weird. I work for.
Speaker 3:Citibank and I would, and I worked for their customer service, taking calls from Puerto Rico, and I just remember this guy he's like his name was Lemuel and I was just like hold on.
Speaker 1:I was like Can't read the answer, yet I was like wait your name.
Speaker 3:And I just couldn't resist. I was like what's this name about? And he's like he was just like mi mamalo inventor, whatever, like my mom invented it, or you know.
Speaker 2:And I was like it was not Mormon.
Speaker 3:He was not Mormon or anything and his name was was one of the.
Speaker 1:He heard it from a missionary for sure.
Speaker 3:The villains of the book.
Speaker 2:Who, by the way, is not a villain. He is Lemuel, are you all right? Some of the most, I'm sorry, mike Reasonable members of this ragtag. The obvious villain in this book is Nephi.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he's a dick oh.
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 3:I haven't listened to the earlier.
Speaker 1:We don't swear on this podcast, oh JK.
Speaker 2:Jesus JK.
Speaker 1:I forgot about that. I'm here for the rules.
Speaker 3:Like imagine if Nephi was your brother. Oh, I'd fucking kill him.
Speaker 1:No, like my brother is like me, I guess I wouldn't kill him.
Speaker 2:I'd actually be really afraid, because he's a homicidal maniac.
Speaker 1:He's got big arms, he's got big arms, is that? A wait, is that a?
Speaker 3:I've even watched the tunes. Or is this the or yeah, don't you?
Speaker 1:remember the depictions, yeah but, they're like on the boat and they're wearing these gold bracelets, and they're tan and their arms are huge and you're all I wish Nephi would fuck me as a 10 year old.
Speaker 3:That's what I thought too. Do you need a minute, or we can do a little pause, pause.
Speaker 2:But I didn't want. It wasn't Nephi, cause it was like it was the younger one, the young kid on the front, god that is dreamy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was too young, he was a teenager. You sicko, what about? I also like the silver boxes.
Speaker 2:I have that tendency.
Speaker 3:No the best artist of silver foxes. I'll put you like the muscle.
Speaker 1:But the Adidas, remember Adidas, yeah, adidas, and he was all. I'm starving in a cage, but look at my long silver.
Speaker 2:I was a teenager at the time, that's not wrong, oh listen.
Speaker 3:Ha, ha, ha ha ha ha. You got me. I am tragically straight, but I would, I would give, I would tragically straight, but I would pay a thousand dollars to have like seven minutes in the closet with him.
Speaker 1:My eyebrows are so gray. Jesus, that man.
Speaker 3:Seriously, you shouldn't look that good at his age I that's that's actually my.
Speaker 2:It's on my mirror.
Speaker 3:No, I mean it's on my bathroom mirror.
Speaker 2:I mean I guess, yeah, that's my goal. I mean culturally managed, gracefully, and he is like the poster child Okay, you can be 80 and fuckable, like if I'm 80 and I'm that ripped I'm actually growing my hair out like he did, just kind of like oh my God.
Speaker 3:You know, I that reminds me, I saw the Thor movie poster.
Speaker 1:No, sorry, this was he's so skinny. Look at his boning, zoom in zoom in to.
Speaker 3:that is not skinny. That might be skinny in the painting. No, that guy walked by you in a tank Like and had that.
Speaker 1:Look at his chesticles that is full boned.
Speaker 3:No, look at those arms.
Speaker 1:No, that he is juicing that is his rib cage and sternum, no, the arms are good.
Speaker 3:No, it's called. No, it's a side view, if you front.
Speaker 1:I'll send this. I'll send this, we'll put this on. No, he has, he has.
Speaker 2:Don.
Speaker 3:Thonis's glasses.
Speaker 2:he can't sit.
Speaker 3:He has somebody hurt him, musk no no, he is like a little bit a minor wardrobe change away from being a hardcore like sexy raver Like no, that guy maybe not even a wardrobe change.
Speaker 1:Please do not associate this guy with a sexy raver.
Speaker 3:You're making me irritate. No, he is ready, he's rave ready and he's the center of the attention.
Speaker 2:I don't know if he's rave ready, but he's definitely burning men ready.
Speaker 1:Look, you've been to three raves now, mike, let's just slow the roll on a benedict is rave ready. But I also want to draw on him like some he could get, like some candy. Yes, I mean we're going to post this picture with him with some candy and like some glow bracelets and stuff.
Speaker 2:We actually need Mike to help us with this, because Bronze, because Bronze isn't here we can shit up Bronze, yeah, bronze.
Speaker 1:Forgot what day it is, bronze, you've been dropping the ball on this casting. Bronze doesn't know what day it is.
Speaker 2:He doesn't know what day it is. He has been dropping the ball Not here.
Speaker 1:Like, where's the casting pictures?
Speaker 2:I have like a backlog of six things Bronze said he would do.
Speaker 1:Let's just take five more minutes and shit on Bronze, except we need more tangent. So we can't make it mad.
Speaker 3:I have to finish the point I was sorry sir, really really quick. Because you said you wanted to curl the hair long and because it's so sexy. I'll say this Remember, when we didn't know who Thor was Chris Hemsworth and I saw this Thor movie poster and I saw it and I'm like I'm not cutting my hair.
Speaker 1:Oh boy.
Speaker 3:And it got down to my shoulders and all I got to say is that long hair or hair length wasn't the thing keeping me from looking like Chris Hemsworth.
Speaker 1:So I am saying, here we go. I'm glad you came to the realization.
Speaker 2:I actually don't think I'll ever grow my hair out, because I think I look really good bald.
Speaker 1:I could do look really good bald.
Speaker 3:Maybe I'm not tragically straight. That's sweet of you to say Do you have seven minutes?
Speaker 2:In heaven, all right. So we've got just two and a half pages left, kara, and I feel like the thing that has been missing from Jacob is accents.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we need it.
Speaker 2:I'm still struggling because, like Jacob, is which accent should we do? I don't know, I don't know what the Jacob accent is.
Speaker 1:Well, it's the vineyard you've been doing the Mexican gardener, which is very inappropriate.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, but I am half Mexican.
Speaker 1:Well, I haven't done it for the record.
Speaker 3:I'm allowed to do like a hill.
Speaker 2:Let's make it, let's give them all the redneck accents, everyone, everybody can. Hey, cletus, but do you know what?
Speaker 3:they're like hey, Mark, get off the roof.
Speaker 1:I can see my mouth in there. Hey, paul, yeah, I feel like every time we just go down to Southern, it's probably it's pretty apt.
Speaker 2:It's pretty, yeah, it's pretty great.
Speaker 1:OK, who's reading? What if I start and then?
Speaker 2:might get to do it Like well. Essentially chapter three paragraphs.
Speaker 1:Chapter IV is a whole paragraph no.
Speaker 2:One paragraph, chapter. I want you guys to consider.
Speaker 3:I know it's editing work, but when you're reading, we're not editing shit when you're reading you play like inspiration.
Speaker 1:The Beverly Hill Billy.
Speaker 3:Ground music. That's what we did on.
Speaker 1:Mission no 1. What about the Benny Hill sounds like the Benny Hill song Like something like Angelic, like in, just like yeah, he's trying to tell us. I think it has to be thematic.
Speaker 3:I just got some notes for you guys. I appreciate it. I like this note, but I do think it needs to be. I would say we did that online.
Speaker 2:I think it needs to be thematically on point. So what is the what Zenos concerning the house of Israel. All right, kara. Why don't you Channel? I don't know you got a Jacob right. He's kind of a whiny bitch. And he's coming to the end of his. He's coming to the end.
Speaker 1:Is he coming to the end?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I think they all die when they stop writing.
Speaker 3:Oh shit Of his, like his, like incoherent fever dream.
Speaker 1:Oh, I looked ahead, I looked ahead, yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh Jesus, look at this You're a prophet. No, no, but look, look, that's the end of it. I know, but look how Jacob leaves.
Speaker 1:Wait, where are we at Enos?
Speaker 2:Oh, my God he says brother, oh don't, don't read it out loud, but look at that.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God.
Speaker 3:Oh that's. Is that French? That's French.
Speaker 1:Oh God.
Speaker 2:I've read that.
Speaker 1:That is hot Are you serious, right now, you don't speak French.
Speaker 3:No, no, I'm not saying but like how long has it been since you've walked out of a social gathering with a French word Like that is a flex?
Speaker 1:Well, my fiance always OK, are we doing? Are we going to do this? Let's do it.
Speaker 2:We're going to do it All right carry you to bed. Oh my God we're almost done.
Speaker 1:You're a prophet and I didn't realize it. The book of.
Speaker 2:Gonzo. You just don't believe in Gonzo.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:It's OK, I repent, so I'm going to have to stop shouting Street preaching.
Speaker 1:OK, ok, can I be old Is?
Speaker 2:that what I'm doing, ok, because he's at the end of his days now.
Speaker 1:OK, there's only two more really short chapters left. And now behold, my brethren, as I said unto you that I would prophesy behold, this is my prophecy that the things which this prophet Zena spake concern in the house of. Israel. I always have that southern twang In the witch. He likened them unto an olive tree. Oh my, God he's telling us that this is likening. This isn't even a real story.
Speaker 2:I like this. I like this for Jacob. He says that because he's a prophet, he can vouch for what some other prophet said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, this is my prophecy.
Speaker 2:That that guy said was true, maybe he's stole what Zena said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so he's like. He likened them unto the olive tree, the house of Israel, and it must surely come to pass.
Speaker 2:OK.
Speaker 1:And in the day that he shall set his hand. Honey, can you get me some water to parts my dry lips?
Speaker 2:Some teas and crackers would be nice yeah.
Speaker 1:And in the day that he shall set again his hand, the second time to recover his people is the day, yea, even the last time, that the servants of the Lord shall go forth, in his power, to nourish and prune his vineyard. This vineyard and after that, the end soon cometh, and how blessed are they are they who have labored diligently in his vineyard and listened to his shit, and how cursed are they which shall be cast out into their own place.
Speaker 2:No exclamation point.
Speaker 1:Exclamation point and the world shall be burned with fire. And how merciful is our God unto us for he rememberth the house of Israel. Both roots and branches Fuck this. And he stretches forth his hands into them all day long. And there are stiff-necked and again saying people gain.
Speaker 2:That's fine.
Speaker 1:They just yell and gain all day.
Speaker 2:That's actually anti-Semitic right there. I think that is.
Speaker 1:I don't get it. But as many as will not harden their hearts shall be saved in the kingdom of God. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I beseech of you, in words of soberness I have not had any wine that ye would repent and come with full purpose of heart and cleave unto God as he cleaveeth unto you, as my wife's cleavage cleaves unto my shlaw.
Speaker 2:So he's going to motorboat? God, this is weird. I didn't realize God was. I guess God's like Buddha, right, he's kind of a little.
Speaker 1:And while his arm of mercy is extended towards you in the light of the day, harden not your hearts. Yay, today, if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts, for why will ye die? Why will ye die? For behold, after that ye have been nourished by the good word of God all the day long, will ye bring forth evil fruit that ye must be hewn down and cast into the fire. Behold, will ye reject these words, will ye reject the words of the prophets, and will ye reject all the words.
Speaker 3:By the way, isn't that? I find that in general. Sorry, am I allowed to interrupt?
Speaker 2:Yes, please, please do Honor all your us.
Speaker 1:Well.
Speaker 3:I just know that everyone is probably enraptured with the actual text.
Speaker 2:And I don't want to. Why can't I? I thought it was because of the way I was saying it. I don't want to ruin the flow. Yeah, it's you did.
Speaker 3:But that's the thing people do. It's not isolated to religion, but it's like, hey, these aren't, this isn't my opinion, like you're not disagreeing with me, right?
Speaker 2:now Right, I mean, this is some real, but some higher authority.
Speaker 3:So if you're disagreeing with like it is, it's like my single biggest pet peeve Like in the like in any sort of stage where people are trying to have a conversation about ideas, when people turn to that sort of like Appeal to authority.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, like I'm not the one who made up the concept. Well, you brought it up.
Speaker 2:I'm actually being taken. I'm feeling a little cheated here because you know, jacob went all these pages and now he's admitting he's like well, I actually just copied this from I just copied this from Zanis oh, my God Okay. And sorry. And he's just doing a shitty job of it, I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I mean, we did, we did get our own, Like, if you're going to plagiarize.
Speaker 3:You've got to make it better.
Speaker 2:He's definitely a wuss. He's a wussy kind of.
Speaker 1:It hurts my fingers to tap into this heart metal.
Speaker 2:He's a chronic masturbator.
Speaker 3:No, you would think, considering how they're supposedly transcribed these things. Tighten it up bro.
Speaker 1:Well, we've established that, jacob. No, no, no, you've missed the part.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, we've established that Neffy, because he's a full on full blown Trumpian narcissist Like he had scribes.
Speaker 1:Okay, he could just be long winded, but then, jacob was kind of a wuss. He said initially.
Speaker 2:He didn't get to be the leader of the people.
Speaker 3:Oh is.
Speaker 2:Jacob, his brother.
Speaker 1:Is Jacob's his younger brother oh.
Speaker 2:But somebody else is the king, yeah like nothing. Is the king prophet yeah and then neffi divided the job, or the people divided the job, yeah, and so Jacob is like this Naked clothes list preacher with an angry wife and he came in at the very beginning.
Speaker 1:He goes, I want to tell you, but it's really hard to write all this- down.
Speaker 3:Okay, I don't shit. See, qualifies this. He's like.
Speaker 1:I am so sorry vineyard 700 times and it's a past 700 times.
Speaker 3:You guys know how many good stories I've told that have started with an apology.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've already worked six.
Speaker 2:Zero yeah, what never worked out? It never this is yikes.
Speaker 3:She's not disagreeing with me either. Sorry, I shouldn't be telling you this but I gots to.
Speaker 1:I'm the prophet. All right, keep going Kara will you reject the words of the prophets, oh, and will you reject all the words which have been spoken concerning Christ after that? So many have spoken concerning him and Deny the good word of Christ at the power of God and a gift of the Holy Ghost, and quench the Holy Spirit and make a mark of the great plan of the Holy Spirit's favorite drink is like oh, oh. I think it depends.
Speaker 2:It's probably like so we know Jesus isn't a wine guy. He's not no, jesus Jesus is a wine giant, jesus wine I think of God is like probably an old-fashioned Okay, right, but the Holy.
Speaker 3:He does like destruction. No, it's vodka, it's straight from the bottle, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I like this. Yeah, I like this for God. You mean a dollar a dollar bottle. Yeah, so God's.
Speaker 1:He's just experimenting with us on his drunk rampage.
Speaker 2:What's the Holy Spirit then?
Speaker 1:He's well, I feel like the Holy Spirit likes to follow the trends, so like it's whiskey right now. Okay in a few years it'll be vodka drink like.
Speaker 2:So he's a little bit like whatever is in vogue.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he just tries to like be friends with you because he's like whispering in your ear oh, did you.
Speaker 3:Did you know another Moscow meal? I thought he was like whatever gets you there kind of guy. But I alright.
Speaker 2:Imagine the Holy Spirit, like going up to the bar, like after I'm sorry I'm doing a lot of projecting.
Speaker 3:We're talking about me, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you are projecting this shit out of the whole Like a vodka like a vanilla vodka for the Holy Spirit at some point.
Speaker 1:That's very sweet, that warms your heart, just like a vanilla vodka and quench the Holy Spirit. Sorry, I just switched the whole thing With a vanilla vodka and make a mock of the great plan of redemption which has been laid for you. Know you not that if you will do these things, that the power of the redemption and the resurrection which is in Christ will bring you to stand with shame and off guilt before the bar?
Speaker 2:of Wait what Wait? Oh yes, oh, not do these things.
Speaker 1:I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like they always go to shame and according to the power of justice for justice cannot Be denied that you must go away into that lake of fire and brimstone whose flames are unquenchable.
Speaker 2:And it's not enough vanilla vodka.
Speaker 1:No, you can't. If you poured that on, it would just make it worse make it worse. And who smoke a centipede forever and ever. Which lake of fire and brimstone is endless torment. Oh then, my beloved brother, and repent and enter in at the straight gate no gaze here and Continue in the way, which is narrow.
Speaker 2:How is it possible? There's no gaze and there's vanilla vodka. That doesn't make.
Speaker 1:It's a little bit of a Until you shall obtain eternal life. Oh, be wise. What can I say more? Finally, I bid you farewell and Before the please For which bar, strike at the wicked with our old dragon.
Speaker 3:What? Sit listen, say what you will. Motherfucker knows how to end a conversation.
Speaker 2:And then, oh, this is an epilogue, this is all right. The wicked, oh okay, all right. So.
Speaker 1:To Jacob, to Jacob, wait, clink, clink okay.
Speaker 2:All right, jacob, but there's one more short chapter.
Speaker 1:Can you guys handle it?
Speaker 2:Oh, of course we can't may you rest in our listeners. All right, mike, here we go, like chapter V Epilogue you're the narrator. Oh.
Speaker 3:I'm reading you're the narrator bring it you guys didn't tell me that literacy was a requirement.
Speaker 2:Okay, you're okay Well.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna talk like a normal person.
Speaker 2:Okay, but but if you had a regular childhood. What all right, if you feel so called, just lean in.
Speaker 3:I was. I can't. I'm trying to think of an accent and I can't.
Speaker 2:They're all about Find it All right. No, all right. There's a name here and that's gonna. It's gonna help you.
Speaker 3:All right, and now it came to pass that after some year. I'm doing a soft voice, I'm gonna. I'm doing a sincere voice.
Speaker 1:Some years passed away.
Speaker 3:There came a man among the people of Nephi, a man whose name was. Shirem, and it came to pass that he began to preach among the people and to declare unto them that there should be no Christ.
Speaker 1:Hey guys, there's no fucking cries, are you serious?
Speaker 2:Like do you think people are preaching this shit?
Speaker 1:and they're like this wait. But Jacob said there was a Christ. What do?
Speaker 2:we do the naked guy, naked guys, that there was a guy and he preached many things that were flattering unto the people.
Speaker 3:He's just like there's no Christ. And oh my god, you look great nice. Ties it together.
Speaker 1:Hot house.
Speaker 3:Like oh my god, Christ sucks. He's so nice.
Speaker 2:Fuck you guys. All right, all right. So I think we've identified. Shirem is actually a flamboyantly gay and he doesn't have a hard job because he literally all he has to do is be nice.
Speaker 1:This is to be nice people.
Speaker 2:Instead of saying your shit, you're gonna burn in.
Speaker 1:Hell, he's in sales you guys.
Speaker 2:Oh, he's in sales too, yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay, Shirem, Okay, and this and this he done. What Okay he done on this? This is why we need to do a southern accent. That I can't all right.
Speaker 2:He might over.
Speaker 3:I can.
Speaker 2:I can sustain an accent first I can sustain an accent for three seconds.
Speaker 3:Okay, and then and then it will just progressively become a racist caricature of something Don't and he and he, whoa, whoa, whoa and that he where was I, Jesus Christ? Oh sorry Jesus. And he, I'll just and he labored diligently that he might lead away the hearts of the people, in so much that he did lead Away many hearts. Okay, you could have removed half that sentence. And and he, knowing that I, jacob, had faith in Christ, which should come where, for he sought much opportunity that he might Come unto me.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 3:This is a little too on point and he was learned that he had a perfect knowledge of language of the people. Is well, hey, you're also. You're also like hey, jacob, you could learn a thing or two.
Speaker 2:So we just learned is don't Jacob's like a little bit of a podunk? Yeah, people are like he's naked in the streets. Yeah, I'm telling people their shit. Yeah, just mean it's a hard sell man, how does sweeten the deal, man?
Speaker 3:I know, yeah, where, for he could use much flattery and much power of speech according to the power of the devil rude Okay, oh.
Speaker 1:I'm made up character fightin words. I'm gonna tell you right now like that's hot.
Speaker 3:I mean so far all I'm saying, so far this sharem he's I'd fuck he's invited to the party.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I mean I'd listen, I'm sorry, nobody asked if you would fuck him. Why are you volunteering?
Speaker 3:It's like I admit to being sexually attracted to a binedi. And now suddenly it's about who. Who are we gonna fuck?
Speaker 1:Your role is to read a flamboyant gay man now.
Speaker 3:I think sure, I'm the powerbottom and he had hoped to shake me from the faith, not withstanding the many revelations and the many things which I had seen concerning these things like clearly he's being tempted. I mean cuz he's like why is he trying to tell me all this, not withstanding all things?
Speaker 2:It's just like we've all been dreamy, we've all been persuaded by the wild, but like attractive suceir you know you had for for I had truly seen angels and they had ministered unto me.
Speaker 1:Also.
Speaker 3:I had heard the voice of the Lord speaking unto me, the very word from the time from time to time, wherefore I could not be shaken. You sure shout sound. Shaken, jacob. This is not the sound of a man, unshaken. This is like the time when people are like Jacob. This is sort of like when you say I don't care, like in the in the history of that phrase, nobody who doesn't care. I said that phrase.
Speaker 2:It's like he is shaking.
Speaker 3:quite take it, he is shook and it came to pass that he came unto me and on this wise, I like the. I know you guys are already deep into the Book of Mormon now and the novelty of it.
Speaker 2:So easily. Who can do? Who can do a shurem voice right now.
Speaker 1:Shake it up, check it in cuz cuz. He came in saying the top pop song from.
Speaker 2:No, I can't do a gay voice, it's not right. Tell me if this is close. Brother Jacob, I have sought much opportunity that I might speak unto you. Oh, oh, I've heard and also know, and that thou goest about much Preaching that which he called the gospel a gospel in the doctrine of Christ and and you've led away Much of this people that they perceive the right, don't skip that word. Sorry, I have no glasses.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna try these. Let me try reading the iron, cuz it's dark in here. No, no, no, that's not gonna work. It will prefer.
Speaker 2:No, I can't even really.
Speaker 3:Okay, go on.
Speaker 2:No, I just I forgot my regular glasses, so I just prescription sunglasses cataract surgery and keep now the law of Moses, which is in the right way in here and convert the law of Moses unto the worship of being which you say Shall come many hundreds of years hence and now behold I. I sure am ha declare unto you that this is blasphemy, that's for me, for no man knoweth such things, for he cannot tell of these things to come and after this manner.
Speaker 3:Okay, so Okay Again, still fucking sure M reasonable dude reasonable dude. I'm sold. And after this manner did Shirem contend against me. For behold, the Lord God poured in his spirit, into my soul, in so much that I did confound him in all his words and I say who are you asking?
Speaker 2:Are you, are we?
Speaker 3:asking Shirem.
Speaker 2:Okay. So this always happens in this book. There's always like off-camera. I drop bombs, but it's like tell us, tell us what you did, but it's always off-camera. It's like, oh, and then I just totally like poned him.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know, he's like me in the shower thinking about a conflict two days later. This is exactly where I'm like oh yeah these are the bombs I dropped, and then I make that the story I tell everyone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is some shit.
Speaker 3:I haven't actually done that and the Lord, god, poured his spirit into my soul in as much that I Confound him. Was sorry, I'm repeating myself and I say a fun to him Deny us now the Christ which should come, and he say if, if there should be a Christ, I would not deny him, but it'd be so wait, no, this is you, sorry, sorry, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so what makes? So? It makes Christ. Christ. He's the second coming. That's what makes him magical.
Speaker 1:He's like wait here I go.
Speaker 2:It's not one, it's two. It's always two with Jesus. So it's like Boom and then that, right up, right away. The second one.
Speaker 1:That's actually no wonder people worship him. Are you serious? I'm telling you right now.
Speaker 2:We just learned this my eyebrows are a gas gas.
Speaker 1:My mouth is a gate gas a gate.
Speaker 3:I say, yeah, I called the second coming a two-fer.
Speaker 2:It's like that's like that is.
Speaker 3:That is actually divine pleasant surprise, I believe. I guess it's not a surprise Also, like if you're gonna do it a second time, like don't brag about it beforehand, like hey guys, no, this party trick I got, I come twice, no wonder, yeah, okay, like prove it, okay. So are you gonna read the end? And I say a thing to wait, no, no, where, oh, no, it's still me, it's still.
Speaker 2:you're still your narrators. He's nervous, you guys.
Speaker 1:I should not he's there's no president and I okay, I say a.
Speaker 3:Thing to him. I need to start learning how to keep my you have to use your finger to keep track of. No, I'm not nervous. You guys make me uncomfortable. Yeah, no, it is not, it is.
Speaker 1:Charges with a crime.
Speaker 3:It's not me you're making uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:It's God man up.
Speaker 3:What Jesus woman? And I say a thing to him believe us, tell the scriptures. And he say it yeah. And I say it to him wait what he said. He believes the scriptures Like okay, all right All right, I mean, that's a weird. Yeah, cool, cool cool, then you do not understand them, for they truly testify of Christ, I mean the kind of do so. This is a little weird trim.
Speaker 1:This is a weird behold.
Speaker 3:I say unto you that none of the prophets have written or prophesied, say they have spoken concerning this Christ. And this is not all. It has been made manifest unto me, for I have heard and Seen, and it has also been made manifest unto me by the power of the Holy Ghost, wherefore I know if there should be no atonement made. All mankind must be lost. Draw me a picture, then you've seen them. Let's see.
Speaker 2:Like where is this taking? Are you serious?
Speaker 1:Hold on. So we've got okay. So you've seen him. So no, I just seen the pictures of him.
Speaker 2:I want you gonna paint this. I want to paint this picture because I'm trying to figure this out. So we've got a very aged decrepit age. All right. So Jacob, he's just kind of on his last leg, uh-huh. He's been railing in the streets for his entire life, and then this beautiful human being, sharem, comes and, and I honestly feel like Sharem is actually the kindest person in Jacob's life.
Speaker 3:It's hardest.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like he's, because everyone he seek, he sought him out.
Speaker 2:He sought him out.
Speaker 1:He's just like look want to talk to you. You're feeble and old he hasn't said anything.
Speaker 3:Mean to Jacob.
Speaker 2:I'm imagining a smithers mr Burns kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Oh, boy like that, I like that, like. Can we pass, mr Smithers?
Speaker 2:I actually like you, jacob. You're pretty cute.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's where we are?
Speaker 3:I'm on the next paragraph, right? Yes, and it came to pass that he say a thunt to me, shoot me a sign. I mean, that's the word I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't.
Speaker 3:Okay, you may assign by, by this power of the Holy Ghost, in which, oh, in which, he knows so much. And I said unto him what am I that I should tempt God to shoe unto the assign in the thing which thou knowest to be true, yet that will deny it, because thou art the devil. Jesus, man, pump the fucking break. I mean you think Jacob that escalated real fast, reasonable, just like dude, okay, like I. I just you just tell me he's like you and jay was just a fuck you like I mean there's Okay, I see what, I see what sure I'm season Jacob.
Speaker 2:Okay, like there's just so much passion Okay and just. Britals yeah, it's like self-expression, you've got sometimes.
Speaker 3:Sometimes you're like man. I respect the conviction. It's like when you're talking to like a conspiracy theorist right, who's like super and deep into like you're not, you don't want to tell Back, just want to drink.
Speaker 1:No, you're like, tell me more.
Speaker 3:It's like like I want to know more about this, this, this, yeah, this darkness, nevertheless, not my will be done, but if God shall smite thee, let whoa, that's where you go Hold on.
Speaker 2:Well like have you not read any of the scriptures? Well, you don't know. Is that Jacob is privy to something. God has a full-time Smiter. Okay, actually has a person on the payroll called the smiter. I'm telling you he's, he's like it's a recent discovery. Yeah, we didn't know this.
Speaker 3:It's like dark God. He's like blood in, blood out man.
Speaker 2:Just like.
Speaker 3:Show me a sign like like no to me a sign is like we're talking, then suddenly I'm getting a back rub and then I turn around and nobody's there, like that's a fucking sign, right. So anyway, well, let's see how it goes. I'm still gonna give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not, that God is actually not a dick Smite. Let that be a sign unto thee that have power both in heaven and in earth, and also that Christ shall come and Thy will, oh Lord, be done and not mine.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, but if he's dead, he won't know that. What sign was fulfilled?
Speaker 2:Let's see where this is going, but I, if I'm gonna make a prediction here, it is that Jacob is gonna misconstrue what actually happens.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I'm ready. And it came to pass that when I, jacob, had spoken these words, the power Some much that he fell to the earth. And it came to pass that he was Norrish for the space of many days and it came to pass that he saith unto the people gather together On the morrow.
Speaker 1:I like it.
Speaker 2:For I shall die.
Speaker 1:How does he know?
Speaker 2:Wherefore I desire to speak unto the people Before that I shall die. And it came to pass that on the morrow that the multitude were gathered together and he spake plainly unto them and deny the things which he had taught them, and he confessed the Christ and the power of the Holy Ghost and the Ministering of angels, and he spake plainly unto them that he had been deceived by the power of the devil.
Speaker 2:And now, sure, I'm the bad guy and he's spake of hell and eternity and a eternal punishment. And he said I fear that I have committed the unpartenable sin for which I have lied unto God.
Speaker 3:So he had a stroke yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, this was I mean. That's the generous interpretation. I actually think what actually happened is sure, I'm just like Jacob's, not great.
Speaker 2:I'll let him die peacefully knowing, and he said I have a fear that I have committed the unpartenable sin, for I've lied unto God, for I denied the Christ and said that I believe the scriptures and they truly testify him. And Because that I have thus lied Under God, I greatly fear lest my cause shall be awful. But I confess unto God, and it came to pass, that he had said these words. He couldn't say no more, oh Lord, and he gave up the ghost. That is so dramatic. I mean sure, and come on, that's pretty lovely. Sure goes out with like a bang, and when the multitudinous witness I'm like, I can see. Sure he's like. But I confess unto God.
Speaker 2:It's a shame that this is like and when the multitudinous witness that he spake these things, he said and and what about to give up the ghost? They were a Stonest exceedingly In so much that the power of God came down upon them and they were overcome. So if only I don't think I've ever experienced overcome, I have that they fell to the earth. You're better than this have you ever fallen to the earth. Care like overcome.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, oh, are you serious? No, I am serious.
Speaker 2:Okay okay, I Think I like this for you. But then I also kind of feel, okay, that's kind of where I was at, overcome a stonest exceedingly in so much when where's overcome again. Oh, there they go. Now. This thing was pleasing unto me, jacob he fucking died and Jacob's like. Alright, so Jacob is mr Burns.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God evil.
Speaker 2:For I had requested it of my father, which was in heaven, for he had heard my cry and answer. Jacob asked Jacob pray that somebody died.
Speaker 3:No, imagine getting into a pleasant disagreement with someone, and who, by the way, is a lovely. Yeah and then they die and you're like fuck. I want to say like this was the desired outcome. Like. What kind of like Insufferable asshole is this man?
Speaker 2:Jacob is not. He's not a no, this isn't even insufferable.
Speaker 3:This is like you hear it. I'm telling you.
Speaker 2:I actually think the Smithers burns things. Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 3:I mean okay, okay, okay, I had a timer to when I've been in a disagreement and I would have maybe not minded that it ended like.
Speaker 2:Well, I hope this argument ends with you having an annuars.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean okay, all right.
Speaker 2:All right, here we go. Kara, do you want to?
Speaker 1:I guess, and it came to pass that the that peace and it came to pass, that peace and the love of God Was restored again among the people, people, and they search the scriptures and harken no more to the words of this wicked man. I can't do that, and it came to pass that many means were devised to reclaim and restore the layman. I restore the layman nights to the knowledge of the truth, but it all were vain.
Speaker 2:It just keeps.
Speaker 1:It's so dramatic for they did light it in wars and blood chess and they had an eternal hatred against us, their brethren. It never ends and oh, there's a typo, and they saw by the power of the arm. Wait, wait, hold on. Oh, they forgot. Sought the teas missing and they sought, by the power of their arms, to destroy us Continually. You guys know that I'm not a good yeah, but I also like that.
Speaker 3:Maybe the thing that was the most off-putting about this story was the missing tea.
Speaker 2:It's really difficult.
Speaker 1:Where for the people of me fight it for? To fight against them with their armies and with all their might, trusting in the God and the rock of their salvation, wherefore they became, as yet, conquerors of their enemies. And it came to pass that I, jacob, began to be old. Oh shit, just now, what the fuck?
Speaker 2:do I do?
Speaker 1:He's been acting old the whole time it's guns as well and the record of this people being kept on the other plates of me five Wherefore.
Speaker 2:I conclude the record.
Speaker 1:Declaring that I've written according to the best of my knowledge, by saying that the time passed away with us and also our lives passed away.
Speaker 2:Chisholia. Hona is Jacob bisexual, oh my god.
Speaker 1:She's difficult To decipher her words. Maybe you're not pure in heart. What am I psychic? That's a new one we haven't seen either. Okay, well, that's okay, all right and Blah, blah, blah, that the time passed away with us, that also our lives passed away, and Like acid we're unto a dream.
Speaker 2:He can you do a sound effect hold, on hold on, give me a second.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's gonna fight it say dream again dream we are weaving, a lonesome and a solemn. We're lonesome and a solemn people.
Speaker 2:Why are they lonesome?
Speaker 1:this is like that castle in the Money Python movie, the Holy Grail movie, and they're like we just pour young girls of 14 and 15 stuck at a castle. Spank me Okay. Hold on, solom people, wanderers, cast out of Jerusalem, born in Tribulation in the wilderness and hated for our brethren, which Caused woes and contensions. We're for. We do it more and out, our days more and out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, here, yeah, okay, here we go.
Speaker 1:And I, jacob and my mold saw that I must go soon down to my grave, wherefore I sat under my son and no off, take these blights, I can't even lift them. And I told them the things which my brother defied come out of Any promise of idiots Onto the commands and I made an end of my ride about these whites. Oh which writing has been small. He's a really tiny penman, and to the reader I bid farewell bullshit.
Speaker 2:Reena to the Ho-way, breaking what is called breaking of the fourth.
Speaker 3:No, here we are. Who would have thunk it, John?
Speaker 1:Yeah we're not done yet to my readers. Oh, thanks, podcast readers. I've enjoyed reading the scriptures to you, hoping that many of my brethren have may read my words. Brethren, adieu fuck.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Fuck right there.
Speaker 2:Okay, so what we've established is that Jacob and Sharem did fuck.
Speaker 3:This all happens and then it seems like it ended poorly, right like Sharem died for nothing, is that?
Speaker 2:yeah, I miss read that. Like no, hold on, hold on my. So yeah, but then they'll, you know, go to shit. I like what you're going with this, but what we have to understand is like, look, we're reading the people who get to write.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so this is not true.
Speaker 2:This is. This is what they hope people will believe just like up we know, there's no way. Sharem died. Oh wait now.
Speaker 1:You're gonna tell me like.
Speaker 2:WWE isn't really he was translated there's no way Sharem died. Jacob is just like so. Jen Sharem, we fucked. I felt embarrassed, everybody knew that we fucked. And now my life is over, I'm an old.
Speaker 3:Oh, he's trying to really distance himself. It's really gonna just yeah. I'm telling you like there was no, I hated him the whole time.
Speaker 2:Come on. There was a moment there, right, and he sayeth I fear lest I have committed the unpartnable sin.
Speaker 1:That's murder. No, oh, it's, but it's but sex shoot. I'm sorry, I'd forgotten.
Speaker 2:That was fun okay.