This is a very special 30th episode because it started this summer when Kelly sat down to record with us at Revival and, well, it was the most magical, funny, insightful episode we’ve ever recorded. Seriously, I think it was going to be our pièce de résistance but tragedy struck and the battery we were using to power the recording equipment failed and when it did it corrupted the recording. We lost like 56 minutes of magic. This was our 116 lost pages moment.
Do we try and re-record it? No! That was magic and to try and rebottle that lightning would be to spit the face of the muse—which she’s totally into by the way but you know what I mean.
Do we give up? NO! But only because we like drinking heavily in the middle of the week.
So, we did the only thing we could do. We invited Kelly back and trusted in the fates that they would deliver us something to make up for what was lost. And they totally delivered! We got perspective, penis jokes, and hard peach tea which was super delicious!
We burn through the books of Jarom and Omni, and oh, are you in for a treat. Poor Joseph beats himself up over losing 116 pages when he need not fret. These books are a hold-my-bear-moment in the BOM. Jarom is a testament to that old Stanislavsky line: there are no small roles, only small actors, and Jarom, Omni, and like 17 other bit roles turn up larger than life!
Thank you, Kelly and Five Wives Vodka!
This is a very special 30th episode because it started this summer when Kelly sat down to record with us at Revival and, well, it was the most magical, funny, insightful episode we’ve ever recorded. Seriously, I think it was going to be our pièce de résistance but tragedy struck and the battery we were using to power the recording equipment failed and when it did it corrupted the recording. We lost like 56 minutes of magic. This was our 116 lost pages moment.
Do we try and re-record it? No! That was magic and to try and rebottle that lightning would be to spit the face of the muse—which she’s totally into by the way but you know what I mean.
Do we give up? NO! But only because we like drinking heavily in the middle of the week.
So, we did the only thing we could do. We invited Kelly back and trusted in the fates that they would deliver us something to make up for what was lost. And they totally delivered! We got perspective, penis jokes, and hard peach tea which was super delicious!
We burn through the books of Jarom and Omni, and oh, are you in for a treat. Poor Joseph beats himself up over losing 116 pages when he need not fret. These books are a hold-my-bear-moment in the BOM. Jarom is a testament to that old Stanislavsky line: there are no small roles, only small actors, and Jarom, Omni, and like 17 other bit roles turn up larger than life!
Thank you, Kelly and Five Wives Vodka!
Yeah, and it came to pass that. They came many times, oh, against us. So they're having a good time.
Speaker 2:Oh, oh, oh, oh oh.
Speaker 3:Those are the murder. The eat some blood sausage. Oh, oh oh.
Speaker 4:I'll say it go around the room 24 hour max. What's your record? Go ahead.
Speaker 3:So this episode came together really nice. We were able to sit down with Kelly from Five Wives Distillery and he sat down with us when we were up at Revival Festival this summer and recorded with us. And we sadly had some technical difficulties and the battery died. And when the battery died it didn't just die and we missed part of the recording because it died or the equipment failed, because of the battery dying and it corrupted that recording. So we literally cut the record down. So we literally, karmically, have our own 116 last pages moment with Kelly. But, unlike Joseph Smith, we were undaunted, we didn't want to re-record it. We knew that. You know, that never works out. Joseph taught us that much. But we knew there was going to be another opportunity and so we sat down and delightfully he comes in at like such a great moment. Because you know, we've had these longer books, nephi's books and the book of Jacob and you know, and Jacob goes through his progeny and we had Ennis and that kind of bit. Well, we got Jerome and Omni and these are really close out books, right, these are.
Speaker 3:This is Joseph in all of his genius burning the clock. Right, he's got a timeline in his head. He's got to get to, you know, jesus time, and he's got like 600 years. He's got to burn through. And you know he eats up a lot of the clock with Nephi but he doesn't do so efficiently, right? Nephi's what? 122 pages droning on and on Jacob, much, much shorter book, but you know, drones on and on, and so now he's got, I don't know, 300 plus years. He's got to, he's got to chew through, and so he writes us. You know almost a dozen characters and they're, and each is more ridiculous and delightful and shorter than the last. And we have so much fun with it. And I think over and over again, I am delighted by these moments that show that, for all of its uh, clumsiness in the way that it is written, there is a genius in the narrative and, frankly, even the clumsiness itself has its own kind of genius. Enjoy.
Speaker 6:Well, just recently I was up at the Shambhala music festival.
Speaker 2:Yes, how did that go?
Speaker 6:Uh best one of the best experiences of my life.
Speaker 4:This is the one in Canada. Yeah, in Canada it looked incredible, it looked like you sold me on that yeah.
Speaker 6:I bought, I got there with the best Well, everybody playing in that stream.
Speaker 3:That stream looked magical.
Speaker 6:And you were allowed to go naked as much as you wanted. So I did three times naked, and my embarrassing part was it's very cold in Canada. And it looks great normally like, especially out in the sun. The river yeah, by the water.
Speaker 3:Oh, I thought you were talking about your penis.
Speaker 4:I am talking about my penis.
Speaker 3:Oh, see you missed it.
Speaker 4:You missed it, I was throwing you on the side.
Speaker 3:You totally misinterpreted this.
Speaker 6:I kind of went. We went the very first time. We went swimming Like fuck, we're going naked right away the first time. Yeah, just get it over with, but we weren't used to the water yet and it was a very, very dramatic drop. Like or not drop, yeah, suck up, suck up. Yeah, like I almost had like a one-fold testicle inside.
Speaker 1:In fact, you're uniballing.
Speaker 6:I'm just standing there like trying to strut off like, oh I'm skidding different, my first uh, I would like to see this because it's fascinating.
Speaker 4:Do you have a cold river version versus a hot Amazon kind of picture, like a jacuzzi versus Like if you ordered?
Speaker 1:something from Amazon, but it was really hot in your apartment. I actually think I want to see.
Speaker 3:I actually want to see people's jacuzzi ice bath pictures yeah.
Speaker 7:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because I want to see I want to Just so droopy and deflated versus. I want to see men and women. I want to see like just got to be some. I think it's the it's a, I think for women, it's just all nipples, it's all in nipples.
Speaker 6:They're all Crunch up a little bit, but it is kind of the nipples of the penis right and once we don't talk about it.
Speaker 1:It's versatility and it's a ability to adapt Such an adaptable organ. Wow, men are amazing. They should be in charge.
Speaker 4:But you know, finally someone's recognized.
Speaker 3:Finally, this epiphany came to you. I saw the.
Speaker 1:Barbie movie and I said this is bullshit. This is absolute bullshit. Men are wonderful all the time, All of that. Have you seen what their?
Speaker 3:penis is doing the cold Adaptable.
Speaker 1:I wish they know they was covered.
Speaker 3:The Barbie movie, totally lost over that whole thing.
Speaker 1:No, actually I think that's. I think that's why Ken doesn't have a penis.
Speaker 4:If I'm going to Lake.
Speaker 1:that's why, ken, in the factory, they made him one, but then they put him in cold water to submerge him, like to stop the process, and then it became A pearl, a smoothie.
Speaker 4:A smoothie You'd never, even normally eat them.
Speaker 1:And in fact, one of my favorite X-Warman stories is imagining heaven and like the celestial kingdom and like you don't have sex there. Zero smoothie they call them a celestial smoothie. Oh, like a kindle, yes.
Speaker 3:So it's a small circle. We call them TK smoothies. I did go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, celestial kingdom smoothies, but.
Speaker 4:I was in.
Speaker 1:Arizona. Oh sorry, guest, we can't hear you right now.
Speaker 4:I just take a little bit, you know In the middle of the day. I just had the biggest boner I couldn't get rid of.
Speaker 3:Like in the pool.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I took like a like a quarter of a bag, cause I'm drinking and stuff and I'm just thinking I don't want to say I don't want to get sad. That's what kind of a happy one is Right.
Speaker 6:You just want to, yeah, yeah, and so I take a little, I take a half before I go boating that kind of thing, right?
Speaker 4:And so I take like a quarter of a third right. Just a nibble.
Speaker 7:Remind me to go boating with Kelly.
Speaker 4:I'm talking to people and I have to do the hand to the short.
Speaker 1:Just a block.
Speaker 4:it your hands are short and then you put your finger You're in the pocket of your short To press it against you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you guys, you know, you guys go through a lot.
Speaker 4:So there's just jetting into this the waistband, the high school, and I'm ducking lower than everyone else, right?
Speaker 1:They'll slap it, I'm just chilling down here Like a ruler Slap, okay, so smaller nibbles is what we've learned Smaller nibbles, it's a good idea. And then droopy ass nibbles. I think cold water. I think cold water is a good idea.
Speaker 4:I don't think my idea was a good idea.
Speaker 1:What was your idea?
Speaker 4:We already went over it, okay, so let's hit it.
Speaker 3:I like this.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I have to take a sip of this.
Speaker 3:Oh, we've been recording. We don't want to miss any.
Speaker 1:Oh, he got you, he got you. Good, I miss a thing, even my.
Speaker 5:When I close my eyes, even my eyes, even my eyes, I miss a thing. I miss a thing, even my.
Speaker 1:Eyes, even when I cut a head off. I'm missing you, babe.
Speaker 5:I don't want to miss a thing. Oh my God.
Speaker 3:So Woo, so we're starting a new book. Why?
Speaker 1:Aren't we done yet?
Speaker 3:We're so not done. Look at this, look at this shit the page you have, we're 20% done. We're on 146. The book of Jaram Jaram.
Speaker 5:Jaram. I have a cousin named Jaram Jaram.
Speaker 4:Just a swallow. Shout out, jaram.
Speaker 1:Actually, no, he is nailed it. That is the way. Better pronunciation.
Speaker 4:Jaram, jaram Okay.
Speaker 1:It's Jaram.
Speaker 4:Shut up.
Speaker 1:We're on it.
Speaker 2:We're on it, kelly called it.
Speaker 3:It's Jaram.
Speaker 1:We already have been seeing them wrong anyway, I don't know.
Speaker 3:I didn't have an E but it's Jaram, jaram, jaram.
Speaker 4:That's funny. Actually Jaram is more accurate.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but then we have to read the whole chapter in like.
Speaker 1:Jaram, jaram, jaram. But then we have to do the whole chapter in Forrest Gump. I kind of want to do Jaram, but in like a beautiful black dance Jaram.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I Jaram. No, I see no.
Speaker 4:No, that sounds like no, guy H I do a chord, come out Chee and the win.
Speaker 3:In us. See, we got a snort this early. We're on a good track, I'll tell you why Kelly brought us something to try.
Speaker 1:Right now I'm going to try peach tea.
Speaker 3:I want to try your peach tea. I plug in there.
Speaker 4:I'm going to give you a plug. There you go. Look at the packaging.
Speaker 1:I would drink it right out of the can, but it's not cold enough.
Speaker 3:I don't care, I'm drinking room temperature vodka. It's not. It's got feet, it's got the grit of a hummus. It's got the nose the nose of a.
Speaker 1:Ooh, actually that's tight.
Speaker 4:The dick of a whale.
Speaker 1:Me and Jerome are going to be drinking these tonight.
Speaker 3:Jerome is doing the fuzzy navel.
Speaker 1:I like it.
Speaker 3:That's my favorite so far I do like that. It doesn't feel like a jolly rancher.
Speaker 1:I actually really yes, and I really like that he's wearing a baseball cap.
Speaker 3:That's what I feel is the situation with so many of these. It's just like a jolly rancher.
Speaker 4:Jerome wasn't red in a day, so I'm going to finish that one.
Speaker 3:That's nice.
Speaker 1:That's mine, though my cold is really good.
Speaker 3:Oh, Jerome, Jerome, Jerome.
Speaker 4:It is pretty. It's actually quite good In this realm of shitty shitty.
Speaker 3:I'm serious Seltzers, seltzers. No, it's quite good.
Speaker 1:I like that one. Kelly, you're not getting any of this, can we?
Speaker 4:just call them out the Wyatt Claws and the.
Speaker 3:We can't watch the local one.
Speaker 1:You can't even say Wyatt Claw and the radio. There's a thing, well, there's the Fizzy, no Fizzy.
Speaker 3:No the local, the local Like the Snowmelt.
Speaker 7:What.
Speaker 4:Kelly knows the big Murray we have.
Speaker 6:Like I should know all these. I host the YouTube Like Squanners has one or something. I don't know Like. I've tried them.
Speaker 4:I've tried them. I've tried them because they say gluten free and every time I think.
Speaker 7:He's got celiac.
Speaker 4:What is this fucking garbage it?
Speaker 3:is it's gross and I say no, this is actually.
Speaker 1:You guys were not even getting paid for this. I think Bronze is just on a roll.
Speaker 3:Shout out, shout out, because this is lovely yeah but this episode, this episode could be sponsored. This episode sponsored by. Five wives.
Speaker 2:God, that's delicious.
Speaker 1:I actually really like that one.
Speaker 4:Like you.
Speaker 1:Do you guys know what? I was sitting alone drinking in my house last week and I was like what could I be sad about right now? And when I pulled out the Porter's peach tea craft cocktail, I said this 7% alcohol by volume at 12 fluid ounces is A really good way to be sad and drug by myself.
Speaker 6:It's a pleasure Really. We've actually done lots of studies for that, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, you hit the you hit the ABB so.
Speaker 4:And you continue. You continue to be that way, hour after hour, drink after drink. I mean, it worked.
Speaker 1:This is my choice. Of average, this is a consistent Depressant. I'm way too happy.
Speaker 3:I said the tech.
Speaker 2:Consistent.
Speaker 1:Depressant. Yeah, okay, what.
Speaker 4:Oh no, we're just plugging Okay.
Speaker 3:So, jerome so.
Speaker 4:So Jerome.
Speaker 3:So Enos obviously had a fling with.
Speaker 2:It was Enos.
Speaker 3:I don't know, is he gay birth to Jerome oh my God, and he is again.
Speaker 4:What's your Like movie star.
Speaker 3:Oh, who's, enos? Oh he's, he's Prince Humperdinker, whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I just want to see Dad.
Speaker 1:Wait, Prince Herbert.
Speaker 3:Herbert, herbert, not Herbert, but Any of these Tracks of land.
Speaker 5:Well, we've cast a lot of people but bronze.
Speaker 3:It's kind of been asleep at the wheel and casting Bronze is not busy at all For like three months because he had this job he has like working shit. We haven't had a casting call for.
Speaker 4:As far as it goes, yeah.
Speaker 1:Our viewers are Without the image. Does it even exist?
Speaker 4:Clamoring Thus Our magic as designers. Okay, yeah, okay, so he be gots like sometimes, what? Sometimes, when someone you know has sex with a different person, they Gat or be got Quite the opposite person. So Jerome could be very different.
Speaker 3:Well, cause, cause we established that Enos was. He knows what's a. It was like a whole, it was a whole thing.
Speaker 1:We liked him right Cause he was short and sweet. Yeah, he was short and sweet, but it's like two pages, nobody liked him.
Speaker 4:He felt kind of sad, nobody was, I mean he? Was Prince Herbert, for a reason Like Wait. Oh wait who is Jacob?
Speaker 3:Who is Jacob cast as?
Speaker 4:Jacob was.
Speaker 1:Oh, it.
Speaker 3:Cause we also.
Speaker 1:We're going to edit this out.
Speaker 3:Also, we also cast Jacob's gay lover.
Speaker 2:Sharem.
Speaker 4:No wait.
Speaker 2:Who is?
Speaker 3:Sharem.
Speaker 4:Okay, Well it's.
Speaker 3:We have notes. We have notes somewhere you were, I did write it. Let me, we will. We're editing, we will.
Speaker 4:We will make this clear, we will.
Speaker 3:Come down, okay, ok.
Speaker 4:You do? I tried it out the introduce to us Great.
Speaker 1:So you're going to look into it. About this offer, You'reraits right.
Speaker 3:Think about it, think that out, okay, okay. Pretty boring, but sometimes, when, when it, when an Enos loves to woman, it Behold, I, jerome, write a few words according to the Commandment.
Speaker 7:Of my father edness and.
Speaker 3:Only two pages than our genealogy may be kept.
Speaker 2:He's just like I gotta do this, this it is these plates are small.
Speaker 4:Oh, that's Size issues. But they're actually kind of big by this point.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but it's like these plates are kind of small Maybe they got put in a spotter. And these things are written for the intent.
Speaker 1:They went on the river. They took a river trip.
Speaker 3:For the intent of the benefit of our brethren, the Lamanites.
Speaker 1:These records are small and they're for the intent of the Lamanites who suck I don't remember this admission Lamanites, wherefore it must needs be that I write a little.
Speaker 5:My dad said I have to.
Speaker 3:But I shall not write the things of my prophesying, nor of my revelations. What, what the fuck, oh, this guy. Well, he's already who is this guy You've known a person like this, but I'm not going to tell you a little cool shit I've done. For what could I write more than my father have written? Well, I mean, he wrote like six pages. No, he wrote two pages so he doesn't want to write more than his dad.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I love that this is amazing. I think this can be our favorite character.
Speaker 1:This guy's. This guy's.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to repeat anything, I'm going to keep reading, but I need you guys to channel like, who is this guy? Because this is pretty delightful, for have not they revealed the plan of salvation? They really have.
Speaker 1:Oh, really Like add length, by the way.
Speaker 3:I send you, yeah, suffice it, and this suffices me.
Speaker 4:This is another magical Joseph Smith moment where.
Speaker 1:I go. Wait, what do you mean? This is Joe.
Speaker 4:Joseph.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean right, but he's channeling like this yeah, anyway, go ahead. Ghost writer. No, no, but you're right. That's because, because there's actually texture here.
Speaker 4:He actually changed. He like, and you're like, what is so? What did Joseph Smith?
Speaker 3:Like obviously some mushrooms in the brew, right, but then he's like throws in something and he gets Jerome.
Speaker 4:OK.
Speaker 1:Let's.
Speaker 4:You want me to read?
Speaker 3:Let's go faster. I'm just telling you where we're at. Okay, behold.
Speaker 4:Behold, is expedient that much should be done among this people because of the hardness of their cocks.
Speaker 3:Also their hearts. He just stood like a quarter of a viagra. Their hearts are also quite hard and pumping.
Speaker 6:And the deafness.
Speaker 4:And listeningness of their ears and the blindness and sightness of their minds. And their minds are thinking, and they're stiff, the stiff cocks and their necks. Nevertheless, god is exceeding.
Speaker 1:They're like totally erect. Wait, we need to go back in time. Brons, what is your reading level? This is like a whole body erection.
Speaker 4:These people are just like very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very among us, which have had many revelations for their heart.
Speaker 3:Whoa, again coming back to like. We've had a lot of them.
Speaker 1:Everyone's had a lot of them, but I'm not going to write any of them down.
Speaker 3:We've had a lot of revelations, but like I'm not going to kiss and tell, yeah, we're not all.
Speaker 4:Stiff cocked and as many as there are not stiff cocked, and have faith, have communion with the Holy Spirit, which make it manifest of the children of men, according to the faith, of course, oh my God. And now behold, 200 years have passed away.
Speaker 1:No, there was a period there.
Speaker 3:So, that's like 50 since his death.
Speaker 1:It's keep track though the punctuation is exciting to follow along with.
Speaker 2:I do long live math Not right now.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, right now.
Speaker 2:But like how many?
Speaker 4:people can be created according to old math.
Speaker 1:We'll just make something up Like back to long live math Okay.
Speaker 3:We've got lots of people. We've got people on Are we ready for
Speaker 4:a new one In the back room behind the glass.
Speaker 6:We still have half of each of these.
Speaker 4:Oh my God, I can't yeah. Okay, I'm going to go to the other side no Wait yeah. And the people of Nuffie have waxed strong in the land they is observed to keep the law of Moses and the Sabbath day holy unto the Lord. I bet you they, I bet you that are on Tuesday you don't mean, because they lost track of time on the way.
Speaker 3:They're not even doing it right Like.
Speaker 6:God's like it's Tuesday, oh Sunday again.
Speaker 1:It was pretty good. No, it's too sweet Okay.
Speaker 3:They're in the gym. Did that happen a?
Speaker 4:lot back then, they would have to last.
Speaker 3:Have you moved like seven miles away. You lost track of everything.
Speaker 4:You would never know.
Speaker 3:It's not the first day.
Speaker 4:Let alone a day it was back down. I agree, would you?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:How would you have any idea?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you'd be like scratching on a post Summer yeah.
Speaker 3:The big things, the seasons you're going to get right.
Speaker 4:Right yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know if it's day or night. I didn't have to actually listen to this episode to know what they're saying, because we had our own side quest.
Speaker 4:Okay, I'm going to listen to you guys next, on the next go round. They profaned not.
Speaker 1:That means, they didn't swear, you guys.
Speaker 4:Fuck shit damn hell.
Speaker 1:No, they didn't do that. Oh no, they did the.
Speaker 4:They were harder than that they could only say it started with cuts and bastards.
Speaker 3:And then it got worse.
Speaker 4:Those are the ones that were loud. No, they were.
Speaker 3:Jews and they used the N word. It was terrible.
Speaker 4:I know, and they never even met one. I know I'm talking about Nigerian, that's right, and the laws of the land were exceeding strict and they were scattered upon the face of the land and the Lamanites also, and they're exceeding more numerous than they are the Nephites.
Speaker 3:Well, because the Nephites were like inbred.
Speaker 1:Wait, but see what they loved. Read it.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 5:They loved murder.
Speaker 4:Okay, I wouldn't even should break them. Okay, what? A in order. In order.
Speaker 2:Murder.
Speaker 4:Murder and drink blood of beasts. I would, I'd do a Swapsey for me.
Speaker 3:You would drink the blood of beasts. Wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 1:Wait, I like one blood sausage blood sausage.
Speaker 4:Blood sausage or murder, but murdering more.
Speaker 1:Do you like? Actually let's ask her. She's only yes or no?
Speaker 3:Yes or no? Oh man, do you like murder more than blood sausage, do you?
Speaker 1:like murder more than blood sausage. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Do you wish Lea?
Speaker 1:Honis says come on, baby girl.
Speaker 4:Come on, baby girl. What's about a people?
Speaker 1:You know what, God, I can't read that Can you read, that they just murder people and they just drink like blood.
Speaker 5:What does?
Speaker 4:it say A body.
Speaker 1:Whisper it in my ear. It's difficult, it's getting more murky, it's very cryptic. Oh, one of my psychic it says what a bitch.
Speaker 4:She's just so invasive.
Speaker 1:She's such a mensch. Is that what you call it?
Speaker 3:No, no, that's, that's a Pass that I don't know. I don't know the Yiddish word for passive aggressive.
Speaker 1:What's the one for? Like your, I think, the whole language is like passive aggressive. What a bitch, though that's so rude, okay, actually.
Speaker 4:Carrie, you hit it right there and it came to pass that.
Speaker 1:They came many times. Oh, against us, oh, so they're having a good time.
Speaker 7:Oh oh, oh, oh, they're saying murder.
Speaker 3:They eat some blood sausage. Oh, oh, oh, I'm gonna say it go around the room 24 hour max.
Speaker 4:What's your record? Go ahead.
Speaker 3:How many times in 24 hours? Yeah, go Five.
Speaker 1:Five, that's it.
Speaker 3:That's it.
Speaker 1:How many of you?
Speaker 2:Don't be embarrassed. Come on, kelly, don't be embarrassed.
Speaker 6:I haven't got double digits?
Speaker 4:I don't think, but I'm very up there.
Speaker 1:Good for you, you're for me it wasn't the river times, it wasn't in the river.
Speaker 3:Oh, in the Midwest, yeah, because he's.
Speaker 4:Catholic you.
Speaker 1:Like five or six, six.
Speaker 4:Five or six, okay, I'm actually three times on Sunday. I think I'm between six and seven around there. Yeah yeah, I guess we're all equal, except Kelly's better Sterling, yeah, sterling.
Speaker 1:How many times in 24 hours?
Speaker 3:Oh he bakers. Dozen from the audience.
Speaker 2:Oh, the Pina Gallery.
Speaker 1:Pina.
Speaker 3:Gallery cannot come.
Speaker 1:He's like I've never come in my life, Wow.
Speaker 3:It's like every 15 minutes.
Speaker 1:That's pretty good.
Speaker 2:Okay, ready, Try harder. How does it fossa with right? Oh my God.
Speaker 1:Rafiki's like jerking you out, this disgusting group. Wait, the Nephites. Wait, I'm confused, hold on.
Speaker 6:You're this side.
Speaker 1:And they love murder and wait and they're exceeding ordnance.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, schmuck's the word I was looking for, thank you, and it came to pass that they came many times against us. It's so gross, the Nephites to battle, but our kings and our leaders were mighty men in the faith of the Lord and they taught the people the ways of the Lord, wherefore we withstood the Lamanites coming.
Speaker 5:They stood it like it was like a oh it's a wall.
Speaker 1:It was a wall Wait, wait, wait and swept them away from our lands.
Speaker 4:Wee, they didn't sweep them away.
Speaker 3:They slid away, they swept them away.
Speaker 1:No, they just sweep all that dread, come on.
Speaker 3:Oh, they waited for it to dry. So gross they did.
Speaker 4:They were.
Speaker 3:Lama Nutsack condoms. This is an offensive act. They were doing an offensive act. They're not going to put it in a condom. Lama condoms Okay.
Speaker 1:So and they began, and we began to fortify our cities and whatsoever place of our inheritance. I go to big beach house, you guys? Oh, I'm at the lake house. We better make sure they don't come on those.
Speaker 3:And we multiply. I wish that was on the news, wouldn't that be amazing? Come walls.
Speaker 4:Lamanites, come on.
Speaker 3:I want come walls.
Speaker 1:They'd be made of glue and be fortified that way, destroyed by Lamanitecom, and we multiplied exceedingly.
Speaker 3:And it's got that perfect newscaster voice from the 20s and we multiplied exceedingly.
Speaker 1:Is it because that come went everywhere?
Speaker 3:Well, you'll see where it went. No, it's because all of the women were cleaning it off.
Speaker 1:Wait and spread upon the face of the land. They're horrible, I don't think so.
Speaker 6:I think, it just got literal.
Speaker 1:Laman became exceedingly rich in gold Can we just stop.
Speaker 4:Okay, so they're paying for sex. I love putting this off. Okay, we have to mark this. The coming was spread upon the face of the land. Is that not what I just heard?
Speaker 3:I think what we've heard is probably the best evidence that this book is true.
Speaker 4:Coming, yeah, wow.
Speaker 2:These giggles brought to you by I'm a sister, porter Rockwell's peach tea.
Speaker 1:Think of those cum walls every time you think of them.
Speaker 3:But they're in a jungle. What do you make of cum walls? You look up and you're like coming from not the ocean side, but the Lamanite side.
Speaker 2:Just a wall.
Speaker 1:That would have helped us during the fall.
Speaker 6:Falling over like a wall.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like a wave it's breaching over Like a tsunami of cum. Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:That's hot and spread upon the face of the land and became exceedingly rich in gold and silver and precious things, and then I made gold and silver. Yeah, they got rich off of it. And then Nick's in the workmanship of wood and in buildings and in machinery. Can you just imagine the gummed up machinery?
Speaker 3:It's all made of wood, so it's getting like a shit gunky, it's a gump gump, gump, gump.
Speaker 5:They got steel.
Speaker 4:Hey, can somebody ask me the WD-40?. This is all gummed up.
Speaker 3:I couldn't help myself that was so good WD-40.
Speaker 1:Okay, and also an iron and copper and brass and steel, all covered in cum.
Speaker 4:Sponsored by WD-40. Gummed up gummed up.
Speaker 3:Gummed up WD-40.
Speaker 1:Oh my God Woo. And brass and steel, making all manner of tools of every kind to till the ground that's covered in cum and the weapons of war. Yay, the sharp pointed arrow and the quiver full of cum, and the dart and the chew javelin.
Speaker 3:The chew- javelin.
Speaker 2:What is it?
Speaker 1:This book is a little, that's a lot. It was a reading mistake. Chew javelin.
Speaker 3:No Chew- javelin Leah Honer. Is there a Chew javelin?
Speaker 5:No, fuck you.
Speaker 1:You should be so lucky.
Speaker 6:Oh my God, that's called the reading. She has a red history books.
Speaker 4:I have opened my legs for a Chew javelin. I have opened my legs for a.
Speaker 3:Chew javelin.
Speaker 1:Has tints and all preparations for war.
Speaker 3:Ah, it sounds like they really prepared.
Speaker 1:And thus being prepared to meet the Lamanites with their wall of cum. They did not prosper against us, but the word of the Lord was verified, which he spoke unto our great Fathers, saying that inasmuch as ye will keep my commandments, ye shall prosper in those lands. Okay, kelly, you're on Kelly Kelly.
Speaker 6:I don't know if I got any cum walls in mind, but Better.
Speaker 7:Make a mark.
Speaker 6:And it came to pass that the prophets of the Lord did threaten the people of the Nephi. Are you?
Speaker 1:guys going to say Nephi.
Speaker 6:Or Nephi.
Speaker 1:We have to edit this whole show now Nephi. Nephi, Nephi, Nephi.
Speaker 6:According to the word of God, that if they did not keep the commandant, they shouldn't come in. Yes, the commandant, I feel like I have to make my own cum words in here. All right, but should fall into transgression. They should be destroyed from off the face of the land, wherefore the prophets and the priests and the teachers did labor diligently, exhort, exhort, exhort.
Speaker 2:With all long suffering Long suffering People to diligence.
Speaker 6:Teaching the law of Moses and the intent for which it was given Boring.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I got the whole.
Speaker 6:You're the great one Persuading them to look forward unto the Messiah and believe to him to come. I got to come.
Speaker 3:Well, because they're waiting for the second coming.
Speaker 6:Yeah, but you're going to be waiting for it.
Speaker 4:The wall fell down so they had to build it back up for the cum again. Way more than second cum.
Speaker 6:Just got to wait about 15 minutes. Is it more of a priest?
Speaker 1:He's like just enough for today. That's all I need.
Speaker 6:As though he already was. And after this manner did they teach them, and it came to pass that by so doing, they kept them from being destroyed upon the face that was just came on all over the land. For they did prick their hearts with the word Does that one is tattooed? Yeah, it's like the dot, the dot one. The needle, continually stirring them up until repentance.
Speaker 1:Oh, are you repenting yet?
Speaker 5:Yes Wow.
Speaker 3:And it came to pass the 230 and eight years it passed away after the manner of wars and contentions and descents through the space of much of the time.
Speaker 5:Of much of the time, and I, jerome, did not write more I didn't write more why?
Speaker 6:The plates are small.
Speaker 3:For the plates.
Speaker 5:I don't have a lot of room, you guys, but behold.
Speaker 3:So this does give evidence to the fact that. Oh my God, he's almost done, this does give evidence to the fact that Jacob and Enos and everybody, they weren't making plates, they were just masturbating. Only Nephi made that plates. Nephi made like a bunch of plates.
Speaker 4:Jerome is the best. This is the same fucking nonsense.
Speaker 1:Also I think it's pretty great.
Speaker 4:I'm just gonna say a few things, but I have a life.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, he's like there's this, there's this cum wall I'm contributing to.
Speaker 4:It's like this performance piece. I'm just gonna write it.
Speaker 3:Me and some of the guys from the village like we're filling this bucket. We want to contribute.
Speaker 1:So gross but be but be old, my brother.
Speaker 4:Why do I know he was my favorite?
Speaker 1:He is.
Speaker 3:He's actually way up there.
Speaker 1:Jerome, Jerome, Jerome, we love you.
Speaker 3:He's literally saying look, I don't got time for this shit.
Speaker 1:But here's a good story. He gives a really good story.
Speaker 3:Right, and he gave us all the punchy parts. Yeah, but behold my brother and you can go to the other plates of nothing.
Speaker 1:If you want to read some shit go somewhere else.
Speaker 3:For behold upon them the regular wars and our engraving. According to the writings of the kings of that which they caused to be written oh you're reading this in these dang ways and I deliver these plates into the hands of my son Omni.
Speaker 6:It's the plates with all the cum on them.
Speaker 3:The names are getting worse, Omni that they may be kept according to the commandments of my father's.
Speaker 5:Omni doing a good job, baby.
Speaker 4:He was writing out on the shitter what he was doing.
Speaker 3:He's just filling time because he's like I got a whole lifetime, two pages. He was so short.
Speaker 1:I'm so happy Omni.
Speaker 4:Is this not a club in Vegas?
Speaker 3:Omni.
Speaker 4:Omni, omni.
Speaker 6:Oh, this is the Omni. What about the DJ?
Speaker 3:Omni.
Speaker 1:He's great, he's great, okay, so this takes place in Vegas. Okay, okay, read it as such Okay.
Speaker 4:So here we go. Okay so.
Speaker 3:Take us there, take you.
Speaker 1:You're no longer on the Colombian coast Whatever, and also just remember, it's clean streets, there's no cum anywhere.
Speaker 6:Not in Vegas, no not even close.
Speaker 1:It's the cleanest, most righteous town ever.
Speaker 6:It's mostly just in the pools, where it's safer.
Speaker 3:Yeah, with the chlorine kind of denature.
Speaker 6:It clumps it up for you, and so it's easier to catch.
Speaker 4:Puk, puk. You know when that was there last, a madman broke the window Right as I arrived to the pool and glass shards were bouncing on the ground and I thought there was a shooter and I broke glass.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but he thought, yeah, somebody breaking the window to shoot people.
Speaker 4:Stories up in the Seas, just palace, as I arrived at the pool, little tinkling glass was hitting the ground and I was like what's that? And then people that worked there, the security and folk that came out and they said, hey, everyone get the fuck out of here Now. And I thought, oh, yeah, oh, I think you know what's going on.
Speaker 1:Somebody's going to shoot us all.
Speaker 4:Oh God, and so I walked around the corner and this pillar and this guy was up on the high floor from the towers throwing all the furniture and he had taken a passenger, a hostage.
Speaker 7:A hostage. A hostage what?
Speaker 4:A random woman into his room and he had barricaded the room and he was tossing out all the furniture.
Speaker 1:You were there for that. I saw that somewhere.
Speaker 4:I was right there for that.
Speaker 1:You could have been thrown upon.
Speaker 3:He had a pillar of French seat.
Speaker 4:I have video of it, I'll show you right now.
Speaker 1:Well, in a minute.
Speaker 4:Okay, but I have.
Speaker 1:Hey Siri remind me in 10 minutes to have bronze. Show me his video, Because I thought.
Speaker 4:I thought, ah, I think just someone's going to jump out of there. Oh my God, and I'm going to wait. Somebody's going to jump and I'll just go how high up. This is like. This is like how tall are those buildings?
Speaker 3:Is it 10, 20 stories up they're high.
Speaker 4:It's like it's in the teens of 20s.
Speaker 2:Okay, because it's way up there.
Speaker 4:Yeah. I was like somebody's going to jump. I'm going to wait around and then, after 10, minutes I'm like I'm just going to jump.
Speaker 3:This is going to end Disappointingly, so I went ahead and had lunch.
Speaker 4:You mean the pool? Oh, there's this guy behind the other pillar. I look over this guy, like I see this pink shirt. How it'll be on another pillar, you know, like those pillars of, like the I see him pillars, yeah.
Speaker 4:And now there's like a odd character and he, I'm behind one. And then this, I look down and there's this guy behind like the shrubbage and the pillar. It looks at me and I go, oh, I don't think it's a gun, come on out, like. And he comes on out and he, I don't know. And I see him a few minutes later and he is um, he's like a limp.
Speaker 1:Was he just in the river?
Speaker 4:He's because because it's all too much for him, right Like it's yeah, it feels overwhelmed.
Speaker 3:He's traumatized yeah.
Speaker 4:It's traumatized. What's it called Like shock? He's in shock. So staff is kind of like dragging him along.
Speaker 3:He's just all. He's a limp noodle.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, cause, and maybe you know, never know, maybe he's been shot out before, so it's okay.
Speaker 3:I've never been shot out. You weren't judging. You weren't judging.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 3:Anyway.
Speaker 5:Omnia All right. Cold. Did you say be cold this?
Speaker 6:is Omnia, just for reference.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's nice, it's a great venue yeah. There's actually DJ Omnia I love from Russia.
Speaker 7:Oh, that's his name, remember that guy from a thousand years ago.
Speaker 1:You said is it a man or a woman?
Speaker 4:Who can know?
Speaker 1:DJ Omnia, I'll find it. Who can?
Speaker 2:know it's a Russian who can know?
Speaker 1:Who can tell he's a little spray boy?
Speaker 3:I remember this the book of Omnia.
Speaker 4:Behold, it came to pass that I, omnia, being commanded by my father, jerome, that I should write somewhat upon these plates to preserve oh, he's quite young, omnia.
Speaker 1:That's from like 10 years ago.
Speaker 4:Of course, that's why he's so adorable, he's from 1987.
Speaker 7:He's a little baby.
Speaker 4:To preserve our genealogy. Wherefore, in my days, I would that you should know that I fought much with the sword to preserve my people, the Nephites, from falling into the hands of the enemies, the Lamanites, but hold of myself a wicked man. I have not kept the statutes of the commands of the Lord as I ought to have done.
Speaker 3:This is really getting good. This is really getting good.
Speaker 1:I'm not doing good enough.
Speaker 3:So we go from like Nephi and Jacob and they're like I'm a piece of shit. I masturbated once to Omnia. Who's like look.
Speaker 2:I fucked everything that moved.
Speaker 5:There's no in between.
Speaker 4:And yet he's like I should write a few things.
Speaker 3:And I'm going to write a few things. It's my dad. God bless him.
Speaker 2:He said, look, we got to do this in history, so hold on.
Speaker 3:So it's like three in the morning and I'm working with my dev crew in Romania and we're all up, he's a jet center you guys.
Speaker 3:And so my buddy Vlad, his lad, his girlfriend, comes in and she's like are you still working? He's like, no, not really, we're just kind of chatting. She's like, oh, okay. So then we start chatting and we're talking about the differences between you know, like Western but definitely American approaches to sex and how many hangups people have. And we're just talking about this and his girlfriends is like you guys just need to be more like us. He's like you know, in Romania we teach our kids like don't get married until you learn a simple rule. I was like what is that? Every hole feels the same and I was like there's some wisdom.
Speaker 3:There's some wisdom in this advice. Don't get married until you realize that every hole feels the same. I think Omni figured this out.
Speaker 4:Do they live life like that up there over there?
Speaker 3:In Romania. Ukraine? Yeah, they do. They don't seem that free to me, the Romanians, don't the Ukrainians?
Speaker 4:I don't know about the Ukrainians. I don't know.
Speaker 3:Ukrainians seem pretty free.
Speaker 4:Okay, okay, I'll finish this paragraph. And it came to pass that to hundreds, that's 70.
Speaker 3:Oh, 70 years, it's got to get an accent.
Speaker 4:Let's go this way. Came to pass, 276 years passed away and we have many seasons of peace and we have many seasons of serious war bloodshed. Yeah, in fine, 282 years passed away. I kept these plates cordoned to commands my father and I conferred them upon my son. I am wrong, I make and I make an end.
Speaker 6:I'm done already, Whoa that's a two-pergress.
Speaker 3:Whoa done.
Speaker 6:This is a twist, whoa.
Speaker 4:See another praise to Joseph.
Speaker 3:Smith yeah, this is a really well-crafted story.
Speaker 4:Can you imagine, as an author, you have a son who's like I don't, like, I don't think.
Speaker 6:Two paragraphs, but they don't change a book.
Speaker 3:No, this is amazing. So look, Nefi carries on for 122 pages and then we get Omni, who's just like. I'm going to give you two paragraphs. He's dead already.
Speaker 4:I told you, it was true. I told you, it was true.
Speaker 3:You did tell me it was true, but in the beginning I did doubt you why would.
Speaker 1:Ameron be the new author.
Speaker 4:This says the Book of Mormon is true. Read this. I'm the one who's the biggest boy. I'm a wicked man.
Speaker 3:They're like running out of paper, don't you?
Speaker 4:love this.
Speaker 3:No, this is no, no hold on, but there's like, there's componentry, right, Like he's like look, I'm just going to briefly put in a few things. There's only a couple pieces.
Speaker 1:Why isn't there a new book titled in?
Speaker 4:That's a brilliant set. No, it's not.
Speaker 1:Hold on and then there's I'm a bin of doom, the son of Chemish. I'm a Malachi, the son of a bin of doom. Where are their new book tales? Damn it.
Speaker 4:That's the brilliance of Joseph Smith. I think it's brilliant.
Speaker 3:I think this is.
Speaker 1:This is one of the best proofs that this is actually real. This is wrong.
Speaker 4:This is good. This is getting good.
Speaker 1:No, is it my turn for Ameron? It is definitely Ameron.
Speaker 3:Ameron, ameron.
Speaker 6:Ameron.
Speaker 7:And now I am, aeron, right, the things which are so ever I write, which are few in the book of my father. Behold, it came to pass that 320 years had passed away and the more wicked part of the Nephites were destroyed. For the Lord would not suffer After he had led them out of the land of Jerusalem and kept and preserved them from falling into the hands of their enemies. Yay, he would not suffer. That the word should not be verified which he spake unto our father saying that inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments, ye shall not prosper in the land, wherefore the Lord did visit them in great judgment. Nevertheless, he did spare the righteous, that they should not perish, but he did what Deliver.
Speaker 2:Thank you be dissatisfied with this verse.
Speaker 1:Forgive me, but of course this is a.
Speaker 7:Don't believe me, do not believe in me do not believe in calmness, not a court, but ever.
Speaker 1:as I know my commandments, we should never confronting.
Speaker 3:Thank you, I know it's terribly.
Speaker 7:Them out of the hands of their enemies, and it came to pass that I did deliver the plates unto my brother, gannish.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, hold on hold on hold on.
Speaker 3:I'm so nervous I've sent me a voice. So, there's another part of this that I love, which is like Nephi's bur like so Joseph's burning the clock. He's obviously got some point in the future, right Like where he's like we gotta get to this point.
Speaker 1:He's burning the clock. He's burning the clock Several characters.
Speaker 4:He's like we and then we just did 70 years. They smooth over.
Speaker 3:And another 80 years, just basically, we gotta get. We gotta get through like 370 years.
Speaker 1:We gotta introduce a new character. Quick, speed it up.
Speaker 3:Before it gets good again, it's yeah.
Speaker 4:And then well, yes and no. Read it Two yes and no. Yeah, like yes, and then I go.
Speaker 1:But they have to have different voices. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 4:If he had just done like one, maybe, but it's eight overdue. He did Right.
Speaker 3:Like when he got to. It's amazing.
Speaker 5:And now we've got it's like it's jam-ish. Oh fast Time for and now and now we're going to have like 17 characters.
Speaker 7:All right keep going, keep going.
Speaker 4:All right, now I can write what fear things.
Speaker 3:I write in the same book with my brother. This is how you know. The Nephites were in Well.
Speaker 6:I saw the last which he wrote, that he wrote over this old hand and he wrote it in the day that he delivered them unto me.
Speaker 3:You wrote it the same day. He's a very busy day, yeah.
Speaker 5:And after this manner we kept the records, for it is according to the commandments of the father.
Speaker 6:I make an end.
Speaker 3:This is pretty. That was quick, that was pretty rad.
Speaker 6:We didn't like hand off the baton to the next person.
Speaker 2:Behold, I have been a dom. I am the son of Jamish. Behold, I came to pass that I saw much war and contention between more people than ever in the lemonites, and I jerked everybody off with my own sword have taken the lives of many.
Speaker 2:No, I think this is a type of have taken the virginity of many of the women. I it's in the defiance of my brother and they're like stop doing that. The record of this people is engraving upon the plates, which is hyper, the kings according to the generations and I know. No revelation, save that which has been written, neither prophesied, wherefore that which is sufficient is written what?
Speaker 1:And I make an end Boring Now been a dom a benedom. He's a dom. Let's do this.
Speaker 3:He's definitely a dom. Okay, am, I am a Malachi.
Speaker 1:Malachi.
Speaker 7:Well, Malachi is what we know, Amalachi.
Speaker 3:Amalachi, amalachi, amalachi.
Speaker 5:Amalachi All right, kara All right, but behold, I am Amalachi, the son of a benedom. Behold, I will speak unto you somewhat concerning Mosiah, which means king over the land of Zarahablah, for behold, he be warned of the Lord that he should flee out of the land of Nephi, and as many as would hawk, and unto the voice of the Lord, I feel like a Michael Cain right now you do.
Speaker 5:You're sliding into Michael Cain. After this, he should also depart out of the land with them into the wilderness, and it came to pass that he did according as the Lord had commanded him, and they departed out of the land into the wilderness as many as would hawk and unto the voice of the Lord, and they were admonished continually by the word of God.
Speaker 1:And they admonished continually by the word of the God and they were led by the power of his arm through the wilderness until they came down into the land which is called the land of Zarahablah and they discovered a people which is called the people of Zarahablah Creative. Now there was great rejoicing among the people of Zarahablah and also Zarahablah did rejoice exceedingly, which is the same thing.
Speaker 3:I mean just like a kid with a new toy. He figured this name, zarahablah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he loves it. It's pretty cool.
Speaker 6:And he's not wrong. That's a solid point, it's a great word, it's one of our better words that we've dealt with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because that the Lord had sent the people of Mosiah with the plates of brass which contained the record of the Jews which were killed. Laymen, to get Well, who's turn? Who is reading right now Am?
Speaker 2:I reading yeah, it's like an narrator, I guess it's still.
Speaker 3:But I think we're going to. It's still a male and a man. I think we're going to come to a close here. Yeah, we're not going to finish it. We're not going to finish it.
Speaker 1:Well, let's let Kelly read one more time, but yeah, let's yeah. Is that okay, yep Master?
Speaker 2:Yes, Beholds Am I am a leke Am.
Speaker 6:I leke, am, I leke, am, I leke. Beholds, it came to pass that Mosiah discovered that the people of Zahelma I like that.
Speaker 6:Zahelma came out from Jerusalem at the time that Zedekia, king of Judah, was carried away captive into Babylon, and they journeyed into the wilderness and was brought by the hand of the Lord across the great waters into the land where Mosiah discovered them, and they had dwelt there from the time forth and at the time that Mosiah discovered them, they had become exceedingly numerous, so many Fucking like rabbits probably. Nevertheless, they had many wars and serious contentions and had fallen by the sword from time to time, and their language had been corrupted and they had.
Speaker 3:Oh man, he's shitting on their dialect.
Speaker 6:And they had brought no records with them and they denied that being of their creator and Mosiah, oh my God, no the people of Mosiah? How did they become the people of Zahelma? I missed that one. This is quite the little turn here Could not understand them.
Speaker 1:And they're like we don't, we don't, can't understand these idiots Look it's just not very creative with their names.
Speaker 3:It's just so subtly racist all the time. It's just so subtly racist all the time, little people.
Speaker 1:That was more fun than usual it was.
Speaker 3:I liked all the characters. We get to cast all of them. It's going to be hard.
Speaker 1:I just raised my bowels.
Speaker 3:These are actually probably famous background characters.
Speaker 1:What if it's like cameos, like Brad Pitt is one.
Speaker 6:I think that might work too.
Speaker 1:George Clooney is one he's like I'm mad at it and they're like I want to be a Malachi, no, I want to be a Malachi, and they fight about it.
Speaker 3:That's right. No, I think it's right.
Speaker 6:And Will Arnett is one of them. Yeah, for sure, oh yeah, no-transcript.