Do you make rules for your tweens and teens that they just don't seem to follow , and then maybe you punish them by taking away their phone or some kind of privilege , but they still don't consistently follow your rules . On today's episode , I will give you an alternative to try with your tweens and teens that will lead to more cooperation and more harmony at home . Welcome to your Zen Friend . I'm your host , Lauren Wolfe . On this podcast , I will share wisdom from working as a licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years . Using storytelling and lighthearted humor , each episode will explore themes on personal growth , including tips and strategies to boost mental wellness and overall well-being . If you're a perfectly imperfect human like me , who's always striving to do better and feel better , then this podcast is for you . Let's get started . Welcome , Zen friends . I hope , wherever you are , you're doing well . I am excited to have another episode in our tweens and teens series . I think that parenting tweens and teens is particularly hard , so if you are parenting a tween or teen right now , I hope this episode will be helpful to you . Although I designed this podcast to be for parents , as you know , I am not always talking about parenting issues , and that is by design . I think that as parents , we can forget that we are also human beings who deserve to nourish and care for ourselves . That is so important . I also have some non-parent listeners , so shout out to you if that's you . Thank you , I'm so grateful that you're listening . We all need self care , whether you are a parent of a human being , a parent of a fur baby , maybe you're caring for elderly parents , or maybe you're caring for yourself and finding that to be challenging enough . Whatever your situation is , we all need to care for ourselves . We need to care for our mental health . So I hope that if you're listening and not a parent , you will still find some helpful information in this episode . And maybe you have friends or family members who are parenting tweens and teens . I always appreciate it when you share a podcast episode , so if you think it would be helpful to someone you know , please pass it on . But on today's episode , I am going to be talking about a parenting technique . We will be talking about making rules at home , but let's not call it that . Especially don't call it that to your children , your kids or teens , because they're not going to like that . I will outline for you what it is that I often do with my clients who are tweens and teens , how I often meet with I'll just call them kids going forward , just to keep it a little less wordy and more simple . I often meet with kids and parents and I will share with you a technique that I often use and find really effective for getting kids to cooperate more at home , for having more harmony at home , and something that I have found really successful using with my own children , who you know are young adults now , but was really helpful with them when they were younger and still is really helpful when we need to talk about difficult topics , such as the ways in which they're behaving at home , or kind of make some ground rules which again , don't call them rules with your kids . We'll talk about it , I'll give you some alternatives . So let's take a short break and then , when we come back , I'll share my strategy with you .
Speaker 1I love to connect with listeners and I'd love to hear from you . Please reach out , let me know what you're enjoying and let me know what types of interviews and topics you'd like me to cover in the future . You can find me on Instagram , at your Zen friend pod , or email me at yourzenfriendpodcom . You can also join our private Facebook group by searching for your Zen friend in groups on Facebook . Let's get back to our show . Welcome back .
Speaker 1A mistake parents often make and one , quite honestly , that I have made more than once is to approach parenting from the standpoint of I'm in charge , I'm the boss , you just live here and if you're going to live under my roof , you're going to have to follow my rules . So take a moment and imagine if your boss at work is ruling over you and your coworkers this way . How would you feel ? Imagine your boss is telling you that your feelings and your opinions don't matter , that they are in charge and you need to do what they say , without question . I once had a boss who ruled in this way and I left that job . I don't think anyone likes to be told what to do in this kind of manner . Now you might be thinking okay , Lauren , but I need to make rules at home . I do need to make rules . I need to set boundaries and healthy limits . And you know what ? I totally and completely agree you need to have healthy boundaries and limits .
Speaker 1Bye , we know from research that really strict parenting or overly permissive parenting , they both lead to problems . They lead to different types of problems , but they lead to problems nonetheless . So today we're going to talk about more of a authoritative approach , where your kids are able to talk to you about how they're feeling . They have some say in the rules we do need to think of a different word that you are making . They're really helping you to come up with those boundaries and limits , and I think you're going to find that this approach is so much more effective .
Speaker 1This type of parenting , known as authoritative parenting or gentle parenting has a lot of research backing it that says it is really effective in helping create adults who are able to problem solve and make decisions and care for themselves , and ultimately , that's what we want . That's why we are parenting . We are trying to teach them how to someday fly away from our nest I know it's sad , but it's also our goal and make it on their own as adults who can care for themselves and live satisfactory lives . Where here's my goal I want them to be giving to society , connected to others just really well rounded people . Alright , so here's how we're going to do this . I'm going to talk about two different problems that are super common that I am often helping my clients with that I've had some challenges with with my own children and how you can approach them , and I'm going to break down a strategy for you that you can use with these problems or other challenges where you need to get more cooperation from your kids , and I promise you it will help .
Speaker 1Problem number one your child is staying in their room way too much . They are in their room and no longer in the family room or in the kitchen or in a main living space that they probably used to be in quite often until they were somewhere between the age of 12 and 14 . And now they disappear into their room . They come out to eat , they go back in , they shut the door . Alright , so here's . Here's how we're going to solve this problem . Number one we're going to define the problem and why it's a problem for our child . Number two we're going to ask our child for their input as to why this is happening . Number three we're going to tell them that we want this behavior to change and we want their help in figuring out how it can be different . Number four we are going to come up with a plan to gather most important part together . And number five the step that is most often not done and so super important is we're going to circle back and check in and see how it's going sometime in the future , not too far out , Alright .
Speaker 1So let's talk about this . We've got a kid who is constantly in their room . Let's make this child a male . Let's call this child Tim . Let's say Tim is 14 years old . So you find a time with Tim where you aren't currently at odds or arguing with one another . A nice relaxed time would be fantastic . Or , if you need to , you can set up a time and say something like hey , Tim , let's you and I sit down . There's something I need your help with . Let's sit down and talk about it while you're having your snack after school or any pretty chill time for them . And then you say something like Tim , I'm really noticing that you're spending a lot of time in your room lately . This concerns me because there's a lot of research that says it can be unhealthy and even lead to depression when people are by themselves and isolated a lot .
Speaker 1Now , number two ask your child what's going on . So that might look like and I'm curious Tim , what do you like about being in your room ? Or why do you think you're spending so much time in your room and listen actively . Listen , right , that might be asking more questions , that might be repeating back what Tim says . So let's imagine that Tim says you know it's really noisy , my brothers and sisters are just always bugging me and so I like to go into my room to do my homework , All right , and you're thinking BS , Tim , you are doing 15 minutes of homework , my friend and you're on your phone , or you're just playing video games or whatever , but you're not gonna tell Tim BS , right , You're going to validate Tim instead . This is important If you say , Tim , that's a lot of bologna and cheese
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Speaker 1We all know you don't do your homework , or something like that , we all know you're on your phone . Okay , now , ding , ding , ding round one . You're gonna have an argument . You're never gonna get where you're going . So instead , even if you smell BS , you're going to say something like yeah , I get that your brothers and sisters , yeah , they can talk to you a lot , they do really want attention from you and yeah , they can be pretty noisy , so I get that . Maybe you even wanna go one step further and say something like wow , Tim , I'm really proud of you that you are going away where it's quiet so you can focus on your schoolwork . That's really great , All right , super important .
Speaker 1Now step number three Tell them that you want to change this behavior , but you want their help in figuring out how it can be different . So that's going to look something like so , Tim , I hear you , I get that you wanted to do your homework in your room . I'm so proud of you that you're doing that . But at the same time , I really feel like we need a balance . I'm not comfortable letting you spend the entire afternoon , evening , right up until bedtime , in your room . So how do you think we could make this look different ?
Speaker 1Now you're asking for Tim's input , and maybe what Tim comes up with isn't enough . Maybe Tim says well , I guess I could stay out in my room for half an hour after dinner . Let's imagine that's his response . So again , I would validate Tim . That's great , Tim . I love how you're thinking . Yeah , that would be such a good start . But I'm thinking could it be a little longer ?
Speaker 1Like what if you went to your room when you got home from school and you did your homework , and then , when it's time for dinner , I would really love it if you were out of your room . For , let's say , you eat around six o'clock . So let's say you then were out of your room until it's time for bed at nine . That would feel like a really nice balance , and you don't have to be playing a board game with me , but to just even be hanging out in an area where we kind of all are . That would feel much better to me . What do you think ? Maybe Tim says , oh , that feels like too long . And so maybe you split the difference or say , all right , I tell you what .
Speaker 1What if then you're out of your room from six until eight and then you can go back in at eight , have some time to yourself before bed ? How about we try that to start , Right ? So hopefully , here you're going to get some buy-in from your child , because you are meeting him , her , them , you're meeting them halfway , you are asking for their opinion , you're getting some cooperation right , Because hopefully they're going to agree to this . Now , this is something that I do quite often for my clients . I think I was mentioning that , but you can do this on your own , you don't need me . And here again , the most important step that often is forgotten is circle back . So right , here you come up with an agreement . All right , Tim , this sounds good . Thank you , I'm so glad we had this conversation . I feel good about this . Let's check in , let's . How about this , Tim ? It's Tuesday , so let's try this this week and Friday . We always have pizza for dinner on Fridays and then I tell you what . Just you and I will go get ice cream and let's talk about how it's going Again . Hopefully you get buy-in . Maybe this is your kid who loves ice cream . Whatever , look for a way that you can connect with your kid and make it so that it isn't so serious but more light . You can even have some fun with this , and I'll give you some ideas about how you can do that in my next example .
Speaker 1All right , so common situation number two your child has a hard time getting up in the morning and is constantly running late to either get to the bus or get in the car to get to school . Now , there are so many reasons why this happens . Sometimes kids aren't getting to bed at an early enough time . Sometimes kids have a lot of school anxiety , so they're procrastinating because they're feeling anxious and worried . Sometimes kids are kind of liking the dance that they do with you , where you are giving them negative attention for a come on , let's go , let's go , let's go , and it works for them somehow , Right ? Maybe they have a sibling who is the quote unquote good child . So this child is defining themselves by being the one that gets negative attention . I mean , it could be a million different reasons , but let's pretend this child is a female . We will name her Vicki , All right . So Vicki does not get into the car in a timely manner .
Speaker 1Vicki's father takes Vicki and her sisters to school and then her father goes on to work . So dad's going to find a nice relaxed time to sit down with Vicki and the conversation could look a little like this Dad is going to number one define the problem . Vicki , it's been really stressful for me lately in the mornings . I've noticed you've had a really hard time getting up and you're often late getting into the car and it's making all of us late for school and it's even made me late for work lately . I'm wondering what's been so hard for you in the mornings . And now we get Vicki's answer . So let's say that Vicki says oh , I'm just so tired , I'm having a hard time waking up . Right ? Dad is once again going to validate Vicki . Yeah , I totally get it , Vicki . It's really hard for me to get up . Sometimes in the morning , I often find that I'm really tired too .
Speaker 1Now , number three tell them that you want to change this behavior and get their help in figuring out how it can be different . Vicki , I would really like to make this easier . I think it would be so much less stressful for everyone if we could all get up on time and get into the car on time for school . I'm wondering how do you think we could change this ? Now , this situation is a little bit hard . There is not a whole lot of incentive in here for Vicki . With the other example , we had the kid really wanting to have time alone in his room , and so he probably at first thought mom was going to be like no more , you can't go into your room anymore by yourself . And then , when mom made this kind of compromise of having some balance , I think that gives him a little buy in of like oh yeah , I like that mom is respecting that I want some time in my room , that I can be away from my siblings , so let me kind of compromise or meet mom halfway here . There's not a whole lot in it for the kids . So I think there are two ways to go to get buy-in
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Speaker 1In this situation , Number one , I would ask them what do you think would be better or nicer if you were able to get up on time and have some time to yourself in the morning , not be rushing and we all got into the car by I don't know let's imagine 7-10 . Maybe your kid is able to really think about that and give you some examples and have some buy-in of like oh , I always want to have some time on my iPad . I guess if I got up earlier or on time , even I would have some time . Could I do that ? Do you think I could bring my iPad into the car ? I'm thinking . I guess probably more A younger child might ask that it's going to be a little bit harder perhaps with an older child , but you really need to have some kind of buy-in . So in this situation , if you can't find buy-in , oh , one other thing just occurred to me .
Speaker 1Sometimes that buy-in is mom or dad is losing it and is getting frustrated and yelling no judgment . Ben there , I get it . You're feeling that stress , You've got to get to your own job and you're losing it . So to say to the kid I feel like I feel bad when I yell . I really try not to yell . And then sometimes I start feeling so worried that I'm going to be late to work and that's really difficult for me because it's really embarrassing walking in late to a meeting or whatever it might be . And then I find that I'm yelling and then I drop you at school and I feel awful . Wouldn't it be nice if we all just had a calmer morning and I wasn't yelling ? For some kids that's gonna do it .
Speaker 1If not , then I've seen it work out where you might have a kid who's wanting a little bit of a later bedtime , and this again is going to be with a bit of a younger kid , right . So probably more really in that like 12 to well , maybe even like a 10 to 13 age group , when you can say you know you've been wanting to stay up a little later . I have not been saying yes because you're not getting up on time , but if you could start getting up on time in the morning , then I would be okay with making your bedtime a little bit later . Now , this is really if you think sleep is not the issue , it's other stuff right Now . If it's a kid with worry and anxiety , that's hard . Hopefully you're working with a therapist too . That's going to give you some strategies for decreasing the worries . That's going to help , because otherwise your poor kids really like white knuckling through the worries .
Speaker 1But assuming it's not that , it's just more maybe procrastination or defining themselves as enjoying that negative attention you know , being that kid , that's like kind of giving you some friction . Then maybe you offer a little bit of a later bedtime , like 15 minutes , 20 minutes I wouldn't do more than 30 . Or maybe I've done this with some kids in my counseling office where we're like yeah , totally , you know , mom or dad says I'm perfectly happy with you going to bed half an hour later if you're getting up on time , because that really shows me that you're getting enough sleep . And if you can't , then I think you need to do that earlier bedtime the next night and then we go back to the later bedtime and try it again . So you need probably some buy-in from your kid .
Speaker 1I'm also always okay with making it like a reward , something that they are earning . You know I don't love where it's , purchasing them things that are really expensive , but more like hey , you know , I know you like to go to the store with baseball cards . I tell you what , I'll totally make time this Saturday . You've got allowance saved up . If you could get in the car by this time for the next two days . Start small so you can reward them . I'll take you to the baseball store . We can go , just the two of us , right ? So you're rewarding with some one-on-one time doing something together that they enjoy . So probably needing some buy-in to come up with a plan , and especially in this situation it's going to be so helpful to circle back . So maybe you start this on a Wednesday or talk about it like a Wednesday night . So Thursday , Friday , you can celebrate . Saturday , go to the baseball store together , or maybe you want it to be where it's like hey , I tell you what , we can all have pizza together , watching a movie together , right ?
Speaker 1A younger tween . This will often work for an older teen . Again , you're gonna have to get a little more creative . Maybe there's something that they want that you've been like I'm not sure . Right , Like I'm thinking of a 13-year-old who wants to go into their downtown area of their town where they live and just walk around with friends and a parent could say you know , if I really see that you're working on this and you really start to consistently get into the car at a good time . That really shows me that you're making good choices , that you're able to really be responsible , and I would feel a lot differently about allowing you to do this thing , have this privilege , With an older kid .
Speaker 1I mean , I've also seen it be something like dude , I'm driving you to school and I'm happy to drive you to school if you're in the car by this time . If you're not , you know that's hard for me because I'm running late to work and I'm not trying to punish you , but then you'll just have to take the bus because I can't be late . So you know , while that feels a little bit like a punishment , I really think of that more as a natural or , I guess , logical consequence , right , and just explain , like here's what happens if I'm late . I can't be late to my job . I'm happy to drive you if you can be on time in the morning . If not , looks like you're taking the bus . You have to know your kid and get creative . But you can keep it late and fun with older kids or younger , like more tweens , right , you can make it a little bit silly , a little bit fun , be playful with it . If anyone is listening that has children that are probably more grade school age , like maybe nine and under .
Speaker 1I'm thinking of how I used to engage my children in picking up after playing . We made a game where I was an evil witch and I would set a timer and if they didn't clean up in the amount of time before the timer went off , then the evil witch was going to come back and lock them in the dungeon . It sounds dark . I didn't lock them anywhere , it was just all pretend and play and I think my daughter helped me come up with that and they thought that was a blast . You know , or play a funny song and let's see how much we can pick up before this song is over With our tweens and teens .
Speaker 1You really have to know your kid and what is their currency . Do they love to see musical theater ? Were you planning on taking them to a show anyway ? Do you regularly have that one-on-one time with them and there's something coming up and you were planning to take them regardless ? But also , it's going to be very motivating to get them to do the thing that you really want them to do . Then I would say you know what would be a really fun way to celebrate this , because I know it's going to be hard . I know that you are not a morning person . What if ? If you can do this X amount of times , we can go and see this musical . Be creative , keep it light , keep it fun .
Speaker 1Circle back Definitely so important . Get your child's buy-in . Really . Ask them what they can do , Get their opinions , understand what's hard for them , validate it , but really get some cooperation from them . You'll get a lot of cooperation , a lot more cooperation , when you ask them how can we solve this ? What can you do ? I hope this was helpful to you . It can be really hard to change behavior and just remember that it takes time . Most likely you're going to circle back and that circle back time is going to be something like okay , Vicki , you did an awesome job . Three out of five days this week . That is great progress .
Speaker 1Let's talk about those days when it worked . Why do you think it worked ? What was easier on those days ? What was harder about those days when you were still in the car late ? How can we make more of those days that you're on time happen ? Is there something you need from me , Vicki ? Can I help in some way ?
Speaker 1Really listen to what your child has to say Sometimes they are BSing you . I would be careful about calling them out on it . You can humor them oh okay . Oh , your little sister made you late . Oh , I didn't realize that . Okay , Well , how could we your BS meters going off ? That's okay . Well , how could we prevent that happening again ? Get them to help you come up with solutions . It's going to be so much more effective than you saying here's the new rule If you don't get in the car by seven 10 , you're losing your iPad privileges for the rest of the day . I'm taking your phone away . You can't have your friend over this weekend , or whatever it might be .
When we punish , it tends to make our children angry and for some of them , they can become retaliative . Think of revenge seeking , like calling you names or not cooperating with other things or not speaking to you so many different ways they can revenge seek , those little stinkers and big stinkers too . So I hope this is helpful . I'd love to hear from you . Let me know what you think , Let me know if you try this , Let me know how it goes .
Speaker 1Our Facebook group is a great place to share and connect with one another , and you can always make an anonymous post on the Facebook group if it feels a little too vulnerable sharing a situation such as the ones I've outlined . But I promise you , as a parent , we are all facing different challenges with our kids . There are similar themes and challenges that I see coming up time and time again , like the two I outlined today , and typically you can solve them by problem solving together , by seeking cooperation , by getting them to be part of the solution . I'm so glad you have joined me here today . Until next time , friends , I hope you'll take some time today and every day to do something kind for yourself .