Hi , zen friends . Just a heads up that I do discuss my experience in living through the Sandy Hook school shooting as a mom of grade school children , a therapist to children and families and a community member . We also mentioned the Parkland School shooting and the genocide in Rwanda in this episode . There are no details given of any of these events and I think you'll find that this episode is full of hope , healing and optimism , but just wanted you to be aware in case these events are too difficult for you to hear about . Welcome to your Zen friend . I'm your host , lauren Wolfe .
Speaker 1On this podcast , I will share wisdom from working as a licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years . Using storytelling and lighthearted humor , each episode will explore themes on personal growth , including tips and strategies to boost mental wellness and overall well-being . If you're a perfectly imperfect human like me , who's always striving to do better and feel better than this podcast is for you , let's get started . Welcome , zen friends . I hope , wherever you are , you're doing well . As this episode drops , it is September , so I hope that means something good for you . For many of us parents , kids have returned to school . I know a lot of the families that I work with in counseling , were really looking forward to getting back into having more structure . A lot of kids with anxiety really do better experience less anxiety when they have more structure in their lives . So perhaps you are enjoying a little more structure right now . Or maybe you're missing the fluidity that summer often brings us , but I hope , wherever you are , something good is going on in your life . I am so excited to have an interview today with Dr Lori Layden , and I want to tell you a little bit about how Lori and I met .
Speaker 1Back in 2012 , I was living in Newtown , connecticut still do . I've lived here since let's see 2001 , shortly after my husband and I got married . You're probably familiar with the date , december 14th 2012 and especially if you live anywhere near me in Newtown , you will know that date . That is the date , of course , when a gunman went into one of our local elementary schools and shot and killed teachers and young first grade students . There are four different elementary schools in Newtown . My children did not go to the Sandy Hook Elementary School we're on the other side of town and so they went to a different elementary . My son was the same age at the time as the students who were shot and killed . He was in first grade and my daughter was in fourth grade , and I worked then , as I do now , working mainly with children , teens and families , as a therapist . So my experience was that I lived through the tragedy of that day . I sat home and I was glued to the TV , trying to figure out what was going on , trying to figure out if my children were safe . There was a lot of misinformation that day as to what was really happening , and then , when I went to pick up my children , I had finally heard that a number of students were killed , but I didn't know exactly how many . Yet I went to the school where they had all been in lockdown . All of Newtown and neighboring towns . The children experienced what is called lockdown that day , where they had to stay where they were .
Speaker 1Many children were traumatized by this event , depending on the situation in their classroom . When I went to pick up my children , I saw the principal , who had previously worked at the Sandy Hook School , and she was completely shaken . I was completely shaken . I think we were all in a state of shock at this point , and she had asked me to help her write an email to parents giving them information and making recommendations for the children not being exposed to the news or media , because that , of course , could be further traumatizing . When I share this , to tell you that I played a strange kind of dual role from the very beginning , where I was a parent who was living through fear for many hours , trying to figure out what was happening , trying to figure out if my children were safe , but then I also was a therapist serving the community needs , and I remember the next day I went into work it was a Saturday and I quickly understood that families and children were coming to me with the question in their eyes of are we safe ? And at the time I did not feel safe any longer . The schools were a very safe place for me , a place where I would often be sitting outside of the office . My son had some speech services there when he was younger and I would sit outside and I would wait for him and the particular school where my son was at , which is very much like the other elementary schools in Newtown , were very happy , cheerful places where you would see children going up and down the hallways and teachers leading lines , a line of their class coming from a special or coming from lunch , and it just was a beautiful , positive place to be .
Speaker 1After that tragedy occurred , I no longer felt safe sending my children to school , and many other parents felt that same way . So right away I got myself back in counseling . I hadn't been attending counseling at that point and I worked on healing my own trauma from that day and the fear that I had for my children returning to school . And that was more than one session , that was really ongoing Because I was so connected in the community and because I had not figured out the ability to say no . I did a lot of work for the school PTA , I served on the board and I did a lot of different volunteering roles . Because of that , a lot of people knew who I was and , I guess , thought I was likable enough and knew that I worked as a therapist working with children . So very soon after the tragedy I had children being referred to me .
Speaker 1This was the first time in my career that I remember seeing a child who was clearly traumatized , who seemed to be in a real freeze state , and I realized right away that I needed to help this child to feel safe in their body . And I had no tools for that . Quite honestly , I had no real effective training in healing trauma . In my graduate school we did very little work on trauma , and so I was pretty much just making things up as I went along . Luckily , I'm pretty good at making things up when it comes to counseling and therapy and healing , and I was actually doing some types of guided meditation to help individuals to again feel safe in their bodies .
Speaker 1But I realized quickly that I needed more , and I attended a training class for clinicians that was being offered , I believe , for free , for those of us that were working with individuals who had been affected by this tragedy . But I must tell you I didn't connect with this type of training . It really was what would be called cognitive behavioral , which is really where we're working with the prefrontal cortex of the brain , where reason and logic is activated . But the problem with trauma is trauma is living in the part of our brain that is more primitive and you can't logic your way or talk your way out of it . So I really wasn't even using many of these techniques because I just wasn't finding them helpful . So , getting to about a year after the tragedy it was right before the one-year anniversary I got an email that was inviting clinicians to come to a workshop to help them in their own healing , and I can't remember exactly what it advertised , but it was some kind of support for clinicians . So I went to this workshop . The workshop was being presented by Nick Ortner , who is the bestselling author of the book the Tapping Solution .
Speaker 1Tapping is also referred to as EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique . I promise sometime in the near future I will do an episode all about EFT . It is a phenomenal technique and here's one of the many reasons why I love it . It can be used for self-care . You can pretty easily teach people how to use it for themselves or there are certain ways that it can be used by a clinician to really help an individual heal from trauma . It can be used for lots of other reasons too , and it's just a really great modality to help people really decrease difficult emotions , get clarity on things , really feel calm , grounded and centered .
So Nick was putting on this workshop I'm here with a whole bunch of other clinicians and he brought one of the women up with him to tap with him , and tapping combines talk therapy . You're talking about what you're experiencing along with tapping with your fingertips , with two or three fingers , usually two fingers on different meridian points , and so Nick is doing this , tapping with this other clinician , and we're all tapping along saying the same words , tapping on our meridian points , along with what Nick is doing , and he was tapping with this woman who was a clinician on her experience of working with some of the survivors from Sandy Hook . She , I believe , was working with children and families and I remember going into , like the ugly cry , a lot of what they were tapping on , which was really her experience . Things that were coming up for her were similar to what I was experiencing working with the individuals that I was supporting . And I am going into the ugly cry and you don't want to go into the ugly cry when you're with your colleagues . There was an advisor my old advisor from college was there . Like there are all these people I'm connected with as a therapist in the community , but I am ugly crying . At least I was silent .
Speaker 1I remember trying not to pass out and then I got home . I had pulled my stuff together , luckily , got home , and then I was putting my children to bed that night and when I kissed my son goodnight and had tucked him in , I had the thought every night I would have the thought of what if this had been Amen . And what if it was this far out from the tragedy and he had been dead that long ? Because this was the reality for parents right , for many parents and I had that thought and every night I would have that thought and I'd feel the feelings that went with that , a lot of fear . So I had that thought and it was like a voice in my head said like , but that's not for you , that's not your situation . And I had no emotional reaction and I was like , well , that's really weird because I didn't tap on my experience . I was tapping on someone else's and it was similar in some ways , but different also . But each day as we got closer to the one year anniversary , I wasn't having the big emotional reaction . Every time I thought that , thought it would be like , yep , but that's not my situation . I would send love to the people who were living that situation . Of course , I still had so much empathy for them , but it was not taking my breath away in the same way that thought had been .
Speaker 1So I'm going to try to condense this part a little bit . So I realized this tapping stuff is pretty good . I think I need to explore learning this . So I signed up for a tapping training . And here I met lovely Dr Lori Layden . I had met her somewhere else at one point but didn't really get to talk to her . Right she was in the community . So , lori , this is so beautiful .
Speaker 1Lori had done work with orphans of the genocide in Rwanda . She had gone to help the young men and women there and brought tapping to them , because with tapping you can tap with an entire room of people , whereas if she was trying to go in there and help each person heal with individual counseling sessions , it wouldn't leave much of an impact . She's one person that could only do a limited amount of work if it were work with individuals . So instead she was tapping with large groups of people . And then her and her team started training some of the young men and women to be what they called ambassadors . Those ambassadors were being trained to help others to use EFT and tap to heal from the horrible traumas that they had been through .
Speaker 1Well , nick who , let's remember Nick Ortner , bestselling author of the tapping solution was helping to fund Lori in her helping the young men and women heal in Rwanda when the Sandy Hook tragedy happened . Nick is a community member , he lives in Newtown and Sandy Hook is a small village in Newtown right , so it's part of the town . I know it's funky how they're two different names , but it's all the same town . So when the tragedy happened , nick reached out to Lori , who was living in California , and said Lori , this is happening in my community , what do we do ? And Lori said I think we do the same thing that we did in Rwanda . And so she came out and came to teach clinicians in our town how to help others heal through EFT . So I met Lori at one of the early trainings and was so very fortunate that she selected me , along with nine other men and women , to be trained and proficient in using EFT to help our community .
Speaker 1So , through Lori's generosity and the generosity of Nick Ortner and his family , I had extensive training for a year and a half , and a lot of that training was my own healing . I had to do my own work , which is such a beautiful gift . I think , as a therapist , we need to always be doing our own work , because our job can put people in a really vulnerable place , and I think we need to be in our best possible space emotionally , spiritually . We need to be as grounded as possible . We're humans . We can't be perfect , but we need to always be doing our own work because we need to be able to be our best selves , our highest selves , for others , and it's also such a gift when we do our own work and this is where really true , profound healing begins .
Speaker 1Lori , and I will talk about that today . I am forever grateful to Lori and to Nick and to the team of mentors that helped me . It profoundly changed my life . It made me a better , more loving , more patient , more present mother . It made me more open to joy and happiness . It made me a better clinician and I saw such profound and deep and beautiful healing in the individuals that I worked with and that's been such a gift to me . There is nothing more beautiful to me than helping a child to heal and to feel safe in their body . So I have profound gratitude and I am so excited to bring to you today an interview with Lori and hear about the work that she continues to do and hear about this beautiful process that she has now written down in her book that helps men and women to feel less afraid , to be more open , to love , joy and wonder .
Speaker 1So let's take a short break and then we'll get to my interview with Lori .
I love to connect with listeners and I'd love to hear from you . Please reach out , let me know what you're enjoying and let me know what types of interviews and topics you'd like me to cover in the future . You can find me on Instagram at your zen friend pod , or email me at yourzenfrenpodcom . You can also join our private Facebook group by searching for your zen friend in groups on Facebook . Let's get back to our show . Welcome , lori . I'm so glad to have you here and I'm so excited to be with you after all this time .
Speaker 2Thank you for asking me .
Speaker 1Ah , my pleasure . It's been much too long , so I've told listeners in the intro a little bit about how we met . And , of course , lori , I am so grateful to you for all of the healing that you helped me with my own healing after the Sandy Hook tragedy and living through that as a parent , and I'm forever grateful too for all that you taught me that helped me to really support and help my community heal . You have so profoundly changed the lives of so many people and it makes me curious because I can't imagine you doing anything besides your beautiful healing work . When did you know that you wanted to be a therapist ?
Speaker 2Oh gosh , you know I do the work that I do in an effort to heal my own childhood traumas and I know it's going to sound strange to people , but at the age of 12 , I went through quite a few traumas and I only knew Dr Freud at the time . I was 12 , went to the library , took out Freud's book on dreams , then realized I needed a dictionary to figure it out . Oh gosh , yeah , I mean I read a lot of different things to try to understand how could I heal and how could I make sense out of what was happening . And so that it started when I was 12 , really , and that was taking psychology college , psychology courses in high school and then went to college and worked in the psychiatry department . But it was really in an effort to heal my own pain .
Speaker 2And I've come to discover over the last 50 years that the greatest gift that we can give the world is to be in service to our own healing first .
Speaker 2And I know that your listeners are many our parents with young children , and it's often the case and again I want to applaud you that , in the middle of your own having a family and a private practice , that you were willing to come and volunteer with us and spend countless hours working on your own healing first , which is my mantra , and you know in Newtown , when parents would come to us and say , oh my gosh , you have to help my child , the very first thing we do is , okay , let's sit down and talk about how we can help you first , because you are the lifeline , you are the essence , and we'll talk more in the interview about how important physiological regulation is .
Speaker 2But it's so important for parents to be in touch with their own pain and issues so they know how to resolve them . And , as you and I have often talked , you know our greatest teachers , our loved ones , absolutely so . Yeah , but I never expected to be working in Rwanda and with Aboriginal communities and certainly never imagined post-school shooting communities . But I made a decision to follow my heart and that's what I've been doing all these years . Here I am . So there you go . It wasn't like this big flash of this is what we're doing now .
Speaker 1So from a pretty early age , as you look to do your own work , it seems like that really resonated with you and led you to where you are now
.
Speaker 1And I love the point that you make , lori , that it is so important for parents to do our own work . What I found when we got like two years out from the tragedy in Sandy Hook you know , two years after the shooting the children that were coming into me at that point had parents who were really traumatized and had trauma backgrounds where they weren't doing their own healing . And the children I really believe children can only be as healthy as their parents are . We can't expect them to be doing work that we're not doing , and I don't say that as a judgment , but just that is my experience . And I always say to parents it's just as easy as , and also ugh , how annoying is it that when we do our work , our children do better , their behavior is better , they feel better , they are more grounded and it's just that easy and also ugh . It comes back to me again , right , as a parent doing my own work . You just hate that .
Speaker 2You bring up such a good point for parents as well , which is what we witnessed , understandably so , as you mentioned , is look , when events like Sandy Hook happen , and whether it's a fatal illness , whether it's some shocking accident , whatever the issue is is only going to trigger whatever underlying trauma that already is , and everyone's trauma capsule is fused in a different way , and so good therapists know how to navigate that . But for parents out there , everything now has changed and everything is sending your children to school . There's a lack of safety , and working on that sense of internal safety is the most important thing we can do . So for parents to realize whatever your child seems to be triggering for you in the moment probably is about 10% Am I making sense to , because there's probably a 90% background to why this is presenting as so intense .
Speaker 1Absolutely , and one of the many sad aspects was that many of the parents of children here in Newtown Sandy Hook is a village of Newtown , so Sandy Hook's part of Newtown many of these parents were adults that had lived through 9-11 because they had lived right in New York City and in some cases one of the parents was at the Trade Center or nearby and they lived through it in a very close and traumatizing way and they moved to this suburb to have safety for their family and for those individuals . Of course they were re-traumatized and that brought up that fear and the trauma from their past experience . How could it not , I think , even people who had done a lot of work to heal themselves to be living through a trauma of this magnitude again was so hard ?
Speaker 2Well , I think the thing that has become most evident to me , and I think you as well , in your EFT practice , is the importance of somatic release techniques . Yes , oh , my God , yes . And now there's a lot of talk about the vagus nerve and all that . That's great , but here in EFT we've been researching this for 30 years and we know that tapping on meridian points , acupressure points in the body , sends signals to the heart-brain body connection that it's safe in the presence of stressors , and so the most important thing we can do anyone on the planet is to learn how to regulate your own physiology and have many techniques to do that with EFT and the Grace Process , which is something that I teach as well but to understand that when we're feeling that a sense of anxiety or even overwhelming fear or anger , we want to preserve and honor the gift of the information that those feelings are giving us . However , it's a heck of a lot easier to understand what those feelings are when our physiology is in neutral , when our physiology when you feel a sense of inner safety and a lot of my work is based on the heart-brain-body connection we're triggering our prefrontal cortex and our heart to connect and communicate , and that's where we get the seed of our creativity , of our intuition of problem-solving , of a sense of connectedness and oneness , and I like to say that we are heart-wired for our divinity because we have this physiological mechanism we can work with .
Speaker 2Yes , and depending on where we are in our interview , I know one of the most powerful techniques that you can teach to parents and kids is tap and breathe . Yes , yes , just tap and breathe . It doesn't even have to be complicated . No , but if you tap and breathe every hour for two minutes and we know that you absolutely have two minutes every hour , because if your physiology isn't regulated , then you're not being productive , you're not being affected , and the thing that we saw in Newtown that was so effective is when we taught parents to tap with their kids . There was a shared intimacy , there was an emergence of new information from the child and from the parent , and so there was a bonding experience . And , of course , you and I are very much about .
Speaker 2If you can't laugh , then don't do it . Yeah , but imagine driving to school every morning with your three kids in the back seat and you're just trying to drink that cup of coffee and get there . You're thinking about the next thing and imagine tapping and breathing in the car with your kids . We saw tremendous results , and then the tensions would give way to laughter , which would give way to oh , we all share . We're having a shared experience and oftentimes , when parents are in that place , of being triggered , there's this separation feeling , this feeling that I am not connected to my child , and that's what creates in my mind that sense of insecurity and lacking of safety . So then , what do we do ? We try to control , and if anyone's tried to control a three-year-old in a meltdown , you'll understand that this does not go well . No , it does not go well .
Speaker 1Lori , so beautiful . I'm having so many thoughts as you say this , I think , for one , eft is so powerful in exactly what you're saying , helping us to really feel safe . We're having that somatic experience and this is crazy . But I haven't done an episode on EFT yet because I want to do it when I have other offerings that I can give to people to help them to learn it , rather than just throw it out there and then that's it , Because I think it is a bit to learn . You know a lot to learn in 40 minutes , but I will have some links for listeners where they can find out more in a visual where we have those meridian points , and I promise an episode on that soon .
Speaker 1But you know , the kids that I work with very often are struggling with having anxiety . So by that I mean that they are in a state so often where their amygdala , which is their alert system to danger , is telling them that they're in danger and they're scanning for danger all day long , and it's not enough for me as a therapist to just use talk therapy to help them to not be in danger all the time , because that amygdala is going to say , oh yeah , okay , whatever , we're in danger . I'm still scanning . They need to have physiological experiences that tell their amygdala they're safe , where they actually feel calm and safe , and the more that they do that , the easier it is to access it . So I love what you're sharing . Just you know , taking time throughout the day to tap on the meridian points , to tap and breathe you don't have to get fancy with the words and figure that out Can have a profound impact . I teach my clients how to use breath work as well and other techniques that you know . I often will have them do things at bedtime because they're in bed and it can be calming and relaxing .
Speaker 1And , as a parent , I remember when one of my children would have anxiety . It would trigger in me a response of just wanting to run away . So this is what you're talking about with that separation . So then I would respond in irritability and that would disconnect us even further and round and round we'd go . So this was another example of when I realized shit , I have to do my own work . And when I did and I could tolerate being there with my child with their anxiety , everything changed . So , so beautiful .
Speaker 2And just let's imagine . This is the promise , this is the miracle of doing our own work first . Now imagine a world full of parents who are able to recognize when they were being triggered to interrupt whatever that separation is that they're feeling in that moment . Every parent that does that work sets up a resonance field , strengthens the resonance field for that to happen in the world and that sounds a little airy fairy , but very much quantum physics based , and you've seen it in your clients , you've seen it with yourself . I certainly have as well the miracle , the secret sauce in being able to lead the parent to their optimal self , where they literally have all the wisdom they need to connect with their child and when they drop the ego and they feel safe in their bodies . That's where the magic is , that's what and I say magic , it's real , it's palpable , it is real . Yeah , the Heart Math Institute for people who want to study this the hidden power of the heart quantifies all of this now .
Speaker 1Absolutely . Research backs this up , which is so freaking cool . I love it .
So I imagine , lori , a stranger sitting next to you on an airplane and you're having a casual conversation , and they probably say like , oh , what do you do ? And you start telling them about your work in Rwanda with orphans of genocide and Sandy Hook survivors and family members and survivors and family members in Parkland , and I just imagine they probably say to you something like , oh my God , that sounds so dark and depressing . Right , I know it's not , I know you don't experience it that way , but I imagine some listeners are even thinking , oh my God , how does she do this ? What do you say to those people that might think , wow , this is dark work .
Speaker 2Yeah , and thank you . That's a great question and I have learned to tailor my airplane configuration . It's a pretty good thing and , honestly , all I know is the way that I prepared for the work in Rwanda was to really do a really deep dive into the darkest parts of my shadow . Could I sit with a woman whose family had been murdered and she herself was living with AIDS ? Could I sit with someone who had murdered a hundred people ? Could I sit with an orphan had a household ? What would it take for me to have peace in my heart , to hold a truly open , healing space with people ? So the work was with me and every piece of work I did on myself helped me know that I was good enough , that it was enough , that I was enough .
Speaker 2But it took a lot of work and I had also figured out Listen , we are all capable of every human thought , behavior , action and , of course , I'm capable of this the worst of violence that you can imagine if I didn't feel safe , if I was put into a circumstance . So , having said all of that , this work breaks my heart open . What's possible , it doesn't break my heart down . It's like we see the resilience . We see the resilience of communities . Now look , we know that healing from a community tragedy like Sandy Hook takes decades , but we've also seen the miracles Even early on , when we were working with clients just to help them heal what we call their 12-14 story .
Speaker 2I remember this , yeah , the importance of just getting a baseline of , if we take that tragedy , if we lift the impact to your physiology of that tragedy , what else is possible , and we would see these beautiful issues for healing come up , and then we would see the resilience of people when they felt safe in their bodies . So for me to be fully present in my heart to whatever I'm experiencing brings me such gratitude , love , joy and wonder that it couldn't possibly . I mean , it's heartbreaking . But then I have this gift of decades now of seeing that miracles can come from tragedy .
Speaker 2And whether it's a huge tragedy or look , everybody's trauma is different and what is traumatic for one person is not for another , right At the same time . And we can't compare our tragedies . Well , for so long it was parents who were grieving the new normal in schools and comparing well , I didn't lose a child . Well , yes , but your fear of losing your child to that is the trauma . And so if we could imagine if every person on the planet had a touch of inner safety . It sounds crazy , but I think the violence would end if every these perpetrators will . That's a whole another thing , but there's trauma level that we just need to understand . If we do our first , we're changing that intergenerational pattern . Every parent that chooses to change or heal something that's familial related is changing , and we know EFT research shows us that we're changing our epigenetics .
Speaker 1That's crazy . That's so cool . Yeah , so you are segwaying so beautifully , lori , into one of your quotes that I pulled out from your book . So I will mention that you have a beautiful new book coming out and the book is titled in body and grace . I am so grateful that I got to read an advanced copy . I pulled a quote from it and that quote is the most powerful way to receive grace and resonate with the energy of grace every day is to choose to be in gratitude , love , joy and wonder in as many moments as possible . End quote . So can you tell us more about that , lori , and how does being in that state change us ?
Speaker 2So many things to say about this , and you'll find out in the book what the quantum physics support is for all of this . And I'm not talking about spiritual bypassing here , I'm not talking about not dealing with the issues in your life and not dealing with anger and fear and all of that , but literally the fastest way you can tap to change your emotional state or physiological state . But imagine and we've done this exercise , you and I but if you spend three minutes several times a day thinking about what you have to be grateful for , there's an immediate flood of endorphins . It's like our dear friend Julie says the medicine is in our fingertips . Yes , literally .
Speaker 2And so then , when you're sitting in that place of gratitude , it's natural for feelings of love to arise , and once that happens , it's possible for a spark of joy .
Speaker 2Not every day is there a spark of joy , but then the wonder Imagine taking and I would invite listeners to do this is to take two minutes to be in wonder about something . I don't care if it's the hair on the back of somebody's head , I don't care it's the fly in the window trying to get out , I don't care Whatever it is , but two minutes to bring ourselves fully innocent , as if we have never experienced this particular thing before . This is a way that we can change our state . Immediately , endorphins start to flow , the stress hormones start to release , and then we remember more of the truth of who we are . We remember more of what's possible instead of what's not possible , and there's a whole explanation in the book of why that works physiologically . So , even if you are having the worst day , or your loved one is dying , or whatever the circumstance is , there's something to be grateful for , there's something to be in wonder about , which puts us in the present moment , so that we can actually see and witness when miracles arise .
Speaker 1Yeah , and experience it . Yeah , oh , that's so beautiful , lori . I did an episode recently I'll have to put it in the show notes because I can't remember which one about opening up to the magic all around us , and I know that you have been such an important person in my life for helping me to recognize that , lori , and I remember early on , when we would work together , I'd meet with you and you'd say what are the miracles in your life ? And I'd be like what ? Ask me to complain , ask me what sucks , like I'm there for it . But that would always stop me in my tracks . And there always are incredible miracles , always .
Speaker 1But it's so much easier to be in that place of like ugh , here's all this stuff that's not working . Why is that
, lori ? Why , as human beings , do we tend to embrace anxiety , like you talk in your book about how we can almost be addicted to the feelings of anxiety ? I do think that's so true . I've had clients in my office and we tap or we do exercises where they get really calm and that feels really uncomfortable to them because it's so foreign . Why do we lean into kind of more the negative so much ?
Speaker 2I think several reasons .
Speaker 1I know that's a big question . You could just give us one , it is .
Speaker 2I had many thoughts about that , because it comes from a place where we are addicted to cortisol and steroids and adrenaline , and so that becomes such a hit . The hit makes us feel alive , right , even if it's in a negative way . And I remember when I was first going to a therapist and I went to her finally and said I think I'm depressed , and she said why ? And I said because I'm not anxious anymore . Well , I had been training my physiology to feel safe , because if your physiology is used to the hit of adrenaline and steroids and , for example , parents is great for this because , oh , it's always another thing , oh , I can do the next five things in half an hour and still be okay , but they're not thinking straight . It's adrenaline that is pushing them .
Speaker 2So when we get used to endorphins , it's like , ooh , I didn't know what to do with endorphins in my body . There must be something wrong with me . But the more that I stayed with it and didn't allow the hit , I want a hit of endorphins now . And so when I call it trauma , drama or drama on the folds , there's a part of me that's like oh , we can get pumped up very quickly on . Can you believe this ? And all of this which somehow gives us a feeling of being in control , but the real control comes from flowing those endorphins instead , and so I know that . Do you ever get the all caps texts ?
Speaker 1Oh God , yes , I get , and my daughter will send me all in caps , mom , and then I'm waiting for the next one . Right as I see she's typing , I'm like , oh dear God , what's happening ? Yeah ? So you're already yes , like whoop , adrenaline is flowing yeah .
Speaker 2But what I know now to do is to simply take a breath .
Speaker 2I put my hand on my heart , I tap on a point and I just take a breath into stillness of okay , what's next ? As opposed to and I'll say one other thing . I think that I think it's easy also for parents , and I know myself with my siblings it's like complaining is a way of connecting . Oh true , now we need to flip that , because it makes us feel connected in our pain , but I'd so much rather be connected in our joy and our miracles , and so it becomes an issue to simply say , hey , let's focus on what's going right for a moment , not to take away I'm not trying to disregard what's happening , but let's balance it with right and what's the opportunity .
Speaker 2Something that occurred that was always very sacred in our work in Newtown was when a client was feeling particularly safe . We could ask the question are you seeing any miracles ? Are you seeing any gifts ? Now , this is a very tender question At the same time . The answers would be , you know , that they felt supported by the divine , or that they still felt connected with their loved one , or or that so many Gifts to support them came forward , things that they never even considered before because the pain was so great .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I think this is a gift that we need to give Ourselves and each other . The only way we can do it , though , is be fully present in our hearts , because how many friends we counsel of People who had lost children , and the friends needed so much work because it was so hard for them To witness , because they didn't know what to do with someone else's pain , and that's another film , yeah , but I just will always leave people with working on yourself first , working on your own Physiology . Are you in your heart or you're in your head ? Is your physiology calm ? Tap and breathe for two minutes every hour . I promise you that if you tap and breathe every hour for two days , and if you do it with your children , you will see a Huge shift , absolutely .
Speaker 1Yeah , I remember just tapping with my son at night . He was little at the time so I would still be putting him to bed and I remember the shift I saw in him . Just every night we would tap , starting at the top of our head , working through the points . You probably remember this . We would tell people to do this with their kids tap on the yuckies , the complaints . You know mom packed me the wrong sandwich . My best friend was absent . You know we didn't have gym class . I thought we had gym class today , like all the things and do like you know At least five or six or as many as they have . And then we would tap on the things that he appreciated and then for kids that had anxiety so we didn't always do this we would tap on the things that made him feel safe . Or you know my clients with their children and that , oh my gosh , what a beautiful way to end your day . And I often , for 10 or 15 minutes , just tap on my own . You know my husband will come in . Oh , you're tapping , okay , he'll wait right . And I just have for 10 or 15 minutes before bed on whatever big emotions I'm feeling , and I sleep better . I'm less likely to wake up clenching my jaw right . There's such beauty in exactly what you say , laurie .
Speaker 1I think in our culture , for so many reasons , we can feel anxious . For me , I grew up as a kid with anxiety . You know , when I took that first psychology class I was like having my Oprah Aja moment of like . Does anyone else see , in all the Disorders they got here like wow right , oh , panic attack , that's what happened the other night .
Speaker 1So for me , when I Was out on my own and I remember Mars and I were first together and living together and it was so lovely and so absent of any kind of like fear or drama that I started worrying that one of us would die . And I remember working with the therapist and saying Everything is so great and we're getting married and I feel so loved and safe , and not that I mean my parents did a great job , but they had their own trauma and their own anxiety , right . But I said to my therapist I'm really scared , one of us is gonna die . I have a bad feeling . That's what's about to happen , right ? And I learned no , I just had gotten so used to being in a state of anxiety all the time that there was a part of me that was trying to recreate it , because it's what was familiar , right .
Speaker 2And that's what I say , because the adrenaline gives you this hit , yes , of being alive , mm-hmm . It takes a different like for me . Now I know that endorphins is where I want to feel alive .
Speaker 1Yes , I love that shift , love it right . To just think of that like whoop , I'm noticing , I'm anxious . How can I shift this ? How can I Change this and get a hit instead of calm and safety ? And , as parents , like when our children are babies , the world is a dangerous place . We actually have to watch them all the time . They have those big heads as toddlers we're told they could like fall over into .
Speaker 2Like an inch of water , could be deadly , right , like it's really you got to cut their grapes up , like it's scary and it's easy to be in that space it is , and it's so interesting you bring that up because , honestly , we put so much pressure on parents and I'm not making light of how Vulnerable an infant is , but it's also shocking how resilient .
Speaker 1Good point . You're so right because you know , I think we tell ourselves a story as parents of babies like , oh , it'll be better when , right . But now I have a 20 year old and an 18 year old and so sometimes it's late at night and I'm like okay , hoping everything's good . They're out and driving on the roads , right , there's different stuff . So you're right , I think it's that choice and I think people will love to Really learn in your book how they can actually Practically do this . And that's another thing I really like , lori you don't just talk the talk . Sometimes books do that and then I finish them and go okay , great , how do I do that ? But you give some concrete exercises to help people to get into that space . So I think that's so beautiful . I think you might have already answered this question , but I'm curious if I could give you a magic wand and you could make what every person in the entire world do one thing every day for themselves . Would it be that tapping every hour or would it be something else ?
Speaker 2Tapping every hour with one thought , remembering the truth of who you really are . You matter . Your presence on the earth matters you are parenting matters everything you choose to heal in yourself matters .
Speaker 1That's beautiful , yeah , that's beautiful . And how do you think that would impact the world if everyone were doing that ?
Speaker 2And let's just take a moment right here , close our eyes and breathe into Every person we know that who struggles , every person we know who finds it difficult to commit to their own healing . Imagine they can find a tool to make them feel safe in their bodies . Imagine every listener Found that tool to feel safe in their body so that they are responding and not reacting . Now take that from a personal level to a loved one level , to a community level , to a global level . Imagine if all of our leaders felt safe enough to take the hard stands and to speak the truth in a loving , compassionate way . This is the promise of our divine connection .
Speaker 1That's beautiful , laurie , thank you . You have certainly made the world a more beautiful place . You have made my life so much more beautiful and I am forever grateful to you for that . Laurie , where can our listeners connect with you and how can they get your beautiful book ?
Speaker 2Well , thank you and listen . You know I'm a crier and we lasted the whole thing without crying .
Speaker 1I know , no . I mean , I've had my eyes fill up , but I have held my shit together . Laurie and I didn't think I'd be able to do that with you and I thought I'd swear first before you .
Speaker 2So several things . If you go to wwwdoctorloryladencom and we'll put that in the chat for you , thank you .
Speaker 1I'll share that with listeners . I'll have everything in the . It's technically the show description . It's what they can see right under the description of the podcast . They'll have all of those links .
Speaker 2Beautiful and not excited for people if they if they do sign up to hear more about the book I'm offering at a very special price so that it can get into the hands of as many people as possible on September 14th for just $1.99 . And We'll be having some special events through the day free meditation and whatnot to to kick off this movement of People committing to doing their own work first .
Speaker 1That's beautiful , and so when people go to your website , laurie , can they find out about those Meditations that you're offering ?
Speaker 2Yes awesome . And so with the two links that you'll be posting , they go to the website . There's an opportunity to opt in for information about the book . In the book is an option for free meditation downloads . It's all right there and I'm forward to hearing feedback from people and , of course , will also be offering some mentoring programs to support the work .
Speaker 1Beautiful Laurie . This has been such a joy . I Hope that everyone buys your book . I think it's so beautiful and Everyone could benefit from it . I know I'm gonna Be reading that and coming back to it time and time again and just working on the grace process myself , because I think there is Such safety that is accessible to each of us as we do that beautiful process . So thank you .
Speaker 2And thank you , lauren , for truly embodying grace . And we laugh about the mistakes we make and all of that . But but we know each other Intimately
. From our commitment in Newtown I can safely say I think that we all received more than we gave . Oh my gosh , yes , and I'm so grateful that you're part of my spiritual family .
Speaker 1It's just Extraordinary it's an it's an absolute honor , laurie . There are some beautiful miracles that have come to me and have been brought in my life from the Sandy Hook tragedy , and you are certainly a big one , so thank you so much . Thank you , daryl . I'm so grateful to dr Laurie laden for being here today and I'm so grateful to her personally for all the healing that she has helped me with in my own life and Grateful to her for all of the beautiful work she is doing in this world . I hope you will check out her website and Purchased her new book in body and grace . You'll find all the ways you can connect with her in the show description . I'm so glad you joined me here today . Until next time , friends , I hope you take some time today and every day to do something kind for yourself .