Anxiety in children often looks really different from what people imagine . As a therapist specializing in working with children and teens who experience anxiety , parents are often surprised at how some of their children's behavior or misbehavior comes from their anxiety symptoms . In today's episode , I will tell you about some symptoms I commonly see when working with kids and teens who are dealing with anxiety . I'll also give you some strategies for helping your children to reduce their anxiety symptoms and feel more calm . Welcome , zen friends . I hope forever you are . You're doing well . It's been a while since I've checked in with you all and told you about what's bringing me more Zen lately . So here's where I'm at and how I'm caring for myself these days . I am often asking our guests , the people that I'm interviewing , what they are doing , to care for themselves , and I am always reminding you all to do something kind for yourself at the end of every episode , at the very least . So I thought I would take a few minutes just to let you know the ways that I am taking care of myself lately . So I , as I've told you many times , am a summer loving girl . As summer is saying it's final goodbye , I have taken charge by putting up some fall decorations for myself . I have put a fall wreath on my door . I have put two beautiful pots of yellow mums on my front doorstep . I've got a little welcome flag . That's in my backyard . We have a small koi pond and I've changed that flag . It was really cute and had a picture of popsicles and said hello summer . So I just changed that out today and I now have a . And I now have a flag that says welcome and it has some fall looking flowers on it . Maybe I'll post a picture of all this in our Facebook group for you . I feel like by doing a little decorating for myself at home , it's helping me to move into the autumn season and , living here in New England , I actually do really love the change of seasons . I love that we have four seasons , even though summer is my favorite child for sure . So I am starting to get in that fall mood as the leaves have started to change and just embracing the fall time . So just going with the flow , trying to be here in the present moment and enjoy what is .
Speaker 1I am someone who makes my coffee at home . I drink a nice big mug of coffee every single morning and I very often make myself coffee for the afternoon I have in the afternoon . I do mainly decaf . I'll mix just a little bit of regular in and I'm drinking mostly hot coffee , even in the hottest part of the summertime . I feel a little bit like a grandma doing it , but I do enjoy my coffee hot . When I do want to get myself a treat , I will sometimes go to Starbucks and get what they call a London fog .
Speaker 1I discovered this a few years ago . It is Earl Grey tea , hot of course , with a pump of vanilla syrup . I just ask for one pump . I typically get a tall , which is their small , and then I'll get almond milk or oat milk that is steamed . It is so good . If you haven't tried it , try it . It's especially good on a rainy or colder day . It is just the right amount of caffeine for me in the afternoon . I have occasionally treated myself to a grande which they put two tea bags so I get an extra boost . I got to be careful with that , but it's delicious . That vanilla syrup gives it a little bit of sweetness . I don't like things too sweet . So that one pump for me , it's perfect .
Speaker 1And lastly , my husband and I are watching the show Ted Lasso . I'm probably the last person on the planet to be finishing this show . We're watching the last season now , just in case you haven't watched it . I highly recommend it . It's got sports , so for my husband that is a hook for him . For me it has just fun light themes . The characters are really moral and they have just a real nice positive message throughout the show , which I enjoy . Pretty people , nothing terrible happens . It's a great way to end the day , so check it out if you haven't already .
Speaker 1I need to get back to the show shrinking . Have any of you seen that ? I think that's on Apple TV also . It is about a therapist and he starts doing all of these very unethical things in order to help his clients . Totally cracks me up .
Speaker 1Someday I'll tell you some stories . I have a good story that involves me in a hot tub with a client . I'll leave it there as a teaser and from there my other therapist friends and I , using the , I guess , metaphor or is it analogy Are you in the hot tub with your client , meaning Mm-mm , too close Boundaries are being crossed . But it was innocent enough , it was a kid , it involved a pool party , so I don't want you thinking it was anything too scandalous , but it's a fun story .
Speaker 1Nonetheless , on today's episode , I am excited to talk to you about children , children and teens experiencing anxiety . I'm not excited about it because I like children and teens experiencing anxiety . I don't . What I do like is working with families with kids and teens experiencing anxiety , because it is so treatable and I get to see results really fast , and so that is so rewarding in the work that I do , and I'm excited to give you information today that I hope you will use to help the children and teens in your life to feel less anxious , and so that is exciting . So let's take a short break and then we'll get right to it . Welcome back .
Speaker 1I'm going to talk to you about how I see anxiety often showing up for kids and teens . I think I'll just say probably kids going forward . Just to keep it simple Now , I'm going to describe three different types of kid that I often see with anxiety , and you'll see how some of these symptoms are often misunderstood and parents and teachers don't recognize these symptoms as symptoms of anxiety . Now , of course , kids don't always neatly fit into these categories , so this is just to give you a little bit of an easier way of understanding what I'm describing . Maybe keep it interesting . That is my hope , but of course , again , kids don't always fit perfectly neatly into these or any other categories .
Speaker 1All right , the first kid and the kid that comes to me the most for counseling is who I will call the good kid , the good boy , the good girl . He's a non binary kid , but just the good kid . This kid is typically a rule . This kid is typically a rule follower . Teachers love this kid . This kid has lots of friends . They're known as being a really nice , kind kid .
Speaker 1This kid , in fact , is so good at working hard and being good that they are just , in fact , keeping it together all day long at school , because what we can't see , what's brewing underneath , is a lot of anxiety . They hold it together all day long and then they get home and within the first 20 minutes , typically , they are having a meltdown . That meltdown might be being fresh to a parent , not being polite , being disrespectful to mom or dad , maybe being unkind to a sibling Unkind to a sibling . They might be having a big reaction to a little problem . They might be crying . They might be breaking something Probably not breaking something , they probably don't go that far , but they are just falling apart emotionally in some way . When they aren't having a meltdown , they are often asking for reassurance Is this right ? Did I do my homework right ? Are you sure it's right ? They might be erasing their homework repeatedly as they work on it and redoing it .
Speaker 1These kids often want things to be perfect . They can tend to be perfectionists and they have a hard time when plans change . They like to know what to expect and they want to be on time to school , on time to activities , on time to events . They might be waiting for you in the car before you're even ready , or asking you what time does the birthday party start ? And looking at the clock . So these kids are always kids . Again , that teachers love , students love . When you go to the parent teacher conference , the teacher will say something like oh , I wish everyone was like Sally . Sally is so helpful and kind and cooperative and gets you know , does their work , gets good grades . They are a model student Alright .
Speaker 1The next category of kids that I typically see with anxiety or often see I'm going to call the negative thinker . The negative thinker basically likes to focus on the negative . They get stuck . So what that might look like is having a hard time . So what that might look like is you're having a fantastic day but one thing goes wrong and the negative thinker is going to focus on it and get stuck in having negative emotions . I hate to say negative emotion . There's no such thing as a bad emotion , right ? But an emotion that's like disappointment or sadness . They're just going to dig in and get stuck there .
Speaker 1These kids often have a hard time making decisions . Maybe they get some money and you take them to a toy store and they're going to be really afraid of making the wrong choice and just taking forever to decide on what they want . They are very often argumentative . You say this guy is blue . They say it's not really blue , it's really gray that particular day , or it's green , or whatever they are going to argue . You are going to find yourself in situations where you , as the adult , know that they are wrong and they are not going to back down , no matter what .
Speaker 1They often have just one or two friends , like maybe one or two buddies at school . They can struggle with making or keeping friends . They tend to be really inflexible , so that they have trouble compromising . They want to do what they want to do . They very often have interests that are high in certain areas and they're not interested in doing other things . They can have difficulty with transitions . So you're at home but it's time to go to soccer . They're having a hard time wrapping up what they're doing and getting in the car , or they have a hard time getting up in the morning and out to the school bus in time to easily get on the bus and it can be really stressful trying to get them out the door . These kids I see getting into a lot of disagreements at home . I see where they really dig in again to those emotions that they're feeling , when they are emotions like sadness or this was unfair right , where they're feeling things in a really big way and parents will try to get them to come around to see the positive . It is absolutely impossible to do so and it is much more likely that you will get success when you simply validate their feelings , allow them to feel it . They will eventually come around on their own . But if you're trying to get them to see the bright side , forget about it . They are going to work hard at convincing you that there is no bright side .
Speaker 1Alright , the third and final category that I have I'm calling the behavioral challenge , also known as the little stinker . This kid is driving the teacher and probably the entire class crazy . They are calling out without raising their hand . I'm thinking of a kid I worked with once where I spoke to the teacher and the teacher said yes , this child does not raise their hand when I'm speaking to the class , is just shouting out answers . And I asked the teacher about how often does this happen ? And she said well , I've counted a few times and it's between 70 and 80 times a day . I was like what ? 70 to 80 times ? Right , so it's not always this extreme , but it can be . This kid is often touching everybody's stuff .
Speaker 1This child has trouble focusing in the classroom on what they're supposed to be focusing on . The parents are often just besides themselves . They don't know what to do . They're trying anything and everything . These kids are often getting into arguments with other children . They don't understand why the other children are getting frustrated with them . They sometimes do understand what they're doing wrong in class and why they're getting in trouble with the teacher , but they just can't seem to stop themselves . They feel discouraged and they often are blaming others for their behavioral challenges , for the reasons why they're getting in trouble .
Speaker 1Shout out to my friend , christina Esche , who's a teacher . I used to babysit her . I know she's a listener , so grateful for that . I know as a teacher she knows the kids I'm talking about right now . So let's look at what I'm calling the good kid .
They save all of their explosive behavior . They're yelling , name-calling , their agitation , their irritation for the parents Usually one parent in particular , and yes , of course it's usually the mom . It's so stressful on parents . This behavior is incredibly hard and stressful for parents . Parents love their children and they want to help them . But in the moment when a kid is being really disrespectful , they are often pushing the parents buttons . Now the parent is going to be reactive often and then the parent gets into these cycles with their kid .
Speaker 1The child is acting out of irritation and or agitation rate . They're experiencing anxiety . They're showing it in this agitation , which is maybe being disrespectful to the parent . Now that pushes the parents buttons and the parent is reactive and yells or says something that they later regret , maybe something mean to the child . So now the parent feels bad , but the parents also feeling afraid because they don't know what they should do . They're afraid that their child is never going to be able to handle having a boss or handle stress in any way and this is similar for the other types of anxious kids I described as well the negative thinker or the stinker the parents go to a place of worry and a place of their own anxiousness about their child and what the future holds about their child and their child's lack of the and their child's lack of ability to move through stress , to move through the typical challenges that come up in life . Now I want to note again that I'm just describing these types of kids , these little categories of kids , and giving them cute names to help illustrate the symptoms of anxiety that are often misunderstood . Again , of course , kids don't hardly ever neatly fit into these categories right .
Speaker 1Some other symptoms of anxiety that you might see in kids include a lot of fidgeting , difficulty keeping still , maybe constant chatter or talking , maybe talking over other people , children crying and having tears before or during tests and quizzes or at other times where they're maybe being asked to do something hard or something competitive , like maybe a parent is trying to drop them off at a sports game or a practice , maybe they're clinging to the parent , or some children might even refuse to go to school . Sometimes you see kids with anxiety eating very little or having very super or having . Sometimes you see kids with anxiety who are not eating very much , or maybe they have a very restricted diet , like they'll only eat certain foods and there's not much variety . Sometimes you'll see kids that are overeating in a way to self soothe as well . So I'm sure I'm missing some other symptoms , but I think I'm giving you , hopefully , a good feel for what a child routine with anxiety might look like . So now I want to get to the part where I can give you some strategies to help your child who's experiencing these symptoms of anxiety . So let's take a short break and then we'll get right to it . Welcome back .
Speaker 1The first and most important thing that you can do as a parent when you have a kid experiencing symptoms of anxiety is take really good care of yourself . Is that annoying ? It's kind of annoying , right . I'm sorry , but it's true . In some ways it's the best of news . You get to care for yourself . You deserve to care for yourself , and caring for yourself is going to help your child to feel less anxious , I promise you that's true , Even if it's only a little bit less anxious , because you are more calm and grounded and they can pick up on that energy that is still assisting your child . The other thing is , when you care for yourself , it's going to give you more patience . It's going to help you be more present for your child in a way that you are less likely to get into that cycle I described before of your child's fresh and pushes your buttons because they're experiencing anxiety . You are reactive and yell at them or call them a name . Now you feel bad . It's hard , right ? Nobody likes doing that . So caring for yourself is going to help you by helping your child to pick up on your lovely energy . It's going to help you by not getting into that cycle with your kid quite as much as well .
Speaker 1So what do you do ? What can you do ? I want you to think of two things . Number one you need to meet your basic needs . Right , we always all should be doing this . We should , we shouldn't should all over ourselves . But yes , we should be caring for ourselves in a way of getting enough sleep , eating frequently enough and healthy and also delicious foods , right ? Yeah , we should make sure that our basic needs are taken care of . Think of the old put your oxygen mask on before you put it on for your children . I know many parents are putting the oxygen mask on first for their children . Many parents are . I have been guilty of this myself and it is going to help you tremendously to care for your own needs , so important . So some ideas for how you might do this .
Speaker 1Besides taking care of your basic needs , think of the things that help you to feel calm , relaxed , inspired , rejuvenated . I'll just read off some examples , but I'm sure other things are coming to mind for you . Here are some things that help me to feel more relaxed , more joyful taking time to read a book , taking a hot bath , visiting with a friend , baking just for fun , not under pressure for someone's birthday or an event . Watching a funny show or movie . My favorite go-to is Bridget Jones's Diary . Oh , love that movie . That is like a cozy , warm hug when I'm really feeling beaten down . That movie is a go-to for me . I might eat some of my favorite ice cream . I know nutritionists and dietitians are cringing at this . I don't eat like the whole pint , but I have a little bit of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia Also . That just feels so nourishing to me . Calling a friend , that makes me laugh . You know who you are Getting outside in nature petting one of my dogs . You could pet one of your furry animals or a friends . So I think you're getting the idea Again . I hope things are coming up for you , you're thinking of things that would be rewarding for you . I just want to share a quick story that illustrates the power of when we care for ourselves .
Speaker 1My daughter was in sixth grade and here in Newtown there's an intermediate school that's fifth and sixth . She had been in the play in fifth grade and then had tried out for it in sixth grade . The way the play tryouts were handled was that it was a two week process and during that process you did the try out , she did the try out and then she waited . Maybe she would get a call back where she would come and audition again , or maybe not . If she did not get a call back , it didn't mean that she didn't make it . She still could have made it , but also maybe she didn't . Some kids were cut . So the poor kid had an audition right at the beginning of the two week period and then every day she'd come home from school and she'd tell me oh , so and so had a call back . Oh , now , so and so had a call back Her kids , her friends , that she had been in the play with the year before she was not getting a call back .
Speaker 1I found myself at work one night and getting ready to come home and feeling so anxious about going home and having her anxious and telling me that maybe she didn't get a call back again . So what I did was I did some of my own work . I did some tapping , some EFT emotional freedom technique . I promise an episode on that soon . I know I keep saying that but really I promise I will and I went from feeling like I'm scared to go home . I'm scared she's going to tell me once again that she didn't get a call back to having the realization of I'm not worried about Lena's worry . I have a part of me that wants her to be in that play . It's my worry .
Speaker 1And then getting to a place of I'm just going to love her as a parent and I don't really care so much if she gets into the play because I know that there will be other opportunities to do different things if she doesn't . Well , I got home that night and I went into her room she was getting ready for bed and she said to me you know I didn't get a call back still and I said oh , I'm sorry to hear that . And she said but you know what , mom , it's okay because I can just do something else . Right , I could like try dance or try a sport . Would that be okay if I don't make the play ? And I was like , absolutely , you , absolutely can . I mean that's like magic , right , that I did my work . I got to a better place . I wasn't even in the same house as her . I was a couple of towns away in my office and then came home and she had gotten to a better place too . So I share that to say it's just that easy , and also , I roll a get to . I have to do more of my work again as a parent , yes , but the good news is when we do it , we feel better and our kids benefit from it .
Speaker 1All right , so the next thing you can do to help your child who's experiencing anxiety is have regular downtime for you and your child Time that's not scheduled Time , when you can turn off your devices and just do something that is a relaxing , kind of chill activity . Here are some examples you could take a walk or take a hike , play a board game or a card game . You could create some artwork or make a craft . You can even do this with your teens . I have teens that love to go to Michaels . If I'm like , okay , let's go to Michaels and we'll get some art supplies for home , okay , my son , who's 18 , will not always go along with this , but my daughter , who's 20 , will , and very often , or at least sometimes . Maybe that's more truthful . Sometimes my son will join in with us too , but he has been known to draw for fun still , even at 18 . You could cuddle with a younger kid . Sometimes older kids will give you a hug or a cuddle too . You could offer a back scratch , especially with younger kids with anxiety .
Speaker 1They often benefit from sensory activities . Think of playing in sand or a sand tray or being in water or I don't know . I'm trying to think of something else like baking , where they can do some baking and use their hands , things like that . You can play outside with the pet . You can take a drive somewhere new and explore a new place . You can go to a garden shop . I often , when my kids were young and we had nothing to do , we would go walk around a local garden shop and just look at the different plants . You could go to the beach or a lake if you have water near you or the mountains , you can just sit and talk . You can tell your kids a story about when they were little , or you can tell them a story about when you were younger . Just think about having less time rushing around getting from one event to the next , more time just being not having an agenda , not having a really short time limit , just having like some expansive time , like a whole afternoon , where then you maybe make a simple dinner and you all can just slow down .
Speaker 1Okay , my next tip for you is do not capital N , capital O , capital T . Try to reason with your child when they are having a meltdown . When they are gone , baby gone , their prefrontal cortex , that part of their brain responsible for logic and reason , is offline . You are not going to get anywhere . Maybe they are calling you names , maybe they are being completely unreasonable . You can say something like I will talk to you when you are more calm and remove yourself . If you feel like you are going to lose it , you can just simply okay , I am listening .
I took that from my friend , ann Coleman . I love how she uses that I am listening . That is fantastic . You can validate their feelings . I hear you are very upset . I can see you are very upset . I understand how you are feeling emotions in a big way right now . I would be upset too . Yes , I would be upset too if that happened to me . I am feeling upset for you . It sure sounds like you had a difficult day . Validate them Then later , when they are calm .
Speaker 1Now can be a time where you can say hey , earlier you were really not being very kind to me . You told me that I was annoying . I'd really rather you prefer , say I'd prefer in the future that instead of saying mom , you're being annoying , you say I feel annoyed . Do you see how that's different ? Do you see how that feels different ? I love when you can use I feel statements . That helps me to be able to hear you better , because then I'm not getting upset . When you're calling me names , then I start feeling upset and I want to be able to hear you . When you're the one feeling upset , I want to be present for you . So maybe we could try that in the future . That would be awesome , or let's try that in the future , so when they're no longer in a place of being really upset , where emotions are big , they can better hear you , and when you can say it with love and compassion . They're also going to be better able to hear you saying I know you were upset before I get it , and here's what I would like from you is a great way to talk about how to start changing things in the future . Now here's what I want you to remember , and I wish I could go back in time and remember this more myself when my kids were younger . It is not a sprint , it is a marathon .
Speaker 1Your kids are not going to do any of this perfectly . The next time they have a meltdown , they're probably not going to remember it . They're probably going to say you're so annoying . They're probably going to say it again or something like it . And then again you're going to say , as a reminder hey , remember , can we please say I feel annoyed ? Or I'd really like you to say I feel annoyed instead of you're annoying . I can hear that better . It's going to be a lot of repetition . You can , in the moment , say I feel annoyed . When they say Mom , you're so annoying , just I feel annoyed . Sometimes they can shift themselves , sometimes they can't . In the moment , let it go . If they can't , that's okay , let it go . Let it go . You can come back to it when they are calm . All right . Two more tips . This one is important Forgive yourself and give yourself some grace .
Speaker 1If you lose your shit , you are human . I have lost my shit . I will probably lose my shit again . I've given you examples in this podcast of me losing it . If you go back to one of the first episodes , I talk about throwing a child's crock , his shoe , out the window . I'm not proud of that and I share that with you to say none of us are perfect . The beautiful gift that comes out of losing your shit is when you apologize . We like to call that repair in counseling , right . When you apologize to your kid and you say I'm really sorry that I fill in the blank . I was feeling fill in the blank , but I should not have done that . That helps your child because your child's going to lose their shit and they're going to remember that you're not perfect either . And it's going to help them to apologize to you because you've modeled that beautifully and you've modeled that you can move on and be connected and love each other and have a wonderful nurturing relationship , even if you make mistakes , all right .
Speaker 1Lastly , get support If you feel like your child's anxiety symptoms are starting to impact their life negatively , then please reach out and find someone who is trained and specializes in treating anxiety . And if your kid is really adamant that they will not participate in therapy or counseling , then go and work with someone specializing in anxiety yourself . Maybe down the road your kid will change their mind and want to work with a therapist , but for right now , that therapist can help support you and can help support you in supporting your child . Sometimes you will find therapists who will work with you and your child . It just depends . It depends on the situation .
Speaker 1I have some situations where I will work with the kid and I will also work with the parent and then , well , I should say , anytime I'm working with a child like 14 or under , I'm also doing work with the parent . When the kids are older and teens , I'm still trying to get the parents in there . I'm usually working on buy-in from the kid and building trust so that we can all come together . But it's really important that you get support . If your child isn't willing to do it , you can work with someone and , like I'm saying , maybe it'll be someone that down the road , your child is willing to work with someone and then maybe that person's appropriate for them to work with , or maybe they give you a recommendation for someone else . These tips that I've provided today are in no way all of the tips that I have for parents in supporting their kids with anxiety . They are just a few that you can implement rather easily and quickly .
Speaker 1If you'd like to hear more about how you can support your child who's dealing with anxiety symptoms , let me know . I'm happy to do future episodes and I could even do a Zoom workshop in the future . All of the ways that you can connect with me are in the show notes . You can email me at yourzenfrenpod , at gmailcom , or find me on Instagram and send me a DM there at yourzenfrenpod . A quick recap Anxiety symptoms don't always look like what you would imagine .
By taking care of yourself , creating more downtime and time to relax and move through life with less rushing around , it , can be really helpful to your kids . You can especially help your kids by caring for yourself . Raising kids with anxiety is really , really hard , so taking care of yourself is super important . I hope to see you in our private Facebook group there . We keep the conversation going in between episodes . You can find it by searching for your Zen friend in groups on Facebook . I'm so glad you've joined me here today . Until next time , friends , I hope you'll take some time today and every day to do something kind for yourself .