Change can be challenging , especially for those of us who are living in the western part of the world . We tend to resist change at all costs . On this episode , I'll tell you a little bit about what I'm going through as a parent who is preparing for an empty nest . Ugh , I feel it just as I say that sentence . I'll also talk to you about what inflexible thinking looks like for both children and adults , and how resisting change can be part of inflexible thinking . I'll give you some tips for how you can support your families in all being more flexible thinkers . So stay tuned . Welcome to your Zen Friend . I'm your host , lauren Wolfe . In this podcast , I will share wisdom from working as a licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years . Using storytelling and lighthearted humor , each episode will explore themes on personal growth , including tips and strategies to boost mental wellness and overall well-being . If you're a perfectly imperfect human like me , who's always striving to do better and feel better , then this podcast is for you . Let's get started . Welcome , zen Friend . I hope , wherever you are , you're doing well .
Speaker 1I am having a real mixed bag lately . I have some things that are going really well in my life , but I find that I'm feeling sad a lot of the time I'm feeling sad because I'm resisting being at this point in my life , at 51 years old , having a daughter away for her junior year of college and having my quote-unquote baby not such a baby , I think , he's about six feet tall . Now my 18-year-old son is a senior and in the process of applying to college and we've been taking college tours and doing all the things . So I am just constantly aware that I will be an official well , official and unofficial empty nester beginning in August . Now , as I say that to you , I think , yes , lauren , beginning in August . It is October . I have time , I have time to get there and I'm super aware that I am totally robbing myself of joy and robbing myself of being present in the moment because I'm getting really stuck on . I'm going to be an empty nester soon , right ?
Speaker 1It's that pre-greaving . I spoke about this in a previous episode , I can't remember which one , I'll put it in the show notes . I think it was called something like Feeling All the Feelings , and as my dog , ethel , was nearing the end of her life , she had lymphoma , so we knew that she was not well I found myself pre-greaving her death , looking at her , trying to memorize her face , but also thinking okay , let's pretend she's not here anymore . What will that feel like ? Pre-greaving is a protective mechanism , where we try to protect ourselves from the pain that is coming , and right now I'm talking , of course , about emotional pain . Now , does this work ? Absolutely not , not at all . But I think for many of us we do it anyway . Right , it's probably more of a subconscious thing that happens . I catch myself doing it . I try to correct myself as best I can , but yet it's still hard . And here's what I do know for sure having a daughter who's a junior in college , and that is they come back home , they have lots of breaks . It's not goodbye forever .
Speaker 1At the same time , I feel right now that I'm nearing the end of an era of sorts in my parenting journey . Things have shifted in a really big and really actually beautiful way . My children don't need me as much as they used to when they were little . My son doesn't even need me to drive him places anymore . He has a car and a driver's license , and with that comes some freedom . I can do this podcast , which I love doing . I probably would not have done this when they were small .
Speaker 1I worked really part-time . I worked for someone else when they were young . Now I own my own business , I'm able to spend more time with friends , I'm able to spend more one-on-one time with my husband , and I really enjoy all of these things . And also , at the same time , I'm having a difficult time in really embracing being in this part of my life . Now I know exactly what would help me .
Speaker 1I know that there are three things that would help me greatly , and those three things are number one , just be in stillness now , practicing mindfulness , really slowing down to pay attention to what I am doing , really savoring each moment . I mean , I can't do this all day , but I could practice this at different points throughout the day . Number two , meditating and journaling would be so helpful for me right now to really honor how I'm feeling , spend time feeling those feelings , that sadness , whatever else is coming up for me to see it , to be with it . And number three , allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling , just like I described in that journaling process , but then also offering myself loving , kindness , offering myself compassion , honoring that I'm feeling , what I'm feeling . There's nothing wrong with it . It makes sense , validating the way I'm feeling .
Speaker 1So am I doing these three things ? No , not at all . I'm not doing them . We often resist what we need most human nature . I'm sure there's some research out there that tells us more about why we do this , but yes , I'm very much in a place of resistance . Now I know that if I did these things , I would feel much better . I know it 100% . It's true , if I had a client coming to see me , I would probably be giving them at least one of these items as homework before they came back to their next session .
Speaker 1But what I'm doing instead is I am on a decluttering mission at home , right . I've been doing lots of episodes lately about decluttering , including digital declutter and really working on our home space , and I think some of this is helpful . I'm really making a bit of an adjustment to where we are in our lives right now and some of those needs have changed . So cleaning out old toys , puzzles , et cetera . Some of that , I think , absolutely makes sense and can be really helpful . But in all honesty , I'm avoiding those other three things that would help . I'm avoiding sitting in stillness , practicing mindfulness , I'm avoiding meditating and journaling , and I'm okay . I probably am doing best with number three . I am giving myself compassion for being where I'm at and feeling what I'm feeling . If I were speaking to a friend of mine and I do have friends in similar places I would give them lots of love and compassion . I think I do deserve that as well , so doing a bit of a better job with that , but overall it's been kind of hard .
Speaker 1My husband and son were recently away . It was so fun for them . I was so happy for them . My son loves the football team , the Cincinnati Bengals , and we got him tickets to see the Bengals and Rams play at Cincinnati Stadium . My husband took him to Cincinnati Ohio . They had the best time . They were wandering around a couple of days before the game . They were there for four days , three nights and they happened upon a fair . They were walking through the fair and they saw my son's favorite player of all time , ocho Sinko . Actually he was at the stadium when they retired Ocho Sinko's number so amazing . At the fair they also saw Eli and Peyton Manning Like just literally happened upon this fair . They also went out and saw the University of Cincinnati . So I knew that they were having fun . That felt really good .
Speaker 1What felt super weird was that I was home completely by myself , except for the two dogs Now Snoopy , our two-year-old Westie . He works me pretty hard so , yeah , he didn't let me sit for any length of time . But well , unless he wanted to sit with me because that's how Westies are it was nice . I enjoyed that time by myself . But it was so weird I realized I have not been completely alone in the house overnight , probably ever . I went from living with my parents to having roommates at college , to having roommates after college , to living with my husband , getting married pretty quickly , having children , and although my husband travels here and there , I always had the kids . So it was weird , but it was also kind of nice .
Speaker 1There were times when I would catch myself enjoying myself and then I would feel a little guilty and then I would say to myself you've worked hard for this , you have earned it and you deserve it . And that became my mantra when I was eating my favorite cereal for dinner and not cooking and thinking , ooh , this is nice , I've got all this other time . I'm gonna put out my ball decorations , which I did . I'll post them on the Facebook group . And then I'd say you've worked hard for this , you've earned this , you deserve it . So I might continue that mantra . We'll see if that continues to serve me as I am by myself . And here's what else is fabulous .
Speaker 1I am so lucky that my children right now are healthy , are relatively happy , well-adjusted , they are able to go out there in the world and spread their wings and live independently , and that is an absolute joy for me . It's also true that we can have lots of different emotions hanging out , all living there in our hearts , in our bodies at the same time , so very much in a space of having a good amount of sadness , wanting to find more acceptance in the place I am in life right now , as a mom , I am able to bring my attention to some of those other things that I mentioned which bring me joy and gratitude , but also just giving myself that love and compassion , because it's hard , it's an adjustment and , as you'll hear in just a few minutes , I am not always a flexible thinker . I can't wait to talk to you more about flexible thinking . I think you'll relate . I know you'll have some kids in your life that you're going to say this kid in my life not always a flexible thinker , because some of us struggle with this more than others . So let's take a short break and then we'll get back . We'll talk about flexible thinking and I'll give you some great tips if there are inflexible thinkers in your life , and certainly if you are one of them as well . I love to connect with listeners and I'd love to hear from you . Please reach out , let me know what you're enjoying and let me know what types of interviews and topics you'd like me to cover in the future . You can find me on Instagram , at your ZenFriend pod , or email me at yourzenfrenpod at gmailcom . You can also join our private Facebook group by searching for your ZenFriend in groups on Facebook . Let's get back to our show . Welcome back .
Once upon a time oh about 15 , 16 , 17 years ago , something like that I worked for a group practice called Super Kids . If you live in the Fairfield County area , you might be familiar with that name . Big shout out to Nancy Widows and Barbara Cooper . They were the owners of this practice . They are phenomenal therapists , phenomenal human beings , and I had the pleasure of working there for a few years . This practice focused mainly on helping children with social skills , and we also helped children with managing and decreasing anxiety symptoms as well . I quickly learned in the work that I did here . Now we worked mainly with groups , so small groups of children . There were two group leaders . So for a while I was the newbie and was like the co -leader that kind of followed the lead of the other co-leader and I quickly discovered I can be an inflexible thinker Very much so I discovered that pretty quickly on . Now I'll say that I see typically in my practice as a therapist , two types of kids who have inflexible thinking . The same can be true of adults , as I shared . Count me , count me in this . I will be more in group two .
Speaker 1So group number one of the kids who I see having trouble with flexible thinking are kids who have trouble with social skills . Maybe they don't easily read social cues . They often know that they're making missteps . They realize that friends and peers are getting frustrated with them or leaving them out , but they often don't know why . They can be real negative nellies , as the old-fashioned expression goes . These kids can often really dig their heels in the sand and very much see the glass as half empty . Now group number two are kids who have anxiety . They typically are good with social cues and social skills . They're probably little empaths , so they're really connected and related to the people around them . But they maybe are tending to be people-pleasers or feel responsible for others' emotions . So maybe you're thinking about some kids in your life or maybe you're relating to one of these types of kids Now absolutely positively . There are other kids who have different things going on and other people , but these are just two kind of categories of kids that I often see .
Speaker 1So here are some examples of what inflexible thinking could look like . So , kids that have difficulty with transitions it's time to leave for school , but they were building Legos . Or it's time to leave for an activity after school they're building Legos . Or they're watching television and just one more minute , just one more minute . They're having a hard time putting that down and just easily getting into the car or getting onto the bus and moving to that next activity . Sometimes these kids are showing that they're having difficulty with flexibility by having really big emotions when things aren't turning out the way they expected them to . This could look like they're drawing a picture , but the picture that they've drawn doesn't look like how they imagined it in their head . Or it could look like they are constantly erasing their homework and trying to make it just perfect . Sometimes these kids have a really hard time making decisions . I talked about this a few weeks back as I talked about helping our children with anxiety symptoms right so that a lot of these kids with anxiety symptoms also have trouble with flexible thinking .
Speaker 1If you have a kid who is a pretty flexible thinker and doesn't tend to have a lot of anxiety symptoms , you take them to a toy store . They've got a gift card , they look around , they pick something out . They're happy , as can be A kid who tends to have less flexibility in their thinking . They get to the store . They don't have just what they hoped they would have . Maybe they'll get something else . They're not sure they really like this thing .
Speaker 1But the decision-making process is often really painful and there's often a fear of what if I make the wrong choice . So sometimes they pick something out and then they get home and then they're questioning their choice . Another example could be that you have plans to do something but it's snowing out and now you have to change your plans and the child is having a really hard time wrapping their head around , not doing the thing they expected to do , changing gears and doing the new thing . I have a hard time with that , very hard time with that . If I have a plan and my plan gets changed , I feel some big feelings . Just be honest , a lot of adults do . I think Some of these kids get really anxious if they are going to be late to an event or late to school . Or some get really anxious if they're too early and have to wait for an event . More often than not , I see kids struggling with being late , but it can be the opposite too .
Speaker 1Some of these inflexible thinkers really are very concrete thinkers , especially when they're kids who struggle with social skills . I see this a lot , so that people in their lives , like other kids in their lives , their friends or their enemies there's no middle ground . I'm thinking of a kid I worked with years ago . He was in high school . He described all the enemies on his imaginary enemy list and one of them was a kid who had wronged him , like took his glue or his markers or something . In kindergarten I worked with him to say , hmm , could this kid have changed ? Could we put him in a question mark category or like a middle ground category ? No , he had a really hard time doing that and was really not interested in doing that .
Speaker 1So of course , these are just some examples to give you an idea of what inflexible thinking can look like . But there , of course , are many , many more examples . So inflexible thinkers can really get stuck in negativity . They can hyper-focus on the negative aspect of a situation . If , as a parent , you try to help them see the positive side , help them to be more optimistic when they're really in a place of feeling negative , of really honing in on the negative side , good luck to you , my friend . They are not going there . It's probably gonna end in an argument .
Speaker 1Here's what I do like to teach kids , and I wanna give credit to a great book called what to Do when you Grumble Too Much . You can buy it on Amazon . This is by Don Huberner , h-u-e-b-n-e-r . I'll have it in the show notes . These ideas and kind of skills to teach your kids I find very helpful up to a point . So I'll explain that in just a bit .
Speaker 1So I'll teach kids about flexibility and inflexibility , and the way I do that is I'll say stand up , let's pretend you're jello , your whole body's jello . What is that like ? Right , we have some fun with that , we wiggle around , et cetera . Let's pretend your body is made out of sand , like we just do different things that our body can be made out of and have different degrees of flexibility . Then I'll say let's imagine that your body is made out of steel , cold hard metal . Okay , let's imagine you've got this body made out of steel . I want you to go and try to sit down in that chair . But does steel or metal move or bend ? No , it doesn't . How's that gonna work ? What's gonna happen if you try to sit down ? And we get really silly and have some fun with this .
Speaker 1Then we start talking about things that are more flexible , right ? Yeah , jello's super wiggly . How about like rubber ? Like if I used to have in my office this like long kind of rubber I don't know looked like a pen , but it was made out of rubber and it just was like a fidget . It would bend around . So I'd often show them that how about this ? What if you were made out of this substance ? Could you sit down ?
Speaker 1So then we talk about what it's like to have brain flexibility and what it's like to have an inflexible brain . So right now , kids are starting to get it . They can probably give you an example Once you start maybe giving them a couple of examples of what it can look like to have an inflexible brain . I like to use myself as an example , right , because that normalizes it . It doesn't make it feel like , ooh , you're inflexible , we have to fix you . So I'll tell them how I don't like it when plans change and I'll give them an example of when my plans changed and how it felt uncomfortable .
Speaker 1So then we talk about hurdles . Now a lot of young kids have never seen hurdles , so we'll look up pictures on the internet . If you are an 80s girl like myself , you might have had the pleasure of jumping hurdles in gym class . Never ended well for me , always ended with bloody knees . But kids get it . They've usually seen field and track . Once you show them , they know what a hurdle is . And now I'm just really going over all of this quickly . So this isn't the 14 hour podcast .
Speaker 1But with hurdles we talk about how they are , things that get in our way . And then I'll ask the kid if you saw this in your way , what would you do ? And there's so many right answers you could crawl under it , you could jump over it , you could just walk around it , right . And then we talk about how we have hurdles in our lives . So for me , a hurdle happens when the plans change . I don't like it , I feel annoyed , I feel uncomfortable , my body might feel tense , but I have to figure out how to get past that hurdle . And in the book we talk about the ways to do this , which are number one notice the hurdle . So first you have to identify it as a problem For me . Yep , the problem is my plans have changed out of my control , can't control it sometimes and I'm having a hard time with it . Number two we have to figure out how to jump it .
Speaker 1So in that instance , let's imagine that oh , this is a true story so sad . I had plans to go with my best friend to a Christmas and holiday festival and we do this every year and it's my favorite day of the year but it was a terrible snowy day and the festival was canceled . Ugh , I felt so sad . So the hurdle is I feel sad , I feel angry that my plans are canceled . How do I get past it ? First I notice it , then I come up with a plan . Okay , my friend and I made plans for a different Saturday and this is actually a true story I know , so fascinating . We made plans for a Saturday when both of our daughters would be home my dear friend Tara , our Zen friend , friend to the pad , and our daughters Lena and Grace would be home and we were able to all go out together . Ooh well , I'm still a little sad that I'm missing out today , but now I have this to look forward to . Okay , essentially , I've jumped the hurdle , I've moved past all of my negative feelings and maybe expressing my dissatisfaction with them , and I've moved on . To all right , I have a plan B , okay . So this is actually a lot of information that I've just given you .
Speaker 1Here's what I will say few things . Number one don't try to do this all in one day . If I'm working with a kid , we probably will just have one session where we talk about flexibility versus inflexibility , what brain flexibility looks like and the many ways that people get stuck . That's it . Then , the next time I meet with them , we'll talk about hurdles and how those are actually a good metaphor for the things that get in our way in life , and maybe we'll draw a picture of a time that something got in our way and we found a solution and jumped the hurdle . Now I'm gonna spend a few sessions with that , really working on ways to jump hurdles , noticing examples .
Speaker 1Kids get this pretty quickly to some degree , but when they're kids that really tend to get stuck , it's hard for them to start noticing it . And also just to remember kids' brains work differently than adults , so they aren't always able to step back and notice what's happening . Right , they're in the moment . They're like this is the way it is . I am so angry because my brother took the last cookie and you said I could have that for dessert . So it's gonna take practice and always support from parents . One way that parents can help in a big way is to notice when kids are doing this . Give them credit . Oh , my goodness , your little sister wanted to watch that show that you . I know you say that's for little kids , but you watched it with her anyway and then asked to take a turn . Good job , jumping that hurdle . So catch them when they are able to do this .
Speaker 1When there are moments that they are really , really upset , I would probably say something to them like ooh , this seems like a big hurdle , but I wouldn't ask them to figure it out in the middle of them feeling all their feelings , I would acknowledge it Ooh , this looks like a big hurdle . Let them feel their feelings . It's okay to be angry . It's okay to be disappointed . It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling , as long as you're not hurting anyone else , you're not hurting yourself , you're not destroying property . Right , I can do another episode on how to redirect kids to doing things where they're making good choices , when they're feeling big feelings , I would just validate them . I know , I know this is disappointing . This is a really big hurdle . Then , when they calm down , you can ask them have you figured out a way to jump this hurdle ? Is there a way to jump this hurdle ? Oof , this is a tough one . Or very often , as they calm down , they've already come up with a solution .
So imagine that little Janie is having a temper tantrum because she was making some kind of artistic creation and it didn't turn out the way she wanted . So she is melting down and you're saying oh , janie , I know , I know so frustrating when that happens . It's okay to feel your feelings . And then she comes to you . Maybe 10 minutes later . She's probably gonna say something like oh , mom , do you think I could have some new paper ? I think I wanna try making something else . I would prease the poop out of her . Yes , janie , oh , you jumped that hurdle . Good job , you decided you would make a new creation . What flexible thinking .
Speaker 1Now , as adults , we can also get stuck , as I am sharing . Right , how do we as adults jump hurdles or how do we support our teenagers in jumping hurdles ? Well , I think for us as adults , it goes back to what I talked about at the beginning of this episode . I have a hurdle right now and my hurdle is finding acceptance where I am in life right now . As a parent . That's the hurdle . I actually have already figured out how I need to jump it . I just need to do the jumping part and I'm not ready to jump it yet , so I'm just gonna give myself some love and compassion and know that I will get there when the time is right .
Speaker 1I think in a similar way for our kids that are older , that are teenagers , we can notice that it's a hurdle . We're probably not gonna use language like that for them or with them . I mean we could . We could say , woo , this is a hurdle , and maybe share with them . I like to think of hurdles as things that get in my way in life and I know that I have to figure out a way to get past it .
Speaker 1Teenagers sometimes will like metaphors Also . I think it just depends on their mood . You probably don't wanna have that conversation when they're having really , really big feelings . But even just pointing out to them this seems like a really big challenge . That might be a better way to approach it , but you'll know your teen and how to talk to them , what language to use . Wow , this seems like a really big challenge , John . How do you think you'll solve this ? Do you have any ideas ? And when they do come up with a solution , give them credit in that similar way you would give it to a young child , just saying like wow , you really showed flexible thinking and problem solving in figuring that out Awesome job .
Speaker 1Sometimes we can really get stuck , and here's another great time to share . Hey , I got stuck recently . Here's how I got stuck and model to them that this is just a part of life . Now , what I was alluding to earlier is I think we can make great progress with changing our thinking , with becoming more flexible thinkers . Right , we know that the brain has the ability for neuroplasticity and we can learn to do things differently . And the more we do things differently , the easier it gets to change how we're approaching things or change the way we're thinking as an adult , if you're having awareness that you are being more of a pessimist and being more inflexible because inflexible thinkers often really always tend to hone in on the negative more . They tend to be more pessimistic . If you're identifying with this as an adult , good news . There are many ways to change the way you're thinking . But if you're identifying that you have a child who is a real negative thinker , your child will most likely not be as interested in becoming more optimistic . What is the buy-in for them ? It just depends . We all define ourselves in our own family unit and sometimes that's how a child is defining themselves as negative .
Speaker 1When I'm working with a child , I really am not trying to make them become more pessimistic I'm sorry , more optimistic , unless that's their goal . Instead , I'm just helping them get past the challenges in their lives . I have to say that in my many years of doing this work , I have never seen a child go really from someone who tends to focus on the negative to make a complete switch to someone who focuses on the positive much more readily . But what I have seen is that kids are better able to identify challenges and figure out ways to get past them , but many of them really all of them do still have a tendency to be more negative . I think some of that might just be our nature . I've not yet had a kid who I worked with as a young child and then as a full grown adult who maybe wants to change their behavior . I think that's different and I think all things are possible . I have seen kids go from less negative thinkers to more positive thinkers or to where they can jump those hurdles much more quickly and they don't get stuck as often . So I think that's really good news . But just be aware , as parents , when we impose something on our kids like you're a real negative thinker , I want to make you a positive thinker , it doesn't really work so well in my experience . Maybe you'll talk to other therapists who feel differently . Also one word of warning With jumping hurdles there can be a tendency to really want kids to kind of get over it .
Speaker 1You know little Janie's having a temper tantrum and you just want her to kind of knock it off , be happy . You want your home to be peaceful , without someone crying and carrying on . I totally get that and I can totally relate to it . I think you want to give the message of Janie . I know this is hard . It's okay to feel your feelings . You'll figure out how to jump that hurdle when the time is right ? No , mom , I won't . Okay , that's okay . I'm here if you want to talk to me later . I'm here whenever you're ready to talk
to me .
Speaker 1We always want to validate our children's feelings . That is such a beautiful gift you can give your children to let them know that their feelings are valid always and that they can handle feeling them . They're not going to last forever , even when it seems like it . Your kid is going to be able to come around to the other side , I promise . I hope this episode was helpful . I hope it gives you some ideas on how maybe you can become a more flexible thinker and how you can support your children in flexible thinking as well . A great big thing to do is to send a great big thank you to Suzanne for editing this podcast and making it sound fantastic . Until next time , friend , I hope you'll take some time today and every day to do something kind for yourself .