As a therapist who specializes in working with children and teens, I see how parents often struggle to figure out the best way to help their children and teens to do well in school. On today's your Zen Friend episode, I will tell you what to do as parents looking to support your children and what not to do to really help your children build the foundations for learning that they need from grade school through high school and then into college or into a career. So stay tuned. Welcome, zen Friend. I hope, wherever you are, you are doing well. We have had a gorgeous day on this Saturday that I'm recording here in New England. It smells like fall, it looks like fall, but it felt like summertime. It was 80 degrees warm, so sunny and delightful. And, in true New England fashion, tomorrow will be a high of 50, so 30 degrees colder. That should really feel chilly. On today's episode, I am looking forward to speaking to you about how you can help support your child as a learner.
Speaker 1When this episode airs, kids have generally been in school for about three months, so the school year is well underway. If your child's school has quarters, the first quarter should have already wrapped up and they should be on their way into the second quarter when I was in school in grade school, middle school, high school so this is back in the 1970s and 80s. I was not a fantastic student by any means. I especially struggled in certain subjects like math and science. In high school I had a learning disability that was not diagnosed until college. I will do an episode on learning disability, or learning differences as they are often called, now in the future. So today's episode is really going to be geared more towards your neurotypical child, but I will talk a little bit about when your child is struggling as well. As a parent of a now 18 year old and 20 year old still can't believe it I have definitely made some of my own mistakes along the way and how I supported my children's learning, but I have also done some things right. I am giving myself credit for that and I credit also my clients who, I think, helped me tremendously in learning what is helpful and what is counterproductive in parenting your children and supporting them in being successful learners in school, because I worked as a therapist with children in teens, so that I've often been working with kids that were older than my own children and I was able to help support those parents in helping their own kids, and that taught me a lot along the way, so I'm so grateful for that. On today's episode, I'm going to give you five tips for how you can support your children's learning, and you'll probably notice that for every do there is also a don't.
Speaker 1When your child graduates high school, you'll probably either want them to be able to hold a job and be successful in that job, or you will want your child to be able to be successful at attending college, which means for either situation a lot of independence. Often when kids go to school, when they go to college, they're very often living on their own. So unless your young adult continues to live at home and isn't working, they will have brand new responsibilities when they leave high school. They will have a lot to navigate, and they need to be able to do that with only a little bit of help and support from you in order to really be successful and fly like little birds from their nest. So really, I think it's about parents starting to get their children ready for this transition in high school, and I'm even going to propose that best bet is to start to help your child to be independent very gradually, beginning at a young age. That's when you're going to build some foundations for having them start to take care of themselves and know how to be responsible, and that will serve them. And if you are able to give them some independence and responsibility at a young age and then continue to do that as they get older, giving them a little more at a time, they are so much more likely to be able to make that transition to college or transition into the workforce in a way that's successful. So much good stuff to get into today, including some stories of challenges I have faced with my own kids, as well as some challenges I have seen other parents face. So let's take a short break and we will get into how you can support your child in school. Welcome back. All right, let's get right into it.
Speaker 1Tip number one starting in grade school, let your child be responsible for doing their own homework. I know some of you are already saying wait, lauren, but not my kid. My kid can't do that. But hear me out, I know this can be really really hard, but having your own kid own their schoolwork, including homework, is going to be so helpful later on and the stakes are pretty low in grade school and even middle school and we'll talk more about that so that this is when they need to start learning to manage their work, to keep track of their work, to complete their work on time and to hand it in on time.
Speaker 1Now is it okay to ask your child do you have homework? Yes, of course, and if your child has been known to fib or lie about having homework, then it's also okay at a young age to check Google Classroom and make sure that they are telling you the truth, right? But not all parents actually need to do this. Many kids are motivated to do well at a young age. So let's assume to start, that you've got one of those kids that doesn't want to quote unquote get in trouble at school. They don't want to disappoint their teacher, so they're not going to want to go into school and not have their homework completed. Now I'll talk about what parents can do to foster their children doing homework on their own or just with a little support more in tip number two.
Speaker 1But first I want to say this by the time your child gets into middle school, it is especially important that they are working independently and getting their work done, getting it done on time and again, handing it in. I once worked with a teenager who would complete his schoolwork and just not handed in. He struggled with executive functioning, skills of organization and really kind of focusing and paying attention, and he would forget to hand it in. So you need to be able to, of course, not just complete it but get it into the teacher super important. So let's think of middle school really as practice for our children. In high school. Again, the stakes are much lower. I often tell kids I have never heard of an instance where an adult was asked for their middle school transcript. Please let me know if anyone has ever asked you for this. Probably the highlight of my middle school report card any of my middle school report cards is that I took constructive criticism. Well, other than that, I wasn't doing anything in a stellar way and there's nothing that I'd want to be bragging about with my middle school report card. So let me tell you a story to illustrate how middle school is great practice for high school.
Speaker 1Once upon a time I had a lovely client let's call her Jeannie and Jeannie was a sweet kid, a rule follower for the most part, but Jeannie really felt that middle school didn't matter. The middle school that Jeannie went to at the time did not give grades. They had like it was a little bit different than pass or fail, but it wasn't your standard ABCDFs. So Jeannie was like it doesn't really matter and I'm not really motivated to do well. So of course Jeannie's parents wanted Jeannie to do well and were concerned that if she didn't start applying herself in middle school more, that she wasn't going to do well in high school. That could affect her chances at college. She was most likely a college bound kid and so that was one thing they asked me to work on with Jeannie. But here's what's tricky, and this often happens in counseling the parents goal counseling goal for Jeannie was not Jeannie's counseling goal.
Speaker 1Jeannie was actually quite happy and satisfied with where she was at. She was completing her work for the most part. She would get behind here and there but she would get her work in and she was totally passing her classes. But she was a much more capable student than how she was applying herself. Jeannie assured me that in high school she would care, she would be invested and she would work hard on her grades. But again she felt she really had no buy-in because she didn't have a grading system and so I did my best to get buy-in from Jeannie to maybe give it a little bit more or at least apply herself in a way of making it a priority to learn. In some classes Jeannie did this and others she did not, and we eventually came up with what we called I mean, it's not really a curse, but warning for little listeners we called it the half-ass middle school plan, and the half-ass middle school plan really was that Jeannie would do her homework, she would complete it on time, she would look over her material for tests and quizzes at least a little bit, but that she was not going to get A's. That she. And again, there was no grading system, that she would essentially pass her classes. That was what she agreed to. We worked with the parents on accepting this and I'll tell you something that actually did surprise me a little bit. When Jeannie went to high school, guess what? She was a great student. She totally did apply herself, just like she said she would. So that is a happy ending to the half-ass middle school plan.
Speaker 1Sometimes middle school does have midterms and finals. Again, I think this is really practice for high school, others don't. It just depends on the school that your children go to. If they do have midterms or finals, typically it doesn't mean a whole lot. It might be something that helps to assign them to classes in high school, whether they're in college-level classes or honors-level classes or, say, like an advanced math placement. So sometimes that is the case and of course there is some material that the kids are learning, like math that builds upon each other. So it is important that children get a deep learning and understanding so that they can go on in high school in that correct placement.
Speaker 1So I don't want to say that middle school doesn't matter at all, but I do want to say this with both grade school and middle school the stakes are low. They are so much lower than high school. The stakes are lower in the way that this is a fantastic time, for if your kids are not putting in there all, let them have natural consequences. So a natural consequence is your child doesn't hand in an assignment, the teacher asks them to stay after class. Or the child doesn't hand in the assignment and the teacher explains to them that they have to make it up and why it's important, or maybe they get a zero for it. But they have to have a conversation with the teacher and for many children that is enough to get them to focus in on what they have to do and not hand in an assignment on time again. I see parents time and time and time again rescue the kids from ever having this happen. They do it by checking Google Classroom or looking at wherever it is that they can find their children's assignments, and they do it by sometimes even going as far as doing the work or the project for them.
Speaker 1Do not do this. Your child is not going to learn and I have seen instances where kids go to college. They can't navigate going to class, getting things done, they can't navigate the things that they need to and the responsibility necessary to make it and to graduate, and they end up coming home and they feel like a failure and it can be a very challenging time to figure out next steps. So let your child fail. Let your child go to school without the thing they need. Most kids will learn If it's a situation where your kid is not neurotypical, if they have an ADHD diagnosis or a learning disability or learning difference again, we can talk about this at another time. But even in those instances, they will need some more support from you. They should hopefully be getting support at the school level and even still, you want that support to be teaching them skills so that eventually they still in most cases I know not all cases, but in most cases they still have ownership and they are still the ones that own the responsibility of getting their homework assignments in and studying and the ability to want to do as well as they are able to.
Speaker 1So I'll tell you a story. When one of my children he or she shall remain nameless was in second grade, they were assigned to make I believe it's called a diorama. It's like a shoebox and they make a picture, and I can't remember why or what this had to do with, but they were making a diorama in a shoebox. That was, I think it was like a dolphin and like a sea scene, a scene from the sea, and this child was taken to Michaels to get the supplies that they needed and this child completed the assignment by themselves in probably about 10 minutes. And I realized, of course, that when they went to school, many of the other children were going to have dioramas that parents helped them with quite a bit, and I was not helping because I, again, I think there's so much more value in children learning to do these assignments than me learning to be a better artist in this case. So I said to my kid when they said they were done. I looked at it and I said you know, it looked like you did that pretty quickly. A lot of the kids tomorrow will probably have very fancy projects that they worked on a long time, and many of them might have even had parents do some of the work. So are you comfortable with what yours looks like? Is that what you want to hand in? And my child said yes and I said okay.
Speaker 1So when my child got off the bus the next day, they were quite upset and told me about the amazing dioramas that had come into class and were in absolute tears. And so I said well, here's what we can do. We can either know for next time that you want to spend more time on it, or we can reach out to your teacher and see if your teacher will allow you to bring it home and work on it a little more. What do you want to do? And so they said they wanted to work on it more and I emailed the teacher and the teacher was super understanding. Now, if this was an older child. Again, this was a kid in the beginning of second grade. If this was an older child, I would have had that child talk to the teacher or email the teacher themselves, but this was a seven year old. So the child brought it home, we talked through what to change. They made the changes, brought it back to school and were much happier with it. So that's an example of a natural consequence. Was there a part of me that felt nauseous and tense when they went to school, realizing that they might feel embarrassment for the diorama that they just did very quickly, totally, but it also was such a good opportunity, again with really low stakes. They had a super kind teacher and it was a great learning lesson.
Speaker 1All right, so let's go to tip number two. Show your children with your actions that you value education and their learning is important. Now, one of the first ways that you can start to do this goes back to their homework structure, homework time. So while I don't want you doing their homework, what I want you to do is structure it. So here's what I mean by that. If your child comes home right after school and you're home after school with them, you could let them have a snack, give them a little free time. I would encourage you to not start any kind of media any iPads or video games or television because it's hard to unplug from that and focus on school work. But play outside, have some creative play, do an art project, go for a walk, get some movement, something else and then let them know when it's homework time. Right, you might say, okay, you get home at four o'clock, so from four to five is free playtime, from five to five thirty. Hopefully a young child is not doing more than that. It's homework time, and maybe you structure it in a way that they're sitting at the kitchen table.
Speaker 1We often did this and I was making dinner, so I was there, I was available for questions. I let them know school was a priority because this was time to do homework, but I was not doing the homework for them. There was a time when one of my kids really struggled and actually had an IEP, which is where they were in the special education program and got support, and with the struggle they were having academically and this was, I'm thinking, like third grade in particular became really hard with the writing demands that had increased. I would sit with this child at the table and help them to get started, and if they needed help, I helped, and otherwise I would just sit and be there with them, maybe reading my own book or maybe just sitting quietly. So you're there, you're available to help, but you're not doing the work for them, and that's an example. Of course, if you're a stay at home parent or your home early, you can structure this any way that works for you and your family, alright.
Speaker 1So, moving on to tip number three, reach out for help if your child needs it, and this goes for anything in school. If your child's having test taking anxiety, maybe reach out to the guidance counselor. If your child is really lost in a particular subject, contact the teacher or, again, your child's guidance counselor. I can't guarantee that your child will get support, but they might, and you will also better understand what resources are available. Sometimes parents think that if their child has a learning disability or a particular challenge in school that would need to be supported, they will hear from the school. Sometimes that's the case. It's not always the case.
Speaker 1So, as the parent, what you're looking for is is your child having a really hard time with something? Are they coming to tears with a particular subject or maybe just about everything. Is it a total battle to get them to do homework? Do you go to the school conference and the teacher tells you they're not quite meeting benchmark, or does it look like maybe they're behind where the other children are? It can be helpful to ask the teacher. Okay, so the teacher is telling you this is your child, their average in a particular test score. You could ask them what is the average for the school or for the grade to give you a better understanding of where that child is. If you think your child's really struggling, and especially if you've got maybe someone with dyslexia or ADHD in the family, then it might be helpful to ask for testing at the school or speak to a professional that can maybe guide you and get you to private testing. If you have the means for that, you can, of course, start with tutoring. There are also parent educators out there or, I'm sorry, parent advocates who can help navigate with you through that testing process at the school. So I don't want to get too off topic, but if your child is struggling, look for support, ask around, ask other parents, contact your school.
Speaker 1I truly believe that kids are doing the best that they can. When I hear a teacher say that someone's not working to their best ability. That makes me wonder could there be a learning difference? Do they have ADHD? Or sometimes there's a stressor going on at home? I, in my opinion, I don't ever think there's a child who just doesn't feel like it and just isn't working hard. There's always something else going on. I'll be curious to hear from you all, especially teachers out there, and see what you think. But that's my experience. I'm thinking of a neighbor whose teacher kept saying the kid wasn't working to their best ability and then, yep, it turns out the kid had a learning disability. That is so often the case.
All right, so moving on to tip number four, know the type of student your kid is and accept it. You're like what? What are you talking about, lauren? Well, going back to the half-ass middle school plan, that kid was not going to work harder. I couldn't get her to work harder, her parents couldn't get her to work harder. It just wasn't going to happen. And the connection between this child and her parents was starting to suffer because they were continually on her, asking her about school, punishing her if she wasn't doing the school work she was supposed to be doing or the school work that was due. We really needed to find Byron from that kid and the Byron when she decided she would do whatever she had to do to pass her classes and get her work in. That was better than what she was doing. So and she did it right. That Byron is so important. She did do it. Once we came up with that plan, the parents were able to accept this. The connection stayed intact.
Speaker 1I'm going to tell you another story to illustrate this. Many years ago I had a wonderful high schooler We'll call this high schooler Roy and Roy loved to get his homework done in his study hall I think now it's usually called learning lab. So I'll call it learning lab. And I would meet with Roy and Roy would be so happy to tell me oh, I got all my work done today. I don't have any work this afternoon. Roy played a sport and was athletic and loved to play that sport.
Speaker 1Well, roy's mom would come in and meet with me and tell me how her friend's children spent many hours into the night studying and working on schoolwork and how she just didn't understand why Roy was never doing schoolwork at home. And here was the thing Roy was never doing schoolwork because Roy lived forgetting schoolwork done at school. That was Roy's like. His goal of the day was let me finish this work in my learning lab. And so again, there was all this friction between Roy and his mom, because his mom wanted him to be the same type of student that apparently her friends' kids were, which were students in honors and AP classes, who were up till 1 am in the morning and stressing over schoolwork. Roy was not stressed over schoolwork, which actually was kind of great, because Roy had a lot of anxiety and had some OCD. So I think it would have been a recipe for disaster if Roy was also driving himself to perfection with school.
Speaker 1Now I'm happy to tell you this is where it's great to be in my profession as long as I have been. Roy got into a good college, graduated, has a job, has a significant other. Sounds like Roy is living his best life. I spoke to one of the parents who filled me in recently. I haven't spoken to Roy in a long time, but sounds like Roy did just fine.
Speaker 1So if you have a student who's maybe like Roy and getting their work done and doing okay, but just isn't driven to be competitive with the rest of the kids and stay up till all hours of the night and take the most competitive classes that Roy can take or that your kid can take. Rather, could that be okay. I think there's so much pressure on our kids, and with parents too. There's like just this pressure like everyone's gonna be getting into an Ivy League school, but not everyone is. There is, I truly believe, a place for everyone. So maybe we can just accept our kids with where they're at, help them to be successful by setting the stage for it, letting them know at an early age that their learning and education is important, and just knowing when we can change things and when it's not up to us, when it's truly up to our kids.
Speaker 1Okay, one final tip, tip number five have your child be responsible for getting themself up in the morning, up and out of bed. Why, oh why, would this be helpful? Well, because I can't tell you the amount of college freshmen I've worked with who are sleeping through class, who are having a difficult time getting up and out and getting to class. This can be a real problem if you have a kid who stinks at getting up and out of bed in the morning and you're used to going in there four or five times before they finally get out, grab a granola bar and race to the bus stop. Your kid needs that ability to get themself up out of bed. That's really important.
Speaker 1So that can start at an early age with an old fashioned alarm clock. That can start by talking to your kid about how this is important and you want them to learn this skill. That could start with setting up a reward system for every morning that they get up and out of bed by a certain time. Maybe they get 15 extra minutes of media or they get to play a game with you after dinner or whatever their currency is. You can make it fun and playful and help them learn that skill.
Speaker 1My son is 18 years old. He gets himself up, he gets himself out. I am sometimes not even downstairs by the time he has left for school. This is going to serve him when he goes to college. So start that as early as possible. Make it fun. You can make it a game or you can go back to. What should the consequences be if this isn't happening? But if you can start this at a young age and make it fun and playful, I think that's a much nicer way to keep that connection. So I hope that you found these tips helpful.
Speaker 1I'll do a really fast recap. Tip number one starting in grade school, let your child be responsible for doing their own homework. Tip number two show them with your actions that you value an education and their learning is important to you. Tip number three reach out for help if your child needs it or is struggling. Tip number four know the type of student your kid is and accept it, embrace it. Tip number five have your child be responsible for getting themselves up and out of bed each morning.
Speaker 1I am so curious to hear from you, especially if you are a teacher or work in education, or maybe you're a parent who's really having a challenge right now with your kid. Reach out and connect with me. One great way to do that is our private Facebook page. You can find it by searching for your Zen friend in groups on Facebook. You can also email me at your Zen friend pod, at gmailcom, or find me on Instagram at your Zen friend pod.
Speaker 1A great big thank you to our amazing editor, suzanne. Thank you, suzanne, for making this podcast sound fantastic and saving my sanity. Love that I no longer have to edit it myself. Next week I have a wonderful guest who is a college and career counselor, so we'll keep that theme of supporting our children in education. She's going to give us some fantastic tips for how we can help support our kids in or on their path after high school, whether that be college or a career. So I hope you'll tune in to that until next time, friend. I hope you'll take some time today and every day to do that, every day to do something kind for yourself.