There's a lot parents can do to help support their children in having strong social skills . If you have a child who is having difficulties making or keeping friends , the good news is social skills can be learned and improved . On today's episode , I'll tell you a little bit about what healthy social skills look like , as well as how I assess if a child or teen is having difficulty with their social connections . I'll also give you some tips and strategies for how you can support your child if they are having difficulty making and keeping friends . Welcome to your Zen Friend . I'm your host , lauren Wolfe . On this podcast , I will share wisdom from working as a licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years . Using storytelling and lighthearted humor , each episode will explore themes on personal growth , including tips and strategies to boost mental wellness and overall well-being . If you're a perfectly imperfect human like me , who's always striving to do better and feel better than this podcast is for you , let's get started . Welcome , zen Friend . I hope , wherever you are , you are doing well and I hope you are practicing a little extra self-care . As the hustle and the bustle of the holiday seasons have begun , I will have episodes that are holiday related coming up , but for today , I will be talking to you about social skills and how to support your children and nurture their social skills throughout their childhood . I hope that this is something that will be helpful to you . It is something that I'm often working with with children and teens here at my private practice , where I work as a therapist , and I think that if you do not have experience as either a therapist or maybe a speech pathologist or someone who works with children on social skills , it can feel really daunting to break down what social skills look like , what's developmentally appropriate and how to help support your children in having good social skills and , most importantly , making good , healthy social connections , aka friendships . So I'm happy to be talking to you on this topic today and I hope that you will find it helpful . I'd love to hear from you .
Speaker 1We have a thriving Facebook group . If you haven't joined it , then check it out . You can just go to Facebook and , in groups , search for your Zen friend . There is also a link in every show note . That is for each podcast . Each podcast has a show note . You can just find it by looking at the podcast that you're currently listening to . Usually , you just kind of scroll down a little bit and it should be right there , whether you're listening on Apple or Spotify or wherever you find your podcasts . You can also connect with me by sending me an email If you have any questions or comments . I'd love to hear from you there , and you can go ahead and reach me at yoursenfriendpod at gmailcom . So two great ways to reach out . I love to hear from listeners . Just take a short break and then we'll get to our episode on supporting and nurturing your children's social skills .
Speaker 1Hey there , parents , if you are a parent of a teenager , then there's a podcast you have to listen to . It's called College and Career Ready Podcast and it's hosted by my friend , sonia Casique . It is the ultimate resource for parents looking to empower their teams with the knowledge and skills they need for career and college readiness . This podcast is packed with expert interviews , insightful discussions and practical advice that will help you navigate the challenges of preparing your teen through their college and or career journey . Trust me , it is so overwhelming as a parent when you have a teenager and you begin to think about what is needed to figure out the steps after high school . She breaks it down into podcast episodes that give you just enough information to absorb . She has a warm and friendly way about her . That is totally reassuring and takes a lot of the stress out of what can be a pretty stressful process . So go to Apple Podcast or Spotify or wherever you find your podcast and follow College and Career Ready Podcast . You'll be so glad that you did . Welcome back .
Speaker 1Let's start by defining social skills . Social skills this term really refers to the skills that we use to communicate with one another , and this , of course , includes verbal as well as nonverbal communication . So the language that we use , what we say , as well as our posture , our body language do we look as if we're listening to another individual ? If you imagine what that looks like a listening body as opposed to a non-listening body , if you have a teenager , you know what a non-listening body looks like right , probably arms crossed , head down , maybe looking at a phone as opposed to looking at the person with more hopefully relaxed , not hostile , body language . Social competency refers to the ability to get along with others . So this is what I will be talking about today , and social competency is skill-based or learned , and it can be practiced and improved .
I like to think of social skills just as if I'm thinking about or , I guess , compare them to subjects at school . Very often a person has an aptitude towards something . So for me , I had an aptitude towards reading , towards literacy , towards your typical , like what we called English class back in the day , where you would read and interpret , interpret information , make predictions . Grammar wasn't always my strong point , but I was probably like a B student in grammar . Like again , I had an aptitude towards that . However , for my math and science skills , I really struggled quite a bit with those .
Speaker 1So I think you'll find for many kids in particular , it's similar . Just like some kids or even adults for that matter are good at certain subjects and they come pretty easily to them , there are others that are harder . For some kids , social skills come very easily to them , they easily learn social skills . They are picking them up by watching their parents , by watching the people around them . For other children , they really struggle , even though they might live in the same environment . You might have children where one child is really socially adapt and connected and just easily and readily picks up social skills and is appropriate most of the time , and another child really struggles .
Speaker 1I think that we have an aptitude for social skills and for some individuals it's really challenging . They just don't easily pick up on it . So they need help , they need support , they need to be taught . If you think of an individual with an autism diagnosis , they do not easily pick up on social skills . They might have difficulty reading facial cues , reading body language , understanding the different tones of voice a person uses . So , for them , they can learn social skills . They can learn to really kind of fit into society and learn the skills that are needed to connect and make and keep friendships and work on a team and interact in a successful way with other individuals . But it's something that they need help and support with .
Speaker 1Why do social skills matter ? Well , social skills matter because , just like I was talking about making and keeping friendships , working on a team , it allows individuals to communicate , to connect , to relate and to work with others . It's really necessary for forming and maintaining friendships . It's necessary for keeping a healthy connection with family members as we get older and move out on our own . Social skills matter because social skills are what help us to connect with one another . You've probably heard that expression it's not what you know , it's who you know . So if you think about that being , I find or have founded my life often really true that you can get job opportunities or other opportunities in life by the connections that you have and the people that you know . And how do we make and keep those connections ? Well , we do that through our social skills , of course , and for individuals that struggle doing that , they can have trouble at jobs , they can have trouble working effectively with other people .
Speaker 1Social skills are so important . Social skills are also important because we know from research that individuals that are connected , that have healthy relationships with others friendships , family relationships , maybe a partner are much happier in life . People who are lonely can really struggle . We found that in the pandemic Many individuals who lived by themselves had a very hard time being in isolation . There were studies put out some years ago that talked about loneliness as being as impactful in a negative way on someone's health as smoking cigarettes on a regular basis . I since have read where those studies weren't completely accurate , but there definitely have been studies done . I'm thinking of one , for instance , that showed the positive outcome where women who had a breast cancer diagnosis had a better outcome when they had a strong network of support . So we know it's so important that we have good , healthy social connections . Belonging is important . Individuals look to belong and to connect with one another . So if we want to talk a little bit about social development of course I find it fascinating in my field . So I just want to quickly go through some social development for children .
Speaker 1If you think of toddlers , toddlers are learning to share , they're learning to express their feelings , they are learning to communicate what they want , and you've probably heard this that they engage in parallel play . Well , what does that mean ? That just means that they are playing near each other more than really having give and take interactions . I'm thinking of my friend's little cutie pie daughter who is two and she goes to a little toddler program and she's shared some really cute pictures with me where her daughter is playing near other children . So they're all playing in this one particular photo , with what looks to be like a play kitchen . They're probably mostly doing their own thing . There might be a little give and take , but they are seeking to be close to one another . Often , when children are around age four , they better understand taking turns and cooperation . And then , when children are around age five , they really start to enjoy playing with one another and they often can really cooperate pretty well . They've gotten better at sharing . They can very often take turns . They will incorporate each other's ideas very often into play and this is also where you'll see that they really engage in a lot of creative play .
Speaker 1Really around ages five and six , children want to play with others . They look to be with others often more than they look to be on their own . So , just thinking back to my children when they were in preschool , there were certain kids that they really liked . So I'm saying preschool , but probably more around age five . Our preschool that they attended was mixed ages it was preschool and kindergarten but they had certain kids that they really liked that they wanted to have play dates with that they gravitated towards . At school they would be engaged in purposeful play and creative play where there was lots of interacting and give and take . Also , around age six , children can resolve conflict with usually the help of an adult . Sometimes they can do it on their own , but they often are really telling on one another at that age and getting help from adults .
Speaker 1For me , when I am meeting with a child in counseling whether they are coming to me for social skills challenges like sometimes parents call and right off the bat they say here's what's happening , my child's having a hard time making and keeping friends . Other times they might be coming to me more for anxiety symptoms or maybe depression symptoms or having difficulty focusing , maybe having some hyperactivity , where the parents suspect maybe there's some attention deficit hyperactivity going on there right , just having trouble focusing and staying on task . Whatever it might be that the child comes to me for maybe trauma , maybe grief I'm also asking questions to assess how they do socially . The very first question that I'm going to ask a parent , of course , is does your child have friends ? And from there I'm going to ask some more specific questions . For instance , I'm going to ask are your child's friends appropriate ones ? Tell me about your child's friends . Are they around the same age ?
Speaker 1Sometimes , when children are having trouble with social skills , they will befriend the class behavioral issue I hate to call a child that , but they'll befriend the kid in class who's getting in trouble , who's maybe acting out and trying to be funny but not doing it at appropriate times , and sometimes they'll even start mimicking that child . Other times they might have friends that are all a good few years or more younger than them , because they can really boss them around and be in charge if they're having difficulties with things like compromising or doing things and activities , like playing games , that they're not really interested in . It's a lot easier when the children are younger , because again they can really be in charge . I'll also ask a parent does your child get in other people's space ? Are they talking too closely to people or are they touching kids or just sitting too close to them or touching their things without asking ?
I'll ask if their child seeks out other children . I'll especially ask this if the parent has told me that they don't really have friends or they don't keep friends . Maybe they are answering questions in a way that is leading me to believe their child is having some challenges with social skills . So now I'm asking is your child seeking out other children ? Does your child prefer to be alone ? Or does your child look to connect with other kids and then tell you how the other kids are being mean and how they're not including them ? They might be misunderstanding that they are making some social mistakes and just aren't aware of it . I'll also ask is your child an accurate reporter ? So this is where your child might be telling a story to your partner or someone else in the family and you're saying whoa , wait a second , that's not what happened .
Speaker 1Sometimes children , when they are having difficulties with social skills or often even their perceptions are not accurate . They feel like things are just happening in a different way than they actually are . I'll give you a , for instance , a child I once worked with who had super sweet parents , but she was always telling me like , oh , my parents would never let me do that . My parents would never let me go with a friend to the mall , they would never let me go out and walk around town without them . And I was like , really , because this child was old enough in my opinion . And then , of course , when we met with the parents and the child , the parents were like , absolutely , but it was the child's perception . That was often not accurate . One other question I will often ask parents is your child overly literal ? I'm thinking of when I worked with a child and was running some social skills groups many years ago and the mom told a story of when she was leaving a gas station and said let's blow this taco stand and the child became really upset and started to cry . Children are literal thinkers when they're younger , but kids who are struggling with social skills often do not perceive sarcasm or humor . At times they take things very literally .
Speaker 1Some additional signs of a child struggling with social challenges and social skills might be that the child is an absolute rule follower , gets really stuck if someone broke the rules , isn't really able to see nuances . These are kids that will tell a teacher because another child broke a rule , even though they realize the teacher is getting frustrated with them . Quote , unquote , tattletailing . They just can't help themselves . They get very stuck on everyone needing to follow the rules , really literally , and have a hard time seeing that there are instances when we don't always follow the rules or we really don't tell on our friends unless they're doing something dangerous . Sometimes children with social skill challenges that's really a tongue twister can be overly competitive . So this is a child who can't stand to lose a game . Maybe you're playing a board game and they start to lose . They start saying that you're cheating or might even flip the board or just have a really big reaction . They always have to win and this goes with the other two things that I just mentioned .
Speaker 1Sometimes a kid with these challenges is well often , again , often , a child with these challenges is what I would call an inflexible thinker . They get really stuck the way they expect things to be . Things need to be that way , or else they have a really hard time . So , whether they're drawing a picture and it's not coming out the way they expected it to and the way they imagined it in their head , or if plans change , they have a really difficult time with transitions , with moving from one activity to the next . Again , they are rule followers . They have a hard time seeing nuances . Things are either good or they're bad . They have a hard time seeing that there's really some good and some bad in every situation .
Speaker 1Parents can support their children with their social skills in a number of ways . I'm going to share some specific strategies , but first I'll just say that hosting play dates can be really helpful because parents can see their children in action . You can see where they're making mistakes . You might notice that a friend wants to have a turn choosing a game , and maybe your kid is having a hard time and only wants to play what they want to play . Also , when you're hosting a play date , you can gently intervene and help your child where they're getting stuck . Talking to your child's teacher and asking how they're doing socially is also really great information . This was often more what I was concerned with when I met for parent teacher conferences . I would always ask how is my child doing socially ? Do they have friends ? How do other children interact with them ? Do other children seek them out ? Those are some of the questions that you can ask . We're again very similar to the play date you're gathering information with where your children are doing well and where they're having some tricky spots with social interactions .
Speaker 1Really modeling healthy communication to your children is important , talking about your feelings in a healthy way . I was feeling so frustrated today when I was trying to do something for work and the computer was giving me trouble and it took really long to do something that should have been really short . Really modeling for them healthy ways of expressing yourself . Modeling healthy friendships for them , taking interest in other people in a way that you can share with them . Oh , I saw my friend Linda today and she told me the most fascinating story . Did you know that Linda used to be a gymnast ? I want to tell you the story Linda shared with me . You can model for them healthy interactions where you are thinking about other people within the family , right where your partner comes home and you are curious and you greet them and curious about their day , and really show that you're listening . Just modeling those good , healthy communication skills . I know we could get really deep into that . That's probably another episode .
Speaker 1If you think your child is really struggling with social skills as I'm talking about what to look for if you think , oh , my child's having a hard time with many of these aspects , it can be really helpful to find a local therapist who specializes in working with social skills . Sometimes it's a mental health therapist , sometimes it's a speech therapist . Especially helpful are groups , because when children and teens are in groups they are interacting in real time where a person who is leading the groups that professional can gently and kindly help point out their missteps . I'm thinking of a group that I co-led years ago . The kids were about nine years old .
Speaker 1One of the kids came to group one day and had clearly given himself a haircut . Another kid looked at him and said your hair looks horrible . I mean , it did look horrible . You could clearly tell this kid gave himself his own haircut . Not good . But of course , when this other kid said this to him , the child who had cut his own hair just burst into tears . This was a great opportunity . I remember the other group leader at this time said to him what you're saying to this other little boy . Let's call him John . What you're saying to John is making him feel upset . That hurts his feelings , and the little boy who had said that John's hair looked horrible said but it does look horrible . He was very literal and he had a hard time understanding how he was making a mistake and he started crying at one point . He didn't want to hurt this other boy's feelings . He wasn't trying to be a jerk in any way . This was a beautiful learning opportunity for him and the other kids in the group that , even though we might believe it to be true , we don't always say it . Sometimes we keep it in our thought bubble . When we think it's going to hurt someone's feelings potentially , we keep it in our thought bubble .
Speaker 1I would love to give you some very specific skills that you can work on with your children , and I want to give credit to Michelle Garcia winner . She is a superstar in the world of social skills and giving support to children and teens in particular . She has some great curriculum . She has free resources as well as books . You might have heard of her curriculum called social thinking . I will make sure to have a link to where you can find her and all that she provides in the show notes .
One thing that Michelle teaches in her social thinking curriculum that I think is so helpful and really a very good starting point is to be a social wanderer . Well , what on earth does that mean ? That means that for many individuals that struggle with social skills , they like being in their head and thinking about their areas of interest . They're often really high areas of interest and they have a hard time being curious about other people and wanting to know more information about other people . Michelle has a video I think you can find it on YouTube I'll check and connect it in the show notes , if I can find it where she uses a little turtle puppet and she shows that when the turtle's head is in its shell , it's just thinking about all the thoughts it likes to think . But when the turtle sticks its head out of its shell , it looks around , it notices the people around it and it has thoughts about them , and in that way we can teach children to look around and be curious about each other . Oh , I noticed that little boy has a Giants t-shirt on . Maybe he likes the Giants team . My dad likes the Giants team . I know who the quarterback is . I actually don't . Let me ask him if he likes the quarterback .
Speaker 1We can teach them how to be curious about other kids , and she talks about helping them to build people files where we store facts about other kids in our brains , and other grown-ups too . I know my teacher , mrs Brown , has a golden retriever named Sparky , and I know my teacher has three children and I know that they're all in college and we teach the children that by forming these people files and by kind of coming out of our shell like the turtle and looking around us and getting curious about other people , that helps to Connect us to them and that helps us to keep Friends . Make and keep friends helps us to be successful socially . Now in that same lesson we're teaching kids that as you are gaining information about other people , they are also looking at you and Thinking about what you might be thinking and feeling . How do you want them to think about you ? Do you want them to think that you are Interested in talking to them ? Do you want them to think that you are a Interested student in the classroom ? How can you give those messages ? And here we can work on some body language Right to show how you might be open to talking to someone . So rather than having our shoulders hunched forward and looking down at a desk , maybe you're sitting back with your shoulders kind of broad , think of like a power pose . You know you can . I love this .
Speaker 1Michelle Garcia winner talks about pointing your feet in the direction of the people that you're listening to . That is a great tip and strategy for some individuals . They have a hard time making and sustaining eye contact . So when they put their feet in the direction of the person speaking , that's going to help that person to just look like they're listening and Available , look like they're interested , and that's just a really easy strategy that kids can remember . And kids can start practicing some other strategies that Michelle Garcia winner , in her social thinking , talks about . That I think parents can easily help their children with , and something that I Am often Utilizing in the groups when I do group counseling .
Speaker 1She teaches that there are three parts of a conversation . I love this so much . It's so simple . You can add a comment , you can ask a question or you can add a supporting comment , and a supporting comment is uh-huh , oh , wow , wow , right , okay , right . Any of those comments that just let a person know you are listening . You can have some fun with this at home . What I do in groups is I cut up little strips of paper and I give each kid a certain number and we practice having a conversation . You put that strip of paper in the center of the table . You know , if you have a strip of paper that says add a comment and you say , wow , today was cold , you smack that piece of paper in the middle of the table . Then maybe someone says , did you wear a coat to school ? And they put their ask a question in and and somebody else says , yeah , I always wear a coat . They add their add a comment . Someone else says , oh really , they add their supporting comment . So you can have some fun with this and practice these skills .
Speaker 1I find that sometimes when I've got a little social anxiety , it's really helpful for me to just remember Three parts of a conversation . I've got this . I can just add Any one of these three parts to get myself Connected to other people . It's just that easy . I often do use some of these social skills Instructions with my kids who actually don't struggle too much with social skills but do have social anxiety . When their anxiety is super high , it's really hard for them to be available and Start connecting with others . It just helps them to do it in a really simple way by remembering some of these simple strategies .
Speaker 1So what I really hope you are taking away today as a parent or maybe even a helping professional , is that there are many ways that adults , especially parents , can help their children To have good , strong social skills , to learn them where necessary . I think it always starts with being curious yourself to figure out when is it that your child is struggling , and then help them with those social skills . There are great resources on the internet , like social thinking curriculum and the work by Michelle Garcia winner , and you can also just have a little fun with it . Make sure you keep it light when possible . Give your kids lots of praise for what they're doing right .
Speaker 1When social skills are challenging , it can really be hard on kids . Really , if you think about anything that's hard for you to do . Do you want to do it ? Is it something you enjoy doing ? Yeah , it can be really discouraging . So really praise them and encourage them wherever you can . You can model healthy communication skills . You can help them become Socially curious and a social wonderer about other people . Give them a challenge .
Speaker 1I want you to come home today and tell me three things For a people file for one person . You can pick your teacher . You can pick a kid in class , find out three things about them and report back . You can have friends over to your house so that you can gently help your child when they are having some challenges with other kids , and Always remember that there is help available . Hopefully there's help in your area . There are many helping professionals that will help with social
skills .
Speaker 1If you need some support as a parent , if you're not sure where to look or how to find that help , feel free to reach out to me and I will do my best to help you access help , even if it's in a different area than where I live .
Speaker 1All the ways that you can connect with me are in the show notes . I Am so glad you joined me here today . Until next time , friend , I hope you'll take some time today and every day to do something kind or yourself . Hey there , zen friend , I so appreciate you listening to this podcast and if I could ask two favors of you , please if you would take a moment to rate and review this Podcast on either Apple or Spotify . That helps other Zen friends to find us and that will help me to grow the show and Bring on fabulous guests . If you could also share it with a friend , that is another really effective way of helping the show to grow . It is my mission to help parents to fill their own cup and and boost their own mental health and overall well-being , so I very much appreciate your help .