Do you ever have trouble saying no, or do you say yes to things that you later realize you should have actually said no to? Do you find yourself attending events or volunteering or working and doing things that you really wish you had never signed on for? Well, if you've answered yes to any of these questions, then today's episode is for you. I have my friend, vicki Smith, on. Vicki specializes in helping people with perfectionistic and people-pleasing tendencies. She's gonna help us to say no to those extra obligations that pop up especially around the holidays. So stay tuned and you're sure to have some more free time for yourself to do the things that you want to do following this episode. Welcome to your Zen friend. I'm your host, lauren Wolfe.
Speaker 1On this podcast, I will share wisdom from working as a licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years. Using storytelling and lighthearted humor, each episode will explore themes on personal growth, including tips and strategies to boost mental wellness and overall wellbeing. If you're a perfectly imperfect human like me, who's always striving to do better and feel better than this podcast is for you, let's get started. Welcome, zen friend. I hope, wherever you are, you are doing well. I know that this episode is going to be really helpful for many of you, because it's definitely going to be helpful for me. I have some big people-pleasing parts and my friend, vicki Smith, specializes in helping people with perfectionism and people-pleasing and she is on today to talk about setting boundaries, especially setting some boundaries by saying no to things you do not want to do during the holiday season when, oh my gosh, there are so many extra things on all of our clips. You might be familiar with the name Vicki Smith because Vicki was on your Zen friend back on episode number 47. We recorded the episode People-pleasing and Perfectionism, so if you haven't heard that episode, definitely check that out. That was a really fun one. During that episode I discovered that I had some bigger people-pleasing parts than I was even aware of, so definitely had some fun with that episode.
Speaker 1I feel like the holidays are just a really difficult time for many individuals I'm going to generalize here especially women. I think women are often in charge of the merry making. They are in charge of doing for everybody else, and Vicki and I talk about this. Many women are getting gifts not just for their partners, their friends, their children, but also are getting gifts for their partners' family and sometimes getting gifts for their partners' coworkers. There's all the regular stuff that you have to do, and then there's a ton of extra stuff along with the expectation that you are having a good time because the holidays are supposed to be festive, merry and bright. If you've ever watched the Hallmark Channel, think about how people are just pretty and pleasant, and I think that's often the expectation that we feel, and sometimes we put that expectation on ourselves as well.
Speaker 1I have a fantasy part of me that wants to embrace the holidays, that wants to have a really great time making memories with friends and family members, but my reality is often that I am really tired and burnt out and feel like I'm just trying to get to that finish line, which, for me, is Christmas Day. That is the holiday my family celebrates. So I have found, in the last few years in particular, that not doing some of the things I had been doing by really letting go of some things that really were not bringing me joy but really were bringing me additional stress have helped. But I still struggle at times with wanting to say yes to any invite that I receive. So this is what Vicki and I talk about today. We talk about really identifying what it is you want, what you want to do, what you do not want to do and how to politely get out of the things you don't want to do. I know some things are not really optional. If you have an office party you might be expected to attend, you might have family obligations that you really can't get out of, but there definitely are things for most of us that are optional. So Vicki helps us to identify what is it that we want to do, what is it we do not want to do, how can we politely get out of those things we want to say no to, and how we can work through those uncomfortable feelings that often, for people pleasers, come with saying no, thank you. So I think this episode is going to be extremely helpful because when you identify what it is you do want and you have the ability to say no to the things you don't want, you're going to have more time for those things that you do want to do and those events and those moments that recharge you, that fill your cup, that maybe give you a little bit more merry. So let's take a short break and then we'll get right to my interview with Vicki.
Speaker 1Hey there, parents, if you are a parent of a teenager, then there's a podcast you have to listen to. It's called College and Career Ready Podcast and it's hosted by my friend, sonia Casique. It is the ultimate resource for parents looking to empower their teens with the knowledge and skills they need for career and college readiness. This podcast is packed with expert interviews, insightful discussions and practical advice that will help you navigate the challenges of preparing your teen through their college and or career journey. Trust me, it is so overwhelming as a parent when you have a teenager and you begin to think about what is needed to figure out the steps after high school. She breaks it down into podcast episodes that give you just enough information to absorb. She has a warm and friendly way about her that is totally reassuring and takes a lot of the stress out of what can be a pretty stressful process. So go to Apple Podcast or Spotify or wherever you find your podcast and follow College and Career Ready Podcast. You'll be so glad that you did Welcome Vicki, so happy to have you back.
Speaker 1Hey, how are you? I'm glad to be back, I'm so glad to have you here and I think it's a really good time to have you back. So just to remind our listeners that you really specialize in helping perfectionists and people pleasers and have a coaching program where you help people to do that less and live happier, more satisfying lives. Right, it's hard to be a perfectionist or a people pleaser. I know because I work on that too. Same, yeah, right, takes one to no one. Yeah, why do I know so much about this?
Speaker 2I wonder Absolutely so.
Speaker 1Here we are. The holiday season is upon us by a humbug or right, I don't know, or it's the most wonderful time of the year, just depends where you're at. For many of us I feel like for most of us, vicki it's not as if you're making some kind of transition where you're no longer needing to do laundry or cook dinner, or, you know, care for your spouse or maybe your elderly parents or perhaps your children, or do your job that supports you, and instead you're just doing all of this extra holiday stuff. But instead it's like, no, you've got all of that to do and also, please make it merry for everyone around you and also enjoy this yourself. Like the pressure is upon us.
Speaker 1So I just thought this would be such a great time to really talk about self care. Being about boundaries, right. We often think about self care like, oh, I'm going to get a massage. Or oh, check out these really cozy socks I found at TJ Maxx. Like, yes, great, but that's not going to do it and that's not going to do much of anything if you are just saying yes to everything around you, especially the stuff, that is not something you want to do or they are not things you want to do. Yeah, how do you feel about all of that?
Speaker 2You are preaching to the choir, okay, and I love that you said make it merry for everybody else, because I think that's the standard for people, please. There's imperfectionists, no matter what time of year it is, and then there's just pressure. There's the pressure to kind of rise above your mood or your fatigue or whatnot and help everybody else have this beautiful season. And I kind of, tongue in cheek, think about you know. We hear things like the season of giving and for people pleasers, you know, walking into December it's like I do not want to have to give any extra and yet that is the expectation. So yeah, it's loaded as we get into these holidays, no matter what holidays you celebrate. Honestly, it's loaded.
Speaker 1Yeah, absolutely, and I think what you're hitting upon, vicki, is, for those of us who tend to be people pleasers, the whole year is a season of giving. Yes, so you get to this time of year and it's like you can often just feel like you have nothing left to give. You're reminding me, too. I had my best friend on the podcast last year I can't remember what episode, I'll put it in the show notes, but it was on oh gosh, what do we call it? Fantasy versus reality for the holidays, and she's got six children and she talked about how and she goes all out in a very big way. She talked about how she was feeling all sorts of stressed and was really cranky. And whenever her kids said to her what are you so stressed out about? Santa Claus does it all, which is so amazing, because for those individuals that have young children, not only are they bust in their butt, but they are getting none of the glory in many instances.
Speaker 2That is so true. That is so true. Yeah, and I just want to say that for a people pleaser and a perfectionist, we would love to get the glory, we would love to get that. Oh my God, that was so kind. But think about, like a secret Santa thing that happens at your workplace. Right, we are doing a lot behind the scenes to pick out the perfect secret Santa gift or white elephant gift and a lot of times it's never contributed back to us that we were so thoughtful. So just know that your people pleaser and perfectionist friends and co-workers are, given that they're all, even when they're buying something that's under $10.
Speaker 1100%. That is so so true. So when we are getting invitations to things and we're being asked to do things as a people pleaser, my first response is always like yes, it makes me think of if you ever saw the show A Chorus Line, and it's the no, you never saw this. The dancers are they're auditioning.
Speaker 1It's all about dancers auditioning for a show. So there's this segment where I was a theater major undergrad right, so I did this show. So there's this song where the dancers are singing God. I hope I get it. I hope I get it Like this is how I feel I go about life.
Speaker 1I once was on a jury. This is so bad, vicki. I was living half an hour, like not even 45 minutes away from where I was called to jury duty because I was living off of. I was living in a house while I was going to college with some roommate, so it was a distance. But instead of like letting them know I you know where I was registered to vote like this was a distance I went and thought, well, I'm sure they won't choose me. But then when I got into the room, I went into full God, I hope I get it mode. And I got it and I, yeah. So this is what I do, right? So for me, I'm trying trying to. When I'm asked to do something, no matter what it is, no matter how excited my little people pleasing heart gets that someone's asking me to do something, I try to pause and say let me check my calendar and get back to you. Brilliant, do you have any other tips besides that? And I'm curious, vicki, is that typical of people pleasers, or is that just a me thing?
Speaker 2No, I think that you work yourself into the people pleasing group with that and there's some people can relate to that. The desire to be liked, of course, is there. And then if you get invited because a lot of times we're the ones that are orchestrating everything and making sure everybody is taken care of so if somebody's actually thinking about you and includes you into something, you're sort of like holy smokes I won't have the voice that you had, but it's like I got it. I got it. Oh my God, I've been seen, I've been heard. Like they like me, they want me to be part of this party. So I think it is a dopamine hit right Of like, oh my gosh, they thought about me and I am cared for. So if I cut this off, if I say no, they might not ever offer this to me, but again. So what I work with my clients around is finding their words to let people know that they need a moment to decide if this is a yes or a no. So what you said is brilliant, it's. I can't answer right now. Right, which is the. I have to check in with myself. I have to see if this is actually just that dopamine spike. That's like I'm seen, I'm heard, I'm special, or if it's like that absolutely will not fit in my calendar because I'm not gonna be in town that day or whatever.
Speaker 2So I help my clients come up with what their particular wording is. But a lot of times we just start with some really loose scripts. If you will around what you've said and things like that is, that sounds amazing, that sounds like a great time. I'm so glad that you thought about me. Things are really crazy right now. Let me get back to my calendar and then I'll reach out tomorrow or I'll text you tonight, right? So you give them a timeframe, because sometimes people are actually planning food or sure you know whatnot. So they need to know if someone's coming. So I like to at least acknowledge the thank you for including me in it and then give myself that. Okay, let me back out of saying yes or no until I check in with myself. So there's lots of ways we can, you know, play with those that language.
Speaker 1But yeah, give yourself a pause, yeah so I'm gonna remember that right Pause, thank them, show appreciation and then maybe the let me check my calendar but give them a time period of I'll let you know by end of the day tomorrow or whatever that might be. Yeah, and then make sure you get back to them, of course too, because that can be, and we're gonna get to that right. That can be really uncomfortable for the people, please. So for those of us who are, immediate response is like I would love to do that, I would love to chair the organization, or, you know, I would love to be the PTA chair for the fall fair, which I always got roped into. For those of us who do that, how can we better check in and really listen and really decide if it's gonna be something that serves us or if it's gonna be something that leaves us with a stomach ache, a migraine or just regret that we said yes?
Speaker 2Yeah, this is a great one, because that feeling of being special, or the potential to be special, like if I had this or if I chair this, then I'm gonna be connected to people and I will be helpful, right.
Speaker 2So the desire to do that can is the people pleasing part of our personality that takes over steps forward and commits us to it. So I really like to think about what we're signing our future self up for, right, because in the moment too, we could be, I say, you know, I could be caffeinated and very excited about anything you put in front of me and agreed to it, but then, you know, by 430 that day, I'm like what did I just do? So I like to check the true barometer of myself, not when I'm, you know, saturday morning, ready to take on anything, or, you know, thursday night at 730, when the week is almost done. I like to ask people to help themselves clear their heads first, because I think that we live up in our brains, right, we live up in our minds about how do I feel special, how will I be considered helpful or kind or generous to other people, and saying yes is an easy way to do that but in our minds we're just dealing mostly from fear. Obligation and guilt is what I think about.
Speaker 1And that's you know, fog.
Speaker 2fog is the acronym. I did not make that up, Wow.
Speaker 1Oh, I need a moment for that. Fear, obligation and guilt is what we are using when we like, where we're, I guess, responding from sometimes, when we're saying yes, wow, okay, I'm really gonna be spending some time with that. That is powerful.
Speaker 2Yeah, I love that imagery too, because we can't really see through the fog in that moment. So we're reactionary and we just go to the default setting of yes yes because I wanna see that person happy with me when I say I will chair the fall festival.
Speaker 1Right and, to be honest, vicki, like I'm having such an aha moment, it was obligation. It was, you know, my children's grammar school, where I really liked it and I liked the people and where they did not have a lot of volunteers. So it was a situation of, well, if I don't do this, who's gonna do it? It's gonna be someone else that's already doing a lot. So it was so interesting, it was totally obligation and with the dash of guilt.
Speaker 2There you go. I was just thinking about it.
Speaker 1Oh, and some fear, yeah, but if I say no, that they'll think I'm a jerk, because now it's gonna land on them and they're actually even doing more than I am. Right, wow, yeah, fog.
Speaker 2Yeah, fog, and we have to clear, we have to burn the fog off a little bit, and I think that the best way to do that is to give ourselves this pause, right, give ourselves this time that you're talking about of let me check my calendar. I gotta get away from this person. I gotta get out from in front of this person, yes, where I want to see them happy with me, and I gotta get into my own space where I can let my shoulders down, I can breathe a couple of times, I can actually look at my calendar and then I can use that as my barometer, and that's what I work with. People around is like how do we even get to our own barometer for making these decisions?
Speaker 1Yeah, and does that then have more, like you talked before, about us being in our head when you pause and you move away and you check in? Is that more about being in our body and feeling into our body than it is thinking our thoughts?
Speaker 2Exactly Yep, because the body is not gonna lie, the body is gonna be in the present moment. So say, you're in that physical, present moment space with the person and they're showing signs of stress because they're overloaded with something and there's this desire to move towards them and hold some of their burden.
Speaker 1Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2That's coming from the fear, obligation and guilt, the head, the people, pleasing part of our personality, the body, is probably bracing. We just don't realize it. So if we can get our bodies out of there without signing up for something, we can then check in with our bodies about what was that like. And I like to have my clients either say it out loud or write something down where they are in the present moment and they're saying they're using the present tense and they're saying I chair the Fall Festival for my kids school, right, and they, they are claiming it, they are already committing to it, right.
Speaker 2And then they get to see, in the space that we've set up for them, where they've paused and they've let some of that fog dissipate. They get to see if there's clenching tightness. They get to learn to touch base with their body about what that commitment is, because the body's going to follow the mind. So even if they can imagine it, right, if they can imagine scurrying around and setting up the tables with all the you know holiday whatever, you know hanging streamers from the ceiling of people even still do that, you know, if they can imagine it, the body's going to go in that space with them. So it will time travel where the mind goes. Love that.
Speaker 1So maybe, since this is this is the holiday time, right? Let's imagine exactly the technique that you're walking us through, vicki, with, like a cookie bake, because I think many people are asked to do this. Right, would you like to join this cookie bake? Because, I mean, I don't know, for me at least, like there's nothing that actually sounded fun about sharing the fall fair.
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 1Spoiler alert it wasn't. But if someone invited me to a cookie bake, there would be a part of me that did think like, as you were talking about before, like wow, I'm so honored that you thought of me. And there's a part of me that says cookie baking can be fun, right, but knowing myself, there's another part of me that says, yes, it can be fun, but if I have so much going on that I am in a tight time frame to bake the cookies and that's stressful because I've got all this other stuff going on, it actually might not be fun. It might be really stressful and feel like a lot of pressure. So, okay, can we use that example, because I think a lot of people find themselves in things like that.
Speaker 1So we're going to have our way of thinking the person acknowledging the thoughtfulness, saying I need to check my calendar, I'll get back to you at this date and time. We're going to walk away, take a few breaths. And now I think you were saying we're going to say something like I am participating in the cookie bake, I am making four dozen cookies, right, okay, right. And now what are we looking for? I think you mentioned, maybe, clenching. So if we're clenching and feeling tightness, feeling any kind of unpleasant physical sensation. That could be an indication that it's a no. What would we look for to say hell yes, this sounds amazing. Like what would make us say yes.
Speaker 2Right, and, by the way, I love that you said four dozen, because, and as a pleaser and a perfectionist, you're not going to go get the slice and bake stuff, you're going to make it from scratch.
Speaker 1Hell, yes, yes, and you're going to be, and you're not going to pick the easiest recipe you have.
Speaker 2No, right. So I would also like to add that you don't have to be busy to say no. I just went when I was hearing you talk about that, like I have all this other stuff going on. Sometimes you can just decide this holiday season is going to have lots of space between things. This holiday season is going to have, you know, a tad bit of simplicity to it, so we can feel guilty as people pleasers, not signing up for something if we don't have four other things in that time slot, because it's not justified. So I want to give permission that if you need a breather in the month of December for whatever reason, Thank you.
Speaker 1Thank you so much, Vicki, for pointing that out. I think that's so important and I, as a people pleaser where I am in my journey, I would have not picked up on that. But that is so wise, Like, even if it's April and someone's asked you to do something and April for you is a chill month and you just don't want to or it just doesn't serve you in some way, you don't have to.
Speaker 2Right. So let's get back to how we know. It's a hell yes, right. So when you're imagining going to the grocery store and getting your, your ingredients and getting things ready, if there's a sense of lightness, if there's a sense of excitement, I think about it sometimes as if there's a sense of almost like your body is moving forward already, like it's already ready to do the thing. There's a little bit of bubbley-ness to it. There's, you know, there's just like this is good, right. You might even feel the smile on your face. You can imagine that you've got your favorite 90s music playing while you're baking stuff. Right, so it's there's. There's a yes feeling, there's a no feeling.
Speaker 2It can be difficult in the beginning to get the difference between those, as a pleaser and a perfectionist, it's because we haven't asked ourselves to, we haven't asked our body to let us know. But I think if you are looking forward to something, versus already kind of resisting and hesitating and trying to come up with an excuse to not do it, those can give you general, you know, places to feel like I'm in a yes spot or I'm in a no spot and like I have lunch with a friend today. We, of course, as adults, made this appointment. We made this lunch date probably three weeks ago. Ever since it's been on my calendar. Whenever I look at today at that time frame and see her name there, I am excited. I feel a little uplift. Right, yeah, so I made the the date with her and I'm still excited to do it, even if it's three weeks later. So I know that was a yes, yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's beautiful. You felt it. You felt moving, a sense of wanting to move towards it. You felt joyful when you accepted the invitation or made the lunch date and now, as you get closer, you still feel that excitement and joy. You're reminding me, vicki, that a podcast that I listened to had this tip before you say yes to something, imagine the event is happening either today or tomorrow. Do you still want to say yes? Because I think sometimes we're like, oh, that's not for four months, Sure, I'll do that thing, but inevitably, now it's tomorrow, do you still want to do that thing? Right, and I think I see this a lot in, you know, spending time with women, having women friends, book clubs, that sort of thing, where people will often say yes to something that isn't for a while, and then everyone starts canceling the day of right.
Speaker 1And I think that's usually more of an inconvenience to whoever it is that's hosting, because now they have, you know, they've thought through the food or the appetizers, whatever. So to really be able to just say yes or no in a way that best serves you from the get-go is probably better for everyone and probably the people that are making excuses last minute and, believe me, I've been that person at times too, so no shade, and I felt way worse about doing it. And then I'm in a situation where I kind of feel like it's just no win either way. Either I just do it, and it means that it's going to like negatively impact my life in some way, because I'd really rather be doing something else or I have other things that need to get done, or I don't do it and now I feel guilty for canceling last minute, right, yep, and I think that's something that you should be able to say yes or no, right when you get that invitation, or shortly after, when you've committed to giving the answer.
Speaker 2Yes, yes.
Speaker 1Right, yeah, any other tips, vicki, for really tuning in and deciding if it's a yes or no? I think what you've given is great.
Speaker 2Again, I think what you heard on the podcast is something I would think about too. If it's right now, what am I doing? What do I want to do? Because that's bringing it as close to your current experience as possible and it doesn't give you an excuse to fall back on your people pleasing. Because if you're working on kind of turning down some of that people pleasing behavior, you're going to have to hang out in this discomfort a little bit right, yes.
Speaker 2And if you're going to actually not put off the thing that you don't want to do, you're going to bring it close to you, right, and check in and see is this something that floats my boat or is this something that I feel like I'm going to have to do? Yeah, like think about it in those words too. Do I have to do it? Is it a should? Okay, yeah, do I need to do it or do I want to do it?
Speaker 2I think that learning curve for so many people pleasers is a big one of I don't know what I want to do. So doing some of these practices of getting out from the person right in front of you and having to commit buying yourself some time, learning to check in and even in that space of where you're checking in, thinking about this is going to happen tomorrow, bringing it into the present as much as possible. But there's also recognizing this is uncomfortable. Recognizing this is different and if you buy yourself some time, you can kind of work through some of that discomfort, that itchy, scratchy feeling of if it's a no, right yeah, and you can go through how you want to say it and feel a little bit more sure of your no if you're not right in front of the person.
Speaker 1Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2So please give yourself that time away to check in and do that sort of futzing around with it. Yeah, on your own.
Speaker 1And once you bring up such a great point, vicki, it is ultimately uncomfortable for people pleasers, and probably even some people that aren't people pleasers might have some level of discomfort.
But especially for people pleasers, when you say no to an invitation of any kind, whether it be one that is just thoughtful and generous, or whether it be someone asking you to do something because someone needs help, right, an organization or a person Right and if you are saying no, that can feel really uncomfortable. It's not just as simple as like no, thank you, right, and no matter how you say it, it has some level of discomfort. Are there any tips for this that you have, vicki, to make it a little more bearable or a little more comfortable? You know I am thinking of so often I'm sure you do this too working with clients and talking about getting comfortable, feeling uncomfortable because to some degree it is a part of life. Sometimes we do have to do things that we just don't want to do. Or you know there is a you know I'm a podcast enthusiast. There's another podcast that I listen to.
Speaker 1And it's actually on chronic pain and the woman often talks about. Life is a choice of life is a choice between what hurts and what hurts more, and I think that sometimes that is so applicable, especially in this situation. Right, I guess that could be another question for yourself. Which hurts more to bake four dozen cookies and that's going to make me want to stick a hot poker in my eye because it doesn't sound at all enjoyable or say no to this generous, thoughtful invitation Bingo.
Speaker 2Yeah, I love that. I'm going to have to borrow that from your podcast person.
Speaker 1Yeah, I don't know. It's probably not as simple as tips for this, but what have you got?
Speaker 2Yes, yeah, I call it the boundary sandwich. So it is part of what we talked about a little bit earlier, which is acknowledging the invite or acknowledging that the person is struggling with something. Sometimes I think about it in terms of like if you had a co-worker dump something on your desk right and be like this this has got to get done, I don't have time to do it, or something like that. That it's like, but I do have a choice of whether to say yes or no. And acknowledging what the co-worker is going through right, like I know this is a lot going on. I know there's a deadline coming up. I have seen you running around the office, you know, drinking lots of coffee. So that's the acknowledgement right.
Speaker 2That's the thank you for the invite or the. I can see you're struggling. And then the middle part of the sandwich is the boundary, which is but I'm not going to be able to help you with this right now because of the things I have on my to-do list or if it's, you know, declining a holiday party it's. Thank you so much for the invite. I appreciate you thinking of me. We've decided to really simplify the holidays this year, and so I'm going to have to say no to this one, but I would love for us to get together in the new year, right? So you're saying no.
Speaker 2And then the other part, the other piece of bread for the sandwich, is wishing them well, which is, I'm sure this party is going to be amazing. You always are the. You know, a phenomenal host. Can't wait to see pictures or hear stories, right? Or with the co-worker, it would be like I know this is going to be, you know, hard to do, but you always pull it out in the last minute and even if you're doing 60% work, it's going to be better than not doing it at all, right? So it's like, yeah, we've got to let people know we see them, and then we've got to let them know, but this is this is my answer, and then we're kind of capping it off with. You're going to be great at this without my help.
Speaker 1Yay, you, yes. Yeah, I love that so much because it's not like you're being an A-hole and just I'm not going to do that thing. You're really responding with kindness, but you're also not over-explaining, right, which I think many of us people pleasers like I'm raising my hand included do Like I'd love to do that, but I have 4,000 things to do and my husband's traveling and the dog is vomiting and whatever.
Speaker 2Yes, yeah, yes, yeah. I do not care. As long as you told me you can't do it, I stopped listening. Right, exactly Right.
Speaker 1It's like okay, so I'm buying for 10 people and not 11. Yeah, yeah, right, oh, I think this is so, so helpful, vicki. And then, when we're saying no to the things that don't serve us, it gives us space to say yes to the things that do Right, and that could be laying on the couch under your weighted blanket. Hell yes, that sounds amazing.
Speaker 2That sounds because you gave all through the year.
Speaker 1Oh my God, with the lights, dim, a bowl of popcorn, right, I am all there for that, right, because sometimes what serves you is actually retreating and just, yeah, caring for yourself at home, and just especially for those of us who tend to be more introverted like that can really be what we need to fill us up. Yeah, yeah, totally. So is there something you intend to do for yourself to fill your own cup this holiday season, vicki?
Speaker 2Well, I usually take some time off at the end of the year and I think we are going to escape the city for a little bit and I don't think we're going to be doing anything for New Year's this year. We didn't do anything for New Year's last year, okay, and it felt like, okay, we've officially landed in Old Foggy Land, right when you don't or anything's too wild and too crazy.
Speaker 1Oh welcome.
Speaker 2But removing the pressure from New Year's Eve from moving from we celebrate Christmas in my family, moving from that pressure of the big thing for Christmas and then, oh, five days or so later there's another big thing. Just removing that second big thing has been on my mind as we move into December and feels like that's a good self-care practice this year. That's awesome, yeah.
Speaker 1And maybe lying on your couch under your weighted blanket is just what you need on New Year's Eve, because that sounds good to me. And going to bed at 10.30. Hell yeah, oh, I do that pretty much every New Year's Eve. It's often at 11 and my husband's like what's another hour? I'm like yep, good night, happy New Year, right, yep, see you tomorrow. Yeah, so really knowing and I think for many of us who are out there caring for everyone else, we don't always even know what serves us because we're so busy caring for others. So really checking in with what is it that I would like to do and then seeing how you can make that happen.
Speaker 1I have a friend, vanessa. She was a theater major with me undergrad and last year we went to a local theater production with one of our previous directors was putting on a show and it was so fun. It was a musical and it was a comedy and it was such a blast. So he's doing another one this year. So just last night I reached out to Vanessa. I was like want to go? So I am making time for that, I'm looking forward to seeing her and it's going to be fun. So, yeah, that's what I will be doing. That's one thing. I will be doing more than one thing, but one thing that I am saying yes to and making time for yeah, hopefully Vanessa is not listening, thinking oh shoot, I really didn't want to go with.
Speaker 1Lauren, why did I say yes? I should have checked in Hit pause.
Speaker 2Well, that's what I was going to ask you. So I'm glad that you're doing that and I just encourage listeners because listeners are going to be on my show and for you and your listeners to just play around with it. We have a little bit of time to just think about what you want to be doing when your holiday celebrations come about. And if somebody was to give you a free pass to be selfish if you even think about that word in that way to choose just what you would want to do, what would it be? And if you don't want to have a huge holiday dinner, okay, what would that look like? And so, just play around with it. Let it be light. It's not another thing to have to make happen. Oh, now, this holiday season, I've got to make time for myself.
Speaker 1No.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Oh, I love that, Vicki. Let it be light because we can those of us who tend to be perfectionists right, and the two go together. We can tend to want to do it all perfectly and might want to do this perfectly. And look, it's likely that many of us are going to say yes to something we wish we had said no to, or say yes because the obligation feels too big in some way to say no to, and that's okay too. We don't have to do this perfectly, but if we can maybe do this a little bit better, it just brings us more peace and lateness throughout the season.
Speaker 2Yeah, let it be light.
Speaker 1Oh, that's, I love that so much. Yeah, wise words.
Speaker 2Thank you, this is awesome. I always love talking to you.
Speaker 1I love talking to you. I don't think I'm going to pick up any podcast idea as an excuse to get together, so thank you for playing along. I'm so glad we did this, I think this will be really helpful to both of our listeners.
Speaker 1So, yes, yes, absolutely so. Thank you, vicki. Felice Navidad. I hope it's a wonderful season for you. Same to you, same to you. Thank you. I hope this episode and all of the great information from Vicki is going to help you get out of doing things you do not want to do this holiday season. I'd love to hear from you and hear what you are skipping. You can connect with me on Facebook. We have a wonderful private group there. Just search for your Zen friend in groups on Facebook. There's also a link in my show notes and if you'd like to hear more from Vicki, I highly recommend that you do.
You can check out her fantastic podcast. You can find it on Apple, spotify or wherever you find your podcast. Her podcast is called Power to the Pleasers. I'll have a link to that in the show notes. I'll also have a link to the other places where you can find Vicki. You can find her on Instagram at power to the pleasers. You can find her on her website. That is power to the pleaserscom. I encourage you to listen, follow or subscribe to her podcast. It's great. She's got great content on a regular basis that comes out. I believe it comes out weekly. I look forward to all of her new episodes, so if you connect with having a perfectionistic or people-pleasing part, definitely follow or subscribe to her podcast. She also works with clients individually, so check out her website and how you can do more work with Vicki as well. A great big thank you to Suzanne for editing this podcast and making it sound terrific. Until next time, friend, I hope you'll take some time today and every day to do something kind for yourself.
Speaker 2Hey, it's Vicki Smith. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of your Zen Friend. If anything here sparked your interest and you'd like to dive deeper into boundaries or feeling more confident in relationships, then I invite you to check out my podcast, power to the Pleasers. There I break down your people-pleasing and perfectionistic patterns and help you move from the stress of feeling like you've got to be polite and doing it right to actually showing up, speaking up and laughing it up with people. Okay, I look forward to spending time with you and helping you find more ease and fulfillment in relationships. Yep, power to the Pleasers. Check it out, thank you.