As a therapist who works with children and teens , parents are often expressing their frustration to me that their kids are no longer talking and sharing with them the way they used to . On today's episode , I have my daughter , lena , who is 20 years old , here to talk about the things I did that kept her talking and sharing with me , and she does share with me quite a bit . She'll also tell me about the things I did that made her stop talking and sharing with me at times as well . If you are a parent who wishes for more connection , who wants your children to speak and share with you , especially about important things , then stay tuned . This episode is for you . Welcome to your Zen Friend . I'm your host , lauren Wolfe . On this podcast , I will share wisdom from working as a licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years . Using storytelling and lighthearted humor , each episode will explore themes on personal growth , including tips and strategies to boost mental wellness and overall well-being . If you're a perfectly imperfect human like me , who's always striving to do better and feel better , then this podcast is for you . Let's get started . Welcome , zen Friend . I hope , wherever you are , you are doing well . I am very happy , grateful and excited to have my daughter on the podcast today , lena also known as Queen Leans . I can't remember exactly when she got that nickname . I think it was an Instagram handle she gave herself at one point . I'll have to ask for clarification from her , but the nickname stuck and she'll always be the queen to me .
Speaker 1We will be talking about how parents can get their tweens and teens talking to them and how they can keep them talking and sharing with them . I think it's one thing to get my perspective as a mom and as a therapist who specializes in working with kids and families , but it's so special to get the perspective of a young person and to hear from her what has helped her to share and stay open and connected with me over the years when there were times that she maybe wasn't as likely to share . She'll share , in particular , how I gave her a no you cannot do that and she did it and snuck it anyway . We'll talk about how that might have been different if I had responded differently , but I also think that can be a normal part of being an adolescent and finding some freedom and autonomy from parents and feeling maybe a little rebellious . So all very healthy and normal and the risk she took was not that big . I'm very grateful for that , but we'll talk about the things I did that were helpful , the things I did that were not so helpful , and she's got just , I think , great insight and perspective to share and I'm so grateful that she is here and willing to be so open and honest today .
Speaker 1Lena is 20 years old . She will be 21 years old in just a few months , so she's definitely young enough to remember what it was like to be a teenager . It was only just a couple years ago for her and really as a young adult , there's a lot of crossover . I've definitely seen her mature in some pretty big ways in the last year or two , but ultimately Lena is still a kid in the sense of her role in the family . She lives at school , at college during the year and then , of course , is back in her childhood bedroom , so she hasn't left the house completely yet . So I think she's still very much relates to that kind of kid versus parent dynamic .
Speaker 1Let's take a short break and then we'll get to my interview with Lena , and I sure hope you find it helpful . Lena says Lena has been a part of this podcast and I'm우� WOw , I lost some friends . I'd want to acknowledge that weper incidents do have benefits to help make friends as long as possible . If anyone wants to watch that episode with us or want to watch some of it quickly , you can call in the bottom of vicetechn corruption officer homem Doc McCämber . It will help me succeed when I stand by , però the show and bring on fabulous guests . If you could also share it with a friend , that is another really effective way of helping the show to grow . It is my mission to help parents to fill their own cup and boost their own mental health and overall well-being , so I very much appreciate your help .
Speaker 1Now let's get back to our show . Welcome , lena . So glad to have you back on the show . Hi , thank you for having me . Well , thank you for participating , lena . Listeners might remember that you were on our very first episode of the your Zen Friend podcast a little more than a year ago . One thing you might not know , lena , is that that has been our number one most downloaded episode . Did you know that ?
Speaker 2Well , I just learned that that's awesome . So honored to be your first guest and the most listened to episode .
Speaker 1Well , I think that it's the most downloaded episode , because the topic is really one that parents are interested in , and our topic was on how to make and keep connections with your kids from preschool to college . So obviously parents are interested in that topic , so I'm so glad to have you back on today , queen Leans , as you are often called oh my god stop . Moms and daughters can often struggle with having a healthy connection , and for me , it has always been important to have a good connection with you and keep a good connection with you , and I don't know if you'll remember this , but back when you were eight or nine years old , we started struggling a little bit . Do you remember that time ? Yes , I do remember that . Yeah , what do you remember about that ?
Speaker 2I remember definitely being very jealous of my younger brother , aimen . I also think , too , like that's kind of around the time you start to hit puberty . So I think like definitely some raging hormones started to contribute to that as well .
Speaker 1Totally . I think that's such great insight , and today's episode is all about how parents can get their tweens and teens to talk to them , and I think what often happens is exactly what you said , lena . At around age nine typically , it's that tween time , when you're kind of like a protein and hormones are changing . There are a lot of brain changes that actually are really very responsible for kids feeling more dysregulated , so having really big emotions , and also developmentally , they start to push back and realize that they can be in control in a way that is a little bit new to them . So I have a memory of us being in the living room . I don't remember what happened , but I asked you to go to your room and I could see the lights like turn on in a whole new way , and you said no , you can't make me .
Speaker 2I have no memory of that , but I'm sure I did . I spoke my truth . You spoke your truth Exactly .
Speaker 1And I was not going to my room , no , and I had a big reaction as a parent in like , oh , that is so disrespectful , you have to do as I say . And of course we were just continuing to battle it out because it was like ding , ding , ding round one . We each put our boxing gloves on and took a side . So , yes , those preteen years can be challenging . I think they often take parents by surprise because you think it will happen when they're teenagers . So parents are quite surprised when around age nine it very often happens .
Speaker 1So here's what I remember to Lena , and that is I would often be cooking dinner at night and you would come and kind of lean on the counter and tell me about things that were going on at school and like small challenges with friends . And I remember during this time period that you would tell me about these challenges and I would respond and you would get annoyed with me and you would walk away and I'd feel annoyed and you would feel annoyed . Do you remember that at all ? Like vaguely , yeah , I think I do remember that . Yeah , so I remember thinking to myself like why is this happening ? I work with kids her age . This doesn't happen in counseling sessions , when they tell me things what is different ? And I realized that I was often going into problem solving mode and telling you what you should be doing , and , not surprisingly , I don't think that was helpful .
Speaker 2I definitely think then , and honestly too , sometimes now , like when you're talking to anyone , like whether it's like me talk to you or someone else like you just are looking for like someone to listen and like acknowledge how you're feeling . I mean , especially when you're what like 9 , 10 versus like problem solving , like your childhood front issues .
Speaker 1Totally makes sense , lena , that makes sense .
Speaker 1Okay , yeah , totally makes sense . And I think that there were a couple of things I learned and I did start noticing , like , what am I doing different in session with my clients ? And while I didn't want to make you know I wasn't trying to be a therapist with you , I was interested in how I could change that dynamic so that I kept that content connection with us . And I think the one thing I noticed was that with my clients , like if one kid told me like , say , they said something , that immediately I was like , oh gosh , that was a bad idea . I didn't say that .
Speaker 1So , like I'm thinking of one time this girl was like oh , like I'm friends with these two other friends they used to be best friends and now they're not talking . And so I was texting the other girl like you need to be nicer to her , and here's what the problem is . And I'm thinking like , oh , yeah , that's not going to be helpful . But I didn't say that . Instead I said something like oh gosh , like how hard to be caught in the middle Right , wow , you're really looking out after your friend . So I would start with validating and when .
Speaker 1I changed with you and would start validating like , oh , that's so hard that so-and-so won't play that game with you , or whatever . That was . That shifted things . So I think that speaks to exactly what you said . You really don't often want mom , or probably anyone else , just stepping in to solve your problems . Does that sound right ? Yeah , that sounds 100% right . So I did that . And then the other thing that I did was that I realized with my clients I would move into like Huh , like what else do you think you could do in that situation , or what are your choices moving forward . And when I did a little more of that , I noticed a shift . Too Right , any idea why that might be when you're on the receiving end and someone says something like that too Lena , why that might be a better approach than problem solving .
Speaker 2Well , I think for me , whether I'm nine or 20 , it's better to have like options of how I would personally go about problem solving . And I think too like , especially from the perspective of a nine year old , like you don't want to necessarily be doing what your parents are telling you to do all the time . So like if you're giving the options of what to do , I feel like it kind of you've seen more agreeable as a parent .
Speaker 1If that makes sense , I don't know if I yeah no , I think that makes sense and , lena , any answer that you give is fantastic , because this is this is just your opinion . I didn't ask you to like research , this or anything , and I think parents are just looking for the perspective of you know , someone who was a kid not that long ago . Yeah , yeah , so that's awesome , thank you . So , if you I hate to even ask you to do this , lena , because it's usually not people's best , happiest time in life but if you think back to your middle school years , oh God , okay , yeah , and just kind of remember a little bit of what that was like for most kids . Right , that's super challenging . But I'm curious for you can you remember if you felt supported by me or if you often felt like I just didn't understand ? And I can take it if you have some criticism , oh God .
Speaker 2Okay , I think in middle school , like being like a 13 , 14 year old , we would get into like arguments or I would tell you about problems with my friends or even just like things that I wanted to wear to school and I don't think you understood Like I mean that with the most peace and love . But looking back now and I kind of see things more from like your perspective , like I definitely think you tried your best to understand and support me , but I think it's just I don't know .
When you're in middle school you kind of feel like the whole world is against you . I remember in middle school switching the clothes I was wearing from like old Navy to Abercrombie and Fitch kids and we would get into like a lot of arguments over things that like were and weren't appropriate to be wearing to like seventh grade and in the moment I remember feeling so angry and like how could you not understand ? But like , looking back , like I had no business trying to wear a tube top to school in eighth grade .
Speaker 1Oh my gosh , okay , I wanna since you brought it up , let's talk about tube top gate , that whole explosive argument that we had . But before we get into that , there was a trend . I think around the time you were in middle school , it became popular to wear leggings with like short shirts . Growing up in the eighties , if you wore leggings , you always wore them with like a big giant top or an oversized sweatshirt or sweater , and that was just the style . If you were to wear leggings with like a short shirt , it was not only like a total fashion faux pas , but it was also considered to be like trampy . I hate to say it , but that's just how it was , right , right .
Speaker 1So I think that's where I was coming from and I wasn't seeing that that was the style . The style had changed . It was actually acceptable and I remember you saying to me mom , I just wanna look like everyone else , I just wanna blend in . You just don't understand . And I did understand when you said that to me because I thought , oh my gosh , like again I get this with my clients , why am I not getting this with my daughter ? And I stopped battling you with the leggings . So I don't know if you even remember that , but I do remember that .
Speaker 2No , I do , I do . However , when I thought it wasn't high school , it wasn't high school with the tube top no honestly , I think it was like it was rush to an air of high school , so like , yeah , I'd consider that .
Speaker 1So this is my memory and then you can let me know you might remember it differently , but my memory is you came down for breakfast and you had on a tube top with an unbuttoned flannel . Oh no , I like know exactly the outfit you're talking about Okay , was that it or was it different ?
Speaker 2No , like it was , there was multiple outfits with the tube tops .
Speaker 1It was January and we live in Connecticut and it was freaking butt-ass cold . And from the point of view of like , oh my God , you're gonna be dress-coded , oh my God , it's freezing out and you refuse to wear a coat because high schoolers in our area refuse to wear coats in the wintertime , like a thing , and also , again , like that was considered like a total fashion faux pas to wear a tube top . That was something like old people wore , that were like stuck in the 70s . I had my reaction coming from all of those places and I remember trying to be common , rational and I wasn't able to stay there long . It got explosive . You were upset , I was upset . Do you remember anything else from that ?
Speaker 2I , the thing is like this wasn't like a one-time thing , like this was an ongoing thing for months . We're like every few weeks I would try again . I know , I know .
Speaker 1And I'd be like what ? Because I think that we had an understanding , like I remember putting my foot down and being like when you are 18 , you can dress however you want , but right now I am your parent . That is against dress code . I do not think it's appropriate , and you cannot wear a tube top . I mean , I'm gonna be completely honest . You can cut this out , if you want . No , I know what you're gonna say , because you've told me this .
Speaker 2Yeah , oh , maybe I did . I remember one day I was like you know what , like I've had enough of this , so I put like a camisole over it and then I took the camisole off on the bus . Boom , where am I to top ?
Speaker 1school and you didn't get dress coded .
Speaker 2No didn't get in trouble because everybody was doing it . That's the thing . It wasn't like just a me thing .
Speaker 1Yes , and I think that's also what I lost sight of . If we could go back in time , I would have found a time that wasn't in the morning , when their you know , time is precious and you're trying to get out the door and emotions are high . I would have found another time to say help me understand why you wanna wear a tube top to school ? Right , and we could have talked about it . I still would have said I wasn't comfortable with it and the answer was no , you still would have snuck it . But one thing I think I did a good job with is I would say to you with other things that were questionable , but not like a tube top , I would say I think that's against dress code . If you choose to wear that , I suggest you put something else in your backpack , because I'm not coming to bring you clothing if you get in trouble . Yeah , do you remember that ?
Speaker 2I do . I mean , I was never dressed like they were very lax about it , but I do remember having that conversation with you .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 1Okay so , getting back to how to get your kids to open up and talk to you , I think , like I just said , if I could go back in time to sit down with you and really deeply understand why it was that you wanted to wear a tube top to school and really listen , and I could have showed you that I was listening by probably saying things like wow , I understand you wanna wear what everyone else is wearing . It sounds like you know , fashion has changed , as it always does , and that's popular . Now , if I had really heard your concerns in a deep way or heard your desires , maybe and I don't know , you can talk to this maybe you would have also like compromised with me in some way . Maybe we could have decided on like where would it ?
Speaker 1be , okay to wear a tube top ? Or are there certain days in school when it's okay ? Or maybe I would have just lightened up to Lena and said , wow , if really other people are doing this , what if you just always have a backup shirt in your backpack ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I mean I feel like the third option . Probably I would have listened to that the most , because I think , especially being like not like I was a very combative teenager , but just like I don't know you're a teenager , like you're not wanting to listen to what your mom's fashion advice is Like , I think that probably would have been the best option .
Speaker 1Yeah , that totally makes sense . I think so too . Oh , it's hard . It can be really hard , I think , both as a teen , a preteen and a parent . So all those roles can be really hard . Can you think of anything I did positively , because you do share a lot with me , lena , and I'm so grateful for that , and you always have what have I done correctly or in a way that you do feel comfortable coming to me and talking to me about things ?
Speaker 2I think I actually was thinking about this the other day because I was like I feel like this question will be asked . I think part of it is that you do work with like teens and college kids , so I feel like you do probably have more of an understanding than like the average parent , if that makes sense , yeah , but like even now , like I feel like our relationship is pretty open , Like if I'm having like boy problems , like I'll come and like tell you about that , or like I don't know . Yeah , like I feel like I tell you pretty much everything that goes on in my life . But I think the main thing is like I don't ever feel judged by you . Like sometimes they'll be like oh Lena , that wasn't really the best idea . But like I don't ever feel like you , think I'm like I don't know going down the wrong path or like a bad person , if that makes sense .
Speaker 1Oh gosh . Well , yes , I'm so glad that you don't ever feel like I think you're a bad person or going down the wrong path . I never think that , and that's lovely . I'm also glad to hear you . You just don't feel judged by
me . Yeah , I think that that is a mistake that parents do make , and I get it . I really do , because I think it comes from a place of fear .
Speaker 1I'm thinking of a client that I met with with their mom , and this is a person about your age , lena , whose whose mom is having some different how do I say this like has different morals than I think the child does . And the child did you know nothing . Quote , unquote wrong , but it felt wrong to the parent and the parent expressed that in a way of saying like I don't even know who you are anymore and I could .
Speaker 1I could see the hurt on that young adult's face and , you know , continued working with with the two and really what it came down to was , you know that's that's not what I believe and that's not how I wish you would live your life . But the beautiful thing was being in a therapy session . We could explore like , can that be okay and yes , I can see where that's hard as a parent , but can that also be okay that you've raised this child to be able to make different choices ?
Speaker 2Right .
Speaker 1You know that are not like illegal or anything like that Destructive , yeah Right right and this person is being safe and they're just different choices , right .
Speaker 1But I think sometimes parents have a big reaction because it's A not how they pictured you behaving or B different than how they behaved when they were young . Right , I know . For for Nana , right , my mom and I think that she was really much more of a rule follower in many ways than I was growing up and I really rebelled in a lot of ways and she didn't understand that and that caused her to be really afraid and she would express that in a way that then I I internalize that as judgment and so , because it doesn't feel good to be judged by someone , then I would not share things with her . So , yeah , I wish we had had someone to help walk us through that , because I think it really wouldn't have been hard to better understand each other , but we just unfortunately didn't at that time . So , right , yeah , you know , I also think , lena , kind of along these same lines , like I'm thinking of , one time you told me something a friend did and it was like a risky choice to make in their home . That's all I'm going to say .
Speaker 2I know you know what I'm talking about . No , I don't , I don't want to .
Speaker 1I don't want to give anything away in case this friend like listens or anything . Was it recently ? No , you were in high school and it all right , I'll say it and have them cut it out . No , I'll just say it involved a friend of yours being intimate in a way with , I'll just say , boyfriend or girlfriend . I don't want to give anything away . When family members were home .
Speaker 2Oh , I don't even . I think I know who you're talking about . Oh my gosh .
Speaker 1And you told me , and I went to a place of like , oh my God , they have a younger sibling . The younger sibling could have walked in , but I kept a neutral face . I remember this right , I totally kept a neutral face and a neutral tone of voice and it was really hard for me to do because I wanted to be like , oh my God , why would this person do that ? What if the you know little sibling walked in , or a parent walked in ? But I stayed calm and I just said to you huh , what do you think about that ? And you said like , oh my God , I don't understand why they did that . Like pretty much the same thing . Now I think if I had had that big reaction , that could have turned you off from telling me things in the future and made you defensive in a way of like you're overreacting instead , because I was able to say like , oh , what do you think of that ?
Speaker 2You actually really had the same reaction , yeah , and honestly too , as you're saying that , I definitely think like being in college now , when I'll like call you and be like oh my God , like guess what happened last night ? Like , and you're neutral about it , I feel like I definitely feel more comfortable telling you things , versus if you were like oh my god , but you know what I mean . Yes , right , because again .
Speaker 1No one likes that . Right , Right , no , exactly , yeah . And I remember being a young person and I remember times that , like you know , your grandparents had really neutral reactions and that was helpful . And I remember times when , like I crashed the car and dad had you know , papa had a big reaction which under like I look back , I was borrowing my mother's car Like , yeah , it totally made sense that he had a big reaction . But also those times like when we as parents have really big reactions . I think usually young people then make the decision of like , oh , I'm not like coming to you again in the future . This doesn't feel good . Exactly , yeah , sounds like you're agreeing . Yeah , absolutely , so yeah . Also , are there ever times because I see this a lot with my clients where you have come to me and wanted to tell me something really good and exciting in your life and felt like the reaction that I gave was not what you were looking for ?
Speaker 2Honestly no , and I'm not just saying that Like I like today , I guess I like found out , I got my summer internship again . And I was like pretty monotone about it . I was like , okay , that's cool . And you were like , oh , my God , that's so exciting . We have to go out to dinner and celebrate . And I was like , oh , like that was like a very big , nice reaction , like I wasn't really expecting that , but I don't know , I don't ever really feel like you're undermining anything I'm excited about .
Speaker 1Yeah , Well , that's , that's good to hear . Yeah , and I do .
You know , I'm going to just switch gears a little bit , going back to parents having big reactions rather than neutral reactions and , like you , sharing how you'll call me from college sometimes and say like oh , this thing happened .
Speaker 1There are times when I do have a part of me that feels concerned and I will say basically that , right , we're all say okay . So , like you sound like you're comfortable with this situation , there is a part of me that is having a concern . Can I share that with you ? Sometimes I might not even ask . I'll say there is a part of me having a concern and here's what that concern is . Yeah , you know , I think it's hard because , of course , I'm 51 , you're 20 , going on 21 . So I have 30 years on you .
Speaker 1And your prefrontal cortex is starting to fully fall .
Speaker 2I feel it developing every day , I feel like it becomes a little more developed .
Speaker 1I love that . I love that . Lena , when I talked to you and you're like I'm feeling my prefrontal cortex developing , the pieces are clicking , I think it totally is I noticed that your moods are more stable , like you don't go from like highs and lows quite as much Okay , that you can manage and just kind of be a little bit nicer at times , like , even though you're having big feelings and I say this with so much love because I remember Papa calling me the ice queen and I was just known to be like like just really feeling my feelings and making them evident when I was young . It's hard , it's definitely a hard time , for sure .
Speaker 1But yeah , and I want to say to you that typically I think you hear that well , when I pose it that way , if I have a concern and I'll say like , oh well , can I share a concern ? Or here's a concern that's coming up and I trust you know now you're 20 , you're not 14 , you're not a freshman in high school , you're a junior in college . So I will say , like , you get to live your life , you get to make the choices that you want to make , and I will always honor that as long as you're not , you know , hurting yourself or someone else , but also like here's a concern that I have and I'll share that , and then I'll say , okay , I've shared that . Now you get to , of course , decide that can be hard as a parent , but I think like I just don't know another way forward to keep our connection . I know that if I rant and rave and make a big deal like , that's not going to make you necessarily change your mind , right ? I mean ?
Speaker 2I will say like I guess the things where , like , I'm having a concern , like I think to not like pat myself in the back , but I was like never the kid , that was like doing illegal things or like getting in trouble at school and like even now , like you know what I mean . So like I think any concern you have isn't really like anything . That's that concerning , like you know what I mean . That's a great point . Thank you for saying that .
Speaker 1Yes , yes , no , thank you , You're absolutely right . Yeah , I think that there are other kids believe me , I've I've definitely known them and I definitely was one too that really are doing risky , dangerous things when parents are going to have to have other , more difficult conversations . Right , and like that's not . Yeah , that's a great point . Just have to like preface that that's a great point . No , I have to tell you , lena , I'm so proud of you and I'm so grateful for you really being a overall , a really good decision maker . I think you do a great job thinking through to possible consequences and outcomes before you take action and things , and I'm so grateful for that because , of course , I think that's you know , I don't want to say a better , but I think that's a way to live life that does typically cause less pain and suffering .
Speaker 1For you , exactly , yeah . For yourself and others , yeah for sure , all right . So if you could wave a magic wand and make parents do just one thing to help make and keep a strong relationship with their teenager , what would it be ?
Speaker 2I know , it's a hard question Having the time of my life on this podcast . No , I'm being that serious Like I like . No , I'm being that serious , so I'm having a great time .
Speaker 2Like have me on every week , please . Awesome , let's do it . I feel like being maybe , maybe trying to think from their perspective , like putting themselves in their shoes . I feel like you've always done like a pretty decent job at doing that , and I love dad . Dad's like a great father , but I definitely think sometimes he doesn't listen to like the perspective of like a 20 year old in college . You know what I mean ? Yeah , yeah , so yeah , and like I love dad , but like I don't always go to him with certain things because I feel like he just like doesn't really get it . But I feel like you definitely get it a little bit more . So definitely just trying to put yourself , I guess , in your kids shoes , trying to understand where they're coming from , which we did talk about earlier .
Speaker 1Yeah , but no , I think that it's okay to talk about that again , Lena , because you know , I asked the one thing you could make parents do , so it sounds like that's really an important one to really be able to really see things through your children's eyes , whether they're a tween , a teen , a young adult , and then , I guess , to really convey that to them , right To not just see it but to say something like , wow , I can really see how . I'm just thinking of a class you took .
Speaker 1I can really see how macroeconomics was so challenging and I can really see that you studied really hard and that you went to class and that you went for extra help and met with your teacher , and it sounds to me like you did everything you could do to pass that class and if you don't pass that class , we'll figure it out . We're here to support you Right , which I think is something I did say because you were scared you were not going to pass . However , you did , you just made Dean's list . So I think that goes back to yes , you are a very good decision maker and you're a very responsible kid who does make many good choices , and I'm super grateful for that . And again , like I wasn't that kid . So if there are parents listening now to think like , oh , she's got it easy , you know , lena is clearly oh my God stop .
Speaker 1Lena is clearly a fantastic young person . I work with so many fantastic young people that also don't easily think through the consequences , that make impulsive decisions , that get themselves into pickles quite a bit , and I was also one of those kids as well and there's always progress and maturing and healing and learning right . I mean , I've got a podcast called your Zen Friend . Am I always Zen ? No , but I'm way more Zen than I was as a young person . So I want those parents to know that there is , there's always hope that kids are gonna turn out to be just fine and they can celebrate kids right where they're at , because even those kids that are struggling have great parts and great attributes to celebrate .
Speaker 1So we talked about how parents can validate feelings like oh , I can see where that's hard . How parents can also not rush into giving suggestions but instead maybe say something like what are your choices or how do you think you could move forward ? And that just reminds me , too , of just right out asking are you looking for a suggestion or do you want me to just listen ? I know that usually is received well with you , and then , if you say a suggestion , you typically are open to it , and then I love what you're saying , lena . If you could change just one thing , it would be that parents really put themselves in their kids' shoes and I would say and definitely convey that to them , even if they disagree .
Speaker 1Right Back to the tube top . Even if I had just said , wow , it's really hard for you to not be able to wear a tube top when you see other people wearing that , and unfortunately , I believe in following the dress code and I don't feel comfortable giving you permission for that , but I can see where that's really hard . I think that makes a little bit of a difference , even if we still can't sign off on it . Any other thoughts , lena , on how parents can get their kids to talk to them or keep them talking to them ?
Speaker 2No , I don't really have that many .
Speaker 1Try to think no , I think this is good .
Speaker 2I guess kind of like last thing , basically going off what I said before , just like keeping an open mind , being open minded . Obviously , if your kids like coming to you telling you that they did something like terrible , that's like a different story . But I don't know . Like I said before , I feel like you've always been very open minded with a lot of things I've shared with you , so I guess kind of the same thing goes for every parent just trying to be accepting , open minded .
Speaker 1Awesome , that's beautiful . Yeah , and I guess that goes back to not having big reactions , trying to be neutral and parents to really give themselves permission to remain neutral as best they can , and even if they say , wow , this is something I have to give thought to , can we talk about this later If they don't know how to react in the moment . That's okay . And I think also , I hope parents will forgive themselves for when they don't do these things perfectly , because I don't always do these things perfectly . Nobody does . How do you feel about that , lena ? Parents being kind to themselves , is that okay ? Yes , that is okay .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Oh , that's awesome . I'm so glad that you came on the show today , Lena . I'm so grateful . You're having me . I'm so grateful because I think that this will be really helpful for parents and always and forever . I'm just so grateful for you . I love you so much .
Speaker 2Love you , love you more . Hopefully this is the second most listened to episode .
Speaker 1Let's go for it , fingers crossed . I hope that you found that interview helpful and found Lena's insight helpful in a way that you can apply it to dealing with your tweens and teens and have a stronger connection with them where they will open up and share with you . Just want to also mention that everybody's different . I've got two kids . I parent them in very similar ways and my son , aiman , is just much quieter and more reserved . He does not share everything with me but he does come to me if there really is something big in life where he maybe needs a little parent support . So I've learned to trust that over the years to see he comes to me when he needs to and we have a beautiful connection in many ways , even though he's not telling me all the nitty gritty . We find other ways to stay connected and I'm happy to talk about that on another episode how you can also find deep connection with those kids that you might have that aren't really big on sharing things with you . I do hope today's insight from Lena was helpful and what we discussed as far as really being able to keep that connection with your kids , where they will start talking to you and keep talking to you . A great big thank you to Suzanne for her amazing editing . Until next time , friend , I hope you'll take some time today and every day to do something kind for yourself . Ooh , you're still there . I'm so glad you are , because maybe you've got time for another podcast and I've got just the podcast for
you .
Speaker 1My friend , ann Coleman , who is an attorney turned parent educator , has a fantastic podcast . It's called Speaking of Teens , and she gets into it . Moodyness , internet porn , vaping , mean girls , lying , emotional meltdowns , sneaking out , anxiety , depression , school refusal the list goes on . If you're a parent of a teen or a tween , chances are you've dealt with at least some of those issues . Well , ann has dealt with it too , and she is super candid in talking about her own challenges when she was raising her now young adult son . She tells you what she did and what she wishes she did instead . She also has fantastic guest episodes , so check it out . Ann drops a new episode two times a week and I think you'll love her podcast as much as I do . Go to your podcast app , wherever you listen to podcasts , and search for Speaking of Teens with Ann Coleman , and I guarantee you'll get some great , research-based tips and strategies that will make parenting at least a little bit easier .