Do you love your tween or teen but not always like them ? Are you finding it hard not to lose your temper on a pretty daily basis , and do you miss those times of sweet snuggles and sloppy kisses when your kid was younger ? If you answered yes , you are not alone . This is a really challenging time to parent when you're parenting a tween or teen , and while this stage will not last forever , you might have a number of years ahead and already be wondering how the heck am I going to make it through . Well , do not despair , because this episode has some actionable things that you can do to help manage stress and big emotions that often come with parenting tweens and teens . I'll tell you what you can do to help keep your patience and stay calm , cool and collected with your kids , at least most of the time , and , of course , that's going to help you have a better experience parenting and more calm in your everyday . And stay tuned till the end , where I will give you a pretty unconventional strategy that I think you might have a lot of fun with and , at the very least , you'll get a laugh from .
Speaker 1Welcome to your Zen Friend , a podcast for parents of tweens and teens who want less conflict and more zen in their lives . I'm your host , lauren Wolfe , a mental health therapist who has worked with families for more than 20 years . I have found the secret to enjoying the challenging years of parenting tweens and teens is to make and keep healthy connections with your kids while also caring for yourself . If you want to be a good parent , raise a great human and find some peace and calm along the way , then listen in . Let's get started . Welcome , zen Friend . I hope , wherever you are , you are doing well . If you are a listener who has listened in the past , you might have noticed that the intro is different . This is a situation of new look , but same great taste . At least that's what I'm aiming for . I will continue to bring you content on parenting , as well as content that helps you to boost your own mental health and well-being , but just wanted to both get better clarity for myself on what I'm aiming to bring you on this podcast and also give that clarity to listeners . I know that some of you are actually not parents that are listeners , and I just want to say of course you are always welcome . I am grateful to any of you listening . I'm so glad you're here and I invite you to continue on this journey . If my content speaks to you , then I am very grateful and glad to be connecting with you .
Speaker 1Something else you might notice as you listen to the podcast today and going forward is that I have created segments for my solo episodes . I love me some structure and I think this will help me to not get lost in the weeds while I am creating the shows . I also hope that you will enjoy the segments . I have tried to make them fun , so you'll notice two segments today , including one you have heard before . I have , on some other episodes in the past , had what is bringing me more Zen lately . Going forward , I'm going to have that at the end of every solo episode and I'll also aim , as long as I remember , to ask guests that question when I'm interviewing them as well . That's been something that I've gotten feedback from many of you that you've enjoyed , and I enjoy that segment too , so why not make it an official segment ? I have another segment that you will notice on this episode that will be in some future episodes as well , and I'm calling that a self-care suggestion , and that is exactly what it sounds when I share something that is really speaking to me and giving me self-care . That is enjoyable and I'm just giving you an invitation to try it as well .
Speaker 1On this episode , we are going to be talking about the necessity and I mean necessity of blowing off steam while you are raising tweens and teens . There are many challenges to parenting , but raising tweens in teens is especially difficult at times because you are often receiving eye rolls and pushback and attitude . My mother used to constantly tell me to lose the attitude . Lauren , anyone else out there ? Or was that just me ? And it's not just as rewarding as it often was when your kids were young . And don't get me wrong , raising young children can be really challenging as well , but you're often getting a lot of love from your children . I remember when my daughter went through at least a year , maybe two years , where she would put little pictures that she drew or love notes . I remember sometimes getting a seashell on my pillow at the end of the day and little kids just think you are the bomb diggity . Even though little kids get upset with parents , especially when they're not given what they want , being called a poopy head mommy doesn't usually hurt in the same way as when your tween says everyone thinks you are so nice , but they are wrong . They don't know what you're really like . Ouch , I have been called both a poopy head mommy and had that other insult slung my way that people don't really know , and I'll tell you . The second one definitely hurt a lot more , so let's take a short
break .
Speaker 1When we come back , we will talk about the importance of blowing off steam on a regular basis and how you can do that . One way in particular is also being highlighted in my self-care suggestion , and I think you will have a lot of fun with it . So stay tuned . Hey there , zen friend , I so appreciate you listening to this podcast and if I could ask two favors of you , please , if you would take a moment to rate and review this podcast on either Apple or Spotify , that helps other Zen friends to find us and that will help me to grow the show and bring on fabulous guests . If you could also share it with a friend , that is another really effective way of helping the show to grow . It is my mission to help parents to fill their own cup and boost their own mental health and overall well-being , so I very much appreciate your help . Now let's get back to our show . Welcome back .
Speaker 1I like to do an exercise with my tween and teen counseling clients that I call blowing off steam . For this exercise we draw a tea kettle and I'll take a moment to say here shockingly enough , some of my teenage clients and tween clients have no idea what a tea kettle is . This is shocking to me . Growing up in the 70s and 80s , do you all know what a tea kettle is ? I'm hoping that you do . But we draw a tea kettle , which of course , is something that is often kept on the stovetop . Sometimes a tea kettle can be plugged in on the countertop , but of course the idea is there's a spout that has a hole and as the water gets hot and then boils , the steam comes out of that hole . So I draw that with my clients and we talk about what would happen if there was no spout , there was no hole , and of course they get this pretty quickly that the teapot would explode . Whammo , big disaster . We definitely don't want that to happen , hence the spout . So I use this metaphor to help my kids understand that , just like a tea kettle , we can be under a lot of pressure and we can be at risk of exploding . And for humans , exploding will look different . It will look like losing our temper , maybe it looks like yelling or saying something mean .
Speaker 1Twins and teens are experiencing changes in their brain developmentally . So during those years of you know it's different for everyone , but probably somewhere along the lines of 10 or 11 , all the way up to the early or mid 20s , the brain is changing , hormones are changing as well and this can cause for kids to be super dysregulated with emotions . So I know that's fancy , fancy counselor talk . What does that look like ? That looks like a child being happy one second and the next minute yelling and crying and then minutes later being calm and relaxed . This is so hard on kids . It is so difficult for them to manage these quickly changing emotions and for them to know it's a small potato problem or not a big deal , but to be feeling feelings like it's the end of the world . You know who , you know who else . This is hard for . Of course , this is hard for us as parents . We are often on the receiving end of these big emotions . Kids will take things out on us at times when it just feels so Uncomfortable to put the blame on them to say , gee , I have no idea why I just made this small thing into a big giant thing . So I'll give you a concrete example of this .
Speaker 1Imagine that it's the morning time and your kids getting ready for school and let's say this is a teenager who can't find his student ID and he's getting further and further upset and kind of banging things around and then starts losing it by Blaming you . You're always moving things . You probably moved it . I never know where anything is . You're always just putting things in new places , even though you had nothing to do with this and you've got no idea where the student ID is . So that's hard , right . It's hard to keep your cool , and Maybe you start out with lots of love and patience and Understanding that your child's trying to get to school on time and he's feeling just a lot of stress and pressure . But as your child continues to insult you and be nasty , it is really common to lose it yourself . And now that might look like saying something mean to your child's , like I can't believe you're blaming me . This is ridiculous . You can't keep track of anything . You're always losing things . How dare you put this on me , right ? And then what happens for many of us after we now lose it on them ? Well , now they're fully blaming us and now they have some right to , because we've just Then mean to them , we've essentially met their emotional dysregulation with our own . And Then your kid goes off to school and you probably feel ashamed . This is not how any of us , or at least most of us , intend to parent .
Speaker 1At some point in this parenting journey that I am describing to you , I discovered that it wasn't going to just magically get any easier anytime soon . I was noticing lots of emotional dysregulation with my kids and Noticing that I was often losing it right along with them . I wanted very badly to remain in control and in leadership and to parent from a place of kindness and love , and this is where I discovered it was absolutely positively necessary for me to have a way that I could blow off steam . So back to that tea kettle , and what I found for me is Maybe also going to be something you relate to and maybe not . And if you don't , then keep listening , don't go anywhere , because I've got some other suggestions for you as well . If you're a longtime listener , this won't surprise you .
Speaker 1I Discovered that exercising for me became non Negotiable , for as much as it could be right , things come up when the kids were younger . I would work out here and there . But as I had two kids in the throes of Teenagerhood 1 teen , 1 tween , lots of eye rolling , lots of big emotions , lots of emotional dysregulation and Me just going to bed feeling defeated many nights I Found that if I made between 30 to 60 minutes that day to work out , I had a lot more patience . I had a better ability to Not join in to the emotional regulation or emotional dysregulation . I'm sorry . So I would be better able to say I trust you'll find your student ID , or just better yet , remain quiet as they looked for it .
Speaker 1Maybe , if time was going on , say would you like me to help you look and then just ignored all the other stuff , all the . This is probably your fault . You probably put it somewhere . You're always moving things . Just ignore it . Just look and ignore it and then later , maybe later that evening when my kid was home from school and calm , then say hey , you this morning . I know you were feeling stressed about your student ID , but look , turns out you found it in your pocket . I would really love an apology , right , and now we can talk about it more rationally . Or I would really love going forward if you didn't put the blame on me when you're feeling stressed . You know , have a conversation of expectations of I will do my best to be kind and respectful to you , or kind and polite . I feel kids can often understand that better than respectful and I ask that you do your best to be kind and polite to me . I get it that you were upset . Moving on , you don't need to have a big giant discussion and maybe your kid doesn't apologize . But they hear it , they hear the expectation . You've said it in a calm way . You're saying it at a time when they can hear you and they're not in the throes of anxiety . So again for me , just taking that time .
Speaker 1I found a bar studio nearby and just found that I loved that form of exercise . I loved community . I loved the loud , pulsating pop music . It fed me in a way that made me feel taken care of and just gave me more patience during this difficult time . Meditation is also something that's been really helpful to me . I am sometimes better at making time for exercising . Although I have been definitely better this year I'm holding strong so far in 2024 at meditating regularly . I definitely see a huge difference in being able to pause before responding when I meditate . So those two things for me have been super helpful , and exercise in particular became something that I just did regularly and I still do , and it really enhances my life . So I invite you to find something that works for you If you are inclined to exercise or try exercising .
Speaker 1I've got two episodes that might be helpful for you . Episode 23 talked about the benefits of group fitness . That was with Janine Parsons . If you're local to Fairfield County , connecticut , come check out her awesome studio bar boutique such awesome ladies there . Or episode number 61 , I had a great interview with Lauren George , who is a fitness instructor and who has a fantastic online membership that is only like $12.99 , I think , a month and she has so many workouts to choose from . So check out her episode and maybe join her program . I'll see you on her Facebook group because that group is a lot of fun and definitely great encouragement to keep showing up . Lauren's got great challenges . So , yeah , check it out .
Speaker 1Maybe exercise is not your thing , or just not organized fitness . Maybe yoga is more your thing I guess still organized fitness , but very different from bar or hip workouts . Or maybe hiking and getting outside , or maybe just getting out in nature . I have many friends that find they blow off steam by getting out in nature on a regular basis , maybe taking hot baths or reading , or reading in a hot bath . I do like to do that sometimes . Maybe , instead of yoga that is more physical , like powered yoga , you like slow , restorative yoga . That can be a fantastic way to calm the nervous system . Maybe you like prayer and being part of a prayer group or just having regular get-togethers with friends . I also have friends that really leaned into writing . They are writers and spent a good amount of time writing or reflecting while raising teenagers . And I have another friend who is a musician and she wrote music and played her guitar Still does , but I think there was a bit of a pause where she didn't do that as much when the kids were little and then picked that back up . There are also support groups , and now that there are so many resources online , I bet you can even find an online support group . It is one of my goals to have some online offerings of where we can work together in the near future . I'm working on that . Stay tuned for that .
Speaker 1I'm sure there are many other ways to blow off steam and I look forward to hearing from you , so I hope you'll reach out and let me know do you have a regular practice , a way that you blow off steam , or are you going to try something that I've mentioned today ? Well , that brings me to my self-care suggestion . It has to do with blowing off steam . Something I invite you to try . That is not a formal practice of mine , but something I do on a very regular basis is to swear .
Swearing is so motherf-freakin' cathartic . I enjoy it tremendously . Now , I'm not saying to swear at your children or in front of your children , but maybe with a partner or friend who won't be offended , maybe alone in your car . You can just let the curse words fly , maybe muttering underneath your breath , if you can do it quietly enough that the children are unable to hear you . Or you can even just keep those curse words in your thought bubble but just think them nonetheless . I find that less cathartic , but sometimes it's the only way to go .
Speaker 1I do believe that most of my friends are individuals that enjoy creative swearing as much as I do . My dear friend Tara . We've been friends since we were nine years old . We both look like very sweet , demure people we are in many cases , but when we get together we swear like truck drivers . Same with my friend Lori , who lives in Florida and has been on many an episode with me . We swear over the telephone quite constantly .
Speaker 1Swearing is one of my most favorite ways to just blow off a little tiny bit of steam . Imagine that exercise . For me it blows off a ton of steam , but if I just need to blow off a little bit during the day , swearing is my go-to . I think it can be fun to get imaginative and creative with swearing phrases that are probably less creative but nonetheless just as cathartic . Include is she believe in kidding me ? This is believe in ridiculous . If he does that one more time I'm going to bleeping snap like a twig . For bleep's sake , those little bleepers better knock it off before I lose my bleeping bleep . And my favorite go-to is the very classic mother . You know what her , you know what it is . That is my favorite . I say that probably 400 times a day if it's a rough one , if you don't swear on a regular basis . This is my self-care suggestion try it . It doesn't just bring me calm , it brings me mother freak and joy . The middle schooler in me loves to use curse words , so let me know if you try this and , if so , how it goes .
Speaker 1You can connect with me . My favorite way to connect is on Facebook . We've got an awesome Facebook group . Just go to Facebook groups and search for your Zen friend . You can shoot me an email at yourzenfriendpod at gmailcom , and you can also find me on Instagram . I am not amazing with Instagram . I probably check that twice a week , but you can find me over there at your Zen friend pod . At your Zen friend pod , it's time for what's bringing me more Zen , and that is my squirrel buster plus squirrel proof bird feeder . You know your old when .
Speaker 1I love seeing the birds , we had to give up our bird feeder between the months of . Well , I'll say it this way we only have bird feeders out now between December to March , when the bears are at least supposed to be sleeping . Fingers crossed they are . We had a bear come into our yard and bend our rod iron hook that the bird feeder hangs from Like just bent it down like it was nothing . And having dogs , we just can't take the chance . It's not safe for people either . Yes , of course I care about my family as well . Sounds like I love the dogs more Sometimes . Yeah , so we are doing our best to be responsible and we no longer have bird feeders all year round , which I miss .
Speaker 1And I tell you what this bird feeder is amazing . We tried probably at least four other feeders until we found this one . This one truly is just a bird feeder that the squirrels can't get on and eat from , so they won't destroy it , you'll save money and , look , they can eat some of the seeds that fall down . So I don't feel all that bad , but it's really fun and brings me a lot of joy to see the cardinals and the different woodpeckers that we get . We get these beautiful little downy woodpeckers and all these great birds that are native to New England . So again , if you're somewhere where you can have a bird feeder or maybe you can at least have one from December to March now is the time . We only have a little time left and it really is just a gift to see those beautiful birds coming into our backyard . So I will have a link in the show notes if you would like to check out that bird feeder .
Speaker 1As always , a great big thank you to Suzanne , our amazing editor , and a reminder that a drop of Zen , a short guided meditation , comes out every Friday . So make sure you follow the podcast wherever you listen to podcasts , and you will get a new episode every Tuesday and a drop of Zen , a short guided meditation , every Friday . Until next time , friend , I hope you'll take some time today and every day to do something kind for yourself and maybe try swearing . You'll enjoy it . Ooh , you're still there . I'm so glad you are , because maybe you've got time for another podcast and I've got just the podcast for you .
My friend , ann Coleman , who is an attorney turned parent educator , has a fantastic podcast . It's called Speaking of Teens , and she gets into it . Moodyness , internet porn , vaping , mean girls , lying , emotional meltdown , sneaking out , anxiety , depression , school refusal the list goes on . If you're a parent of a teen or a tween , chances are you've dealt with at least some of those issues . Well , ann has dealt with it too , and she is super candid in talking about her own challenges when she was raising her now young adult son . She tells you what she did and what she wishes she did instead . She also has fantastic guest episodes , so check it out . Ann drops a new episode two times a week and I think you'll love her podcast as much as I do . Go to your podcast app wherever you listen to podcasts and search for Speaking of Teens with Ann Coleman and I guarantee you'll get some great research based tips and strategies that will make parenting at least a little bit easier .