A Common Life
Welcome to A Common Life where Morgan and Taylor offer month-by-month gardening advice to help your garden thrive. We also share our personal journey in seasonal living, aiming to foster a deeper connection with others, nature, and our Creator. Our hope is to encourage and equip others who are on a similar journey and to provide a space for community around these ideals.
A Common Life
Podcast Book Series: Home-Making by J.R. Miller. Ch. 4 The Parent's Part
"Parenting is not just a role; it’s a profound influence that shapes the heart and soul of a home. We promise you'll gain invaluable insights from JR Miller's "Homemaking" as we discuss parenting's pivotal role in nurturing a loving and Christ-like environment. We challenge the cultural norm of outsourcing parental duties, emphasizing the irreplaceable value of being present and intentional in our children's growth and education. By prioritizing character development over merely enforcing good behavior, we explore how parents can truly transform their homes into sanctuaries of growth and love.
Transitioning from living for oneself to dedicating life to raising children can be an emotional journey filled with silent struggles and unspoken triumphs. We candidly address the tension between nurturing children and maintaining one's identity, acknowledging the shame and sadness that sometimes accompanies this shift. Through personal reflections and cultural insights, we aim to lift the veil on these struggles, sharing a poignant image of unseen support in the form of angels completing a weary parent's work. Accepting our imperfections while striving to do our best is a recurring theme, offering comfort and understanding to parents navigating this complex journey.
A nurturing home environment goes beyond aesthetics, involving active engagement and shared experiences that build treasured memories. We highlight the significance of fathers actively participating in their children's lives and the power of simple courtesies and affection in family interactions. The dynamics between parents significantly influence children's behavior, and we advocate for an atmosphere of love and cultural enrichment within the home. Excitingly, we ponder the idea of involving children in future segments, especially with Wendell's anticipated enthusiasm, leaving us eager for the joyful possibilities this could bring to our discussions."
Find the book Home-Making by J.R. Miller here.
Find us Elsewhere:
Instagram - @_ACommonLife - Morgan
Community Newsletter - The Common
Taylor on Substack
DM us on the Socials or email us at Taylor@acommonlife.co or Morgan@acommonlife.co
Music on the podcast was composed by Kevin Dailey. The artist is Garden Friend. The track is the instrumental version of “On a Cloud”
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of A Common Life Podcast. I am Taylor and I'm here with my beautiful bride Morgan. Hello, and we are. Did you get back to stuttered there? What's the name of the book? The Homemaker, homemaking by JR Miller.
Speaker 1:Homemaking by JR Miller. Yeah, we've had a little gap. It's Christmas time right now as we are recording this, and so we're jumping back into it and it's just so rich. So good, so good. We're doing the parents part this episode. If you haven't listened to the others, you don't have to do it in order necessarily, but they do kind of build on one another. We've done the wife's part, the husband's part, the introduction the mayor it.
Speaker 2:What was the first one?
Speaker 1:Something about the marriage part, the wedded life, the wedded life, the marriage part. So we talked and we're going to do a little different structure. You might notice it, you might not. But yeah, with that said, I'll pass the ball to you.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, with that said I'll pass the ball to you, okay. Well, this chapter it's interesting because you would think I would catch on. But with each chapter I'm kind of expecting like how to's, like, oh, the parents part. Yeah, we're gonna get some how to's, but it's just not the way JR Miller rolls and it's so much more depth and beautiful than how to's with parenting, you know. Yeah. So he starts by basically, the chapter is what is the parents part in making the home and the life? Is what is the parent's part in making the home and the life?
Speaker 2:There's a whole lot of talk about home, um, but the making of the home being the parent's responsibility, um, he says parents hold the making of the home in their own hands and God holds them responsible for it. Own hands and God holds them responsible for it. So I love this quote here on page 107. If you don't hear anything else in this whole episode, this paragraph kind of sums it up and also is just really beautiful. So he says what we want to do with our children is not merely to control them and to keep them in order, but to implant true principles deep in their hearts which shall rule their whole lives, to shape their character from within into Christ-like beauty and to make of them noble men and women, strong for battle and for duty. They are to be trained rather than to be governed. Growth of character, not merely good behavior, is the object of all home governing and teaching. Therefore, the home influence is far more important than the home laws, and the parents' lives are of more moment than their teachings.
Speaker 1:So good.
Speaker 2:It's so good. It reminds me of, I mean, even, like I just said at the beginning, not a how to, but we're wanting deep roots to grow within our kids' hearts into Christ-like beauty. And Charlotte Mason talks a lot about how children are born persons, and so it's not just like they're this clay that we get to mold ourselves into what we want in a kid, but more so that they are a born person that God created and then it's. It's a training. You know we are responsible for training, but they are, I mean, even if I mean, if you have multiple children or around multiple children, they're obviously different every one of them, you know yeah, you know who I think of, who the principal at our school, and how much she would love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, mm-hmm. We're very blessed to have a school, that we get to participate in their education a lot and love our school community and just thinking about the principal, because she's very intentional with the kids, about training them and instilling principles onto their heart, biblical principles and uh, I just that's what I was thinking about so I love what he talks about there, where he's, where he says you know, it's less about the behavior and more about their heart.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And less about governing and more about training, which One of the things that stood out to me early on in the book is when he addresses fathers and he says in particular he talks about, he says, he says Socrates used to say that he wondered how men who were so careful of the training of a cult, a horse, how they were indifferent to the education of their own children.
Speaker 1:Yet even in these Christian days, men are found, men professing to be followers of Christ and to believe in the superiority of life itself to all things else, who give infinitely more thought and pains to the raising of cattle, the growing of crops, the building up of business than to the training of their children.
Speaker 2:That's good. Yeah, and today you could say you know, gives more thought to the politics of the day, or their Twitter feed, or you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean. I think it's definitely convicting for me too, because it can be easy to focus so much on things outside the home. They can feel so important, so heavy, so pressing, and my energy, my thought life, the best part of me can go to the people outside of the house outside of the home.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:There. He's talking specifically about education and he talks about you know. One of the things that you said that you wanted to discuss was Can we go there? Yeah, yeah, you highlighted that the object of the home is to build up manhood and womanhood. This work of training belongs to the parents and cannot be transferred yeah.
Speaker 2:when I read that, I just I wrote in the margin that our culture hires out, hires this out, yeah our culture has tried to hire this out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like that's. A lot of parents nowadays think that that's the job, that's somebody else's job to educate my kids, I mean. What do you think, though? I mean, are you saying you should only homeschool?
Speaker 2:no, um, I watch my children's teachers because at one point I mean, we were planning on homeschooling, that was the plan and the Lord brought this little classical school into our view. But I watch them and I'm like, wow, or like you know, virginia will read to me what she's done in that specific week. I'm like we would have covered that. It would have taken us a year to cover what you just read.
Speaker 2:So no, I'm not saying only homeschool, you just read. So no, I'm not saying only homeschool. But I think there's something about taking an interest in your children and what they're learning, and you are educating them with your life, with the way that you live your life.
Speaker 1:You know yeah.
Speaker 2:Charlotte Mason says education is an atmosphere, a something and a life. What is it? Uh-oh, anyway, it's life, and so I think it can be dangerous to think that, oh, it's the job of other people to like, I mean, baby, it starts now, when they're months old, you go to daycare and you know it's their job to take care of them. Or you put on all the shows, or you, yes, it teaches them the, the shows teach them, or? And it's not. I'm like I'm not saying daycare is bad, I'm not saying shows are bad, but it's just, how much time are we actually spending getting on their level and looking them in the eye? Yeah, starting with that. And then you know, if we're constantly putting it on other people, then there is no culture in home life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it can just be easy to fall into that trap of it's somebody else's job. Oh, it's so easy. Yeah, I mean, you can use all those tools and you can use schools and other people, but if you're not careful you'll just kind of abandon it to other people and I think it's important.
Speaker 2:I mean, like like for wendell and music, okay, there's someone else that we know and trust and love, who has a passion, saying Like that's that's very specific. Okay, so you could say, well, this person's a um more educated than I am, or like an expert in this area, and that's why I'm sending my kid there, or whatever. But I think just we don't realize how much of an impact, as parents, that we are having on our children. We do more than just feed them and wash their clothes and send them on their merry way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I think that's what he was getting at in that quote that you started us off with, when he says therefore, the home influence is far more important than the home laws. And the parents' lives are of more moment than their teachings, than their teachings. So the home influence is one of educating. We're educating our kids, whether we like it or not, right? So take an active role in being present and knowing that our lives are influencing them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have here the idea that our children are training us. First Let me see page 84 and 85. It says teaching us many a sacred lesson, stirring up in us many a slumbering gift and possibly calling out many a hidden grace and discipling our wayward powers into strong and harmonious character. And then he follows with this, which I think is really beautiful because okay, let me read it Our homes would be very cold and dreary without the children. Sometimes we are weary of their noise. Preach. Can I get an?
Speaker 1:amen, it's funny man.
Speaker 2:I know they certainly. So he says they certainly. He says they cost us no end of toil. When they are very young, they break our rest many a weary night with their colics and teething. And when they grow older they well nigh break our hearts many a time with their waywardness. After they come to us we may as well bid farewell. So after they come to us like as babies, then we may as well bid farewell. So after they come to us like as babies, then we may as well bid farewell to living for self and to personal ease and independence if we mean to do faithful duty as parents.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know Mm-hmm so.
Speaker 1:Yourself is no longer the center. And you and I have both talked about having to feel our sadness around that yeah, I think that's really important I think so too, otherwise you can get bitter yeah, I don't think he talks about that, but I do think uh, that is something that nobody really talks about is how, as a parent, you know feeling your sadness, especially as a young parent, sadness around having kids.
Speaker 2:Because, like he says, we get weary of their noise and just you can feel, I think that this is also part of our culture. I think that this is also part of our culture. We feel like we are owed or we have a right to our independence, you know, and living for yourself. So having to, he says, having to bid farewell to living for yourself, personal ease and independence if we mean to do faithful duty as parents. And so he says that some people come to children and talking about them as a misfortune, and they talk about them lightly, as, oh, their responsibilities, or you can regard them as the way of their pleasure, regard them as your own pleasure, and they see no blessing in them. But this is cold selfishness that looks upon children this way, and it really is. For me, it has been the biggest being a mom has been the biggest lesson in dying to myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah and he says to be faithful. You have to do that and that's really hard because sometimes I just want to read a book or have a thought, or you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it is.
Speaker 2:It's a tough balance to figure out. I think it is important to take care of yourself, like there's this idea of mother culture, like you're still. You're still your own person also and you're cultivating your own, the own beauty that you're trying to cultivate in your children. You're cultivating it in yourself and we all need a minute. So quiet times, nap times, all that, and using those times wisely.
Speaker 1:I mean you are human and we're human. I mean you have limits. Yeah, you aren't unlimited.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So you have to face your own shame and your own sadness. I think, as a parent If you're going to live in reality.
Speaker 2:What's the shame? Piece your limits.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean there's shame whenever you physically cannot be the mom that you want to be.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that's healthy. Shame too. It's healthy to recognize you have limits and that I have limits. I can't be a perfect dad. I can't be everything at all times to my kids.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:And so feeling my shame around. That will allow me to be present with them in a healthy way, and it will also help me better communicate my needs to them when I do reach my limit, so that they don't internalize the issue as it being a them problem.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And the sadness is, of course, just the reality that life doesn't revolve around me, and that's sad.
Speaker 2:It's sad and true.
Speaker 1:And true.
Speaker 2:Just helping you see your truth.
Speaker 1:Exactly yeah, the gift of sadness is acceptance.
Speaker 2:Sit on that one, well, talking about not being able to do all of it and feeling that, um, shame. The last paragraph, like I don't know as far as like people's theology about this or our theology about this, what I think about this, but what? It's very nice, it it's a nice picture. Okay. So he says there is an old picture which represents a woman who had fallen asleep at her wheel and very weariness, as she toils to fulfill her household duties, and the angels have come and are softly finishing her task while she sleeps. Let parents be faithful. Let them do their best. She's softly finishing her task while she sleeps and, if need, do all the poor, faulty work over again. Then, at last, when the parents sleep in death, dropping out their hands the sacred work that they've been doing for their children again, god's angels will come, take up the unfinished work and carry it on to completeness.
Speaker 1:That was beautiful.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I didn't know. Angels cleaned your house at night, though.
Speaker 2:You did all the dishes up there that's news to me.
Speaker 1:Why have I been cleaning the dishes every night? Angels will do it wow, yeah, anyway that's pretty good an old picture he talks about dads and how they should play with their kids.
Speaker 2:An old picture.
Speaker 1:He talks about dads and how they should play with their kids. Oh yeah, and get those memories, how those memories are cherished and the importance of getting.
Speaker 2:What did he say? Like getting on the floor and romping around with your boys? Yeah, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So we talked a little bit about home being the place for growth, mm-hmm yeah, so we talked a little bit about home being the place for growth. Mm-hmm Homes are the real schools in which men and women are trained, and fathers and mothers are the real teacher and builders of life.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:We talked about that already. Yep, okay. And then he talks about how the atmosphere of the home is important.
Speaker 1:That's a theme throughout so far with the book.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm going to read page 94. Yeah, 94. Yeah, beautiful things spread before the eye of childhood, print themselves on the sensitive heart. The educating power of beauty must not be forgotten. So he talks about, you know, the house itself, if it's large or small, should be neat and tasteful. Decoration should be simple, pleasing to the eye, where your children sleep and play and live, should make just as bright and lovely as our means can make them. If we can afford but two rooms for our home, we should put into them just as much educating power as possible. Children are fond of pictures and, and you know, things that are pure and things that are good and um, things that are good influences and refining, um refines their lives. So he talks about like, not having just cheap, random art and um, it should. A home should be clean and tasteful and simple. It is almost impossible for a child to grow up into loveliness of character, gentleness of disposition and purity of heart amid scenes of slovenliness, untidiness, repulsiveness and filthiness. Yeah, it's important.
Speaker 1:It is Morgan.
Speaker 2:Listen, I create a beautiful home atmosphere.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you, I was just thinking, how beautiful our home is and how it's just lovely.
Speaker 2:It's cozy and lovely. I can work on the tidiness.
Speaker 1:You can, it's alright. As far as the atmosphere, you can work on tidiness. I can work on not blowing a cold wind, not yeah, on the warmth.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, let it Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:I can be like one of those cold Alabama damp winds that just cut through the clothes sometimes and you have to call a family meeting and talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we have a lot of family meetings, but also it. Yeah, we have a lot of family meetings, but also yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I wish y'all could see our bathroom counter right now.
Speaker 2:We take pictures sometimes of our bathroom counter and send it to our small group because it's just funny. Taylor's side is always really, really perfect and tidy. And then mine has all kinds of stuff. But you know what? You don't use as many tools in your bathroom as I do. I got hair stuff, I got makeup stuff, I got essential oils, I got all my face regimen and then there they are yeah, it drives me crazy.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry it's like the demarcation, the DMV, between North Korea and South Korea. There's a strong line right in the middle. You cannot cross over, but you do and have to push you back over. You flow over, you flow over.
Speaker 2:Was that a cold?
Speaker 1:wind just coming in. You know something else, that is a theme he talks a lot about simple courtesies.
Speaker 1:Basically, he thinks it's really important for the husband to treat the wife with simple courtesies, like things that you you know you would never. He says things that you know you would never. Go out and just talk rudely to someone. But we feel like as husbands sometimes we can just in our own homes just say a sharp word. It's not really personal, maybe it's just I'm thinking about something else, I'm not in the best of moods or something, and so I, just because I have your heart, you know you should just accept it and not take offense. And he's like no, that's not okay, because you know you stack that on days on, days on days of saying and not treating you gently, just with simple courtesy, mm-hmm. And that can drive a wedge. And he says the same thing in the parents' part with the kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So in the home, just simple courtesies of being polite, kind, gentle with one another and not taking each other's love for granted.
Speaker 2:That's good. Yeah, he says affectionate-ness, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Affectionate-ness, affectionate-ness. What is the word? It's right here We'll see Affectionate-ness. That's what Does it say that in the book?
Speaker 2:yes, affectionateness, find it okay, what should this home spirit be? So he says first of all, the home spirit should be unselfish. And then another essential element of true home life is affectionate-ness. Affectionate-ness Okay, it used to be a word. If it's not a word anymore, it is now Okay. But that's what you're saying, that's what your simple courtesies. And he's saying, like be watchful of the feelings of other people in the home.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that, yeah.
Speaker 2:And that the parent's life flows in the home yeah, I love that, yeah. And that the parent's life flows into the children's life, so especially through marriage and the way we treat each other they see that and the way we treat them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can think about times when the way that we have talked to one of the kids, the sibling will like say the same thing, like I remember when Virginia was smaller, probably like three or four. You should be like Wendell Shepard Miles, you know it's funny. So unselfishness, affectionateness and then a home needs culture.
Speaker 1:A what?
Speaker 2:A home needs culture.
Speaker 1:A home needs culture.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:I think we're doing a pretty good job with that. We've got quite a few traditions. I mean, I tell you like right now we're in the Christmas season and we've got the record player out, we've got our tree and some lights inside and we've been setting a really good chill vibe at night. The record player, y'all it is a culture.
Speaker 2:Atmosphere changer Life hack. Well, we had all three boys down here tonight and we were playing a Christmas record and you were in the kitchen and everything was good and the record turned off and it was like all of a sudden Blah rah. Like really it's like Taylor. Can you please turn that back on?
Speaker 1:If you get a record player you need to get one that you hook up to an amp and speakers. Don't get the box one where the speakers are built in. It's just not the same To get the full effect and the good sound.
Speaker 2:Shout out to Cody Doors.
Speaker 1:Yep, he's got us on it. But I mean it's hard to beat a fire in a fireplace. Some Christmas lights, stockings hung, the lights down low, with some lamps and a record player playing. I mean that is magical, it's magical.
Speaker 2:And we haven't always had these things. So I'm thinking about him saying, like the home atmosphere is so important and you can just start with small things, like for us we didn't have a fireplace for a really long time and so you know you can burn a wood, woodwick candle so you kind of get the little sound of the wood and you have a candle going, create some atmosphere like, um, taper candles, beeswax candles, lamps take the overhead light away away, just lamps and then little things. I mean you can bring the outside in. I think a lot of times that helps soften the atmosphere. You know, get some flowers or, like right now, wreaths, trees, garland I love bringing the outside in when it's invited.
Speaker 1:We literally just had a ladybug drop from our skylight. They're invading our house. We live in North Alabama and it's this time of the year. They came from China. It's an invasive ladybug our native ladybugs are not like this. It's so bad, it's so bad.
Speaker 2:How many I mean?
Speaker 1:I was going to tell them hundreds now.
Speaker 2:I drank one the other day. It was really bad.
Speaker 1:But I do agree bringing the outside in plants, yeah.
Speaker 2:Lots of books. Seasonal books. We do that. We just have a bin of books and each season I trade them out. So we had all of our autumn books out and then now we have all of our Christmas books. Maybe I can post some of our favorite Christmas books, but the kids really enjoy that. Do we have more?
Speaker 2:really enjoy that. Do we have more? Oh, there was a shout out to moms on page 108. I just wanted to read Okay, oh, mothers of young children, I bow before you in reverence. Your work is most holy. You are fashioning the destinies of immortal souls. I just needed it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh, mothers of young children, I bow before you in reverence.
Speaker 1:Jr Miller, that's how to talk to women yeah, he's a lazy man, but I get the feeling he was faithful man. Yeah, I love his. I love his writings and his style. I'm thinking, like you know, and nowadays like 2024, we need a like bible study life group. You know, like a 10 week. You know where they take these and they break it down for people because it is helpful. I'm thinking it's really helpful.
Speaker 1:It'd be one thing for one person to like a husband or a wife to read this book but for a community you need the husband and the wife to read it and to talk about it and to be on the same page, like if it's only the wife that reads it and the husband doesn't read it, and you know like it's not going to be.
Speaker 2:And who reads?
Speaker 1:books nowadays, I feel like a lot of people don't. So, man, it needs to be chopped up and put into like a video format for small groups. Hey, the home making you know.
Speaker 2:Home making mini course. Yeah, the one thing that I don't think I said this Did I say that youth comes twice to?
Speaker 1:nine, you know, homemaking mini course. Yeah, um, the one thing that I don't think I said, this did I say that youth comes twice to?
Speaker 2:know you need to read that quote.
Speaker 1:So this really stood out to me. He says it early in the chapter and Just made me sad. I think I felt just the weight of being a parent and how precious our children are and the job that we have is so important. The lives that we're holding are so precious and so fragile. So this is to the fathers out there. This is long. This responsibility rests upon both the parents. There are some fathers who seem to forget that any share of the burden and duty of making the home belongs to them. They leave it all to the mothers. They come and go as if they were scarcely more than boarders in their own house with no active interest in the welfare of their children.
Speaker 1:They plead the demands of business as the excuse for their neglect. But where is the business that is so important as to justify a man's evasion of the sacred duties which he owes to his own family? There cannot be any other work in this world which a man can do that will excuse him at God's bar for having neglected the care of his own home and the training of his own children. No success in any department of the world's work can positively atone for failure here. No piling up of this world's treasures can compensate a man for the loss of those incomparable jewels his own children. In the prophet's parable he said to the king as thy servant was busy here and there he was gone. As thy servant was busy here and there he was gone. May not this be the only plea that some fathers will have to offer when they stand before God without their children. As I was busy here and there they were gone.
Speaker 1:Many are busy in their worldly affairs, busy pressing their plans and ambitions to fulfillment, busy gathering money to lay up a fortune, busy chasing the world's honors and building up a name, busy in the quest for knowledge. And while they are busy. Their children grow up, and when they turn to see if they are getting on well, they are gone. Then they try most earnestly to get them back again. But their intensest efforts avail not. It is too late then to do that blessed work for them and upon their lives which could so easily have been done in their tender years. Dr geicke's book entitled life opens with these words some things, things God gives often. Some he gives only once. The seasons return again and again and the flowers change with the months. But youth comes twice to none. Childhood comes but once, with its opportunities. Whatever is done to stamp it with beauty must be done quickly.
Speaker 2:That's so good.
Speaker 1:You know that's a sobering statement to the father's, message to the father's. It can be really tempting If it was in the late 1800s, it is especially now, mm-hmm, to try to store up treasure here, build a name for yourself, do this and that in the business world, and you know, if you're not careful you're going to turn around and your kids will be grown yeah, it's so sad.
Speaker 1:It is. It happens quick. So that's the parents part. Enjoyed that chapter. What is the next chapter? It's the children's part. I think the children's part. It would be fun to loop the kids in.
Speaker 2:That would be fun. They would love it.
Speaker 1:Wendell would eat it up, oh gosh Wendell would eat it up If we could reign them in.
Speaker 2:I know Um. Let's think on that.
Speaker 1:Let's think on it, alright. Well, that's gonna be it. We'll see you next time, and until then, no-transcript.